04x20 - Duke of Dunk

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, Emily.
- Oh, hi, Howard.

- Where's Bob?
- He andjerry went to the basketball game.

How come he never
takes you with him?

I don't understand the game.

Well, I'd explain it to you,
but I don't understand it either.

It has something to do
with a basket though.

- And a ball.
- Yeah,yeah, and a ball...

and, uh, you drool it a lot.

Howard, I thinkyou dribble it.

Well, what's the difference?
Either way it's sickening. [Groans]

What are you drinking, Howard?

Oh, I came over
to show you my goldfish.

- Isn't he a cute little guy?
- What makes you so sure he's a guy?

What are you looking for?

Oh, nothing.

I thought he was a guy.
He's kind of a strong swimmer.

L, uh- I just gotta get a kind of
a good name for him,you know.

How about Mark Spitz?

No, I don't want to name him after a person.
I named my dog after a person.

- Oh, really? What'd you name your dog?
- Howard Borden.

Did your mail get mixed up?

Only once.

On my th birthday, he was drafted.
Never saw him since.

- Oh, Howard, maybe he's a general now.
- Yeah.

Hey, look. He's blowing bubbles.
[Laughs]

Oh, Howard, he is one in a million.

Yeah, that's why I want
a good name for him.

Listen, Howard,
this may seem way out...

but why don't you call him, uh, Goldie?

- Why?
- Because he's a goldfish.

I don't get the connection.

Goldfish? Goldie?

Yeah, I guess it is stupid.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, Bob.

The game- That Dwayne Granger is fantastic.
I have never seen a player like that in my life.

Aw. Did your friend Chuck McCoy
hoop a lot of scores?

No, Emily, you don't
understand basketball.

See, Chuck is the coach.
He doesn't hoop.

Dwayne Granger hoops.
He's unbelievable.

He scored points tonight
for a new league record.

Oh, that's good, Bob.
Did you see my stapler?

No, honey, he is the most fantastic basketball
player you have ever seen in your life.

The last second of the first half
he steals the ball.

- He dribbles all the way down to the far end
of the court. - What do you think of my fish?

Nice.

He slam-dunks it.
That's why they call him “the Duke of Dunk.“

Can't find the stapler.
Have to use paper clips.

The third quarter, rebounds and pulls
the team within eight points of the other.

- Did you see the paper clips? - I think
they're in the second drawer in the kitchen.

An all-time record, Emily,
and I was there to see it.

They're not there. I looked.

- T/ythe den?
- Mm-hmm.

I'm talking about basketball,
you're talking about paper clips.

Well, I need the stapler.

This is a joke.

Tell it, Bob. I lovejokes.

- Well, go ahead, honey. I'm sorry.
- Read about it in the paper.

- Come on, Bob. Tell thejoke.
_ NO_

- Go ahead. Come on. We'll listen.
- Yeah.

Okay, in the third quarter,
we have the ball out-of-bounds, right?

Duke breaks from the baseline to the top of
the key,jumps in the air for the inbound pass.

Without even coming down, he whirls around,
through the hoop, the buzzer goes off.

Well, that's nice.

I don't get thatjoke.

- You're not supposed to get it.
- Maybe you told it wrong.

Yeah, I told it wrong.

Well, I'd like to hear it again,
but it's our feeding time.

Come on, boy. Here we go.

- Oh, uh, Emily, do you have any fish food?
- Fresh out.

Oh, that's okay.
I'll just whip him up some scrambled eggs.

- Want a cup of coffee?
- No, thank you.

There's, uh- There's some
chocolate cake in the refrigerator.

No, thank you.

Oh. Come on, honey.
Now, don't be angry.

I'm just not interested in basketball.

Emily, it's that kind of apathy that's
gonna cause the Chicago Sunspots to fold.

Well, I never heard of
the Chicago Sunspots.

- Have you heard of the Roman Empire?
- Of course.

Well, it was people like you that caused it to-
to decline and then fall.

I'm sorry, Bob. I didn't mean to.

