04x13 - The Comedian and the Loan Sharks

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Good Times". Aired: February 8, 1974, to August 1, 1979.*
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A spin-off of Maude, which itself is a spin-off of All in the Family, making Good Times the first television spin-off from another spin-off; revolving around a poor family making the best of things in the Chicago housing projects.
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04x13 - The Comedian and the Loan Sharks

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♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Anytime you meet a payment ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Anytime you feel free ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Anytime you're
Out from under ♪

♪ Not getting hassled
Not getting hustled ♪

♪ Keeping your
head Above water ♪

♪ Making a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Easy credit rip-offs ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Scratching and surviving ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Hanging in a chow line ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good Times ♪♪

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

J.J., get the phone.

Don't worry, Ma.
My secretary'll get it.

Hey, come on, Thelma.
Get the phone, girl.

Hurry up.

This could be important, now.

I'm not gonna move any faster

if that phone plays
"Shake Your Booty."

Uh, good afternoon,
Four M, Limited.

"Four M" what? Who's this?

One moment, please.

I'll see if he's in.

It's for you, boss.

Ahem.

Ahem.

"Chello."

Four M, Limited here.

J.J. Evans, resident
president, speaking.

You know, there's
something weird

going on around here.

Yep, and it answers
to the name of J.J.

Oh, The Chicago Defender?

Yeah, you want a
table for tonight for six?

Yeah, for the opening

of comedian
extraordinaire, Tyrone Tyler.

You got it, brother.

See your face at the place.

Well, that makes every
major newspaper in town

coming down tonight.

Uh-oh.

Got to make some changes here.

Can't have The Jewish Post

sitting too close to
The Voice of Egypt.

J.J., what is this nonsense

about you calling
yourself Four M, Limited?

That just ain't
me, Ma. That's us.

See,

since I got back into the
entertainment business

managing Tyrone,

I thought we ought
to have a fancy name,

so I named us Four M, Limited.

Well, how come that's us?

Four M, Limited:

that's Mama, Michael and me.

Hey! What about me?

You're the fourth M, miserable.

And your brain
makes the "Limited."

Yeah, that's right!

Say what you want, Thelma,

but Tyrone's our
ticket out of the ghetto.

J.J., we had a showbiz ticket

out of the ghetto before,

but it turned out
to be a round-trip.

Now, you can't
just base everything

on somebody that
delivers ribs with you.

Hey, Ma, but Tyrone's funny.

He cracks us all up
down at the rib joint,

and you know what they say,

you build a better mousetrap,

and the world's yours.

And the world of showbiz
is going to be ours,

because Tyrone's our mousetrap.

Well, your trap's
got a weak spring,

because every time
he gets up on stage,

he throws up.

I got that all
worked out, Thelma.

I haven't fed Tyrone all day,

so tonight, at the club,
when he gets down,

he won't have
nothing to come up.

Now, J.J., Tyrone's been in
that bathroom for two hours.

Is he ever gonna get out?

He's taking a bubble bath.

I'm telling you, the
man is going to be

a very, very calm
performer tonight.

And a very, very
wrinkled one tonight.

Hey, Michael.

How did things go out there?

Well, J.J., I think I
must have handed out

at least a thousand of
those Tyrone Tyler things.

Oh, yeah, Michael?

Well, tell me
something, brother.

What did the people say

when you handed
them the handbill?

Well, most of them said,
"Who's Tyrone Tyler?"

Oh, that's now,
but after tonight,

people all over town will
be mouthing the words...

"Who's Tyrone Tyler?"

Oh, Ma, look at this...

"He's flipper than
Flip. Cooler than Cos.

"See Tyrone Tyler for
laughs and applause.

Tonight at The Byrd's Nest."

Now, that's cute.

J.J.,

things like that
cost a lot of money.

Honey, we can't
get out of the ghetto

by spending money.

Hey, Ma, ain't no big thing.

