05x10 - The Crystal Skull

[bunniefuu]

This is the easiest assignment
Stockwell has ever given us.

Tracing down
this little trinket.

But it counts. It counts against
the total number of missions, right?

That's what Stockwell said.

He called it a freebie.
Still I don't like it.

Frankie, give them some smoke.

"The man who chases too many
dollars, chases disappointment."

It's too long.

Eight words. Eight words is the
ideal fortune in a fortune cookie.

Okay, then it's dumb.
Besides, it's not true.

"Man who must write 200
fortunes by Monday,

"needs support
of all friends around him."

Two hundred over the weekend?

Listen, pal, they don't stop eating
fortune cookies on the weekend.

They must eat at least
14 million Sunday night alone.

Well, I hope you're
getting paid by the cookie.

You know, you better crank this
up, they should be here any minute.

Go. We'll take
these guys for a ride.

Yo, check this out.
Look at this thing.

What the...

This thing is cursed, man,
I can feel it in my bones.

There's no such thing
as a curse.

Man who do not believe
in curse, may suffer bad luck.

What was that disturbance?

Did we take a hit?

All right, saddle up, boys,
this is where we're jumping out.

We gonna jump? We gonna jump? All right.

Could you hold this a second?

Well, why do I want this thing?

Hey.

I don't want to be stuck
with this thing. Hey, Face!

What took you so long, huh?

Did you forget
something? Here.

Oh, there it is,
we were looking for that.

Make sure this isn't busted.

Thanks for dropping in when you did,
'cause those guys were about to...

Looks like it's in one piece.

I think he's trying
to say thank you.

Thank you?

English.
Oh, you speak English.

English, English, yeah,
English. Yes, yes, yes.

My name is Murdock,
H.M. Murdock.

Murdocka, Murdocka.

Murdock. No "Ah."

Murdocka.

Listen, could anyone tell us
where we are?

You're on Toga.

Do you have a radio?
Or telephone?

- Telephone!
- No.

Oh, now wait a minute,
what's going on here, huh?

He has saved our people
from disaster.

He is the answer to our prayers.

The Great King Murdocka has
been sent here from the heavens.

Topu.

Or not topu.
That is the question.

But apparently I just
did them a real big favor

by driving off the warrior
tribesmen of Toga Toga.

Toga Toga?

Yeah, that's their cousins
from across the bay.

They used to live in peace
for years, but now,

lately they've been coming over here
and bagging people for their island.

Is there a population
shortage or something?

- Headhunters.
- What?

Yep. Headhunters.

Right at the neck.

They hunt heads?

See all those little sacks
that they left behind?

- Those are heads in there?
- That's it.

Don't worry I've
activated the homing device.

Good, good.

Hannibal and B.A. should be
able to triangulate us from that.

Make thunder! Make thunder!

No, no, no, no, no, Chief. Chief,
I only make thunder once a week.

Monk! He look like monk.

I look like a monk?

I heard you talk about them
before. Where are these monks?

In monastery.

Do they have a telephone
or radio?

Yes. Radio. Talk in box.

Where is this monastery?

On island of Toga Toga.

Toga Toga. Well, at least
we know where there's a radio.

It is custom.
King must take bride.

Most beautiful woman
of all island.

Oh, look, Chief, I mean, I couldn't
possibly choose the most beautiful...

- You do not have to choose right away.
- Good.

Romance all women.
It is duty of King.

I would have been
perfect for this job.

But if King fails
to please even one,

it is proof he is not god.

What's the penalty?

Death.

Patea!

Patea!
This man is hut builder.

Build hut for this man.

Hut fall down in rain storm.
Man very angry.

Throw fire-bone in
builder's hut.

Burn hut to the ground.

Now both men want
hut built for them.

Patea. Justice.

Patea. A hut is
very important.

Therefore these two men

will rebuild each other's hut.

And until they are finished,

they will live together
as hut-mates.

And learn to respect and love
each other for all time.

For in the words
of the great god Joe Namath,

Hut, hut, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut.

It's getting stronger, Hannibal.

