04x21 - Up in Klink's Room

[bunniefuu]

Hmm.

Interesting, very interesting.

Hmm.

Concentration, Hogan...
That's the answer.

And knowing exactly
what to look for.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

You're so right, Commandant.

My move?

Not... quite.

Your dinner, Herr Kommandant.

Mm-hmm!

I've got you.

Checkmate.

How do you do it, sir?

That's fantastic!

It's very simple, Hogan:

I play chess exactly
like I run Stalag 13...

Eyes open, watching
your every move.

I, uh... must say, Commandant,

I wish you wouldn't
eat when you play.

You got grease all
over these pieces.

I did?

Mm-hmm.

The way you wolfed
that chicken leg down...

Bad for the digestion.

I'm still hungry.

Well, you left your
vegetables and potato.

If you're going to
leave that much food,

I'm going to bring a
doggy bag over here.

Come in.

Excuse me, sir.

Colonel Hogan, you're
needed at the hut.

Okay.

Another game later, Commandant?

Hogan, when will
you ever give up, huh?

b*at you again, Colonel?

Uh-huh.

Sir, you're letting
our side down.

Have Kinch pass
those train schedules

on to headquarters, huh?

What's up?

Message from London.

One of our agents
posing as a German officer

got himself wounded.

Where is he?

Well, they're going to bring
him into a local hospital.

He's got a lot of top
secret information.

And they want us to get it?

Right.

The only thing is, how do
we get into a German hospital?

Have to visit a sick German.

They won't let a
prisoner in to see a Kraut.

They will if it's Klink.

He's not sick.

No, but he's going to be.

The contact's name
is Major Zimmer.

Recognition code,
one word: Moonglow.

He's got important information.

London wants it fast.

They always do.

Tell them we'll try.

May one inquire how you
expect to get into that hospital?

Klink's going to be
our ticket, I hope.

Colonel Hogan, Commandant
Klink wants his car.

Help yourself, Schultz,
and good luck to you.

Hey, guys, what are you doing?

Who? Us?

Well, what does it look
like we're doing, Schultz?

We are building a giant
metal Wiener schnitzel.

Oh, come on.

And then we send it to h*tler.

For his birthday.

Ridiculous.

But it's not bad.

Schultz, we're repairing

the bloody commandant's
car, aren't we?

And the commandant
wants it right away!

Well, it's not ready!

Well, he must
have it right away!

His orders.

He can't have it!

What do you mean,
he can't have it?

Donnerwetter!

No, actually it's
wheel bearing trouble.

Commandant Klink
is going to k*ll me.

It's w*r, Schultzy.

You should have
thought of that, mate,

before you marched into Poland.

Schultz!

Trouble.

Trouble, trouble!

Why isn't the car ready?

H-Herr Kommandant, it is them.

They... they...

they... they didn't!

Commandant...

The men are sorry.

They're trying to do a
good job and it takes time.

Mm-hmm... up to your old
tricks again, Hogan, huh?

Me, sir?

Hogan, you'll never learn.

I'm on to you.

If your purpose is to delay
the German w*r machine,

it won't work.

Schultz, my motorcycle.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

I wouldn't do that, sir.

I mean, it's in need of repair.

Huh!

It's not safe.

Sir!

Hogan, stop your
foolish little game.

It won't work.

I'm on to your every thought.

When will you learn that
the German mind is superior?

Schultz, let's go.

Don't move, sir.

Don't move.

Hogan, this is your fault.

My fault?

I told you not to take it.

Carter, you'd better
get an ambulance.

I don't need an
ambulance, I'm all right.

All right?

That's the worst case of
whiplash I've ever seen.

Here, does that hurt?

Yes!

Oh, boy, it's not just whiplash,
probably brain damage, too.

Hurry, Carter, hurry!

Why didn't he believe me?

Why?

I'll tell you why...

Because he's a stubborn,
mean, rotten, old...

Schultz!

I'm surprised at you.

Aren't you even going to
visit him in the hospital?

I know he'd love to
see a friendly face.

Hmm.

That leaves me out.

I wouldn't waste my
time going to see him

for anything in the world.

Okay, Schultz.

He'll recover, come back here

and remember
you didn't visit him.

So what?

So how are things at Stalingrad?

I'll go and pick up some
nice flowers on my way.

Mind if I come along?

You, Colonel Hogan?

Klink needs us, Schultz.

I know my visit will
mean a lot... to both of us.

