♪♪ Jingle bell ring ♪♪
♪♪ Snowin' and blowin'
up bushels of fun ♪♪
♪♪ Now the partyin'
has just begun ♪♪
♪♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell rock ♪♪
♪♪ Jingle bell chimes
and jingle bells time ♪♪
♪ Dancin' and prancin'
in jingle bell square ♪♪
♪♪ In the frosty air... ♪♪
♪♪ ...and a partridge
in a pear tree! ♪♪
Pick you up at : ,
and we'll do "deck the halls."
Happy holidays, everyone.
Whoa. Did you say
"happy holidays," murph?
Yes, frank. What of it?
We're unaccustomed
to associating you
With good cheer.
Yeah, did you
Get a midnight visit
From the ghost
of christmas future?
No. I'm seeing christmas
through avery's eyes.
We trimmed the tree,
hung the stockings.
Last night peter came over
And we watched the barry manilow
christmas special.
And I think avery's starting
To get a little tired
of old barry
Which means I've gotten
My christmas gift.
Oh, hello.
I'm murphy brown
And you must be
my new secretary.
Merry christmas.
Yes. Well, uh,
here are your messages.
I've reorganized
your "in" basket
According to priority
I've compiled
your daily appointments
On a separate list
for your easy reference
And, if you don't mind
I did confirm
your lunch reservation
Tomorrow at :
with representative johnson.
Well, thank you.
I think this is going
to work out very nicely.
I hope so.
One more thing,
ms. Brown.
(Kissing noises)
Wait a minute.
I recognize you.
Aren't you bob packwood's
Old secretary?
Yeah. How'd you know?
Out.
Good morning, people.
I hope everybody's ready
For the big f.y.i.
Holiday bash tomorrow.
(Everyone groaning)
Hey, now, now, now.
I know we've had
a few duds in the past
But this year's party
is going to be different.
We won't have the same red punch
from the cafeteria
The entertainment
will not be provided
By the singing accountants
from the seventh floor
And I have been assured
That this year's christmas
tree is non-flammable.
Oh, and, miles
I think you should
remind everyone
Stealing office supplies
and wrapping them
Does not constitute an
appropriate secret santa gift.
Oh, like you never use
that stapler, frank?
While we're on the subject,
I haven't figured out
Who my secret santa is
But I'm an autumn, so stay
away from pinks and grays.
Then again, a sony removable
cd player goes with everything.
I'm just putting
that out there.
Murphy, excuse me.
This package
just came for you.
Oh, I hope
it's what I think it is.
Yes!
What have you
got there?
The last of avery's
christmas presents.
Who knew that "it's better
to give than receive" thing
Would be true?
You didn't get
a warm feeling
When you gave me those
gaily wrapped legal pads?
So, what's
avery getting?
Something that's supposed
to provide hours of fun
And enjoyment.
A wood block?
It's not just a wood block.
It's wunderblocken
from sweden.
$ . ?
Oh, I get it.
You "voonder" why
you paid bucks
For a stupid "blocken."
It's supposed to teach a child
Spatial relations, textures...
Okay, it looked a lot better
in the catalog.
Murph, if you want
my two cents
You should get him
a g.i. Joe.
Kids love them.
I remember when
I was growing up
My parents
wouldn't get me one
So I had to draw
a beard and scars
All over
my sister's barbie.
Every time my friends played
"invasion of normandy"
Mine was the only soldier
who kept breaking a heel.
I had a g.i. Joe.
I swallowed his boot
And they had to rush me
to the hospital.
There's nothing wrong
with the old favorites.
I recall one year
My father bought me
a woodburning kit.
It provided me with hours
of joy and amusement.
Ah, the initials I could
have seared into this block.
I had a woodburning kit.
The firemen said
they'd never seen flames
Jump through houses so quickly.
Thanks, but I think
avery will be thrilled
With the gifts
I've already gotten him.
There's only one thing
left to do
And that is a visit to santa,
which will take place
At rybo's department store
this afternoon at : .
They've got a santa
at linwood's
And that's just a few
blocks from your house.
Linwood's? I'm not
going to linwood's.
Why not?
