Jason: Make breakfast, make coffee, wake up!Better wake up first.Oh.I made breakfast?Did I make coffee?I did.Wonder what else I've done this morning?
Mike: Hey!Good morning, Dad.
Jason: Hey, Mike, you're up.
Mike: Yeah.
Jason: I've over-slept, it must be noon.
Mike: Oh no, Dad, it's only six thirty.
Jason: Oh, well that's terrific, Mike; your very first day of the new semester, and you decide to stay out all night.That's very smart.
Mike: Dad, I did not stay out all night!
Jason: Well, I call Six thirty am, staying out all night!
Mike: Dad, I did not just get in.Look...look...I...I woke up early and I made breakfast.
Jason: Who's the girl, Mike?
Mike: Dad, do you see a girl in here?
Jason: No!I'm talking about the girl in your apartment, that you got up early to make breakfast for.
Mike: Dad, I got up early because I'm excited about my first day of class.
Jason: Oh?Aha!So, any class in particular.
Mike: Yeah, Dad!Look, Introduction to Acting.I mean, Dad this class is not just a bunch of books and papers and other pointless, useless garbage that Carol lives for.I mean, all that we do is act.
Maggie: Jason, who are you "aha-ing" to at this time in the morning?
Jason: Well, Mike got up early, he made breakfast, and he's excited about a class.
Maggie: Where is she?
Mike: Mom, come on!
Maggie: Aha!So, what about this acting class?
Carol: Aha!
Mike: What is it with you people?You act like I have never cared about school in my life!
Maggie: Aha.
Mike: Mom, I have been excited about school, dozens of times.
Carol: Name one!
Jason: That's it, he's taking a nude acting class!
Ben: Mike's in a nude acting class?
Mike: Yeah, yeah Benny, I'm in a nude acting class!And I've got a girl hidden up in my room, plus a spare one stashed under the counter, and I've made breakfast; they're all yours, take your pick!
Mike: I'm early.I'm very early.Heck, why not?I can do this.And now accepting the best actor award for Mike Seaver is...Mike Seaver!!Mike!Mike!Mike!Mike!Oh, hi, ah, I was just...err...testing out the acoustics here...Mike, Mike.Sounds good to me.Mike Seaver.
Tony: Tony Dissipio.
Mike: So, you ready for this class?
Tony: Oh, I sure am.I'll tell you the truth- I've never been early for a class in my whole life, except that nude photography course last year.
Mike: We...I don't remember you in Nude Photography 1.
Tony: I was in two.Hey, listen, wait, before I get to like you- your not one of these big deal actors, with a list of credits from here to Broadway, just slumming in this class?
Mike: Oh, no...no, no, I'm...err...I've only done a couple of things...err...off Broadway.
Tony: Off Broadway?All I got is a couple of seasons of summer stock.
Mike: Wow, now there's some summer stock.So, I guess you two know each other.Hi, my name is Mike Seaver.
Kay: Kay McDonnell.ice to meet you, Mike.
Mike: The pleasure's all mine.OK, it's mostly Tony's.So...err...what do you guys hear about this teacher?
Kay: Well, I understand that Professor Thorn is a master of the Strasbourg method.
Mike: Oh, because...err...Well, 'cause I've had teachers do that to me.
Professor: And you!
Tony: Because you were acting.
Mike: Tony, didn't you hear, there's no papers, tests, or anything.
Tony: Oh!Just in case I wanna look something up later.
Professor: So, is acting merely the ability to memorize lines and not bump into the furniture?Oh, by the way, you should all know who said that.
Class: Spencer Tracy.
Professor: Very good!...
Mike: Can I borrow a piece of paper?And a pen.
Professor: So, what exactly is acting?Is it something you see on a stage?Maybe.Something you see in the cinema?
Mike: Could I borrow another piece of paper?I write kind of big.Who was that last master guy's name?
Student: Ibsen.
Mike: Who?
Mike: Oh sure...err sure...err...He was the old guy in Beverly Hill Billie's, Buddy Ibsen!
Professor: I see.And what is your name young man?
Mike: Ahh...Mike Seaver.
Mike: Is there a D?
Ben: Hey Mike, you wanna sh**t some hoops?
Mike: No thanks Benny.I've got a long night of reading ahead of me, alright?
Ben: Mike, Mom and Dad aren't around.Don't pull this stuff with me.
Mike: Benny listen, is Carol up in her room?
Ben: Yes, she's crying about a new zit.
Mike: Oh, well listen, I've got to see her.
Ben: On purpose?
Mike: Yeah, I need to use her dictionary.
Ben: The fifty pound one!The bug k*ller!
Mike: Yes.Yeah Benny, that's the one.
Ben: The roaches are back, huh?
Mike: Benny look, I have to look up a few words...err...Hey nothing gets by you, Benny.You know, if you go upstairs and you ask Carol for that dictionary, I'll let you squish the ones in the pizza box.
