Forecast-- cloudy, windy
and cold this morning...
...who really burns my butt?
That ice queen, murphy brown.n.
...on fyi last night?
She's nailing
some poor slob in congress
For cheating on his taxes.
His wife leaves him
He's under indictment...
Doesn't this guy
have enough problems
Without attila the hen
pecking at him?
She looks like she enjoys
inflicting pain.
I see a whip collection.
Am I alone on this?
Somebody ought to give her
a spanking.
I'd do it,
but I'd hurt my hand.
Ouch! Ooh!
Well, it's : and change
And you're listening
to marty crane
And if you didn't know that
by now
Would you go back to whatever
Third world country
you came from?!
Speaking of spanking
My next guest
likes to be spanked
While listening
to john philip sousa marches.
Miles:
I can't believe marty crane
Gave out our fax number.
These are disgusting.
Here comes
another one.
(Laughing)
All right, all right.
I want these destroyed
Before murphy has a chance
to see them.
Art.
Murphy! Hi there.
How you doing?
How are things?
Oh, just swell, miles.
I love getting stuck
in? Rush hour traffic
Listening to that jerk
marty crane refer to me
As brown hilda,
mistress of pain.
Marty crane, the shock jock?
He went after you, you say?
Like clinton
after a loose french fry.
I'm telling you,
it was...
What are all those?
These? Just faxes.
Plain, boring faxes.
Off to the paper shredder
They go.
Oh, no.
Now the guy's idiot fans
are getting into the act?
"Marty crane rules."
"We love marty."
"Spank this."
Amazing. They can't
be bothered to vote
But they've got time
to drop their pants
And sit on a xerox machine.
Morning, all.
What's everyone
looking at?
Oh, isn't that nice?
Somebody sent you
A great big smiley face.
Oh... Oh... My.
Why would somebody
send you that?
They're marty crane fans
Who want to show me
their best side.
I might have known.
I heard his program
one morning.
He was holding a contest
To guess
the first lady's cup size.
He actually referred to them
as the first hooters.
No matter
what we think
His show is syndicated
all over the country
So I don't want you
Getting into
a public feud with him.
Like I'm going
to give this clown
The free publicity
he's begging for.
The only way to handle
guys like crane
Is to ignore them.
Besides, the only people
who listen to his show
Are mindless lemmings
and pubescent boys.
(Humming "the stars
and stripes forever")
What?! What did I do?
You listen
to marty crane.
I don't believe it.
Me? Marty crane?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Oh, yeah. Right.
I forgot you're lead majorette
At this year's
half time super bowl show.
Maybe I do listen
to him occasionally.
I am sorry,
but the guy is interesting.
He says things
other people are afraid to say
And he's funny.
Not that stuff
he said about you though.
That wasn't funny at all.
What did he say?
It was stupid, really.
Well?
What was it?
It was just that...
Well, the only difference
Between murphy brown
and frozen tundra
Is that...
...the tundra
actually gets drilled
Once in a while.
(Laughing)
Miles, you listen to him too?
No. No, not really.
Occasionally.
Not as often as frank.
Liar!
Tundra.
That's totally
uncalled for.
(All laughing)
What's everyone
laughing at?
Did frank just tell
one of my knock-knock jokes?
Yes.
Yes, he did.
See, frank, I told you
A joke doesn't have to be dirty
to be funny.
Now a reminder--
Phil's charity auction
is saturday
And as chairperson,
I need to know
What each of you
are contributing.
An autographed photo
of edward r. Murrow
In a handsome rosewood frame.
The leather jacket I wore
During the scud att*cks
on riyadh.
And I'm already down
for the ice skates I wore
During my interview
with dorothy hamill.
So, who are we forgetting?
Oh, murphy, you forgot.
It's not easy to come up
with the right thing.
Do you think anybody would want
an old cocktail napkin
With ted kennedy's phone number?
Nope. According to this
Phil's already got
about a dozen.
Murphy, if you can't think
of anything to donate
You can donate yourself.
They raffle off
whole days with celebrities.
Just what I want to do--
sell myself
To the highest bidder
in this town.
I'll spend the day on a ladder
Cleaning out orrin hatch's
rain gutters.
That's not
how it works.
The winner would spend
a day with you at fyi
Watching you work.