Now, come on.
Tell me about the game.

Emily, it was amazing.
Sixty-three points by one man in one game.

- You know what I think, Bob?
- What?

I think I left that stapler at school.

- Emily.
- Mmm?

L-I don't want to hurt your feelings...

but the next time I come back
from a basketball game...

don't be here.

It's the last second of the first half.
Granger steals the ball.

Heads down court,
fakes one guy out of his ch-jersey.

Takes off from the top of the key,
floats in the air for a minute and a half...

and slam-dunks it.

Nice dunk, Duke.

I'm really sorry.

He slam-dunks it right as the buzzer goes off.
Musfve been in the air for a minute and a half.

- What a night, huh? - Carol, you wouldn't
believe it. End of the third quarter-

Uh, the next guy who slam-dunks something
at me gets his shirt thumbtacked to his chest.

I'm sorry, Carol. We shouldn't
talk basketball in front of you.

- Yeah, let's talk behind her back.
- Why don't we talk in my office?

Wait a minute. You can talk right here.
I know a little about b-ball, you know.

When I was a kid, I used to play for my school.
I was known as the Red Menace.

We're talking about
real basketball here.

You mean the Chicago Sunspots?
[Laughs]

You call that real basketball?
They've lost out ofl .

Yeah, but the-the Duke
scored points last night.

But they still lost, Bob,
because the Duke of Dunk is a hot dog.

Why do you think the Celtics
won so consistently, huh?

It wasn'tjust Bill Russell, you know.

It was Cousy, Sharman, Heinsohn, Satch Sanders,
with Ramsey coming off the bench.

Let's, uh-
Let's go in my officeJerry.

I told you she-
she doesn't understand.

How about asking Coach McCoy to give me
some free tickets for Saturday night's game?

Jerry, why don't you buy 'em, support the team?
There were plenty of seats.

- I don't wanna buy any tickets. They're
gonna lose anyway. - Then why go?

I wanna see the Duke of Dunk.
Besides, I'll have free tickets.

I'm not gonna ask Chuck
for free tickets.

All I want is eight
lousy tickets here.

- Eight? You said a couple.
- No, I said a few.

Eight's not a few. Eight's a bunch.

No, no, no. Ten's a bunch.
Eight is a few.

Jerry, I'm not gonna
get you tickets.

Hey, I grew up in an orphanage, Bob.

Nothing makes an orphan happier
than a free ticket to a basketball game.

You're gonna give
these tickets to orphans?

Every one of those eight tickets
is going to an orphan.

- Except for seven.
- [Knocking]

- Bob, Chuck McCoy's on the phone.
- h, thanks, Carol

Tell him the Red Menace is available
if he needs a scrappy little playmaker.

Ask him about the tickets, Bob.

Chuck? Fantastic game.

The last second of the first half,
the Duke breaks through, steals the ball-

Oh, that's right.
You saw it, didn't you?

Tickets, Bob. Tickets.

Uh, I-Well, you almost won.

I tell you, the Duke
is a one-man team.

- What do you mean, that's the trouble?
- Orphans, Bob.

Tickets for orphans.

Well, sure I'd like to help
the Sunspots out...

but, uh, I haven't played in years.

Oh, uh, how could I help
as a psychologist?

Uh-huh.

Sure, I'll, uh, take a cr*ck at it.
So long, Chuck.

You didn't ask Chuck
about the tickets.

I didn't have to ask Chuck. I'm gonna ask the Duke
of Dunk. He's coming to my house tonight.

- Duke of Dunk's coming to your house?
- That's right.

Your house'll be a shrine, Bob.

Want some tickets to my house?

Just as long as they're free.

I want to apologize, Bob.
I was really wrong.

Well, you, uh, may have been right
about the Duke of Dunk being a hot dog.

Oh, I know I was right about the Duke.
I was wrong about the Celtics.

It wasn't Satch Sanders.
It was “j unglejim“ Loscutoff.

