Before we start
our meeting
I have a little announcement
to make.
You're a chronic
bed wetter.
You're wearing
women's panties.
You once sh*t a man
just to watch him die.
Okay, that was fun.
Yeah. Now that we got that
out of our systems...
During the ' s,
you had a thing
For latin
"coochy-coochy" girl charo.
See, I can be fun too.
As I was saying...
It's that time of year
When f.y.i.takes on
a student intern
So if any of you know
of a deserving college graduate
Eager for a career
in the world of television...
Miles, I have
the perfect person.
You always have someone.
I'm famous
and meet a lot of people
So I know an overabundance
of qualified applicants.
Qualified, indeed.
Like your choice last year--
your gardener's son, leo.
Leo was not that bad.
He set a fire on the th floor.
He pulled a Kn*fe on me
in the xerox room.
I caught him sniffing my shoes.
I never said he was perfect.
The purpose of the internship
Is to give
a talented young person
Exposure to our business
Not to get you a discount
on your gardening bill.
Frank took care of that
When he picked leo
out of that police line-up.
This year I have someone
With a genuine interest
in television.
His name is rudy thomopolos.
Isn't that your auto mechanic's
last name?
You are unbelievable.
Miles, I have someone
Who would be perfect
for the internship.
She's very excited
about the business
Was president of her
college media society
And graduated with
honors in journalism.
Interesting concept.
Giving the internship
To somebody
who's actually qualified
Rather than using it for
one's own selfish gain.
It's one way
of going.
She sent me a very nice letter
After hearing me speak
at my alma mater--
Eastern louisiana university.
She also pledged my sorority,
was captain of the pep squad
And was voted
"miss inspiration"--
Qualities that led to success
for others in this business.
It paid off
for irving r. Levine.
Look, whoever we pick
Is going to be in our faces
for the next eight weeks.
Do we really want some
perky pep-squader?
You won't get that
perky thing with rudy.
Since he did that tune-up
with the garage door closed
He's been unusually quiet.
So, looks like we have two
clear and distinct choices here.
Why don't we vote?
All those for murphy's
latest nut case?
His name is rudy.
If the doctors felt
he was a danger
They wouldn't have made him
an outpatient.
Now come on. All for rudy?
All:
oh, frank!
My life is so much easier
this way.
Okay, that's two for rudy.
All those for
corky's nominee.
What's her name, corky?
Amy. Amy shoemaker.
Amy. Geez,
even her name is perky.
All for amy?
Uh, looks like a tie.
They can fight it out.
Whoever is left standing...
Amy it is.
Can you believe it?!
Two girls from the very same
sorority on f.y.i.!
I'm going to send her a note.
Well, won't this be fun?
We'll have an even peppier,
perkier version of corky.
Mark my words.
In two weeks, a Kn*fe-wielding,
shoe-sniffing arsonist
Is going to look
pretty darn good.
Hey, corky, any sign
Of our new intern?
Not yet.
I've got her desk set up.
I even got her a carnation,
our sorority flower.
Rudy wouldn't need
a carnation.
She's here!
♪♪ Walk on a pathway
of carnations ♪♪
♪♪ To reach our
noblest aspirations ♪♪
♪♪ Lyre of our heart
will always ring true ♪♪
♪♪ Strings of your gold
will make music untold ♪♪
♪♪ Singing of our alpha chi. ♪♪
Amy?
Hello, miss sherwood.
Amy!
Well, I just love this.
Corky:
I'm so glad
you're here!
How was your flight?
Why don't I introduce you?
Everyone, there's someone here
I'd like you to meet.
Hello.
I'm amy shoemaker,
and I'm so excited to be here
My head is swimming.
Really?
Why don't you sit down?
Oh, hello, amy.
I'm murphy brown.
I'm, uh, frank fontana... Ma'am.
Miles silverberg,
executive producer.
You don't want
a chair?
Thank you, I'm fine.
I'm wearing
dr. Scholl's insoles.
It's like floating on air.
Welcome to f.y.i.,Amy.
