05x22 - Six Lessons from Madame LaGrange

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Hogan's Heroes". Aired: September 17, 1965 - April 4, 1971.*
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Hogan's Heroes centers on U.S. Army Air Forces Colonel Robert Hogan and his staff of experts who are prisoners of w*r during World w*r II.
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05x22 - Six Lessons from Madame LaGrange

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Play it how I may ♪

♪ I was made that way ♪

♪ Can't help it ♪

♪ Men cluster to me ♪

♪ Like moths around a flame ♪

♪ And if their wings burn ♪

♪ I know I'm not to blame ♪

♪ Falling in love again ♪

♪ Never wanted to ♪

♪ What am I to do ♪

♪ Can't help it ♪

♪ Can't help it. ♪

I'm so glad you could come.

Fine, now what's the
message from the underground?

Let me get out of here.

You hated my act.

No, I didn't hate it,
but this place looks

like they're holding a
Gestapo convention.

All the other men are
crazy about my act.

Lily, I wouldn't risk my
life to see Gypsy Rose Lee.

Where's she playing?

At her burlesque
house in New Jersey.

If that's the kind of
girls you want to see,

then why don't you
go down the street

to the Can-Can Club.

Lily...

haven't you forgotten something?

What?

A message from the underground.

Please sit down.

The Gestapo is
going to get a list

with the names of all of
our underground people...

Including you and your men.

How are they going to do it?

It is to be delivered
to Major Hochstetter

by a traitor in the underground.

He's a double agent.

When?

I do not know; I am to
receive more information later.

You, uh... better go now.

What, and miss your next show?

You do not have to
stay for me, Colonel.

Lily, I lied to you.

You did?

I would risk my life
for Gypsy Rose Lee.

Would you, um... like me to sing

something special for you?

Yeah, but I am afraid
I won't be able to stay.

Colonel Klink.

He has been making a
play for me every night.

You're kidding.

He has the finesse
of an octopus.

With a monocle.

Yeah, well, good luck.

I'll see you later.

Guess who.

Count Dracula.

Colonel Klink.

Well, I was close.

Hey, anybody talk
to Colonel Hogan

when he came back last night?

No, he came back awfully late.

If you had a rendezvous
with Lily Frankel,

would you come back early?

I wouldn't come back at all.

Once I'd like to meet a
woman in the underground

who looks like Lily Frankel.

The last underground woman I met

looked liked she
could play tackle

for the Chicago Bears.

Who was that?

Aw, that agent from Holland.

She did play tackle
for the Chicago Bears.

That was Dutch Croneburg.

Oh.

Well, I guess I may
as well take her name

out of my little black book.

Hi, fellas.

Hi. Good morning, Colonel.

How was it last night?

Just another death-
defying adventure.

What did Lily Frankel
have to tell you, Colonel?

I'm afraid I got
bad news for you.

She's married.

No, not that bad.

Just the Gestapo's about to
wipe out our whole operation.

You're kidding!

How'd they find out?

They haven't yet,

but a double agent's
going to deliver

a list of all the underground
people to Major Hochstetter.

And our names are
at the top of the list.

What are we going to do?

I suggest we plan a mass escape.

Right.

What, and leave all this?

Colonel Hogan?

Schultz, haven't you
ever learned to knock?

I'm sorry, but I have very
bad news for you, boys.

That's all right, Schultz,
been a day of bad news.

What is it, Schultz?

All you boys have to leave.

We know that, what else is new?

Carter.

What do you mean, Schultz?

The prisoners of Barracks
Two have to double up

with the prisoners
of Barracks Five.

Hey, hold on, Schultz.

Those are my orders.

They bringing in new
prisoners, Schultz?

No, but the Gestapo
is rounding up

all the underground agents.

We are not going to give
up our barracks for civilians.

Yeah, he's right.

Put those draft
dodgers someplace else.

I'm going to have
a word with Klink.

You have to wait
until he wakes up.

He's still asleep at 11:00?

When you dance the
night away with Lily Frankel,

you need all the
rest you can get.

I don't have to
answer to you, Hogan.

Dismissed.

If you weren't the playboy
of the Western world,

the Gestapo wouldn't
be pushing you around.

Look, Hogan, I just got a
call from General Burkhalter.

Already I'm in hot water.

Why don't you
put your feet in it?

You must be pretty
tired from all that dancing.

Oh, please, Hogan,
don't make jokes with me.

I've got General
Burkhalter on one side,

Major Hochstetter
on the other side

and I'm right in the middle.

Doing the Peabody
with Lily Frankel.

Klink, have you
ordered the prisoners

out of Barracks Two?

We were just
discussing that, Major.

What are you doing
discussing Gestapo orders

with a prisoner?

I was not discussing it
with Colonel Hogan at all.

