05x25 - One

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Murphy Brown". Aired: November 14, 1988 – May 18, 1998.*
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Murphy Brown is the star reporter of "FYI," a newsmagazine series.
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05x25 - One

Post by bunniefuu »

@ : : . .

I'll just need to see
the secretary general

For minutes to discuss
the world health organization.

I'll hold.

You still there?

What will it cost me?

To rent a pony?

I want him to give rides
at my son's birthday party

Not race at pimlico.

Hold on.

Yes.

He could see me at : ?

One second.

Is there an : a.m.
To new york?

: ? Hang on.

I don't know about
the helium balloons.

These are tiny children.

Somebody grabs too many strings,
suddenly we're looking at a dot

On the horizon.

Hang on.

Can he see me at : ?

I'll take the : .

Thlium.

Have that pony there by :

Or I'll bad-mouth you
to maria shriver.

Kennedy grandchildren--
think about it.

Helen, I want you
to pull the file

On the world health
organization.

These are health ministers

From india, uganda,
e philippines

And so on.

I want you to set up interviews
with them for next week.

I'd really feel better
if you wrote this down.

I don't have to.

I'm taking a course
to improve my memory.

I associate the word health
with hospital

Where you go with a broken bone

Which is put
in a cast.

I was in the cast
of bye bye birdie.

Birdies live in trees,
which are plants.

Plants can flower,
and I have a flower on my desk.

I just look
at the flower

And remember I was screwed out
of the lead in bye bye birdie

By joanie goodman just because
she put out.

That seemed
to work like a charm.

I associate the word
charm with lucky

Which you'll be
if you make it to lunch.

Behold the amazing
juggling woman

Journalist by day,
mother by night.

For my next feat

I will catch the :
shuttle tuesday

Conduct my u.n. Interviews

And be back in time to host
the social event of the season.

Oh, a party
for avery's birthday.

Of course, I'll come.

Did you plan it
by yourself?

Maybe I should have
asked that first.

It won't be like some of my less
successful parties in the past.

See that little cowpoke
on the invitation?

I know what
I'm doing.

We're talking about kids,
and the phrase

"I know what I'm doing"
came out of your mouth.

What's next--

"This waiter deserves
a bigger tip"?

I will be there.

This is something
I've got to see.

A few people thought my having
a child would be a disaster--

Pat robertson, phyllis schlafly,
most of utah

But avery and I have survived
a year of late-night feedings

Mysterious rashes

And my son's
inexplicable attraction

To the agony set to music
that is barry manilow.

We celebrate on tuesday.

(Imitating john wayne:)
well, I reckon

I'd be mighty pleased
to attend, little lady.

See, I'm r.s.v.p.ing
in the cowpoke theme.

Forget it, okay?

That's a "yes" for corky, frank,
and hop-along silverberg.

Jim, what about you?

I've never been
to a children's birthday party.

I've never even had one.

My father didn't like the idea

Of strangers
using our bathrooms.

That's a "yes."

Wouldn't miss it.

This is a guest list

To my son's birthday party.

The invitations
should go out tomorrow.

Right away, ms. Black...

White... Blue... Brown.

Excuse me.

Coming through.

Watch your backs.

Working mother.

Excuse me.

Hi. I'm on the : shuttle
to washington.

Hope you haven't pre-boarded
the mothers

With large, fuzzy animals.

It's a present
for my son's birthday.

He's one today.

Your seat is confirmed.

As soon as the fog clears,
we'll be boarding.

What?

The airport is closed
due to fog.

We can't be fogged in.

I don't have time.

I have to be home today.

You and other people.

If I could blow the fog away,
honey, I would.

Look, I'm sure you're having
a tough day

But let's not overreact.

I myself once flew
in an old crop duster

In a sandstorm just to interview
moammar qaddafi.

And the pilot had a lazy eye.

A little fog is nothing

To worry about.

Follow me on this.

The entire airport
is closed, right?

No planes in the sky

Of any kind.

Therefore, one plane
could take off

Without any chance
of hitting another plane.

One plane, up and out

And since it was our idea,
it should be our plane.

Who's with me on this?

You look like the kind of guy
who takes chances in life.

Come on, tiger.

You want me to call security?

I am not going to stand around
all day like these sheep

Too terrified to question
your bureaucratic safety rules.

I don't need
your wussy little airline.

I can rent a car and be home
in under four hours.

Hey, come on,
it was my idea.

I said it first.

Coming.

Happy birthday, avery.

Now, avery, before
you say anything

I know it looks
like I don't have a gift

But I have a special surprise
planned for you later.

I don't know

How to tell you
this, partner

But it looks like you waited
a mite too long to feed the cow.

This western theme
was her idea.

