05x16 - Battle of the Bands

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "CHiPs". Aired: September 15, 1977 - May 1, 1983.*
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Series follows the lives of two motorcycle officers of the California Highway Patrol.
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05x16 - Battle of the Bands

Post by bunniefuu »

- Hey!
- Come here.

Oh, sticks, huh?

Ah!

Oh, come on.
Come on, hit me.

Let's go!

Hey, Trasher. "Snow Pink?"
I never heard of them.

I'm serious, Jon,
Ponch had the whole audience

in the palm of his hand.

Oh, come on, Bear.

It only holds 35 people.

So what? You knocked
their socks off.

Hey, don't let it
go to your head.

You'll never get
that helmet on.

Hey, what are you doing?
We already got guitars.

A man can always use more, Fido.

Yeah, Fido the great.

Hey! Help!

Hey, Fido!
Ha ha ha!

Jump! Jump!
Ha ha ha!

Come on, chicken, jump!
Come on!

Hey, look at that.

Hang tough!

- 'Hey, baby!'
- 'Hey!'

Hey, you got a problem,
officers?

- Nothing we won't solve.
- What a relief.

- 'Real mean.'
- 'Bye.'

- Hey! Hey!
- 'Come on, baby.'

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Bonnie.

This is Snow Harper.
She's the owner of the band.

This is Officer Poncherello
and Officer Baker.

- Hi.
- Oh, well.

Darn thing never did lock right.

Hey, look, I don't need
a rap about this.

I'm mad enough at myself,
alright?

The van was broken into,
some microphones and two guitars

were taken.
I got the descriptions.

Oh, Ponch, you were terrific
last night.

Thanks. Now, the band's
not too shabby either.

- Hey, you got a band too?
- Oh, nothing that organized.

How come your group's
called Snow Pink?

Hey, well, I mean to be a star,
you gotta look like a star

right, and the rock world
already had Blondie, so..

- Hmm? Pink.
- Oh, you're a punk band.

No way, we're not punk.
We're new wave.

I didn't know
there was a difference.

Come on, there's a whole
different attitude

to the music, man.
Punkers are into an angry thing.

New wave, hey,
we're just having fun with it.

Hey, there's a big pileup
at the Rosecrans Exit

on the San Diego Freeway.

- Okay. We'll take it.
- 'Okay.'

Hey, uh, look, you guys, I hate
to pressure you or anything

but if you do find my stuff
today, I'm rehearsing

at The Breaking Point
in Hollywood. Any chance?

- You got it.
- We'll do our best.

The way I have to keep
changing tires on your bikes

you'd think you two have all
your money in rubber futures.

Is this a revised schedule
again?

Talk to your singing partner.

Sorry about that.

Well, luckily,
you were worth it.

That was some show
you put on last night.

Yeah, best singing motorcycle
cop west of the Rockies.

I hope you're not planning
on making a career out of this.

Aww, and leave all this?

Hey, what happened to you
last night?

Yeah, everybody else was there.

- I, uh--
- Hey, don't g*ng up on him.

Can't expect Jon to appreciate
a great pair of lungs.

He's a leg man.

Oh, don't tell me, uh..

You're moonlighting
as Poncherello's roadie.

Well, if I were, I wouldn't
waste his pipes on these.

These are dead mics.

'I found them
in the Ocean View Cemetery.'

Groundskeeper said he saw
a couple of weird-looking bikers

banging them
on everything in sight.

Uh, didn't this disco
used to be called The Breakers?

Yeah, and before that,
it used to be Liverpool West.

- Time's changed.
- Yeah.

♪ Well shake it up baby now
twist and shout ♪

♪ Come on come on come on baby
now come on and work it on out ♪

♪ You know you look so good
you know you look so fine ♪

♪ Come on twist a little closer
now let me know you're mine ♪

♪ Shake it up baby now
twist and shout ♪

♪ Come on come on come on baby
now come on and work it on out ♪

♪ You know you look so good
you know you look so fine ♪

♪ Come on twist a little closer
now let me know you're mine ♪

♪ Well shake it up baby now

♪ Shake it up baby now
shake it up ♪

♪ Shake it up baby now
twist and shout ♪

♪ Shake it up baby now
come on and work it on out ♪

♪ Shake it up baby ♪

- That was nice.
- Oh, yeah? Well, thanks a lot.

Needs a lot of work though
if we're gonna win Battle

Of The Bands. Winner gets
free studio time to cut a demo.

So what you got?

Oh, no, they're all ripped up.

Alright, where's the guitars?

