05x09 - The Big Gamble

[bunniefuu]

Now, how much would you
and your men care to give

to the Winter Relief Fund?

Are you kidding?

We want you to lose
the w*r, remember?

There... There is nothing
you would care to give?

Yeah, a little advice:

Surrender.

Hogan, you're being
very uncooperative.

I had hoped that we
would set an example

for some of the other stalags,

but I can see that...

Bombers.

Yeah, and plenty of 'em.

Ah, our great and
glorious Luftwaffe

is on its way to
destroy England.

Better have your monocle
checked, Commandant.

That's our g*ng up there.

Yes, he's right.

I can see the
markings on the plane.

Did I ask you?

In about a half an hour,

your favorite
beer hall in Berlin

is going to be missing.

The planes are heading
north by northeast

at approximately 3,000 feet.

At the moment, German
antiaircraft batteries

are f*ring with deadly accuracy.

Just a minute, folks,
there is a development.

One of the bombers has been hit.

The parachutes are opening.

The crew is bailing out.

I estimate the plane
will crash near Stalag 13.

Near Stalag 13.

LeBEAU: Hey,
let's get out of here.

Come on, let's go.

Yes, the plane is going
to crash at Stalag 13.

Beautiful sh**ting.

You lost a plane, Hogan.

We may have lost a plane,

but we found a great
radio announcer.

Boy, what a wreck.

Those guys were
lucky to bail out.

Yeah.

Nobody could've walked
away from that one.

LeBEAU: Anything there
we could use, Colonel?

I don't think so... We
got enough ashtrays.

I could sneak out tonight

and see if there's
anything to salvage.

Have you met our
local junk dealer?

Forget it.

Give the Germans
something to play with.

LeBEAU: Uh-oh. They brought
you something else to play with.

You have been brought to
the toughest P.O.W. camp

in all of Germany,
and I warn you...

Obey the rules and regulations

or suffer the consequences.

I was just going to say that.

You know, Commandant,

maybe you ought
to have cards printed.

Hogan, I'm conducting
this interrogation,

if you don't mind.

What Colonel Hogan
says is true... obey, or else.

Okay.

Okay, what?

Do I have to call him "sir"?

I know it's hard to believe,

but he is a colonel.

Hogan!

Sir.

That's better.

Now, Captain,

what is your flying group
and where are you stationed?

Mitchell, comma, John, comma,

Captain, United
States Army Air Force.

Serial number 087670...

Please, let's have none of that

name, rank and
serial number stuff.

Just tell me where
you were stationed.

Speak up or I'll be forced to...

Colonel Klink speaking.

Oh, yes, sir.

Yes, General.

Yes, sir.

Yes, it's a pleasure
to hear from you.

Yes, sir, I sent
you the S-23 forms,

just as you requested.

I'm always at
your disposal, sir.

Heil h*tler.

Hand it over.

Hand what over?

Hogan.

"Must talk to you. How?"

What's so important?

Speak up.

All right, three days
solitary confinement.

That'll make you talkative.

Solitary for not
answering a question?

Why, you louse...! Hold it!

Wouldn't talk to the
commandant that way.

Commandant? He's
just a Kraut to me.

Four days solitary
confinement. You...!

Look, before you ask
for a week, try solitary.

You might not like it.

You gonna let him
get away with this?

No, I intend to make
a strong protest.

Colonel Klink, as senior
P.O.W. officer here, I protest.

Colonel Hogan, as
commandant of Stalag 13,

your protest has been noted.

Thank you.

Sergeant Schultz?

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Take this man to the cooler.

Thanks, Colonel.

You've been a big help.

Look, buddy, I'm only
an employee of this w*r,

just like you.

For me?

For me, my little friend?

Yes, Schultzy.

Hold this. Mmm.

Mmm...

Wunderbar, wunderbar.

They are so light and good.

They don't even taste
like potato pancakes.

Merci. Bon appétit.

Tunneling into jail?

Anybody can tunnel out of jail.

Amazing.

A Frenchman who knows
how to make our pancakes.

If you wanted to, you
could be a German.

Mmm.

Maybe in the next w*r.

How do you like our
little motel? Charming.

Yeah, the guidebook
gives it four stars

with a skull and crossbones.

Well, at least it's the
safest place to talk.

You got me in here purposely?

I'll try to get Klink to
release you in a day or so.

Colonel? What?

What about my crew?

They're at Stalag 4.

Now, you wanted to talk to me.

