09x03 - A Comedy of Eros

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Murphy Brown". Aired: November 14, 1988 – May 18, 1998.*
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Murphy Brown is the star reporter of "FYI," a newsmagazine series.
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09x03 - A Comedy of Eros

Post by bunniefuu »

Hi. I'm murphy brown.
You must be...

Carl shafer
new secretary,

And I think you're going to be
very impressed.

Well, that's great.

I wonder, could you..?

Type up a letter
and make a copy for the file?

Be my pleasure.

Wow. I always...

Wanted a secretary

Who knew exactly
what you were thinking?

Well, you found her.

Well, that's wonderful.

When you finish that,
do you think you could?

Go see a plastic surgeon
about my huge, misshapen nose?

No. I just wanted you to...

Hang warning lights from my
ears

So I don't knock anybody over
with my enormous honker?

Stuff my nose with candy

So the neighborhood children
can bust it open like a pinata?

Oh, miss brown,
how could you!be so cruel?

Okay, that one was not my fault.

Morning, everyone.

What do you say we get
this story meeting started?

Oh, dear, poor frank
is late again?

I'm really getting concerned.

How can we help frank overcome
his problem with punctuality?

I know.
We can give him a wake-up call.

Or we could use
the buddy system--

One of us could
be responsible

For making sure he's
on time each morning.

Those are both really good ideas

But I was thinking
of something more electronic.

Something that gould be inserted
in his neck.

Something
with a couple thousand volts

That would snap his head back,
throw open his jaw...

Maybe leave him
with a permanent facial tick.

You know, something that says,
"hey, frank, we really care."

Anyway, I'll be
in my office.

When he comes in,
give me a buzz.

(Laughs)

"A buzz."

I'll see you guys.

Be back in minutes

Frank, where
are you going?

We're supposed to be having
a story meeting.

Did you ever have
one of those days

Where something happens

And you know it's going
to change your life forever?

I found a $ bill
by the vending machines.

Really? I lost one
around there.

That's funny.

I found

A susan b. Anthony
dollar in the lobby.

I lost one there.
Let me see it.

Hey, hey, guys,
actually

What I was going to say is

I'm having a play produced.

What did you say?

A play that I wrote

Is being produced.

What do you think?

Not again.

You swore you
would never...

Okay, okay, listen.

I know the one-act
I wrote a few years ago...

It wasn't very good,
but believe me

This time, I made sure I didn't
repeat the same mistakes.

You mean like
not deleting

The entire thing
from your computer

And then pouring salt
on the hard drive

So nothing will ever
grow there again?

Fine, you make your little jokes

But apparently
the ashley theater

Thinks my new play's
pretty good.

The ashley
theater is one

Of the finest regional theaters
in the country.

Your play?

Yes. In fact,

They liked it so much,
they actually bumped

A newly discovered samuel
beckett manuscript to stage it.

Your play?!

Wow. The ashley theater.

Shows go to broadway
from there.

Did they read it?

Yes, they read it!

Well, I'm sure it's
wonderful, frank.

Congratulations.

I'm happy for you,
too, frank.

Me too. Are you
sure they read it?

I've got to go meet
with my director.

Can you guys cover for me?

If kay finds out
I'm spending work time on this

It could shut
the whole thing down.

No problem.
We'll take care of it.

Thanks, guys.
You are going to love it.

It's / hours long,
but it's so riveting

You won't even notice
there's no intermission.

So, any word from frank?

He's at his play.
He's doing his play.

Better shut it down.

"You never know from one moment
to the next

"What life has in store for you.

"There was a thin layer of snow
covering the n.y.u. Campus

"The first day I met dana.

"I had just taken my seat
in freshman english

"When from behind me
came a voice.

The words fell upon my ears
like gentle kisses."

"Can I borrow a pencil?"

Thank you!

For god's sake, frank,
what was wrong with her?

I don't know, george.

She's just lacking a certain...

(Growls)

What did you think
of her, murphy?

I thought she was perfect...

Just like the last
were perfect.

Oh, come on, murphy,
you weren't even looking.

You're here to give me
a second opinion.

No, frank, I'm here
because you drove me in today

And I didn't have
another way to get home--

Not that it hasn't been riveting
spending the last three hours

Willing myself to die.

Look, I told you guys
this play is based on my life

And the part of dana
is critical.

She was my first love...
The one that got away.

That's why..
That's why it's crucial

The actress who plays dana
has to have that certain...

I don't know.

(Both growl)

Exactly! What do you say
we just... We keep going?

Who knows?