I'm jim dial.
Well, of course you are.
I can remember
Watching you
back in the ' s.
Even on a ten-inch,
black-and-white philco
You always came across
as a fine reporter
And a very nice boy.
Thank you.
So!
She's finally here.
Amy. Amy shoemaker.
Amy... Amy... Amy.
Ah, so, amy, you just
graduated from college?
That's right.
I'm the oldest person
to ever graduate e.l.u.
All:
you don't say.
My dad was upset I took an extra
semester to get my degree.
There's plenty of time
to get acquainted.
I've got a desk set up for you
right over there.
Why don't you just get settled.
Okey-dokey.
She's old!
No kidding.
What was your first clue,
the medic-alert bracelet
Or the rattle of doan's pills
in her pocket?
Would you be quiet!
Wait until she's
out of earshot.
She was probably out of earshot
standing here.
I don't know.
The intern does a lot of work
Plus personal errands
we need done.
I doubt running
is her strong suit.
Send her to editing
with a tape
Of clinton's first days
She won't arrive before
he's out of office.
Are you saying
she can't do it?
That I dragged her here
So she could suffer
the humiliation
Of being let go
before she starts?
I don't know, corky.
It's a good thing I'm not
the type to say "I told you so"
But you wanted corky's intern,
and you've got her.
How is that different
from "I told you so"?
It's a lot
classier.
So she's old.
That doesn't mean
the job will k*ll her.
She survived world wars,
the depression
And maybe spring break
in fort lauderdale.
Are you saying
she can handle it?
I see an intern
to use the same way
I always use interns.
Wonderful.
An -year-old woman
Putting a coat of
hot carnauba wax
On a porsche.
No, not that.
I need the b.c.c.i. File
from the storeroom
And she's going to get it.
Are you sure
about that, murph?
She'll need the stepladder
to get it.
The wobbly stepladder.
That's missing
a foot pad.
What if she slips
and grabs one of the shelves
And pulls the thing
on top of her?
If she can't pull her weight,
she shouldn't be here.
So, amy...
Ready for your
first assignment?
Oh, yes, miss brown.
Okay. I'd like you to...
I'd like you to sharpen
this pencil for me
And I want it done now.
Right, miss brown.
Right away.
You think I'm letting her
off the hook.
Well, I'm not.
Amy! Let's see that pencil.
You call that
a point?!
Do it over.
See?
Here you go.
Sit right here
and enjoy the show.
Isn't there anything
that I can do?
I feel like I've
been sitting all week.
Well, there's a reason
for that, amy.
You see, the ability to sit
Is crucial for a career
in television news.
Rather, brokaw,
jennings--
All great sitters.
Edward r. Murrow had a backside
the size of a honda civic.
Think he was born with it?
He worked at it.
Learn from him.
Go on.
All right.
Five minutes to air, people.
Uh, miles,
remember last year
I told you
my kid brother, gary
Wanted to intern?
What about it?
Well, gary was .
You told me
he was too old.
Well, now he's too young.
See me next year, okay?
Well, amy, here we are
Minutes before your very first
f.y.i.broadcast.
Isn't this exciting?
I'm all a-tingle.
Murphy:
miles, we got
Big problems.
I haven't
gotten verification
Of the exact figure
of the arms sales.
We can't run that
without corroboration!
I ran out of time.
I wasted my week
Doing research
Viewing hours of file footage,
fetching my own lunch--
Jobs normally done by an intern
But we don't have an intern.
We've got corky's
sorority sister
Old mother hubbard.
Well, I was afraid
Looking at all
that footage
Would cause amy
eye strain
And you're the one
who didn't want her
Crossing the street.
You were afraid
she'd wind up
Plastered to the bus.
I can verify that for you.
That's okay, amy.
With two minutes to air
I think miles and I
will have better luck.
Try department of commerce.
I'll try defense.
I would really like to help.
Amy, you already have.
That book of stamps
you got me?
Excellent choice
Going with nature's wildlife
over the love stamps.
