Look out. Make way.
Coming through with
something you'll all want
But you can't have
because it's mine.
Murphy, what is this?
We have work to do.
This is more important, miles.
Okay, everybody,
form a semicircle.
Guess what beloved
american institution
Is under this tarp.
And no,
it's not morey amsterdam.
Give up?
Ta-da!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah!
Oh!
Meaty-boy, fyi.
Fyi, meaty-boy.
Look, he's smiling.
I think he likes you.
What is it?
Come on, miles,
it's meaty-boy.
From meaty-boy burgers.
Ah, very cool, murph.
Oh, murphy.
It used to be just things
that fit into your purse
But swiping meaty-boy?!?
The last meaty-boy restaurant
was being torn down
And I just had to have him.
It came down to
an intense bidding w*r
Between me and jay leno.
I think he wanted him
out of circulation
Because of
the eerie resemblance.
Wait a minute. You actually
paid money for this?
What does it do?
Do?
What does it do?
What does the mona lisa do,
the venus de milo?
It's meaty-boy, miles.
Don't you remember?
No.
Who could forget him?
Back in my cub
reporter days
out on the road
I'd see his belly
beckoning me
From the interstate.
I had to pull over.
Meaty-boy restaurant
was always familiar--
A little touch of home
no matter where I was.
Of course, the food was always
tasteless and laden with grease.
Atrocious, really,
but you knew it would be
And that was a comfort.
You know, meaty-boy gave me
my very first summer job.
They started me on shakes.
A week later,
I moved up to fries.
By the end of the summer
I was the voice
of the drive-thru.
They even entrusted me
With the recipe
for their secret sauce.
Relish and mayonnaise?
Who told you?
Where I grew up, only dweebs
worked at meaty-boy.
Where I come from,
working at meaty-boy
Was cooler than being
on the football team.
Really? Even
with the hairnets?
So, allow me to summarize
the meaty-boy experience--
Inedible food covered
by a lousy secret sauce
Served to you by a dweeb
in a hairnet.
Gee, I can't imagine why
they went out of business.
Meaty-boy wasn't just
a restaurant, miles.
Some of the biggest
moments in my life
Happened at meaty-boy.
First date...
First time somebody tried
to feel me up
In the backseat of a car.
First time I broke a guy's arm
in two places.
Hey, murph...
Remember the song?
♪♪ Turn off that tv ♪♪
♪♪ Put down that cigarette ♪♪
♪♪ Drive on down to meaty-boy ♪♪
♪♪ For the very best food--
you bet! ♪♪
Wait! I know that song.
My uncle the cardiologist
Whistled it as he sucked fat
out of clogged arteries.
You know
what your trouble is, miles?
You're not a fun guy.
You've got no sense
of whimsy.
Hey, I've got whimsy.
Are you forgetting
the "flying toaster"
Screensaver
on my computer?
I stand corrected.
You're a human whoopee cushion.
Come on,
time to see your new digs.
Everybody now...
♪♪ Put two hands
on that burger ♪♪
♪♪ Look out,
it's going to squirt ♪♪
♪♪ Just wipe it off your necktie
and get ready for dessert. ♪♪
Good morning, meaty-boy...
Meaty-boy?
Very good, people. Very good.
Yes, nobody enjoys
a good practical joke
More than murphy brown
And this one's a doozy,
but it's over now.
Where's my meaty-boy?
I don't understand.
Is the little tyke missing?
As if you didn't know.
Where have you got him?
Under a desk or did he
Tiptoe out on
his big, flat feet?
She's right.
Somebody took meaty-boy.
Really? Who'd do that?
Check the gym.
Maybe he's working off
four decades of saturated fat.
Maybe it's like
the incredible journey--
Meaty-boy's trying to find
his way back home.
Who knows? Maybe he got lucky
and found a meaty girl.
All right, fun's over.
From here on in,
it just gets ugly.
Nobody took your statue
Although the way
it's getting under your skin
I wish we had.
If my meaty-boy
Is not returned
by noon today
In pristine condition--
no dings, no dents--
I will have you all k*lled.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
All right, what's going on?
