05x08 - Certified Lover Boy

[bunniefuu]

♪ Came through, all
juice, no introduction ♪

♪ Same dude, guess who,
up from the dungeon ♪

♪ No whip, just Lyft
right to the function ♪

♪ I spit that ♪

First semester's coming to an end,

and your boy is already
makin' a name for himself.

Junior! My man.

Yo.

And it's been pretty eventful.

I got snatched up by a secret society,

I had a run-in with the cops,

and I got caught with my ass out...

- [Screaming]
- ... for the second time

by my sister.

I also got close with Annika.

Junior, of course I like you.

I knew it.

Well, close enough to get friend-zoned.

But I'm seeing someone.

You are?

Which I'm cool with.

You know, Superman and
Wonder Woman, they're friends.

Look at all the good they do.

- 'Sup, Junior.
- 'Sup.

Come through.

Bet.

♪ Got the keys with it, ooh, ah ♪

Looking good, Junior.

Thanks...

Girl I Don't Know.

Anyway, all I gotta do
is get through my finals,

and Andre Johnson Jr.
has officially survived

his first semester of college unscathed.

♪ Come through ♪

♪♪

[Sighs] Please don't let this be

another weird frat thing.

[Exhales deeply]

What the hell?

♪♪

Yo.

♪♪

Zaara: Wow.

I would've thought making
the D List would come

with a crown or a championship belt.

I'm sorry. The D List?

What are you talking about?

- You don't know?
- No.

Junior, your junk is
the talk of the school.

♪ Double H, yeah, you know it's us ♪

♪ Gino got steaks,
and I got the sauce ♪

Oh, God.

♪ Ay, ay ♪

Between you and me,

you should be really pumped
that these aren't shrimp.

♪ Show me how you twerk it
up and down, right and left ♪

♪ All I want is M's and a jet ♪

- ♪ Right and left ♪
- [Exhales sharply]

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know, so I'mma feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪
♪ You can tell me ♪

♪ My heart b*ating so loud ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

[Slurps]

[Smacking lips] Mm, not bad.

A little acidic for my
taste, but I've endured worse.

What is it, Guatemalan roast?

Uh, closing shift's pot
thrown in the microwave,

but I'm happy it's working for you.

- Mm.
- Yo.

Do you guys know if the kitchen here

will take unsolicited eggplants?

I don't want these to go to waste,

and I already got rejected
from our local food banks.

Dude, are you okay?

No, no, I am not okay.

I'm on the "Cal U D List."

I almost made it through
the first semester,

but now I'm gonna have to
transfer to a state school

that they advertise on
"Blue Bloods" episodes.

Do you think they let Black
people into Arizona now,

- or is that a myth?
- Whoa, man, easy, alright?

Yeah, I mean, I gotta give it to you.

I didn't really take you for a F buddy.

More of a cuddle buddy... buddy.

Yeah, I don't think you
understand what this means.

Okay? When it comes to the List...

The List has been objectifying Cal U men

since before we even got here.

Grading us, evaluating us,

and treating us like hunks of meat.

Now, your chances of hooking
up with co-eds after that?

Nearly impossible.

- And for some, could be even worse.
- Mm-hmm.

Take Chad Filipan. No stars.

Just a two-word review

that he'll never be able to live down.

"Spoon Dong."

Poor little Chad.

- It hurts.
- It does.

Anyways, what'd they give you?

Three stars? Three and a half?

Five stars.

[Both laugh]

Five stars. [Laughs]

Wait, wait, wait.

The highest we've ever heard
was four and three-quarters,

and that kid was the heir
to the Bisquick empire.

I remember that kid.

It's not fair.

God's not supposed to
give with both hands.

But, yo, not that we're
comparing or anything,

but back in my day, four
stars meant something.

Yeah. It's like
different eras of the NBA.

Sure, guys today, they're
a little more athletic,

but the older generation
had the fundamentals,

so you can't really compare, you know?

Anyway, it's not about
me, it's about you,

and it's about your anatomy.

And no one's calling
it a piece of flatware,

so just chill, man.

Go out there, enjoy your reputation.

Wait, wait, wait.

Who'd you even hook up
with to get on the list?

Great question.

Yeah, I don't kiss and tell.

Hmm.

I don't kiss and tell.

Never have.

I never told anyone about Katie Hansen.

Or Keisha Emerson.

Or Michelle Lewis,

who used way too much
tongue, by the way.

But of course my only
sneaky link puts me on blast.

