04x14 - A Matter of Vice-Principal

[bunniefuu]

Oh. Thanks for the ride home.

That's okay. I'm sorry
you had to wait so long for us.

Billy Foster got
in another fight this afternoon.

I had to keep him after school again.

Janet, you're too nice
to your students.

- Now, you should have sent him to the
vice-principal. - Ooh. Next week that'll be you.

Oh, you're gonna be
a terrific vice-principal, Ed.

- I'm not vice-principal yet.
- Oh, well, it's just a formality.

Do you have time to stay for coffee?

No, thanks.
We're gonna go look for a new house.

Great!
You're buying a house.

If I get thejob.
But I'm not counting on it.

Well, I'm counting on it.
We're getting a second car.

- Again, if I get thejob.
- But you're not counting on it.

No. You know, it's ironic.

It was just a little
over a month ago that I was...

thinking about moving to Butte, Montana
to run my brother's car wash.

Janet, do you realize your husband
is gonna be your boss?

Oh, no, he's not.
I'm gonna retire from teaching.

- We'd like to have a baby. - Yeah. But-
But first there's something we want to do.

[Chuckles]

No. No. No.
We want to take a trip to Scotland.

- If you get thejob.
- Right. But I'm not counting-

You're not counting on it.
Uh, when do they make the announcement?

Friday, : , Room .

Well, look. Why don't we
have dessert here Friday night?

Then if by some freak chance you should
get thejob, we'll have something to celebrate.

- Okay. - Great. I'm not counting on
it, but I'll bring the champagne.

- [ Laughs]
- Well, we better go.

Oh, Emily, you were gonna,
uh, lend me that book.

- W h I c: h boo k? - Efiective A dmxhxb'
tra tion x}? the E/emen tary S chool.

I think I have it in the den.
Why don't you make yourself comfortable.

Thanks.

[Sighs]

Did they, uh, leave
a forwarding address?

Who?

Oh, you didn't know
the Hartleys. They, uh-

They're my best friends, you know.

Wonder why they didn't
tell me they were moving.

Uh, Fmjanet Hoffman.
This is my husband, Ed.

- Hi.
- Oh. Welcome to our building.

- No. The Hartleys didn't move. We're
friends of theirs. - [Emily] H ; Howard.

Oh, hi, Emily.

Any of you, uh-
Any of you guys know how to spell?

- [All Chuckle]
- We're all teachers. You just take your pick.

Okay.
How do you spell “pride“?

“Pride? P-R-l-D-E.

P-R-I-D-E.

“He 'pride' himself
from the cockpit.“

Howard, that's P-R-l-E-D.

Well, it's close enough.

- We have to go look at that house.
- Oh, yeah.

Well, we'll, uh-
We'll see you Friday to celebrate.

- Yeah. We're counting on it.
- So are we.

- Nice to see you.
- Nice to meet you.

Howard, Why'd you want to know
how to spell “pried“?

Well, it's a biography about me.

Oh, you mean an autobiography.

No. It's not about cars.
It's about me.

It's, uh, for the company magazine.

It's, uh-
it's called Sky w*r/a'.

- And I'm going to be Sky Guy of the Month.
- Oh, that's terrific.

- Can I see it?
- Yeah.

“First Officer Howard Borden...

'“pride' his -foot- -inch
frame out of the cockpit...

and shook hands with the president.“

Well, it was just
the president of the Kiwanis.

Howard, you're not foot .

Yeah, well, I'm sitting now.

I think this is a little too much.

Yeah. You're right. I was only allowed O words,
and I've got . Uh...

- what should I take out?
- Your name.

- MorningJerry.
- Gail, this is a business office.

How about keeping your feet
off the desk?

- I'm supposed to keep it elevated.
- Oh, my gosh.

- What happened to your leg?
- Oh, nothing. lt'sjust broken.

- Are you in pain?
- A little.

- Well, bite a b*llet.
- Thanks for the sympathy.

- How'd that happen?
- You promise you won't laugh?

- Of course not.
- Well, I fell off my shoes.

- That's really dumb.
- I knew you'd laugh.

Why do men always laugh
when women fall off their shoes?

Why do women wear shoes
that they can fall off of?

Why do men
invent the silly things to begin with?

I don't know. Maybe we like
a good laugh now and then.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Hi, everybody.
- Hey, Bob. Look at this.

Gail, what happened?

L, uh, fell off my shoes.

Thought you'd get
a kick out of that.

You want- want us- want us to, uh-
to get a replacement?

I am the replacement. You guys are gonna
have to live with me till Carol gets back.

- Well, how many weeks vacation does Carol get?
- Two.

She's only been working
for us for seven years.

She's getting away
with murdenjerry.

