04x12 - Fathers and Sons and Mothers

[bunniefuu]

That's fine, dear. Thanks.

- Coffee, Howard?
- Uh, no, thanks.

Wow. That was a first-class meal.
What's it called?

Stew.

Yeah, well, it's first-class stew.

It was excellent, Emily- As usual.

It's been excellent
the last five times I was here.

- I didn't realize I served it that often.
- That's all right, dear.

Practice makes perfect.
You almost got it right.

Oh, I wish Sonny were here to enjoy it.

Yeah, me too.

Who's Sonny?

Sonny? My son.

You call Bob Sonny?
[Laughing]

That's the funniest thing I ever heard.

Well, it's not exactly funny.
It's kind of dumb.

Well, it's not exactly dumb.
lt's- It's a nice name.

Uh, any- Any dessert, Emily?

Yeah.just let me warm up
the stew for Bob.

You know, Sonny would never
touch stew when he was a child.

He'd wait until I wasn't looking...

and he'd scoop it into his pocket.

Yes, he was a scamp, all right.

I remember one time in church,
Sonny pulled some stew...

out of the pocket
of his little sailor suit...

and dropped it in the poor box.

Yeah, poor people like stew.

Well, I'd best be on my way, Emily...

ifl'm going to find
that motel in the dark.

Mom, I don't want to hear any more of
that motel stuff. You're gonna stay with us.

No, I don't want to impose.
The motel's just fine.

- I thought you lived in Chicago.
- I do, Howard...

but our house is being painted.

Howard, you've been
in Mom's house.

Oh, you mean the one
that needed painting.

Well, what with Herb
offfishing, I thought...

“Now is the time to get it done.“

- Who's Herb?
- Sonny's father.

Ah. You mean Sonny, Sr.

Don't you know of a decent motel nearby?

- Mom, you're not staying at a motel.
- Yes, I am.

Yeah, well, there's one
little motel around the corner.

It has towels and everything.

Mom, we have towels here.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, sweetheart.

- I'm sorry group ran so late.
- Don't worry about it.

- Hello.
- Hi, Mom.

- Hello, dear.
- Hi, Howard.

Hi, Sonny.

Uh,your mom was just
telling us how you liked...

to keep stew in your pocket
when up were a kid.

Darn. I wanted to tell 'em that.

I used to keep worms in my pocket.

Well, sometimes they'd
be there for weeks.

- Didn't they die?
- Yeah, but it was just a hobby.

- Good night, Howard.
- Bye.

I think I'll fix myself a drink.

I'll squeeze you
some fresh lemonade.

No, I think I'll just
squeeze a scotch.

You ready for some stew, Bob?

Yeah, maybejust a pocketful.

I'd love to stay, but I think
I'd better walk over to the motel.

Okay. See you later, Mom.

She's gonna stay with us
until her house is painted.

- Of course she is. Mom, I was just kidding.
- It's all settled.

- I'll make up the bed in the den.
- Well, all right...

but it doesn't seem fair for
you two to give up the bedroom.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Uh, Mom, is it the whole house
you're having painted?

Just the inside and the outside.

Then you won't-
You won't be painting the lawn.

- Carol, who's our dental supply salesman?
- Mort Gelatly.

You gotta tell him to stop
sending these dumb samples.

First it was paper toothbrushes, then
it was electric toothpaste, and now this.

Here's, uh, flavored dental floss.

Hold it a minuteJerry.

Let's go back to electric toothpaste.
What is that?

I don't know. I was afraid to plug it in.

People are making orthodontia into a joke.

Oh, well, I'll tell Mort when he
brings your tooth fairy t-shirts.

Yeah, and check on
my Bugs Bunny drill bits.

- Morning.
- Hi, Bob.

- Any messages, Carol?
- Yeah, Bob. Your mom called.

She wanted to know what color
you wanted your old room painted.

I don't care.

- She was thinking of yellow.
- I hate yellow.

- My room was blue.
- Mine was pink.

Mine was yellow.

She said that when the painters
were moving your little bed...

they found a paperback book
hidden under your little mattress.

I always wondered what happened
to my Boy Scout manual.

Not that kind of a manual, Bob.

She'll bring it over tonight
in a plain, brown wrapper.

What was it, Bob? /, the/my?
Studs Lon/gum? The Ambo y Dukes?

Ow The Long-Legged Vixen?

I never read that stuffijerry.