Oh, somebody stole
murphy's stupid meaty-boy
And she thinks we did it.
Like we have time to haul around
pounds of greasy plaster.
Interesting... Pounds.
I don't recall disclosing
How much said aforementioned
meaty-boy weighed
And yet,
plus or minus pounds
You've managed to hit it
right on the head.
How do you explain that,corky?
Oh, come on, murph,
corky didn't steal anything.
Maybe you're right, frank.
Maybe it was you...
Or is there some other reason
your eyebrow is twitching?
My eyebrow is not twitching.
It's practically spelling out
"I did it" in morse code.
Before you accuse me
of taking part
In this senseless
tomfoolery--
My alibi is airtight.
Doris and I scrubbed the mildew
Off the underbelly
of the antique tub
In our guest bathroom.
Then we exchanged
peppermint cream foot rubs
And were dead to the world
by : sharp.
I believe you, jim.
That's far too... Vivid
to be made up on the spot.
And miles.
What?! Hey, I've got
an alibi too.
That's okay.
Your personality
is your alibi.
Frank:
we're all
Off the hook.
Look what just came
over the fax.
It's meaty-boy.
He's blindfolded
and holding a newspaper.
Let me see that.
At least the little
tyke is still alive.
And the dow index
went up points.
I am sorry, but somebody has
too much time on their hands.
Why was I even considering
you amateurs?
Whoever did this is good,
very good, but mark my words
They're
no match for murphy brown.
Ho ho, yeah
I am going to enjoy this.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, hey, jim,
make her stop.
Meaty-boy's kidnappers
sent murphy a tape
And we're listening to it
over and over.
Pay close attention.
Notice the sound
in the background.
If we can identify it, it
just might lead us to meaty-boy.
Murphy, it's meaty-boy.
Why won't you help me?
I'm being held at the mm..!
(Banging and screaming)
(Recording stops)
You hear that, right at the end,
that whoo-whoo?
Sounds like a train.
Whoo-whoo. Yes, you're right.
Unless I miss my guess,
that's the : to baltimore
And wasn't that
the sizzle of
Salisbury steak
served in the dining car?
For heaven's sake,
give it a rest
Will you?
What have you got
for me, phil?
Aw, I'm sorry, kid.
I scoured this whole town,
and I came up empty.
Great. The guy who knows
everything couldn't even...
Wait a minute, phil.
Where were you
when meaty-boy disappeared?
Okay.
You caught me.
I confess.
For long years
I've been scheming
to make meaty-boy mine.
I'm not really phil, you know.
I'm beau de la fontaine,
international art thief.
I run this restaurant
as a front.
I've been slinging hash
Just waiting for my chance,
and then you delivered him
Right to me.
Not phil.
All right.
That leaves me with
firm possibilities.
Is bob dole on there?
Got him.
Barbara walters?
Pat buchanan?
Got a star by his name.
I don't see
dan quayle on here.
I thought about him
But the person who did this
had to be able
To operate a fax machine.
Come on, murph.
Don't you think you're reaching
a little at the end here?
Helen reddy?
What did she do to you?
Nothing that I know of
But I can't afford to leave
any stone unturned
And speaking of stone,
put down oliver, sharon
And sly and
the family.
I'm late for my appointment
at the sound lab.
I'm having the tape
digitally analyzed
By the guys who worked
on the zapruder film.
See you.
Dear lord! She's
a woman possessed.
No one has ever
one-upped her like this.
You've got to hand it to them.
They know exactly
how to get to her.
Whoever did this
was brilliant.
Devilishly clever.
A true mastermind.
(All laughing)
What's the matter, miles?
It was me.
It was me!
What are you talking about?
Brilliant, clever,
a mastermind.
Me, me, me.
I did it!
Oh, miles...
You did not.
Did too!
You big liar, you did not.
I did! I did!
Why won't you believe me?
I've observed your character
for six years
And, how should I put this,
my aunt fanny!
If the prank
involved
A nickel glued
to the sidewalk
I'd say, "that young wag,
silverberg's behind this."
But missing property,
ransom notes
Mysterious faxes...