Yeah?

Shorten the triangle,
see if you can pin them down.

Heard there was cannibals on
some of these islands.

Hello, General.

Where are you?

Five miles west
of the Toga Toga Islands.

Well, you're off course,
the rendezvous is Kantalia.

I know that.
We had a slight delay.

You have the crystal skull?

Not exactly.

Well, if you're on the beach,
catching rays, Colonel Smith,

I will rescind my offer of a mission
credit for this simple pick-up and delivery.

Stockwell, the plane crashed.
They had to parachute.

You know the President plans to return
the skull to King Fassad of Baraq

tomorrow evening
at a state dinner.

I'm aware of that. My first
priority is finding my men.

Just keep in mind, if the
President fails to keep his promise,

this could result in strained
relations in the Middle East.

Sorry, General, the Middle
East will have to wait.

I'll tell you guys I'm not crazy about
spending the night here, all right.

I just hope Hannibal's
closing in.

Your wedding date has been set.

I haven't chosen a bride yet.

Your friend has chosen for you.

- So, I might have...
- Frankie...

...made an offhand
comment about this lady

- I thought was particularly cute.
- Frankie.

I am Leesa,

your humble servant.

I do as you command.

No, no, no,
you're not my servant,

and you don't have to do as
I command. I mean I can't...

This woman will not serve me.

This woman will be my equal.

The women's movement
comes to Toga Island.

It is time for you
to bless the meal.

Let us be thankful for the
peace and joy here on Toga today

and for this bounty
that is before us.

May we continue to prosper
and love, forever...

Well said, my son.

It's the monks!

Oh, boy, are we glad
to see you guys.

Yeah, we heard you have a radio.

It seems we have a new god
on the island of Toga.

Can I speak to you
behind the totem pole here?

Hi, I'm H.M. Murdock
from Washington, DC.

I am Brother Marino,
this is Brother Francisco.

We bring the word of God
to these islands.

That's wonderful.
It really is wonderful.

I mean, let me explain
what's going on here.

I know what it looks like.

See, we're trying
to get out of here.

And these people, they mistook

me and the skull...

We understand.

That's a relief.

This man is not a god.

We see him make magic.

Fall from sky.

Bring thunder stick.

Bring sacred head.

The great Murdock will pass
the test of the great Tatoopoo.

Tatoopoo?
What's the Tatoopoo?

The test of immortality.

Wait a second here, the
only way to test immortality,

would be to see if a guy

is mortal.

Tomorrow at dawn,
the test of fire.

No. No. No.

Listen, I could make
a flame retardant, you know,

like the stuntmen use
in the movies.

No.

Really. All it is is a mixture of
asbestos, hydrogen glutamate and aloe.

I got asbestos
and HG in my knapsack.

Aloe? Where are we
gonna get aloe?

We'll tap some.

That's not a cactus,
that's a palm tree.

No, it feels like aloe to me.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I told you it'd work.

Think I have blisters all over the
bottom of my feet. Do you wanna kiss them?

No. No, don't hurt them.
These are the good guys.

All right! Johnny! B.A.!

Are we glad to see you guys.

Where's the skull?

- That's a very long story.
- Long story.

Yeah, it is.

Hey, man, pretending
to be a god ain't cool.

You're gonna pay one day.

Come on, we've got
10 hours to rendezvous.

The end of an era, huh?

No, no it's just
a strategy, you know?

You let your opponent think
that he's defeated you,

so you can surprise him.

Looks like you've lost a little
of the old magic, Murdocka.

Murdock, look I suggest that
you take care of this right now.

I know I...
I should never have...

Listen, I've been trying
to tell you I'm...

I'm not a god, I'm just
another guy, another man.

I mean, I wanna help you
that's all.

Me and my friends,
we're gonna help you.

We're gonna go and get Leesa and we're
gonna get that skull, and we're gonna...

We're gonna bring it back.

We're gonna help you. That's all
we've been trying to do is help.

The rendezvous
with Stockwell is at 1800.

I bet those Australians
ain't far behind.

Yeah.
How's it coming, Murdock?

