05x18 - The World According to Avery
Posted: 09/07/22 09:46
♪♪ In love ♪♪
♪♪ With you ♪♪
♪♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪♪
Miles:
can we have some quiet?!
We're in the middle
of a run-through here.
Murphy:
miles, I'm sorry I'm late,
but eldin's sick
So I've got avery for the day.
Oh, hey, look who it is.
Murphy:
what is it about a baby
That makes grown people
act like such idiots?
Do you have any idea
what you must look like to him?
No, and we don't care.
All right, people, fun is fun,
but we've got work to do.
Murphy,
we're not ready for you yet
So why don't
you and avery just relax?
You're not getting your gums
on this beauty.
Sooner or later,
he'll drop his guard
Then it's lunchtime
at the brooks brothers cafe.
Come on.
Mommy's going to show you
Where she made
casper weinberger cry.
Miles:
okay.
So after frank's segment
We move on
to corkster's piece on...
Well, you know.
It's all right
to say it, miles.
"Divorce in the ' s."
Will and I are just separated.
It doesn't mean
our marriage is over.
You can separate an egg
But as long
as the yolk and the white
Haven't been scrambled
It's possible everything
will turn out sunny-side up.
Hey, I never really looked at it
that way before.
I see your point.
T to commercial
if she goes wacko.
Okay, that's everything
at the anchor desk.
Now let's talk
about murphy's interview
With senator matheson.
Okay, miles, here's the plan.
I'm going to lob him a few
softballs to get him relaxed
Then hit him
with the hard stuff.
Get a close-up
When I do, bearing in mind
that the senator's
A little taller.
Senator,
thank you for joining us.
How have you been?
Good. That's very good.
How is congress getting along
with the new president?
Oh... Very interesting.
Senator, would you mind
explaining this photo of you
Accepting a briefcase
full of cash
From mob boss joey gambon, hmm?
Not talking, huh?
Or... This photo
of you playing scrub-a-dub
With an unknown companion, eh?
Ha! Gotcha
with that one.
When I finish with matheson
He's going to have
less to say than avery
And be twice as wet.
A u.s. Senator
in bed with the mob.
This is big.
This is share big.
Great work, murphy.
And to show you
how pleased I am
Here you go, avery.
Chow down.
Now, for the rest of you
After the broadcast,
I'm buying at phil's tonight.
Figures. I won't be here.
Why not?
My father's th birthday.
I'm leaving after the show.
What?!
Oh, no. Oh, geez.
Miles:
what's the matter?
I'm not going
to tell her.
You tell her.
Tell me what.
Avery, you are so cute.
Do you mind
if I hold him?
There's nothing like having
a baby in your arms
Especially when you have
to tell his mother
The senator
she was going to nail
Just got arrested
by federal marshals.
What?!
He can't confess! Not yet!
Murphy,
I'm holding the baby.
Hi, honey.
Miles, I've been working
for months on this story.
I even had dinner
With a guy named
joey razorface.
Give me the baby, john.
Get your own.
So we lost our
live interview.
We'll just have to rerun
one of your old pieces.
I won't be the only one
without an original story.
I'll get another interview.
Where?
Politicians are so desperate
to be on television
They fight each other to stand
in front of the camcorder
At sears.
Frank, I've got
to go out for a while.
Would you look after avery?
Sure. Want to spend
some time with uncle frank?
Don't use him to pick up girls
at phil's again.
Sweetheart, mommy's got
to do a little work
But I'll be back,
and when I do...
Go! We don't have all day!
Maybe I don't need all day,
o ye of little faith.
In fact, watch me saunter.
(Whistling)
Move it! Get out of the way!
Move it! Move it!
Frank: please, I can take a cab.
It's not a problem.
No, I don't want you
to pick me up at the airport.
Dad, the flight doesn't get in
till after midnight.
No, I don't want you to drive
To the airport in your pajamas.
You said you wouldn't
get out of the car last time
Then I find you chasing
robert goulet
Trying to get his autograph.
Of course he wouldn't
give it to you.
He probably thought
you were an outpatient.
Don't put mom on.
It's too hard to talk to you
both at the same...
Hi, mom.
I didn't say I didn't want
to talk to you.
