And that'll be
a hundred dollars.
Thank you.
Hey, guys.
Dear lord.
Got to go.
Frank, move it!
The winthrop museum is having
its annual monte carlo night
This saturday, so how many
tickets can I put you down for?
Uh...
Um...
This stinks.
You join the museum's
fund-raising committee
To get a couple of bucks
off the admission
And we get hit up for cash
every time we turn around.
They don't give me
a couple of bucks off.
They let me in for free.
But listen, if you guys
don't think it's important
For some inner-city kids to have
access to art programs...
Oh, all right.
Fine. Put me down.
I guess I'm in too.
Great. So all I have
to do now is ask corky
And I will be...
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
I said, "I'm in"
Which, since corky
and I are married
Means "we're in."
You... Do remember
we're married, don't you?
Oh, yeah. Right.
(Sighs)
What's that mean?
That it doesn't seem like corky
and I are really married?
Well, i... No. Whatever.
So that's two tickets then,
not one.
Yeah, you're darn right
it's two tickets
'Cause corky and I are married.
We're a unit, a team.
We think as one now.
Morning, everyone.
Hey, corky!
Get out your lucky dice
because we are going
To the museum's monte
carlo night next saturday.
I can't go next saturday.
I already have plans.
You really should have
Asked me first, miles.
I'll just take one.
No problem. That's fine.
One is fine.
What's going on, miles?
(Sighs)
Let me ask you
something, corky.
Are we married?
Are we staying married?
I mean, what
are we doing?
I don't know.
Do you?
No.
It's like our marriage
Doesn't seem real.
I know.
When they ask my
marital status on forms
Sometimes I still
check "single."
I'm still buying lean
cuisine dinners for one.
And you haven't
had sex yet.
Thank you,frank!
Then, on the other hand,
I do love being with you.
We do spend every
minute together.
And before we were married,
I always felt alone.
Now I never feel that way.
Me either.
So, what do you think
it would take
To get us to feel married?
I've got one idea.
You know, there is
something we could do.
What?
Corky...
Will you stay married
to me?
Yes, miles.
I will.
I will stay married to you.
(Laughing)
Hey, everybody!
Looks like there's
going to be a wedding.
Wonderful!
All right!
(Elevator chimes)
So...
I had, uh, quite a night
last night.
Glad to hear it.
That's good.
Yep.
I had never done before.
Corky stuff.
Corky... Bed stuff.
?
Not another word.
I would prefer not to have
the image in my mind
Of you and corky and...
Oh, blast! There it is!
Your ceremony is
tomorrow, you put
yourselves through
This stupid ordeal
Of dating and getting
to know each other.
Then you can't wait
one night to have sex?
Uh-uh.
I can dig it.
It's : !
Where's nana silverberg?
The limo should have dropped
her off half an hour ago.
Just relax. You
know airport traffic.
What if the limo was late?
Nana hates waiting--
waiting and gerald mcraney.
I don't know why.
He's a fine actor.
If, for any reason
The subject
of gerald mcraney comes up
Just pretend you didn't hear,
walk away.
(Elevator chimes)
Well, hello!
Oh! Well, you must
be nana silverberg.
What gave it away?
My nordic good looks?
Oh, I'm so thrilled.
Miles has told me
all about you.
Frank!
Frank, you've been such
a good friend to miles.
Jim...jim.
You have been a wonderful
influence on my grandson.
Murphy!
Murphy, how does
It feel to make a grown
man cry on the phone
To his grandmother?
Nana!
Miles!
Oh!
Oh! To see you now
looking so grown-up.
It takes me back to the day
of your bar mitzvah.
Oh... Of course
Without the shaking
and the vomiting.
Nana, there's
Someone special
I want you to meet.
Hello.
Corky!
Oh, welcome to the family!
Oh, well, thank you,
nana silverberg.
Oh, miles.
She's even more beautiful
in person than she is on tv.
All right,
let me take your bags.
Miles, phone for you.
It's mr. Lansing.
Oh... That's the head
of the network, nana
Calling for me.
I'll be right back.
