Murph, thanks again.
I don't know what
I would have done
If you hadn't
picked me up
At my mechanic's
this morning.
I guess you could
have taken the bus
Which gets off right
in front of the garage
Or hopped on the metro
Which stops
a couple blocks away
Jumped in one
of the , taxis
That go by that place
every five minutes.
Hey, you could
have just said no.
Well, I thought
it was implied
By the way
I was banging the receiver
Against my nightstand.
Okay, nobody panic.
We'll all get through this.
What happened? Forget to tape
melrose place again?
Mr. Lansing is in the hospital.
He had a heart att*ck.
Is he okay?
It's touch-and-go.
We better get over
to sisters of mercy.
Just let me
dump my stuff.
I did it, frank.
What are you
talking about?
I did it.
I gave mr. Lansing
a heart att*ck.
Oh, come on.
The guy doesn't do
any exercise.
He eats cheese
out of a squirt bottle.
He was screaming at me
over his car phone
When I heard him yell,
"it's not my time!"
And then silence.
If he dies, I'm dead.
Miles, no one's dying.
Stan will pull through.
But what if he doesn't?
Then we'll all be sad.
But someone new
will come in--
Someone who'll see that...
That I haven't won
a humboldt in four years
And I'm pounds heavier
than when we started this job.
If he dies, I'm dead!
Murph, come on, let's go.
Murphy:
sorry. My fault.
If I were lying
on a gurney
In the middle of a hallway
I'd sure as hell
check
To make sure
my wheels were locked.
Hey, guys,
wait for me.
Where have you been?
You were just going
to the men's room.
Oh, I was just...
What's that?
What? Oh, nothing.
He got stan
some chocolates.
Get it from him.
Let go!
It's mine.
I bought it,
and I need it
more than you.
This is just great.
We can't go in there
empty-handed.
We're not going in
empty-handed.
Sure, maybe we're not
sucking up to stan
By forking out some
stupid last-minute gift.
What we're bringing
is the greatest gift of all--
The gift of love.
That's what really
matters to stan.
Do you know which room
mr. Lansing is in?
I've got flowers
from mike wallace.
I-i'll take care of those.
Okay, I'm covered.
Stan?
It's murphy.
I brought you flowers.
Mike wallace was going
to pitch in for them
But you know old mike.
He's pretty tight with a buck.
I came too,
mr. Lansing.
Miles silverberg.
I bought you some...
We brought you
some chocolates.
Chocolates?
Yes, sir.
And these are belgian.
I picked them out myself
Because I know
how much you like them.
You brought chocolate?
They hand-dip
Every one of them...
You brought chocolates
To a man who just
had a heart att*ck?!
Are you trying to k*ll me?!
Get rid of those things.
He brings chocolate.
Is he crazy?
What did you throw
them away for, fontana?
They're perfectly
good chocolates.
Put them over here where
they can reach them.
Sitting up and screaming
till your veins throb
Can't be a good thing
for a heart patient.
Relax. I'm not having
a heart att*ck.
What?
What?
I came in here to have a little
nip and tuck done on my eyes.
What do you think?
It looks great, sir.
Quite an improvement.
I haven't had it done yet
You idiot!
Pass me a chocolate.
See if you can find
the nougat.
Stan, you faked
a heart att*ck?
I had no choice.
You know those cutthroats
at the other networks.
They catch wind that I'm here
for elective surgery
And, boom,
suddenly home improvement
Is double-pumped against us
all over the schedule.
But there is an unwritten law
That says you don't
counter-program against a man
Who could croak at any moment.
Why do you have to touch
every chocolate, frank?
Every single one.
I'm sorry, sir.
They all look alike.
There's a chart!
There's a chart!
It says "nougat..."
Woman:
mr. Lansing!
Is everything okay in here?
Yes.
Okay, well, you just yell
if you need anything.
They make a whole thing
to tell you a nougat...
Forget it.
I'm afraid where
your hands once were.
Don't touch anything.
Where was i?
You were yelling at
frank and then miles
Then frank again.
You were saying how
glad you were we came.
Exactly.
