05x15 - How's the Weather?

[bunniefuu]

As you see, General, I am
a great believer in exercise.

Also, I keep myself in
tip-top physical condition.

Ooh.

I could b*at even
these younger men

at their own game
most easily, sir.

Of course, you'd
have to learn to play

without your girdle.

Yes, I'd have to learn to...

Oh, that'll do, Hogan.

In case I'm, uh,
recommended for promotion...

Not that I'm asking you, sir...

I'm sure that the
board will take

my extremely
marvelous physical fitness

into consideration.

Physical fitness is one thing.

Mental fitness...
that's another.

Colonel Hogan...

it was very funny what
the General just said.

Uh-huh.

You are not laughing.

Hey, fellas, game's over.

Let's go in.

Wait a minute; hold it, hold it!

The exercise
period is not finished.

Yeah, well, we want to
laugh at what the General said.

We can't do it out here.

Come on.

London... just came in.

London's planning
a bombing att*ck

for Friday night on
the hydroelectric dam

right down the valley.

They need daily reports,

particularly the exact
wind speed and direction.

Weather report every day?

Uh-huh.

How we going to do it?

We'd need weather balloons.

And a range
finder to track them.

Use a r*fle scope for that.

Yeah, but what can
we use for balloons?

This.

So, we will see you on Saturday

for inspection, General.

Not this week.

I will be too busy working

on the fence
requirements for the dam.

Uh, I hope you will keep in mind

my qualifications
for promotion, sir.

Uh, your recommendation
to the Board of Review

should carry
considerable weight,

and it would be
most appreciated if...

General, I, I...

Colonel, as a special favor...

The answer is no,
no matter what it is.

Okay, I'll just
have to tell the men

you're not in good
enough physical condition.

What do you mean, Hogan?

I heard you tell the General
you played volleyball,

and I was hoping you'd show us

some of the finer
points of the game.

I have many more
important things to do.

Frankly, sir, I've, uh,
I've been using you

as an example to the men
as the perfect male body.

I, uh, I thought it might
inspire them to exercise.

I hope you don't mind.

Why should I mind?

I suppose it's
something I cannot hide.

And if you'd just join us
in a game of volleyball

for a serve or two,
your dynamic vitality

might be an inspiration.

Naturally, but, uh, I, I...

It will just take a minute.

All right, Hogan.

Uh, Schultz, here.

Help me with my
coat, will you please?

All right, fellas,
pay attention.

Now, you may learn something.

Ready?

Ready here, sir.

All right, Colonel,
give it a good sock.

They've been having
trouble getting it over the net.

Let her rip!

Take your hands off the ball.

You guys get the idea?

I had no idea I
would hit it that hard.

You don't know
your own strength, sir.

I suppose I don't.

90 degrees east, elevation: 45.

I'm afraid that's it, fellas.

Wrap up the net.

Azimuth: 128, elevation: 65.

Well?

Worked fine, Colonel.

We got some good readings.

You ought to have
seen old Klink's face

when he hit that.

What do we use for
balloons tomorrow?

Best thing to use for
balloons is balloons.

Only we don't have...

There are a bunch
of them left over

after that party at
the non-com club.

Take an awful good
man to get in there.

Or an awful bad one.

This is unthinkable.

I simply will not have my
noncommissioned officers

treated with disrespect.

I felt I had to
report it to you, sir.

You're a disgrace to
the uniform, Newkirk.

Now, you tell me exactly

what name did you
call Sergeant Schultz?

The very worst.

How bad?

Don't ask.

I will not stand for
this kind of language.

You must be taught
respect for my sergeants.

You're right, and
that's a good idea

to make him wait on
tables at the non-com's club.

No, sir, that's going too far.

I won't do it.

He can't make me do it.

You can't make me...!

Yes, I can.

Now, you will do
exactly as I say.

You will wait on table
for the sergeants,

and that will teach
you respect for them.

Why couldn't I
have thought of that?

Das was a good one.

And then the Kommandant
took the ball, and zossh!

What a...!

The ball went up
and up and up and up,

and out of sight.

Oh, come now, Schultz.

That I don't believe.

I'm not lying.

If I saw it, I saw it,
you understand? Prosit.

Prosit.

Good night, boys! Good night!

Dummkopf! Look
where you're going!

Oh, I'm sorry, Kommandant.

I thought it was some
other Dummkopf.

Go to bed. Jawohl.

Oh, uh, Schultz.

Yes?

That Englishman.

He was working inside, eh?

The Englander Newkirk? Yes.

Good. That will teach him

not to be so
disrespectful to you,

even though you deserve it.

Disrespectful?

But he hasn't been.

He wasn't?