Well, I-l may have skimmed it.

The Long-L egged Vixen-
“Candles were lit.

“Slowly she walked towards me,
her arms outstretched...

wearing only a smile.“ Whoo!

- I never read that stuff.
- I did.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Oh, good morning, Mr. Vickers.
- What's good about it?

My son's at it again.

f*ring me from my own business
was not enough.

He just took back
my company car...

at a stoplight.

Maybe, uh- Maybe we better go in my office.

I used to have an office.

You know what was written
on my office door?

“Edgar T. Vickers, President.“

Now it's just “Storage?

Would you like some hot coffee?

Now is no time to have coffee.

You're looking at a man
whose son just had him...

thrown bodily into the gutter.

How about, uh- How about some tea?

Yeah- Forget the tea.

He was always a bad kid.

I had him by my second wife.

He was Rosemary's baby.

You know, Mr. Vickers, in the, uh-

In the three years
you've been coming to see me...

you've, uh, you've told me
some pretty incredible things...

about your son and the way he treats you.

- You're calling me a liar? - No, I just
thought maybe you might be exaggerating...

when you said that he had six
Dobermans att*ck you on your birthday.

I have the scar to prove it.
What does that look like?

Vaccination.

Sure, but his clogs are trained
to make it look like that.

Let's, uh- Let's just think
about this, Mr. Vickers.

Oh, I have thought about it.

I'm going to get him
before he gets me.

I'm going to his house right now.

Well, what if the dogs att*ck?

No problem. They're out
having their teeth sharpened.

[Stammering]
just remember, try to be nice.

Why? He doesn't appreciate it.

Never has.

When I gave him his
college graduation present...

he hit me with it.

- What did you give him?
- A Pontiac.

I hope you don't mind my making
the dinner tonight, Emily.

Oh, you can cook whenever
you want. It's a vacation for me.

Well, I wanted to make
one of Sonny's favorites-

Fried hamburger patties.

- Sounds delicious.
- And to add zest...

I melt a piece of
American cheese on the top.

You don't serve it
on a bun, do you, Mom?

Oh, he told you.

Bob and I don't keep those
kind of secrets from each other.

Emily-

Do you think Sonny likes me?

Of course he likes you.

He loves you. You're his mother.

You know, I don't think
I've ever truly made him happy.

Why, the first time
he looked at me, he cried.

- Babies tend to do that, Mom.
- Maybe so.

But since you brought up
the subject of babies, Emily...

where are yours?

Well, we don't have any, Mom.

Well, I know that.

Who needs a grandchild?

Heaven knows I get
enough pleasure...

- bouncing other people's
grandchildren on my knee. - Oh.

Emily, do you have a tissue?

Aw, come on now, Mom.

You know, maybe in time
Bob and I will- Well, we'll have a-

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, dear.

- Oh.
- What's, uh- What's wrong?

[Sniffs]
Nothing.

And don't think I'm crying
because you don't have any children.

How's the painting coming?

Well, Mom says they
finally fixed their ladder...

and the paint is due any day now.

- Great.
- Bob?

- Mom's fixing hamburgers for dinner.
- Oh.

Yes, and beets.

L, uh-l don't like beets.

Yes, I know that, dear, but if
you'd eaten your beets as a child...

you would have attained
your full height.

I am my full height. I'm "I O”.

Your father's "I .

He was six feet before he shrunk.

That paint better come tomorrow.

- Easy there, big fella.
- [ Phone Rings]

Oh, would somebody else get that?

I have to serve the dinner.

I'll get it.

- Make it quick.
- Hello.

Oh, hi. Hi, Mr. Vickers.

Did- Did you have your talk
with your son?

H-How'd it go?

“Swimmingly“? That's good.

He threw you in his pool.

How'd, uh- How'd the rest
of the day go?

Shopping. Uh, for what?

A new suit and a sil*ncer.

Yeah, I think we better talk
about this at our next session.

Yeah, uh, good-bye.

Did Mr. Vickers's son
really throw him in the pool?

I don't know. All I know is
that they don't get along.

The boy obviously needs
a good spanking.

Mom, the boy is my age.

Then you should talk to the boy.

The boy isn't my patient. I just can't
ask him to come in and talk to him.

That's nonsense.

If Muhammad won't come
to the mountain...

the mountain can go
to the molehill.

You know, Bob, your mother's
got something there.