I'm glad you came
Because aside from lying here
motionless
While a parade of visiting cbs
celebrities came through here
Sucking up to me
I've had nothing to do
but watch television
And that led me
to a great epiphany.
You know what epiphany means,
poindexter?
Uh, yes, sir.
It's a moment
of enlightenment...
No.
It's a moment of enlightenment
Where you
see everything
With laser-like
clarity.
You want to know
what my epiphany was?
Everything on tv--
it's all crap.
I told you the same thing
a few months ago
And you almost
had me fired.
What can I say, murphy?
You're like
the oracle at delphi.
Well, I find your
honesty refreshing
Mr. Lansing.
It takes an
awfully big man
To admit what
you just admitted.
I had to admit it.
What was I thinking
when I put on those shows
Bones mcgee, m.d.
And swinging seniors
And that's my grandpa?
I've got to admit.
Those were some
pretty dumb shows.
Miles:
the dumbest.
I loved those shows!
But nobody
Who still has
their prostate does.
That's why we have to get
the young viewers-- kids.
So, starting today
I'm giving every one
of my shows a choice.
Either bring in
a young fresh face or a dog.
Like that dog on frasier.
That's a cute dog.
He jumps straight up
in the air. Woof!
Mr. Lansing
As executive producer
of fyi
I have to ask you
to reconsider.
Is this
the best time
To be making such
a major policy decision?
I hadn't taken
into consideration
That I am in the process
Of undergoing a very
invasive surgical procedure.
Thank you, sir.
But I created
The whole ' -' season
While hooked up to an iron lung.
Are you suddenly
my medical advisor?!
Shut up!
See, he made me crazy.
'Cause he made me crazy,
you don't get a choice.
I'll pick it-- mcgovern.
Who?
Who?
Former mtv v-jay
And news personality mcgovern
Is joining you at fyi.
What kind of monsters
are you people?!
This man's just
had a heart att*ck.
Would you like me
to get them out
of your room?
Yes, please, jane.
Come on.
Show is over.
Seymour,
if you ever want
To practice
medicine again...
Now, let's see.
Where did we leave off?
I believe it was chapter three
of treasure island.
Ah.
"About noon, I stopped
at the captain's door
"With some cooling drinks
and medicines...
"He was lying very much
as we had left him
"Only a little higher
And he seemed
both weak and excited..."
Nothing beats
the classics.
Les, this young woman
wants to see you.
Well, you
must be mcgovern.
Welcome to phil's.
Nice place.
Hopefully you'll be
seeing a lot more of it.
Phil's is the
official watering hole...
I was being ironic.
This place is a pit.
Hey, listen,
if you think
I wouldn't throw
you out of here
Just because
you're a woman
You should
go have a chat
with bella abzug.
All she did was
look at me funny.
Nice guy.
All:
yeah.
That was me being ironic again.
This just isn't going
to work out, is it?
Did he make
a face at you?
Frank, I
swear to god...
He didn't have to.
None of you had to.
You don't want me here.
And why should you?
Maybe it's because
my audience spends $ . Billion
On hair care products every year
While your audience,
unfortunately, can't shampoo
Without a nurse's aide.
Our audience is
old but feisty.
It doesn't matter.
My network negotiations
have deteriorated.
Really? Aw, that's too bad.
I say, "no, I do not want
to do the show."
They throw money.
I say, "no" again.
They throw more money.
I'm sure it's nothing
they haven't done to you.
Oh, yeah.
Just forget about all this.
What can we tell you
about our show?
Start anywhere.
I don't think I've actually
sat through an entire fiy.
It's fyi.
Huh?
It's fyi.
Fiy would spell
"for information your."
Ah.
And that would be wrong.
Miles:
fiy.
Fyi.what's
the difference?
I'll tell you
the difference--
Years of blood,
sweat and tears building fyi
Into a household name.
That's the difference.
Oh, sure,
we don't have go-go dancers
And psychedelic lighting
Yet, somehow we manage
to put on a damn fine show.
So I've been told.
I don't get how I fit in.
Frank, help me.
Why should I do this?
Well, to tell you
the truth, i, um...
We're on every week.
Yes! That's right,
frank, yes.