A santa's a santa.
A santa is a santa, frank?
You are so naive.
Do you have any idea
what some stores
Are passing off
as santas today?
Look at this:
Too thin, too short,
too young, and this guy--
Robert bork
had a better beard.
You took pictures of santas?
I want the first santa avery
will remember to be perfect.
I thought about taking
him to see the santa
In the senate commissary
But the place was
teeming with republicans
High-fiving each other
And I figured that was
no place for a child
Which left me with
only one choice.
Look at him, frank--
Real old, real fat,
real beard.
This guy looks pretty good.
He's got rosy cheeks.
Yeah, and that's
real rosy, not blush.
Avery's going
to love him.
Whoa. Who's this guy?
Oh. She's the santa
At the sisterhood
bookstore.
I wanted avery to learn
That there's no job
a woman can't do
But I don't know.
A santa with breasts--
how do you explain that
To a two-year-old?
To the reindeer. Hank you
Thank you.
Free candy canes.
You don't get that
at your linwood's.
You are doing the right
thing with avery.
I was disillusioned early.
Every time I asked my father
For a present
he couldn't afford
He said I wasn't getting it
because I made santa mad.
Then he'd say if I
got him another beer
He'd see what he
could do about it.
You had your own little
miracle on th street
Going there,
didn't you, frank?
Hey, guy, what's your name?
Timmy.
Timmy, huh?
Well, timmy, I bet you
Are going to ask santa
for a g.i. Joe, huh?
No way.
I'm going to ask him
for a power ninja demon
With a detachable ray g*n.
He can blow g.i. Joe's
head right off.
Can not.
Looks like my handpicked
kris kringle
Is running minutes late.
He's probably
in front of the mirror
Making sure his eyes
are a-twinkle
And his belly shakes
like a bowlful of jelly
Because he is
that kind of santa.
He'll be here
in a couple minutes.
Why don't you enjoy
this other stuff--
The decorations,
the trees...
Hey, who is that?
An elf, frank?
Didn't you already date an elf?
She was a gnome
And that was just for
a cookie commercial.
Look, murph, would you
go stand over there?
I don't want her to
think we're married.
Oh, well, it's
about time he...
Wait a minute.
That's not the santa
that was here yesterday.
That's a
different santa.
I am not going to let them
get away with this.
Do you know where
the santa is
That was here yesterday?
I don't know.
I'm blitzen.
They keep me out
of the loop.
I brought my son
specifically
To see the santa who
was here yesterday--
The old, fat, jolly one.
Oh, he had to go in
for an angioplasty.
The guy was
a walking time b*mb.
Chip's filling in today.
Chip?
My kid's first santa,
and his name is chip?
(High-pitched giggle)
And he's supposed
to ho-ho-ho
Not hee-hee-hee.
You need a license
To get a dog,
but you can waltz in
With a pillow
Over your stomach
and, bingo...
Will you cut that out?
This is santa's village,
not club med.
Come on. If we hurry,
we can still get
To hecht's department store
for my first runner-up.
Come on, avery, honey.
Santa! Santa! Santa!
Santa! Santa!
Oh, great.
Chip it is.
Oh, look, avery
Santa's been on a health
and fitness program
That's taken years off him.
Isn't that great?
You want a picture
of him with santa?
Yeah, I sure do.
Can you back up?
You're in my light.
So, like, what do you
want for christmas, man?
A coloring book...
Yeah.
Do I know my kid,
or what?
A bear.
Bear.
A truck.
I got it last month.
Power ninja demon.
Cool.
Wh-what did he say?
Power ninja demon.
Power ninja demon?
What's that, frank?
Well, what's the
big deal, murph?
Well, it's not
on my list.
I-i'm sure he's confused.
I think he meant to say
der wunderblocken.
Don't you think that's
what he meant to say?
Sounded like
power ninja demon to me.
Okay. A power ninja demon.
Where do I go to get one?
Go down aisle four,
take a left
Keep walking
till you hit taiwan.
They've been sold out
of those things since august.
(High-pitched chuckle)
♪♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪♪
♪♪ Fa la la la la
la la la la ♪♪
♪♪ 'Tis the season
to be jolly... ♪♪
Well, miles seems to have worked
his magic again this year.