Ta-da.

Oogah-boogah.

Hello, General.

I'm on my way to the rendezvous
point. You have the crystal skull?

Well, we know where it is.

You told me the team
had it in its possession.

A Chief Saderaka has it.

Well, then go get it.

Oh, you see, the island
is full of cannibals and...

The President is
calling me every hour.

If he can't return
that skull to King Fassad,

King Fassad can't put his countries
oldest religious object back in his museum.

That means he's broken
a promise to his people,

the President's broken
his promise to him,

I've broken my promise
to the President,

and you've broken
your promise to me.

Now, in that scenario
whose dog gets kicked?

We're all invited to the
White House for dinner.

It's still there safe and sound.

Frankie, get
as close as you can.

B.A. and I'll go straight
in and grab the skull.

- What about Leesa?
- We'll get her later. Go.

You helped us conquer
the other islands.

And you said that
we were supreme.

Now there is another god?

Hey.
Don't worry about him.

This lady will stay.

We got a deadline with Wo
Tong. She works like the others.

No.

Yes.

What's the story?

The Chief's got all
the comforts of home.

Furniture, radio,
a diamond the size of a rock.

And those monks, they're leaving
and they got Uzis under their robes.

Boy, they had the nerve
to question my motives.

Where are they going?

They're taking them
to work somewhere.

Work? What kind of work?

Come on, you bunch of heathens.

Put some back into it.

Digging diamonds here, men.

Come on.

Come on.

The replacements are here.

About time.

These rats are spent, and
we're still short on the load.

They're taking Leesa.

Frankie, you and Face
check out that mine.

Come on, guys.

And that's what you get, when
you don't do what I tell you.

Maybe you'll listen from now on.

Get rid of these two.

Get up, you lazy heathens, come
on, let's go, you heard the man.

Go. Get up. Let's get out
of here, come on.

Let's move it.

Come on. Faster.

Face.

How many are down there?

Just the guy with the whip. But he's
gonna miss his partner before long.

Dig.

What the hell...

Throw down!

What about the skull?

We'll have to come back for it.

What the hell is the matter
with you guys?

I set you up here
because you convinced me

you were the tough
American mercenaries

who could make this chain
of islands fall in line.

Hey, we got you six
out of seven islands.

We would have gone seven for seven if
that jerk hadn't fallen out of the sky

and proclaimed himself a god.

Who are those people?

Beats me.

They handle their weapons pretty
good. I'd say they were hired g*ns.

Hired g*ns.

They've seen the mines
and the monastery?

All right. We must hit them before
they have a chance to make a move.

Bunch of fools, worshipping
the king fool of all time!

Where is Haba-tika?

Haba...
Haba-tika?

The crystal skull.

Oh, oh, we're working on that.
We're working on that.

Remember, "Patience is a
virtue that cannot be hurried."

Colonel.

A word with your majesty?

Patea's not till 4:00.
I hope it's nothing serious.

The problem is Baraq could cut off
relations with the United States

if the President can't deliver.

Stockwell's decided he'll meet us here
at 1800 and fly the skull back personally.

Good, that's good.

Maybe Stockwell can use his
influence to help these people.

Hannibal, look
what's going on around here.

We gotta do something
to put a stop to this.

Face, actually
the Great God Murdocka

is exactly what we need
right now.

Oh, I get it,

we take the natives over
to the island of Toga Toga,

and att*ck the mercenaries and get
the skull back from Chief Saderaka.

Wrong.

I've got a better plan.

Look at that idiot,
he thinks he's really a god.

Where is everybody?

Looking for us?

Get out of here.

Move, move.

You, too, get moving, sucker.

Frankie, you and Face set
up that monastery to blow.

We'll meet with you after we
have a talk with Chief Saderaka.

Is he buying it?

He understands these
are not the men of God.

But they bring him great wealth.

That's right.

And there's plenty more
where that came from, Chief.

They're stealing your wealth.
Putting your brothers in chains.

Making them slaves.
You'll be next, sucker.

You'll be the ones
working the mines!