I'm not yelling at her, dad.
Look, let's not fight, okay?
It's your birthday tomorrow.
I got you a great gift.
Really?
You bought yourself a present?
Good for you.
What did you get?
A new golf bag.
Dad, how could you get yourself
a new golf bag
The day before your birthday?
Did it ever occur to you
that i...
I'm not yelling at him, mom.
Dad, listen...
I can't hear you when you both
talk at the same time.
Hey.
Hey!
Hello?
I' just see you tonight, okay?
(Screaming)
♪♪ Avery ♪♪
♪♪ Little boy baby avery. ♪♪
What are we going
to do, pal?
Let's see
what we've got here.
A rattle of some kind.
Boring.
Rainbow trout.
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Let's go fishing, pal.
It's stuck.
Get that rope off the tree.
So, tell me, partner
How they biting over there?
I'll have you know I caught me
a -pounder yesterday
Yep.
Right over here
by lake stupid golf bag.
I always wanted to go fishing
with my dad
But with the restaurant
he never had the time.
He said after
filleting fish all week
Last thing he wanted to do
was look for more.
It's true.
Uh-oh, uh-oh, whoa,
we got a big one.
He's a fighter.
Yes, he is a fighter.
Get the net.
Get the net, the net!
Yes!
Well, I got to get back
to work...
(Crying)
Hey, come on.
Don't you think I want to play?
But I've got a job to do.
Believe me,
someday when you are older
You'll understand...
Oh, man,
does that sound familiar.
But it's not
the same thing.
I'm under a lot more pressure
than my dad was.
I work all day.
Lots of nights.
Okay, okay, so did he.
Plus he had seven kids.
Wow.
Go ahead, say it.
I've been a selfish pig.
(Jabbering)
Thanks a lot.
Dad, listen, I was thinking
Maybe this weekend you and I
could get together...
Frank.
Anyway, what if
sometime this weekend
We go down to the marina,
we rent a boat
Maybe do a little fishing?
I just thought that since
you sold the restaurant
Years ago,
maybe you were over it.
Mom, could you get off
the phone
So I can talk to dad?
It's not a secret.
I'm not yelling at her, dad.
Look, we'll talk about it
When you pick me up
at the airport.
And please do me a favor.
Put a raincoat on
over the pajamas.
(Groaning)
Frank, I've told you
Not to call
your parents from the office.
Now, I just heard
That the network needs extra
time for the newsbreak tonight.
You'll have to cut seconds
of the sunken treasure piece.
Okay, but murphy's
not back yet.
Somebody's got
to watch avery.
No.
I'm having lunch with audrey.
I just love babies
But one really
isn't enough, is it?
I'd want lots and lots,
wouldn't you?
Me? Uh... Sure.
Considering that "lots"
is an indeterminate number
And my lifestyle is such
that children would be a burden
Falling mostly on the woman
in my life
Who would grow weary and haggard
under the strain.
Do you want your pickle?
Help yourself.
I think someone's
just about ready for his bottle.
Why don't you feed him
the rest of these bananas
And I'll go warm it up.
Okey-dokey.
Something about this picture
looks very right.
Stop being so cute.
Cry, whine, spit up on her.
I'll give you bucks
for one good hoo-ugh
On her new blouse.
It's too early for audrey and me
to be talking about babies.
See, we recently
moved in together
And the next logical step
is marriage
And then after that, you.
Apparently, according to audrey,
lots of yous.
I'm not ready for that kind
of responsibility.
Look at this,
I can't even get you to eat.
Here, watch this.
Mmm, yum, yum, good.
(Choking)
Oh, you think that's
pretty funny, don't you?
Okay, watch this.
(Crying)
Oh, wait a minute.
I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to make me think
I'm good at this.
You're trying to soften me up.
Well, it's not going to work.
No sirree.
Okay, maybe it's going
to work a little.
I suppose I could do this
if I had to
And you are pretty cute.
Yes, you are.
(Imitating gears grinding)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, look at this.
I lost a button.
Did you take my button, avery?
Did you take uncle miles'...
Open your mouth.
Say ah.
Don't swallow!
Audrey:
here's your bottle.
Oh, did you lose
a button, pookie?
