05x19 - Bump in the Night

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Murphy Brown". Aired: November 14, 1988 – May 18, 1998.*
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Murphy Brown is the star reporter of "FYI," a newsmagazine series.
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05x19 - Bump in the Night

Post by bunniefuu »

"The six-story fall
only because fontana was able

"To distract stebbins
long enough for rescue workers

"To get an inflatable
mattress in place.

"Stebbins, a vice president

"At solloway brothers
investment firm

"Is leading
federal investigators

"Through their records

"In what is being called

"The financial scandal
of the decade."

Frank, ts is
so exciting.

You've been
on the front page

Of every paper in the country.

Isn't it exciting,murphy?

Oh, yeah, it's very exciting.

So, is everybody
ready to order?

You start doing
just another story

And it explodes
into the biggest thing

You've ever done.

I've been on larry king...

So have i.

I was on meet the press.

Done it.

And nightline.

Doen it three times.
Been to ted's house twice.

Well, I think someone
at this table

Is having a nice, big plate
of sour grapes for lunch.

I'm sure murphy's

As excited for frank
as the rest of us.

Isn't that right?

You bet.
I gave frank this story.

Yup. It was

My story,
but I passed it on to him.

This business
is horribly unfair.

Can we order?

Hey, there, everybody.

What can I get you?

Burger, fries...
And it was originally my story.

The usual. Who's next?

Frank, you won't believe this.

What are you doing
thursday night?

You're not doing it.

They want you

On late night
with david letterman.

What?

How about that?

Isn't that the fellow

Who's on past midnight?

You must be kidding.

Not kidding, not kidding.

They loved the part
about falling

Off the building.

Oh, god,
I left al gore on hold

To take the call
from letterman's people.

Wait a minute.

He's the vice president.

What else does he have to do?

Congratulations, frank.

I've always thought

That I'd be a natural
for letterman.

He's had julia child on,
paul prudhomme.

I got stories
that could kick their butts.

Remember that time

The pickled egg got away
from me, and landed

Down jean kirkpatrick's blouse?

I could k*ll with that one.

Maybe you could talk me up
with letterman.

I don't know, phil.

I'm going on as a guest.

It might not be
the right thing to do.

Oh. Sure.

Sure, I understand.

You have a great time
on the show.

Oh, thanks, phil.

I'll be here
changing the fat

In the deep fryer.

Oh, yeah.

Color me contented.

Oh, murphy,
do you know

What I just
realized?

Oh, no, no, no.

If you had kept that story

You'd be the one on letterman.

No, no, no, no.

You've never been on letterman.

The irony's just piling up
around me now.

Murph...

No, I wish you
the best of luck.

Letterman's a mercurial guy.

Hope he's in a good mood
the night you're on.

I'll never forget that night
he tore into jessica tandy.

I'll always remember her
cowering in her chair

Calling out hume's name
over and over again.

Murph,
t's clear the air here.

Yes, you gave me the story

But I was the one
who ran with it.

You might not
have even been there

When he went
out on the ledge.

And even if you were

I doubt you
would have gone after him.

That's exactly
what I would have done.

I'll tell you something.

On that drop,
I would have gotten a quote

Unlike you, who screamed "mommy"
the entire way down.


(Chanting:)
♪♪ I'm going on letterman. ♪

♪♪ You've never been
on letterman. ♪♪

(Doorbell rings)

Hi. I was
in the neighborhood.

Hi. Come on in.

Okay.

Okay, okay, I'll go first.

Thank you for the story.

I really appreciate it

And I'm sorry
for being a jerk.

No, frank.

What happened today
was all my fault.

I don't know
what my problem was.

I heard this stuff coming
out of my mouth

And I couldn't stop myself.

It's like somebody else got
a few minutes in the spotlight

And I flipped out.

I want you to be happy for me.

You're right, frank.

You're my buddy.

I should be happy for you

And I'm going to start
right now.

Okay, I'm happy now.

I'm very happy for you.

I'm feeling
kind of a warm glow.

Oh, it's the heating vent.

I don't want you to pull
a muscle, murph.