Ben: Deal!Carol!
Maggie: Hi, honey!
Jason: Hey!
Maggie: What are you surprising me with tonight?
Jason: Well ,I thought maybe after the kids went to sleep...maybe we could...err...
Mike: Sloppy Joes!!!!
Jason: Hey Mike!How's that acting class you were all excited about?
Mike: Oh, err, it's great, Dad, just great.
Maggie: What are those?
Mike: They're books, Mom.
Jason: Yeah, school having a paper drive?
Mike: No Dad, this is some stuff that I wanna read tonight.
Jason: Oh, that's good, you're acting now, right?
Mike: Look, Dad, is it that unbelievable that I wanna take home a few thousand pages to read for my own amusement?
Jason: Well, I'm sorry Mike, I didn't know you were so serious.
Mike: Well, I am, Dad.You know?I mean look, I may not be as...as well-read as Carol, I may not be as academically inclined as Carol, I may not be as smart as Carol...
Carol: May not be?
Maggie: Carol, this is not the time to make fun of your brother.
Carol: Ah, I take 'em where I can get 'em.Here, and clean off the roach guts when you're finished.
Mike: Carol, I am not k*lling bugs, alright?I'm looking up words...big ones!!Big, humungous words!Giant words no-one's even heard of; as hard as that is to comprehend.
Maggie: Well, I have never seen Mike like that.Whatever's wrong, I can fix it.
Maggie: Jason, this is Mike we're talking about.
Jason: I said a little faith.
Professor: And so, my fellow actors, I trust you all have audition oppo...
Mike: Sorry I'm late.
Professor: And so, my fellow actors, I trust you all have audition opportunities to share with each other this morning.
Kay: The East Village Rep.is holding trials for Oedipus next week.
Professor: Oh!Wonderful challenge for the young actor.And if any of you boys should be lucky enough to get cast in Oedipus, don't forget to invite your mother.
Tony: I heard they're holding auditions for After the Fall, this weekend at the Soho Theatre, in the alley.
Mike: Err...well actually...errm...I prefer, Death of a Salesman.
Professor: Yes, so do I.
Mike: Because that's the one I read, last night.
Mike: Yeah, I read that they're having auditions tomorrow for McGregor's Fish and Chips.
Professor: McGregor's Fish and Chips?Is that the new Marmot play?
Mike: Oh no, no sir, that's his...err...the old restaurant.You know their slogan, "our fish don't stink!"
Professor: Somehow that one got by me.
Mike: Oh yeah, well it says right here...err...Play, Swimmy, the happy fish; twelve commercials, personal appearances, big money.
Mike: But, don't you have to start somewhere?
Student: Hey look, when you go, say hi to Buddy Ipsom for me.
Professor: Alright, alright!Enough frivolity ladies and gentlemen.Let's loosen up with another exercise, hmm?
Mike: Oh, but sir...I'm...this...I'm sorry, but this is what I've always wanted to do.
Professor: No, no, no, I mean, I'm going to demonstrate the exercise from here.You'll have to move.
Mike: Oh...oh right!
Maggie: He didn't show up for dinner, dessert, or even a snack.That's it, it's been twenty seven hours, I've been a good sport, but now it's time to find out what's bothering my little boy.
Jason: Maggie!Honey...
Maggie: And don't say anything logical or correct that I'll know is right in my heart of hearts!
Jason: Honey, I was just gonna say...
Maggie: Jason, sometimes you amaze me.Our little boy's in agony, and you're about to stuff your face.Where are you going?
Jason: I'm taking Mike a snack.
Maggie: But, you said it was a bad idea to go up there!
Jason: Yes I know.I'm inconsistent, Maggie.It's part of the wackiness that makes me so damned interesting.
Mike: (reading from a play) "When he himself might his quietest make with a bare bodkin, Who would fardols bare..." Hey, there's only one word in this sentence I don't have to look up, Come in!
Maggie: We brought you something to eat.
Mike: Oh.Ah...thanks.Just put it down, I'll get to it later.
Maggie: What do we do now?
Jason: Maggie, I've got us this far, didn't I?So, Mike, you're studying, I see.
Mike: Yep.
Maggie: Ahh."When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin.Who would fadols bare, to grunt and sweat under a weary light."
Mike: Hey, am I the only guy in this planet who does not get this Hamlet junk?You know, if you ask me, this does not speak very well of the education I got at Dewey High School!
Jason: Well, maybe you just weren't paying attention the day they covered that.
Maggie: Mike, honey, if it'll make you feel better, I don't have a clue what a fardol is.
Mike: Well the kids in my class, do understand this stuff.You know, and some of 'em have even done plays by Chekhov.I mean, until two days ago, I thought Chekhov was the Russian guy off Star trek!
Maggie: You can't know every play that's ever been written!
Mike: Tell me about it, Mom!I've been up till three am, reading these stupid things, and I made a bigger fool out of myself in class today, than I did yesterday.If I keep reading this stuff, they're gonna lynch me!