You found it!
Thank you, lord.
Are you all right?
We can't have babies now.
They're needy, they're helpless
And how do you clip
their toenails
Without taking off
the whole toe?
No babies now.
Who said anything
about having babies?
My god, miles,
we just moved in together.
Can't we just slow down
and enjoy it?
Pookie.
Oh, very nice.
I walk into my office
and find my son being exposed
To page
of the kama-sutra
And with food.
Did you find an interview
for tonight?
No. I even went
to the senate office building
And tried knocking on doors.
It seems everyone's busy,
out of town, or in rehab.
We're going
with the rerun.
No. You do a rerun
when you're desperate
And I'm a long ways
from desperate.
So you take
your live sex show
To someone else's office
And let me get
some work done.
Leave the blintzes.
Okay...
Here's the deal.
Just between us, mommy
isa little desperate.
So we'll just have to pull out
all the stops, won't we?
Mm-hmm.
Hi, it's murphy own.
I know we haven't talked
for a long time
But we've got an opening
on fyi tonight
And I thought it might be fun
if we just...
Hello?
Hello?
Vice president quayle?
Boy, you talk about
holding a grudge.
On that same area
for about a half an hour.
Oh, god.
You can see it,
can't you?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Corky, I need you
to do me a fa...
Jeez, what's that
on your neck--
Mount st. Helens?
Great.
I can't cover this
with ordinary makeup.
I'll have to get
the stuff they use
On the gabors.
Corky, I'm going out
for a while
So I need you
to look after avery.
Sure!
Murphy, are you still looking
for someone
To interview tonight?
You know, we go on the air
in two hours.
George will is giving
an anniversary party
For the kissingers tonight.
With the crowd
that will be there
A chimpanzee could land
a great interview.
Gee, it must be wonderful
to be invited
To parties like that--
Mingling with people
who have made history, and...
Oh, murphy,
you weren't invited, were you?
You're going to crash
kissinger's anniversary party.
Relax. Henry will be
thrilled to see me
Especially when he sees
that picture I dug up
Of him, jill st. John,
and bebe rebozo
Playing pass the orange.
So, wish me luck.
Hi, avery.
Oh, god.
You're looking at it too.
It's awful, isn't it?
Gosh, I haven't had
one of these since...
Well, since my wedding night.
Guess it must be stress.
Not that I'm under any stress.
Oh, sure, I'm separated, but...
So are eggs and salad dressing
And half the royal family.
So, what would you like to do?
We could... Sing
Or... I could tell you
a little story.
Would you like that?
All right.
Let's see.
Once upon a time
There lived
a beautiful, young princess
Who became
a very successful journalist
And won the humboldt award
three years ago.
Thank you very much.
Anyway, she fell in love
And married
a handsome, young prince
And she thought
because her life
Had always been
such a fairy tale
They'd live happily ever after
But they didn't.
They had problems.
They grew apart.
And finally, the prince moved
to another kingdom
With his own castle
And a hot tub
And a view
of the hollywood sign.
(Sighs)
And the princess wished
upon a star
That a fairy godmother
would come and help her...
But instead she was visited
by an attorney
From harrison, o'brien,
and kipner...
With divorce papers.
She never told anyone
she got the divorce papers
Because she just knew
if she said it out loud
Her whole world would end.
But then, one day,
a magical, bouncing elf
Tricked her
into saying it out loud...
And the princess was surprised.
Her world didn't end.
And then she realized...
Even if her life
Wasn't going to be
happily ever after...
At least maybe
it was going to be okay.
(Sighs)
(Sighs)
And now for another story.
Once upon a time, there was
a beautiful, young princess
Who grew a second head
out of her neck.
Oh, god. Didi!
Jim, murphy's not back yet
So you have
to watch avery
While I go
to wardrobe.
Corky, please.
This is
my personal time.
Everyone knows
I sit here alone
Before each show
And do the new york times
crossword puzzle... Alone.
Everybody knows that.
But jim, I can't take the baby
to wardrobe.
There are pins in there.
I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid
this is impossible.
Explain to murphy
why when she gives him a bottle
The milk squirts out
of little holes in his body.
But i...
Well, all right.
Leave him.