Somebody who doesn't know
any better
Might find that
very interesting.
"Might"?
I'll have you know
I am fascinating,
provocative
And eminently watchable.
Tv guide,
december , page .
A day with me at fyi--
That is perfect.
I'll throw in dinner.
People would pay
a fortune for that.
Well, she can't do
any worse
Than willard scott's
five-gallon tub
Of head-sweatin' chili.
Excuse me, bartender
could I get
A little i?ce for my drink?
Never mind.
Murphy brown's here.
I'll just scrape some
off her.
Unless I miss my guess
That's the voice
of marty crane.
I could tell because my hand
instinctively reached out
To turn the dial.
Let's not ruin
the moment.
We're both here
to help out a good cause.
I donated an autographed
copy of my cassette
The worst of crane.
I decided against
my first choice--
A pair of edible panties.
They were strawberry
Which has a very unpleasant
chemical aftertaste.
You're quite the humanitarian.
Well, got to go.
Wait. Let me ask you
something seriously.
I'm a media superstar,
I got millions of rabid fans.
When are you going
to interview me?
I tell you what, crane.
I'll think about it...
Right after I get back
from my honeymoon with tom
And roseanne arnold.
And now, a special item
on our program--
A day with murphy brown.
That's right.
You'll spend the day
Following around
this fascinating
Provocative, and eminently
watchable newswoman
After which you'll spend
a scintillating evening
Dining with the lovely
And charming woman
herself
At serafina's.
How can you put a price
on something like that?
We'll start at .
I got .
. Do I hear ?
I got .
This is so fun.
Aren't you excited?
Corky, this isn't about me.
It's about helping
a wonderful charity.
Whoa, I'm up
to four big ones.
I got .
.
Do I hear ?
$ Going once...
Going twice...
.
What?
Phil:
oh, no.
I guess I got bid.
Seven.
Now, wait.
She cannot bid on herself.
Frank, bid seven,
bid seven.
What? I can spend the day
with you for nothing.
I'll pay you back.
Just do it.
Seven.
Seven going once...
. .
Phil:
.
Eight hundred dollars...
And cents.
$ , .
(Crowd murmuring)
I'm out.
Frank!
You still owe me
two bucks from lunch.
I got $ , bid.
Going, going...
Not going! Not going.
Um... Okay, everybody--
Dinner and a movie.
It's tax deductible.
...and gone.
Sold for $ , ...
To the spawn of satan
over there.
Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme.
You've had your joke.
You expect me to believe
you're paying $ , ?
I'm not. My station is.
If you ask me,
they're getting off cheap.
"Marty crane
purchases murphy brown."
You cannot buy
this kind of publicity.
Wait a minute.
I just did.
Mr. Crane,
take it from me.
She isn't worth it.
She can be really cranky
in the morning.
Actually, she can be cranky
all day.
In fact, most days,
I'd spend $ ,
Not to be anywhere near her.
I tell you what,
crane.
Let me buy back
my donation.
I'll throw in
a few thousand extra.
Think of
all the edible underwear
That would buy.
No sale.
I'm looking forward
To spending an entire day
With television's
most respected journalist.
You better wear
something skimpy
So I'll stay awake.
I've always been partial
to tassels.
See you at work, toots.
But I thought
a nice senator
Or an ambassador
would buy you.
It's not my fault
you attract the men you do.
Maybe you should
change your hair.
Okay, that does it.
I'm going home.
This is so typical.
Any little problem
in your life
Becomes a huge one.
You want my advice?
Learn to roll
with the punches.
So you're stuck
with marty crane.
It's only one day.
How bad can it be?
The long wait is over.
Marty crane is
in the building!
Salami!
Salami, baloney!
Jim:
baloney is right!
Shut off those cameras.
Cover yourself.?
Have you no shame?
As a member of the media
You have the chance
to uplift society
But instead,
you drag it down
To its lowest level.
All right, to be fair
Please, explain
your humor to me.
Pee pee--
This is funny to you?
Passing gas--
Of course. Hilarious.
A beauty contest
of buttocks--
My sides are splitting.
I believe I've made my point.
Oh, I like him.
I'm going to put him
on my show.
I want a picture
with my new sl*ve girl.
How about a picture
of you fanning me?
