05x01 - Hogan Goes Hollywood

[bunniefuu]

You've come back.

You've come back alive.

Oh, darling, darling.

It was just a routine flight.

But it's over now. All over.

Your 50 missions
are up, my darling.

You're safe.

No, my dear.

I've got to fly tomorrow,

and the next day and the next.

Until it's really
over everywhere.

You do see that. Don't you?

You big lug.

I guess that's why I love you.

Light, light, lights.

Yes, Herr Kommandant.

And now perhaps Hogan
and you others are wondering

how I'm able to show you
this latest product of Hollywood.

Well, partially
it's due, of course,

to my generosity.

Let's hear it for
his generosity!

Marvelous! We're very grateful!

Thank you.

But... an equal
share of the credit

must go to the all-conquering
German Luftwaffe.

You see, an Allied
plane carrying this film

strayed over our sacred borders

and was, of course,
sh*t down immediately.

Everybody's a critic.

I suppose, Hogan, that
was meant to be a witticism.

Well, as a serious student of
the cinema, let me assure you,

that the acting of Byron Buckles

transcends all
cultural barriers.

Exactly! Herr Kommandant.

Never have I slept
less in any picture.

Thank you, Schultz.

Yeah, nice talking
to you, Commandant.

We watched your movie.
That's enough for one night.

Not quite!

Gentlemen.

It is always been my dream
to record with a camera,

for the whole world to see,
the true story of Stalag 13.

The humane treatment.

The total acceptance by the
prisoners of the New Order.

And now, to use
a film vernacular,

I am just about ready to...

roll them!

Yeah, yeah. Fine.

Thanks for the news
item, Commandant.

Any other flashes for us?

Yes, just one more.

Schultz! Bring in
the new prisoner.

Immediately, Herr Kommandant.

This new prisoner,
Hogan, was sh*t down,

along with the film
that you have just seen.

I've had some
talks with him today

about my own little
cinematic project.

And I'm pleased
to announce to you,

that he has indicated
his total cooperation.

Gentlemen, may I present
Major Byron Buckles.

Hello, chaps. Anyone
for autographs?

Why couldn't they
sh**t down Lana Turner?

Well, we just
can't let him do it.

I mean, how's it going to look?

America's sweetheart making a
propaganda movie for the Nazis?

Colonel Hogan will
think of something.

I have confidence.

The trouble with Colonel Hogan,

is he's too soft-hearted.

If America's
sweetheart is a traitor,

we've got to do away
with America's sweetheart.

Right, Carter?

I pretend I'm taking a picture

but instead, inside the camera,

I've got a .37-millimeter
cannon, sawed off.

You don't think
that's a little messy?

Oh.

I'm glad you're all here.
We've got a problem.

Right, sir!

How about putting some
cobra venom in his cologne?

What are you
talking about, Carter?

The movie star, Byron Buckles.

We'll take care of him, sir.

Who cares about him?

We've got more important stuff.

Kinch and I been
down in the radio room.

London's on to us
to blow up that bridge

20 miles south of here.

There's too much flak for
the bombers to get through.

Yeah, and so many
troops around here

we can't get through.

Anybody got any ideas?

Hey, how about an
exploding fountain pen, sir?

What is it with you, Carter?

Oh, boy.

Colonel Hogan! A matter
of great importance.

Later, Schultz.

Hmm. Now. Will the
prisoner please come in?

Danke.

Carry on, men. I don't
intend to stand on rank.

For your information, Buckles,
a colonel outranks a major.

Colonel Hogan.

Kommandant Klink has
placed Major Buckles

under my personal
and special protection.

I'm directly responsible that
nothing, absolutely nothing,

happens to Major Buckles.

Nothing is going to
happen to Major Buckles?

Of course not, Schultz.

Just like nothing happened
to Benedict Arnold.

Because we didn't catch him.

Carter, I'm warning you!

Furthermore, I'm imploring you.

I don't quite understand, chaps.

I mean, my record is perfect.

Appeared three
times in two years

at the Hollywood Canteen.

My men are upset
with you, Buckles,

for doing a propaganda
film for the Germans.

They are?

It sounded like
such a good part.

Get him out of here, Schultz.

My orders are to remain
with this man at all times.

At all times!

I'm very happy for both of you,
but be together somewhere else.

We got work to do.

Work to do? What kind of work?

Please, don't tell me.

Wait a minute, Hogan.

I'm beginning to get your drift.

You mean that
public relations-wise,

it might be bad for my image

to make this film, huh?

It's Colonel Hogan.
And I couldn't care less.

I like that. I like that.

I like a man who
looks after my interests.

