05x20 - Willona, the Other Woman

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Uh... We got choked.

You're gonna
choke. s*ab yourself.

Hang!

On the floor.

Come on.

Michael... how many
times have I told you

about eating Thelma's cooking?

What was it, Michael?

Die. Live and Let Die.

What?

Michael, I said "die."

No, sugar, you said "live."

Penny said "let."

I said... Nobody said die.

Well, well, well.

Hello there, Mrs. Bookman.

Hello, J.J.

May I speak with
my husband, please?

Uh, Mr. Bookman isn't here.

Not here? No.

But he said he'd be here.

He said he had to
unclog your kitchen sink.

Mrs. Bookman, our
sink's not clogged.

Yeah, even if it was,
Bookman wouldn't fix it.

We would.

My dear, anyone can use Drano.

Yeah, but around here

we got something more
powerful than Drano.

All we do is hang Thelma's
picture over the drain,

and the clog runs away.

We call it Thelmo.

Yes... and when
it's really clogged up,

we have to use the snake,

so we send J.J.
down there personally.

Aah! Batface!

So, you have no
idea where Nathan is?

Uh-uh. But we'll
give him a message

if we see him.

Yeah, what should we tell him?

Tell him...

Uh, how do we spell that?

Mrs. Bookman, what's wrong?

I can't tell you.

It's too personal, too intimate,

too painful.

Well, if you want it that way...

Well, it started
about a month ago.

Nathan started going
out almost every evening.

He told me he was working,

but he's never where
he's supposed to be.

So I guess the answer's obvious.

My Nathan is seeing
another woman!

Ha-ha. Another woman?

I can't imagine seeing
Bookman with another woman.

Another buffalo.

Um... Mrs. Bookman,

what J.J. meant was, you know,

Mr. Bookman with
another woman...

that's impossible.

Then why did he tell me
he was coming here tonight?

And why did he leave the
house without his tool belt?

I've never known
him to work without it.

He even wore it
on our honeymoon.

Well, um, maybe he just
took in a movie, you know?

Yeah, even Bookman needs
a change in his daily routine.

He gets tired of
sleeping all day.

Bookman doesn't
go to the movies.

He says they don't
stimulate him intellectually.

Intellectually?

Hold on, we talking about
the same Mr. Bookman?

It's all my fault.

I'm just not Nathan's equal

when it comes to
the brains department.

After all, a man gets
tired of coming home

to just a beautiful face
and figure every day.

You mean Mr. Bookman
was married before?

J.J. Uh, Mrs. Bookman,

I'm sure there's an explanation.

I mean... I just can't
imagine Bookman

with another woman on the side.

Don't be too sure of yourself.

There's more to Nathan
than meets the eye.

If there was any
more to Mr. Bookman,

he'd be the 51st state.

Well, when Mr. Bookman
comes home,

he can explain the
whole thing to you,

and all your
worries will be over.

Sweet Thelma...
you're probably right.

Nathan cheat on me?

Never.

Oh, I feel so much better.

Thank you so much, everyone.

Hi, Vi. Hi.

Girl, there's so many things

that need to be
done around here.

Where is Booger?

What is she crying about?

I always call him Booger.

Hi, Mama.

Hi, baby. What's going on?

What's happening
with Mrs. Bookman?

She thinks Mr. Bookman
has a chick on the side.

What?

Whatever that is.

Well, Willona, Bookman's
been sneaking out.

Mrs. Bookman thinks
he's seeing another woman.

Oh, no!

Seeing another woman.

Bookman and another woman!

Lord have mercy!

I'll believe that

when I see Reverend
Ike ride the bus.

Can you imagine any
woman in her right mind

going out with Bookman? Nope.

Can you imagine...

Oh, now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, now.

Me, being the
emperor of ecstasy...

The connoisseur of amour...

I think Bookman is attracted

to someone directly
opposite of him.

Directly opposite of Booger?

Lord!

You know what?

Then Booger is going out

with a skinny,
hardworking white woman.

Now, wait a minute.

Just because a man
is sneaking out at night

doesn't mean he's
cheating on his wife.

You're right.

Ain't no point in
accusing nobody falsely.

Y'all remember
Ray, my ex-husband?

Oh, yeah, Ray.

He used to go out at night.

I wasn't worried.

I wasn't confused.

I trusted him.

You want to know what
he was really doing?

What? Seein' another woman.

Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.