This is great that you came in
for the wedding.
Are miles' parents
going to be here?
They couldn't make it.
Miles said they were
in the mediterranean
Throwing blood at a
french aircraft carrier.
I think they're
protesting
Their nuclear
testing program,
but I could be wrong.
(Elevator chimes)
That's what
we call them back home
And they don't seem
to mind.
There she is!
Granddaddy! Mama!
Daddy, kiki, cookie!
Girls:
corky!
Hel-lo, buttercup!
Well, how is
my favorite granddaughter?
Girls:
mama?
Uh, colonel?
We're all
so proud of corky
But when you say
"favorite granddaughter"
Don't forget
there's cookie and kiki.
Oh, quit your
yammering, woman.
Oh, sure.
You know what?
I am glad
you're here.
Why don't we go...
Welcome, sherwoods!
How are you?
Nice to see you.
And this must be
colonel sherwood.
I'm miles silverberg
And this is my grandmother,
nana silverberg.
It's such an honor
to meet you, sir.
Well, son, it's nice
to meet you too.
You like a good joke?
I know a real humdinger.
You see, there was
this priest and a rabbi
And a chinaman in a boat...
You know what,
granddaddy?
Jim loves a good joke.
Jim, my granddaddy has
A humdinger of a joke
to tell you.
A joke? Splendid.
I have an idea.
Show nana silverberg
our new editing bay.
Why?
It's all
digital now.
She'll love it.
Murphy, I need
a little advice.
I know you had
a lot of expectations
About your
first night together
But it's because you guys
waited a long time.
Now, once miles calms down
The whole thing
will last a lot longer.
No, murphy, that's not it.
What I was wondering was...
If your family didn't know
That you were,
you know, married
And having a
wedding tomorrow
But instead thought
they were here
For a personal tour
of the white house
How would you go
about, you know...
Clearing all that up?
You still haven't
told them yet?
I meant to, murphy.
I really did, but I just
kept putting it off.
You see, the sherwoods
aren't that sophisticated
And, well, my granddaddy
has a little trouble
With people
who are different.
(Hearty laughter)
Why, that is the most
reprehensible thing
I've ever ?Hear
d in my life!
Good day, sir!
Murphy, all I'm asking is
Can you help keep
the two families apart
Until I can
get mine alone?
No.
Please, murphy?
Please? Please?
(Sighs)
Oh... All right.
You know what
my problem is?
My problem is I'm
just too damn nice.
That's what my problem is.
Say, sherwoods,
I think you'd be
More comfortable
at your hotel.
I hear they got
free hbo there.
Hey! Where you guys going?
Uh, oh, back to the hotel.
You know-- jet lag.
Jet lag?
They're from louisiana.
There's only
an hour difference.
Okay, the truth is kiki
and cookie are nauseous.
Both:
no, we're not.
Yes, you are.
Wait, wait, wait.
Before you go, what
should I call you?
I mean...
"Mr. And mrs. Sherwood"
seems so formal
And, well, "mom and dad"
would take some
getting used to.
Yes, it certainly would.
I just thought...
Nana silverberg
hasn't seen
the xerox yet.
Would you excuse us?
Murphy, I'm sure
it's a lovely machine
But I really want
to go to the hotel.
I'll take you.
Well, just because
she's passing
up the xerox
Doesn't mean you should.
You've got to see
this baby collate.
Besides, there'll be a lot
more room on the next trip.
Oh, don't be
silly, murphy.
There's plenty
of room.
Come on, sherwoods.
You never did tell us,
what brings you to d.c.?
What brings
me to d.c.?
Well, I'm here
for the...
Crawdads!
I don't suppose
anyone here
Knows anything
about crawdads.
(Excited chatting)
Look, you're my last hope.
If you don't cater
this wedding tomorrow
My guests will have nothing
to eat
And the bride and groom
will be miserable.
Really? You will?
Well, that is great.
I have to admit,
the price is right at $ .
What do you mean "per person"?!
(Doorbell chimes)
I'll feed them dirt first.
I say they choose
that lifestyle
Because they like
that lifestyle.
