06x17 - The Anchorman

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Murphy Brown". Aired: November 14, 1988 – May 18, 1998.*
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Murphy Brown is the star reporter of "FYI," a newsmagazine series.
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06x17 - The Anchorman

Post by bunniefuu »

Don't feel too bad,
miles.

Bigger salaries
only mean bigger headaches.

Here, look at these
investment brochures

My accountant sent me.

Frozen yogurt franchises.

Video rental store.

Almost makes me wish
I hadn't done so well

In the stock market
this year.

Where do I donate
to that charity?

Wait a minute.

We have the same accountant.

How come I didn't clean up
in the stock market?

He gave me advice.
I took it.

What did you do?

I ignored him.

If he knows so much,
why is he just an accountant?

So, uh...

What's he telling you
this year?

Small businesses,
you say?

Yes. If it succeeds,
wonderful

If it fails,
it's a tax write-off.

Ah. And what kind
of small business

Were you thinking of?

Well, if you must know,
a piano bar.

A piano bar?

Who's your accountant,
bobby short?

Sid never mentioned
a piano bar to me.

He's feeding you
the hot tips

And leaving me
out in the cold.

You make one little joke
about a guy's hair weave...

You know, murphy,
the bar wasn't sid's idea.

It's just something
I've been toying with.

As a matter of fact, slugger

I'm looking at a place
this evening.

You're welcome to join me
if you'd like.

Wait a minute.

If this is
such a hot investment

Why are you so quick
to let me in on it?

What is your game, jim?

I want you to come tonight
so when you don't invest

I won't have to listen
to you bellyache

About how I froze you out
of a golden opportunity.

You're so sure
I'm not going to invest.

Well, let me tell you
I will gladly invest my money

If I think
it's a smart thing to do.

I'm not as tight with a buck
as everyone thinks I am.

If you'll excuse me.

Business meals...

Can I have a show of hands

Of everyone I took out
to lunch last year?

Well, I thought about it.

That should count
for something.

So, phil,
what's your expert opinion?

Please, I'm still working here.

Come on, phil, we've been here
an hour already.

What is it, thumbs up
or thumbs down?

First, I need your assurance
that buying this place

Won't affect
your undying loyalty to phil's.

Oh, boy, here we go.

It's on the opposite side
of town from you.

We promise we won't
have lunch anywhere else.

Okay, but you should know
going in

That eight out of ten
eating establishments

Fail within the first year.

I'm out. You coming, jim?

Every investment
carries some risk.

Let's hear the man out.

He basically said
you have to be a fool

To go into
the restaurant business.

Or, you know,
be born into it.

Right. Well, there are
a few things

Working in your favor.

There's a movie theater
nearby

So the foot traffic
should be good.

Taking that into account
with the floor plan

The customer capacity

The not-too-unpleasant
slope of the bar

I'd say your chances for success
are... %.

%? That's it?

Okay, maybe

If you put cheese fries
on the menu.

I got to get back to the bar.

If you do decide
to take the plunge

Here's two bits of advice.

Always buy toothpicks
in bulk

And stay away from
the cutesy drink names.

I did it once, and trust me

You can't give away
a bloody mary alice williams.

Thanks, phil.

Well, we can't say
we didn't at least look.

That's right.

Take it all in one last time

So you can be convinced

This is definitely not
the way to go.

You know, slugger..?

Oh, geez, jim!

%, And that's
with cheese fries.

I heard everything.

And you're considering it?

Murphy, you look around,
and you see four bare walls

And a couple of dusty tables.

I look around,
and you know what I see?

I see london.

Sure. Sure, how could I
have missed it?

There's buckingham palace,
and there's picadilly circus.

All right, please,
now, let me explain.

The year was...

And I had just landed
a plum assignment--

London correspondent
to the st. Louis post dispatch.

To this gangly young sprout
from the midwest

It was a dream come true.