You know, you just make
a deal here and there.

I let the man print
these up for free.

I let him in the
club tonight for free.

You know, one hand
washes the other.

♪ Pretty Oh, so pretty ♪♪

Look at me, darling. Look at me.

What do you say?

What do you say?

Oh, I say you came to remind me

it's laundry day. Oh!

Laundry, in this outfit?

Of course.

Now, how could I think

that those clothes
were laundry clothes?

I mean, anybody could
take one look at those clothes

and see they're not
for doing laundry.

That outfit is definitely

for putting out the trash.

Oh, that is so cold.

That is so cold.

I'm only kidding.

Girl, you look
gorgeous. Thank you.

Hey, Willona, if
you're not busy tonight,

how'd you like
to go out stepping

with the vice-president
of Four M, Limited?

Ow! No sooner
said than done, baby!

You know, Willona,
that is a bad outfit.

I just love it.

Isn't it? It's the
new peasant look.

Its not only
pretty, it's practical.

Now, look at these boots.

These boots, once
worn to protect your feet

when you walk
through the cow barns,

serve the same purpose
when you go out with

some of the jive dudes I know.

You know something, Willona?

That is just perfect to wear

to Tyrone's opening night.

Oh, yeah, honey. Front
row, center. That's me.

Uh, Willona. Whoa. Yeah?

The way Tyrone's
stomach acts up,

I wouldn't want
a front-row table.

Hey, Tyrone, brother,

you about all revved
up and raring to go?

TYRONE: I-I-I think so.

Well, he's rolling now.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Four M, Limited proudly presents

the Atomic Comic.

Let's give it up for
my man, Tyrone Tyler.

[ALL CHEERING]

J.J., where'd you
get that tuxedo?

Later, Ma. Later.

FLORIDA: It looks like

it cost an awful lot of money.

Now, J.J., we got
some talking to do.

Ma, please, no talking
while the act's on.

J.J., how much did it cost?

150 dollars, Ma.

Oh, my Lord.

But don't worry.

It's the same tuxedo
he's gonna wear

for his opening in Las Vegas.

Go, Tyrone, my man.

[MONOTONOUSLY]
Good evening, folks.

My name's Tyrone Tyler,

and I'm from the ghetto.

Now, there's only one
reason I'm from the ghetto,

I wanted to be near my family.

J.J.: You k*lling
them now, brother.

I went to school right
here in the ghetto,

but I got thrown out early.

The teacher said,

"if Willie has 8 cents
and Theotis has 10 cents,

what do they get?"

And I said, "Mugged."

[LAUGHING]

J.J.: I can't take
this much longer!

I wanted a bicycle,

but my father said I should
do what the other kids do,

ride a rat to school.

Funny things
happen in the ghetto.

My ma, uh... My ma...

"Went on The Price Is Right."

went on The Price Is Right.

My ma went on
The Price Is Right,

and she had a chance
to win, uh... uh...

Uh, 500 dollars.

500 dollars, if she guessed
the price of a can of soup,

and she guessed, uh...

59 cents.

59 cents, and uh...

Uh, the right
price was 39 cents,

but Ma said, "I thought

you's talking about
ghetto prices."

Hey, look here, brother.

You got to tighten
up on the act here.

Uh, J.J., I don't feel so good.

Just a little
opening-night jitters.

All right, J.J.

Now that your "Atomic Comic"

is having another expl*si*n,

I want to know where
all the money came from

for the tuxedo and
those handbills.

Hey, Ma, that's what
you call in showbiz

giving credit.

All Tyrone has to do is,

when he gets to be a big star,

just tell people where
he gets his clothes from.

And just what is
that on your head

and how much did it cost?

This, folks, is a Homburg.

The chapeau of all
successful managers.

With this hat,

Tyrone and us are going
all the way to the top.

I'm going to raise
some knots on your top

if you don't give me
a satisfactory answer.