He didn't call you whatever
it was he called you?

He only called me Schultz.

But everybody else
calls me Schultz.

Why shouldn't he
call me Schultz?

And that's my name... Schultz.

There they are.

Wow!

Any trouble?

Piece of cake.

These magic fingers
have not lost their touch.

I even got a little bonus.

Hey, he's got a
beer; that's fabulous!

Something for you, mate.

I bet you there's an opener
around here someplace.

Schultz is...

Colonel Hogan.

Sergeant Schultz tells
me he was not treated

with any disrespect.

Such a forgiving soul.

Probably forced
himself to forget

the whole distasteful incident.

He was quite certain.

Hogan, you're up to something.

What is it?

Aw, come on, Colonel.

Balloons?

Well, it's no use.

May as well tell him everything.

Should have known we
couldn't get away with it.

What's going on here?

It's this Friday night.

Something big was coming off.

We needed the balloons.

Friday? What
happens Friday night?

Just the anniversary
of your taking command

here at Stalag 13, that's all.

Cup of coffee, sir?

The anniversary of my...

You honestly forgot, didn't you?

Such humility.

True sign of greatness.

Well, we couldn't forget.

Well, I, I...

We wanted to celebrate
in some small gathering

our gratefulness to you, sir.

But now I can see it was wrong.

Our emotions carried us away.

Ah, you couldn't understand.

Oh, but I do, I do!

A party for me, my
anniversary here...

LeBeau was going to
make a cake in your honor...

Apple crumb, your
favorite, but now...

Apple crumb... Oh,
but you shall, you shall.

LeBeau, you can
use the camp kitchen.

Thank you, sir.

Y-You mean we can go ahead, sir?

Well, I couldn't
very well refuse

seeing how much
this means to you.

I, uh...

I'm only sorry that I
spoiled your little surprise.

We'll still try to make
part of it a surprise, sir.

Boy, that was a close one.

Time for a drink, huh?!

What's keeping him?

It takes a while to fill the
balloons from the t*nk.

Here he comes.

Oh, hi, Schultz.

Look what you made me do.

Me?

That's azimuth: 85 east.

Elevation: 52.

I'll be glad it's over tomorrow.

One more day like this just...

What now?

They need additional
information for tomorrow night.

Barometer readings, cloud
cover, general area forecast.

Sure, nothing to it.

How are we supposed to get that?

We'll need help, so we'll
go to the Commandant.

Klink help?

Why not?

It's his party.

I say it's ridiculous
to even discuss it.

Well, I say I'm right, sir,

and the others
say I'm right, too.

Newkirk, I don't
care what you say,

and I really don't care

what the others
say. Colonel Hogan!

What is all this?

You'll have to help
us settle this, Colonel.

It's about the party
tomorrow night.

Some of the fellas
want to have it outside,

and the others
say it'll be too cold.

It will be too cold,
sir, and rainy, too.

I can feel it in me bones.

Feel it in your bones? Come on!

Gentlemen.

There's a way
to settle all this.

There is?

It's simple.

Fraulein Hilda,

call the meteorological
service and find out.

Jawohl, Herr Commandant.

Gentlemen, this way, please.

How simple when you have
a mind like a coiled spring.

You see?

When you have it up here...

Meteorology, Colonel.

Colonel Klink speaking.

The forecast for
tomorrow night, please.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Barometer: 29.12... mm-hmm.

Stratus clouds at 3,000 meters.

Westerly winds 12 knots,
40 degrees and clearing.

That's sufficient.

I told you it was too
cold to have a picnic.

Thank you, Colonel,
for saving the party.

By the way, here's your,
uh... hat for tomorrow night.

We'll be here at 8:00.

General Burkhalter's calling
from the dam, Herr Kommandant.

Oh, that must be
about my promotion.

Ah, General Burkhalter,
what can I do for you?

Yes, sir... shut up and listen.

Yes, sir.

What?

Unauthorized radio
transmissions from this area?

Yes. It could be saboteurs,

possibly even an
attempted prison break.

Double all security precautions.

I understand
completely, Herr General.

You want me to handle this

with my usual Klink efficiency.

No, this time I
want it done right.

I like a general with
a sense of humor.

This is not funny, Klink.

Be alert to anything
the slightest bit unusual.

For the Governor's party, huh?

Well, what's a blowout
without balloons, Schultz?

Uh, I'll take that.
No, no, that's okay...

No, no, every day
we are losing some.

No, Schultz, don't worry!

I got them knotted
around my finger.

No, I'll-I'll be glad to help.

I'm on my way there, anyway.

Well, that's bloody charming.

Schultz has got the balloons.

Oh, Schultz?