- You didn't find my guitars?
- No.

I mean, that bass is a real
cheapo, but the other one..

Hey, I mean,
we're talking some serious

three figure dollars here,
you know what I mean.

I mean, I am working a straight
gig just to pay for that.

That's rough.

It's only a temporary job though
till my group hits.

And actually, it's not
that bad of a job anyway.

I'm a salesgirl
at Passion Fashion in Hollywood.

'You ever heard of it?'

Come on, guys. All the
rock stars shop there, man.

It's the hippest place in town.
You should check it out.

That's Duke. He owns the place.

And lucky for me,
he's also my brother.

It looks like
he doesn't enjoy his work.

Oh, he's been auditioning
band tapes all day.

Hey, Duke, got a sec? I want you
to meet some friends of mine.

'This is, uh, Officer Baker
and Officer Poncherello.'

Pumpkin, this group Pain
is a no-no.

- Pain?
- It's the name of a group.

Duke's prejudiced 'cause
he thinks they sound punk.

What? Prejudiced? Because
I don't like troublemakers?

That's funny. I thought
maybe you didn't like cops.

Sometimes, they're one
and the same.

Uh, we better go.

Guys, try and find my guitars,
huh?

Good grief, Duke.
That was really dumb.

You know those cops
are helping me find my guitars.

Well, they're not here, pumpkin.

What is it with you anyway?

You having a mental meltdown?

And you know what,
I heard that group Pain.

- So they sound a little punk.
- They're a lot punk.

'Yeah, well, so were The Rolling
Stones when they first started.'

Hey, look, why did you open up
a club for the new music

if you're gonna censor
all the bands? That's not fair.

Alright, I hear you.
I-I'll book them.

But if they misbehave,
I'm gonna pull the plug on them.

Fair enough?

Hello?

Yeah?

Yeah. No-no problem.

That just goes to show
how much you know, huh?

That was the owner
of The Breaking Point.

And Pain's gonna be playing
in The Battle Of The Bands.

'I said I'd come to hear you
sing if I could arrange it.'

- 'What more do you want?'
- Your enthusiasm.

Listen, let's 11-98 at
the Passion Fashion in one hour.

'10-4, Ponch.'

Second time this month.

- Do you have a spare?
- Yes, I have a spare.

- Do you want a hand?
- Sure, yeah.

Thanks. I've had it
with women's lib.

Beach scene's getting
to be a real nightmare.

- Who's causing it?
- Punkers.

Uh, no, thank you.

Last year, it was skateboarding.
This year, it's punk rock.

- 'It's hip to be bad.'
- Any punks drive cycles?

Yeah, Trasher's bunch.
He's a real dangerous dumbo.

Has an Indian haircut.
You ought to see him.

I think I have.

Yeah, he's been around forever.

Ex-jock, ex-surf n*zi.

Kinda guy who wanted every wave
for himself.

I think
he's got a rock band now.

They play around here?

'Well, you're asking
the wrong person'

but if they do,
it's probably at the Dirt Club

off Beach Boulevard.

A lot of the girls
think those guys are hip

but if you ask me,
they're all just as lame.

Oops! Wipe out.

All the pawn shops in the area
have the guitar's description.

There's a possibility
they were ripped off

by one of the punk bands.

No way! Musicians don't
rip off other musicians.

That's an unwritten law.

Oh! Be back in a flash.

Let's look around.

Uh, what are you doing?

I thought I'd pick out something
extra special for my show.

You know, to be a star,
you gotta look like a star.

Hey, you really dig
being on stage, don't you?

I'm having fun.
What's the crime?

Here.

Can't wear two hats at once.

Why not?

Look, the whole idea
behind fashion

is to break the rules, right?

- Two hats at once?
- Sure, it's fun.

Hey, Ponch, look,
we have got everything here

that you can dream of
to make you look great on stage.

And, look, if you want me
to help you out

I can turn you
into something really happenin'.

- Happenin'?
- Yeah, you know, happenin'.

Hip, up with the b*at.

Yeah, well, maybe you better
do that when you're off duty.

Your, uh, b*at's out there.

See you tomorrow.

Are you sure
you don't wanna put in

a few extra hours?
Last chance.

No, you're the one
that's split-shifting

the act.
I'm finished for the day.

Well, then I guess I'll have to
cruise Ivar Boulevard by myself.

Those are my orders.

Uh, you wouldn't be checking out
the Dirt Club, would you?

The Dirt Club, huh? That's where
the kids dance the slam.

You don't know the slam? I guess
you guys aren't into punk rock.

