05x18 - The Softer They Fall

[bunniefuu]

I'm sure you've all
seen Bruno here...

I mean, Battling Bruno,
train in camp, huh.

We have.

Yes, sir, we've watched him.

Just what do you think of him

as a fighter, huh?

His footwork's lousy,

he can't counterpunch,

his timing stinks and he
doesn't breathe properly.

But you like him as a person.

He has a nice smile.

For your information,
Battling Bruno has won

his last 13 fights by knockouts.

Was he fighting
men or girls, sir?

Ooh!

Fighting girls.

Were you?

Silence!

Now, here's the situation.

We have here the
Luftstalag Boxing Tournament

and as you can see, Battling
Bruno has reached the finals.

He was fighting girls.

He's scheduled to fight k*ller
Kandisky, a guard at Stalag 9,

for the Luftwaffe
Championship on the 31st.

And on the 30th he
goes into hiding, right?

Now listen, it is important

for the prestige of Stalag 13

that he win that championship.

Sergeant, I
understand that you are

an experienced fighter.

Oh, I don't know
about that, sir.

I just fought in
the Golden Gloves.

You will train Bruno
for the big fight.

Start at once.

Hold it! Hold it!

There's nothing in the Geneva
Prisoner-of-w*r Convention

that requires a man to
be a sparring partner.

However, for certain
considerations...

What do you want, Hogan?

Extra half hour of
hot water per day,

some extra bread rations
at least once a month

and a few organized
walks in the countryside.

Some of the men are very
interested bird watchers.

Walks in the countryside, hmm?

So you can try escaping.

We've got to start somewhere.

I can give you
everything but that.

Okay, Bruno has
himself a sparring partner.

Right, Kinch?

Sounds fair.

Hello, Colonel Klink speaking.

Heil h*tler.

Oh!

Oh, General Burkhalter.

How very nice to hear from you.

What's that, sir?

Yes, sir, "shut up
and listen," yes, sir.

Oh, you're arriving tonight

with Captain Stahl
and Major Rudel.

Yes, sir, your quarters will
be ready for you, yes, sir.

What?

Top secret meeting.

Get out of here!

Don't worry, sir,
I won't tell a soul.

Mm-hmm.

Where is Private Mueller?

Private Mueller, Herr Leutnant?

Ja,

the man I ordered to stand
guard outside that door.

I didn't know we had
a Private Mueller, sir.

What about Schmidt?

Oh, we have a
Sergeant Schmidt, sir.

Ah, that's the man.

Where is he?

Off duty, I believe, sir.

Off duty?

Dummkopf!

He disobeyed my orders.

I will see he is transferred
to the Russian Front!

Yes, sir.

I will see his entire
family is transferred

to the Russian Front!

Now you go outside and
take his place outside that door.

I will stand here.

Jawohl, Herr Leutnant.

Quick march.

Eins, zwei, drei,

vier, eins, zwei,
drei, vier, eins,

zwei, drei, vier.

Captain Stahl and Major
Rudel here are assigned

to the Luftwaffe High
Command, the planning staff.

High Command?

Gentlemen, more cognac.

We are here on a
rather delicate matter...

Internal service politics.

You have certainly
come to the right man

for delicate matters.

Your career is
a delicate matter.

The British radar network

has been frustrating
our air att*cks.

The captain and the
major here have a plan

for knocking them out.

Combined sabotage
and Stuka att*cks.

Very carefully coordinated.

Sounds good to me.

Based on my experiences,
they should work.

Thank you, Colonel Klink.

Now, because of a
few senior officers,

the captain and the major
have not been able to get

a hearing for the plan.

I have suggested to commit
this idea to paper in full detail,

then I will take it to
Göring personally.

We need a place to
work for about a week...

in absolute privacy.

They will be dealing
in top secret material:

strength of our first-line
units, airfield locations,

names of German agents in
England, all that sort of thing.

Can you accommodate us, Colonel?

Oh, I shall be greatly honored.

I mean, if my small
contribution will help

to destroy the British radar,
that's all the reward I need.

Commandant, you are
a truly patriotic officer.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Oh, you might mention my
name to Reichsmarschall Göring,

if he likes the plan.

And they're going to
work in the VIP quarters.

Just around the corner.

Imagine the classified
information they need

for a plan like that.

Yeah, all those secret goodies

sitting right on
top of our tunnel.

