01x04 - Moola

[bunniefuu]

Mo, you weren't bullshitting
about your mother's olive oil.

That's the best stuff
I've ever eaten in my life.

Tried to tell you.

Son of a bitch.

That looks like real olives. Got GPS, huh?

Sure does. And once it leaves the farm,
it'll just send you a signal.

- Hm.
- Mm-hm.

Just like that.

You look like you're wiring a b*mb.

'Cause I'm Arab?

No. Hell no. That just popped in my head.

If Manny was doing this,
you'd be thinking the same thing?

Why would Manny be wiring a b*mb?

That's what I'm…

Unbelievable.

Why are you all dressed up?

- Shila's seen you naked more than I have.
- Because we played college volleyball?

Yeah. Those women's locker rooms.

Bunch of topless girls.
Group showers. I've seen those movies.

Filthy movies
made by sick men.

- How do I look?
- Fantastic.

- I just need her to take me seriously.
- She knows you're legit.

- She's been to your shop.
- She calls it cute.

Like I got a lemonade stand or something.

Oh.

I do not wanna beg her and Glen for money.

Then don't.

Let me get the cash,
and I'll take care of you.

You wanna help?

Just don't sell all this sh*t
and come with me to handle Glen, please?

Oh, the filthy rich White guy
who started a blues band as a hobby?

Filthy enough to get
a six million dollar mansion.

g*dd*mn. Six million?

By the way, please promise me
you'll get there as soon as you can.

- Yeah.
- The party starts at one.

- I wanna pitch it to her before then.
- All right, I'll be there.

I'll sell these watches and head over.
It'll be great. Come here.

You'll do great.
You're gonna do f*cking amazing.

Come on. Get it together. You got this.

Come on. Go.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Hi

- The house is amazing. Incredible.
- Thank you so much for coming!

Shila, this is not a house,
this is a castle.

Yeah, I wanted to remodel it
before we moved in, but, ugh, Glen…

Where is Glen?

Oh, band practice. He's playing at some
big crypto conference thing next week.

Bit coin and blues, huh?

Don't, it's embarrassing.

But the blues make him happy, so…

Shall I show you around?

Please.

Ah, thank you for coming.

♪ I'm living paycheck to paycheck ♪

♪ Trying to pay the rent ♪

♪ Crackers thinkin' I'm a sl*ve forever ♪

♪ They got me bent ♪

♪ I'm about to pull a move ♪

♪ 'Bout to rob one of 'em blind ♪

♪ Let me call my partner Zero
And see what's on his mind ♪

♪ When I'm goin' thru a thang, G ♪

♪ I really need to make 'em change, G ♪

What the f...

sh*t.

sh*t!

What's up, man?

Uh, I'm Mo.

I'm here to meet Dante.
AJ sent me. You know AJ?

Let me see you!

There you go.

Stay tight. Stay tight.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mom's in the crib!
There it is! There it is!

Ooh! Watch your stance. Watch your stance.

Yo, what's up, man. I'm Mo.

Dante.

That's my fighter right there.
f*ck him up, Shiv!

Earn that purse, baby!

Damn, his name is Shiv?
It's like stabbing, bro? That's wild, man.

He's dirty.

You know he's a bad m*therf*cker.
Look at his ears. He's got them MMA ears.

Them calcified cauliflower ears.
Looks like a pit bull chewed on them hoes.

Can he even hear me?
Yo, Shiv! You an assh*le!

He can hear. My bad. I was just joking.
Just playing. Tell him.

You good, bro. Come on.
What you got, watch man?

First batch.

Bam. Look at that.
I got Bulova, Dayton as. Bam. Look at that.

- Got the Rolex with the bezel.
- Oh, sh*t, hold on.

- With the fluted bezel. What's up?
- Don't trip. I gotta take my insulin.

You good, bro?

- Want something to drink?
- Yeah, I'd love something to drink.

- Big Red, Redbull?
- Big Red would be great.

It'd be refreshing.
It's hotter than a m*therf*cker in here.

- You don't even use an alcohol swab, bro?
- f*ck that.

- We're thugging right here.
- Thank you, bro.

- Thugs can be hygienic as well.
- We got him.

He's here?

Want me to tell our boy to bounce?

No, he can stay.

We'll make it a two-for-one.

Whoo!

Good work, Shiv. Good work!

You good, baby. You good.

Go throw back some raw eggs
or something.

- Like Rocky, yeah.
- Yeah, like Rocky.

Watch man.

- You stay here.
- Stay what? Where?