Maybe this next one
could be our dana.

Go ahead, trent.

"You never know
from one..."

Thank you.

Come on, frank.
You didn't even let her speak.

Well, I know, but she just
didn't have any... Any aura.

Could you do it again?

This time... With aura?

"You never know..."
Thank you!

What?! She had aura!

She was oozing aura.

Tell him, murphy.

Oh, she was dripping aura.

In fact, she was practically
sitting in a big puddle of aura.

You hear that,
frank?

A puddle!

Well, I am sorry,
I just didn't see it.

I don't think
she was right.

And, george, george--
it's not just the aura.

Our dana's eyes have to burn

With the intensity
of a thousand suns.

A thousand suns, frank.

Well, you know,
give or take a sun or two.

All right, let's take five.

Don't worry, george.
We're going to find a dana.

(Whimpering):
we're not going
to find a dana.

I don't mean to tell you
how to do your job

I mean, it only took you five
minutes to cast the role of you.

Yeah, well, look at him.

He is frank!

Oh, man, this
is hopeless.

I've got to leave tonight to
cover the uprising in chiapas.

I'm never going
to cast this part.

You know, this is so typical
of my life.

I get this close to finding
what I really want

And everything falls apart.

Oh, now, frank,
that's not true.

Usually you don't
even get this close.

Okay, frank, why don't you have
george handle it?

He looks like he knows
what he's doing.

Murph, please.

He fought me on trent.

No, no, no, no.

Someone who...

You know what? I'll walk home.

What do you say? I'll be back
by the end of the week.

All you have to do is just
keep an eye on george.

Maybe oversee things
a little bit.

Geez, frank, it
would be one thing

If you were asking me
to water your plants.

Even then I'd tell you
I'd watered them

But I'd just let them die.

You're the only one
besides me who can do this.

Will you help me
find our dana?

I don't know, frank.

All right,
this is diane.

I saw her in
sweet charity.

Murph?

Thank you.

What was wrong
with her?

Not enough suns.

Thank you for calling back,
dr. Brockway.

I just need you to verify
one quote for my story.

According to
an f.d.a. Official...

(Ringing)

Could you hold for one second?
Sorry.

Hello?

Frank:
murph, it's me again.

The government forces
seem to have stopped shelling.

(expl*si*n)

Guess not.

Anyway, about the curtains
for the living room scene...

Geez, would you keep
your head down?

And stop calling me.

I've got a story to finish.

You said you'd take care
of the play for me.

You said you'd be back
by the end of this week.

Well, you know...

(expl*si*n)

Oh, damn!
My dad gave me that watch.

Anyway, about the curtains?
I'm thinking chintz.

Frank, look, I'll take care
of the play.

You just be careful.

Doctor brockway, I'm sorry.
I just...

Hello, doctor brockway?

Oh, great.

Ted, could you get
doctor brockway

On the phone again?

I can't believe
I agreed to help frank

With his stupid play.

You wouldn't be
calling it stupid

If you'd bothered to read it.

I found it to be
a sensitive, emotional story

Of a man's lost love...

Which is surprising, considering
it was written by a guy

That trims his nose hair
with the office scissors.

It really is quite good,
slugger.

Reading it brought to mind
my first love.

How the flame
of that young passion

Continues to burn...

Growing deeper and deeper
with the years.

That's so sweet.

Doris?

Yes, let's call her doris.

Murphy?

Doctor brockway
on line three.

Oh, great.

Doctor brockway,
I'm sorry about that.

Now, I just...

You! Don't move.

Shh! I just need...

I just...

You have not returned
a phone call.

You have canceled

Every casting...

We don't have a dana!

(Murmuring)

You won't come
to casting...

I've brought
casting to you.

Go ahead, trent.

"When from behind me
came a voice.

"The words fell
upon my ears

Like gentle kisses."

"Could I borrow a pencil?"

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Is she listening?

I don't think
she's listening.

All right, that's it.

I quit.

Thank you,
very much.

Okay, good-bye.

George, wait.

Forget it, blondie.

I know I haven't
been there for you

But as of now, I'm all yours.

Well, I suppose
if I can forgive isaac mizrahi

For brutally snubbing me
at his last party

I can certainly forgive you.

Murphy, if you're finished
with your f.d.a. Story

I need to talk to you.

Kay, this is the director
of frank's play

And he deserves
my full and undivided attention.

Okay, maybe barbara walters

Would like to introduce
diana ross tonight

At the kennedy center.

Excuse me, george.

This woman is my boss,
and she deserves

My full and undivided
attention.