Just a minute, Schultz.

Excuse me.

Could you tell me what
room Major Zimmer's in?

Zimmer?

Oh, yes, he's one of the wounded

on the train arriving
at 10:00 tonight.

10:00 tonight.

Thank you.

Who is Major Zimmer?

Oh, just a friend.

How did you know he
was going to be here?

Letter from home.

But if he was just wounded...

Air mail.

Oh.

Do I feel feverish to you?

No, Colonel.

Oh, it's probably your presence.

You don't mind if I
call you Gerta, do you?

Oh, what a lovely little hand.

You have visitors, Colonel.

Visitors?

Herr Kommandant, Sergeant
Schultz reporting for a visit...

One visit.

What are you doing here?

You're responsible
for my being here.

How are they treating you, sir?

You feeling well?

You tried to k*ll me,
that's what you did.

That's cruel, sir,
and I don't deserve it!

You deserve it, you deserve it.

I know we're enemies, but...

well, it's... it's like Wellington
felt about Napoleon...

He fought him, but he
had to admire the mind.

Napoleon?

I know it's wrong, but, in a
way, I've put you on a pedestal.

I had no idea, Hogan.

Colonel, the results
of your tests are in...

All negative.

And Dr. Klaus
says you may leave.

Thank you, Nurse Gerta.

Schultz, check with the orderly

and see what they've
done with my uniform.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Oh, Herr Kommandant,
if you keep any records,

will you please put
me down for one visit?

You can't leave, Colonel.

You're not well.

You have a head
injury, whiplash.

You should be under observation.

Oh, yes. For days.

Mm-hmm. Weeks, months.

At least until 10:00 tonight.

I think Dr. Klaus
knows what he's doing.

Which patient are
you talking about?

Klink, Klink... Wilhelm Klink.

He's in room 216.

Don't give up, Doctor.

I know these hands can save him.

Ja, ja, danke.

Klink, huh?

Uh-huh.

Wilhelm Klink.

Wilhelm... Ja, ja, here.

He's leaving us today.

Oh, it's much too soon.

I don't know how you could
even consider releasing him.

Well, we are not
forcing him out.

If the colonel feels that
he is not ready to leave,

we would insist that he stay.

Thank you, Dr. Klaus, thank you.

Hogan!

Why are you trying to
make me stay here, huh?

Why?

No use trying to outsmart
you, but I had to try.

She was desperate.

She begged me.

I... I couldn't refuse.

"She"?

Gerta, your nurse.

I found her crying
in the linen closet.

Poor kid, she heard
you were leaving.

Something about a woman's tears.

But why would Gerta...?

You underestimate
yourself, Commandant.

She lost her heart.

She did?

Anything... anything just to
spend one evening with you...

To have those lifelong
memories with her forever.

I told her I'd try.

I see.

All that affection just
waiting to be released.

But you know best.

Your uniform, Herr Kommandant.

Put it in the closet, Schultz.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

I won't be leaving right away.

♪ Ba-dum, ba-dum, da, da. ♪

Oh, Hogan, you could have
told me that to begin with.

I understand these things.

Yeah, just be gentle, sir.

She deserves it.

What are you doing here?

Oh, Dr. Klaus wants you
to have a copy of his book.

He's giving them to
everyone in the hospital.

Where's my Nurse Gerta?

Oh, she's off duty.

I'm taking her place.

If you need
anything, just call me.

She gave up hope, poor kid.

Schultz, bring me my uniform.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

And hurry up about it.

Jawohl.

I can't wear that!

Go back to camp,
get me a fresh uniform,

and take Hogan with you.

Out!

I can't understand it.

How could Klink go
through a crash like that

and not break anything?

Luck of the Irish.

My fault, I guess...

I just didn't sabotage that
bloody motorcycle enough.

Next time, try

for a collarbone or
a wrist or something.

I'm a soldier, not a surgeon!

All right!

Forget it.

We got a problem.

Right.

Klink's leaving the hospital,

so how do we get in there
tonight to contact Zimmer?

It's simple... get somebody else

admitted to the hospital.

Somebody else?

Just who did you have in mind?

I'm busy.

And besides, I'm too healthy.

Well, who's going to
volunteer to jump off the roof?

Come on, guys, what's one
little broken leg for the w*r effort?

Sprained ankle?

Sore throat?

Anybody?

Would you like to pick
your own sickness?

It's no good.