Very good, Hogan. I won't do it.

Wait a minute.

Do it.

I'll be the director.

What?!

Hold on, Colonel. Why?

Colonel, you're going to direct
a German propaganda movie?

That's right.

Excuse me, please,
Colonel Hogan.

Colonel Hogan, I
know from experience,

when you decide to do something

which looks good
for the Germans,

it's bad for the Germans.

Am I right?

Keep going, Schultz.

Now, what's bad for the Germans,

you're about to explain

to my personal charge,
the movie star, Major.

It's possible.

But I have strict orders

not to let him out of my sight!

What do you think
you should do, Schultz?

I know nothing!

I see nothing!

Nothing!

I think I shall place
my camera right here

so as to feature
the chief speaker.

You, Kommandant?

Who else?

To write, produce,
direct and act.

It is remarkable, isn't it?

And then, a camera move, picking
up Byron Buckles, side by side,

with me leading
the happy prisoners

in the Horst Wessel Song.

Oh, Hilda. Get
every word of this,

while I'm in white heat.

There will be a small part,
Kommandant, for a woman?

Of course, my dear.

But you see, in the
picture business,

we must have interviews,
tryouts, readings, tests,

late conferences to establish
the necessary rapport,

you understand, my dear?

Oh, perfectly, Herr Director.

Excellent. Excellent.

Go away!

I could make you a star.

Pardon me, Herr Kommandant.

Schultz! Get out!

I'm not to be disturbed.

I know, Herr Kommandant,

and I sympathize with
you, Herr Kommandant,

but Major Buckles...

Schultz, you were not to
leave him out of your sight!

That was a direct order!

Exactly, Herr Kommandant.

Which is, when he
insisted on seeing you,

I brought him with me.

Schultz!

Ahh, Commandant, I'm
glad we're not interrupting.

Business, business,
business, 24 hours a day.

That's our commandant.

Hogan! Out!

What can I do for
you, Major Buckles?

Oh, I believe you know
my secretary, Fraulein Hilda.

Enchanté.

Hogan, I want
her in the picture.

Hogan, you want
her in the picture?

Why Hogan?

Well, my dear Klink,
I found our director.

But of course you know
all about his background,

about which you've told me.

What? What did I tell you?

Your knowledge
of cinematic history.

Of course. Hogan.

You'll read for me,
of course, Hilda?

Oh, any time, Colonel Hogan.

Are your quarters
going to be free

tomorrow night, Commandant?

No! Major Buckles?

Naturally, we won't
work from a script.

Hogan likes to
create on the set.

Create on the set?

Which leaves us with
only one major role to fill.

What is that?

Someone to play the
part of the Commandant.

Someone to play my part?

Uh, maybe Berlin
can help us out.

Good thought.

But gentlemen,
I thought in order

to bring the necessary
authenticity to the role,

that I would consent
to play the part.

Definitely not the type.

Definitely.

But gentlemen...

No, it calls for authority,
old man, bearings, stature.

Schultz! Dismissed!

Hmm... Shultz...

Let me hear you read that line.

With pleasure.

Schultz! Dismissed!

Oh, that's better. That's
much, much better.

Yeah. Commandant, will you
lend him your monocle, please?

No!

And I will not be
browbeaten by prisoners!

I will write this picture.

I will direct it.

I will produce it,

and I will play
the part of Klink!

Otherwise, there is no picture!

No picture.

Um, Commandant...

I, uh, know how you
feel, Commandant,

but the movie world is a jungle.

We're dealing here with a star.

But it was all my idea,
my dream, Hogan.

I know it was.

But he doesn't need
you. You need him.

I will not submit to blackmail.

The picture is off!

I admire a man of principle.

It's a good thing

you haven't told
Berlin about the film.

But I did.

They're sending
cameras, film crews.

Stick to your g*ns,
and, I must say, sir,

it's been a pleasure
to know you.

Hogan, you have to help me.

It's going to be tough, sir.

Have you ever worked
with a star before?

No, never.

Monsters.

Come on.

Uh, Major. Major, I'm sorry,

but the Commandant is adamant.

Hogan?

His name must remain
on the screen as producer.

In fine print, of course.

What else?

In return, he's agreed
to let me write and direct.

Schultz will play
the Commandant.

Hogan.

Might I say, Major Buckles,
Colonel Hogan, Kommandant Klink,

I think it sounds very fair.

Schultz! Get out of here!

Would you try that?

Schultz! Get out of here!

Oh, that's better. That's
much, much better.

Yeah.

Well, that's show business.

All right, all right,
quiet, everybody.

Quiet on the set! Quiet!