Take your time.

I can get this.

I know. The night
you're on letterman

I'll have a party.

The whole g*ng
can come and watch.

I have a better idea.

Why don't you come
with me to the taping?

It's your night.

You don't want me
tagging along.

To tell you the truth,
I'm a little nervous.

You've done talk shows
more than I have.

You can give me
some pointers.

Okay, I'll come along,
but you're going to do great.

I guess.

Letterman's
not that bad.

I mean,
that thing you said

About him
and jessica tandy--

You were kidding, right?

So, what are you going
to wear on the show?

Oh, god.

Mr. Fontana.

You can relax in here.

Caroline,
it's a funny thing

But I've never been
a guest on this show.

It just strikes me as odd.

Does it seem odd to you?

I work in television.

I don't consider myself
a good judge of odd.

Nice answer.

Meet some
of our guests.

This is john rennie

An exciting
young comedian.

It's his first time
on the show.

Hi. Frank fontana.

You're
a first-timer too?

Yeah.

A little nervous,
but I'll be okay.

I'm seeing
how many parts

Of my body I can sweat out of.

I don't blame you
for being nervous.

I'll never forget
the first time

I was on national
television.

All I could think about

Were those millions
of people out there.

All watching me.

I thought my head
was going to explode.

It was like someone

Was sticking pins
into my eyebrows...

Here we have
mrs. Kobolakis.

She has trained birds.

You got birds in there?

Oh, please, my babies must have
calm and quiet before the show.

Oh. Okay.

Five minutes till curtain,
polly, awk.

Why don't you step this way
and let the birds rest?

Mr. Fontana,
the basic rundown:

You're going
to be

Our second guest
tonight

Then mrs. Kobolakis
and the birds

And we'll end the show
with john.

If I'm bumped, it's okay.

I can come back.

Put your head
between your legs.

You'll be fine.

Here are your cards.

Here's what you'll
be talking about.

We'll start
with your big story...

It was my story,
but I gave it to him.

We worked it out.

Great.

Then we'll go to parachuting

Into the bolivian jungle
story...

Do you mind
if I just have a...

I don't think

You want to tell
the parachute story.

Everyone knows where it's going
after the first sentence.

Ooh, god.

Not the heather locklear story.

Oh, boy. We're dragging out
all the old chestnuts tonight.

Actually, miss brown

You're not supposed
to touch the cards.

Sorry.

I don't know

If we'll be able
to fit it in

But I brought
my saxophone.

It worked for
bill clinton, right?

Dave doesn't want
any musical instruments

On the show this month

But it's great
that you play.

Is there anything else
you need to know?

Well, not that
I'm worried

But how's dave
feeling tonight?

Great, and he's looking forward
to talking with you.

Good. Could I say
hello to him

Before the show,
just touch base?

Dave doesn't talk
to his guests before airtime.

It hurts
the show's spontaneity.

When I did the tonight show

Ed mcmahon said hello
before the show.

Murph, it's okay.

Yeah, it's okay,
but it's not johnny.

Caroline?

Hi, teri. How are you?

Oh, I'm fine.

I was wondering--

Does dave have something
planned for tonight?

Something
I don't know about?

I was taking a shower

In my dressing room--
this is weird--

And I had
the strangest feeling

That somebody
was watching me.

As far as I know,
there's nothing planned.

So if somebody
was watching me

It wasn't
for the show.

Well,
that's a comfort.

Murph, look,
it's teri garr.

It's going to be
a great show.

It's always a great show
when teri's on.

Hi. I'm teri garr.

Frank fontana.

It's a real pleasure
to meet you.

I saw you
on that ledge.

What an incredible story.

It was originally
my story.

I gave it to him.

Murphy brown.

Nice to meet you.

I can't believe
you fell that far.

You are really a...

You've got guts.

A few more feet
to the right or left

And we all
would have seen them.

Anyway, teri,
I guess after tonight

We're both going to be
letterman alumni, huh?

Looks that way.

But what were you feeling
when that fall....

I have never been
a guest on this show.

Doesn't that seem odd?