Like I'm the freak.
Corky, the florist called.
He wants to know what kind
of flowers you want
To hold when
you walk down the...
Driveway.
Won't you come in?
Geez, corky, you mean
you haven't told them yet?
I tried: on the way to
the hotel, at the hotel
After my granddaddy accused
the hispanic bellboy
Of stealing as
we were leaving
But I just
couldn't do it.
You've got your family in there
with stacking chairs
$ Worth of flowers
and an alter.
How long can you hide this?
Jeepers, look
at all the chairs.
How many people you expecting
for dinner tonight, murphy?
You know, maybe you can make
this last longer than I thought.
(Doorbell chimes)
Sorry we're
la?te, murphy.
Strom thurmond
made me miss our exit.
It's unfair
to blame him.
You were the one
Shouting obscenities
and ramming his bumper.
I saw my chance,
and I took it.
Pardon me, but what
exactly is your problem
With that fine
southern senator?
Oh, nothing...
Except for the fact that
he's trying to roll back
Every advance this country
has made since roosevelt.
Roosevelt?!
Uh, the
colonel has
Some rather strong
feelings about roo...
That president.
But I'm...
Put a sock in it, boy.
Senator thurmond is
The kind of person this
country was built on.
Yes, the redneck part.
And who needs that?
Well, you listen here,
mrs. Silverberg.
They may tolerate
that kind of sassy talk
At your pinko
a.c.l.u. Meetings
But where I come from,
we show respect for the people
Who work and sl*ve
to make this nation great.
Yes, you would know about
the slaves, wouldn't you?
Oh, nana.
He started it.
Colonel...
Don't touch me, boy.
You take back
what you said.
You take it back.
I will not.
You will so.
Miles and I are married!
All:
what?!
Geez, corky,
you choose now to tell them?
They don't know
we're married?!
Corky...
When did all this happen?
About four
months ago.
What?
What?
What?
Now that we're all up to speed,
why don't we get started.
I say that
the sherwoods
should sit...
Corky, honey, why
didn't you tell them?
I don't know.
I guess I was
just afraid they'd...
Have a problem with it.
I wasn't sure how
my nana would take it
But I told her.
And she doesn't
have a problem.
Yes, I do.
What?
You rushed into this.
She's not right for you.
But remember,
it's never too late
To admit you've
made a mistake.
Excuse me, but if anybody
should have a problem
With this marriage,
it's us sherwoods.
Corky, it's just like
when you were , remember?
We had to lock you up
in your room
To keep you from marrying
that no-good langlois fella.
Where would you have
been if we hadn't stood in your way?
Squirting out babies
on a shrimp boat, that's where.
I tell you,
that boy was bad news
From the minute he was hatched.
And you know what?
I get the same feeling
about this kid.
What are you saying?
Oh,you know
what I'm saying.
No, I do not know
what you're saying.
Oh, I think you do
Mrs. Silver-berg!
Stop it!
Just stop it.
Now, I realize
I should have told you
About the marriage sooner,
and I'm sorry I didn't
But the fact is I love miles
and miles loves me.
That's right.
And we are going to
get married tomorrow.
Married again tomorrow.
Right.
You know,
it looks like
All of you
have a little
decision to make.
Either show up
tomorrow at :
And help us celebrate...
Or you can go home.
Because whether
you like it or not,
There is going to be
a wedding tommorrow.
Come on, miles.
Uh, is this a bad time
to mention that traditionally
It's the bride's family
that pays for the wedding?
I can't believe
what jerks they are.
Total jerks.
You ask them for
a little support,
they disappoint you.
Totally disappoint us.
You know who was the worst?
The colonel. What a pighead.
Yeah, I guess. Sometimes.
But it's only because
he loves me.
(Sarcastic laugh):
yeah.
Well, what about
nana silverberg?
What about her?
Well, you know.
How she tells you she approves
of our marriage
When she really doesn't.
That's just because
she wants me to be happy.
(Sarcastic laugh)
Hey, at least
I told my family
we were married.
You didn't even do that.