Uh…

What?

Um…

Yo, man. Look, look…
I can just come back some other time.

- You're busy.
- No, you're good. Don't trip.

- Come on. Show me the watches.
- No, don't worry.

Call me Stevie Wonder.
I don't see anything.

I've never snitched in my life.
I'll come back tomorrow.

Show me the watches!

Okay.

Still want that Big Red? Take a sip.

Go ahead.

I know it's too big
for just the two of us. But…

Glen really wanted a zoo.

You have a zoo?

Just a small one.

Oh.

Don't feel bad for living in a dope house.

Plus, I've always wanted
a friend with a pool.

This house, it's not just for us.

It's about giving back to our friends,

to our community.

We'll host so many fundraisers here.

Which is why I thought you'd want
to invest in a small local business.

- Like my shop.
- Oh, no. Is it going under?

No. No, no, no.

We're actually doing so well,
we're turning away clients.

So, I wanna open a second shop.

Ah!

Maria, the boss lady!

It's adorable.

I thought before Glen arrives,
I'd show you the business plan...

Hey, honey! Look who I found.

Maria! ¿Qué pasa?

- Hi.
- Bam.

I love it
when you speak Spanish.

- So what's this plan, Maria?
- Tell us about the plan.

Hm.

Yeah, I mean,
these are all perpetual motion.

- Is that sh*t waterproof?
- Yeah, I mean, it's water-resistant.

- I wouldn't go scuba...
- Shut the f*ck up!

You want me to put another piece
of tape on your f*cking nostrils?

I'm sorry, bro. He's mad inconsiderate.
What were you saying?

- He's so rude.
- f*cking assh*le.

So, it's like I said, this is a perpetual.
Just shake it. You don't need a battery.

Oh, sh*t.

Look, bro. I really can't do this.
I got an asylum case coming up.

You know what I mean?
I'll just take this here, all right?

- And I'm just gonna... I've seen CSI.
- CSI.

I'm just gonna wipe off my fingerprints.

- You know, for DNA purposes.
- Of course.

I've seen how they work.

- Thank you. I'll be back. I got you. Huh?
- Hey, hey.

I mean…

I could hang out too. You know?

We could just…
watch TV or something.

Don't wanna know what that guy do?

No, I don't think
you should tell me anything.

A couple of months ago,
I got a dispute with a business rival.

Things got heated, and I ended up

with a Megan Thee Stallion situation
regarding my foot.

No, I don't. I love Megan.
Not the Stallion!

We both know I can't go to the hospital.

- I can relate.
- Right?

So I call this guy here,
and I pay him cash to patch me up.

He does his thing, hands me a bottle
of codeine and tells me I'm good to go.

Not three weeks later,
I'm in the hospital,

a doctor telling me
they gotta amputate my leg.

You know why?

No.

Because this m*therf*cker f*cked it up!

Chien?

You know him?

Glen, is it really necessary
for her to pitch you?

No, no. This is good. I want you both
to feel like this is a smart investment.

- These are your financial projections?
- Yes.

Plus balance sheets,
income statements, and cash flow

for the past three years all in here.

Oh wow, look at you, business lady.

This isn't gap-compliant.

- Why aren't you using accrual accounting?
- Glen, she's not a Wharton MBA.

We're a small business.
So, cash basis makes it easier to plan.

If the numbers are solid,
why not go to a bank?

Um…

My dad, he…

Took out a bunch of credit cards
under my name and f*cked up my credit.

Hmm…

The only way to clear it,
would be to press charges against him.

- I'm just not really ready to do that.
- Is he still drinking?

One time, he went into the court
in a game and b*at up the mascot.

It was a dragon.

We were disqualified from finals.

Oh, but that's like, no reflection
on you or anything.

It's these types of things
that make us stronger.

Right. Um, I'm gonna use
your restroom quickly.

- Okay.
- Uh, where is it?

There's one in every corner.
You'll find it.

Okay.

Look, Dante…

As a fully-limbed, able-body individual,

I can't speak
to what it's like to lose a leg.

It's brutal, bro.

Okay?

I ain't got no foot.
And yet my foot itches.

Explain that sh*t!

I get it. Sometimes I don't have a phone
in my pocket, but I feel the vibrations.

It's completely different situation,
obviously.

Maybe I should chop off his foot
so he knows how I feel.

Bobo, get the saw.

No, Bobo don't get the saw, Bobo.

Or just take a pinky!

You don't wear pinky rings anyway.

Look, just take all the watches, bro.
All of them. And let's call that even.