Now, I want to know where
all the money is coming from

for Tyrone's "de-butt"

and all these fancy
suits and hats.

Well, Ma, you know, see,
Tyrone's one of them rare...

Good news, J.J.

I'm empty.

Well, well, well.

Then out of the house
and into the night,

because here comes Tyrone

and Kid Dy-no-mite.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, well, well, Stanley.

You're gonna be

a very, very proud
nightclub owner

because after tonight,
your Byrd's Nest here

is going to be
overflowing to capacity.

Maybe, J.J. Maybe not.

Now, that's if
this kid is funny.

If he's funny?

I'm telling you, this
man's a laugh riot.

A barrel of laughs.

And, you know, best of all...

He hasn't thrown
up in two hours.

STANLEY: What?

Best of all, he's got
the wildest act in town.

You know, J.J.,

a lot of good talent
come through the Nest.

I mean, Cosby, Flip
Wilson, Richard Pryor.

All nothing, nothing.

That's they way they'll
look like after tonight,

when Tyrone explodes
upon the scene.

Yeah, you know, I could've owned

a piece of them guys,

but, see, I was always
a little bit too afraid

to take that plunge.

Only once, I went all the way.

My nephew, I backed him.

I spent a fortune.

Oh, yeah? Was he a good comic?

He wasn't even a good nephew.

Anyway, I feel with
Tyrone, see, J.J.,

it might be a little different.

Maybe I can make a little deal.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry, Stanley.

Tyrone's 100 percent
owned by Four M, Limited.

J.J., maybe you'd
better think about it.

Which of them
turkeys is J.J. Evans?

Hey, J.J. Evans? I'll
see if I can find him.

Hold it, chump. You
fit the description.

Tall, skinny, and
leaning on the ugly side.

What do you guys want with him?

This scarecrow borrowed
$200 from the boss,

and we're here to collect $220.

Two hund... I only borrowed
$200 three days ago.

Interest.

And we compound interest

like we break your bones:

daily.

J.J., you borrowed
from loan sharks?

We prefer to think of ourselves

as a friendly service
collection agency.

Yeah, if we don't get
that $220 you owe us,

you going to get
the friendly service.

Excuse me, Mrs. Evans.

Hey, fool.

Now, let me tell you something.

You just broke up
my brand-new chair.

That's part of a set.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Right.

Now you got a matching set.

Thanks.

Would you like to have a drink?

Hi, Stan Byrd.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

Look, why don't you
thugs get out of here

and leave my son alone?

Hey, lady, it's not nice
to call people "thugs."

Oh, you're right. Forgive me.

I meant, hoods.

We're businessmen.

I mean, financiers.

We're like banks, only...

if you don't pay the loan...

we deposit you in Lake Michigan.

Lake Michigan? Uh-huh.

If I don't drown,

the pollution would k*ll me.

Now, just wait a
minute, you guys.

Once Tyrone's a
star, I'll pay you back.

Every penny! Honest, I will.

We can't wait that long.

Wait a minute, now.
Wait. Maybe I can help.

Good thing you came along,
Stanley, because, you know,

a half-interest in
Tyrone just came open,

and it only costs $200.

$220.

Okay, all right. Now, look.

Now, if Tyrone is good, J.J.,

I'll lend you the money,

but I got to wait and
see how well he does.

Now, you guys
might as well wait,

because if you do,
you get paid. All right?

And if he's isn't any good?

We get you.

And personally, I
hope the kid bombs.

We'll be right over here.

Whew.

J.J., brother,

I hope, for your sake,
that Tyrone is good,

because you in trouble.

I'm way past hoping.

I'm into praying.

Oh, J.J., no matter
how bad things got,

this family never stooped

to dealing with
thugs like those two.

Well, Ma, I tried the bank.

I told them the
only collateral I had

was in cattle,

but they wouldn't lend me
any money on my cow hat.

Smart answers aren't
gonna get you anywhere.