What is it?

The DF box in my plane.

DF box?

Direction Finder.
It's top secret.

There's an underground
transmitting station

in France, another in England.

The box is tuned to the signals.

And where the beams cross,
you can get a position fix.

Right.

Orders are to destroy
the box if captured.

The destruct mechanism failed.

I was hoping the plane
would burn when it crashed.

Well, it didn't.

The forward
fuselage is still intact.

That's trouble.

The Germans find
that box, analyze it...

They could figure a
way to jam your signals.

But every day they don't have it

saves men and planes.

Somebody's got
to steal that DF box

before they get wise to it.

All right, look...
Sketch the box.

Any details and
dimensions, if you know them.

Yes, sir.

One more thing.

The next time you bail out,

pick another stalag.

About the size of a small
Red Cross package, I'd say.

He shows a place there for
a wire or a cable attachment.

And what's that terminal?

That hooks onto the
plane's radio system.

That other wire's for
the electrical power

to the generator.

Pretty simple hookup. Yep.

We're going to try for
that DF box tonight.

What?!

Good luck.

Oh, that's a nice surprise.

Colonel, the Krauts
are guarding that wreck.

With a single guard.

Kinch and LeBeau
get into the fuselage

and cut that box loose.

Who's going to
cut the Kraut loose?

That's Carter and Newkirk's
part of the operation.

Lovely.

You'll all go out through
the emergency tunnel.

Kinch and LeBeau wait.

Newkirk, you'll be in
an officer's uniform.

Carter, you'll be a private.

That's how I started
my army career.

Hey, hey, just a minute.

If we get caught in
German uniforms,

it's not the cooler, you know.

It's "What will you
have for your last meal?"

With any luck, we'll
be able to do the job.

Just remember, when
the time comes, move fast.

Yeah, I'd like to
start moving now,

if you don't mind... In
the opposite direction.

Guard, you are relieved.

Return to your quarters.

The Gestapo is taking over.

Captain.

What are you doing here?

Abend, Major.

I said what are you doing here?

We're just checking up and out.

Heil h*tler.

Heil h*tler.

Heil h*tler.

Heil h*tler.

Major Feldkamp,
I don't understand.

Why is it necessary for
the Gestapo to take over?

Because we don't often
find an enemy plane

in this condition,

and the Air Ministry
is very interested

in having a look at it.

Well, I can handle this
responsibility myself.

The Gestapo has its orders,

and anyone who
interferes with us

can find the
results very chilling.

I expect your full
cooperation, Colonel.

I will be very chilling.

I mean, I'll be
very cooperative.

Good. Berlin is sending an
aviation engineering expert

to inspect the wreckage
and to remove any equipment

he feels may be
useful for research.

Perhaps you know of
him... Dr. Wolfgang Becker?

Oh, yes, I know him very well.

We met a few years ago,

at one of Marshal Goring's
parties at his hunting lodge.

And, I, uh...

Of course I have read about
Dr. Becker in the newspapers.

Klink always picks the
wrong name to drop.

I have a copy here
of Dr. Becker's file...

Details of his work, his
past, that sort of thing.

You will familiarize
yourself with it,

find out everything
you can about him.

I understand.

So I can talk to
him intelligently.

Ja, so that you
can talk to him inte...

Well, who knows?

Wolfgang Becker.

Sounds like something
you eat with beer.

He must really be
a big sh*t scientist.

Mm-hmm.

Boy, he'll probably have

that DF box analyzed
in about three days.

Unless we can get
it away from him.

And how does one
do that, pray tell?

I'll answer that as soon
as we have a look at his file.

All right, time to go.

Oh, believe you me,
Schultz, I'm ready.

Hey, come on,
LeBeau, knock it off!

Yes, LeBeau, let's go!

Raus!

Raus, LeBeau! Raus!

Where are you? LeBeau!

Hey, come on, LeBeau.

Louis?

LeBeau, are you in there?

Boy...

How do you like that?

He must have sneaked out.

What do you mean?

I didn't see him.

What's the matter, Schultz?

Did you see LeBeau go out?

I was working at my desk.

He could have gone out.

He even left his broom.

Boy, he's always goofing off.

Pardon me.

I'll put him on report.

Well, there's no need
to get drastic about it.

Leave it to me, you understand?

Raus!

Sheesh.

Specialty: aerodynamics
and aircraft engineering.

There's a long list of
university degrees here.

Skip it.

Hey, everybody
knows he's brilliant.