I wanted to go
with the old masters.

I was even willing
to combine the two

But I couldn't get past
the image of mona lisa

Soaking her saddle sores
in a big, metal tub.

Where is
the birthday mother--

In town picking fights
with sod busters?

Why do I even bother?

She's hung up in new york.

I'm at a loss as to what to do
with the guests.

Tell her I stayed for four hours
and had a wonderful time.

This is a savings bond.

Oh, jim, don't be
such a scaredy-cat.

Murphy will be here
any minute.

Let's meet some of avery's
little friends.

Jim:
hello there.

Hello.
Hi.

They're a lot older
than I expected.

Where do you think
avery met these people?

I'm guessing the international
house of pancakes.

Doesn't this seem
a little weird, eldin?

It's hard to say.

All her friends
seem weird to me.

Of course, I mean weird
in a healthy, positive...

Ah, skip it.

I'm telling you,
this is weird

Even for one
of murphy's parties.

It's a kid's birthday,
and there are no kids.

Now, it's still early

And parents with children
are always late.

(Doorbell ringing)

See?

I bet these are some
of the kids right now.

(Russian accent:)
hello. Is avery home?

Yeah.

Right through there.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Love your turban.

Okay, more guests.

There will be more
hors d'oeuvres

Coming out in a second.

In the meantime, there's
teething biscuits on the table.

(Phone ringing)

Hello.

Where are you?

What are you still doing
in new york?

What am I supposed to do
until you get here?

Yes, I have the list.

No, I don't think anyone
in this crowd's going to want...

Okay, okay, okay, I'll do it.

Just hurry up, will you, please?

Hurry up.

Um, excuse me.

Our hostess is running
just a tad late

But until she gets here,
there's still plenty to do.

Does anyone know
the hokey-pokey?

(Doorbell ringing)

All:
I'll get it.

I'll get that.

There's games
on this list.

One of them's got to ring a bell
with this crowd.

I hope so.

I'm looking out that window
and seeing one terrified pony.

Is ms. Brown here?

I think there's been
a terrible mistake.

Ah, the mother tongue--
how refreshing.

You see, there were two lists--

One for the party
and one for the u.n. Interviews

And I may have...

If I could just
see ms. Brown.

Red rover, red rover

Send mohammed
right over.

Oh dear.

Red rover, red rover,
send jim this way now!

And this one is...

A snake.

For you, madam.

Ah, a snake.

Real original, jim.

That makes six snakes,
three earthworms

And a dachshund
with no legs.

Show a little imagination.

I'm a journalist,
not a circus clown.

I've seen better audiences
at funerals.

And these are...

Married snakes.

(Sneezes)

I can't believe she
actually brought in hay.

Why didn't she
just invite me in

And rub a stray cat in my face?

It's been two hours

And my surprise gift
hasn't shown up.

Every time I try something
like this, it never works out.

Soon, they'll open presents.

The whole room will think
I've got nothing.

I'll be sitting here
like an idiot

While the word "cheap"
is whispered in languages.

My people don't
do well with hay.

That's why there are
no jewish cowboy stars.

Roy rogers, john wayne,
clint eastwood-- all gentiles.

It's the same
with the women.

Barbara stanwyck--
huge career in the saddle

But I guarantee you'll never see
barbra streisand

In chaps with a whip
in her hand.

Excuse me.

Coming through.

Hey there, miles.

Hey there, frank.

Hey there... Buddy.

Looks like avery pulled in
quite a haul.

My gift never showed up.

Still singing that old song.

You think
you know so much.

Well, know this, phil:

I am not finished yet.

I'm going shopping.

Frank fontana will not
be humiliated again.

Good luck wearing that hat.

Ah, there he is.

There's the birthday boy.

Hi, phil.

So how about this?

Avery's first birthday.

Interesting crowd.

I can't stand this.

There's got to be
some other activity

On the list
we can try.

I suppose I could

Bring out that cow pinata.

Dear lord, are you mad?

If our hindu friends

See us whacking a heifer
with a stick

This place could go sky high.

(Doorbell ringing)

Here, you take
the little prince.

I'll get that.

You're in big trouble now.

That's probably the police
telling you to hold it down.

I'm looking for avery brown's
birthday party.

You're a little overdressed,
aren't you?

I'm going to be performing
nearby

But I promised frank fontana
that I'd stop by.

You must be his big surprise.

Yes, I am.

So, what are you,
a magician?

I'm barry manilow.

Uh-huh.

Barry manilow, the singer.

That's too bad.

I'd like to see what
a magician could do

With this crowd.

As long as you're here,
let's give it a sh*t.

All right, fellas,
bring in the piano.

I hope you got
paid already.

I've only got
bucks on me.