- You are?
- Hey, I don't discriminate.

I'm into the totality
of experience.

Yeah, the slam is a dance
the punks invented

because they got bored
doing the pogo.

What's the pogo?

Well, the pogo is how
new wave kids dance.

It's fun.
I mean, you just..

♪ Dah dah dah dah

Anyway, the punks took
the pogo step, went wild.

Invented the slam.

Uh, new method of crowd control?

I take it you've never seen
Grossie direct traffic.

Well, the more people you bash..

...the better slam dancer
you are.

- Uh, do the dancers get hurt?
- 'Well, that's the idea.'

Band-Aids and bloody noses
are punk status symbols.

See, the trouble starts when you
got a packed dance floor, right?

And some guys are pogo-ing.

♪ Dah dah dah dah

And other kids start slamming.

I can explain.

Yeah, well,
I don't intend to let you.

♪ Dah dah dah dah ♪

- Come on, Spike. Let's go.
- I need cigarettes.

♪ I dig pain
the feeling in my brain ♪

♪ The scratchin' the bashin'
the clawin' the trashin' ♪

♪ The givin' the gettin'
and the total bloodlettin' ♪

♪ Drive me insane

♪ I dig pain ♪

Whoo!

We're gonna blow
those bands off

that Breaking Point stage

and those kids are gonna
be screaming for more.

Yeah, Potato Head's right.
I can hear them now.

Yeah.

Ow!

Trasher, it's the cops.
The ones that were after you.

We better stash that bass.
They'll be looking for it.

They want this lousy guitar?
They can have it.

LA 15, Mary 3,
send an 11-41.

An ambulance
to the 6300 Block at Ivar.

'10-4, 7 Mary 3.'

- You alright?
- Yeah. Yeah.

'Trash, man,
you better get out of here.'

- Help is on its way.
- Thank you.

They're coming, man. Go.

'What happened
to the other bike?'

'Phillip, where have you been?'

- Out.
- 'Did you have fun?'

Hurry up. Come on.

Let's go.

I can't get through
that barbed wire.

Ow!

Oh! Ouch!

These guys are crazy.

So what happened?
They just slipped out of there?

Jeb, you don't slip
over barbed wire.

- Jon, anything on their cycle?
- Yeah, cute.

The kid it was registered to

his family moved to Germany
six months ago.

Did you see this?
"Hollywood punk club closed."

Ooh, I love this part. "Owner
blames police harassment."

We're lucky you two
didn't start a riot.

Hey, well, giving it the media
blitz isn't gonna help things.

This type of drivel
spreads like medflies.

Punks, I mean I don't get it,
it's not as if

they're underprivileged
from the ghetto.

The suburbs can be
a ghetto too, Jon.

An over-privileged kid
can get just as lost.

Try finding an identity
in a place

where every house is the same.

Well, uh, why don't you explain
about the v*olence?

Well, you can't
and that's why it's the perfect

antisocial protest
against the 9:00 to 5:00 world.

Well, I think
it's a convenient excuse

for troublemakers
to mess up the system.

Uh, here's today's schedule.

Sarge, I told you
I got a singing rehearsal.

- Ah, punk!
- I'll do a full shift tonight.

Well, might as well take off
right now then.

Listen, I'll catch you later,
I got a zillion things

to do before the show.

Alright, just take it
one step at a time.

Alright, I'm trying
to get organized.

I gotta be at a rehearsal hall
in Hollywood

then slip down
to Passion Fashion

and get measured
for some clothes.

Check out a new arrangement

and then back to Snow's
to pick up my outfit.

Hey, you're going to a lot
of work for just one show.

Yeah, it's, uh, my last.

I hear what you're saying, man

and the answer is thanks,
but no.

Look, if you don't wanna
request extra security

I think that's your business.

That's right.

I think you're taking a chance.

I hear you, man.
I appreciate your concern but--

I don't believe it.

You know, this has been
going on all morning.

Hello. What?

Yeah, I got it. Four tickets.

Yeah. Uh, now, pick up the
tickets an hour before the show.

Yes. Pain will be playing.

- Pain? Isn't that a punk band?
- So what?

I make a convincing bouncer,
don't I?

Listen, the tricks with punks is
you pick them up one at a time.

Yeah, but why give them
a chance?

I said I hear you.
I'm not deaf.

Look, with more cops around

it gives the kids
more reasons to get provoked.

I just thought I'd offer.
Is, uh, Snow around?

Yeah, she's inside. She's been
changing clothes for an hour.

Hey, Snow?