He's an early Party member,
married, with two children,

and the family
lives in Hannover.

He doesn't drink or smoke,
and he's never been known

to be involved with
any woman but his wife.

What do you do
with a man like that?

Bury him.

He's known to be an
inveterate gambler...

Frequently seen at the
casino at Baden-Baden.

He's never been in debt

as a result of his
gambling habits,

but it may be
considered his hobby.

That's big help, that is.

Yeah, nothing
here for us, Colonel.

I'm not so sure; not so sure.

He's going to be here
in just a short time,

working on that wreck.

Now, our first problem
is to keep him here.

Carter, could you build a DF box

like the one on the plane?

A phony?

I could try.

We've got that drawing
that the captain gave you.

All right, good.

While Carter's
building that box,

we're going to be
building a gambling casino.

Colonel?

I'm busy, Hogan; dismissed.

For the Relief Fund.

Mmm. Ten marks... I'm touched.

Yeah, so were the boys
when I took it from them.

You mean, they gave to the
Winter Relief Fund voluntarily?

Well, more or less.

We were playing poker

and we cut some
money from the pots.

Gambling is
against regulation...

Except for charitable purposes.

It's no wonder they made
you chairman of the fund.

How are the
contributions going, sir?

Ah, this is the first one.

You're kidding.

Hmm. How can
people be so unfeeling?

I mean, charity should
transcend even the hatred of w*r.

Beautifully put,
sir. Beautifully put.

Something to think about on
those 40-below-zero nights.

What 40-below-zero nights?

Oh, come on.

You're chairman of the fund.

It's a flop, big boys
won't do anything yet.

Yet?

But when they start making up

that next transfer list
to the Russian Front,

some wise guy's bound to say,

"You know, Klink
was a lousy chairman.

Maybe he'd do
better at Stalingrad."

They would never send
me to the Russian Front.

Not in a million years.

No, not in a million years.

But how about next week?

If only I could raise the money
for the Winter Relief Fund.

Yeah, better think
of something, sir.

Ja.

Anything?

My mind is a blank,
absolutely a blank.

Situation normal.

Let us confine ourselves
to ideas, not to insults.

Yeah, sorry, sir.

You did it so simply.

A card game, a
few marks at a time.

You could do the
same thing, sir.

I could? Sure.

Set up a casino
right here in camp...

Roulette, poker, blackjack.

Chemin de fer...

"Colonel Klink invites you
to a night in Monte Carlo."

Yes! And invite officers
from other stalags.

Oh, brilliant.

And the Winter Relief Fund

gets a good hefty
cut of the action.

But a casino, right here?

In Barracks 9.

It's empty.

You set up a few roulette,
poker, blackjack tables,

fix the place up... the works.

Hogan, why are you
suddenly so cooperative?

To keep the prisoners occupied.

And they may pick up a
few tips from the winners.

I see.

All right.

Go and get started at once.

Good.

I knew I would come
up with a clever idea

if I only tried.

Funny, I had that feeling, too.

Okay, run the carpet now, eh?

And go and get the chairs, eh?

Come on, come on, do it faster.

Dr. Wolfgang Becker, I presume.

It's not my cousin
from Milwaukee.

LeBeau, since you'll be
doing the cooking for him,

find out what room
they put him in, huh?

Oui, Colonel.

Carter, we'll need a passkey.

You got it, boy.

Uh, Colonel.

Kinch, he'll probably
start working

on the plane right away,
so keep an eye on him, huh?

Right.

No question about it.

He's found it.

Quick work.

He only got here yesterday.

Kinch, you sure?

According to the description

you gave us, yeah.

Carter?

Is that it?

Hey.

Almost identical, I'd say.

Hmm. You did a good job, Carter.

Yeah, you sure did.

All right, look,
we're going to try

for the real one tonight.

The casino opens,
I'll invite Becker over.

Klink and Feldkamp
will already be there,

and, uh, Becker's
quarters will be empty.

We'll use the passkey

and substitute the dummy
for the real box, right?

Good plan, Colonel. Simple.

You've sold us, Colonel.

Yeah. Now, which one
of you is going to sell me?

All right, get your
money down, folks.

All right, number three.

Folks, get your money down.

Get your... bets there.

All right, and it's
another bet there.

Well, looks like you got
a winner, Commandant.

It will be the
greatest collection

ever made to the
Winter Relief Fund.

Colonel Wilhelm Klink, Chairman.