Ah, who cares?
Corky, it's christmas--
Your favorite time
of year.
Things can't be that bad.
Oh, yeah?
Half my christmas
cards came back for
insufficient postage
And the airline I was
supposed to fly home on
Went bankrupt,
so I'm going to be
Spending this christmas
alone in my condo.
Red punch?
Murphy,
where have you been?
You've missed
half the party.
I've already given away
my secret santa gift.
I gave doug the cameraman
An air ionizer.
Boy, was he surprised.
I spent ten hours going
from store to store
Looking for a
power ninja demon.
And you know
what kills me?
You just know michael
jackson has of them
Set up in battle scenes
around his living room.
I know. I had to order
The one I got for
my nephew months ago.
What?
You've got one?
I've been looking all over town
And you've been
holding out on me?
I think there's
far too much emphasis
Placed on those high-priced
toys today anyway.
Why, in my day,
we had chalk and a slate.
There's your video game.
There's got to be
something I can do
Some store I could check.
I'd even take the unpopular
orange ninja demon, earl
Whose catchphrase is,
"hey, fella, stop hitting me."
Hope we're not working you
too hard there, phil.
Oh, are you kidding?
This is nothing.
Now, the james carville/
mary matalin party--
There was a fiasco.
The democratic santa
giving way too many gifts
The republican santa
not giving away enough.
It was chaos.
And if that's not enough,
they tried to give me a copy
Of their damn
book as a tip.
But as bad as that is
You have somehow
managed to top it.
Red punch again, miles?
Hey, lansing slashed
the party budget
And, hey, this punch is
strawberry, not cranberry.
There's a huge difference, phil.
Hi. This is murphy brown
from f.y.i.
We're doing a story
on your power ninja demon doll
And we need an actual doll
to use in our segment.
What? You gave the last one away
to jane pauley?
You think she actually
wants it for a story?
She's just going
to give it to her kid.
You fell for the oldest
trick in... Hello?
Wait, no. I'll even take
the orange one, earl. Damn.
What have we here?
This one has
my name on it.
Isn't this
the perfect capper?
You get some
really nice gift
And I get a crummy
old envelope.
Well, I'm sure this
is nothing really...
Ah! It's a plaque.
"We don't swim in your toilet.
Please don't pee in our pool."
This is delightful.
I'm sure
if I had a pool
I would display
this prominently.
(Gasping)
Oh, my god!
It's a plane ticket
to new orleans
From jeannie in travel
With an upgrade
to clipper class
And two free beverage coupons.
Jeannie! Where are you,
you angel?!
Gee, looks like all the gifts
have been given out.
Maybe my secret santa
forgot me.
Oh, right.
Here, miles.
Happy holidays.
Murph, I found out
there is a delivery
Of power ninja demons
Arriving at brennerman's
toy store later tonight.
Well, what are we
waiting for, frank?
Let's go.
Oh, come on.
I just got here.
So, is everybody
ready to rock?
♪♪ Rock 'n' roll
king wenceslas ♪♪
♪♪ Check out
that hep cat steven... ♪♪
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Coming through.
Watch your backs.
Phoned in an order.
I've got a reservation.
Move it over. Sorry.
Excuse me, sir.
Just let me cut right in here.
I understand you
got a shipment
Of power ninja demon toys in,
and I need one.
What do you think
we're all here for?
Yeah, but my kid really,
really wants one.
Back of the line,
please.
Oh, no,
that's not fair
Because unlike these
people who procrastinated
I just found out about
this ninja thing recently.
You heard her.
Back of the line.
Oh, man, I had
to park a mile away.
Look at all
these people.
You don't suppose
they're all here
For the power
ninja demon, do you?
No, frank
They're participating
in that charity event--
Hands across the toy store.
Of course that's
why they're here.
I almost forgot
how much fun it is
To help you with things.
I want to check out
the store.
That's a good idea.
Sometimes a piece
of merchandise
Will get hidden
under something else
So someone can
come back later
And pick it up
when it's on sale.
Not that I have
ever done that.
May I have your attention?