All right, now,
here's the action.

The prisoners... you...

Have arranged a
surprise birthday party

for their beloved
commandant, Colonel Klink.

How nice.

You're Schultz. He's Klink.

Oh, yes, - I'm
Schultz. He's Klink.

But naturally.

Now, Klink is lured here on
some pretense by Schultz,

who opens the door and says...

What do I say?

Achtung, Achtung.

Achtung... with a smile.

I'm sorry about that.

I just do not seem
to feel the part.

But I will get it.

I will get it.

Ach... tung!

Thank you, Schultz.

All right, all right.

Places, everybody.

Places, everybody!

Quiet!

Very bright,

very happy.

All right, roll 'em.

Action.

Ach... Ach...

Keep it rolling 'til he gets it.

Ach... Ach...

Tung!

Tung.

Achtung... of course.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow,
which nobody can deny. ♪

Happy prisoners, glad to be

the wonderful world
of the Third Reich.

Oh...

For me?!

And there's more to
come, Commandant,

as the prisoners express
through their own simple handicraft

their gratitude
for your hospitality

and political guidance.

Oh, how wonderful!

Crafted out of
their own mess tins,

a scale replica of the
battleship Bismarck.

Oh! The unsinkable Bismarck!

Cut, cut!

Hogan, Hogan, this man
is completely impossible.

I cannot work with him.

It is my scene.

It is my birthday.

Why does he have to
destroy my battleship?

In all my pictures,

the finished film...
By contract...

Must be at least
60% close-ups of me.

All right, all right.
Hold it. Hold it.

Achtung!

Very good. Later, later.

Achtung, Achtung!

General Burkhalter is here.

Klink, what is going on here?

General Burkhalter, what a
pleasure to see the General.

Always so nice to see you, sir.

What is all this, Klink?

And why are you out of uniform?

Or has Berlin finally
caught up with you?

Nothing like that,
General Burkhalter.

We're just doing
a little play-acting,

as you can see.

Needed a better type for
the commandant, General.

Welcome to Stalag 13, General.

Quiet, Schultz!

Just a little documentary

that I am producing,
General Burkhalter

after I persuaded the
actor, Byron Buckles,

to, uh, give us,
full cooperation.

Uh, he is the one
sitting right over there.

Very amenable.

I am here only because of
a wire from Colonel Hogan.

Hogan?

How can a prisoner
send a wire, Hogan?

A very good question,
Sergeant Klink.

Actually, General,

I have this parade
sequence in mind:

hundreds of marching
happy prisoners.

We certainly need a
more imposing figure

to take their salute.

Excellent idea, Hogan.

And the General
wouldn't be tied up at all.

We could do it in a day.

This afternoon, sir.

Well, actually,

I had more of a
commitment in mind.

Lovely costume
on Hilda, isn't it, sir?

Um, you see, we
need a more sure hand

on the production reins.

Perhaps if you
could give us a week.

Production reins?

Hogan, the General is
much too busy for that.

You are much too
busy, aren't you, sir?

This is much too important

a project, Klink,

to leave it to a Sergeant.

Right?

Very good, General Burkhalter.

Work that into
the script, Hogan.

In my career, Hogan, I
have worked with dogs.

I have even worked
with small children,

but never with a
scene-stealer like Schultz.

Let's not lose sight
of our purpose.

We're using that
film for a reason...

A very important reason...

To Allied High
Command in London.

Now, whose side are you on?

Mine.

That's why I'm a star.

Why don't you step
outside, Colonel?

We can persuade him easy.

No trouble at all, Colonel.

Forget it.

Buckles, it may have
escaped your attention,

but there's a w*r on.

A joint enterprise.

No free passes
to Hollywood stars.

Furthermore...

Strike all that.

Buckles, look on it
as your greatest role.

My greatest role?

Academy Award time.

I'll do it.

How would it be if, uh...

No. It won't do.

What we need is a big finish.

Really big.

But the parade.

Static.

Static?

Static.

Something showing the love
and devotion of the prisoners.

Not only toward the Commandant,

but toward the Third Reich.

Something big, dramatic.

Action, action.

Film is action.

Film is action... how true.

I've got it.

The prisoners
form a m*llitary unit,

and go behind Allied
lines to blow up a bridge.

Take that down, Hilda.

To go behind their own lines

to blow up their own bridge?

What a grasp of a concept, sir.

But how can we be sure

they will come
back to Stalag 13?

Mind like a steel trap.

That's the beauty of film, sir.

We use a-a bridge close to camp.

Say the one 20
miles south of here.

You cannot blow up
that bridge, Hogan.

That bridge is very important.