They'll be guarding
that building

like the bloody Bank of England.

We'd only need ten, maybe
15 minutes with a camera.

Some way to draw those
guards away from that building.

Maybe we could invite them over

to watch Battling Bruno train.

Oh, sure, they'll
leave their post.

Not very likely.

You know, your average
n*zi just isn't a boxing fan.

Well, hold it, hold it, hold it.

Yeah.

They might not leave
to watch training,

but a real fight could
be something else.

When you're sparring with Bruno,

do you think you
could lay him out?

Lay him out?

The problem's going to
be keeping him on his feet.

Herr Kommandant.

All equipment is in
the building as ordered.

Very good, Sergeant Schultz.

Post a 24-hour
guard, your best men.

No unauthorized person is
to enter or leave that building.

Sir, there is no need for
you to worry about security.

I don't worry about security.

It's you and Schultz
that keep me on edge.

I assure you...

Schultz... excuse me, gentlemen.

You got some smelling salts?

Smelling salts?

Yeah, your boy Battling
Bruno is clobbering Kinchloe.

Marvelous! Get
the smelling salts.

Kinch is supposed to
be the sparring partner,

not a punching bag.

That Bruno's a real k*ller.

That's the guard who will bring
the championship to Stalag 13.

Hey, Schultz, hurry it up!

A k*ller.

I'm glad someone
around here is dangerous.

I'd like to see this myself.

Come on.

Schultz!

There he is, Herr General,

a great example of a
fighting man in action.

Hmm, what a specimen.

Ja, I wish he was one of ours.

I meant Battling
Bruno, not the prisoner.

You have visitors.

Yeah, so I see.

Mm-hmm.

You know what to do.

Uh-huh.

Next round.

Make it look good.

He knows that we're here,

so he's going to try
and put on a show.

LeBEAU: Give it to him.

Come on, Kinch.

Beautiful.

Your Battling Bruno
is showing off, all right.

A lucky blow, that's
all, Herr General.

The smelling salt,
Herr... Kommandant.

Smelling salt!

Foul!

I saw it very clearly. Foul!

Foul!

Well, if I know Burkhalter,
we've got our fight.

Carter, save two ringside seats

for Captain Stahl
and Major Rudel.

It was an accident.

Doesn't matter.

By now the news has traveled:

A German has been knocked
out by an American prisoner of w*r,

and a black American
prisoner of w*r at that.

Ah, let the news travel.

Who cares?

It may get to the Führer.

I care very much,
that's who cares.

But surely h*tler
wouldn't, I mean...

Do you recall the 1936
Olympics in Berlin?

An American, Jesse Owens...

Every time he won a gold medal,

h*tler left the stadium

rather than watch
the presentation.

But certainly h*tler could
not compare that to...

He'll manage, don't worry.

Surely Battling Bruno would not
let himself be knocked out again.

Ja.

I keep my eyes open,
Herr Kommandant.

Ja, ja.

Not good enough.

We must even up the score.

It must be known a German
can b*at an American at anything.

Klink!

Arrange a fight

between your champion
here and Sergeant Kinchloe.

And Klink, Bruno must win!

That's an order.

Well, I can't guarantee that...

But you will.

You mean cheat?

Don't bother me with details.

You'll knock him out

or you'll find yourself
fighting a Russian bear

for the Stalingrad Championship.

And guess who will
be in your corner,

shivering.

You mean a real fight?

Regulation gloves, no headgear?

Correct.

Marquess of Queensberry rules.

He was one of our
chaps, you know.

I don't know, it's up to Kinch.

He's the one that's
got to do the fighting.

Sparring partner is one thing,

but really fighting
that k*ller, I don't know.

You knocked him out.

Lucky sh*t, Commandant.

Yeah, very lucky.

I saw the whole thing.

I believe I detect
a note of fear.

Colonel,

we've been together a long time.

I don't want to see Kinch hurt.

Right. That Bruno's a slasher.

He puts me in the
mind of Max Schmeling.

Uh, sir, request
permission to speak.

Sic him, Andrew.

Well, sir, as you
know, an officer's duty is

to protect his men.

Now, if you let Kinch
fight that brute...

I won't order Kinch
to fight Bruno; I can't.

But, well, if he doesn't
accept the challenge,

I just hate the idea of
commanding Hogan's Cowards.

It's got a nice sound
to it: Hogan's Cowards.

