Greetings,fyi.
Miles:
mr. Lansing.
So good of you to visit, sir.
Oh, and who
might this be?
It's your son,
isn't it?
Those blazing,
deep-set eyes
That fine,
aquiline nose--
He's the spitting
image of you, sir.
He's not my son,
silverberg.
Of course not, sir.
He should be
so lucky.
I want you all
to meet my nephew.
Stand up straight.
Andrew j. Lansing iii.
Say hello to all
the nice people, andrew.
Hello.
Enough chitchat.
Andrew, do me a favor.
Go to the men's room
and fetch me some tissues.
One or two-ply, sir?
Any ply. Just go.
So, uh, you
met my nephew.
He's really something,
isn't he?
Oh, sir, he is quite
the young man.
He's an idiot, fontana--
A bad seed,
a plugged nickel.
But I promised my
dear, departed sister
I would look after him
when she was gone.
Oh, andrew's
mother's dead?
What dead?
She's departed.
She left home.
She ran away.
The kid drove her crazy.
But I couldn't abandon him.
You take one look
at his odd-shaped head...
I thought it was his haircut,
but it's his head.
Your heart melts
when you look at him.
I know what you mean, sir.
It's like a pea
or a small almond.
In any case...
I have attempted over the years
To find a place for andrew
in every one of our departments
But let's just say his...
His bud refuses to bloom.
So I was wondering,
possibly
That you could help
my almond-headed nephew
With some
type of job
Here at fyi.
All:
ah...
Gee, um, mr. Lansing
We would love
to take andrew on
But, gosh darn it
We just don't have
any openings at the moment.
(Buzzing)
(Murphy screaming)
(Giggling)
Oh, melba, you wouldn't
happen to know
Who rigged my
phone to shock me
When I picked it up, would you?
Your phone?
A, a... Shock? I, uh...
(Giggling)
Okay, it was me,
I'm sorry.
I just love practical jokes.
You know what?
I love them too.
How about
We pull off a practical
joke together?
Why don't you
collect your things
Get in the elevator
Go down to personnel
And tell them
you've been fired?
Oh! That's a good one!
Wish me luck.
Stan, hi.
Murphy, am I to understand
That you're in need
of a new secretary?
Because I know a perfect
candidate for the job.
The network is finally taking
an interest in my happiness.
Who is this crackerjack
you've got lined up for me?
Meet your new
secretary, murphy--
My nephew.
Stand like a person.
Andrew j. Lansing iii.
Say hello to the
nice lady, andrew.
Hello.
What are you doing
with tissues?
You're a secretary.
Thank you, murphy.
You've been a big help.
Stan, is this really
such a good idea?
I've been known
To be hard on secretaries
And you never know...
Ba-ba-ba... Trust me.
This is a perfect match.
He's fantastic.
He's great. He's...
Were you the one who
loved to fly kites?
When I was eight, sir.
He loves kites.
You love kites.
Kites in common.
You'll get
along great.
Thank you again, murphy.
Andrew, if you
screw this one up
You're dead in my eyes.
Yes, uncle stan.
If I may, miss brown
I will make you
a solemn vow.
I will swear to you
on my mother's grave...
Andrew, your mother's not dead.
Yes, she is--
uncle stan told me.
Anyway, you have
my assurance
I will be better
than any secretary
You have ever had.
Andrew, you might want
to aim a little higher.
Okay, here's
your first assignment.
File this for me.
Nothing would give me
greater pleasure.
Miles:
oh, god.
You know who that so-called
nephew is, don't you?
He's a spy.
He's going to report
everything we do
Back to mr. Lansing.
Miles, really, a spy?
Even if he is,
why should we worry?
We've got
nothing to hide.
Frank, thanks for
the tip about the phone
In the xerox room.
I see how you can rack up
$ , in calls.
The pea-head has to go.
What I want
to know is
When exactly did fyi become
the network's employment agency?
First it was dan rather's
bumbling aunt sissy
Then connie chung's
oafish nephew wilbur
And who could forget
andy rooney's son chip?