Well, for some
strange reason

They want you to host
the evening's events

And they need you down
there immediately.

Let me get my coat.

Whoa, she's not
going anywhere.

She has got a little
casting to do.

That's right.
What was I thinking?

You and your friend here

Are bringing the epic story
of frank's life to the stage

And how could introducing
a musical legend

To the leader of the free world

Possibly compare
to the thrill and spectacle

Of dramatizing
frank's first boom-boom?

Kay, wait! I can do
this play stuff anytime.

No. Go ahead, trent.

"I had just..."

Hold it, big fella.

Why don't we
do this tomorrow?

I'll give you the whole
morning, just you and me.

...and my nail lady.
I have a manicure tomorrow.

I cannot cancel that.

We're going to deal
with this right now.

"The words fell
upon my ears

Like gentle
kisses"-- go.

"Can I borrow a pencil?"

Well?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I don't know,
and I don't care

About any of this.

Cast this one,
cast that one--

Cast yourself, for all I care.

Just leave me
the hell out of it.

What are you saying?

I'm saying

"Leave me the hell out of it."

I don't want anything to do
with this stupid play.

Kay, I really want to do this,
but I won't beg.

Okay, I'll beg. Don't make me
beg, though. I really don't...

Hey, guys.
Any sign of frank?

I haven't seen him.

I certainly hope
he makes it.

I'm just glad he made it

Out of chiapas
in one piece.

It would have
really been a shame

If he had gotten
his head blown off

Before he saw what a great job
I did with his play.

Enough of this charade.

You haven't lifted
a finger since frank left.

And look how well it turned out.

What you non-theater people
fail to understand

Is that the key to mounting
a successful production--

That's what we call it,
"mounting a production"--

Is to delegate
authority.

Do you really think
andrew lloyd webber

Paints the whiskers
on the face of every cat?

I don't think so.

That may be true, but I'll bet
he pokes his head into the theater
every now and, then

Just to make sure
there's a play going on.

Frank!

Thank god you made it.

Wow! This is my play.

Do you believe
this turnout?

Thanks, murph, you really
came through for me.

What can I say?

You put your faith
in the right person.

Before the show.

What is it this time?

He probably wants me
to direct the darn thing.

Hey, you know, he probably
doesn't even know I'm here.

I'll go down with you.

Hey, frankie!

Jerry! Grandma
louisa! You made it!

Uh, cousin jerry,
grandma louisa

I'd like you
to meet murphy brown.

Hi. You should be
very proud of frank.

Oh, I am.

Come here, frankie.

Eh...

Ow!

What was that for?

Why can't you be more
like your cousin frankie?

He writes plays.
You write bad checks.

Ow!

(Chimes tinkling)

Listen, I've got to run
backstage for a minute.

Jerry, make sure
grandma louisa

Gets a seat.

Frank, why don't you
go with them?

I'll run backstage.

You sure you don't mind?

Why not? I've done
everything else

Around here.

Run these sound cues
up to the booth.

Go! You're not
moving. Move it!

George, if you were
going to apologize

For what happened in the office
last week, forget it.

No, actually, I wanted
to talk to you.

You know how much trouble
we had finding a dana?

I've decided to go
a different way.

How different?

Pretty different.

Eyeliner.

When you say "pretty different"
you mean, what?

Like, you decided
to go with a redhead
or something?

No, it's more radical than that.

How much more radical?

I'm playing dana.

You're not playing dana.

I'm... Playing dana.

Oh, god.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Look, I tried to call you

But you wouldn't
return my calls.

You could have left a message.

"Murphy, dana's a man.
Love, george."

Trust me, I would have
gotten back to you!

I couldn't find a dana

And then I remembered
what you said--

"Cast yourself
for all I care"

And then suddenly--
everything clicked.

Okay, new plan.

I'll play dana.

"Can I borrow a pencil?"

"Let's study in your room."

"Maybe it's the weed
talking, frank

But you're the grooviest guy
I ever met."

Oh, god, who am I kidding?!

Not even a five-time emmy winner
could make that believable!

One minute!

Ready?

Ready.

Oh, god!

Frank.

Frank, we got to talk!

Oh, hey, murph.

Murph, look who's here--
the real dana.

I sent her
an invitation.

Would you believe it?
She actually showed up.

Oh, god.

Hi, murphy.

For everything tonight.

No, I didn't do a thing, really.
Not a thing-- nothing.

Good evening.

The ashley theater is proud

To present life changes

An original play
by francis x. Fontana.

Hey... Frankie!

