This thing is amazing.
It's got a stopwatch,
a compass, a calculator
And I haven't even figured
out what this thing does.
Give me some room, jim.
No telling what could
crawl out of here.
Good lord!
What is all this?
You name it-- mail, bills,
half-eaten sandwiches...
I've been so busy I've been
tossing everything in here.
Figured I'd get to it
sooner or later.
"Her majesty queen elizabeth ii
invites you to attend
The royal wedding of
prince charles and lady diana."
Okay, so it was later.
Murphy, I hope you
at least sent a gift.
Oh, yeah. That would have
been money well-spent.
Oh, god! This is avery's
preschool application.
I was sure
I filled this out.
What's today's date?
It's the... Th
And north is... That way.
It's a new watch.
The th?
Oh, god!
It's due today.
Okay, no problem.
I can still fill this out
And get it there?
In plenty of time.
"Attach a photograph
of your child."
I know I got one of those
in here somewhere...
Ah, here it is.
This is from last halloween.
Isn't that adorable?
Look at those ears.
He went as dumbo.
No, he's ross perot.
Can't you see his little chart?
They'll
get a big kick
out of this
Down at ducky
lucky preschool.
Ducky lucky?
Well, I am
impressed.
You know it?
Ducky lucky is one
of the finest preschools
On the eastern seaboard.
Some pretty heavy hitters
came out of old d.l.--
Cabinet members,
congressmen, lawyers...
How do you know
so much about it, miles?
I'm an l.b.p. Man myself.
Little bo-peep.
But the two schools
are affiliated.
It's sort of an ivy league-
seven sisters kind of thing.
I bet those chocolate milk
keg parties are out of control.
Come on, this is
just a preschool, right?
No such thing
as just a preschool.
Getting into
the right preschool
Leads to the right kindergarten
Which leads
to the right grade school
Which leads
to the right prep school
Which ultimately, leads
to the right college-- harvard.
Oh, please. Are you saying
At three years old,
murphy should be worried
About what college
avery gets into?
She should have started
when he was two.
For heaven's sake.
The lad is barely talking
And you've got him crawling out
of his huggies
Straight into a raccoon coat.
When I was his age, I was given
a blunt stick, a ball of twine
And sent outside
to amuse myself.
That was preschool.
That sounds awful, jim.
Not really. I made
a dandy little banjo.
Gee, jim, not that
that doesn't sound
Like an enriching curriculum
But I've got a good feeling
about ducky lucky.
It has an excellent staff,
a nurturing environment?
And the kids
seem to love it.
I'll run this over there.
I'll time you. Go! Oh, damn.
Now go! Damn.
I could write avery
a recommendation.
A letter from
an old bo-peep man
Might go a long way
In impressing
that admissions board.
Thanks, but that
won't be necessary.
But there is one thing
you could do for me.
Call personnel.
Looks like I'll be
needing a new secretary.
Man:
what?!
Um, excuse me.
Is everyone here waiting
to drop off an application?
That's right.
You're murphy brown!
Oh, I watch you
all the time.
People are always
telling me
How much I
look like you.
Yeah. It's like
looking in a mirror.
Um, you know,
it's awfully crowded in here
And I've got a lot of work
back at the office.
Would you drop off
my application with yours?
Thanks.
Boy, you must
Really be confident
Turning it in without even
Seeing the administrator.
You have to see
the administrator
Just to drop off
your application?
He's just the head
of a preschool, right?
He's not the great
and powerful oz.
I suppose you don't have
to see the administrator
But with only ten openings
and applicants
I know I need
every edge I can get.
Did you say ?
Oh, at least.
There have even been rumors
About people sabotaging
other parents' applications.
Can you imagine?
You know, now that
I think about it
I'm really not
all that busy.
It's no trouble at all.
I don't want to impose.
I don't mind.
No. Thanks anyway.
Excuse me.
Is this seat taken?
Oh, no, no.
Go right ahead.