Exactly what
I would have chosen.
This is
murphy brown.
Miles, the director
Needs to see the revisions
I've made on my opening...
Jim, I'm on the phone.
I need a confirmation.
I can run that
up to the booth.
That would be fine, amy
Except that I have to go up
to see the director myself.
His wife
recently had surgery.
I'll see how she's doing.
I had lunch
with him yesterday
And he told me he was gay.
He is.
Gay as the day is long.
I was referring
to his wife, hank.
I call him
his wife
Because I'm so comfortable
With the concept
of alternative lifestyle.
Two minutes to air, people.
Oh, good lord!
Are you sure you have
enough time?
I frequently run up
the three flights
To the director's booth
moments before the show.
You know, I can't get over
how many little things
You all insist
on doing for yourselves.
They never told us that
at college.
It's our way of staying humble.
None of us wants to get
a big head.
Well, I guess I can understand
that big-head thing
But I'm still a little thrown
by that big-bottom theory.
. Billion.
Thanks.
I owe you one.
Miles, I got it.
Oh, thank you.
. Billion,
in case you're interested.
Jim:
out of my way,
damn it!
Jim.
Are you all right?
Just that my -year-old heart
exploded
On the second flight of stairs
As I was attempting to hurdle
betty the script girl.
Betty, also known as
the refrigerator with bangs.
Where's frank?!
Has anybody seen frank?!
He's right here.
On the phone?!
We're seconds to air!
He went to a bank machine,
and his car won't start.
What?!
Frank runs
to a cash machine?!
That's the sort of job
you send an intern...
...ationally known
courier to do!
Your story's up second.
Grab a cab and you'll
get here on time.
What's that?
How do you know
they're skinheads?
Maybe they're just
servicemen on leave.
Baseball bats? Really?
Frank, forget the cab.
Just run.
Yes, I will tell corky
you said that.
Yes, I will use
those exact words.
Now move!
Okay, professional tv faces.
In five,
four, three...
Have a good show, everyone.
It's great
finally sitting down
To a nice, relaxing lunch.
Yeah, right.
It's been five days.
Let it go.
The important thing
is you weren't hurt.
They recovered your car--
Or the frame,
the most important part.
It made corky realize
If amy's staying on,
the whole intern situation
Has to be handled differently.
Here's your
Dry cleaning, frank.
It's about time.
They forgot to replace
the button on my shirt.
It's got to go back.
Oh, come on, frank.
Enough is enough.
You've got corky
doing your research
Your dry cleaning.
How will she have time
to get my car washed?
Hey there, murphy.
Hi, phil.
What's in the box?
Phyllis and I
were cleaning out the attic.
We ran across some toys
avery might like.
Oh, phil, how sweet of you.
Look at this old
tin fire truck.
And this popeye windup toy.
A lot of this stuff
Could be collector's items.
Really?
A friend of mine paid bucks
for a truck just like this.
Gee...
Look at the sharp edges
on that thing.
I might as well give the kid
an old chain saw.
Where was my head?
I'll just buy him a nice, soft,
plastic yo-yo instead.
Ah, aruba, here I come.
I checked in with amy.
New york is rushing us
A videotape, and it has
to be picked up at the airport.
She wanted to go get it,
but then I imagined her
In all that traffic,
all alone in that big van
Her cloudy, aged eyes
Straining to see
over the steering wheel.
I hope you all
have a nice lunch. Bye.
Corky...
Corky, you're not going
to the airport.
It's time we all admit
we're having a hard time
Asking amy to perform
the normal intern duties
And we've got to do
something about it.
I can't tell her
The internship
is too hard for her.
It would break her heart.
Oh, god.
I wish she'd
just quit the job.
It occurs to me
There just might be
another solution.
For example,
we stop protecting her
And let her attempt
to do the job.
Allowing her to do things
she probably couldn't do?
So she'd realize she's too old,
get discouraged, and quit?
All I'm saying is we need
someone to go to the airport--
A long drive to a busy,
confusing place.
