Did you guys catch
that game on fox?
People said coverage
wouldn't be as good
But hidden cameras
in the locker room showers
Were a stroke of genius.
What a wacky network.
Wacky? Do you have
any idea
How many stations defected
When that "wacky network"
grabbed football from us?
They left because
the new fall shows stink.
What do you expect from
a network whose slogan is
"Get off our backs.
We're doing the best we can."
It's not about shows.
It's about money.
Our shows are no worse
than anyone else's.
Some of them are quite good.
But then you find one you like
and they cancel it
And replace it with what?
A lame, stand-up comic
on one network
A reality program about angels
and ufos on another
And what's our network's
latest offering?
A drama about an environmental
swat team lead by an orangutan.
I'm going to keep my saturday
nights open for that one.
Now, murphy. Give it a chance.
May I remind you, there was
a show with a pig named arnold
That did very well for himself
on television.
Yeah, but then roseanne
dumped him.
Come, on, murph.
There really are still some
quality shows on television.
Okay. Name three.
Okay. There's letterman
And, um... The one with those
naked, swearing cops...
Is m.a.s.h.
Still on the air?
The glory days are over
And this fall schedule
isn't going to bring them back
And why?
Because it's a crapfest!
This conversation is over.
Jim, about those roses.
Ever clear up
that aphid problem?
I'll say it to the
back of your head.
Crap... Fest.
Crapfest...
Man:
excuse me.
I couldn't help overhearing
your conversation.
I couldn't agree
with you more, miss brown.
I've seen the fall schedule
and I think it stinks too.
This random viewer
agrees with me.
I just have one question:
My editor's a real stickler
for spelling...
Is "crapfest" one word or two?
It's a blurb.
You see, miles?
This wouldn't make
my scrapbook
And I've pasted together
headlines about eddie murphy
And james brown just to se
e my name in print.
Murphy's right. Relax.
Man! What did you do,
leave the hanger in here?
Really, miles.
If something
was going to happen
Don't you think
we would have
heard by now?
You're right.
It's quiet... Too quiet.
The brass upstairs
is never this quiet.
This is like t*rture...
Painful, agonizing t*rture.
A little to the left.
Quit worrying.
I'm the one quoted
and I'm not worried.
They never come after you.
You dump a load of manure
on donna shalala's doorstep
And I wind up
hosing off her sidewalk.
Jim, you always
know what to say
in these situations.
Buck up, man.
'S where I'm going.
Up. That
The brass upstairs
is going to call me up.
I don't know how far up,
but yeah, I'm going up.
So this is fyi.
P.
Miles:
oh, god! I'm not u
He's down!
The head of the network
Never comes down.
Mr. Lansing!
How nice
to have you down.
Did you come down
to bring me up
Or are we
staying down?
Relax. You do
good work down here.
Notwithstanding
the fyi black hole
Where staplers and little
boxes of grape juice
Disappear at twice the rate
of any of my other shows.
Corky, you look
gorgeous as usual.
(Giggles)
You should hear the way
They talk about you
at my barber shop.
It's crude.
But it's their way
of saying they love you.
Oh! Well, that's so sweet.
Tell them I said thank you.
Consider it done.
Jim.
You never age.
How old are you anyway?
Fifty-six.
Funny answer.
Frank!
My danger man.
The way you go,
risk your life to...
That's a nice shirt.
It's custom-made.
I could give you
my tailor's number.
He's got these tiny
little hands...
I was making small talk,
fontana, and I finished.
Murphy.
Good to see you.
Let's talk in your office.
Ah, my o... Oh, you don't
want to talk in there.
I haven't cleaned... Okay.
Miles:
he's not down for me.
He's down for murphy.
You, too, silverberg.
Murphy, you sit there,
I'll sit over here
Silverberg, you hop up on those
cases of grape juice over there.
Before we even start
Let me just tell you
that everything they printed
Was taken completely
out of context.
I'm so glad.
That's what I thought.
So, tell me
Be a good thing?
In what context would
"crapola"
In murphy's defense, she did not
call the fall lineup "crapola."
"
She called it a "crapfest.
You know, silverberg,
you remind me of a young me.
Coming from you...
I hated the young me!
Rightfully so, sir.
I'll just hop back up
on my grape juice.
Murphy
You picked a bad time
to sh**t your mouth off.
We just lost football
and eight affiliates with it.
Who knows how many more
You convinced
to do the same thing.
I am troubled!
I like this chair.
D.
It's like sitting in a big han
You know, stan
, you're right.
I'll try to watch
what I say from now on.
I'm sorry you had
to come down here...
When I say "troubled"
I don't mean a tickle
in my throat.
I mean like that triple bypass
I had last march.
One card from
your whole department.
You see, if these remarks
were made by someone else
Give me a name.
Suzanne pleshette.
Fran drescher.
Who's listening?
But you?
You're murphy brown.
People believe what you say.
No, they don't, not always
Like the time I returned that
rental car and told them
..
That the passenger door
was missing when I got it.
This saturday, we're flying
our affiliates down to epcot
To present them
the fall schedule.
.
I want you to go down there and
explain how you were misquoted
You didn't call it a crapfest.