Yeah, I wonder
why that is.

Oh, I know.

Oh, no, I'm wrong.

It's something else.

What?

Nothing. I just, um...

I thought I remembered

Dave saying something
about you

But I think
he must be kidding.

You should be
on the show.

It's really fun.

So, frank...

I'm sure, but it's
no tonight show with johnny.

I don't know.

Ed mcmahon
kept asking me

To be a judge
on star search.

It got kind
of uncomfortable, you know?

Mr. Fontana,
into makeup.

You have got
about ten minutes.

Can I get you anything?

Have any bottled water?

In the fridge
under the table.

Nice guy.

Oh, he's great.

I loved you in that movie
you did with al pacino.

What was that?

Al pacino?

I didn't do anything...

Oh, nope. Sorry.

My mistake. It wasn't you.

It was ellen barkin.

Oh, well, I could see
where you would...

Ellen and I
both are blondes.

It's a common mistake.

She's very good.

Boy, where did I hear
your name recently?

It will drive me crazy
if I don't remember.

Maybe it was
ellen barkin's name.

No, no, it was your name.

I know. It was one
of the guys on our crew.

It was one of our grips.

He did the last movie
you did...

It was something
in portugal...

A grip? Really?
What was his name?

Brian...

...sanders.
Brian sanders.

Uh-huh.

Boy, he is always talking
about that job in portugal.

Word on the stage has it

That he got involved
in some steamy thing

With one of the actresses.

When they
wrapped up filming

He said he had to go back
to his wife.

The actress flipped out.

The jerk didn't tell her
he was married.

It's typical, huh?

Sometimes when an actress
is on location

Away from home and vulnerable

And someone offers her
a little kindness

Maybe offers to unplug
a clogged sink in her trailer

She thinks...

Oh, no, it was you?

I had no idea.
I'm so sorry.

And then there's
the time difference.

At first, you don't even know
where you are.

Have you ever had
portuguese wine?

It's very strong,
and you don't...

Okay, teri, let's get you
backstage and in place.

What's wrong?

Nothing... Allergies.

It's probably the birds.

You might want
to tell frau blucher

It's time
to change the paper.

Come on, teri.

Teri, have a good one.

(Sobbing)

Teri:
so I went to the groomers

And when they
brought pinky out--

And this is the funny part--

I had asked for clear
nail polish, and, uh...

Oh, god, this is a stupid story.

(Sobbing:)
what was I thinking?

I'm sorry, dave.

I can't do it.

I just can't be
all cute and funny.

I just can't.

You mind if I just sit here?

Yikes! Talk about
your lead balloon...

Way to go, teri.

Way to get the show
off on the right foot.

All I have to do

Is get past
the first joke.

Just get through
the first joke

And it's
smooth sailing.

Run that first joke by me.

You could get a little practice.

No, I don't think so.

No, really.

I'm an easy laugh.

Well, okay.

I come out, and then
after the applause, I say

Well, it looks like

The prince charles,
princess di breakup

Is being handled pretty much
like any other couple's.

She's being awarded
child custody

The prince is being given
monthly moat privileges.

That's good.

That's really funny.

Oh, thank you very much.

It's even funnier

Than when leno told it
the other night.

You kidding?

That's my big joke!

Leno did my joke!

It wasn't
the same joke.

It was probably
nothing like it.

Right, murph?

No, it was pretty close.

Oh, my god..!

I use the word "moat"
seven more times in my act.

I have no act!

What am I going to do?!

Give me one of those birds.

Get away!

You're on dr*gs.

So you'll tell
another joke.

Here's a great one.

These two rabbis walk...

Murph!

All right, everybody,
slight change of plans.

The audience needs
a jump start.

Mr. Fontana

We'll push you back.

John, you'll be next.

Oh, my god!

Are you sure I
shouldn't get out..?

This will be better.

John, why don't
you come with me?

I'm dead!

I'm a dead man!

You'll be fine.

You've got that great moat joke.

After that, it's gravy.

You're going to k*ll!

Nice kid.

He's going to k*ll.

He's not doing
too well, is he?