How someone that young
could have that much
To complain about
is beyond me.
Relax. By the time
I finish with him, he'll be
begging his uncle to fire him.
Mission accomplished,
miss brown.
What may I do for you next?
Okay, andrew,
here's what I need.
I want you to watch
all years of fyi
And write down
the number of times
I used the word "the."
Then go to the
library of congress
And write down
any references
To the names jones,
smith or johnson
Indicating date of
birth, place of birth
And any biographical
information.
Consider it done,
miss brown.
Wow. This is the first time
I've had to wake somebody up
to fire them.
Oh, andrew?
Oh, good morning, miss brown.
I can explain.
Sleeping on the job,
unless done by me
Is simply unforgivable.
I'm afraid I'm going
to have to fire you.
I understand, miss brown.
Well, here are
The first three boxes of
the material you requested
From the library
of congress.
You'll find the rest
in your office.
Oh, and I reviewed
all the fyi tapes
And you've used
the word "the"
, Times.
Andrew... Andrew...
I'm not going
to sugarcoat this--
I am very disappointed.
But I'll overlook
your transgression
Major though it was--
and it was major--
But you mess up again
I'll be all over
your sorry butt.
As well you should be.
I called the
computer department
And told them you would be
unable to attend their class.
How'd you get me
out of it?
It wasn't difficult
Given your recent bout
with carpel tunnel syndrome.
Not bad, andrew.
Not bad at all.
Merely doing my job, miss brown.
Bobby, could you
call your contact
At the russian embassy
And see when I
can talk to him?
Okay, I'll get to it.
Excuse me.
You'll get to it?
The lady asked you
to make a call.
Move. Move. Move!
It's okay, andrew.
He doesn't have
To do it this second.
Yes, miss brown.
Not that it would have been
So horrible if he had.
You wouldn't even know
you'd fired him.
I didn't fire him.
What?!
I didn't fire him.
In fact, I can't believe
I'm saying this
But I think andrew
might even be... The one.
Andrew?
You think andrew's
the one?
Uh-huh.
Have you taken leave
of your faculties?
You deserve better.
Hey, you don't
know him like I do.
He's good to me.
He makes me happy.
I'm beginning
to think
You don't want
to see me happy.
Here we are,
miss brown.
I got these especially for you,
fresh out of the oven.
Thank you, andrew.
Hmm... Those do
look pretty g...
Is your name miss brown?
Okay, people!
Let's get to work.
Stan lansing, our
beloved network president
Doesn't line our pockets
with gold
So we can stand around
kibitzing.
Now, where are we
on stories for next week?
Corky.
I'm researching
a piece on fungus
In frozen yogurt.
"Is it a tasty treat
or just a coneful of death?"
What do I know, but I
hear america shrugging.
Shrug, shrug, shrug.
Frank-o, what
have you got?
Well, I just got a tip
About this shady
congressional sting operation
That's about to go down.
Apparently,
these mining companies
Have been making payoffs...
What?
What?
That's my story.
You stole my
shady sting story.
Give it back,
you thief.
Shut up, andrew.
Shutting up,
miss brown.
Miles, I've been working
on that story for weeks.
Tell frank he
can't do it.
If you're so far ahead
Why haven't you
done the story yet?
Hold it! It sounds like you both
have a legitimate claim
So I want you to settle this
between yourselves.
Good idea.
Frank, I'm doing the story.
There. It's settled.
Rather fairly,
I'd say.
You're both a couple
of stories ahead.
Why don't you both
go after it
And see who gets
the story first?
No way!
Forget it!
Good. Then it's settled.
Weeks of work
go down the toilet
Because frank
is too selfish
Too egotistical
to just roll over
And give me
everything I want.
Why didn't he
just roll over?
Andrew, someone
should teach frank
That sometimes it's
in his own best interest
To just back off.
You're right, miss brown.
Someone should teach frank
exactly that.
I don't mean to
rattle you, miles
But nobody
can find frank.
Mcgovern,
mcgovern, mcgovern...
It would take more
for the exec producer
Of two prime-time
network news shows
To get-- how did you
put it? Rattled?