We're on every week,
and we win our time slot.
Yes, siree, this is one heck
of a popular show.
If the show's so popular, why is
the network desperate to get me?
We don't know, so why don't you
take your big slurp...
...and come on aboard
Because who's to say the best
magazine show on television
Doesn't have room to get better?
I have to admit.
I did see one show last year.
It blew except
for one segment
murphy did
On the elections
in south africa.
It was amazing.
That's the kind
of journalism I
would k*ll to do.
Hi. Murphy brown.
It's a pleasure.
Hey. Mcgovern.
Mcgovern was
telling us
She loved your segment
on south africa.
Yeah, how the rest blew.
How phil's was a pit.
And she got the name
Of the
show wrong.
Mmm, so you liked
my segment, huh?
Yeah, it was
A perfect example
of what you said
a couple years ago:
"The true goal
of any journalist
Should be to inform
the uninformed."
Harper's,april ' .
You guys should
look at that.
I've got copies
in my office.
You read it, did you?
It's the reason I'm
doing what I'm doing.
When I got
out of harvard...
Harvard,you say.
Yeah. I asked myself
"What is the
best way to reach
people my age?"
I could stand in
front of the gap
with a bullhorn
But that seemed
messy, so mtv
seemed logical.
Murphy said mtv
Is where she would go
if she were starting today.
She never said that.
Yes, she did.
No, she didn't.
I was telling
barbara walters...
Barbara walters?
Yeah, she and hugh downs
Tried to woo me
over to / .
Ugh, hugh downs thought
I'd be interested
In hearing about some
boring bridge club
He belongs to.
My wife and I belong to
that boring bridge club.
We started that
boring bridge club.
Then you better talk
to hugh 'cause he's
Out there taking
all the credit.
Let me tell you,
mcgovern
You don't want
to go on / .
I'm leaning towards
primetime live.
Diane sawyer
and donaldson
Were pretty persuasive
over dinner.
If old sam donaldson sees
you've got a free moment
He forces you to help him
Write dirty limericks
about ted koppel.
Do you want that?
Mcgovern was telling us
How much money
the network is throwing at her.
If she takes the job
She might be
the highest-paid person on fyi.
Yeah, so I'll
renegotiate.
Come see that office.
Cool.
So, you read the
interview, did you?
You know,
there was a better one
In atlantic monthly
a couple months later.
The picture wasn't great
But the interview
was much better...
You'll see the gash
my heel made
After I was ejected
from president reagan's
Very first "star wars"
press conference
In may of .
Wow. I love history.
Yeah. Me too.
My first presidential
press conference.
Thanks for letting me
tag along.
I have a list
of questions.
Is there some order I'm
supposed to be going in?
You're part
of the fyi team now.
Don't let the white house
pomp and circumstance throw you.
These things are all the same.
The last press
conference I covered
A green-haired guy
with six navel rings
Set his guitar and
three roadies on fire.
Yeah.
That happened here once.
Hey, looks like
There's a couple seats
over there.
What? And sit behind
brit hume?
The president
would never see us.
Brit's got a head
the size of a gourd.
How about over there?
You are so young.
Trust me. The place
you don't want to be
Is between cokie roberts
and an aisle.
The woman's got a bladder
the size of a thimble.
I think we want to be...
Ah! Right there.
I get it. Close enough
to the president
But not too far
from the exit.
Actually, helen thomas
throws a hissy fit
If you take her seat.
She just got up.
If we hurry, we can knock
her notes on the floor.
President clinton:
I've got about five minutes.
Yes?
Could you tell me how you feel
About efforts to repeal
the capital gains tax?
What kind of lame-o
question is that?
Why don't you just ask him
How he feels
about french fries?
You said that out loud.
Someone lobs a softball
question like that
It's our obligation
as journalists
To mock and humiliate him.
(Reporters shouting)
Yes?
How do you feel
About the civil w*r
in chechnya?
Well, duh.
I'm going out
on a limb here
But you think
he's against it?
You're getting this.
President clinton:
next question.
(Reporters shouting)
Okay. Murphy.