A dream, that is,
except for the loneliness.

Then, one night

As I was walking
along the streets

Of that coal-blackened city
thinking of home

I found a new one.

Oh, from the outside,
it wasn't much

Just a pub, but inside-- magic.

Intellectuals rubbed elbows
with stage actors.

Playwrights and journalists
regaled the room

With one devilishly
ribald anecdote after another

And in the corner sat a piano,
where every night

Some roguish fellow
would sit and play

While the whole bar
gathered 'round and sang.

Well, I'm married now,
have many wonderful friends

And yet, I still long
for a place

Where a group of revelers
can crowd around a piano

Beer mugs in hand,
full of song and good cheer

And camaraderie.

This could be that place.

That's a beautiful dream, jim

And I have a dream too.

The dream
not to lose my shirt!

This has "bad idea"
written all over it.

You're entitled
to your opinion

And I'm entitled to mine.

It's my dream,
it's my investment

And, by god, I'm going for it.

Fine, go for it

But you want to make it
a real investment?

Buy the place,
insure the hell out of it

Then pray for a fire.

I'll sign them.

Man, I am going to take
such a bath on my taxes.

Maybe ??next year you should use
jim and murphy's accountant.

I did, and I'm getting
a nice little refund back.

You're getting
a refund back?

I make twice as much
and I've never gotten a refund.

What makes you think you make
twice as much as I do, murphy?

Oh, please.
You ask me to hold your purse

When you got to the rest room,
the purse is open

And you expect me

Not to glance
at your pay stub?

Murphy!

Frank:
geez, miles,
you look as bad as I feel.

What happened?

What happened?

I slammed into a big-rig

On the information superhighway

That's what happened.

My computer crashed.

Even the jaws of life

Couldn't extract my taxes
from the wreckage.

Miles, that's terrible.

Is it true murphy makes
twice as much as I do?

I told you never to let her
hold your purse!

Oh, my god!

I had it planned out
so perfectly.

My taxes were going to slip in
on little cat's feet

Lost in a flood of millions.

Now they'll arrive late

And be pounced on
by i.r.s. Wonks

With nothing better to do
than audit me

For this year's
sadistic fun-fest.

Oh, miles.

It will be months
before you have to file.

Has she always made
twice as much?

I still have to find
an accountant

And all the good ones
are booked.

I'll be stuck
with some little pitcher

Just out of school
who advertises on bus benches.

Call - -i'm-screwed.

Th floor-- men's apparel.
My stop.

Good morning, one and all.

Corky:
well, well, well.

Who sprinkled the happy dust
on your cereal this morning?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Jim, if I didn't know better,
I'd say you were giddy.

Oh, well,
you've found me out.

I am giddy.

Giddy as a school girl.

My bar has only been open
one week

And ladies and gents,
the joint is jumpin'.

So, the place
is doing well, huh?

Good call, murph.

Hey, I'm not too big

To admit that I was wrong
and jim was right.

He made
a shrewd investment--

An investment
I chose to pass up.

You knew something
and didn't tell me

Because you wanted to keep
all the profits for yourself.

How much money
do you need, jim?

How much is enough?

Corky:
stop it, murphy!

All right.

I'm happy for you, jim.

You're all
still planning

To come down
to the anchorman tonight.

Oh, you bet.

Miles, are you coming?

Are you kidding?

This return
is late enough as it is.

Tonight, it's just going
to be me, my taxes

And a nice, big pot of coffee.

What time are we leaving?

Wow!

Jim really went all out.

This place is beautiful.

Yeah, and packed.

This place isn't packed.

Murph, they're three-deep
at the bar.

It took five minutes
to get past

The people
at the door.

Sure, if that's
your definition of "packed."

Hey, hey, hey.
There's jim.

Hey!

Hey, jim! Jim!

What's a guy have to do
to get a drink around here?

The place is so crowded
I was worried

I wouldn't find you.