You still owe them
a lot of money!

Ma, don't worry about it.

After people see Tyrone tonight,

we're going to have
so much money

I'm gonna be using
my 5-dollar bills

to dust off my twenties.

Oh, J.J., I know
you're doing this

for the family, but then again,

I hope you're not
fooling yourself.

You saw how he
was at the apartment.

Ma, this isn't then.

I'm talking about he's
working for the big time,

which is now.

I hope you're right.

And I hope you're good.

Thanks, Mrs. Evans.

I'll do my best.

All tight, Tyrone.

Sit down, here, my man.

In a couple of minutes,

you're gonna be out there,

and I want you to
knock 'em dead.

You ain't nervous, are you?

Oh, I ain't nervous.

Who are those two
dudes over there?

Well, they ain't drama critics

from The Ladies Home Journal.

Well, who are they?

Just a couple of
interested bystanders.

Looks like they're interested

in doing some
real nasty business.

Yeah, I heard

they were thrown
out of the Mafia

for fighting dirty.

Just jiving.

Just jiving.

If you're just jiving,

then why is that
turkey wearing gloves?

Well, his hands get cold,

and he don't want them to chap.

All set, kid?

Never felt better, partner.

Never felt better.

I am talking to Tyrone.

Now, look, J. J.,

you and I ain't partners yet.

Now, why don't you get out there

and introduce Tyrone?

Gotcha, and Tyrone,

I want you to go out there

and I want you
to k*ll the people!

And if he don't, we will.

Great jokers, these guys.

So long, Tyrone.

Maestro, a fanfare,
if you please.

[MUSICAL FLOURISH PLAYS]

Very good fanfare.

Doesn't J.J. look nice on stage?

Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen,

The Byrd's Nest
is proud to present

a dazzling new comic,

one of "eppervescence"

and "rombosity,"

a man that is bound

to lay more dips in your hips,

more glide in your stride.

If you don't dig his best,

you got the wrong address.

Ladies and gentlemen,

need I say any more
than "the Atomic Comic"?

Let's give it up for
Mr. Tyrone Tyler.

[MUSICAL FLOURISH PLAYS]

Uh... ha ha.

Uh, the sound
system in here, uh...

ain't that good.

Stan, make a note:
new sound system.

Maestro, another
fanfare, if you please.

[MUSICAL FLOURISH PLAYS]

Yeah!

Let's put our hands
together one more time,

and let's hear a dazzling
round of applause

for the Atomic Comic,
Mr. Tyrone Tyler.

[MUSICAL FLOURISH
PLAYS, AUDIENCE CHEERS]

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

Why don't y'all just
talk among yourselves

for a few minutes?

I'll be in the back...

I better see what's happened.

Where's my man?

Where is that kid, man?

Kid split.

He may not be funny,

but he does the
hundred in nine flat.

My comic!

My club.

Our money?

J.J., is everything all right?

Look, nothing is all right.
Nothing at all, Mrs. Evans.

Look, Tyrone has split.
What am I going to do?

Wait a minute.

[PATRONS CHANTING AND
CLAPPING IMPATIENTLY]

Now, look, those people
are gonna tear up my club.

What are you gonna do?

[CLAPPING, CHANTING CONTINUES]

J.J., why don't you do the act?

Me? Why not?

You were better than
Tyrone, and you don't throw up.

Me?

Well, look here, we
got to do something,

anything... a dog act,

two monkeys with an orange.

Me?

Look, J.J., if you
do a good show,

I promise you, I will
lend you the money, man.

You might as well, kid.

You got nothing to lose.

But your good looks.

Well... okay.

Oh, good luck, son.

We'll be rooting for you.

You break a leg.

That means, "good luck."

No, break both legs.

J.J., you in trouble.

You'll be lucky if
it's only one leg.

Yeah, I haven't done
a ribcage in weeks.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm very sorry for the delay,

but we had a little
problem backstage,

but I want you to
know that everything

has turned out to
be very, very groovy.