It is the most closely-guarded
bridge in Germany.

What a producer.

We only use the
bridge for filming, sir.

We even use fake expl*sives.

The actual expl*si*n
is done with a miniature.

Six feet long.

But to film in the
restricted area?

Yeah, lucky our
producer's a general.

Oh, yes.

Well, but, uh...

Yeah.

Cinematic history in the making.

What'll we call our outfit?

The Klink Brigade.

That doesn't quite
make it, does it?

Mm-hmm.

Um, let's see.

The Burkhalter Brigade.

That's it.

The Burkhalter Brigade.

I like it.

All right, the film is rolling.

Move in on the bridge.

Wire the TNT.

This good enough?

A little further, Major.

Good.

I always work with
doubles, you know?

Always.

Why couldn't Hogan
give me a double?

Authenticity for
your performance.

I think he's insane.

Will you hold this, please?

It won't go off, will it?

Probably not.

I think I'm insane.

Do you actually
know Esther Williams?

What's the matter
with him anyway?

I never worked with a director

who made things so complicated.

You know, audiences won't
follow a complicated story.

It's the old Hogan touch.

See, if he didn't keep
Klink and Burkhalter

kind of stirred up and confused,

they might figure out
what's really going on.

Ready, Kinch?

Ready.

LeBeau, Newkirk?

I'm all set. Just yours now.

Fire!

What was that?

It was a r*fle sh*t.

Colonel Hogan thought

it might make things
seem more realistic.

Why didn't he tell me?

He's got a lot on his mind.

A lot on his mind?

Is he aware

that in this business

the making of a
star takes a minimum

of eight years and
millions and millions...

If I'm going to die...

at least let it
be in a close-up.

Now they got you
surrounded, Buckles.

You're determined
to blow the bridge.

You're getting ready

to push the detonator down.

Hold it, hold it! Cut, cut.

It's wrong, wrong.

Hogan,

what is the matter?

Uh, it just doesn't sing.

Sing?

Sing.

Oh. Oh.

There's an element missing.

It just doesn't build.

Of course.

Of course what?

The gallant allies, the
staunch companions.

They should be in the scene.

Who are they?

It's symbolism.

Hands across the sea.

The defenders
of the Third Reich.

Together again for
the roaring climax.

Burkhalter!

Klink and Schultz!

It sings!

Okay.

Everybody set?

All right now, with your buddy

standing guard around you...

Fire.

Great sh*t, just great.

Just what we needed
to sell the picture.

Hogan!

Never mind the picture.

What about the bridge?

That was unfortunate, sir.

But you can't make an omelet

without breaking a few eggs.

You tricked us, Hogan.

You were using real expl*sives.

I believe it was furnished

by you, Commandant.

Schultz, that was
your responsibility.

As a Commandant,

I cannot follow up
every detail personally,

Herr Kommandant.

I will have all your heads!

All of them!

Uh, begging your
pardon, General,

but I think we're
all in this together.

Especially since we have
such marvelous footage

of you setting
off the expl*si*n.

Destroy the picture!

Anything you say, sir, anything.

Uh, uh.

That still leaves the bridge,

or what's left of it.

I will tell Berlin the
complete, entire truth.

And then k*ll myself.

Don't you have anything
in your mind, Hogan?

A high-flying bomber,
secret w*apon.

Can't be seen nor heard.

But how could
they fly that high?

It's a secret.

I like it.

Schultz, keep out of this.

What do you think,
General Burkhalter?

I hate it.

And then I will
take k*lling myself.

Excellent.

Any loose ends?

Hogan, Hogan,

are you aware that
during the last sh*t

this man had his
hand over my face?

We'll simply have to
sh**t it all over again.

Major, forget it.

Sorry you won't be with
us any longer, Major.

Well, I'm terribly
sorry myself, old man.

Exchanging me for three
German generals, you know.

Good break for you.

Oh, not really.

I insisted on it in my
contract before I enlisted.

Mr. Buckle,

would you tell Betty
Grable Carter says hello?

Right.

Well, bye-bye, chaps.

Buy bonds.

Clever turn of phrase, Major.

Just came to me.

Like to work with you again

sometime, Hogan.

If you're ever in
Hollywood after this whole...

We can have lunch.

Bless you.

Major Buckles,

your car is waiting.

Well, carry on, chaps.

Oh, Major Buckles, may I
say that appearing with you

on the silver screen
has been the high point...

Bless you.

Uh, one for our collection,

Major, before you leave?

Uh, but of course, old chap.

Has been the high point
of my career at Stalag 13,

which has not been without...

Okay? Hold it.

Unbelievable episodes.