Maggie: Well Mike, what if you only thought you were making a fool of yourself, and you really weren't.A lot of times, your father thinks he's made a total fool out of himself and err...
Mike: Alright, Ok, today...like I brought in this audition for...this audition notice for a television ommercial...a real job!McGregor's Fish and Chips.
Maggie: Oh, I know their commercials, "If it smells bad, you're in the wrong place!" Or something like that...
Mike: Dad, now you see how you and I are staring at Mom, like she's out of her mind; well that is how the whole class stared at me taday!!
Jason: Well...
Mike: You know I...I just don't get it!I don't get it!You know, I feel like I don't fit in.And I have always been able to fit in with everybody!And at Dewey, even though Principal Dewitt would...would punish me for four years every single day, I know that deep down, the man liked me!
Jason: He loathed you.
Maggie: He did.
Mike: Well, it's just that the kids in my class know more, and have done more than I ever will.you know, I think I'm just kidding myself about this whole acting thing.
Jason: So, what are you gonna do about it?
Mike: I don't know.I'm supposed to ask you that.
Jason: Well, we can't answer that, Mike.
Maggie: Well, speak for yourself, Jason.
Jason: No, honey, he's not a little boy.He's got to make his own decisions.I think, Mike, that this is your dream and only you can decide if the pain is worth it.
Mike: So, is it worth it?
Mike: Oh, where was I?Oh yeah, I was looking up, "bodkin".
Mike: "If I do improve and make a big change, would you be...I mean, could you be...
Student: "I am now.I always have been."
Mike: "So, I guess this is a pretty important talk we've been having."
Student: "Yes...yes"
Mike: Yeah.
Mike: OK.This isn't Oedipus, this isn't Hamlet, it's not even death of a Salesman, but it's a start, it's not nowhere, it is somewhere, and I am not too good to make my start right here...today...now!
Auditioner: Fish or chip?
Mike: What?
Auditioner: What are you auditioning for, fish or chip?
Mike: Oh, well...err...Are chips making personal appearances?
Auditioner: Who'd come out to see a chip, huh?They wanna see Swimmy, the happy fish.
Mike: Oh, oh, alright, well Swimmy it is.
Mike: Ah, is this seat taken?
Man: Sit!Sit!So, my friend auditioned for this a little earlier and told me all about it.
Mike: Ah, well...err...hey, whatever they make me do is fine, 'cause after the way I've been humiliated this week, it doesn't matter.
Man: Wow, so you're married.Wow, look at the gills on that one!
Mike: Hey, wait a minute, I know them.What the heck are they doing here?I mean, they've been in plays and summer stock, and they laughed at me when I told 'em about this audition.I mean they're no better than I am.
Auditioner: Come on people!The part of Swimmy has already been cast.
Actors: Hey!What!
Man: Hey, I've been eating worms for three days!
Professor: Once again gentlemen, very clever material!Just hope my swimming lives up to your vision.
Tony: Do you believe that guy, what a phony!!
Kay: He's not what he seemed at all, m Apparently not a lot of people are.
Tony: Mike?
Mike: Ah...why don't we just start over.My names Mike Seaver, I've done two plays in my whole life, both of them at high school.
Tony: Tony Dissipio, and I have done summer stock.I built scenery.
Kay: Kate McDonnell, and I'm not used to this honesty stuff, it's gonna take a while.I wanna act.
Tony: Me too.
Mike: Me too.
Man: Hey, I just called my service; New York Zoo is looking for people that look like walruses.It's not right for me, but I figured I'd toss it your way!!
Jason: Make breakfast.
Maggie: Make coffee.
Mike: Oh, you guys, don't worry, I'm not just getting home, OK?
Jason: Don't worry, we believe you.
Maggie: Yeah.I'm just thrilled that you're excited about your class...any class.
Mike: Hey, you bet, and you know, thanks and...You guys letting me make that decision on my own, it's really changed my life.
Maggie: Well Mike, I guess we can finally say that we trust you.
Mike: Oh, well thanks, Mom.
Girl: Mike!!!We're still waiting for the coffee.
Mike: Oh...err...just one minute.
Jason: Just one second!
Girl 2: Can I come out now?
Mike: Oh, there you are!Oh, hey, let me help you out.Here, come on out here.I'll be right up, OK?
Maggie: Look, Mike...
Mike: Mom, Dad, listen, you know if I weren't in that stage in life where you trusted me and wanted me to make my own decisions, I would feel the need to explain here...but I don't.
Jason: Hey, hold on!
Maggie: Do you think you can walk out of her without..
Mike: Got ya!
05x04 - Fish Bait
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Series followed the misadventures of the Seaver family, Jason & Maggie and their three children Mike, Carol, and Ben.
Series followed the misadventures of the Seaver family, Jason & Maggie and their three children Mike, Carol, and Ben.