Well, it's not that bad.

Turn up the sound.

It is up.

Wow.

How am I supposed
to follow that?

Nice going, murph.

You just ruined
that kid's debut.

I just tried to help him
avoid a pitfall.

Besides, young performers
work best under pressure.

Should he be
doubled over like that?

Okay, we aren't having a lot
of luck with human guests.

So, mrs. Kobolakis,
you and the birds are next.

The birds are next?

Once everything
is on an even keel

You'll be next.

I'll send the stagehands

For the cages.

Murph! Stay away
from the birds!

I'm not taking any chances.

A few minutes near you

They'll fly out
into the studio

And peck out
paul schaeffer's eyes.

Fine. I'll sit here.

I won't say a word.

Tell me, when these birds
get too old to perform

Will you eat them?

Frank, look at these birds.

They are really good.

They're dressed up as
characters from west side story.

Oh, wow!

Look at them rumble.

Shut up, murphy!

Will you just shut up?

I am supposed to be
out there right now.

You hear those laughs?

Those are my laughs!

How was I supposed to know

Comedians need to be handled
with kid gloves

Or that teri garr had a problem
with one of our grips?

What did you say to her?

You're the one who sent teri
into the dumper?

What is the matter with you?!

What is your problem?!

Okay, you're getting
worked up now.

Come here.
Take a look at this.

Uh-oh.

Looks like maria just had
a little accident

On the fire escape.

You know, you're right.

This isn't your fault.
It's my fault.

I should have listened
to that little voice in my head.

It said, "don't bring her.

She'll screw it up
for you, frankie."

Did you realize
this might be important to me?

All I wanted was
a little support

And look what happens!

I'm the closing act

For a cockatiel
in stiletto pumps!

Well, go ahead,
make a joke!

Come up with some excuse

Like you always do!

I can't, because you're right.

I have a voice inside me too.

Where there's a spotlight,
it tells me to get in it.

I don't do it on purpose.

I wish I could tell you
it will never happen again

But I don't want to lie to you.

If I could change this,
I would have done it by now.

So what am I
supposed to do?

Forgive me.

Because I'm not perfect.

Because I'm your best friend.

Because I'm the only person
you know

Who'll go to your
ex-girlfriend's weddings

And tell them
you're the greatest lover

I've ever had.

It is not going to work
this time, murphy.

This time,
I've had it with you.

Geez, frank... You don't
really mean that, do you?

Yes, I do.

For at least the next hour.

Mr. Fontana, I am so sorry,
but dave loved

The west side story bit so much,
he's letting the birds

Do les miz.

I'm afraid we're not going
to have time for you.

Oh, man.

Hold it one minute.

Murph...

No, wait.

Mr. Fontana is a very
well-respected newsman

Who is charming, funny

And not afraid
to leap off a building.

You do not bump a man
like this off the show.

What will we do about it?

We might have time for him
to go out and wave to the crowd.

Maybe I didn't
make myself clear.

Frank fontana
does not wave.

You do not throw
this man a bone.

He is a man of respect
and integrity.

He is not about
to be humiliated like that.

I want to wave.

It's a wave.
It's nothing.

My parents are watching.

They haven't been up past :

Since hollywood palace
was canceled.

We're running out
of time, mr. Fontana.

What would you
like to do?

Uh...

You're right, murph,
a wave is humiliating.

I am better than that.

You're absolutely right.

Frank fontana does not wave.

(Audience clapping)

There, wave to the crowd.

My apologies.

I'm sorry.

Thanks. We'll have you back
real soon.

Thank you very much.

My apologies.

Good night, america.

I can't believe I waved.

What's wrong with me?

Oh, come on, frank.

It's not that bad.

To some people,
a wave on letterman

Is a big deal.

I guess so.
You've never done it.

Don't push it, okay?

So, how about
I take you to dinner?

If you want to work
on that wave some more

I'll let you hail a cab.

Hey, I know you.

You're that woman.

You're, uh...

Me?

I'm frank fontana's friend.

Yeah, that's it.

Who the hell is frank fontana?
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