You think my foot is worth
a bunch of fake watches?

They're high-end replicas.
Only the trained eye...

I want justice!

- Get it from the guy who sh*t you!
- Oh, I did.

And I got a souvenir off of it.

Dipped and dyed in his blood.

Look at your face, man.
This doesn't even look like blood, bro.

Yeah.

But, I k*lled him though.

Real slow.

There has to be a way
to talk about this.

Yo, boss!

How about I untie you
and throw you at them, and I run?

Maria?

- Who's Maria? Your girl?
- My massage therapist.

Oh, really?

No, my massage therapist.
I got a crick in my neck...

Maybe I should answer.
You look tense.

Go ahead. She'll help you out.

Let me get this off. Is that cool?

- He's not going anywhere. He's tied up.
- Hey…

You're diabetic?

Yeah. So?

A diabetic with a foot injury?

Yo, that's a legit comorbidity, man.

That means it requires serious aftercare.
Come on, how was I supposed to know?

You should've asked, Doctor.

What kind of practice
do you think I'm running here?

I don't have intake forms
for you to fill out.

Yeah, he's right.
Look, I have a walnut allergy.

If I go to a restaurant,
I don't tell the waiter I have an allergy,

and he brings me a salad with walnuts,
I won't go back and sh**t the waiter.

Exactly.

- Shut the f*ck up.
- Shut the f*ck up. What's wrong with you?

Him not asking about
your diabetes can't be a capital offense.

Look, Chien has a business.

Why don't you take 10%
over the next two years.

- He'll pay you monthly.
- No, what?

- Three years. 15%.
- Deal.

Plus a piece of your business. Same terms.

Man, f*ck that!

Uh…

Just saying it's not fair.

Oh, you think you're working
some kind of harmless hustle?

Ripping off Rolex or Versace?

Hmm? That fake sh*t is made
by kids in sweatshops

owned by gangsters way worse than me.

Man, you're wearing sweatshop sh*t,
he is, I am. We're all sweat shopping it!

- What's your girl's name?
- Shanice.

Maria.

No, man, I told you. Maria is
my massage therapist. It's Shanice.

Chien, you know that bitch?

- This is bullshit.
- Hey…

In this country,
you're either one or the other.

And I'm the bull.

Maria.

We've been talking.

And it's clear how much
hard work you've put into this.

And we'd love to help you out.

Really?

You don't have to do this right away.
I can show you more financials...

We're sure.

Thank you.
Thank you so much. Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Thank you. Oh. Well. Dab.

We haven't discussed terms,
but I'm ready to pay market price.

Stop. We're just so happy
to help someone like you.

Thank you.

And I'll draw up
a repayment schedule ASAP.

In the meantime, if you need anything,

anything at all,
please let me know. I mean it.

Actually, there is something.

Hey, babe. I'm so sorry I'm late.

How did it go?

- They're lending me the money.
- What?

- Amazing. See?
- Yes.

- Business speaks for itself.
- It does. It happened so fast.

- "Thanks for popping by."
- Oh, you like that?

I made it up myself.

Oh, my gosh. These look amazing.

When you're done, can you go around
the bathrooms and light scented candles?

Thank you so much.
You're a lifesaver. Talk soon. Bye.

She has you packaging popcorn
and refreshing bathrooms? What's that?

They let me borrow a 100k.

I can help a little bit with her party.

If you get a loan at Chase Bank,
you don't clean floors and dishes.

Can you just be happy for me, please?

I'm sorry.
I've just been really stressed out.

Why?

What happened?

Nothing. Sameer. Meow Munch is going
out of business, and he's hysterical.

You know they got a zoo?
I saw some anorexic raccoons.

They're lemurs.

Oh.

Like my lemurs, Mo?

Yeah, if I had your crypto money,
I'd probably get a tiger or something.

Nah, lemurs are an endangered species.

Pretty much refugees.

How's that reggae band going, Greg?

We play the blues. And it's Glen.

Oh, you do? I wasn't sure
on which appropriation it was.

Well, we have a Black bassist,
so it's not really appropriation.

I'm just busting balls, Greg.

- Glen. Maria's business is thriving, huh?
- Oh, man. She's k*lling it.

And she says you're…

Picking olives now.

I'm just glad we could help her out
since you couldn't.

Yeah.

Let me ask you something. You have money
but can't afford a nice watch?

This is a Rolex.

Yeah, you wish it was a Rolex.
It's a fake.