Yes. Regarding
whitewater--
There's no proof
federal laws were violated.
How do you feel
about the republicans' thr*at
To further investigate?
Uh, I think this...
Why not just ask him
If he could be any animal,
what animal would he be?
(Laughter)
We've all had a good laugh,
but now it's done.
So, mr. President?
I, uh...
Really, murphy.
No offense, but talk about
your softball questions.
Excuse me?
All that will...
Putting murphy's famous
liberal bias aside
The question
we should be asking is
How do you account
for the whitewater files
That "mysteriously" disappeared
from the rose law firm?
I still have not heard
a satisfactory answer.
Have any of you guys?
Murphy:
first of all
I'm not sure I agree
And second of all,
shut up! And sit down!
No way. I will not shut up
and sit down.
Maybe you should shut up
and sit down.
Whoops!
Hey!
You're all for freedom of speech
unless that speech is
God forbid,
the slightest bit conservative.
What?!
Why not pull
your bra out of the fire
And step into the ' s, murph?
All right, that's it.
(Mcgovern screams)
(Murphy yelling):
you right-wing witch!
Hey, mcgovern.
Your first presidential
press conference.
What was it like?
Oh, you know.
You ask a question.
You throw a couple punches
Four or five secret servicemen
grab you.
They shove you
in a holding cell.
That's that ironic thing
again, right?
(Elevator bell dings)
Well, that
was very mature.
I don't kn what
you're talking about.
I suppose my shoe hurled
itself down the trash chute.
That was stephanopoulos.
I don't know why.
You only threw
a chair at him.
All I know is
it took me two years
To claw my way back
in the white house
And if you think
you're not going to pay
For getting me
kicked out again...
What?! Kicked out?
What's this?
That's right.
I got kicked out.
We both did.
You know why?
I'm not sure. Do i?
Because this right-wing
rock-and-roll twit
Couldn't keep
her mouth shut.
So we got banned
forever
From the clinton
white house.
So that's like what?
Two years, tops?
Hey, mcgovern, listen.
We were talking
And we realized
we've been unsupportive
So we wanted
to say we're sorry.
Yes, we've acted
unprofessionally
And we hope
you can forgive us.
Yeah, and if there's
anything we can do
To make things easier
for you, just holler.
I don't know how
and I don't know when
But I am going
to see you fry!
Hello,fyi.
Miles:
mr. Lansing!
What are you doing here?
Not that you shouldn't be.
We love having you,
but what did you hear?
I am very disappointed,
silverberg.
It's not my fault.
Murphy and mcgovern
started a fight.
I walk in here,
and you don't compliment me
On my remarkable surgery.
Oh. Oh! Your eyes.
Bu-bu-bu-bu-bu!
I mean, your heart.
It looks... Years younger?
Thank you, silverberg.
I'm just happy
to be alive.
Stan, I just want
you to know
My first day here
really bit
But I'm not giving up.
I'm going to stay
and do the best damn job
This place has ever seen.
That's the spirit.
Nice kid.
Is she the one
that waters the plants?
Stan, that's mcgovern,
and I have to tell you
I think she's completely
wrong for the show.
Who the hell's
mcgovern?
Fyi's newest anchor.
Remember the directive
you issued?
The directive I issued
when I was in the hospital.
That's right, sir.
Whew! For a moment there,
I thought... You know.
The directive I issued
While I was drugged up
on demerol
How could you have listened
to me, silverberg?
How could you let me
do that?
And get this, stan.
She's a former mtv v-jay.
What?!
Are you saying
that I added
That freaky,
one-name rock chick
To my precious little fyi?
That has got to be
without a doubt
The most...
Not bad. Not bad.
That's a good idea
I had.
No, stan.
You don't understand.
She's got no background,
no experience.
Bu-bu-bu!
It's a done deal.
You'll learn to love her.
She can be
that little sister
That you never had.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go rest.
Doctor's orders.
One thing bothers me,
silverberg.
If I did this to fyi
What did I do
to my other shows?
...commissioner indicating
The strike may not only affect
the ' season
But the ' season as well.
And now
with a special commentary
Here's new
cbs sports correspondent
Sparky.