[Phone Rings]

Dr. Hartley's office.
They hung up.

- May have been a wrong number.
- Oh, that- that must have been it. Yeah.

Well, I, uh...

guess I can get my own coffee.

- How old are you,jerry?
- Thirty-seven.

Yeah. You can get your own coffee.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Hi, Gail. Bob in?
-Sure.

- What happened to you?
- You won't believe it.

You fell off your shoes?

- Hz; dear:
- Hi, honey. What's- What's up?

Well, they announced
the new vice-principal today.

Oh, did you, uh-
Did you give Ed our congratulations?

- Ed didn't get it.
- See, that's the trouble with the system.

They never recognize
somebody with talent.

What, uh- What stumblebum got it?

I got it, Bob.

I'm the new vice-principal.
Emily Stumblebum.

- Really, Emily? That's-
- Yeah.

That's wonderful.
Congratulations.

You must have, uh-
must have been surprised.

I'm shocked.
I didn't even know I was in the running.

- Well, were you?
- Well, I guess every qualified teacher is...

but only one of us
was counting on it.

Yeah. Ed, uh, kind of
had the money spent already, didn't he?

- Uh-huh.
- Well, that money's ours now.

- Want to buy a house?
- Oh, Bob.

Bob, listen. I, uh-

- I'm really worried.
- Well, why?

I mean, you can handle it. They- They, uh-
They knew what they were doing.

Well, it's not that. I mean,
I'm worried about Ed. How's he gonna feel?

I would hope that he'd feel, uh,
as good for you as you would have for him.

Oh, Bob, put yourself in Ed's place.

I mean, he's got years
more experience than I have...

and I come along, and I steal
a job right out from under his nose.

E-Emily, you didn't-
you didn't steal it.

You, uh- You stumbled onto it.

Well, Ed andjanet are coming over
to celebrate Ed's promotion tonight.

L-if he isn't happy for you,
he isn't much of a friend.

I mean, you can't feel guiltyjust because
you stole-just-just because you, uh-

just because you got it
instead of him.

Well...

I suppose that's true,
but I- I'm still dreading tonight.

Emily, let me, uh-
Let me tell you a story.

When I was
years old, I, uh-

I wanted to be captain
of the safety patrol.

And, uh, it was between me
and this other kid, Ronnie.

And I practiced every day
on the signals, you know.

Bob...

uh, I- I'm a vice-principal now,
and I really have a lot of work.

Anyway, uh...

- Ronnie got thejob.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Bob, how would you like
having me for your boss?

I do.

You know what I mean. I just can't
imagine myself bossing Ed Hoffman around.

Look. Emily, hang tough.
I mean, you're the vice-principal.

If he gets out of line, just whack him
on the knuckles with a ruler.

I'm afraid he's gonna resent me.

If he resented you,
he wouldn't be coming here tonight.

Of course, I went to Ronnie's house
the night he became captain.

Threw a sock full of mud
at his door.

Look, Emily. We're gonna have
the celebration exactly the way we planned.

Well, there is one thing
I thinkyou ought to change.

“Congratulations, Ed.“

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- He might resent that.

Bob, don't mention cake.

Hi, Bob.
[Nervous Laugh]

- Hi, Bob.
- There she is.

Hi, Vice-principal Hartley.

Congratulations, Emily.

- Yes. Wonderful news.
-just wonderful.

Really wonderful.

- Do you really mean that?
- Oh, yes. Really.

Can't you see
the happiness in my eyes?

Is- Is that what that is?

And I feel just the same way
thatjanet does. It's wonderful.

Oh, you don't know
how nervous I've been all day.

- Why? - Well, uh, I was afraid you
really wouldn't think it was...

you know, wonderful.

- Well, it is wonderful.
- Really.

Wonderful. Here.
I won't be needing this now.

Here, Bob.

Oh, it's, uh, very
interesting champagne.

“Ping-

“Made from real grapes.

See ballpoint pen offer
on back label.“

Would you two be interested in a couple
of tickets on a charter flight to Scotland?

- Aren't you going?
- Well, I- I went to the doctor today...

and he says that
I'm allergic to heather.

There's a lot of that going around.

You ever thought about
a “heatherectomyW

Well, uh, I thinkyou probably
won't have the time anyhow.

I mean, with your new house.

Well, we- we've decided
we're gonna pass on the house.

- It- it's not right for us. it's just too many rooms.
- Yeah. Who needs a nursery?

Well, Ping all around.

just watch out for the seeds.

Well, I, uh-

I'd like to propose a toast.

Here's to Vice-principal Hartley.

She's deserving, she's qualified,
and she's beautiful.

[Chuckles]
Which I'm sure had nothing to do with it.

It didn't.

Neither did all those
committees you joined.