No? All right. Okay.
You get down on
all fours like this
And you'll look up
at me adoringly.
Can you do adoring?
Okay, that's it.
Miles, tell carnac
to get back on his camel.
I can't spend another minute
with this guy.
Fine. Suit yourself.
Who's going to tell
those hospitalized kids
"I'm sorry, timmy.
"We're out of modern
medical equipment.
"We'll use those leeches
Because murphy brown
is a spoilsport"?
What are you, about a b?
Let's not fuel anything.
Think happy thoughts.
Flowers, butterflies
Those little jars
of honey
That look like a bear.
He's nationally syndicated.
Crane.
Okay, I'll do it
But I just want to get
one thing straight.
The deal was for a day
with me and dinner.
No sl*ve girls,
no cameras. Got it?
So you won't wear this?
Look. Tassels.
Marty. Marty.
My man.
Can I call you my man?
Who are you?
I love when you do that.
But seriously, look.
Go easy on murphy
today, okay?
Some of that stuff
you've been saying
Is a little rough.
Not that I'm trying
to be critical.
I love you, man.
I really do.
Are you going to slam me
on your show now?
Why would I slam you?
I still don't know
who you are.
You're k*lling me, man.
Murph, it's
taken care of.
Cleo, nefertiti
That's a wrap.
I will see you
back at the pyramid.
Honey, I'm home.
So, where do we start?
I've got to go
to research.
I'm right behind you.
Checking out some deep
background or something?
You're probably
going to blow
Some story
wide open, right?
Uh-huh.
I really repulse you,
don't i?
You've got it.
You've got your mind
made up about me.
I bet you've never
really listened to show.
No, but then I never
really set my hair on fire
But I'm betting
I wouldn't like that either.
I thought you
journalists
Were supposed
to be objective.
So the show's
a little outrageous.
We still cover serious issues--
deadbeat dads, g*n control.
Last week I debated
the head of the ku klux klan.
I didn't tell him
The nation of islam
kickboxing team was there.
Poor guy wet his sheet.
Ah, you laughed.
I did not.
You laughed
at something
The repulsive
marty crane said.
It was not a laugh.
It was a smirk
that got out of control.
I think there's
some hope for you.
A whole day together.
This could be the start
of a beautiful friendship.
I'm going to editing.
Oh. Okay.
The editing room, huh?
You ever get naked
in there?
Yeah. Too bad for you
it was yesterday.
I'm getting the feeling
You don't want people
to see us together.
Oh. Why is that?
We finished eating
And you still won't let
the waiter take your menu.
Every time somebody walks by,
you dive under the table.
That is the most ridiculous
thing I have ever...
Oops. Dropped my fork.
Are you marty crane?
Yes, I am.
You're a disgusting,
lowlife scum.
They ought to lock you up
Instead of letting you
spread your filth on the radio.
I hope you die.
Thanks for listening.
Oh, miss cousteau,
you can come up now.
Found it.
Did I miss another one
of your adoring fans?
At least this one
didn't spit.
Oh, you love it--
The personal att*cks,
the crude remarks--
You beg for that kind
of attention.
I never beg for attention.
Sex, yes,
but attention, never.
What can I say?
I know I'm a jerk.
I can't believe what
I get away with.
It's fun never having
to censor yourself.
You've got to know?
What I'm talking about.?
I saw your interview
with brando.
Can you honestly tell me
That you weren't dying
to say to him
"Come on, marlon.
"How did you get so fat?
"One minute, you're
this handsome stud.
"The next,
coppolla darkens the set
So you don't s?care the crew."
When did "stella"
turn into "stella d'oro"?
Get off that streetcar
named dessert!
Aha. .
Excuse me?
That is the th time
You laughed today,
not counting the time
I made diet coke
come out of silverberg's nose.
Okay, so you're funny sometimes
But don't you think
it's a little easy
A little cheap?
Cheap? You want to make
that accusation?
A woman who has in her office
squirt g*ns and joy buzzers
A drawer full of rubber vomit.
Going into someone's
rubber vomit drawer--
Now, that is low.
Besides, you're missing
an important distinction.
I am?
The difference between us
Is when I joke around,
it's in private.
You go on the air and appeal
to the very worst in people.
You could say that.