Now, unfortunately,
Tyrone Tyler has taken ill.

And taken off.

STANLEY: Now, however,

The Byrd's Nest promised you
a new and exciting comedian,

and, baby, that's exactly
what you gonna get.

Let me hear a
little fanfare there.

[MUSICAL FLOURISH PLAYS]

All right, let's
put it all together

for a new, dynamic
comedian, Mr. J.J. Evans.

Come on, give the man a hand.

[MUSICAL FLOURISH PLAYS]

Uh, thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

Uh, my name is, uh, Tyrone...

J.J. Uh, I mean, uh...
J.J. Evans, and uh,

I'm from the ghetto.

[WEAK LAUGHTER]

Uh, I'm from the ghetto

'cause I wanted to be, uh...

I wanted to be, uh...

[WHISPERS] I wanted
to be near my family.

I wanted to be near my family.

Uh...

I went to school in the
ghetto, but I got thrown out.

Uh, the teacher said,

"If Theotis had 10 cents
and Willie had 8 cents,

what would you get?"

And I said, uh... I said, uh...

I said, "Mugged."

He got that right!

Uh, I wanted a bicycle,

so I asked my father,
and my father said,

"Why don't you be like
the rest of the kids..."

The first full house
in three weeks,

and bingo, nothing, nothing!

FLORIDA: J.J. Where's J.J.?

He'll be with you
in a minute, lady.

If you've harmed
him in any way...

Stay cool, lady. We're
gonna get to that, okay?

J.J.!

Son!

Ma.

It's conference time.

Wait a minute. You
leave him alone.

Sure, lady, for $220.

In 10 minutes, it
goes up to 240.

Well, kid?

Well, I don't have the money.

I guess I'm just gonna
have to fight you for it.

Don't be a fool!

Look, Mr. Byrd,

you said you'd
loan him the money.

Now, I know he wasn't
very good out there,

but, please, can't
you help us anyway?

[SIGHS]

Oh, what the hell?

He was much better
than my nephew.

Here.

You people aren't
gonna break up this kid.

Nice move there, partner.

Now, it's all there.

Now, will both of you
get the hell out of my club,

please?

Everybody's paying
up these days,

and the only thing
I get to smash

are chairs.

Mr. Byrd, thank you for
loaning J.J. the money.

I'll see to it

that he pays you
back every penny.

Right, J.J.?

Oh, right, Ma.

Right.

Now, I'm gonna leave you two

to work out the arrangements.

All right? Okay. All right.

Thank you.

Well, Mr. Byrd, I
guess I really blew it.

Showbiz ain't for me.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I wouldn't say that at all, son.

In fact, I still think of you

as being in showbiz.

Hey, wow. That's great!

Because, you know, I
got a lot of great ideas

for the club...
whole new policy,

line of dancing girls.

I'll pick them out personally.

Well, that's not exactly
what I had in mind, J.J.

Every Tuesday
night, ladies' night.

I'll be out in the
front greeting them.

Well, look, I kind
of thought, partner,

that maybe I would be out front

and you would be,
like, behind the scenes.

Oh, backstage mastermind, huh?

Even though my good
looks would help out front,

but if that's the way
you want it, so be it.

Partner, I tell you,

we gonna be
cleaning up in no time.

Right. You can start tonight.

Mopping.

Mopping?

That's a little further
behind the scenes

than I had hoped for.

Well, J.J.

Now, mopping pays $10 a night.

Now, that means we can dissolve

our little partnership
in, say, 22 nights.

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Just looking
Out of the window ♪

♪ Watching the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinking how It all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good Times, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Keeping your
head Above water ♪

♪ Making a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

♪ Easy credit rip-offs ♪

♪ Good Times ♪

ANNOUNCER: Good Times is
videotaped in front of a studio audience.

♪ Good Times ♪♪
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