Anyway, that hospital is
only for Luftwaffe officers.

They wouldn't
send any of us there.

LeBeau's right... we've had it.

Looks like we're dead.

Not dead, maybe a little sick.

What if we picked one of the
doctor's favorite diseases, huh?

We might get his interest.

How's that one sound?

"One of the rare diseases of
the far north is polaris extremis.

"It is found only among Eskimos.

"Symptoms are pain in
nerve endings in fingers,

"craving for greens in the diet,

peripheral motor vascular spasms
in anterior mandible cartilage."

Ho-ho... sounds a
bit naughty, doesn't it?

It's interesting, though.

Yeah, I think the butler did it.

A guy could get sick just
reading the symptoms.

All right, all right, come
on, come on... read it.

This is the important part.

Right, sir.

"Only known effective
treatment for polaris extremis

is extended bed
rest in hospital."

That's it.

I don't get it.

You don't, but I do.

Kinch, notify London tonight.

LeBeau, get out my old parka.

Newkirk, you're going
to the hospital with me.

You're going to bring
the message back.

Now, let's go over
the symptoms again.

Colonel, are you going to
get that polaris extremis?

That's right, Carter.

Boy, that's tough.

Why?

Well, I don't think your
insurance covers it.

You are fine now, Colonel,

but take it easy for
the next few days, ja?

Ja, ja, ja.

Come, come.

Ah, my uniform.

Good, good.

Ah, it's good to see you're
fully recovered, Colonel.

Iron constitution...

Clean living does it
every time, Schultz.

Hogan, what are you doing here?

Herr Kommandant,
please, I told him...

I had to come, Colonel.

I found the man responsible
for the motorcycle.

I want him to see
the pain and suffering

caused by his
criminal negligence.

You! In here.

Do you see what you've done?

Well, I've never been
any good, have I?

I've been a bad'n all me life.

I have a nephew like him.

It's terrible!

Shut up.

The men hoped you'd give him

severe punishment, sir.

I'll take care of
this at Stalag 13.

We certainly want
to thank you, Doctor,

for all that you've
done for him.

It's nothing.

By the way, as long as I'm here,

I thought you might...

Eskimo.

Oh, it's a little something
my mother made for me.

Helps fight off the cold.

What is it?

Oh, it's just the usual...

Peripheral motor
vascular spasms.

Are you all right now?

Mandible cartilage
kicking up again.

There is a lot of that
going around nowadays.

You know, I have always

been interested in Eskimo life.

Ja, I spent three years in
Alaska, near Anchorage.

Really?

Maybe you met my grandmother.

She was one of the
Anchorage Eskimos.

Ah.

I suppose not... big country.

Yes, yeah.

You know, I have written a book

about medicine in the Arctic.

Oh, really?

Uh, you... you have
pain in your fingertips?

No, it's not a problem,
just... just hangnails.

What was that you said
about mandible cartilages?

Oh, just the usual... peripheral
motor vascular spasms.

It's really not that bad...
I took a couple of aspirin.

You should drink
plenty of water.

Is it possible?

One moment, please.

Let me see here.

Motor vascular...
mandible cartilages...

Where is it?

Page 87.

Ja, ja.

There it is.

I knew there was something.

Colonel!

You have polaris extremis!

And I thought he
was just hungry.

What is this?

He has got to stay here.

Polaris extremis.

Hogan?

Impossible.

Herr Kommandant, you should see

his fingers and his stomach.

And he ate the doctor's plant.

Oh, he is a very sick man.

Are you sure, Doctor?

Absolutely... he must not leave.

You know, this is my very
first case of polaris extremis.

Well, if you really think so.

Ja, ja, ja.

Now, Schultz, you take
the other one, the criminal.

We're going back to camp.

Colonel, couldn't
he stay with me?

I mean, he's not much,
but... he is one of my kind.

Just in case.

I see absolutely no reason...

I came to be with you, and
now you deny me a friend?

Well, perhaps a few hours.

But that's all!

I am Major Zimmer.

Oh, yes.

Room 216, Major.

Danke.

Zimmer's here, sir.

He's in room 216
just down the hall.

Oh, Colonel Hogan.

Kommandant Klink wants me
to take Newkirk back to camp.

Thank you.

Do you feel better?

Oh, much better.

Much better.

Terrible.

Please, sir, you've had enough.

Could we be alone for a
few more minutes, Schultz?

Well, I...

I'm making out my
will... It's rather personal.