Actually, the conversation
had just gotten around

to Colonel Klink's dancing.

Do you do the Peabody, Major?

The Peabody?

Dismissed, Hogan.

Get him to tell you
about Lily Frankel.

What about Lily Frankel?

You mean you haven't
told Major Hochstetter?

Hogan, dismissed!

Please.

Hogan, where are you going?

I've been dismissed.

By him, not me.

Believe me, Major,
there is nothing to tell.

I have spent a
couple of evenings

with the lovely, charming
and talented Lily Frankel.

Who happens to be in
love with Colonel Klink.

Hogan, you're going too far.

Let's just say that she
has a mad crush on me.

She does?

Which is strange
because the rumor is

she goes for Gestapo men.

She does, huh?

Yeah... every year she
sends Himmler a valentine.

She does...

Hogan, please.

Klink, you and I have
an engagement tonight

with the lovely, charming
and talented Lily Frankel.

See you at 7:00, ja?

At 7:00.

Heil Lily!

Uh... h*tler.

Hogan, why do you hate me?

Hate you, Colonel?

It's not enough that
I'm caught in the middle

between Burkhalter
and Hochstetter,

but now you're
destroying my personal life.

Ah, I wouldn't worry about it.

Hogan, you don't understand.

The lovely, charming and
talented Lily Frankel and I

are on the verge
of a... a relationship.

Hochstetter's no match for you

when it comes to romance.

You know, you're right.

I keep forgetting how
attractive I am to women.

Yeah.

Okay...

Kinch... you, Carter
and Newkirk will use

the tunnel under Barracks
Five for your escape.

Got you.

LeBeau, you and I will go out

through the tunnel
under Barracks Nine.

There you are, sir.

We got enough dynamite here

to blow up the ruddy camp.

Yeah, and I know just
where to place the stuff.

Don't tempt me.

I would love to put
one stick of dynamite

under Klink's quarters.

He's not there... he and
Hochstetter are in town

dancing their feet
off with Lily Frankel.

We'd better work fast before
they get back. You're right.

All right, Newkirk, you and
Kinch start wiring the dynamite,

Carter starts the timers,
LeBeau, watch the window.

LeBEAU: Right!

Here you go.

Schultz is coming!

All right, put it all away.

The fuses.

What are you doing?

It's the last place anyone
would look for dynamite.

Hi, Schultz.

If you're making a bed
check, we're all here.

I just wanted to be sociable.

Just because you're
a social democrat,

you don't have to be social.

Very funny.

Cigar, Colonel Hogan?

Oh, congratulations, Schultz.

I didn't know your
wife was expecting.

Expecting?

I borrowed them from
Commandant Klink's office.

He and Major Hochstetter
are in town dancing.

They could get arrested
for that, even in Germany.

Not with each other.

With Fräulein Lily Frankel.

Who's minding the store?

The SS troopers.

SS troopers?

Yeah.

They're taking over
from our guards.

See for yourself.

He's right... SS
men on the gate.

They're also up
in the guard tower.

Yeah, and they're standing guard

outside the fence
near Barrack Five.

And they're having a
meeting at Barracks Nine.

Schultz, Klink
can't let the Gestapo

take over this camp.

There's nothing
he can do about it.

Well, I'm going to go
see the general... Schultz!

What's the matter?

I wanted to throw the
match into the stove.

That's the one
place you can't put it.

But it's freezing cold in here!

We've got to
keep it cool in here.

LeBeau's making icebox cookies.

Icebox cookies?

Are they good?

They're dynamite.

Dynamite.

Yeah. Come back in an hour,

we'll have coffee
and cookies, huh?

I'm going to have
icebox cookies.

Yeah, thanks for
the cigar, Schultz.

Well, we can forget about
going out through the tunnels.

What's wrong with trying

to overpower the SS
guards at the fence?

I don't know about you,

but their cannons
and machine g*ns

always take the
fun out of it for me.

It was such a good plan.

It's all Klink's fault.

If he wasn't in town
dancing every night,

the Gestapo couldn't take over.

Ain't it marvelous?

Every officer in Germany
wants to be Erich von Stroheim

and we wind up
with Fred Astaire.

Colonel Hogan.

Is Lester Lightfoot in?

Yeah.

Is he in a good mood?

Does that answer your question?

He must have had a big
night on the dance floor.

I think he's having
taps put on his boots.

Come in, come in.

Got a minute, Colonel?

For you, Hogan, anytime.

You certainly seem on top
of the world this morning.

Oh, yes, and I
owe it all to you.

Me, sir? Oh, if
it weren't for you,

Major Hochstetter would
never have gone with me

to see Lily Frankel.

I take it he wasn't
any competition.

Competition?

She couldn't keep
her hands off me.