Yeah, I wondered how long
it was gonna be before you-

[Clears Throat]
you'd realize that.

Here it is, Emily.
A relic from the past. .

I scored four points with that
while I was a senior in high school.

Looks like it was
sh*t out of a cannon.

It had a lot more air in it
during the' s.

I'm gonna puff it up and have
the Duke of Dunk sign it tonight.

Ah, well, what makes you
so sure he's gonna show up?

Oh, he has to.
See, he owes the coach $ , in fines.

The coach is gonna take offa thousand dollars
for each time he comes to see me.

Oh, he must've done something terrible
to be fined that much.

He did. He was late for a bed check,
he missed two practice sessions in one week...

and he, uh-
he was rowdy on the team bus.

Rowdy? Oh. Well, it's a good thing
they abolished capital punishment.

See you later, Emily.

Bob, do I really have
to go over to Howard's?

- I have a patient coming.
- Okay.

You know, I'm really not looking forward
to watching Howard train his fish to sit up.

You never know. Someday
he might be a stunt-fish.

Oh, uh, do we have a, uh-
a basketball pump?

- No, but we have a bicycle pump in the den.
- Oh.

Oh, uh- uh, how about a needle?

It's in the haystack.
It's in the pump.

Bob, when can I come home?

When I call you!

I wouldn't do this
for the game of football.

Bob, Emily's being mean.

- What's she doing, Howard?
- Well, shejust walked in and started reading.

- That's vicious.
- Yeah. It sure is. She didn't say hello to my goldfish.

And don't you think he
isn't insulted over there, boy.

He's banging his head against the bowl
to try to get her to like him.

Do you think that's fun?
You try banging your head against the window.

Uh, maybe later, Howard.
I'm waiting for a patient.

She's got him so upset,
he can't even eat his spareribs.

- You the doc?
- Yeah.

- I'm the Duke.
- Yeah, I-l know.

Tell the coach I was here.

Oh, and, uh, tell him to take
a thousand off my fine. See ya, Doc.

See-See you.

- Who was that?
- The, uh- The Duke of Dunk.

One of the greatest
basketball players of all time.

He's a personal friend of mine. I-

I call him “Duke“
and he calls me, uh, “Doc?

Uh, is the session almost over, Doc?

Just a few more minutes.

Oh, my watch must be slow.
Too many diamonds in it.

This is our I Oth session, Dwayne.

Duke. Hey, I ever show you this?

“Dwayne 'Duke of Dunk' Granger.

“Most Valuable Player.

“Average: points.

“Thirty-nine rebounds in one game.

“Holder of nine other records...

“including most consecutive...

“free throws,
best field goal percentage...

“most games over O points...

“most games over O points...

“most blocked sh*ts, most-

Continued on next watch.“

“Points in single quarter...

most points in single half.“

- Impressive.
- Yeah.

- Dwayne-
- Mr. Magic.

- Who-Who is Mr. Magic?
- Me. That's my new name.

I just thought it up.
It's gonna spread like wildfire.

In a week, it'll be a legend.

We're never gonna get to
the real problem, are we?

You never told me what
your real problem is.

Does it have something to do
with, uh, being short?

Your fines are all paid up.
You're square with your coach.

Why don't you just go home?

Ah, that's okay. I think
I can spare you a few more minutes.

See, I thinkyou really do have a problem,
but, uh, you're afraid to talk about it.

What do you mean? lfl had a problem
and wanted to talk about it...

I'd talk about it with
my friends, wouldn't I?

- From what I understand, you don't
have any friends. - What do you mean?

I got plenty of friends.
All the guys on the team are my friends.

I mean, that little guard, uh-
uh, whafs-his-name?

- Buddyjohnson.
- foot , white guy.

- Right.
- Yeah, he's my best friend.

- You sure ifsjohnson?
- I'm sure.

Dwayne, you don't have
any friends on the team.

Ah, so what? Who needs friends?
Who needs the team?

[Chuckles]
I am the team.

No, you're not.
You'rejust a hot dog.