You were with us
when the fax came in.
How'd you do that,
david copperfield?
I used the timer
on the fax machine.
No biggie.
What about the weird tape?
(Squeaking):
murphy, it's meaty-boy.
Help me.
Why won't you help me..!
...mm..!
Miles, it was you.
Yep, it was me--
Captain no-fun,
the office downer.
Pretty whimsical, huh?
What do you think of me now?
Have you lost your mind?
Have you lost your mind?!
What do you mean?
You said whoever did this was
brilliant, clever, a genius.
That's before we knew
It was you.
Have you any idea what she'll
do to you?
Tip her hat?
Oh.
Oy!
Shake my hand?
Oh.
Oy!
But she said she was having fun.
She's having fun like a cheetah
has fun chasing an antelope
But when the cheetah
sinks its teeth
Into the antelope's neck
The fun is over
for the antelope.
Yeah, with all that biting
and ripping and tearing.
Oh, god.
I poked the cheetah.
Why couldn't I have
just kept my head down
At the watering hole
with the other antelopes?
What do I do now?!
Oh, god!
Oh, god!
Sure.
Now you're calling on god,
When you're about to be
Disemboweled.
Does he hear from you
When it's just a pretty day?
You got meaty-boy
out of there
Without her seeing you.
You sneak in there tonight
and put him back.
If anything goes awry
There's a midnight plane
to buenos aires.
Grab your passport
and a toothbrush.
Good luck, son,
and trust no one.
All right.
I'll do it.
But, at least give me this:
It was a pretty good prank,
right?
The bay of pigs
was a pretty good prank.
This was just stupid.
When she got
meaty-boy back?
She's been locked in there
since we got here.
I'm just glad to have
some peace and quiet
Around here.
Murphy:
marv!
Find out what time barbara bush
is due at her hairdresser's.
How do you think
George will like old babs
as a brassy redhead?
Murphy...
Hasn't anyone returned
meaty-boy yet?
Yeah. Amelia earhart
dropped him off this morning.
That's right. Two dozen roses
To annette bening
in los angeles
And sign the card,
"dear madonna:
Thanks for last night.
Love, warren."
One more down.
What's up, murph?
I'll tell you
what's up, frank.
This has gone from mildly
amusing to intriguing
To really ticking me off.
This calls for a mass as*ault.
?n?
You know, maybe I'm nuts?
But I have a really good feeling
That meaty-boy is going
to be back here very soon.
Really, frank?
"A good feeling."
That's very reassuring.
But it doesn't bring
my meaty-boy back
Does it?!
No.
You should let
this one go.
Innocent people might get hurt.
What can I say?
w*r is hell.
Miss brown... Where
do you want this?
Right there is fine.
I bet heads
wi/ll roll
When donald
and marla wake up
To find themselves
in the luxurious penthouse
Of the "rump" tower.
I don't mean
to be rude
But if you're not
part of the solution
You're part
of the problem.
We'll just be out here
in the...
Miles, where's meaty-boy?
You said you would
Put him back.
I set my alarm for
the middle of the night
So I could sneak him in.
I couldn't sleep
So I had some milk
with brandy in it.
When that
didn't help
I had half a xanax.
My alarm rang for two hours
before the neighbors
Shook me out
of my stupor.
The time
for tact is over.
Go in there now,
admit what you did
And take your
punishment like a man.
But you said I should keep
this secret
Till the day
I die.
Son, that day is at hand.
A woman is in there
orchestrating the demise
Of half of the
western hemisphere.
She must be stopped.
Hey, which one of you guys
gets senator glenn's hat?
Yes, I'll hold.
Oh, excellent.
We have liftoff.
Murphy,
we need to talk.
Miles, I promise I'll get back
to my election story
As soon as I take care
Of a few things.
Just fling open the shower door
Snap the picture
and get the hell out.
Do I have to explain everything?
Murphy,
this has gone too far.
Listen to me.
I took meaty-boy.
Yeah.
That's a good one.
I know what you're doing.
I promise I'll get back
to my story
When my little spree
is finished.
No, really, I have him.
He's in my apartment
right now.