Hi.
I'm bonnie fielder.
This is my husband bob.
I'm murphy brown.
Great. She's famous.
She's in.
Excuse me?
He thinks
Because so many celebrities
and politicians apply
Our little jason might have
a difficult time getting in.
Might as well buy the kid
a mop, a paper hat
And a little
french fry machine.
Bob thinks
we didn't spend
Enough time on
the application form.
Oh, hey,
don't worry about it, bob.
I sort of
dashed mine off myself.
You see? I told you
We didn't need
those consultants.
That seminar on how to prepare
the application was more than enough.
You took a seminar?
Just to help us with
the presentation.
You know, the essays
here and the video biography.
It was our instructor
who suggested
That we put all of
jason's artwork on cd-rom.
Amazing, isn't it
What some people will do
to get their children
Into this preschool?
Am I glad you said that.
I was beginning to think
I was the only sane person here.
No. Those two
should be nervous.
As if a letter from clinton
will get them in.
Who doesn't have
one of those?
You have a letter
from the president?
Better. I've got
one from hillary.
Thank you both
for co?ming.
It's hard to believe
your little two-year-old
Made this model of a dna
strand all by herself.
I'll be sure to drop it off
at the admissions board.
Ah, miss brown.
Here to drop off
your application?
Is that it?
This? No.
My application
is really...big.
I left it in my car.
Outside... At my hou...
I have to go
Because it's so...
I'm talking
to kissinger.
Go get him, tiger.
That's right, henry.
Address it
to the ducky lucky preschool.
I know it would make
a big impression
If you could run it over
in person.
So you're in paris.
You never heard of the concorde?
Hello?
Okay, listen.
You were right
About taking this preschool
stuff more seriously.
I had no idea the competition
would be so tough.
About that u.n. Story--
?frank's source
On his construction
industry piece fell through.
We're going to have
to drop his story
And move yours up
to this week.
Uh-huh. And get this.
One of those kennedys found out
A ducky lucky board member's kid
was having a birthday party
And arranged for arnold
to show up as the terminator.
He actually passed out
little diaper pails
With "hasta la vista, baby,"
on the lid.
I really need
this story, murphy.
Are you listening to me?
Yep. Frank's story
on construction is out.
My piece on the u.n. Is in.
Okay, recommendations... Done.
Awards?
Bobby, find out what a kid
would have to do
To get one of those
congressional medals of honor.
I am not trying
to stand in the way
Of avery's education
But I don't want this
interfering with your work.
It's not as if everything
has ground to a halt.
Slugger, about this letter
you asked me to sign
For avery's preschool.
You know how fond I am
of the little tyke
But I really don't think
"einsteinesque" is a word.
No one's asking you
to think, jim. Just sign it!
Here you go, murph.
Finally, frank.
What kept you so long?
I was only gone
For minutes
and seconds.
Oh, by the way
The relative
humidity is %.
Give me those. It's almost
ducky lucky snack time.
What is all this?
Cookies.
Some mothers have tried
to impress the board members
With that homey, baking thing
And since baking
isn't my forte...
Tell me about it.
You stink.
Hey. Sugar... Detergent.
It was an honest mistake.
Anyway, I figured
I would spread
Some store-bought cookies
on a cookie sheet
Crumble them up a little,
and voila--
Homemade cookies from
the kitchen of murphy brown.
She's scaring me.
Oreos, frank?
You bought oreos?!
Hey, who doesn't love oreos?
They're supposed
to look homemade!
What am I going to do,
say I spent the entire day
Whipping up a batch
of my special creamy frosting
And then stamping the word
"oreo" on every cookie?
If you don't like it
You should have gotten
your own lousy cookies.
Oh, god,
there's not time now.
Maybe I can just scrape
the "oreo" word off the top.
Come on.
Grab a Kn*fe and help me.
Murphy...
Murphy!
Look at yourself!
This isn't you.
You're scraping cookies.
And you're not
even good at it.