Don't worry, Colonel Hogan.

I won't let go of them.

Yeah, okay, thanks,
Schultz, I appreciate it.

Oh, good morning, Colonel Klink.

Oh, good mor...

Where is he?

Went around the corner
of the barracks, Schultz.

Azimuth east 80,

elevation 55.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I ruined everything.

No, you didn't.

Honest.

Very good.

All right, well,
take all the fixings

over to Klink's office.

Start the wingding 8:00 tonight.

All except you, Kinch.

I'd feel much better about it

if I could use our regular
setup down in the tunnel.

Bombers might be early.

They'll need your signals.

You have to be up here,
so you can hear them.

It's too bad you have
to miss out on that party.

Yeah, we'll tell you all
about it when we get back.

Remember what
everybody wore, huh?

Ah, Colonel,

what do you think of the punch?

Oh, boy!

We'd do more damage
dropping that on the dam.

If he can still talk,

it needs more schnapps.

I don't like it, sir.

Klink must have noticed

there's balloons
going up every day.

He's got to be
getting suspicious.

He may be a dope, but
he's not that big of a dope.

He can't be!

You know, Newkirk,
your trouble is,

you don't have any
faith in human nature.

He doesn't suspect a thing.

Something is going on, Schultz.

I know Colonel
Hogan only too well.

And something

very definitely is going on.

Yeah, but Herr Kommandant,

Colonel Hogan was
only planning the party.

I am afraid

this is not just a little party.

Hogan is being very clever.

But I am one step

ahead of him.

You understand, Schultz?

I understand.

We cancel the party.

No, no, no, no, no, Schultz.

No?

We go ahead with the party.

We play out Colonel
Hogan's little game.

We play pin the
tail on the donkey,

only tonight,

Hogan will be the donkey.

Ah...

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

Lights!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny. ♪

Yeah, blow them out, Commandant.

Make a wish, Herr Kommandant.

Yes. Come on, make a wish!

Anything you like, sir!

Lights!

Bravo!

Oh, wait till you taste
this cake, Commandant.

It's apple crumb, your favorite.

Later, later.

Oh, hey, don't
forget your hat here.

The fellows made it especially

for your anniversary.

Colonel Hogan,

I happen to have gone over
the records this afternoon,

and I find that the anniversary

of my taking over command
here still has four months to go.

Well, how do you like that?

I mean, you've
been so thoughtful

and generous, time seemed

to pass faster than it did.

Boy, that's-that's for sure.

It certainly did. Yeah, it's...

It, uh, certainly
did, didn't it?

Yeah, yeah, well,
there's no harm done.

We'll have another party
in four months, right?

Now let's have a
little bit of that punch.

Wait till you taste this
punch, Commandant.

It is absolutely
great. Uh, Hogan?

You'll love it. Yes?

Aren't we, uh,
missing something?

Or someone?

Missing someone, sir?

Sergeant Kinchloe, I believe.

Where is he?

Oh, he's over in the barracks.

He'll be over later.

Try this punch. It's delicious.

Oh, I would hate

to have Sergeant
Kinchloe miss out

on this party.

He should be here.

He doesn't mind, sir.

He doesn't make friends easily.

Is that so?

Well, if Sergeant Kinchloe
cannot come to this party,

we shall bring the party
to Sergeant Kinchloe.

Schultz!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

This party is moving
to the barracks.

Gentlemen, please...

Aha!

I thought so!

There's a radio in there.

Destroy it!

Wait a minute, Colonel.

Fire!

Well, now you've
spoiled everything.

What is all this?

It's a freezer.

We were making ice
cream for the party.

Ice cream?!

Pistachio, your favorite.

Pistachio.

Well, no sense crying
over spilled cream.

All right, everybody,
back to the party, let's go.

There's enough cake left...

Boy, what a gyp.

All right, Kinch...

Pistachio ice cream.

Get this mess cleaned up.

Right.

Boy, that was close.

Can you still transmit?

Nah, the generator's busted.

What about the battery?

Uh, it's way down.

Maybe enough left for
one short transmission.

How long a signal do you need?

At least five minutes
at exactly 10:00.

All right.

Make one transmission.

Tell the planes to zero in,

switch over on the German radio,

navigate by that.

German radio?

Klink is going to be going
on the air exactly 10:00.

That'll teach him to
sh**t up our pistachio.

Wonderful!

I can't remember

when I've had such a nice party!

Well, you're entitled,
sir. It's your night.

This is my night.

Don't you like the
party, Colonel Hogan?

You don't seem to
be enjoying yourself.

Oh, it's just so sad, Colonel.

The one person who
should be here isn't here.