Where's Dr. Becker?
He might enjoy this.

Unfortunately, he's
leaving for Berlin tonight.

What's the rush?

How would I know?

Scientists are always
rushing someplace.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello, my dear!

Bad news, Colonel.

I know, I just had
it from the pit boss.

A Luftwaffe plane
will pick up Becker

at Amelburg Airport, 10:00.

That's two hours.

Where is he?

With Feldkamp
at Klink's quarters.

And one more little detail.

You're just filled with
good news, aren't you?

He has the box in his briefcase,

attached to his
wrist with a chain.

Oh, great.

We'll have to make a
grab for it here, then.

You're kidding.

Scared, yes... kidding, no.

Listen very carefully.

Tell Carter to bring
the dummy box here

with four or five smoke bombs.

Uh-huh.

Have Newkirk ready

to open up the briefcase.

Bring his collection of keys.

Oui, Colonel.

Have Kinch stand by.

He's going to have
to knock Becker out,

but not too far out, got it?

I have; sounds like fun.

Oh, yeah... Monte Carlo
is a ball this time of year.

It'd make Colonel
Klink very happy.

Ah, anything makes Klink happy.

He asked me to
invite you, Doctor.

Ah, danke schon.

That is impossible.

Tell Klink to mind
his own business.

That is one of the many
things he does not do very well.

They're having a big time
over there at Monte Carlo.

Monte Carlo?

Roulette, blackjack, poker.

A lot of action, ja?

House is on a losing streak.

That is enough, Hogan.

You are dismissed.

Oh, just one moment, Major.

The plane picks me up at 10:00,

a few minutes to the airport...

Oh, I could spend one hour.

It might be amusing.

I do not think it
would be advisable.

Oh, of course you don't.

The house is losing, Colonel?

Yeah, could start
winning at any time.

Oh, well, then,
let us go quickly.

I do feel lucky tonight.

The winner.

Do I have a system,
or do I have a system?

Isn't that marvelous?

Oh, Dr. Becker!

Ah, roulette!

May I help you? Here.

Uh, 1,000 marks.

All set?

I'm loaded.

Here we are.

And the winner is seven black.

Oh, you're not very
lucky tonight, Dr. Becker.

Action's at the roulette table.

All right.

Red! 19 red.

There's the ball for 19 red.

Aha, round and round...

Fire!

Fire! Fire!

LeBEAU: Fire!

Dr. Becker, are you all right?

I am fine.

He's sleeping like a baby.

Yeah. Kinch, if he wakes
up and starts crying,

hit him again.

Oui, mon frère.

Here we go, nice as you please.

All right, Carter,
hide it in the barracks,

and I mean hide it so
we can't even find it.

Right, Colonel.

Ah, Major Feldkamp...

Where is Dr. Becker?!

What happened, what happened?

Oh, Colonel, here he is.

Oh! Oh, Dr. Becker,
Dr. Becker, are you all right?

I am so sorry, Dr. Becker.

What, what happened, Dr. Becker?

I don't know, I...

I seem to have passed out.

It must have been the smoke.

Oh, ja, ja, ja.

Well, there is nothing wrong.

It was just an accident.

Well, let's be
thankful for that.

Oh, by the way, Doctor,

I, uh, I think you
bet on number 19.

32 came up.

Oh, this is too bad.

Well, at least it was
all for a good cause.

Yes, it was for a good cause.

I can assure you of that.

91, 92, 93, 94.

The final count,
Herr Kommandant,

is 894 marks!

Thank you, Schultz.

Correction, please... 895 marks.

How did that get in there?

This money was for the
Winter Relief Fund, Schultz.

I'm ashamed of you.

Oh, it must have gotten
stuck in my sleeve.

Static electricity.

That's how some of the
world's great fortunes got started.

Schultz, dismissed.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Hogan, I'm very grateful to you.

You did a marvelous job,

and as a reward,
we shall give you

one extra sheet of writing
paper for every prisoner.

Your generosity is
overwhelming, Commandant.

895 marks minus 200
marks for my expenses...

You know, between
you and Schultz,

I'm surprised you haven't
stolen World w*r II.

Oh, this is
perfectly legitimate.

I put in a lot of time, and
that's worth something,

and my expert
knowledge as chairman...

So, I will keep the 200
marks for my expenses.

Uh, take my advice, Commandant.

Send it all to Berlin, or else.

Or else what?

You're going to
be the only officer

facing a Russian t*nk
with an expense account.