- Hey, Snow!
- 'Yeah, I'm up here.'

- Oh, Jon, hi!
- Hi.

Hey, um, look,
I left Ponch's outfit

down there on the stage
behind the speaker.

'Boy, I-I sure hope it fits.'

'I might, I might have overdone
it and made it too tight.'

Uh, no such thing.

I sat in
on the rehearsal today.

Did you know that
they're booked for two weeks

at the Airport Hotel,
Sacramento?

Sacramento Airport Hotel?

Man, this could be a really big
break. They could really be hot.

- Yeah.
- Could you hold on a second?

I want to get your opinion
on this outfit, right?

'Close your eyes.
Hey, don't peek.'

Alright.

Hey, guys, could I have
some lights up there?

Okay. Open them up.

What do you think?
Isn't it too much?

Too little. Hey, look, it's
only my third choice anyway.

Well, you're not gonna forget
about tonight, are you?

I left your name at the door
and everything.

There are not gonna
be too many punks.

Jon, would you stop
worrying about the punks?

They're just a bunch of kids
with growing pains.

I mean, they'll probably be
doctors and lawyers someday.

Yeah, well,
if you have any trouble--

There's not going
to be any trouble.

Okay.

- Uh, Jon.
- Yeah?

- What you came for.
- Oh!

Bye.

♪ Kick me when I'm down
come up and rip my shirt ♪

♪ My dad will buy another one
especially if I'm hurt ♪

♪ Hey you can never stop me
from being what I choose ♪

♪ And if you try to shut me up
some scene you're gonna lose ♪

♪ 'Cause I dig pain
the feeling in my brain ♪

♪ The crashin' the trashin'
the givin' the gettin' ♪

♪ And the total bloodlettin'
drive me insane ♪

♪ I dig pain ♪

Come on!

Forget it, man. We don't have
a prayer to win this thing.

It doesn't matter, alright?
Because nobody's gonna win.

Trasher, they're gonna hate us.

Good!
Let them go savage.

We'll work 'em up to the max and
then we trash the whole place.

Yeah, real damage.

Yeah.

Big night for Snow.

I'm gonna keep my eyes open
for any familiar haircuts.

Yeah, sounds great.

Alright, what's eating you?
I'm the one that should be mad.

You never come to hear me.

- Sorry.
- Yeah, well, I wanna know why.

Uh, maybe I was afraid
you'd be too good.

Yeah?
You really wanted to hear me?

- Sure.
- Well, you're too late.

Look, Ponch, uh,
I just want you to know what

you're getting into. I mean,
you're going for the big time.

Hey, Jon, you know me.

Safety first. I slow down
to read the road signs.

Then you know that
becoming a singing sensation

takes a lot of hard work.

- And lots of luck.
- Right.

And still,
there's no guarantees.

Exactly.

How come
you're agreeing with me?

Because you're right.

But you said you're going
to Sacramento for two weeks.

Oh, that's it. Jon, the band's
going to Sacramento, not me.

I'm at the top
of my profession right now

and that took a lot
of sweat and blood just to be

sitting up here. Now's the time
to enjoy the view.

So you're stuck with me.

- Any regrets?
- Yeah, one.

You've never come
to hear me sing.

Now, now, don't rub it in.
Don't rub it in.

Okay, okay, I won't.

But, uh, you'll get
to hear me anyway.

- I don't understand.
- You'll see.

'Alright, serving it up from
the top of your digital dial'

'drifting through wave of wave
of power on rock and roll'

'get ready
for The Battle Of The Bands.'

Yes, band fans,
here we are at stage side

at The Breaking Point,
if you're keeping a scorecard

the bands tonight will be Snow
Pink, Pill Boy and The Anteaters

Mog, Crispy Cretins,
Split Milkshake, Pain

'and a few others,
but I can't read them'

''cause I just took my glasses
off..'

Hey, now,
charge up your fuel cells

because we're gonna party
till we drop.

What do you think
you're doing, huh?

Hey, I thought
we'd leave our mark.

If we're leaving our mark,
we do it right, huh?

The bathroom's closed.

And now, Snow Pink!

♪ Little child ♪ Little child

♪ Little child ♪ Little child

♪ Little child
won't you dance with me? ♪

♪ I'm so sad and lonely
baby take a chance with me ♪

♪ Little child ♪ Little child

♪ Little child ♪ Little child

♪ Little child
won't you dance with me? ♪

♪ I'm so sad and lonely
baby take a chance with me ♪

♪ If you want someone
to make you feel so fine ♪

♪ Then we'll have some fun
when you're mine oh mine ♪

♪ Come on come on come on

♪ Little child ♪ Little child

♪ Little child ♪ Little child

♪ Little child
won't you dance with me? ♪

♪ I'm so sad and lonely
baby take a chance with me ♪

'Get out of here, you turkey!'