Well, forgive me for trying
to do something for the school.

Janet, I'm sure that Emily
had no ulterior motive...

for the hundreds
of things she did...

to ingratiate herself
with the powers that be.

I don't think I'll have any wine.

Seems to be made with sour grapes.

Look. I think, uh-l think
something, uh, needs to be said here...

and it, uh, may not be my place...

but since this is my place,
I'm going to say it.

When I was ,
I wanted to be captain of the safety patrol.

Well, let me, uh-
let me put it another way.

There's only, uh-
There's only one vice-principal.

Emily is it. And, uh, you're either gonna
have to work with her or not.

- Janet, where are you going?
- [ Sighs]

Now, wait a minute.
I think Bob's right.

I think we have to give this a try.

L- I'd like to apologize
for the way I behaved.

And on behalfofall the little people,
we want to wish you luck.

- Don't weJanet?
- I think it stinks.

But I- I, uh-
lwish-

I wish you luck anyway.

I really appreciate
your honesty, but I, uh-

I would sure appreciate
your support.

Oh, you've got it.
Now, we're- we're not gonna be petty.

Great.
Let's have some cake.

Uh, forget the cake.

L-I don't like cake.
Besides, we, uh- we don't have any cake.

Let's, uh- Let's go out for cake.

Hello? Uh, may I speak to somebody
in your bun department, please?

Hot dog buns.
Thank you.

Who am I speaking to?
Lou? Hello, Lou.

Uh, this is Emily Hartley at Tracy Grammar School.
I'm the new vice-principal.

Oh. Thank you very much,
but that's not why I'm calling.

Uh, listen, Lou.
Something happened to our bun delivery.

Well, that is too bad.

Things are tough all over, Lou.

And they're gonna get tougher
if you don't get off the phone...

and get in your truck
and get your buns over here.

Here's the request for the state funds,
Mrs. Hartley.

Oh, thankyouJoanie.

Uh, is- is there anything else?

I'm waiting for you to sign it.
It was clue yesterday.

Well, I'd like to
look it over first.

It won't make any difference.
We'll never get the money anyway.

Well, I'd still
like to look it over.

Suit yourself.

Uh, here's the preliminary budget.
This was due last week.

Gee, I've only had this job a week,
I'm already nine weeks behind.

That's what
all the vice-principals say.

Look. Why don't you just give me
a few minutes alone...

and maybe I can take care of
some of this stuff.

Sorry, but there's a young man waiting
outside to see ya, and he's dreading it.

- Who is it?
- Billy Foster.

He should be dreading it.
Send him in.

Right.

It wasn't my fault.

I suppose the other boy
slammed his nose into your fist.

That's right.
Except it was a girl.

Sit down, Billy.

Let's have a talk. No.

I'll tell you what.
I'll talk, and you'll listen.

You know, when I was
teaching third grade...

I had a boy in my class
who used to fight all the time.

He was a lot like you.
Same height. Same hair. Same name.

I know him.
Mark Preston.

His name is Billy Foster.

And we came to an agreement.
Now, he agreed to stop fighting...

and I agreed to help him with his studies
and pass him on to the fourth grade.

Now, whatever happened to that boy?

I think he moved.

He is in the fourth grade,
and he is still fighting...

and I think it's time
we came to a new agreement.

So here it is, Billy.
Knock it off.

Okay.

- Now go back to your class.
- Yes, Miss Hartley.

I liked you better as a teacher.

- Oh.
- Don't worry.

- Those aren't due until last month.
- Oh. ThankyouJoanie.

Oh, by the way, if you hear screaming,
don't panic. We think we can capture it.

Capture what?

Miss McKinnon's biology project.

- Where is it?
- Slithering down the hall.

Door Closes

May I see you for a moment,
Mrs. Hartley?

- Sure, Ed. What's wrong?
- What's wrong...

is that somebody canceled
my class's field trip.

- Well, I had to. We were short of funds.
- Tell that to those kids.

Ed, we simply don't have the money.

Oh. In one week you've become
a real bureaucrat.

I thinkyou've forgotten
how the little people live.

Oh, did you forget
the extra art supplies I got you...

and the two hamsters
for your science project?

You tell me how a science project
called “The Cycle of Life“...

is gonna work
with two male hamsters.

Well, I am doing the best I can.

I never had these problems
when Rex Pottinger was vice-principal.

Well, why don't you join Pottinger?

Go to Hawaii.
Take a flying sabbatical.

I don't have to
listen to this. I quit.

I'm gonna go run
my brother's car wash.

Do yourself a favor, Emily.

Don't ever show up
in Butte, Montana with a dirty car.

Door Slams]

Hi.

I'm Lou.

We ran out of hot dog buns.