Yeah, gibberish.

No, I mean if you really want to help Mr.
Vickers, maybe you should talk to his son.

No question about it.

Look. I'm the psychologist.
I'll handle it my way.

All right, Bob, be obstinate.
I've always said honesty is the best policy.

Yeah, she said that
just before you walked in.

As long as we're being honest, Mom,
there's something I'd like to tell you.

L, uh, I always say, you know...

if you can't say
something nice about a person...

say absolutely nothing.

- Oh, that's very good, Emily.
- Thank you.

Now, Sonny, what were you going to say?

Uh, absolutely nothing.

- Pass the beets?
- That's my good boy.

[Knocking]

- Mr. Vickers's son is here, Bob.
- Oh.

Dr. Hartley.

I'm Edgar T. VickersJr.

Well, it's very nice
of you to come by.

Well, when you phoned
and said it had to do with Dad...

I rushed right over.

Now, uh, what seems
to be the problem?

Well, I'm afraid we've, uh-

We've reached an impasse
with your father's therapy.

How can I help?
And, uh, be honest with me.

Well, he's, uh-
He's told me some, uh...

some pretty incredible things.

For instance, he said that, uh...

you had six Doberman pinschers att*ck him.
[Chuckles]

They were German shepherds.

And there were only three.

But they- They did att*ck him?

No, of course not.

My father climbed
over the fence around my home...

and the dogs thought he was
an intruder, and cornered him.

- But that won't happen again.
- Good.

I've electrified the fence.

Uh, Mr. Vickers, let me be blunt.

Uh, did you throw your father
in your swimming pool?

I don't know how
these stories get started.

I brushed by him and he fell in.

Just a little poolside horseplay.

He, uh, he claims you-

You tried to hold him
under the water.

Nonsense.

I was trying to get
a grip on his hair...

so that I...

could pull him out.

That makes sense, doesn't it?

Maybe we ought to start
from the beginning.

Uh, your college graduation-

Your father seems to intimate-

That Pontiac didn't have any brakes
when he gave it to me...

and the man literally
leaped in front of the car.

Well, I'm sure there's
an explanation for everything.

What seems to bother
your father most...

is that you fired him
from his own business.

Why is he still upset about that?

Well, I guess he felt
it was a little harsh.

Well, he didn't think it was harsh
when he fired his father.

He- He never mentioned that.

No, he'sjust being modest.

Dad's a tough old bird.
The first thing he taught me...

is there's no room
for sentiment in the pesticide business.

I didn't know he was
in that business.

He's not. He's out.

I'm in.

But I'm very grateful to him.

He made me what I am-

President and chairman of the board.

I've got to go feed
something raw to my dogs.

Well, thanks- Thanks for your time.

Right.

Listen, uh-

Maybe sometime I could talk to you
about a problem I'm having with my son.

Any time.

He's, uh, seven years old.

Last night, while I was in bed...

he came into my room...

and he hit me in the back
of the neck with a hammer.

Well, I'm sure there was
an explanation for that.

Oh. Yeah, sure.

He said, uh...

“Sorry, Dad. I thought you were asleep.“

Good night, Mom.
See you in the morning.

Good night, dear,
Brush your teeth.

I already did.

- Up and down?
- Right.

I don't believe it. Those painters
must be painting with Q-tips.

Oh, honey, for the amount of time she's
been here, she's been very little trouble.

Emily, it is not natural
to like your mother-in-law.

- How can I not like her? She's funny.
- At whose expense?

- I can't help it. I like her.
- I don't like your mother.

What?

Well, I mean, I, uh-

I-I like her, but, you know,
she's not- Uh, she's not funny.

She thinks you're funny.

Well, she's- She's funny.

I must have been thinking
of your father. He's not funny.

Oh, well, he doesn't
like you either.

Yeah, then, uh, that's who
I was thinking of.

Bob, come to bed.

Emily, that's not a bed.
That's a bag full of doorknobs.

Well, we'll have
our bed back soon.

She'll be leaving in a few days.

Emily, you miss the whole point.

She has got to stop
treating me like a child.

Well, then don't tell me. Tell her.

- Just go up to her and say, “Mother“-
- Shh!

Y an w am 'mt m heat gm?

Well, honey, either tell her or don't.

All right. I'll, uh-
I'll tell her tomorrow.

- Take her out to lunch.
- All right. Now come to bed.