But this is
highly irregular.
See you later,
avery.
All right.
I suppose
I'll have to let you in
On a little secret--
I'm not really doing
the crossword puzzle.
See? I just wrote "blorph"
And it isn't even
a word.
Well, it might be to you perhaps
But the point is
the puzzle is just a cover
So people will leave me alone.
You see,
I have this little... Ritual
That I do before each show.
I've been doing it
ever since I started
In this business
as a way to relax me.
Not that I get nervous,
you understand.
Certainly not.
It's just that I appear live
In front
of million people each week.
Million.
Have you any idea
What a responsibility
that is?
One wrong facial expression
And I can send the nation
into an emotional tailspin.
Once, during a story
on the economy
I banged my knee under the desk
and grimaced slightly.
The next day, the stock market
dropped points.
Well, anyway, this ritual I do
has become a tradition
And it's... Well, it's not
something I've ever done
In front of anyone, but...
It's getting late
So I guess I'll have
to go ahead and do it
With you watching.
(Clears throat)
(Long, loud outburst
of flatulence)
There.
That stays between us,
understand?
All right, two minutes
to air, everybody.
She's not going to make it.
Why is she doing this
to me?
Why didn't she let me run
an old interview?
Why not save us all
some time
And back her car over me?
Hi, everybody.
You're here-- great!
You're alone-- not great!
Relax.
My interview will be right in.
Who did you get?
Hello there, sweetie.
Did you get some good dirt
on everybody?
We'll talk
on the way home.
We are on the air
in seconds--
Enough time
for the blood clot
Forming in my left ventricle
To dislodge itself
and travel to my brain
Where, if I'm lucky,
it will k*ll me instantly.
Where is this interview
you're sticking me with?!
Jim:
dear lord!
Frank:
jeez, louise!
Holy...
Ness.
Your... Your holiness.
How are you?
This is miles silverberg,
our producer
And my son avery.
Kutchy-kutchy-coo...
John:
all right, ten seconds,
everybody.
Let's go.
Just another show.
Right this way,
your eminence.
Here we go, people
In five, four, three, two...
Good evening, and welcome
to another edition of fyi.
For your information tonight...
♪♪ With you ♪♪
♪♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪♪
Miles:
can we have some quiet?!
We're in the middle
of a run-through here.
Murphy:
miles, I'm sorry I'm late,
but eldin's sick
So I've got avery for the day.
Oh, hey, look who it is.
Murphy:
what is it about a baby
That makes grown people
act like such idiots?
Do you have any idea
what you must look like to him?
No, and we don't care.
All right, people, fun is fun,
but we've got work to do.
Murphy,
we're not ready for you yet
So why don't
you and avery just relax?
You're not getting your gums
on this beauty.
Sooner or later,
he'll drop his guard
Then it's lunchtime
at the brooks brothers cafe.
Come on.
Mommy's going to show you
Where she made
casper weinberger cry.
Miles:
okay.
So after frank's segment
We move on
to corkster's piece on...
Well, you know.
It's all right
to say it, miles.
"Divorce in the ' s."
Will and I are just separated.
It doesn't mean
our marriage is over.
You can separate an egg
But as long
as the yolk and the white
Haven't been scrambled
It's possible everything
will turn out sunny-side up.
Hey, I never really looked at it
that way before.
I see your point.
T to commercial
if she goes wacko.
Okay, that's everything
at the anchor desk.
Now let's talk
about murphy's interview
With senator matheson.
Okay, miles, here's the plan.
I'm going to lob him a few
softballs to get him relaxed
Then hit him
with the hard stuff.
Get a close-up
When I do, bearing in mind
that the senator's
A little taller.
Senator,
thank you for joining us.
How have you been?
Good. That's very good.
How is congress getting along
with the new president?
Oh... Very interesting.
Senator, would you mind
explaining this photo of you
Accepting a briefcase
full of cash
From mob boss joey gambon, hmm?
Not talking, huh?
Or... This photo
of you playing scrub-a-dub
With an unknown companion, eh?
Ha! Gotcha
with that one.
When I finish with matheson
He's going to have
less to say than avery
And be twice as wet.
A u.s. Senator
in bed with the mob.
This is big.