This one says "reo,"
that one says "or."
Who the hell
do you think you're fooling?
Miles is right.
This is just like
When miss arizona
Decided to do a scene
from macbeth
For the talent competition.
She had this speech thing
Where all her s's
came out kind of wet.
Sort of like
daffy duck.
Anyway, some people said
"Out, out damn ssschhhpot"
Cost her the crown.
That's an interesting story,
corky.n?
Is it supposed
to mean something?!
.
It means you shouldn't try
to be some?thing you're not
Play to your strengths.
My strengths?
What the hell are my strengths
Sure, I'm smart, witty,
successful, talented
Sophisticated...
Einsteinesque?
Yeah. Thank you, jim.
And I have lots of famous
and fascinating friends
Who can attest to that
But I don't see how that...
Wait a minute.
I have hundreds of famous
and fascinating friends.
I'll give a party
and invite those people
Along with the admissions
board members.
That ought to impress
the pants off ducky lucky.
Great idea, corky. Thanks.
Okay. Now, I'm going
to need invitations.
Something understated.
Maybe with a hologram.
(Doorbell ringing)
Welcome.
Always nice to meet
more? Ducky luckers.
Just go in and hand your coat
To u.n. Secretary general
boutros boutros-ghali.
Or uncle boo boo,
as avery likes to call him.
And there's lots more
famous people inside--
Every one a close friend
or godparent of avery brown.
That's avery brown.
Hey, murph, great party.
Caviar, really nice touch.
Bucks an ounce, frank.
Touch it
a little less.
Okay, okay.
And lay off the cristal.
If you're thirsty,
I stuck a jug of chablis
Under the sink.
Do you think
there's enough food?
Oh, god, we're
running out of ice!
Murph, relax.
You're really uptight
about this thing, aren't you?
I can't help it. It's for avery.
I just wish
I didn't have the feeling
That while he's upstairs
sleeping, his entire future
Hinges on whether
the gravlax is too salty.
Actually, it is a little
on the briny side.
At least that's what
stephanopoulos said.
Excuse me, murphy,
I'd like you to meet
Some of the members
of the admissions board.
This is claudia wallace,
bill cameron, roger knox.
Our host, murphy brown.
Quite a party. You know
so many interesting people.
It's very impressive.
You should see avery
With his fisher-price
chemistry set.
The other day he came this close
To cracking that
whole cold fusion thing.
Yes, well, it's almost
as impressive as the party
The parents of the wexler boy
threw last month.
They must have spent
a fortune renting that yacht.
And the lobster...
Fortunately, I'm not one
of those competitive mothers
Who feels like they have
to outdo other people.
Have you tried the caviar?
$ An ounce.
Have you tried it?
Oh, thanks.
No, I'm stuffed.
Oh, senator boxer,
captain kangaroo.
I'm so glad
you could come.
Are you having a good time?
Oh, a wonderful time.
I was just telling
senator boxer
That some people confuse me
with captain crunch.
And that's ridiculous
Because he doesn't have
white piping on his jacket.
Great, great.
Have you had enough food?
Yes, but I should mention
People are talking
about the gravlax.
It is a little salty.
I'll look into it.
You need a refill?
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
Anything at all?
No, thank you.
Then what are you doing here?
I didn't invite you both
To yak with each other.
Get out there
and mingle.
Go, go, go.
So, you're on
The ducky lucky
admissions board?
It's a good school.
Very good school.
I'm thinking of sending
my child there.
Really? How old
is your little one?
Oh, I don't have
a little one yet.
But you and your wife
are expecting?
No, she's not.
I mean, we're not.
I mean, I don't have a wife.
Oh.
Don't you worry,
mr. Silverberg.
At ducky lucky,
we take pride in the fact
That we accept all kinds
of alternative lifestyles.
I don't have
an alternative lifestyle.
I don't have any lifestyle.
Excuse me, murphy,
but I'd like
To get out of this suit.