The one person...
What, what? Who? What?

General Burkhalter.

General Burkhalter...?

After all, he was
the first person

to recognize your
great potential.

Oh. Made you
Commandant of this camp.

Oh? Hmm. This is his day, too.

And he did send the flowers.

Flow...? What flowers?

Flowers? Did you see...?

Oh, we put them in water, sir.

Oh!

Why don't you
give him a call, sir?

It'd mean so much to him.

Uh, I-I will thank him

the next time I see him, huh?

How about "Lili Marlene"?

Call the General...

Call the General, sir.

Nothing says you
like your voice.

Please!

Why do you keep
looking at the time, Hogan?

The call, sir. It's after 7:00.

You get the night rate. Please.

A call to the General,

the lonely warrior
at the ramparts.

Just a word to let him know

his Colonel cared
enough to remember.

Oh.

Well...

I suppose it would
mean a lot to him.

Get me General Burkhalter
at the Freidish Dam.

I'm sorry, Colonel.

All the telephone wires
to the dam are down.

It was the storm.

The storm?!

Ask for charges,
sir. We'll pay them.

Oh.

The telephone lines are down.

Oh, what a shame!

Yeah.

Well, there's no possible
way to contact him.

Wait, wait, wait.

I know how to
contact the General.

The radio!

The radio. Of course!

That mind at work again.

A message coming
in for you, General.

What?

General Burkhalter here.

Ah, General Burkhalter.

This is your old friend,
Colonel Klink speaking.

You shouldn't have done it.

You should not
have done it, sir.

Shouldn't have done what, Klink?

What are you talking about?

The flowers, sir.

Oh, they were beautiful.

We put them in water.

You know, I have never
had such a nice present

from a general.

What you are going
to get is a court-martial

if you don't start explaining.

Why are you using the radio?

Gruff exterior just
trying to cover up.

Inside, a real marshmallow.

Hmm.

Herr General, you're
a real marshmallow.

Sir, I know the dam is important

and duty comes first,

so we have put a chair for you

right next to our table.

And we've cut you
a piece of cake.

Apple crumb.

A great big piece.

Apple crumb?

Ja, ja.

I'm only sorry that
there's no ice cream.

We had pistachio,

but one of the guards
sh*t it with a machine g*n.

Klink, have you lost your mind?

Get off that radio!

♪ Nights alone ♪

♪ Since you went away... ♪

I just want you to know...

as you sit there...
♪ I think... ♪

♪ About you ♪
alone at the Freidish Dam...

that I... ♪ All
through the day ♪

your fellow comrade-in-arms...
♪ My buddy ♪

salute you...

♪ My buddy ♪
and I embrace you.

For this is your night, too.

♪ Nobody ♪

♪ Quite so true... ♪

An aerial salute.

The General hasn't
forgotten a thing.

Oh!

♪ Miss your voice... ♪

General...

This is the happiest
day of my life.

♪ The touch of your hand... ♪

Klink, for the last
time, I'm ordering you...

♪ My buddy... ♪

He hung up.

Too choked to talk.

♪ My buddy... ♪

♪ Your buddy ♪

What could that...?

Must be fireworks.

On a night like this,

everyone is celebrating.

♪ ...Misses you. ♪

But... But General
Burkhalter, I...

Achtung!

What have you to
say about last night

disregarding orders,
breaking security?

General Burkhalter,
all I wanted...

Achtung!

I should have you sh*t.

Yes, sir, you should
have me sh*t!

If you'd just give me
a chance to explain...

Achtung!

Hmm!

I'll give you a chance
to pack your suitcase.

You are through here, Klink.

Finished!

Oh!

General Burkhalter,

as Senior POW Officer
here, I wish to protest

Colonel Klink's
conduct last night.

You protest his conduct?

And don't tell
me he didn't do it,

because I was right here
when he went on the radio

to try to save that dam.

To try to save... what?

He knew those bombers
were homing in on the dam,

and he tried to confuse them.

What do you mean, Hogan?

Standing here
virtually unprotected,

inviting the full
fury of those bombs

to rain down on him.

But he had no right to
put us in jeopardy, too.

You mean, he was trying to...?

I mean, if he wants
to commit su1c1de

to save your life,
that's his concern.

But he might have
had all of us k*lled, too.

Well, I only thought

that this was a
far, far better thing

I did than, uh...

than anything else I could do.

I didn't realize.

I'm grateful, of course.

I will see that mention is made.

Well, I-I suppose
it was something

you had to do, sir.

By the way,

how many bombers did
the General sh**t down?

Actually, none at all.

Well, then you did better

than he did last night.

I mean, you sh*t
down a whole freezer

of pistachio.