J.J., we just cannot let Mrs.
Bookman go through that.

Why don't we ask
Mr. Bookman where he goes?

Oh, no, honey. It's dangerous.

Asking a dude if he got
another woman on the side?

He could go berserk
and go upside your head.

Or break your face.
That's what I mean.

Or rip off your lips.

So who's gonna ask him?

Mama, do I have to go next door?

I told you that Bookman and I

have a little talk to do today,

and it's kind of personal.

Are you gonna ask
him if he has a girlfriend?

Oh, I'm gonna ask him,

but not just like that, bluntly.

You know what I mean?

It wouldn't be nice.

Then how are you gonna do it?

Well, I'm going to be clever.

I'm gonna use tact...
and psychology.

The same kind of psychology

I used to discover
that you were the one

that ate the last
piece of blueberry pie.

Oh, you're gonna open his mouth
and see if his teeth are purple.

You ain't funny. Get out.

Go on, get your game and go.

Say hi and goodbye, young lady.

All right.

Hi, Penny.

Sorry I can't stay, Mr. Bookman,

but I got to go to the Evans'

so Mama can talk
personal with you.

Well, Miss Woods,

what is this
life-and-death emergency

that can't wait for me
to put you on my list?

Oh, there was no emergency, man.

You mean, you're
wasting my valuable time?

Well, I had to
think of something

to get you up here by yourself.

Um, Miss Woods, I got to go.

Oh, come on, baby.

Come on, relax.

Sit down.

We got the whole
night ahead of us.

We do? Uh-huh.

You know what?

All these years we've
known each other,

we never really talked.

But now all that's gonna change.

It is?

That's why I sent Penny
over... to the Evans',

so, you know, we
could be by ourselves,

have a little privacy.

I knew I splashed
on too much Brut.

Booger... sit down, please.

Relax.

Have a little wine.

A little bit for you...

and a little bit for me.

Uh, Miss Woods. Yeah?

You know, I'm a married man.

I shouldn't be fooling
around like this.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Oh, no, we're not.

Miss Woods, look, this
may break your heart,

but listen to me, please.

But it's too late for us.

It's only five after 7:00.

I mean it's too late
for us to have a fling.

A what?

I can't blame you for trying.

You know, Miss Woods...

In a building full
of lonely women,

I guess the janitor
is just a sex object.

Of course, if it's
any consolation,

if we'd have met 20 years ago...

Get your hands off me, fool!

Don't you have any idea
why I asked you up here?

Yeah, like I told you,

in a building full
of lonely women...

Ain't nobody that lonely, honey.

I asked you up here, Booger,

because you're my friend

and I'm trying to help
save your marriage.

Ain't nothing wrong
with my marriage.

When's the last time you looked?

Honey, last night, Mrs.
Bookman was knocking on

everybody's door looking
for you. Hey, come on.

Violet already
hassled me about this.

Don't you do it, Miss Woods.

All Violet wants to know is
where you're going every night.

Why don't you tell her

so she can stop
climbing the walls, man?

She knows where I am.

There ain't nothing
to be upset about.

Yes, there is. Listen, sit down.

The one thing I want... ah!

Look what you did.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

I can't go out like this!

Good, you ought to
stay home sometime.

Look, Miss Woods, do me a favor.

Can you take the stain out?

Oh, you want me
to do you a favor?

I'll put you on the
list like you do me.

Please?

Oh, okay, okay.
Take your pants off.

What?

I said take your pants off.

And where am I supposed to go?

Go into the bathroom,

take off your pants
so I can clean 'em.

What you doing
wearing your Sunday suit

in the first place?

You a janitor. Don't
you know that?

Never mind that, Miss Woods.

Please get the stain out.

I got an appointment
in 20 minutes.

What kind of appointment?

Oh, it's not that important.

Well, if it ain't
that important,

why are you in such a hurry?

What?

I've got to catch
up on some work.

Oh, now, I know that's a lie.

There's a window
in that bathroom

that's been sealed up so long

that my daughter
thinks it's a painting.

Don't worry. I'll
fix it tomorrow.

Hurry up, please.

Tomorrow, tomorrow...
Lord have mercy.

You got enough...
material in these pants here

to make new costumes
for the Sylvers.

I tell you, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself.

Hi, Willona.

Hi, Vi.

Nathan said he had
some work up here.

Where is he?

Well, you know,
uh... Hey, hurry up.