This is share big.
Great work, murphy.
And to show you
how pleased I am
Here you go, avery.
Chow down.
Now, for the rest of you
After the broadcast,
I'm buying at phil's tonight.
Figures. I won't be here.
Why not?
My father's th birthday.
I'm leaving after the show.
What?!
Oh, no. Oh, geez.
Miles:
what's the matter?
I'm not going
to tell her.
You tell her.
Tell me what.
Avery, you are so cute.
Do you mind
if I hold him?
There's nothing like having
a baby in your arms
Especially when you have
to tell his mother
The senator
she was going to nail
Just got arrested
by federal marshals.
What?!
He can't confess! Not yet!
Murphy,
I'm holding the baby.
Hi, honey.
Miles, I've been working
for months on this story.
I even had dinner
With a guy named
joey razorface.
Give me the baby, john.
Get your own.
So we lost our
live interview.
We'll just have to rerun
one of your old pieces.
I won't be the only one
without an original story.
I'll get another interview.
Where?
Politicians are so desperate
to be on television
They fight each other to stand
in front of the camcorder
At sears.
Frank, I've got
to go out for a while.
Would you look after avery?
Sure. Want to spend
some time with uncle frank?
Don't use him to pick up girls
at phil's again.
Sweetheart, mommy's got
to do a little work
But I'll be back,
and when I do...
Go! We don't have all day!
Maybe I don't need all day,
o ye of little faith.
In fact, watch me saunter.
(Whistling)
Move it! Get out of the way!
Move it! Move it!
Frank: please, I can take a cab.
It's not a problem.
No, I don't want you
to pick me up at the airport.
Dad, the flight doesn't get in
till after midnight.
No, I don't want you to drive
To the airport in your pajamas.
You said you wouldn't
get out of the car last time
Then I find you chasing
robert goulet
Trying to get his autograph.
Of course he wouldn't
give it to you.
He probably thought
you were an outpatient.
Don't put mom on.
It's too hard to talk to you
both at the same...
Hi, mom.
I didn't say I didn't want
to talk to you.
I'm not yelling at her, dad.
Look, let's not fight, okay?
It's your birthday tomorrow.
I got you a great gift.
Really?
You bought yourself a present?
Good for you.
What did you get?
A new golf bag.
Dad, how could you get yourself
a new golf bag
The day before your birthday?
Did it ever occur to you
that i...
I'm not yelling at him, mom.
Dad, listen...
I can't hear you when you both
talk at the same time.
Hey.
Hey!
Hello?
I' just see you tonight, okay?
(Screaming)
♪♪ Avery ♪♪
♪♪ Little boy baby avery. ♪♪
What are we going
to do, pal?
Let's see
what we've got here.
A rattle of some kind.
Boring.
Rainbow trout.
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Let's go fishing, pal.
It's stuck.
Get that rope off the tree.
So, tell me, partner
How they biting over there?
I'll have you know I caught me
a -pounder yesterday
Yep.
Right over here
by lake stupid golf bag.
I always wanted to go fishing
with my dad
But with the restaurant
he never had the time.
He said after
filleting fish all week
Last thing he wanted to do
was look for more.
It's true.
Uh-oh, uh-oh, whoa,
we got a big one.
He's a fighter.
Yes, he is a fighter.
Get the net.
Get the net, the net!
Yes!
Well, I got to get back
to work...
(Crying)
Hey, come on.
Don't you think I want to play?
But I've got a job to do.
Believe me,
someday when you are older
You'll understand...
Oh, man,
does that sound familiar.
But it's not
the same thing.
I'm under a lot more pressure
than my dad was.
I work all day.
Lots of nights.
Okay, okay, so did he.
Plus he had seven kids.
Wow.
Go ahead, say it.
I've been a selfish pig.
(Jabbering)
Thanks a lot.
Dad, listen, I was thinking
Maybe this weekend you and I
could get together...
Frank.
Anyway, what if
sometime this weekend
We go down to the marina,
we rent a boat
Maybe do a little fishing?
I just thought that since
you sold the restaurant
Years ago,
maybe you were over it.
Mom, could you get off
the phone
So I can talk to dad?
It's not a secret.
I'm not yelling at her, dad.