Hey, come on, man. Lay off!
I didn't do nothing.

Hey, walk out.
Now let's rock.

Man, come on, man.
Give me another chance.

No way, man.
You're finished for the night.

Talk to me, earth dog.

And now, all the way
from the hills of Holly-weird

welcome Pain!

♪ Take a hunk of concrete
and stick it in my face ♪

♪ I like to play with razor
blades I hate the human race ♪

♪ I been around the globe
don't care if I die ♪

♪ Winners of my hard life
somebody's gonna cry ♪

♪ 'Cause I dig pain
the feeling in my brain ♪

♪ The scratchin' the bashin'
the clawin' and the trashin' ♪

♪ And the givin'
and the gettin' ♪

♪ And the total bloodlettin'
drive me insane ♪

♪ I dig pain

That's my guitar!

♪ ...come up and rip my shirt

♪ My dad will buy another one
especially if I'm hurt ♪

♪ Now you can never stop me
from doing what I choose ♪

♪ And if you try to shut me up
ah tonight you're gonna lose ♪

'Forget it, man. They locked
us out five minutes ago.'

♪ 'Cause I dig pain
the feeling in my brain ♪

♪ The scratchin' the bashin'
the clawin' and the trashin' ♪

♪ The givin' and the gettin'
and the total bloodlettin' ♪

♪ Drive me insane

♪ I dig pain

'Help! Hey!'

♪ Somebody's gonna cry

♪ 'Cause I dig pain
the feeling in my brain ♪

♪ The scratchin' the bashin'
the clawin' and the trashin' ♪

♪ The givin' and the gettin'
and the total bloodlettin' ♪

♪ Drive me insane

♪ I dig pain

They're going psycho out there.

Yeah, it's your responsibility.

I mean, you blew it, man. You
can hear, but you can't listen.

Hey, hey, oh, Duke,
oh, I-I gotta split.

It's been wild.
Keep on punking, huh?

- What can I do?
- Call the police.

But..

♪ I dig pain
I dig pain ♪

♪ I dig pain
I dig pain ♪♪

It's a raid! It's a raid!
Cops, man! It's a raid!

- Are you alright?
- 'You're going to jail.'

Hey, would you listen to me,
please?

Hey, listen up!

Hey, these kids
are not the troublemakers.

Would you listen to me, please?

Hey, look, I mean,
why are you letting some sickies

close down your club for, huh?

I mean, five minutes ago, you
were booing them off the stage.

It's their mess, not yours.

Not another step, cop, or I
swear I'll blow us both up, man.

I don't care.

- Okay, man.
- Back off. Back off.

♪ Celebrate good times
come on ♪

♪ Let's celebrate

♪ Celebrate good times
come on ♪

♪ Let's celebrate

♪ There's a party going
on right here ♪

♪ A celebration to last
throughout the years ♪

♪ So bring your good times
and your laughter too ♪

♪ We're gonna celebrate your
party with you come on now ♪

♪ Celebration

♪ Let's all celebrate
and have a good time ♪

♪ Celebration

♪ We gonna celebrate
and have a good time ♪

♪ It's time
to come together ♪

♪ It's up to you
what's your pleasure ♪

♪ Everyone around the world

♪ Come on

♪ It's a celebration

♪ Let's celebrate

♪ Celebrate good times
come on ♪

♪ It's a celebration

♪ Celebrate good times
come on ♪

♪ Let's celebrate

♪ We're gonna have
a good time tonight ♪

♪ Let's celebrate

♪ It's alright baby yeah

♪ We're gonna have
a good time tonight ♪

♪ Let's celebrate

♪ It's alright

♪ Come on now

♪ Celebration

♪ Let's all celebrate
and have a good time ♪

♪ Celebration

♪ We gonna celebrate
and have a good time ♪

♪ It's a celebration

♪ Celebrate good times ♪ Come on

♪ Oh let's celebrate

♪ Celebrate good times
come on ♪

♪ We're gonna have
a good time tonight ♪

♪ Celebrate good times
come on ♪

♪ Let's celebrate
celebrate yeah ♪♪

- That's a good tune.
- Thanks.

'Well, here it comes the winner
of The Battle Of The Bands is..'

...Snow Pink!
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