Will you settle for
some day-old raisin bread?

Is that a yes or a no?

Jerry, I'm having a little trouble
sending out the mail.

- Why?
- I can't seem to reach the mail slot.

That's not my problem.

Well, in a way,
except that these are your bills.

Could somebody please
take these bottles to Tupperman's lab?

Oh, let me do it.
I don't have anything else to do.

Oh, good. Then you can defrost
the refrigerator too.

Sure. I'll just skip my lunch.

Anything else you want me to do
before I try to get back to my own work?

You could read me a story.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Hi, Bob.
- Hi, Gail.Any messages?

Ah, let me check my cast.

Yes. Emily wants you
to call her at school.

- Fine. Would you get her for me?
- I'll try.

Oh, and, uh, here's another one.
Bernard A. Tupperman, urolog-

Oh. No. That's an autograph.

- Want some coffee?
- Yeah. I'll have it in my office.

Goodjerry will be glad
to get it for you.

Black with sugar.

[Intercom Buzzes]

Hi, honey.

You, uh- You sound upset.

Ed's, uh- Ed's not going anywhere.

And even if he does, uh, we'll get
the car washed before we get to Montana.

L-I love raisin bread. Why?

Fine. Bring some home.

Emily, take it easy.
Look. I- I've thought about quitting too...

but, uh, you gotta give it a chance.

What are you screaming about?

What slithered under the door?

Uh, describe it.

Yeah. That's what
they look like all right.

Do you have a forked stick on ya?

How about a flute?

Emily, I thinkyou should do
what you feel is right for you.

Oh, the principal sounded
so disappointed when I said I might quit.

- Then stay. - Well, if I do stay, I'm
not sure I can take the pressure.

Then quit.

It galls me.
I know I can do a good job for that school.

Then stay.

Bob, I am asking for your advice.
Now, first you say quit, and then you say stay.

Emily, it's a- it's a- a difficult situation.
It isn't cut-and-dried.

I mean, there- there are a lot of
pros and cons here.

Well, I'm looking to you as a husband,
not as a psychologist.

Now, if you were me,
what would you do?

I think I'd stay.

Or maybe I'd quit.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- Well, that certainly narrows it down.

- It's Ed Hoffman.
- I went to the movies.

_ Uh_
- Emily, I want to talk to you.

She w-went to the movies.

L, uh-l talked to
the principal after school.

He said you might quit,
and if you do, he offered me your job.

Well, congratulations, Ed.

Should I see if
there's any cake left?

Don't bother, Bob.

Emily, I wouldn't take your job
for a million dollars.

Why not?
It's a snap.

All you ever do
is deal with unreasonable teachers...

unreasonable parents,
an unreasonable workload...

and a mad bun man once in a while.

I'm going to make some, uh-
some raisin toast.

Emily-

- Emily, you're doing a great job.
- I know.

And the only reason
that you're even thinking about quitting...

is because you can't get cooperation
from people likejanet and me.

I know.

Well, I'm staying, and, uh...

I thinkyou should too.

Don't you, Bob?

Well, there- there are
two sides to every coin.

Well, I-l really thank you, Ed,
and I'm- I'm certainly gonna think about it.

Good. Well, I-l gotta go.

I leftjanet waiting in the car.

Why didn't you ask her to come up?

I did.

Well, we certainly know
howjanet feels.

What do you think I should do, Bob?
Quit or stay?

[Sighs]
I thinkyou should take my advice.

- Your advice was to quit.
- Or stay.

- That's what I'm gonna do.
- What?

- Stay.
- That's exactly what I'd do.

You can always quit later.

Hi, dear.

Oh, hi, honey.
How was your day?

Unreasonable,
but I loved every minute of it.

I figure I should be caught up
in about O or years.

Well, you can, uh, work weekends.

I was counting weekends.
Hey. You want to hear the good news?

Ed Hoffman's two male hamsters
had three male offspring.

- How did he explain that to the kids?
- Badly.

- How was your day?
- I'm exhausted.

I wonder where this month's copy
of Sky World is?

Gee. I don't know, Howard.
Our subscription ran out.

Well, I just happen
to have a copy right here.

Would you be interested in reading
about this month's Sky Guy?

Let me see it.

Of course, they, uh,
shortened it a little.

“Second Officer Howard Borden.

“Born September .
Hobbies:

sailing hats.“

Is that a misprint, Howard?

No. When we got fogged in,
we used to sit around and sail hats.

- How about a drink?
- Well, we tried, uh, sailing drinks once, but, uh...

the lounge got so slippery
we couldn't dance.

Well, I'll, uh.
see you guys later, okay?

See you, Sky Guy.

We're okay, Emily.

Believe me.
We're okay.

[ Mews]