You called it a sparkling array
of inventive programming.
Stan, I can't...
I can't promote that lineup.
You've got a show
where an orangutan commands
A group of crusading
environmentalists.
M.
Oh, he doesn't command the
He merely advises them.
They don't have
to take his advice
If they don't want to.
Did you say
this saturday?
I am really swamped.
Miles, tell him
how swamped I am.
Ack.
If we lose affiliates,
that means cutbacks
.
And the first place we cut back
is the news division personnel
No, maybe not you.
You've still got
A few good years left
But jim is getting
long in the tooth.
Those are -year-old teeth.
Mr. Lansing, are you
actual considering..?
Look at my back,
silverberg!
It's against the wall.
I'm crazy.
You don't know
what I'll do.
Murphy?
All right, I'll go, I'll go.
But it'll cost you.
I'm taking my son and my nanny
Ar
and the second I get there,
I'm cracking open that honor b
And eating my weight
in macadamia nuts
Even if it makes me sick.
She's a real
spark plug,
silverberg.
I don't know how you
put up with her sometimes.
Sometimes I don't
know myself, sir.
It's your job,
silverberg.
Hi. I'm
corky sherwood
.
Get a load of our spirit.
Hi. Murphy brown.
Get a load
of our spirit.
."
I'm saying "get a
load of our spirit
Get your own slogan.
I'll take
"there's no stoppin' us now."
I'm saying
"there's no stoppin' us now."
Who cares?
Geez, what is it
with you guys?
We all had to give up
our weekends
Because of you and
your big fat mouth.
L
it wasn't our turn to
come down here, murphy.h
It was minutes' turn.
I hate these things.
Hi... Baltimore.
Get a load
of our spirit.
Hi. Murphy brown.
That's it.
Keep it moving.
Hi, guys.
.
Sorry I'm late
Did I miss anything?
Frank. You were playing
golf, weren't you?
L
what? What makes
you think that?h
The scorecard
in your back pocket
And you dropped a divot
Over by the dr. Quinn
ice sculpture.
Fine. Sue me for trying
To jam some fun into
this miserable weekend.
Hey, murphy ruined
my weekend, too, but...
Oh, don't start
with me, okay?
Murphy started this.
What is... What is this?
Our affiliates?
Is this helping us
hang onto
I don't think so.
Come on, miles.
We've done
everything we can.
I'm going back
to the hotel.
There's an ugly rumor
L
the water slide
closes at : .h
Oh, no, you are not.
We've got another hour
before our hosts arrive
To present the fall lineup
Hear
so until you
squeals of delight
Marking the arrival
Of carroll o'connor
and angela lansbury
We still have
A network to save.
(Grumbling)
The very existence of fyi
is at stake here, people.
Portions of the south
have already fallen.
E midwest is teetering
th
on the brink.
This is w*r
And we're fighting it
city by city.
At this very moment
Spokane is in the corner
telling the eastern seaboard
How funny the simpsons
was last night.
Now, what are we going
to do about it... Mister?
Well... There's a guy
I saw over there
Hitting on markie post
While his wife
was in the john.
Maybe I can blackmail him.
Go, go. Make me proud.
You know, I didn't like
the looks of that spokane
when he first traipsed
in here.
I think somebody's
about to receive
A little lecture
on loyalty.
Godspeed.
Y.
Come on, murph
You know what
we have to do.
Okay. You take the fat one,
I'll take the bald one.
You magnificent bastards.
You know, if you don't min
d my saying so, miss brown
You're a lot softer
than andy rooney.
At
you know, burt, as many
times as I get told th
I never get tired
of hearing it.
So you'll be staying
with the network.
Well, I don't know.
About this fall lineup.
I'm still worried
Burt, I just walked
like an egyptian with you.
T.
Don't star
You listen
to me, buster.
The affiliate
network relationship
Is a sacred union
Much like this
great nation of ours.
What would happen if
minnesota woke up one day
And decided it wanted to
be a part of, say, france
And france said,
"sure, come on over.
We've got rich sauces
and the eiffel tower."
Well, it's not
that easy, bub.
All I said was,
"homer makes me laugh."
Shame on you.
Y, can I borrow
he
you for a minute?
Grand rapids is waffling.
He wants to take
a picture with you.
Oh, okay. Excuse me.
Do me a favor.
Could you kiss my head
in this picture?
Okay, that's it.
Miles, my debt is paid.
You kiss his head.
I'm going back to the hotel.
Frank,
what's wrong?
Angela... Carroll...
Not coming.
Frank, what did you do?
I hit angela lansbury
and carroll o'connor
With my golf cart.
(Wheezing)
It was an accident,
I swear!
Oh, god! Oh, god!
Have to...
Tell someone!
How could you do this
to me, frank?
I'm never going
To get out of here!
They shouldn't have
even been there.
I had the right of way.
Besides, I shouldn't
even call it a hit.
It was really a brush
But that angela--
she is such a drama queen.
So where are they now?
Oh, they're fine.
They walked them around
the parking lot a few times
And then they trammed
them over to first aid.
They were in
the parking lot?