So I'm a hot dog.
That's what the fans pay to see.

Maybe so, but, uh,
a hot dog needs a bun.

Think about that, Dwayne.

A hot dog needs a bun.

See, a hot dog needs a bun
to be picked up with.

It might also need some ketchup
and some sauerkraut.

In order to win, a hot dog needs a team,
just like you need a team.

Yeah? Well, urn, I like
hot clogs with just beans.

I'm a hot dog, and the fans are the beans,
so that's all I need.

- [ Sighs]
- Dwayne.

The Sunspots have lost
games in a row.

Now, if you keep losing,
you're gonna lose your beans.

The world's full of beans.

- Your time's up.
- Oh. Well, uh, will I be seeing you next week?

No, you won't.
Your fines are all paid.

Oh, yeah, I know that, but, uh,
I kind of like to listen to you... babble.

Fine, I'll, uh, see you next week.

Hey, you know, Doc, you really
said some intelligent things today.

- That's nice to know.
- Yeah.

You really made me
realize something-

You don't have to be tall to be smart.
[Laughs]

Can I have the, uh, sports section?

Waita minute.
I'm not finished reading it.

- You're, uh, reading the sports section?
- Mm-hmm.

Why?

Well, maybe I'm interested in seeing
if Phil Esposito scored any goals...

against the revamped
Boston Bruin defense.

Did he?

Yes, he did. “A -foot slap sh*t.
The goalie never saw it because he was screened.“

Did you understand one word
of what you just said?

Yes, Boston.

It's a city in Massachusetts.

Can I have the sports section, please?

Why can't they write this
in English? Listen.

“Chi-town Sunspots eclipsed
in doleful drubbing.“

- Yeah?
- You understand that?

- The Sunspots lost.
- Well, why can't they just say that?

Well, I guess they had a lot of space
to fill up the newspaper and, uh...

they filled it up.

- How doleful was the drubbing?
- Uh.

Uh, t .

- The Sunspots only got ?
- That's right. It says here...

“Kamal Kamir Simpson was high
for the Sunspots with six.

Duke of Dunk passes instead
of sh**t. Scores only .“

- Let me see that.
- I'm reading it.

- He's my client.
- Well, it's my paper.

- I wanna read about my patient.
- I will read it to you.

- It's wrinkled.
- You wrinkled it.

Listen to this. “Interviewed after the game
about his performance, the Duke said...

'I'm only trying to please the beans.“'

Now what the hell does that mean?

Beans are fans.

Well, I'm never gonna
understand sports.

I don't feel sorry for you.
I'll never understand the woman's page.

- Mmm.
- Look at this.

Uh...

“Fall fashions feature pastels.“

Now-Now what's that
supposed to mean?

It means there are gonna be
a lot of pastel shades in the fall fashions.

Then why can't they just say that?

Hey, Bob, Emily. Look what happened.

Howard, I'm so sorry.

I mean, I know how much
he meant to you.

Howard,just, uh-just leave him.
I'll-I'll flush him.

No, no, no. He had babies.

Nine of'em.
I don't understand what happened.

You think maybe, uh, he's a girl?

It's a possibility
you're gonna have to consider.

Then who's the father?

Maybe it's the commander of that
little plastic submarine in there.

They, uh- They go crazy on weekends.

No, Howard's fish would
never go for a servicemen.

Women do crazy things
for men in uniform.

Well, maybe once, Bob,
in a fit of passion, but nine times?

For every submarine commander,
there's a submarine crew.

- Carol, take a letter please.
- SureJer. Wait till I get my quill.

- sh**t.
- “To Dr. Robert Hartley“-

Wouldn't it be easier
to talk to him?

“Dear Dr. Hartley, this is to inform you
that I am no longer talking to you.“

- Oh.
- “I am appalled at your thoughtlessness...

your rudeness
and your inconsideration.“

Goodness graciousJerry.
Whatever has happened?

- Bob's being thoughtless, rude and inconsiderate.
- No wonder you're appalled.