I ain't got all night, you know.

Oh, Nathan!

Oh, Violet!

Oh, Lord!

Vi, listen, it's not
what it looks like.

You know what happened?

Booger came up,

I gave him a glass of wine,
he spilled it on his pants.

I was trying to clean it off.

You got to understand.

Believe...

You don't believe
nothing I'm saying.

Talk to her.

Talk to her!

Oh, don't bother to get
dressed on my account.

I'm only your wife.

Hey, look, Violet,

this is all one big
misunderstanding.

Nathan... every time
you look in the mirror,

it's one big misunderstanding.

Vi, Vi, wait a minute.

Vi... I was doing this for you.

I was just trying to help you.

I was trying to find out

where your husband
goes at night.

Well, it seems
to me it's obvious

where he goes at night.

Obvious?

Vi... Vi, you think he and me...

Girl, that is ridiculous.

All right.

Where do you go then, Nathan?

Wh-wh-where?

Uh, "Where?" "Where?"
Where nothin'. Tell her!

Okay, Violet, you found me out.

I'm seeing Miss Woods.

What?

What are you
talking about, sucker?

Vi, he's lying though
his teeth, honey.

He's lying. I'm innocent.

Oh, yeah?

Then whose pants
was in whose hands?

Hey, Violet, look.

We'll both laugh about
this when we get home.

You better start now.

This is as close to home
as you're gonna get.

But, Violet... But, Violet...

Your things will be in the hall.

Where am I supposed to sleep?

You can make your home
where the buffalo roam.

Well, Buff... you
better talk fast, honey.

Why'd you tell her
you were seeing me?

Because I couldn't
think of another lie.

You couldn't think
of another lie?

How about the truth?

It couldn't be any worse

than what you told her,

as far as I'm concerned!

That's my problem, not yours.

What do you mean, fatso?

You just made it my problem.

Well... what's going
on around here?

Either Mrs. Bookman's crying,

or the rats and roaches
started yodeling.

J., Violet thinks she knows
who the other woman is.

Who? Me.

What?

Yeah, that's what
El Casanova told her.

And she believed him?

Kicked me out. I ain't
got no place to stay.

You got that right, honey.

That's too bad, Bookman.

Okay, goodbye.

Hey, wait a minute, J.J.

My man, old buddy.

Lookit here. I don't want
you to worry about me

being out in the cold at night,

because as I see it,

I got one or two
places I can stay.

Oh, yeah? What's number one?

Number one is the apartment

where the Evans family lives.

No way, Jose.

Bookman, you better come up

with number two.

Number two is the apartment

where the Evans
family used to live.

J.J., how long is Bookman
gonna be staying here?

I guess until Violet's convinced

that Willona's
not his girlfriend.

That could be forever.

Damn, with all his
junk laying around here,

don't be surprised

if you find plaster of
Paris in your pancakes.

Thelma, the way you cook, it
wouldn't make any difference.

Hi.

I see Sleeping
Beauty's still... sleeping.

Oh, Willona, it is
just awful in here

with that old buffalo
snoring and everything,

and all his junk laying around.

Oh, I can't take it anymore.

Let me try.

Booger?

Booger... get up!

Booger... The house is on fire!

Food!

Booger... why don't
you stop this foolishness

and go on back home?

Don't you miss your wife?

Yeah, I guess I miss her.

So why don't you tell her?

I don't miss her that much.

Whatever you're doing lately,

it can't be too important

that you're jeopardizing
your marriage.

Not to mention my reputation.

You know, the word is out

that you and I got
something going on.

Can you imagine?

I'm getting all these
strange phone calls.

Other offers?

No, condolences.

Look, Miss Woods, you know,
I hate to put you through this,

but I just can't tell
you anything now.

I'm sorry.

Thanks a lot.

Well, Willona, don't
say you didn't try.

I'll see y'all
later. Okay, baby.

You know, Willona, I
had a terrible thought.

Suppose Bookman is
not seeing another woman,

but he's doing
something illegal.

Illegal?

Like pushing pot?

With that belly,

a pot's the only
thing he could push.

Wow.

Excuse me,

I was told I could find
Nathan Bookman here.

Well, he is here,
but he's busy now.

In the meanwhile,

would you like to
take a little plunge?

Well, I just stopped by
to bring him his sweater.

He left it in my
room last night.

He... H-he... Wait,
wait, wait, wait.