Yo, Kiela.

Uh, first off, you look very nice today.

Classy, but not trying too hard.
You're really pulling it off.

Second, why did you put
my name on that list?

Okay. Can you just
relax and enjoy the ride?

No. No, I cannot relax,
because I'm being objectified.

People are talking about my TT.

I did not ask for any of this.

Sorry, but, um, women
didn't ask to be objectified

through all of human history, either.

You know, when the list first started,

it was a flyer posted around campus

where men would rate
women on their performance?

Man: "Jennifer Huff... Worth every penny

she'll have you spend on her."

Man # : "Dominique
Nelson... a great time!"

Man # : "Carol Munson...
two paper bags needed."

[Women scoff]

But one day, a group of
women remixed the list

and turned the objectification
spotlight on men.

Woman: "Ron Maddox... ride of your life,

but don't ask for full sentences."

Woman # : "M Young... if looks
could k*ll, he'd be dead."

Man # : "Austen Boyd-Stevens...
rich boys can't buy size."

To me, this list is
about taking back power,

and I'm proud to carry on the tradition.

Women walk through this campus

expecting to take part in
the college hookup culture

but are being judged when they do.

Now men know just, like, a
little bit of what that's like.

So, um, welcome to
your ho phase, Junior,

should you choose to accept it.

♪♪

So, what was your TA saying?

Okay. My TA basically told me...

[Laughing] Breaking news!

Our boy Junior just made
the top of the D List.

- Oh, I'm well aware.
- What?

He's spiraling as we speak.

What's the D List?

Is that what we're calling
the Dean's List now?

Because I have a . .

Oh, oh, oh, shield
your ears, pretty girl,

'cause, um, this conversation
is for adults only.

But, um, yeah, five stars.

I didn't think he had it in him. Hey!

You guys, this reminds me,

I've been meaning to talk
to you about something.

So, I think Junior might be right.

Maybe... Maybe we are more than friends.

Wow, what a crazy coincidence,
despite any recent news.

Serendipitous.

No, guys, come on.

I've been thinking about
this for a while now.

Look, we're always talking
about how we want stand-up,

- chivalrous men...
- This "Bridgerton" bitch...

See, this is why I don't get sprung.

Wow.

That was really good.

Oh, yeah, I don't do
that. It's, uh, not for me.

Do you, um, have class soon, or... ?

- [Door opens]
- Um... oh!

Oh, my Go... I'm so sorry.

It's cool, it's cool.

She was just, uh, about to leave.

Okay.

I have not regained
control of my legs yet.

- Nice.
- Nice.

- Junior... out.
- Yeah.

It messes with your neurons.

[Laughs] I'm not sprung.

But, I mean, he did give
up The Crest for me, guys.

Mm-hmm.

Um, yeah, and you dying
to give it up for him.

[Both laugh]

I'm not dying to give up anything.

I'm just thinking about things.

Can't a girl think about things?

Damn.

♪♪

You guys...

That girl is dizzy for the D.

Ha ha!

Oh!

D List!

Oh.

Mm.

[Indistinct conversations]

♪♪

I gotta say, it's kinda hard
to try and study economic theory

when everyone in your class

is looking at you like a piece of meat.

- [Cellphone chimes]
- Man: Any questions so far?

_

Maybe this ain't so bad.

[Cellphone chiming]

_

♪♪

_

_

♪♪

_

_

So, guys... Guys, guys, I
need everyone's attention.

Uh, something weird is going on.

Do you remember back in
when Tesla first came out

and everybody was going crazy
to get on the waiting lists?

And if you did have a
Tesla, you were super cool

because it had the falcon-wing doors,

it could drive itself, you
could play "Tetris" in traffic...

Junior, land the plane.

- Yes, yes, yes. Land the plane.
- Okay. Thank you.

So, the point is... Excuse me...

I think I'm a Tesla.

Putting me on this D List,
it got me all this attention.

Sexually.

Which is crazy, because normally,

I'm a reliable family
wagon with third-row seating

and a great J.D. Power safety rating.

God, even I would sleep with
him to get him to shut up.

Yeah, uh, that D List definitely
put a scarlet letter on you.

- Yeah.
- That "A" is for ass.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know?

Yeah. I... I guess I've just...

I've never been objectified
in this way before.

And I don't know if I totally hate it.

Does that make me a bad person?

I mean, I try not to
judge anyone, but, yes.

- What?
- %.

Look, there is nothing wrong

with catching a bunch of yams
from random girls on campus.