It's very uncomfortable.
You don't hear
general schwarzkopf complaining
And I believe
he outranks you,captain.
The problem with health care
in this country
Is that it
isn't universal.
Not enough people
are covered
And it's a problem.
Have you met
murphy's son, avery?
He's really quite
a remarkable child.
Now our second child
was a caesarean.
Boy, what a messy deal
that is.
You ever seen one?
Can't say that I have.
They warn you not to look
if you're at all queasy
But I couldn't
help but peek.
There they were.
My wife's intestines
splayed out on her torso
Like a plate of spaghetti.
Really?
How interesting.
I have some pictures.
No, I'd...
Dear lord!
Murphy.
Oh, hey, there,
little buckaroo.
Whatcha doing
up so late?
Well, I snuck in
to take a peek at him.
He woke up asking
for his kee-kee.
Is that you?
Kee-kee is his blanket.
Yeah, kee-kee.
I'll take you to your kee-kee.
I have to be going.
Well, well,
this must be avery.
Son, I've got
a good feeling
You'll be attending
ducky lucky very soon.
From your lips to
the other board members' ears.
It's the least I can do
after what you did for me.
The valets already had your car.
It wasn't
that much extra trouble
To have them do a wash and wax.
Actually, I was talking about
what you did for me at fyi.
Getting fontana to drop?x
That public housing
construction story?
Not that my company's
done anything wrong.
Let's face it.
We all cut a few corners
here and there, right?
Wait a minute.
I think there's been
some misunderstanding.
Frank's story was dropped
Because his source
refused to talk.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Whatever you say.
See you at orientation.
Hey, there, murphy.
Oh. Hiya, phil.
I figured out a way
To get avery
into that preschool.
You throw
A party,
invite the board of directors
And your big-sh*t friends.
That'll impress them.
I could even cater it.
What do you think?
Hmm... A party, you say?
That's not a bad i...
You found out,
didn't you, phil?
Oh, don't feel too bad, kid.
Half your guests
spent the night here
Guzzling down beer
to wash away the taste
Of that god-awful gravlax.
What's up, murphy?
Murphy:
hi, guys.
@Hey, is that your
answer from ducky lucky?
What's it say?
I don't know.
I haven't opened it.
You're still thinking
About what that guy
from the admissions board said.
Forget about it.
I can't. The guy thinks
I got you to drop a story
Just so I could get
my kid into preschool.
He thinks
I would do something like that.
Please! We know you
better than that.
You wouldn't, would you?
No!
You're talking
about avoiding
Even the appearance
of impropriety.
It was like the time
my car broke down
And that raven-haired
receptionist
From the third floor pulled up
in her flirty little geo
And offered me a lift.
Do I refuse and walk blocks
in a pounding hailstorm
Or invite the wagging tongues
of office gossip and climb in
Next to the young woman
With her full, red lips,
her alabaster skin
And those shapely legs
?
That reached from the gas pedal
all ?the way to heaven and back.
So what did you do], jim?
About what?
Miles:
I know what
you're going through.
I would be
the first to support you
But this is avery's education.
I know.
That's what makes it so hard.
Do you send your kid to
the best school no matter what
Or do the right thing
And send him somewhere
that might not be quite as good?
Who's to say
this is the best school?
Maybe I just got sucked in
to the hype.
So what are you going to do?
I don't know.
Maybe the best education
I can give my kid
Is to be the kind of person
I'd like him to be.
Well... See you guys
back at the office.
Wait a minute.
You're not even
going to open it?
What's the point?
There's no way I'm going
to send him there now
So it really doesn't matter
what it says.
I can't
stand it!
I have to know.
Be my guest.
"Dear ms. Brown:
We regret to inform you..."
(Gasps)
Oh, my god! He didn't get in!
Murphy
what?!
You've got
to be kidding!
I don't believe this!
They'll eat their weight
in caviar, but when it comes
To admitting a boy
of the quality of my son...