Oh, murphy,
that's cruel and sadistic.
Let's do it.
Be sure to call the moment
she pulls in. Thanks.
There's still no sign
from downstairs.
She's probably
just running late.
Three hours late?
Tim's driven
back and forth
To the airport twice.
He hasn't seen amy
or the van.
She's probably taken
surface streets.
Why hasn't she picked up
the phone in the van?
She's probably...
Dead! Go on, say it!
It's what
we're all thinking.
Oh, god, I've k*lled
a sorority sister.
Do you have any idea
what the penalty is for that?
I must have been crazy
to listen to you.
Sending that frail
little old lady
To the air freight
office.
Those big, heavy crates.
Those awful men
behind the counter
Who leer at women
And make those disgusting
"chicky, baby" sounds.
(Elevator chimes)
Miles:
frank!
Corky:
frank, did you
find her?
I checked
the airport.
Amy took the tape,
but where is she?
Did you ask security?
Did you look in the parking lot?
Of course, I did.
What's that on
your lip, frank?
It's salt
Isn't it?
Instead of looking for amy
You were in the lounge
Having margaritas!
I had one.
Look, I only went in
because I saw
A lot of old people
through the window.
You went in because
it was happy hour.
It was good
investigative work.
It was half-priced drinks
and scandinavian stewardesses.
I'm holding you responsible.
If anything happens to amy
You have to call
her grandkids
And tell them
their beloved nana d*ed
Because you were too busy
coming in for a landing
On a stewardess
named inga.
(Elevator chimes)
Amy! You're here!
And alive!
I got the tape.
You're never going to believe
what happened.
What?
When I got over
to the air freight counter
This guy handed me a tape
addressed to cnn.
All:
oh.
Then he made disgusting
"Chicky-chicky, baby"
noises.
I told him
He was not too old
for a spanking
And I was just
the little chicky baby
To give it to him.
Then I made him call cnn.
Sure enough, they had our tape.
That was quick thinking.
Oh, please,
I'm just getting started.
Anyway, when I got over to cnn
I found out new york
sent us a half-inch transfer
Instead of a three-quarter,
so I cornered wolf blitzer
And asked him
if there was somebody
Who could run off a copy.
All his engineers were busy,
so I dubbed it myself.
You dubbed a tape?
Well, I had to.
Wolf was totally lost in there.
He's a very nice boy
But I don't think
he could program a vcr
If his life depended on it.
Marvin!
Will you please run this
over to editing for me?
Go,go-go-go!
Well, amy,
I have to say
I am very impressed,
and it occurs to me
As I'm sure it does
everyone here
That perhaps
we haven't given you
Enough
responsibility here.
No kidding.
I could have been dead
and done this job.
You people have to realize
old is not incapacitated.
You're right.
You're absolutely
right.
We feel guilty
for something
We're not proud of.
We apologize.
I'm so sorry,
amy.
I tried to tell them
you could do the job
But they...
Murphy,
apologize now!
I'm sorry, amy.
We promise to give you
a lot more responsibility.
Well, step on it.
I've only got
a couple of minutes
Before I leave
for my new job.
Miles:
what new job?
Well, wolf was so
knocked out by me--
His words--
That he called
his producer
Who offered me a job--
a real job!
Now, granted,
it's starting at the bottom
But I have
a few good years left in me
And I want to spend them
learning new things
And feeling useful.
We'll make you
feel useful.
We'll work you
like a pack mule.
Oh, promises, promises.
Well, listen,
I've got to go.
I'm working
the larry king show tonight.
I have to double-check
all of larry's facts.
It seems larry's
in love again
And he gets
a little distracted.
Murphy:
amy, amy
You don't want
to work for cnn.
Ted turner gives
dried fruit at christmas.
Oh, good.
Well, thanks,
I'll keep in touch.
We'll do lunch one day.
I'll even go out and get it.
There's no prestige at cnn.
They're cable.
We're network.
Oh, honey, everybody knows
network television is dead.
You e's got
a real mean streak in her.
She should do very well
in this business.