Oh, miles.
Poor, sweet,
deluded miles.
That is so cute.c
But, please.
This is a prank so advanced
So cleverly orchestrated
That even I can't figure out
how it was done.
This is the work of a master.
I'm telling you.
It was me.
(Squeaking:)
murphy, it's meaty-boy.
Help me!
Why won't you help me?
Miles, that is the most
pathetic impression of meaty-boy
I could ever imagine.
(Phone rings)
This might be letterman
looking for paul shaffer.
You don't believe me?
Hello?
It's george will.
Yes. I have your precious
autographed ty cobb mitt
And you'll get it back
Just as soon as
I get my meaty-boy.
Fine. Maybe I'll just go
and get him right now.
Fine. You do that.
Oh, george,
don't pretend
You don't know
what I'm talking about.
And stop crying.
You're only making
things worse.
(Miles muttering)
Well, what...
Nice doorman.
Thanks, george.
A big help.
God! Oh, I hurt myself.
Oh, my god-- the paint!
Get in there, you stupid
Stupid meaty-boy.
Ow! My hand... My hand
♪♪ Put two hands
on that burger ♪♪
♪♪ Look out! It's gonna squirt ♪♪
♪♪ Just wipe it off
your necktie... ♪♪
Miles:
I feel like a complete idiot.
Got a huge blind spot here.
I could get a ticket for this.
Oh, great, great.
There's paint on my dashboard!
?paint on my dashboard!
(Horns honking)
Come on, move, move, move!
I got somewhere to go!
Stupid, stupid, dumb...
Dumb, stupid...
Stupid...
(Thunder rumbling)
A revolving door...
What genius invented these?
God knows how many people
a year
Are k*lled in these things.
We should do an expose.
Oh, wipe that stupid
grin off your face.
Miles:
people in this city
Must be leading
pretty empty lives
If a man driving
in a convertible
With a meaty-boy
Could cause
that much commotion.
But it has all
been worth it
Because today,
I will get something
I have earned
with blood, sweat and tears.
Something I truly deserve.
Murphy's respect.
You've got your
health, your hair
And no nudie
polaroids of you
are floating around.
Which is more than
what half of the people
On murphy's list
can claim.
Jim, I am telling her.
If you had seen the way
she just dismissed me yesterday
With this quick little
flip of her hand
As if she were nefertiti,
queen of the egyptians
And I was just some
insignificant little...
Eunuch?
Actually, I was thinking
more along the lines
Of sl*ve boy.
But if you guys had seen it,
you'd understand.
A man...a man
can only take so much.
Hi, murph.
Well,
what happened?
You look like
a popped balloon.
I'm exhausted.
I was up all night
fielding irate phone calls
From suspects.
That sandra day o'connor
Has a very dirty mouth.
Don't lose hope,
murphy.
You never know what's
around that corner.
I don't know, corky.
What's the point?
Maybe I should just
throw in the towel.
Maybe there's
a new kid in town
Who's got a few moves
I just can't match.
Murphy, murphy,
murphy...
You don't know
how it pains me
To hear you say that.
Why don't we go
into your office
And have a little chat
about it?
Now, it's time
to prove to you
Once and for all that...
Meaty-boy's gone.
I know.
But I can't help thinking
there's something more
I could have done.
Maybe I made a mistake
with rush limbaugh.
I could have splurged
And gone with
the africanized bees.
But, no.
Murphy...
He's really gone!
And peter jennings--
I never did get
A satisfactory answer
out of him.
No! You don't understand.
Someone stole him!
They stole meaty-boy!
He's gone!
He's really gone!
You're right, miles.
Thank you.
Meaty-boy is gone.
He's gone
And I'll just
have to accept that.
I guess it's time
to move on.
Maybe I can find some comfort
in the hope
That whoever has meaty-boy
will love him as much as I do.
Man:
♪♪ turn off that tv ♪♪
♪♪ Put down that cigarette ♪♪
♪♪ Drive on down to meaty-bo
y for the very best food ♪♪
♪♪ You bet! ♪♪
(Humming)
(Slurping)
You bet.