So then technically,
they were on the premises.
So then technically,
I'm off the clock.
You know, if I catch
the next monorail
I can still get three runs
down the water slide
Before it closes.
Miles:
ladies and
gentlemen
Your hosts for this evening
Carroll o'connor
and angela lansbury
Will be unable to attend
tonight's ceremony.
(Groaning)
But, in their place
Please help me welcome jim dial
And murphy brown.
(Applause)
Let's hear it
for jim dial
And murphy brown.
I had no choice.
It was you or
chuck norris
And he can k*ll a
man with his feet.
So can i.
It will just take longer.
Not if I help.
Uh... I see here
that carroll and angela
Planned to begin the evening
with a little musical number
But I don't think
jim and I will...
(Piano playing)
♪ Oh, affiliates ♪
♪ How we love ya,
how we love ya ♪
♪ Our dear affiliate ♪
L
murphy!h
♪ The world to... ♪
(Piano stops)
My, that was bracing.
Let's just launch right
in here, shall we?
Um...
Ah! Splendid.
Top ten list.
Those can be amusing.
Murphy?
Thanks, jim.
And now the top ten reasons
Why you should stay
with our network.
"Number ten:"
(Drum roll)
"Affiliate fees
are not scheduled to rise
"Until the third quarter,
and then at a rate
"Which will not exceed
the average
Established in the prior
four quarters."
(Drum roll with cymbal crash)
Well, what do you know?
Looks like it was only
a top one list.
Back to you, jim.
My, that was delightful.
Now it's time
to present
Our fabulous
new fall lineup.
"Carroll o'connor exits."
Oh, that's me.
Murphy, back to you.
Thank you, jim.
"Well, let's kick things off
"With a show all of us here
at the network
"Are most excited about:
the green team--
"A group
of environmental crusaders
"Advised by a crusty
but lovable orangutan.
"And now the dashing young star
of the green team
Jerry mcdonnell."
Oh, geez...
Thanks for joining us, jerry.
"They say that like one
of our former network stars
You can turn the world on
with your smile."
Oh, geez.
Next...
"A hilarious new sitcom
joannie-come-lately...
"About a blue-collar mom
"And her brood
of troublesome children.
"Please welcome the star
of joannie-come-lately
Joannie malone."
(Raspberries)
"If it's hip, urban comedy
you want
"Look no further
than todd's friends
"Starring wry comic
todd meman.
"Todd's friends.
It's a show about... Anything."
(Raspberries)
"And save some room
for family soup.
"Just pour in one irish cop
Spice it up with..."
(Raspberry)
All right, let's face it.
The monkey has a point.
I said it before
and I'll say it again--
This stuff is crap.
I can understand why
Some of you have thought
about jumping ship...
(Raspberry)
Can it, jerry. It's my turn.
Sure, we've lost football
And I know there are a lot
of other networks
To choose from these days,
but trust me--
The grass isn't always greener
over there
Because let's face it--
most of their stuff stinks too.
(Raspberry)
And whose fault is it?
I say it's all of ours.
Because we don't demand
anything better.
As edward r. Murrow
once said about television
This instrument can teach...
(Raspberries)
It can illuminate...
(Raspberry)
Yes, it can even inspire.
(Raspberry)
But it can do so
only to the extent...
(Long raspberry)
Oh, shut up,
you hairy little animal!
Can someone get this monkey
off the stage?
Oh, great.
All:
ohh...
Stan.
Doesn't having a glass desk
bother you?
I mean, who wants to look
at their own legs all the time?
How did you know I was back?
I know everything
that goes on down here.
By the way, tell fontana
To stop adjusting himself
in the elevator
When he thinks he's all alone.
Look, stan, um...
Before you start talking,
let me just say that I tried.
I really did.
It's just that I'm
a very bad liar.
All it would take for me
To get back
in the white house press room
Is to tell clinton
his jogging is paying off
But every time
I look at those thighs
I can't bring myself to do it.
Murphy, you screwed up.
You went down there
In front of god knows
how many affiliates
You dumped on my lineup.
I know, stan, I know.
When you stormed off stage
You shoved todd mehlman--
Star of todd's friends--
into a pile of stacking chairs.
He had a ponytail.
That doesn't make it right.
On the other hand,
you showed me
That I was using
that monkey all wrong.
I had him in a drama.
Who knew he was a comedian?
I'm building a whole night
around him.
What?! You're pandering
To the lowest
common denominator.
That's the point I was
making down there.
Thank god nobody heard it
Because they were so busy
busting a gut
Over the antics
of that clever little monkey.
Great. Why don't you give him
a monkey girlfriend
So you can bring in
more female viewers?
A monkey with
a love interest? That's...
That's not bad.
(Knocking)
Oh, murphy, i...
(Gasps)
(Chokes)
Stan, I'm glad
I could help the network
In its hour of need.
So if there's anything else
you want to say...
There is one more little thing
well, actually,
That I would really
like you to do.
Hello, twin cities.
This is murphy brown
Reminding you to catch
the banana s sad
This fall on channel .
We think you're going
to love it, right, jerry?
(Raspberry)
I can't work like this.