You know, we had
something like this in the army...

only we called it “the ground.“

- Good night, Bob.
- Good night, Sarge.

Bob;

- Are you really tired?
- Emily!

My mothefs in the house.
Have a little respect.

- Hello, Carol.
- Hi, Mrs. Hartley.

Oh, don't you look pretty?

Oh, yes, I suppose I do,
for a woman living out of a suitcase.

I'm staying at Sonny's apartment.

Yes, Sonny mentioned that in passing.

Hi, Mrs. Hartley. The painters
find their drop cloth yet?

Why, yes, they didJerry.

[Laughs]

That's one of those
humorous t-shirts, isn't it?

You know, not many people
would have the guts...

to wear a thing like that.

Well, kids seem to enjoy it.

Yes, I should think they would.
it's so, uh, childish.

Perhaps you'll work
on my grandchild's teeth...

when Sonny and Emily
have their baby.

Uh, Mrs. Hartley, do you know
something we don't know?

Well, I hope so.
I'm a lot older than you.

What Carol means is,
are Bob and Emily, uh-

Well, I don't know how,
from what I've been able to hear.

- Hi, Mom. You ready for lunch?
- Yes.

As soon as you wash
your hands we can go.

Mom, why don't you
go in the office?

- I want to have a little talkwith you.
- All right.

Oh.jerry's going to work
on the baby's teeth.

Now, Sonny, please
don't close the door.

- Why not?
- I won't be able to see your name.

You know, Mom, I think
we really ought to have a little talk.

Oh, so do I.

You know, I'm not at all happy
about the yellow I picked for your room.

It turned out much too canary.

Mom, I-l don't care.

Well, all right. It's your room.
You'll have to live with it.

N-No, Mom, it isn't. I haven't
lived in that room for O years.

Twenty-two years j une seven.

[Carol]
Mr. Vickers, you can't go in there.

Vickers}
Oh, shut up.

You had no right
to talk to my son.

You went behind my back.

Well, I did it because
I thought it was important.

He did it because
I told him to do it.

Who is this buttinsky?

This, uh, buttinsky is my mother.

Oh. It's hereditary.

I have you to thank
for my son's invitation...

to go over and have dinner
with him tomorrow night.

What's wrong with that?

Well, the old poisoned food trick.

Well, the reason he invited
you over was at my suggestion.

He'sjust trying
to mend the fences.

Oh, well, he better
turn offthejuice first.

Yeah, he- He promised he'd do that.

I don't trust him
any farther than I could throw him.

You are an ungrateful,
nasty old geezer.

- Who are you calling ungrateful?
- You.

- Mom, if you don't mind-
- I'll handle this, Sonny.

Now, your son is
welcoming you to his home...

and you don't appreciate it.

Well, I've been staying
with Sonny for two weeks...

and it's going just wonderfully,
isn't it, Sonny?

Been a picnic.

So if you can't come halfway...

then you deserve
to be old and alone.

Take it, Sonny.

Well, I think Mom
pretty well summed it up.

All right, I'll go to dinner.

Madam, it's been a pleasure...

and I hopel never
see you again.

So that's the way
you make your living, Sonny.

It seems easy.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a piece of cake.

Thanks for your help, Mom.

You're welcome.
I hope I didn't speak out of turn.

You? Never.

Good. Now sit down, dear.

What were we talking about...

before we were so rudely
interrupted by that madman?

Uh, interfering in other people's lives.

Don't be silly.
You've never interfered in my life.

- I didn't mean that.
- Except once, in .

Your father and I wanted
to go to Yosemite...

but you came down
with the croup.

I probably hadn't
eaten enough beets.

And then we wanted to go again,
but we couldn't afford it...

because we'd put up
so much money for your education.

Ah, but it was worth it.

Now you're a successful psychologist...

with a lovely wife...

and no children.

- Hi, honey. I'm home.
- Hi, darling.

- Any mail?
- There's a postcard from your folks.

It was nice of you
to send them to Yosemite.

Well, that's why I sent them-
to be nice...

- and to get my bed back.
- [Chuckles]

- They having a great time?
- Uh, read the card.

“Dear Sonny and Emily,

“It's been raining for seven days...

“and there are too many people here.

“We should have come in ...

“but you had the croup.

“Ifthe painters aren't
finished when we get back...

we'll sleep in the den.“

Bob? Where are you going?

To burn the den down.

[ Mews]