I just don't think anything can
compare to a loving relationship

with someone who really knows you.

Like a friend who you really
enjoy spending time with

that might not be in this room.

Don't listen to th Heaven.

One person's objectification

is another person's sexual liberation.

Look at Megan Fox, Cardi
B, City Girls, Lil Nas X.

Yeah, but is that really what you want?

Look, bro, don't worry
about any of that.

Your junk is made of
Bitcoins right now,

and it's time to cash out.

Hmm.

Retain my dignity or have
my own personal Freaknik.

You know what?

The next set of yams
that comes on this device,

Junior's having Thanksgiving dinner.

Ooh! There it is.

[Cellphone chimes]_

Ooh. Okay.

- Mm-hmm.
- Eat up, Junior.

♪♪

You better finish your plate.

♪ Yeah, runnin' and runnin' ♪

♪ Yeah, runnin', runnin' it up ♪

♪ I can't stop, won't stop ♪

♪ I can't get enough ♪

♪♪

I've got a problem.

I think I might be sprung.

You? With Yazmine?

- [Scoffs] No.
- Yes.

You just started hooking up.

How do you know?

♪♪

[Cellphone chimes]

♪♪

Woman: Yazmine, Yazmine, Yazmine,
Yazmine, Yazmine, Yazmine.

- Aah!
- [Cellphone thuds]

Everything okay?

♪♪

Do you serve alcohol?

Yeah. That sounds extremely sprung.

sh*t. I can't be sprung.

I have two finals next
week that are literally

gonna make or break my GPA,
and I cannot concentrate.

If it's any comfort,

you're not the only one
battling sprung fever.

Et tu, bitch?

[Jackhammer rattling]

♪ Ooh, doin' it right ♪

♪♪

♪ I said I like the
way you move, honey ♪

Anything you need drilled, ma'am?

I'm sorry, what?

I said get out of the way!

I almost fell down the sewer.

There is something wrong with us.

- Yeah.
- Okay, maybe we can be each other's support systems.

- Mm-hmm.
- Next time you feel weakness,

you reach out to me to keep you strong.

Right. And instead of obsessing
over them, we support each other.

No more texting them.

No more stalking them on socials,

no more thinking about them,
and definitely no more lingering

- in their intoxicating huckleberry scent.
- Right.

Stay with me.

See? I feel better already.

- Yes. Okay.
- Yeah.

Since I have you, um,

I'm wondering if you could
delete some pics for me.

I'm just... I'm not strong enough.

Give it.

♪♪

Okay.

♪♪

Don't judge, just delete.

It's amazing what some twinkle lights,

a couple of fuzzy pillows
from Zaara's side of the room,

and a spritz of Drake's
cologne in the air

can do to turn a dorm into
the ultimate love nest.

♪ Send the "Where you at?" ♪

Wow.

Cristy, um, come in.

Uh, so, I do have some playlists.

I've got some smooth jazz, classic R&B.

I've even got some industrial stuff

that sounds like a
metronome, if that's...

♪ Do it, do it, do it right ♪

♪ Up inside ♪

You can play whatever you
like, as long as you're ready

to give me the "Five Star" experience...

Daddy.

♪ Call me nasty tonight, ya, ya ♪

Uh, Daddy?

Yeah, uh, you can call me Junior.

Shh! Be quiet, "Five Star."

Less talking. Let's get these pants off.

Uh...

Wow. So, this is the "object"
part of objectification.

♪♪

♪ Show you how it's done ♪

♪ Gotta go and get it,
gotta get what you want ♪

♪ Come on, watch me, I'mma
show you how it's done ♪

♪ I'mma show you how
to go and get it done ♪

- ♪ Watch me, I can show you how ♪
- _

- _
- ♪ Let me show you how ♪

♪ I can show you how ♪

♪ Yeah, I can show you how ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

- Who are you texting?
- I'm fine!

- Sorry, sorry.
- My bad.

I just have a lot on my mind lately.

Um, is your conquest still in
the bathroom or are we alone?

Her name is Cristy, and she left.

Very satisfied, I might add.

Ew.

Thanks, but...

I don't know if I am.

There's just a lot to think about.

I thought I was cool with
the idea of meaningless sex,

and I thought, as a progressive male,

I understood the nature
of objectification.

But then she started calling
me "Five Star," and...

I don't know. It just
felt kind of weird.

Okay, look.

Are these women consenting adults?

- Of course.
- Then go with it.