And we are honored to have
the author

Here with us tonight.

(Chuckling)

Uh... Whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey.

Listen, um,
thank you all for coming.

As you know, this play
is based on my life.

Loosely, it's loosely
based on his life.

Anyway, if I've
done my job right

I think you'll see a side of me
that you've never seen before.

Anyway, enjoy and, uh...

God bless.

Frank! I...

Shh.

Down in front!

Aw, shut up.

Trent:
you never know
from one moment to the next

What life has
in store for you.

There was a thin layer of snow
covering the n.y.u. Campus

The first day I met dana.

I had just taken my seat
in freshman english

When a voice
came from behind me.

The words fell
upon my ears

Like gentle kisses.

George:
can I borrow
a pencil?

I feel so lost
and alone.

You're shivering.

Come sit with me
by the fire.

Take off those
wet clothes.

(Whimpering)

Hey... Are
they both men?

Did i... Hurt you?

Frank...

You are an animal.

I got to get out of here.

I can't breathe.

Move it!

Frank, are you okay?

You were in there
an awful long time.

What were you doing?

Crying, hyperventilating

Trying to knock myself out
with the toilet seat--

You know, normal
bathroom stuff.

What did you think
I was doing?

I don't know. I thought
maybe you met someone.

See? Isn't it nice that
we can laugh about it

Now that some
time has passed?

Murph, the play
is still going on.

Come back
to bed.

How could you sabotage
my play like this?

I told you how important
this night was to me.

Okay, frank, I dropped the ball.

I'm sorry.

Great! You're sorry.

Well, you know what?

Sorry won't cut it this time.

How could you do
this to me, murph?

I k*lled myself
to get this play just right

So people might get something

From the heartache
I went through

But you?.. You just
ruined everything.

(Applause)

Mr. Fontana!

Thank you.

That was the truest

Most genuine experience
I've ever had...

In the theater.

Hey, uh...

Thanks, you know, really.

That means a lot.

How dare you!

You say you're
my friend.

Into another friend's heart
and rip it right out.

And worst of all

You sat there and allowed
my friends and family,

To watch this train wreck.

Frankie... Frankie,
I loved your play

And I love you no matter
who or what you are.

Well, thanks,
grandma louisa, but...

Frankie, you got me to face
the truth within myself.

I... Am a bookie.

Ow!

Well, well, well, I think,

We all learned
something surprising

About you tonight, frank...

That you're
a darn fine writer.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

Yeah. That was
wonderful, frank.

You proved that love is love
in any language.

Although, I think
this particular dialect

May be illegal
in five southern states.

Gee, frank, all
these people gushing

About how great you are
is a little distracting.

Why don't we go someplace quiet

So you can tell me more
about how I ruined your play?

Big deal.
So the audience liked it.

That's not my point.

That is the point, frank.

You set out to reach
people, and you did that.

You touched people's
lives tonight.

How often do you get
a chance to do that?

Hey, frank.

Hi, dana.

Frank, that was...

Fascinating.

Look, i-i know that that was
very confusing for you...

Oh, no, no, no.

I understood completely.

It was all about how much
you cared about me.

Yeah.

And how, all these years,
you wished

That things had worked out
between the two of us.

Yeah.

You get it.

She gets it.

It sort of
makes me wish

That you and I could...

Start all over again.

It does?

Yeah.

Too bad you're gay.

I'm not... I'm not gay.

Where did you get "gay"?

Well, let's see.

Your play was
autobiographical

And it was a love story
between two men

And you were one of the men.
And well, I'm sorry,

But it all leads
back to gay, frank.

Oh... It's really very simple.
I can explain it.

You see, what happened...

Uh...

Tell her, murph.
Tell her how simple it is.

Oh, yeah. It's simple.

Frank's not gay.

He's not?

(Laughing)
no.

Frank dates a lot of women.

I mean, he comes into the office
every day

Boasting about another one
of his conquests.

In fact, frank dates
so many women...

Thanks, murph.
I'll take it from here.

Trust me, frank's not gay.
I know. I mean, I don't know...

Thanks, murph.

You know, frank,
that was a...

A really great play.

We were, um...

Well, we were really in love
back then, weren't we?

Were we ever.

Um...

Hey, would you, uh...

You want to maybe
go get a bite to eat

Or something?

I'd like that.

Frank?

Frank, you, boy chick,
you're a genius!

Uh, george...

I'd like you to meet...

Dana.

Oh...

You're the real dana.

Nice to meet you.

I see what you
mean, frank.

"A thousand suns."

Exactly.

Oh...
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