Or you could say
that I'm giving voice
To society's need to explore
and push the boundaries
Of what it considers taboo
And in some small way
helping society
In its ongoing struggle
to define itself.
That is the biggest load of crap
I've ever heard.
That's what I told
the dork at time
Who wrote it about me.
I push the limits,
but you do too
With that in-your-face
reporter stuff that you do.
I push people too far
Because I'm trying
to inform and educate them
About what's going on
in the world.
I'm trying
to make them laugh.
After you're through
with them
They need it.
.
.
Well, I guess it's time
for this lowlife scum
To climb
into his jammies.
I got a big show
to do tomorrow.
Oh. Right. You're going
to slam me, aren't you?
No. Actually,
I'm going to say
That you were
very fun to be with
That you're
an incredibly good sport
And I was totally wrong
about you.
Right. Your radio station
will pay $ ,
So you can tell the world
I'm a good sport.
You could have
kicked me out
When I stepped off
the elevator today.
I wish you had.
That would have given me
some good material.
Anyway,
how could I slam you
When I'm thinking...
Ah. Forget it.
What?
It might be fun
For us to get together
again sometime.
No, no. I heard
Starlight express
is in town next week.
I don't like andrew lloyd webber
When they just stand there
and sing.
Why would I want
To watch them
roller-skate?
Let me finish.
I thought we'd toss marbles
on the stage
And wait
for the pileup.
That is the most
twisted thing I've ever...
I'm beginning to see
your appeal.
The tr*nsv*stite
midget mud wrestler.
She's going to be here to debate
the clinton health plan with me.
But before I do that
Let's, uh...
Let's get serious for a minute.
I know you all want to know
About my big day
with murphy brown.
So, let me say this.
I, uh...
I know I've slammed her before
And I know I said
some pretty rough things before
But martin crane
is not too big to admit
That I was totally wrong
about her.
She is not an ice queen, no.
No. In fact,
the only way to describe her
Is...
Hot and nasty!
Sure, listen, she looks
kind of bony on tv
But up close and personal,
she's got a nice little booty
And she knows how to use it.
And I'm not just saying this
because she digs me.
You should see her
at dinner, man.
She ordered this dessert
with whipped cream, right?
And she's looking
at the whipped cream
And she's looking at me
And I just know
she's putting the two together.
You know what I mean?
I mean,
I wouldn't be surprised
If she's buying cool whip
for a little marty a la mode.
Well, I'm sorry, ma'am. ?
Maybe if you fixed yourself up
Instead of walking
around the house
In slippers and curlers
all day
Your husband wouldn't be
attracted to the farm animals.
Woman:
I don't know what to do anymore.
He won't look at me.
You really think that will help?
If that doesn't work
Try mooing and chewing a lot.
We're going to take
a short break
And we'll be back
with more "barnyard love line."
(Cow mooing
and horse neighing)
Hey, this is
a nice surprise.
I should have known
You would try to pull
something like this.
You lying,
rotten, disgusting...
You're upset.
Was I supposed to call you?
It's what you weren't
supposed to do-- slam .
I didn't slam you.
No? What was that stuff
about whipped cream
And me being "hot and nasty"?
I didn't realize
You were the roses
and chocolate type.
You thought I wanted
million people
To hear you talk about my booty.
We did talk about
getting together again.
Getting together, whipped cream.
You don't see
a leap there?
I was just beginning to think
There was wit and intelligence
behind what you do
But I was wrong.
There is nothing there.
Most women don't tell me that
until we've been naked together.
Every time I insult you,
you agree with me.
It's very annoying.
You're right.
I am annoying,
but I'm not dull.
And I can take a joke.
You can't.
I can take a joke
if it's funny.
But that stuff you said about me
wasn't funny.
It was stupid.
Maybe, but can you
honestly tell me
That if you were
driving along
And you heard me say the same
things about somebody else
Say, diane sawyer
That you wouldn't laugh
so hard
You'd scrape a guardrail?
You really know
how to fight dirty
You know that?
Crane:
hey, diane, babe.
It's marty crane.
I just got your number
from a mutual friend.
I've been watching you
on prime rib live
And something tells me you're
a whipped cream kind of gal.
Ever wrestle in jell-o?
(Murphy laughing)