College is about getting
out of your comfort zone.

Take a chance and try something new.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll give it a sh*t.

But what about Yazmine?

I... I haven't seen
her around here lately.

Who?

Oh, you know, the girl I've walked
in on you with multiple times.

And I can't prove it,

but I'm pretty sure you
guys did it in my bed.

It smells like huckleberry over here.

So what? I like huckleberry.

It's a good scent.

I'm just saying, I know you're
not a relationship person,

but maybe you can try
something new, too.

Maybe. I need some advice on this.

I'm texting my sponsor.

Okay. Good talk.

- Ugh.
- [Cellphone bloops]

_

Texting your friend about
how horny you both are

isn't as helpful as you'd think.

Is this about Junior?

Do you want to talk about it?

Please, let us talk about it!

What is there to even talk about?

The fact that Junior got five stars.

No.

That's the last thing on my mind.

But what if I am only clocking
him because he's on that list?

No. Come on.

You already thought he
was boyfriend material.

Yeah.

So why are you even here?

You should be over at his dorm
peeling that eggplant or...

you know, sautéing it or something.

I don't know.

I'm not with the eggplant.

Or just talk to him about how you feel.

Clothed.

You both make good points.

But I've just taken a CBD gummy,

so I'm gonna let my brain think
what it thinks and sleep on it.

I think "it" is that dingaling.

But sweet dreams, honey.

[Laughs]

Look, maybe I was
overthinking everything.

But that is my nature.

I tend to overthink.

Still, I have one more
thing to figure out.

Am I just a dildo?

[Knock on door]

Yeah, no, we don't need to have
this conversation right now.

Kiela, you putting me on this list

has made me question who I am.

I am not just a
one-night-stand kinda guy.

I grew up in a house
of independent women

who taught me to respect their struggle.

I even lived with a woman for a year,

and we shared utility bills together...

Junior, what are you talking about?

Okay. I just need to honestly know.

Why'd you give me five stars?

What?

I mean, you could've
given me three, four.

You could've savaged me
like that Spoon Dong guy.

Um, why did I give you five stars?

I... I guess I gave it to you

because it was genuinely amazing?

It was?

Yeah. Yeah, I know,
it's weird, you know?

Even though it was just a hookup,

I felt like we were both,
you know, connected during it.

Like we were both there... together.

Yeah, we did make direct eye contact.

Junior, you're not a dildo,

because you care about other people.

But you also care about
what they think way too much.

No, but, uh, do you really think that?

Ugh. Get out.

Brandon: So...

You're into eye contact.

Oh, yeah. It is super sexy.

- Is it?
- Mm-hmm, it is.

You bet it is.

Eyes are the nipples of the face.

I took that too far, didn't I?

Yeah, just a little.

But it's okay 'cause you're cute.

♪ Only I got the love ♪

♪ Got the love, got the love ♪

♪♪

Thanks for the benefit, friend.

Kinda surprised you called so soon.

Mm. What can I say?

You just happened to cross my mind.

♪♪

I thought intimate wasn't your vibe.

Maybe you're my vibe.

♪ Thick as peanut butter
on a bread slice, whoa ♪

♪ You'll look even better
on my bedside, whoa ♪

You know, when you're
young, it's easy to feel like

you have no control
over how people see you.

But college can be an
opportunity to reinvent yourself.

So maybe I'll try something
a little different.

Yo, Cristy.

What's up, Five Star?

You know what's up.

Junior: This is the official
start of my ho phase.

Um, so I was thinking, you, me, later.

- I'm down.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- This is my song.

- It's hard.
- Yeah.

Here you go.

- Thank you, man.
- Thank you.

Hey, big cheers to my
brother in the eyes.

Wait. I think I know you.

Oh, dude, I've been getting that a lot.

You see, Cal U's been putting
my picture all up over campus.

Urinals, bus ads... it's annoying.

No, I don't think that's it.

But I think we were
there at the same time.

Do you remember me?

Chad. This is my microbrewery.

- Chad.
- Chad.

Man: Chad.

Chad.

Chad: [Distorted]
This is my microbrewery.

Do you remember me?

Doug: Take Chad Filipan. No stars.

[Distorted] No stars.

[Normal voice] He'll never
be able to live down...

[Spoon rattles]

[Distorted] No stars.

- Spoon Dong.
- Spoon Dong.

Oh, sh**t.

- I ordered sausages.
- Yes.

So, you guys still keep
up with the old g*ng or...

Aaron: Spoon Dong.