Tell them to check
frank's dressing room.
Sometimes he hides there
behind his clothes.
They did. He's not there.
There's a big mirror in the
lobby he likes to look in.
He's not there either.
Oh, god, we can't find frank!
Hey, miles, good news.
Thank god!
You found frank!
Found frank? No.
Buried him?
Yes, indeedy-do.
I cracked the story.
Isn't that great?
Great? I smell
a humboldt.
It's all lined up
Thanks in no small part
to andrew here.
I had nothing to do
with it, miss brown.
It was all you--
you, you, you.
Two minutes to air.
But we are undergoing
a major crisis here.
We can't find frank.
Andrew,
do that funny dance.
Get a load of this.
Isn't that a scream?
You wouldn't believe
what just happened.
I'm tracking down my source
on my sting operation
When, blam! All of my tires
go out at once.
Can you believe that?
I am this close
to breaking that story.
I'm glad you're okay.
Thank heaven
you're not hurt.
One minute to air.
Okay, people, we
got a show to do!
What?
Nothing.
Stick to your story
But you don't need such
an elaborate excuse.
There's no shame in
losing a story to me.
Many have.
Many more will.
I'm telling the truth.
Okay.
Blowout.
All four tires?
Pity about the car, frank.
Pity.
You know what I think?
I think andrew
sabotaged my car
So that murphy could
b*at me out of that story.
Frank, why don't you
accept defeat
And get on with your life?
Do you really
expect us to believe
That that wormy guy
Actually broke
into your garage
And fiddled
with your tires
Just so murphy could
win some stupid story?
Let's settle, people!
It probably is
a little far-fetched.
Guess I'm just being
a little paranoid.
And we are live
In five, four,
three, two...
Good evening,
and welcome to fyi.
For your information
tonight, frank fontana
Reports on the
spreading thr*at
Of international
terrorism.
I'll get out my violin.
If it's not here by : ,
you'll wish you were never born.
Yoo-hoo. Where do you
think you're going, hon?
I have to ask murphy something.
I'm afraid miss brown is busy.
She's not. She's there.
Like I said-- she's busy.
Now, if you'd like to make
an appointment with miss brown
Maybe I could squeeze
you in around : .
Nope.
Listen,
you little...
Good day.
Go on. Shoo!
He wouldn't let you
near her, would he?
I told you there was
something fishy going on here.
Jim, tell her
what happened.
Yesterday, murphy remarked
How much better
my parking space was than hers.
I pull into the parking garage
this morning, and lo and behold
There was andrew
in my spot
Blacking out my name
And stenciling
murphy's over it.
So help me, if I
ever catch him alone
I swear...
Oh, dear lord.
What if that monster
can read lips?
I turned down a $
expense request
From murphy
this week.
Well, somehow
she ended up
Getting reimbursed
And the exact amount
Was deducted
from my paycheck.
I'm afraid, frank.
Hi, guys.
How's it going?
Oh, things
are going, uh...
Uh, murph...
Actually, I wondered
if we could talk to you.
Yeah. Alone?
Anything you have
to say to me
You can say in
front of andrew.
I'm that loyal.
Well, it's kind of personal.
What's the big deal?
There's nothing...
If you don't mind
I have a lot
of work to do.
Okay, andrew.
Well, I hope
you're happy.
You've hurt
his feelings.
Slugger...
(Clears throat)
Slugger, it's about andrew.
Oh, no, not this again.
Look, andrew is a good, kind,
trustworthy assistant.
What problem could you
possibly have with him?
He slit my tires.
He took my
parking space.
He wouldn't
let me see you.
He scares me.
I know what this is about.
Frank, you're trying
to get back at me
For b*ating you out
on that story.
And the rest of you?
You're jealous.
You're jealous
Because I have
a better secretary than you.
I hate to disturb
this important discussion.
There's a slight problem
with your sting story.
How slight?
My uncle stan
just k*lled it.
What?! He spiked
my sting story?
Come on, andrew.
It's time to have
a little talk with uncle stan.