Look, we'll talk about it
When you pick me up
at the airport.
And please do me a favor.
Put a raincoat on
over the pajamas.
(Groaning)
Frank, I've told you
Not to call
your parents from the office.
Now, I just heard
That the network needs extra
time for the newsbreak tonight.
You'll have to cut seconds
of the sunken treasure piece.
Okay, but murphy's
not back yet.
Somebody's got
to watch avery.
No.
I'm having lunch with audrey.
I just love babies
But one really
isn't enough, is it?
I'd want lots and lots,
wouldn't you?
Me? Uh... Sure.
Considering that "lots"
is an indeterminate number
And my lifestyle is such
that children would be a burden
Falling mostly on the woman
in my life
Who would grow weary and haggard
under the strain.
Do you want your pickle?
Help yourself.
I think someone's
just about ready for his bottle.
Why don't you feed him
the rest of these bananas
And I'll go warm it up.
Okey-dokey.
Something about this picture
looks very right.
Stop being so cute.
Cry, whine, spit up on her.
I'll give you bucks
for one good hoo-ugh
On her new blouse.
It's too early for audrey and me
to be talking about babies.
See, we recently
moved in together
And the next logical step
is marriage
And then after that, you.
Apparently, according to audrey,
lots of yous.
I'm not ready for that kind
of responsibility.
Look at this,
I can't even get you to eat.
Here, watch this.
Mmm, yum, yum, good.
(Choking)
Oh, you think that's
pretty funny, don't you?
Okay, watch this.
(Crying)
Oh, wait a minute.
I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to make me think
I'm good at this.
You're trying to soften me up.
Well, it's not going to work.
No sirree.
Okay, maybe it's going
to work a little.
I suppose I could do this
if I had to
And you are pretty cute.
Yes, you are.
(Imitating gears grinding)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, look at this.
I lost a button.
Did you take my button, avery?
Did you take uncle miles'...
Open your mouth.
Say ah.
Don't swallow!
Audrey:
here's your bottle.
Oh, did you lose
a button, pookie?
You found it!
Thank you, lord.
Are you all right?
We can't have babies now.
They're needy, they're helpless
And how do you clip
their toenails
Without taking off
the whole toe?
No babies now.
Who said anything
about having babies?
My god, miles,
we just moved in together.
Can't we just slow down
and enjoy it?
Pookie.
Oh, very nice.
I walk into my office
and find my son being exposed
To page
of the kama-sutra
And with food.
Did you find an interview
for tonight?
No. I even went
to the senate office building
And tried knocking on doors.
It seems everyone's busy,
out of town, or in rehab.
We're going
with the rerun.
No. You do a rerun
when you're desperate
And I'm a long ways
from desperate.
So you take
your live sex show
To someone else's office
And let me get
some work done.
Leave the blintzes.
Okay...
Here's the deal.
Just between us, mommy
isa little desperate.
So we'll just have to pull out
all the stops, won't we?
Mm-hmm.
Hi, it's murphy own.
I know we haven't talked
for a long time
But we've got an opening
on fyi tonight
And I thought it might be fun
if we just...
Hello?
Hello?
Vice president quayle?
Boy, you talk about
holding a grudge.
On that same area
for about a half an hour.
Oh, god.
You can see it,
can't you?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Corky, I need you
to do me a fa...
Jeez, what's that
on your neck--
Mount st. Helens?
Great.
I can't cover this
with ordinary makeup.
I'll have to get
the stuff they use
On the gabors.
Corky, I'm going out
for a while
So I need you
to look after avery.
Sure!
Murphy, are you still looking
for someone
To interview tonight?
You know, we go on the air
in two hours.
George will is giving
an anniversary party
For the kissingers tonight.
With the crowd
that will be there
A chimpanzee could land
a great interview.
Gee, it must be wonderful
to be invited
To parties like that--
Mingling with people
who have made history, and...
Oh, murphy,
you weren't invited, were you?
You're going to crash
kissinger's anniversary party.
Relax. Henry will be
thrilled to see me
Especially when he sees
that picture I dug up
Of him, jill st. John,
and bebe rebozo
Playing pass the orange.
So, wish me luck.
Hi, avery.