Could've gotten you a better deal
on a Harwin. It rattles, chrome-plated,

It's not even sweeping. It's not even on.
It's not even kinetic energy.

- Get out of here. You got duped.
- It came with a certificate.

How about I get you a certificate?
Says certified assh*le on there.

P.S. Go f*ck yourself.

Yeah, all right. I'll go f*ck myself.
In my six-million-dollar house.

- Don't touch my lemurs.
- Don't touch me.

Why don't you go f*ck your sheep?

…at our anniversary.

They need so much strength to hit balls.
How do you train for something like that?

I play libero. I play the back line.

- Right
-You're setter, a digger...

Maria, can you check
on the tomato puffs for me?

I'll let you know my guy.

That dish is so finicky.

Oh, my God. You read my mind.
Thank you.

Mmm.

Just like old times, isn't it?

Maria, the boss lady
and Shila hosting parties.

Except I'm not shitfaced
in the bathroom. Yet.

You okay?

Yeah.

I just thought back there, you…

Tell me in front of your friends
to check on the oven was kind of…

Asking you to check on the puffs?

In front of your friends.

I'm sorry. I didn't want
to pull you aside to have a conversation

about checking on the puffs.

They could've b*rned.

T's not just the puffs.
It's… the condescension.

You know, like, "She's not a Wharton MBA."

- But, you're not.
- I'm not dumb either.

Sometimes it feels
like you treat me like your charity case.

I'm sorry. But you came,
asked me for money so I gave it to you.

I didn't ask you for money.
Shila, I asked you to invest with me.

I'm not trying to make money off of you.
I don't need your money.

I… was trying to be a kind-hearted person.

Like you're donating
to your cleaning lady?

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry I asked you
to check on the puffs, okay?

- I didn't know you'd develop a complex.
- It's not just the puffs, okay?

It's you giving me hand-me-downs.
Never letting me pay for my own stuff.

Well, excuse me for trying to be nice.

Being nice is buying me dinner
on my birthday. Okay?

Not treating me like I'm on welfare.

But it's nice to show up here
and treat me like a f*cking bank?

Shila, what's Jerry's number?
I can't find it anywhere.

- Call Jerry. Get your 15k back.
- What's going on?

- Eric Tr*mp bought a fake Rolex.
- It's not. Jerry is a reputable jeweler.

Sweetie, it's fine. He doesn't know
what a real one looks like.

If he could, Maria wouldn't be here
begging us for money.

Pendeja, keep your money.
Find another minority to donate to.

What? Bitch, I'm Indian!

You haven't been Indian since 2009.

And you. I hope lemurs sneak up on you
in the middle of the night

and just g*ng bang your ear.

And you have little lemur babies
sprouting from your ear holes.

Piece of sh*t.

You're the most Indian person
I know, babe.

That's how they all see me.

Low-class, secondhand-everything,
Mexican girl who's never gonna do sh*t.

- I got a place to take you.
- Can we just go home? Please.

It's peaceful,
and it'll change the whole vibe.

Here's some popcorn. Gonna be a long ride.

- You stole their popcorn?
- It's party favors.

Everybody takes party favors.

It's beautiful, right?

You know what I see when I see this?
A little piece of home in Houston.

- Houston's not home?
- Of course, Houston is.

I have another home I can't go to yet.

You know you're living the dream?

You're doing what you love.
You have your own business.

- f*cking k*lling it.
- Just doesn't feel that way.

Why? Because your dad screwed you over?

Because Shila's of the world don't see it?

f*ck them. I see it.

You're amazing.

Strong-ass woman
running your own business.

I love you.

You understand? Come here.

- Imagine the life we could have together.
- A life with kids.

Of course, your Mexican, I'm Palestinian,

biologically impossible
not to have at least six kids.

Have a big ass house. No zoo though.
I'm not buying you a f*cking zoo.

Just a big enough house for the kids,
my mom and brother.

- They're gonna live with us?
- Of course.

No, no, no, don't go.
You ain't going anywhere.

No, you can't get away from me, no.

Yeah, you'd be out there
selling slabs and sh*t.

My mom and my brother
would help with the kids.

- I'll be the GM of the Houston Rockets.
- When?

I have to work my way up
in the organization.

- Probably start off scouting.
- No, I mean the family.

When?

Soon.

You promise?

Of course.

I got you.

- Is this a two-step? I don't even...
- I don't know what you're doing.

Doesn't matter, it works.

I'm getting tired.
Shouldn't someone be here?

Let's get out of here
before someone sees us. Come on.

Vámonos, más rápido. Vámonos.