He left this sweater
in your room last night?

Well, I think it was last night,

because the night before that,

he wasn't wearing one.

Lord have mercy.

Well, so you're the
one he's been seeing?

Of course.

Well...

just give him his sweater.

Hey, what about
some hot water in here?

Somebody should
call the janitor.

Hello, Nathan.

Hello, Brenda.

Brenda! What are you doing here?

I brought your sweater.

Oh, well, thanks.

Sorry you can't stay.

Hold it, hold it, honey.

Let's show a little

southern hospitality
around here.

Let's get to know
her a little better.

I think Violet
would like to meet

this young lady here.

No, she really can't stay.

Thank you, but I really
must be on my way.

And I'll see you tonight.

One more thing.

Um...

Your mind didn't seem
to be on your work

last night, Nathan.

Uh...

I, uh...

I hope you do
better by next week.

Yeah, I will, I will.

After all, as your teacher,

I want you to be
ready for the test.

Test? What test?

Good Lord, it's
late! You got to go!

The high school
equivalency test.

Nathan is gonna get his diploma,

aren't you, Nathan?

Yeah.

See you tomorrow, Brenda.

Is that what this is all about?

Oh, Booger, you're
getting your high...

Oh, going to night school.

Yeah, what's wrong with
going to night school?

And the way that teacher looked,

I wouldn't mind
matriculating with her myself.

Mm-hm.

Bookman, why were
you afraid to tell your wife?

You guys just don't understand.

Oh, you can talk to her.

Will someone tell Mr. Bookman

that the soon-to-be-ex-
Mrs. Bookman

is announcing their
legal separation?

Hey, Violet, you wouldn't!

I wouldn't?

And I'm getting a
Mexican divorce.

You're going to Tijuana?

No. My attorneys are
Gomez and Gonzalez.

Don't let her do this, Booger.

Just tell her. Stop her.

Come on, tell her the truth.

Hey, um, Violet, you
really want to know

what I've been doing nights?

If you care to tell me.

Go on, go on.

Well, I-I've been,
um... I've, uh... uh...

I've been working as
a topless bartender.

Oh!

Why are you acting like that?

Violet. Violet, wait a minute.

Violet, wait.

Are you gonna tell
her the truth, man?

Okay, I'll tell you.

Nathan has... No.

Shut up. I'm gonna tell her.

Nathan has been
going to night school

to get his high school diploma.

His high school diploma?

Oh.

That's ridiculous!

And even wilder

than Nathan's topless
bartender story.

Everyone knows

that Nathan is a
college graduate.

Right, Nathan?

Right, Nathan?

Well, Nathan, ain't
that what you told me?

I lied.

You lied?

I dropped out of school when
I was in the eleventh grade

to go to work.

I've been going to night school.

Well, why did you lie, Nathan?

Because...

Okay. Violet,
when I first met you,

I wanted you more than
anything in the world.

And when a guy wants
something that bad,

he'll do anything to get it.

I found out

that you were impressed
by college men,

so I became a college man.

Then why did you decide
to go back to school?

The Reverend Jesse Jackson.

I was watching him on
one of those talk shows,

and he was talking
about Operation PUSH.

I stood there

and I took a long
look at myself.

Here I am, 43 years old,

and I ain't
accomplished nothing.

I mean, it seemed
like it was too late.

But it isn't, Violet.

I'm going back to high school.

I'm gonna get my
high school diploma.

And I'm gonna make
something out of myself.

Well... now you know the truth.

You can go to Gomez and
Gonzalez and get el divorce-o.

Nathan, I'm not
getting a divorce.

Why not? I mean...

I married you, after all,
under false pretenses.

Nathan, any kid can
drop out of high school...

but it takes a real
man to go back.

Nathan, I'm prouder of you now

than I've ever been.

Oh... dear, sweet Willona...

I'm so terribly
sorry for all of this.

Can you forgive me?

Vi, I... Fine.

Miss Woods, Vi is sorry.

I am too.

Hey, hold on there, bro man.

What about that hot water?

You're supposed to fix that.

Uh, my Nathan...

practically a high
school graduate,

doing manual labor?

How dare you!

Coming, Nathan?

♪ Mmm... ♪

♪ Just lookin' Out
of the window ♪

♪ Watchin' the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how It all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head Above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave When you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit Ripoffs ♪

♪ Good times ♪

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in front of a studio audience.

♪ Good times ♪