Sure, if that's your definition
of "crowded."

Welcome
to the anchorman.

A waiter will set you up
with champagne

And a club soda
for you, slugger.

Jim, where's
the ladies room?

In the back
on the right.

Murphy, could you hold
my purse while...

Never mind.
I wouldn't want to come back

And find
my credit cards missing.

Like if I wanted them
I wouldn't have them by now.

Man, talk about jammed.

We'll be lucky
if we can get a table.

Please. This place isn't jammed.

Woodstock--
now that was jammed.

There are so many
single women in this town

And yet the men always seem
to outnumber them in bars.

Well, they sure do here.

Excuse me,
are you frank fontana?

Why, yes. Yes, I am.

Oh, I'm
a really big fan.

Could I get an autograph?

Oh, sure. No problem.

There you go, and, uh...

Hey, thanks for watching.

Thanks.
I'm going to put you

Right between my stone phillips
and my john tesh.

Murphy:
I'm going to barf.

Five minutes and already
some guy's hitting on me.

Excuse me.
I just wanted...

Yeah, yeah.

To tell me how my eyes

Danced in the moonlight.

How great I look in this outfit.

How you have
the perfect hanger for it...

Oh, gosh, no.

I just wanted to ask
if you were murphy brown.

Yeah, that's me.

This is great.

My lover owes me $ .

Pay up, jeffrey.

Here we go.

These are on the house
per mr. Dial's request

And this is from that
gentleman over there.

How about that?

I am telling you...
Another fan.

I'm going to make the anchorman
my regular place.

What?

Oh, boy.

I know
what everyone's thinking

And I think we might be
jumping the g*n.

You're right. You're
absolutely right.

Yeah. This is jim's place
we're talking about.

Murphy, you have just got
to see the ladies room.

Not only is it empty,
but it's spotless.

It's almost as if no one's

Ever used it before.

That's it.

And this place is crawling
with cute guys.

I mean, play
your cards right

And this might be
your lucky night.

I don't think so, corky.

Oh, now. Don't you
sell yourself short.

Lighting like this can just
melt years off your skin.

Do you think jim knows?

He's got to.

Got to what?

Well, not
necessarily.

Look how long
it took us.

And jim's from
another generation.

He still wears hats.

You think he knows?

I don't know.

Know what?!

That this is a gay bar.

That jim is running a gay bar.

A gay bar?

Why on earth would
jim be running a...

Oh, my god!

Jim's gay?!

Corky, jim has been married
to doris for years.

Do you think she knows?

And very nice to see you,
congressman frank.

Well, okay... Barney.

So, is everyone having
a good time?

Oh, yes.
Yeah.

In fact, we're having
a gay old time.

Yep, I'd say everyone here
is having a gay old time.

Wouldn't you say so, jim?

A gay old time.

I hope so.

You know, jim,
I would have to say

That the anchorman
is definitely the kind of place

That you could talk--
I don't know-- man to man.

That's the atmosphere
I was going for.

Uh... You know, jim...

Um, I have been
in a lot of bars in my time

But there's something

A little different
about this one.

Wouldn't you say so, jim?

I was wondering how long
it would take you to notice.

Yes, you found me out.

The entire bar is done up
in the british style.

The french fries
are chips

The bathroom
is the loo...

Jim, everyone here is gay.

Beg pardon?

In this bar,
all the people...

They're gay.

Well, sure, some of them

But I don't see that
that's anybody's business.

Well, actually, jim

It's sort of is
your business.

The anchorman is a gay bar.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Just look around.

Oh...

Oh, my.

Jim, you shouldn't feel...

No, no, no, please.

It doesn't make any difference.

No difference at all.

A customer is a customer.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I'm going to go mingle.

I've got to get some air.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Should one of us
go after him?

No. I think he just needs
some time to let it sink in.

Yeah. He'll be fine.

Look, when you get
right down to it

This is a bar
like any other bar.