Barry manilow!

Barry manilow!

All:
♪♪ I write the songs that make
the whole world sing ♪♪

♪♪ I write the songs that... ♪♪

Avery, I'm home.

I'm back.

Oh, god.

Oh, sweetheart.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I tried to keep everyone here
as long as I could.

Inviting that pony inside

Was probably a tactical error.

I wanted to be here so much.

I tried so hard to get back.

I thought I had it licked

When I signed up
for those driving lessons

In baltimore

But halfway here,
the teacher wised up.

There's a piano
in my house.

I should have just canceled
the interview

But I had to play wonder woman

And prove I could do it all.

Well, I can't.

It's too hard.

I don't know any more
about balancing my life

Than I did a year ago.

Avery suffers for it.

I think you're being
too hard on yourself.

This is not
a suffering kid.

Part of that
is because

He's whacked out
on birthday cake

But a big
part of that

Is you.

I'm not saying you're perfect.

And frankly, when you read him
goldilocks

Your mama and baby bear voices
sound suspiciously similar.

But you're
coming along

And you've really come
a long way.

And I have to tell you

That as far as this party goes,
he's not even going to remember

You weren't here.

Maybe not.

But I will.

I missed it, eldin.

The only time he'll turn one,
and I missed his birthday party.

I missed his first bite of cake,
him opening his presents.

What the heck
is that stuff?

Oh, this is akalimba--
an ancient african instrument.

It's got
a very soothing tone.

This is an abacus.

It's an old computer.

And, of course,
this is ganesh

The indian elephant god
of wisdom and prosperity.

Geez, haven't these people
ever heard of toys 'r us?

Oh, no,
I don't believe this.

"To avery.
Love, uncle frank.

"Barry manilow--
this one's for you.

"Barry manilow--
because it's christmas.

"Barry manilow--

The complete collection
with home video."

Did he think this was funny?

Actually, there's
a very amusing story

Attached to those.

I don't want to hear it.

"Barry manilow--
showstoppers.

Barry manilow-- live."

Now, there's a nightmare.

It could
have been worse.

You might have
had to pay for them.

Oh, my god.

Hi, murphy.

Barry manilow.

Oh, my god.

Eldin, those murals in the study
are really incredible.

Would you consider doing
an album cover?

An album cover?

There's an intriguing thought.

No.

I have to clean up
some plates.

Actually,
I have to sweep up plates.

I have no idea how that pony
opened the dishwasher.

Um, about that
nightmare comment--

I already have most of these,
so returning them

Would be a nightmare.

Frank already told me
who the manilow fan is.

I got to tell you,
avery's a terrific audience.

I can't believe
that you came all this way

Just to sing to my kid.

It's just incredible.

I only wish I'd been here.

What do you say I do something
just for the two of you?

Oh, really, you don't have to.

Sit down
and listen.

Who knows--
you might even like it.

I'm very hard to resist.

Well, all right.

You won't play o of
those long ones, will you?

Keep it up and I will.

♪♪ I am your child ♪♪

♪♪ Wherever you go ♪♪

♪♪ You take me too ♪♪

♪♪ Whatever I know ♪♪

♪♪ I learn from you ♪♪

♪♪ Whatever I do ♪♪

♪♪ You taught me to do ♪♪

♪♪ I am your child ♪♪

♪♪ And I am your chance ♪♪

♪♪Whatever will come♪♪

♪♪Will come from me♪♪

♪♪Tomorrow is won
by winning me♪♪

♪♪Whatever I am,
you taught me to be♪♪

♪♪I am your hope♪♪

♪♪I am your chance♪♪

♪♪I am your child♪♪

♪♪Whatever I am,
you taught me to be♪♪

♪♪I am your hope♪♪

♪♪I am your chance♪♪

♪♪I am your child.♪♪

It wasn't that bad, was it?

No, it wasn't.

In fact, it was wonderful.

Well, I guess
I should be going.

I'm performing
at the white house.

If I'm late,
the president might play.

You wouldn't believe

How difficult it is
to get an audience back

Once they've heard
"yakkety sax."

Listen, i...

We can't thank you enough
for doing this.

As you can hear,
it meant a lot to avery

And I won't ever
be able to tell you

What it meant to me.

He's a great kid.

Enjoy him.

I'm going to.

Wait a second.

I'm calling your uncle miles.

Miles... Hi, it's me.

Listen, we have to have a talk.

This just isn't working out
for me.

It means that I'm not as good
at this juggling act

As I thought I was.

I think we ought to make
some changes.

I'm not sure what kind.

Miles...

Your ears couldn't be bleeding.

You wouldn't be able to hear me.

Just calm down.

All right, we'll talk tomorrow.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

I love you.
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