I've got some good news
and some bad news.
The good news is,
the delivery man is on his way.
The bad news is,
he only has dolls.
So the rest of you
Are just wasting your time.
Thank you for shopping
at brennerman's toys.
You know, we did
a story on these toys
A couple of weeks ago
And it turns out that
they're chock-full of lead.
They couldn't have
more lead in them.
They're just little
bundles of poison
Is what they are.
Hey, murph, this time
I hit the jackpot.
It's a little bit different
But I think he's going
to like it even more
Than a power ninja demon.
This better be good.
Oh, it is.
Get ready, because you are
about to get a visit from...
Mr. Big thumb!
Oh... Yeah.
These things,
they are hours of fun.
You can pretend
you're hitchhiking.
Vroom! Vroom!
Or you can pretend
you can hit it with a hammer.
Ow! Oh! Oh! Oh!
He is really big.
He's not a finger...
I'll go put this back.
Um, attention, everyone.
I just noticed
That the maximum occupancy
of this room is people.
Now, there are
a lot more of you
In here than that.
If you would
just file out in
an orderly fashion
The front of
the line first.
I'm not kidding, people.
We have a situation
on our hands here.
Hey, murph, murph...
What is it
this time, frank?
Video games.
Video games?
Avery doesn't play
video games.
These are for me.
I've been searching for them
For weeks.
Can't you be happy for me
For just one second?
Oh, forget it, frank.
It's just as well.
Look at me.
What am I teaching avery?
That you can't have
a good christmas
Unless you've got
the right gift?
Come on, let's
get out of here.
It's him,
the delivery man!
There we go.
I knew it.
You find the right bulb,
the whole thing lights up.
Yeah, whatever.
Hey, where's
your holiday spirit?
At brennerman's toy store
Along with three buttons
and a fistful of my hair.
You're lucky.
You know,
when eldin was little
Me and the other mothers
got into a kick fight
Over the last ed "kookie" burns
grooming kit at kresge's.
I had blurred vision for a week.
It's just that
it's his first santa
And his first santa
is going to disappoint him.
He'll find out soon enough
That he can't get a lot
of what he wants in life.
I was hoping
to keep that from him
At least until he got
his second set of teeth.
Don't be so hard
on yourself.
You did your best.
Besides, avery's
getting something
Much better than
a power ninja demon.
What did you get him?
I'll buy it off you.
I'm talking about a mother
Who loves him enough
to fight it out in a toy store
Just to make his christmas
a little bit better.
If you ask me
That's the best present
avery could ever have.
Santa! Santa!
Santa! Santa! Santa!
Avery,
merry christmas!
Guess what, sweetie.
Santa came
And he brought
a bunch of presents.
Here's one.
Your name is on it.
Avery, remember,
sweetie
Half of the joy
of christmas
Is unwrapping
your presents
Not necessarily
what's in them.
Look!
It's the mr. Doodles
coloring book.
Yes. You pointed
to it in the catalog
Remember?
Not ninja demon.
Oh. Well, sweetie,
santa claus has
What's called a back order
Which means you'll
get your ninja demon
In two or three weeks
Provided that the elf
with the bad attitude
Took mommy's order correctly.
Oh, look, avery--
I think santa
hid a present
Right there for you.
Power ninja demon!
You had me sit through
that whole speech
About the best gift
avery could ever have
And you had this the whole time?
I wish I could claim the credit,
but it wasn't me.
Look it.
Oh, avery
It's ninja demon.
"Heard these
are big in the states.
"Here in spain,
they can't give them away.
"Thought the little guy
might like one.
Love, eldin."
Wow. He really seems to love it.
♪♪ Na na na na na na ♪♪
'Twas the night before christmas
When all through the house
Not a democrat was stirring
Not even to grouse.
Their suitcases packed
in a mood of despair
Knowing newt and his cronies
soon would be there.
Health care and head start
were all put to bed
While visions of school prayers
danced in their heads.
Out rostie, out foley
Out richards and cuomo
Now back in the closets
You soldiers who are,
well, you know.
From the top of the hill,
they shout, "we'll not fail
To take back the white house
with sonny bono and quayle."