I like it.

Well, what's the decision?

Well, I can't let
this side down.

Okay, I'll fight Bruno.

Are you out of your mind?!

You haven't had
the kind of food...!

Back off, fellas.

Kinch made up his own mind.

Excellent.

Shall we say Wednesday night?

Right, your boy has a fight.

Good luck.

You'll need it.

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Ha!

Hey, maybe I
ought to fight Bruno.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier...

Faster, faster, schneller,
schneller, schneller, schneller.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier...

Ah, Bruno, you're
looking very good.

Herr Kommandant!

Danke, Kommandant.

Now, your orders are to
knock out Sergeant Kinchloe

in the first round.

That'll teach them a lesson
about German superiority.

First round, sir?

I don't know if...

Now, uh... I have something here

that will ensure a
first-round knockout.

Now, you will place

these insurance
policies in your gloves.

But Herr Kommandant,
this is cheating.

Schultz, all is fair in w*r.

Herr Kommandant, as
sergeant of the Luftwaffe

and a man of honor, I object!

Would you also object

as a private in
the Luftwaffe, huh?

This is going to
be a terrific fight!

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

The odds are now six to four.

Stay in line.

Keep moving.

Have your money ready, please.

Cash only... no checks.

Right, the credit
department's on the roof.

Take the lift... there you go.

All right, we'll put the
loudspeakers right about here.

That should draw the Krauts
away from the VIP building.

Uh-huh, that should
take the heat off LeBeau.

Fine.

Carter, you're going to handle

volume control from ringside.

I want you to start out
high, fade down low.

Newkirk'll tell you when.

Okay.

LeBeau, I figure

about 15 minutes
for the pictures, huh?

Oui... the camera
is ready, Colonel.

Kinch, that means
the fight's got to go

at least six rounds...

No less.

If I have to carry
Bruno in my arms.

Loudspeaker, w-what loudspeaker?

What, what, what?

General Burkhalter
asked us to set it up,

so the men on
guard duty could hear

a blow-by-blow description.

Yeah, and Andrew will do
a bloody good job of it, too.

Yeah, he's the announcer type.

You mean Carter is going
to broadcast on these?

Uh-huh.

Any objections?

Why didn't Commandant
Klink tell me about it?

I could have set it up.

Well, he was looking
for you, big fella.

I was in the kitchen.

Grazing on liverwurst again?

Official business!

Schultz, it's about time
you got out of the kitchen

and into the w*r.

Loudspeaker system?

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Installed and ready.

I did it myself, just like
General Burkhalter ordered it.

General Burkhalter ordered?

Oh... oh, yes, yes, of course.

Just as General
Burkhalter ordered it.

And Carter's broadcast will be
enjoyed by every man on duty.

What?

Oh... oh, yes, indeed.

I-I'm sure it will.

Very good, very good, Schultz.

Carry on.

It's a loudspeaker,
Herr General.

I know what it is, Klink.

You know, they should hear
the broadcast very plainly.

Sergeant Carter is an
excellent announcer.

The more men who
hear it, the better.

Smart idea letting their
own man describe the fight.

Oh, I knew the setup
would satisfy you.

I supervised it myself.

Good thinking.

Is it possible I have
been underestimating you

all these years, Klink?

No, it's not possible.

Testing... one,
two, three, four.

LeBEAU: Ho, ho!

Good evening, gentlemen,

and a very warm
"Heil h*tler" to you all.

Now, the contest this
evening takes place

with the kind
permission of a man

whose brilliance is matched
only by his high rank.

I refer, of course,
to none other

than the one and only
General Burkhalter.

Silence!

Any POW who gets out of line

will find himself in solitary
confinement on bread and water.

So... enjoy yourselves
and have a good time.

Now... the contestants.

In this corner, wearing
black trunks at 205 pounds,

the pride of Stalag 13

and the champion of all the
Luftstalags, Battling Bruno.

Boo!

In the far corner,
at 195 pounds,

one of our most popular POWs,

Sergeant Kinchloe.

The referee for
tonight's contest

is Oberleutnant Herman
Schmelzer, Fourth Panzer Brigade

and at present the president
of the Düsseldorf Athletic Club.

The judges: General Burkhalter,
Captain Stahl, Major Rudel

and, of course, your commandant.

All n*zi judges
and a Kraut referee.