At least now you know
why I didn't.
Actually, I don't, corky.
I can't believe
you didn't tell them that...
Wait a minute.
Honey, look what
they've got us doing.
None of this
stuff matters.
The only thing that does matter
Is whether or not
we love each other
And we do love each other.
Right?
Of course we do.
Great. So let's just forget
all this other stuff.
Agreed?
Agreed.
I'm really glad
we're doing this.
Me too.
Colonel's voice:
'course, uh, when a family's
Dead set against a marriage
It doesn't bode well
For the future
of the relationship.
What'd you say, hon?
Oh, I said I think
it's a left he. /
Nana's voice:?
Into something as
important as a marriage
Is a sure sign that it's
the wrong thing to do.
What'd you say?
I said i, um...
I think I should
have turned right.
Oh.
Don't make this
any harder
Than it has to be,
nana silverberg.
Trust me,
that choke hold
Wasn't enjoyable
for either one of us[s.
No, we are not
all in the mafia
And put your money away.
I'm not going to k*ll
anybody for you.
Oh! What's she doing here?
Take me back
to the hotel.
I still haven't heard
an apology.
I still haven't heard
a single intelligent word
@
Out of your trailer park mouth.o
You listen here.
You and your grandson...
(All yelling)
Stop it!
Quiet!
All right, you people,
listen to me.
This day is too important
to miles and corky
And I have spent way,
way,way too much
On frozen wieners for
you to ruin it all.
Who are you to judge what
is best for miles and corky?
That girl would've married
A -year-old gap-toothed
shrimper if I hadn't...
Shut up, foghorn leghorn!
I'm not finished yet.
Now, can you
honestly say
That you were thrilled
when edward here
Brought bootsie home?
No.
What?
What?
He married her anyway,
and look what came of it--
Three beautiful granddaughters,
isn't that true?
I reckon.
You think you know
what's best for miles.
Remember the birthday
present you gave
him last year--
That sweater with
the ducks on it?
I'll have you
know he wore it
Into the office
and got laughed at.
That's right.
A
he got laughed at.aa
So isn't it possible
you don't always know
What's best
for your grandson?
Maybe.
.
All right, so
here@'s the deal
It's time you people
Started acting
like family
And that means
You will choke down
all your anger
And you will plaster on
The biggest, fakest
smiles you can muster
And you will let
these kids do what
makes them happy.
Do I make myself clear?
Miles:
murphy?
Can you help me with
these cufflinks?
Murphy, could you
help me with my...
Hello, miles.
I can't tell you
how excited I am
About this wedding.
This is,
without a doubt
The happiest day of my life.
Now, where were we?
Oh, yes, I think
the grandparents
Were about to share
a nice big fat hug.
Come on, don't be shy.
(All oohing and ahhing)
All right,
all right, stop it!
Stop hugging
Stop smiling
Stop saying nice things.
Everybody here
thinks corky and me
Being together
is a bad idea.
You know, quite frankly
I'm not sure you're
that far off the mark.
What?
Well, are you sure
You're ready
to commit to this?
No, I'm not sure.
Good! That's it.
We're going back
to the hal.
The very idea
Of my delicate flower
marrying this scrawny...
Now, don't you
start that again!
I told you
that my grandson
Is too good to marry
your granddaughter.
Oh, yeah, that is
so like your people.
Hey, I'll bang my tray.
Is any of this necessary?
You don't
want to...
Shut up, boy.
I don't need any
two-bit gangster
To fight my battles for me.
Hey, hey,
hey, hey!
(All yelling)
(Sound of yelling reduced)
I feel so alone.
Me too.
I don't want to be
alone anymore.
I want to be with you.
What about your family?
You're my family,
and you know what?
I don't think
anyone's ever sure.
Corky...
Do you...
Want to stay my
lawfully wedded wife
To have and to hold
As long as we both
shall live?
I do.
Miles, do you want to stay
my lawfully wedded husband
To have and to hold
As long as we both
shall live?
I do.
(Sound of yelling restored)
I could use something
for this headache, liz.
I've got tylenol.