Oh, god.
You're looking at it too.
It's awful, isn't it?
Gosh, I haven't had
one of these since...
Well, since my wedding night.
Guess it must be stress.
Not that I'm under any stress.
Oh, sure, I'm separated, but...
So are eggs and salad dressing
And half the royal family.
So, what would you like to do?
We could... Sing
Or... I could tell you
a little story.
Would you like that?
All right.
Let's see.
Once upon a time
There lived
a beautiful, young princess
Who became
a very successful journalist
And won the humboldt award
three years ago.
Thank you very much.
Anyway, she fell in love
And married
a handsome, young prince
And she thought
because her life
Had always been
such a fairy tale
They'd live happily ever after
But they didn't.
They had problems.
They grew apart.
And finally, the prince moved
to another kingdom
With his own castle
And a hot tub
And a view
of the hollywood sign.
(Sighs)
And the princess wished
upon a star
That a fairy godmother
would come and help her...
But instead she was visited
by an attorney
From harrison, o'brien,
and kipner...
With divorce papers.
She never told anyone
she got the divorce papers
Because she just knew
if she said it out loud
Her whole world would end.
But then, one day,
a magical, bouncing elf
Tricked her
into saying it out loud...
And the princess was surprised.
Her world didn't end.
And then she realized...
Even if her life
Wasn't going to be
happily ever after...
At least maybe
it was going to be okay.
(Sighs)
(Sighs)
And now for another story.
Once upon a time, there was
a beautiful, young princess
Who grew a second head
out of her neck.
Oh, god. Didi!
Jim, murphy's not back yet
So you have
to watch avery
While I go
to wardrobe.
Corky, please.
This is
my personal time.
Everyone knows
I sit here alone
Before each show
And do the new york times
crossword puzzle... Alone.
Everybody knows that.
But jim, I can't take the baby
to wardrobe.
There are pins in there.
I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid
this is impossible.
Explain to murphy
why when she gives him a bottle
The milk squirts out
of little holes in his body.
But i...
Well, all right.
Leave him.
But this is
highly irregular.
See you later,
avery.
All right.
I suppose
I'll have to let you in
On a little secret--
I'm not really doing
the crossword puzzle.
See? I just wrote "blorph"
And it isn't even
a word.
Well, it might be to you perhaps
But the point is
the puzzle is just a cover
So people will leave me alone.
You see,
I have this little... Ritual
That I do before each show.
I've been doing it
ever since I started
In this business
as a way to relax me.
Not that I get nervous,
you understand.
Certainly not.
It's just that I appear live
In front
of million people each week.
Million.
Have you any idea
What a responsibility
that is?
One wrong facial expression
And I can send the nation
into an emotional tailspin.
Once, during a story
on the economy
I banged my knee under the desk
and grimaced slightly.
The next day, the stock market
dropped points.
Well, anyway, this ritual I do
has become a tradition
And it's... Well, it's not
something I've ever done
In front of anyone, but...
It's getting late
So I guess I'll have
to go ahead and do it
With you watching.
(Clears throat)
(Long, loud outburst
of flatulence)
There.
That stays between us,
understand?
All right, two minutes
to air, everybody.
She's not going to make it.
Why is she doing this
to me?
Why didn't she let me run
an old interview?
Why not save us all
some time
And back her car over me?
Hi, everybody.
You're here-- great!
You're alone-- not great!
Relax.
My interview will be right in.
Who did you get?
Hello there, sweetie.
Did you get some good dirt
on everybody?
We'll talk
on the way home.
We are on the air
in seconds--
Enough time
for the blood clot
Forming in my left ventricle
To dislodge itself
and travel to my brain
Where, if I'm lucky,
it will k*ll me instantly.
Where is this interview
you're sticking me with?!
Jim:
dear lord!
Frank:
jeez, louise!
Holy...
Ness.
Your... Your holiness.
How are you?
This is miles silverberg,
our producer
And my son avery.
Kutchy-kutchy-coo...
John:
all right, ten seconds,
everybody.
Let's go.
Just another show.
Right this way,
your eminence.
Here we go, people
In five, four, three, two...
Good evening, and welcome
to another edition of fyi.
For your information tonight...