Oh, about
the lipreading thing...
Sorry, stan.
I demand to know
why you k*lled my piece.
Kids today--
no manners.
Do me a favor,
giuseppe.
Tell mrs. O'brien
Those funny bocce ball
stories you have--
It fell on your foot,
you hurt yourself...
All right, murphy,
since you asked
It was brought to my attention
During one of
my very bad rough cuts
Of the new comedy series,
blarney stone, p.i.
That you employed some
very underhanded methods
In procuring your sources
and documents for your story.
Stan, I assure you
I did nothing underhanded
in getting that story.
You'll be pleased to know
Andrew helped me
nail it down.
Once again, I had
nothing to do with it.
It was all you.
You, you, you.
Wait a minute.
You didn't promise
a secret service agent $ ,
To look at classified documents?
No!
Or thr*aten to expose
Some postal worker's
marital infidelities?
Absolutely not.
Andrew, back me up here.
She had nothing to do
with any of those things.
Well, then, who did?
Well, maybe
it was frank.
Frank wouldn't do that.
Would corky?
Andrew!
All right.
I admit it.
It was me!
I did those things!
I'm sorry, miss brown.
You did those things?
I'm afraid I did,
miss brown.
And frank's tires?
Miles' paycheck?
Jim's parking space?
Andrew, why?
We had a good thing going.
Please try
to understand.
I really needed
this job to work out.
I would have done
anything for you.
I would have
k*lled for you.
You didn't, did you?
No, but when
jeannie in travel
Bumped into you
in the elevator
And didn't even
say "excuse me"
I could have.
I don't believe it, stan.
Assure you
I knew nothing
about any of this.
(Growls)
I knew about
miles' paycheck
And jim's
parking space.
Other than that,
I didn't know anything.
It's not about
you, murphy.
It's about my nephew.
Andrew!
Yes, uncle stan?
Threatening lives?
Illegally entering
government facilities?
My boy, you've bloomed!
I thought
you were
Just some moron
With some questionable
genetic heritage
But today, young man,
you're a real lansing!
Oh, uncle stan!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm not a touchy-feely
kind of uncle.
Maybe we'll get our mitts
and throw the ball around.
You're the one who liked
to play catch, weren't you?
When I was .
He loved to play catch
with me.
Let's discuss your
new responsibilities.
Mrs. O'brien, will you
show murphy out?
Whoa. Andrew
is still my secretary.
Granted, I don't approve
of his methods
But that doesn't mean that,
toned down, he still can't be
A very valuable
and perfectly legal asset to me.
From now on,
there will be nothing
But tough love
for you, young man.
Come on. I am going
to scare you straight.
Wait, wait.
What are you..?
Are you out
of your mind here?
This boy is not
a secretary.
With his skills,
I need him by my side.
Maybe he can find a way
To boost this network's
sagging ratings.
I know, I know.
We could work on our shows
and make them better
But that takes
So much time and money.
Andrew...
What I want from you
is ten ways to take downer.
Maybe you can get
to rosemary clooney's nephew
With the perfect head.
Remember,
no paper trail.
Come on, twinkle toes.
Stan, you're not going
to take andrew away from me.
He brought me fresh doughnuts.
No one ever brought me
fresh doughnuts.
Don't worry, murphy.
I'll get you a secretary
from the pool.
Oh, no, not the pool.
Anything but the pool.
Don't get crazy.
I'll give you mrs. O'brien
as a loaner.
I'll take my chances
with the pool.
Thanks for coming
up, murphy.
Don't let the doorknob
hit you on the way out.
Move, move, move!
Pipe down. I need her
for one more year.
Piping down,
uncle stan.
Bar... Barry...
Listen to me, barry.
Are you going to buy the network
or not?
Because if you're not
I've got to dump
a whole lot of stock in a hurry.
Hold on a minute.
Andrew, did you
find a way
To help our thursday
night lineup?
Everything's taken care of,
uncle stan.
(Chuckles)
Hey, what's the deal
with these brakes?!
And why do they
call them brakes?
They don't break anything.
And why do they call it..?