“Furthermore, the Chicago
Sunspots warm-upjacket...

“which you promised me
three weeks ago...

has not arrived.“

- Hi, Carol.
- Morning, Bob.

- HLJerry.
- Carol, would you, uh, read that back, please?

“Dear Dr. Hartley, this is to inform you
that I am no longer talking to you.“

What's, uh- What's the problem?

Something about a “whim-rutjunket.“

Warm-up jacket.

Jerry, I said I'd try
to get thejacket.

“L n conclusion, I hope one clay you will realize
one of the worst things in the world...

is to renege on a promise
to an orphan.“

Jerry, if you want
thejacket that bad...

why don't you buy one
at the department store?

“RS. All of the department stores
are out of extra-largejackets.”

- Uh, get Chuck McCoy on the phone for me,
will you, Carol? - I have to type this letter.

- Or I could wait.
- [ Elevator Bell Dings]

- Hi, Duke.
- Aw, gee.

- How'd you recognize me?
- You should've used a shorter disguise.

Duke, why are you dressed like that?

Didn't you read the read the paper this morning?
They called me “the Duke of Dull.“

Remember the Celtics?
They were dull and all they did was win.

- Carol, don't you have a letter to type?
- Oh, yeah.

Why don't we go in the office?
She doesn't understand sports.

“PPS, And what about
the autographed basketball?"

Okay, Doc. I did it your way.
You saw what happened.

- It was a “doleful drubbing.“
- Mmm.

But it's, uh, the first time
you ever played as a team player.

Every pass I threw to those guys
went through their hands and out-of-bounds.

- Maybe they just weren't used to it.
- Ah, those guys stink.

- You can't win 'em all.
- Terrific.

Well, listen, if I can't win 'em all,
I gotta do what's right for me.

- What's that? - I gotta be who I am.
I'm an arrogant, millionaire superstar.

I gotta sh**t the ball
every time I get my hands on it.

I mean, I had enough of
the, uh, mustard, onions and sauerkraut.

- Well, that was just an analogy.
- Yeah.

Well, uh, try and come up
with a better one.

All right, um-

How about the Hancock Tower analogy?

Yeah, the Hancock Tower. That's me.

Yeah, standing up there
a hundred stories high, towering over the city.

Yeah, but it doesn't
stand up by itself.

What, uh- What holds it together?

Ketchup?

No, girders and mortar and steel.

Oh, what about rivets?

- Have you heard this analogy before?
- No, no.

Look, try it my way one more time...

and, uh, maybe your passes won't
bounce off their foreheads.

- What if I don't? - Then I'm afraid
you'll have to listen to another analogy.

Okay, I'll try it.

Listen, I'm only doing it
'cause I respect you.

I mean, uh, you're the kind of guy
I can really look up to.

Thanks. Your, uh-

Your fines are all paid, so I'm gonna have
to start charging you for your sessions.

Oh, yeah?
How much is it gonna be, stretch?

Thirty-five dollars.

Ah, that's a drop in the bucket.

Oh, and, uh, by the way...

could you get me
a Sunspot warm-upjacket, extra-large?

- You're not extra-large.
- It's for a friend of mine.

Oh, sure. They're bucks.

Hey, I want you to come down
to practice sometime, okay?

We'll go one-on-one.

I'll put you in the popcorn machine.

- Good morning, Carol. ls Bob in?
- Yes.

He's downstairs having coffee
with his therapy group.

[Laughs]

- Think I should take it in?
- I thinkyou should take it off.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Carol, I'd like you to meet
my “Fear of Winning“ therapy group.

Yeah, these are my best friends.

- Uh, this is Buddy, um-
-johnson.

Yeah, rightjohnson. And, uh, um-

- Roger McCusker.
- Yeah, that's it. And somebody Russ, right?

And, uh- Oh. Where is he?

Kamal Kamir Simpson.

Well, why don't you go in my office?

Come on, Kamal. Come here.

Come here. Come in.

[ Mews]