Hi. I'm greg.

I see you got my drink.

Oh... Uh, yeah.

Uh, thanks.

Listen, greg,
I think I should tell you

I'm not gay.

Oh.

Oh, well.

Too bad.

Sorry.

Frank, I found
a booth for us.

Nice quiet one in back.

Men!

E.

I can't believe jim
has been gone this long.

I can't believe
they've been playing

"It's raining men"
on the jukebox all night

And jim didn't know

This was a gay bar.

I just had the most
wonderful conversation

With that table
over in the corner.

Do you have any idea

How many of history's great men
were gay?

I didn't.

Aristotle-- gay.

Michelangelo-- gay.

Laurence olivier-- gay

Or straight.

Depends on which biography
you read.

Hello.

Jim.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I took a long walk
to sort things out.

I should never have gotten
involved in this place.

Jim, that's
not like you.

You want out
of the anchorman

Just because
it's a gay bar?

I have no problem
with this being a gay bar.

I just don't want it
to be my gay bar.

I wanted to re-create

Something special to me.

As much as I'm glad
this place is doing well

It's not what I had in mind.

It's not my dream.

But it could be, jim.

h*m* are
fascinating people

With a rich
and interesting history.

Why, did you know

The sacred band of thebes

Was the only all-gay army
in the world

Composed of pairs of lovers?

It's true.

All the same,
I'm calling my accountant

And instructing him

To put the anchorman
up for sale.

Well, if that's
how you feel

That's how you feel.

How much were you
thinking of asking?

Murphy.

I don't know what
I was thinking.

It was foolish of me
to even try

To recapture the past.

It can't be done.

Times have changed.

People have changed.

Oh, well.

You coming, jim?

Oh, sure.

I was just thinking
that this piano

Hasn't even been played.

Indulge me for a moment,
won't you?

(Plays arpeggio)

(Playing "you can't take that
away from me")

♪♪ The way you sip
your tea ♪♪

♪♪ The memory of all that ♪♪

♪♪ No, no ♪♪

♪♪ They can't take that
away from me ♪♪

♪♪ The way your smile
just beams ♪♪

♪♪ The way you sing off-key ♪♪

♪♪ The way you haunt ♪♪

♪♪ My dreams ♪♪

♪♪ No, no ♪♪

♪♪ They can't take that away
from me... ♪♪

Very nice.

♪♪ We may never, never ♪♪

♪♪ Meet again
on the bumpy road ♪♪

♪♪ To love ♪♪

♪♪ So we'll always, always
keep the memory of... ♪♪

♪♪ ...the world has gone mad
today ♪♪

♪♪ And good's bad today ♪♪

♪♪ And black's white today ♪♪

♪♪ And day's night today ♪♪

♪♪ And most guys today ♪♪

♪♪ That women prize today ♪♪

♪♪ Are just silly gigolos ♪♪

♪♪ So though I'm not
a great romancer ♪♪

♪♪ I know that
you're bound to answer ♪♪

♪♪ When I propose ♪♪

♪♪ Anything goes. ♪♪

All:
jim! Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim!
Jim! Jim!

Jim! Jim!
Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim!

Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim!
Jim! Jim!

Jim! Jim!
Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim!

Oh, oh, my.

Isn't that the most
extraordinary thing

You've ever seen?

Maybe the past isn't
so dead after all.

If this is what

That old pub
was like

I see why you missed it.

This is almost exactly what
it was like.

A bunch of fellows
gathering around a piano

Drinking and singing
till the sun came up.

Well, not exactly
this type of fellow.

Back then we had people like
john gielgud, somerset maugham

Composer benjamin britain.

You know, jim.

All those men are gay.

James baldwin,
christopher isherwood.

Both gay.

Noel coward,
tennessee williams

A busboy named quentin crisp.

Gay, gay, gay.

Well, I'll be damned.

I did a better job
re-creating the old place

Than I thought.
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