Oh, your will.

Well... ten minutes, hurry up.

Good, good.

Well, how do we get
in Zimmer's room?

The window?

There's no ledge,
I've checked it.

There's got to be a...

Get in bed, quick!

I'm on my way.

Schultz is out there, sir.

You just can't walk out.

That's right.

Why walk when I
can take the trolley?

Guten Tag.

Fruit juice, Colonel Hogan.

Oh, would you like me to
put your flowers in the water?

No, thanks, I'll eat them here.

Oh... oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, that's perfectly all right.

May I help you, please?

Oh, danke, Sergeant.

Mmm.

Major Zimmer?

Ja?

Here's some fruit juice for you.

I am your night nurse.

If you need anything,
just ring the bell

and I'll bring it
to you, all right?

Danke.

Zimmer.

Who are you?

Papa Bear, your contact.

Code name: Moonglow.

Come on, we
haven't got much time.

All right.

The battleship
Tirpitz is making a run

for the open sea tonight.

If she gets loose in
the Murmansk convoys,

they are finished.

They have got
to get her tonight.

I'm sorry, Colonel Hogan,
but I have to pick up Newkirk,

so if you will...

Where is Newkirk?

Where is Newkirk?!

Newkirk, where are you?!

Where is Newkirk,
Colonel Hogan, please...!

Oh...

Thank goodness.

For a minute I thought
you were not here.

Oh, I'm here.

This is me, all right, Schultz.

Good.

If it's you... where is he?

He who?

He Hogan, that's
he... I mean who.

Where were you, Schultz?

Fine guard you are.

You came out, I
came in, I didn't see...

Yeah. How come?

Can Newkirk
stay a little longer?

Absolutely not!

Come on, let's go!

All right, well,
here's the will.

Get it notarized and send it

to my lawyer in London.

Will do, sir.

Halt!

This man must not leave.

Your sickness may be contagious.

You are to stay here for a
few days under observation.

Right, it's a marvelous idea.

We'll start first
thing in the morning.

You must not leave this
room, and that is an order.

Well, that's it, we've had it.

We've got the
bloody information;

now we can't get
it back to camp.

Are you kidding?

I didn't get polaris
extremis for nothing.

We'll get it back.

How? Klink.

He got us here
in the first place,

he'll get us home again.

I didn't know you
Eskimos were so clever.

Colonel Klink's office.

Hello, Hilda?

This is Colonel Hogan.

It's for me, Colonel.

It's personal.

Yes?

Listen, I want you
to say my name...

Not too soft, not too loud.

Hogan?

We're escaping from
the hospital tonight...

Out the window.

I'll send you some nylon
stockings from England.

We're on our way.

I knew, I knew.

I've got him.

All right, leave it
there so they'll see it.

Right.

Herr Kommandant,
it must be a mistake.

Colonel Hogan
is a very sick man.

You watch, they'll
come out of that window.

But, Herr Kommandant,

their room is on the other side.

Nonsense, that's the one.

What was that?

A garbage can.

The things you
have to do these days

to make an unsuccessful escape.

Come on.

Shh!

Shh!

Shh!

You didn't have to do it twice!

I didn't do it twice.

You...

Halt!

There they are!

Don't take another step!

Good try, Hogan,
but not good enough.

Uh... we were just
out taking a walk.

Could we go back
to the hospital?

I don't feel well.

No more!

Oh, you can fool Schultz,
you can fool the doctors,

but you can't fool me, Hogan.

Your plan failed, do you hear?

It failed.

You are going back to
camp now, this instant.

How do you like that?

You win again.

How does he do it?
How does he do it?

It's uncanny, sir, uncanny.

Did you fix the
commandant's car?

LeBEAU: Boy, did I fix it.

Good.

Colonel Hogan!

Yes?

Colonel Hogan,
you're not resentful

because I prevented your
escape from the hospital, are you?

No, sir.

You wouldn't try to do anything

to get even, would you?

Never.

But you did know

I was taking a drive
this afternoon...

along the river
road... the steep hills?

Yes, sir.

I've changed my mind.

No. Changed your mind?

You are taking a
drive this afternoon.

Oh, no.

And you will sit where
I would have been.

Oh... I can't.

I'm restricted to
the motor pool.

The restriction
has been revoked.

Get in.

Schultz, drive!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Twice around the park, Schultz.

I thought you said
you fixed the car.

I did fix it.

It's perfect.