It's nice to know you
haven't lost the old magic, sir.

Oh, you should have been there.

I danced every dance with her,

while Major Hochstetter
was sitting there

with sauerbraten on his face.

Well, you could have asked Lily
to dance with him at least once.

Hogan, you don't understand.

The man can't dance.

You're kidding.

Confidentially, I've never
seen a Gestapo man that could.

Oh, they're great
goose-steppers,

but nothing on the dance floor.

Yeah.

Uh, how's Hochstetter
taking all this?

He is consumed with jealousy.

Is that why he
took over your camp

with his guards?

Only temporarily.

Hogan, have a cigar.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I suppose you have another
date with her tonight, huh?

Would, uh... Fred miss
a night with Ginger, huh?

You know, sometimes it's
smart not to see them every night.

It keeps them guessing.

Other men can play
that game; I can't.

Why not?

The last time I missed
a date with a woman,

it took two
policemen and a priest

to talk her out of jumping.

I thought I heard
a dog truck coming.

You did... here it comes now.

You sure you don't want me
to come with you, Colonel?

It's better if only
one of us goes.

Go on, Heidi.

Heidi, please go, go.

That a girl.

Keep a bone burning
in the window for me.

You took a chance,
Colonel Hogan.

The place is swarming
with Gestapo and SS men.

I know, but we've got
to have more information

about this double agent.

He is coming here tomorrow
night to meet Hochstetter.

Does he know him?

No, he's expecting
me to point him out.

All right, we've
got to act fast, Lily.

Call Hochstetter; tell him
you want to go dancing

with him tomorrow night.

But he cannot dance.

I know that.

For you, he'll learn.

How is that going to help?

While he's taking six lessons
from Madame LaGrange

for his date with you,
I'll be meeting the agent.

What about Klink?

Break the date.

Tell him you've got
to be with Hochstetter.

I do not know what's worse,

an evening with a
man learning to dance

or one with a man who
will never learn to dance.

Klink is not dazzling
you with his footwork?

Just pray that Germany
falls before my arches.

Lily, I promise you,

this is your last
dangerous assignment.

From now on, simple things,

like blowing up
bridges, derailing trains.

I'm not complaining.

It's just that I prefer dancing

with someone I'm attracted to.

Anyone I know?

Yes.

He's someone very close to you.

What's this?

What's what?

A blonde hair.

Oh, it must be from Heidi.

You go from one
girl to the next.

Oh, you'd like Heidi.

I'm sure I would.

Oh, yes, she's got big,
beautiful brown eyes,

cute little nose, great
legs, all four of them.

I am not interested...

All four of them?

Mm-hmm... and she likes bones.

Get out of here.

Good luck.

May I speak with Major
Hochstetter, please,

at Gestapo headquarters?

Colonel Klink,

may I see you a minute, please?

Hogan, we are on
an inspection tour.

Well, it'll just take
a second, Major.

May we borrow
your phonograph, sir?

Why would you want to
borrow my phonograph?

Klink, how can you
discuss this nonsense

when we have
important work to do?

Madame LaGrange is giving
dance lessons in the barracks.

She needs some music.

Madame LaGrange?

You have a lady
in your barracks?

Actually, LeBeau was Madame
LaGrange before the w*r.

Had a string of dance
schools across France.

Really?

You know, walk in, dance out.

Of course you can
have my phonograph.

Always happy to have
others share the joy of dancing.

It's a pity you haven't
mastered the art, Major.

After you, Colonel.

Arrest Corporal LeBeau in
Barracks Two for interrogation

and bring him to the
cooler immediately.

They come for LeBeau?

He's sitting in the
cooler right now.

Good. The Gestapo just picked
up the phonograph from me.

The plan's working... beautiful.

Yep... I got to
get back to Klink.

Colonel, are you
sure Hochstetter's

going to get LeBeau
to teach him to dance?

Carter, I have never been
as sure of anything in my life.

Well, I wish I
was that confident.

You would be... if
you saw Lily Frankel.

Gin.

Wait outside.

You're wasting your
time, Major Hochstetter.

You're not going to
get anything out of me.

I haven't asked
you anything yet.

All you're going to get

is my name, rank
and serial number.

And a dancing lesson.

A dancing lesson?!

And if you ever tell anyone...

I will have you kept in
this cooler for a year.

Under the Geneva Convention,

I don't have to
teach you to dance.

Take your choice,
eh... Waltz, fox-trot

or sh*t as an escaping prisoner.

Fox-trot.

Wise choice.

We can't dance to this one.

Why not?

"It's a Long Way to Tipperary"?

It's not only the wrong
tempo, it's the wrong w*r.

Can I see you a minute, Colonel?

Dismissed, Hogan.

Very important, sir.

Look, I cannot be bothered

with your trivialities.