Has all the makings
of a fair fight.

I want a good, clean fight.

No gouging.

In case of a knockdown,

you go to the neutral corner.

Now shake hands.

When the bell rings,
you come out fighting.

Good luck to you both.

May the best man...

Battling Bruno...

Win.

Did you get the
insurance policies?

Good.

Don't forget...
First-round knockout.

Guten Abend, sports fans.

This is Sergeant Andrew
Carter speaking to you ringside

here at Luftstalag
13 Sports Palace,

ready to bring you
a blow-by-blow detail

of this very, very
great contest.

The boys are in the
center of the ring now.

They're sparring
around just a little bit,

feeling each other out now.

Bruno looks like he can do some
real damage here this evening.

Well, I'd hate to
be in there with him.

Friends, I just wish you
could be here with us.

There goes that Battling
Bruno now with a big uppercut!

And Kinchloe looks
like he's in trouble.

Bruno and Kinchloe
are going into a clinch,

the referee breaks it up.

There they go now.

Kinch backing away.

Bruno looks very, very good.

He tries... tries a left
now there, tries a left.

Bruno just caught Kinch there

with a big left
hook to the chin.

Kinch is on the deck and
the referee's counting now.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine.

Hey, you're doing a great job.

Great job, Kinch.

Could have fooled me.

I thought you were out.

You thought?

What'd you say your name was?

You're kidding.

That guy's got
something in his gloves

feels like two Sherman tanks.

He really caught me.

Should have figured
on a double cross.

Stay out of his way,
get on your bicycle.

You can believe it.

Hey, suppose he clips me again?

Then we're all going
to take the count,

in front of a f*ring squad.

Newkirk,

get going on the P.A.

Right, sir.

Excuse me, sir,
we've had a complaint

from the men in the compound.

It's not loud enough.

Well, let's do something
about it at once.

Yes, sir.

That should do it.

Good.

And there goes the
bell for round two.

Yes, sir, and now
Kinchloe's coming out

looking very fresh and ready.

Yes, sir, he is
ready for revenge.

He's circling around
now, keeping away

from that old Teutonic left
hook that laid him on the deck.

And Bruno takes a left
to the body and a right.

And now he comes for
the jab to Kinchloe's head.

He's connected!

Wow, Kinchloe's
now shaking his head,

trying to clear it out,
but there's no chance.

Let me tell you
something, fight fans...

This Battling
Bruno can really hit.

He doesn't connect very
often, but when he does...

A left, a right, another
left and now another right.

Oh, boy, they're
in a clinch now.

Now they're separated
by the referee,

Oberleutnant Herman Schmelzer.

Now they're backing
away and now Kinchloe's...

What is this?

You're supposed to be on duty.

Back to your posts!

Schnell, both of you, move!

Now Kinchloe's slowed down

just a little bit now
from the pressure

from that bruising,
brutish Battling Bruno.

What a fight this has been.

Yes, sir, I wish you folks
out there in Krautland

could have been here
with us this evening

because we've really
seen ourselves some battle.

Ooh, and Kinchloe is down.

That battling Bruno caught
him again with that big left hook.

This could be curtains
for Kinchloe now.

Four,

five...

Schultz, isn't it exciting?

I'm sorry, Colonel.

LeBeau's not finished...
He's not back yet.

Okay...

back on the bicycle.

Look out for that
bloody uppercut!

Stick him, Kinch!

That a boy!

Stick him! Stick him!

Now, Kinch, now!

Stop the fight!

Stop the fight!

We give up! We give up!

But Colonel!

I just couldn't stand by seeing
you take this punishment, Kinch.

I'm sorry, it's just inhuman.

One minute and ten
seconds of the seventh round,

the winner and champion
of Stalag 13, Battling Bruno.

You know this loss is
costing us a bloody fortune.

Worth every penny
for the pictures I got.

Don't worry, we'll put it on
the expense account to London.

Hey, didn't I pay you once?

Hey, Fritz, come...!

Hey, listen now, any of you
Nazis trying to collect twice,

you're going to get
in serious trouble.

I mean it.

You, Sergeant Kinchloe,
put up a great fight.

Thank you, General.

But the superiority
of the master race

will tell every time.

And Battling Bruno is
still champion of Stalag 13.

Uh, I'd like to be the
one to tell him that, sir...

as soon as he wakes up.

Which should be in a day or so.