Look, Chief, these diamonds
they rightfully belong to you

and to your brothers
across the bay.

Hey! Hey!

Now, ask him nicely
if we can have the skull.

No. That skull is sacred
to my people.

I don't think it went over
too well, Hannibal.

We'll take it if we have to.

We will fight to the last man.

We will go to w*r. We will
defend it to the death.

Hannibal, look, if they're willing
to fight to the death, I mean...

You have no intention
of blowing him away.

Oh, yes, I do.

Look, if there is a w*r,
a lot of people are gonna die.

Now, there's a better way
of doing this.

Why don't we do it one on one?

We'll have a fight.

The best fighter from your tribe,
the best fighter from his tribe.

And whoever wins
keeps the skull.

This is good.
You are a wise man.

Good.

I accept.

I am ready to fight.

Get in there, B.A.

No.

First you said yes.

If Chief fight, no one
less than Chief must fight.

Now wait a minute.

Isn't a king and a god
greater than a chief?

It is right.

Good.

Then the Great God Murdocka
can fight the Chief.

- Now, wait a minute.
- I accept.

Aren't you glad you got
your job back as king?

Now, wait for your opening.

And when you see it,
let him have it.

His or mine?

Yours.

That a way to go, Murdock!

This is now yours.

Thank you.

I am forever your servant, me,

and all of my tribesmen.

No, no, no, no.
We're just men.

I'm a pilot
and my job is to fly.

You're the chief and it's your
job to keep peace here on Toga.

So do it.

He's a man of great honor.

Had a hell of a time
finding you fellows.

Oh, we're an elusive group.

Isn't that something to look at?

I sure am glad
to see you, darling.

I don't suppose you'd be willing to
give it up for the sake of world peace.

Let them k*ll each other, I say.

I got a buyer in Singapore
waiting for this little item.

Yeah. Well,
how about $10,000?

That's peanuts, mate.

Where are we gonna get that
kind of money? Diamonds.

Diamonds?
What's this about diamonds?

Oh, well, it's just a guy
in Sydney owes me some.

You're lying.

Now, tell me about
the diamonds, mate.

Don't tell him nothing,
Hannibal!

The Chief here's got this diamond
mine on the other side of the island.

Really? Isn't that
downright interesting.

And there's a monastery
full of diamonds.

See? We could make a deal, we get the
skull and you guys could get the gems.

Uh-huh. Yeah, well, the
deal is, we take it all, see?

And maybe let you live.
And that's a big maybe.

- Oh.
- Let's go.

Would you look at this thing?

Yeah. Something else,
isn't it?

I mean do we really have to
blow this joint?

Yeah, well, if we don't, they'll
just come back in a couple of months,

and start the whole thing
all over again.

Well, there it is.

It's got half a million
dollars of diamonds in it.

Go scout it out.

What is going on here, my son?

You didn't say nothing
about no monks.

Well, monks do go with
the monastery now, don't they?

I understand you've
got some diamonds.

Men of God have no need
for such baubles.

You better not be
trying to con me, sport.

This is the bloke
that sh*t at us.

He ain't no monk.

Well, I just signed up.

I mean, this has no power. It can't
guide or protect you, that's the truth.

It's wisdom and knowledge
that will guide you

and heaven knows
you have enough of that.

But there is something
I'd like to give to you

as a sign of respect

for all that you have taught me.

That should scare off
any enemies.

Leesa.

Yes?

I must go.
You understand that?

Yes. But someday

you will return?

Come in, Empress Two.

This is Empress One to ground.

Sounds like our ride.

Back to reality.

You know, we really gotta
come back here someday.

You know, and just spend
some time relaxing in the sun.

Respond, Colonel Smith.

Respond please.

Hello, Stockwell.

Come on down.
We got the skull.

Yes, I can see that.

I've got you on the plane's
surveillance system.

Everybody wave to the General.

Hi, General.

You like that, Stockwell?

I can also see quite a party
going on down there.

I knew you were on vacation.

Now, General...

Save it.

This is the last time you get
an easy mission, Colonel Smith.

Talk to you later.