Did you know that
Hochstetter arrested LeBeau

and is holding him prisoner?

We're all prisoners.

You too, sir?

I'm a prisoner of love.

Oh, how long are you in for?

Let's not make light of it.

Lily Frankel called me

and broke a date with
me for Hochstetter.

Is that as important as the fact

that he's interrogating
one of your prisoners?

Surely you're jesting.

What does General Burkhalter
have to say about this?

You don't think I would tell

General Burkhalter
about Lily Frankel?

I mean about Hochstetter
taking over your camp.

Hogan, I'm not going to have

General Burkhalter
involved in this.

You're right, knowing how
the general hates the Gestapo,

probably come here and
throw Hochstetter in the cooler

and ruin his evening.

Hogan, don't tell me

what you think General
Burkhalter will say...

He does hate the
Gestapo, doesn't he?

That way LeBeau'd be out,

and you'd be in town

dancing your way
into Lily's heart.

Get me General Burkhalter.

Ah, General Burkhalter,
how very good to see you.

Klink, why are the SS
guards around the camp?

Well, you see, Major
Hochstetter insisted...

Major Hochstetter...

Who gives the orders
here, he or you?

I give the orders here, sir...

with minor exceptions.

Klink, I want you to
replace the Gestapo guards

with your own
guards immediately.

Yes, sir, right away.

Schultz!

Yes, Herr Kommandant.

See to it that all
the Gestapo guards

are replaced by our
guards immediately.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

May I say so, Herr Kommandant,

I'm glad that Major Hochstetter

is not pushing you
around anymore.

You may not say so.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Nice to see you again, General.

I wish I could say
the same, Hogan.

I want to talk to you
in your office, Klink.

Major Hochstetter still
hasn't released LeBeau, sir.

Major Hochstetter has
one of your prisoners?

That's right, General.

He's got LeBeau in
the cooler right now.

Who knows what kind
of t*rture he's giving him?

I am sorry, LeBeau,
I did not mean this.

All right, all right,
let's try it again.

This time you lead.

Now, you hold this hand

and you put your
other hand on my hip.

Must I put my hand on your hip?

If you think I'm going to dance

cheek-to-cheek with
you, you're crazy.

Ja...

all right...

all right.

Now, you start
with your left foot.

Yes.

Left, right!

Left, right.

Right, left.

How am I doing, LeBeau, huh?

Not too bad.

Good.

I can hardly wait to see

the look on Klink's face

when he sees me
dancing with Lily.

May I cut in?

The next dance will
be yours, General.

General!

Guard, release this
man from the cooler.

Arrest Major Hochstetter.

On what charge?!

Dancing with a prisoner, Major.

Ja, uh...

I think you're in trouble, Fred.

Hochstetter looked pretty good.

This is to inform you

that Major Wolfgang
Hochstetter is under house arrest

at Stalag 13.

Now, we are aware that there
is nothing in the regulations

that specifically
covers this case,

with the exception
of Article 2b,

section three, paragraph two,
"Dancing with Another Officer."

Klink, you've got
to be more specific.

You know Berlin wants
every detail in a report.

You're quite right, General
Burkhalter, quite right.

Place of dancing, the cooler;
name of song, "Melancholy Baby."

General, do you
remember who was leading?

I think it was LeBeau.

Didn't Major Hochstetter
have his hand on LeBeau's hip?

You are right, Klink;
LeBeau was following.

Put down, Major
Hochstetter was leading...

and, uh, quite
badly, I might add.

Headquarters is not
interested in your opinion.

Yes, sir.

Strike the last.

You may go, Fräulein Hilda.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

And now, General Burkhalter,

if you will excuse me.

Where are you going, Klink?

I have a marvelous
evening in town planned.

Forget it.

But General Burkhalter,

I have an engagement
with a beautiful fräulein.

Which would you prefer, Klink:

an engagement with
a beautiful fräulein

or a chess game with a general

who can transfer you
to the Russian Front?

White for you, sir?

♪ Poverty... may come to me ♪

♪ That's true... ♪

♪ But what care I? ♪

♪ Say, I'll get by ♪

♪ As long as I ♪

♪ Have you... ♪

How did you like my number?

I think our friend just arrived.

You hated it.

I loved it.

Do you really mean it?

I swear on a stack of
Jeanette MacDonald records.

Excuse me, fräulein,

but have you seen Major
Hochstetter this evening?

Would you like a beer?

No, thank you.

I must be leaving this
place as soon as possible.

We've arranged for the
Gestapo to protect you.

Good.

Good.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Wiedersehen.

Miss Frankel, would
you care to dance?

I would love to.

This may be our last dance.

I'm to leave for
England in an hour.

You dance beautifully, Colonel.

Why not?

I took six lessons from
Madame LaGrange.
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