07x16 - The Agent

[bunniefuu]

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ Then suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

Before you go passing
judgment, just remember

Peanut butter cookies
are not easy to make.

It's all those ingredients you
have to measure and everything.

So take that into account
before you go passing judgment.

All right, what do you think?

Therph pflovph phrofe.

On a scale of 1 to 10.

Oh, good. We're improving.

Thesepfl arpfl awopfl.

Oh, yeah. Blame me.

You're the one that dropped mrs.
Garrett's recipe down the disposal.

I've made up my mind.

Tootie, you cannot give
up your acting career

Because a high school
newspaper gave you a so-so review.

So-so?

"The highlight of the
play was when joan of arc,

"Played by tootie ramsey,

"Was b*rned at the stake.

"We were later
disappointed to discover

It wasn't real fire."

Ok, so the death
scene wasn't great.

You're a professional.
You can work on it, hone it.

[Cough cough]

That's much more realistic.

[Imitates bugle]

Mail call!

Good load today.

Uh... Jo.

Blair.

It's from mrs. Garrett.

Tremendous. She sent the recipe.

Tootie.

And resident.

All the rest are for me.

Those crazy girls
from summer camp.

Work for publisher's
clearing house, do they?

They just use the envelopes.

They don't want to let the whole
world know they're crazy about me.

Read the recipe out loud.

Three eggs. I did that.

Half cup peanut butter.

Half a cup?

Yeah, half a cup.

You know, one and a two
with a little line between them.

Guess I didn't
see the little line.

You used 12 cups
of peanut butter?

Terrific. My acting
career is ending,

And I finally get my
subscription to variety.

Before you decide to quit,

Take a look in there, see
what those big actors make.

Mega bucks. Look at this.

"West coast v.p. Nixes pres post

In ankles vid pix."

Need more proof?

Now, see? That's the end of
the business I should get into.

What end? I don't
even know what I said.

The business end. The movers,
the shakers, the power brokers.

Everybody has to be nice to you,

Because if they're
not, you'll crush them.

Well, would you be happy?

I would if I could crush this
critic who wrote this review.

Whoa!

Can do that with a beer can?

What can I do for you?

Will you marry me?

What?

All right. I can't
take rejection.

I want a little
snack. What's good?

Well, we have
some fresh cookies.

Cookies are for kids.

Real men don't eat cookies.

I thought that was quiche?

Real men don't
even say that word.

I want some hard bread.

You know, real
hard, 10-days old.

Or do you have some
year-old licorice?

You know, the kind
that breaks your teeth?

How about some coffee?

Only if it's strong and
hot, and I'm talking hot.

Real men like to
burn their tongues

Just as much as they
like breaking their teeth.

I guarantee you it's hot.

How much will
that be, little lady?

35 Cents.

You take dirty money?

Real men only carry dirty money.

Here's a dirty quarter
and a slimy dime.

You can have your
coffee over here,

Or don't real men sit down?

Of course we sit down.

I just hope this chair's
got some splinters in it!

Don't you ever do straight
lines? Tootie ramsey.

Not too often. Robert davis.

I'm natalie green.

I'm still robert davis.

You ought to be a comedian.

Well, I'm in a related
field: I'm a business major.

I gave my parents a choice.

Either I could be a
rich business manager

Or a starving comic.

It was tough, but in the end,

They went with
the one that eats.

That's a shame.
But it's a hard road.

I know. I used to be an actress.

Tootie ramsey.

Didn't I read something
about you recently?

Me? No.

It was probably someone
else with the same name.

Yeah. You know how many
tooties there are in the biz.

Well, of course, in my case,

I had the spotlight,
but I walked away.

She had the spotlight,
but she walked away.

Turned her back on the
lifestyles of the rich and famous.

I can't believe your parents
never even let you try comedy.

Everything just comes
out of you so naturally.

Yeah.

I dreamed about working at
one of those comedy clubs,

Standing up there,
making people laugh.

k*lling them. k*lling them.

I mean, literally k*lling them.

Having paramedics come in.

The customers
wheezing for oxygen.

More! More!

Then me saying, "no."

Then why don't you do it?

If you'd met my
father, you'd know why.

He's been a pharmacist
for over 20 years.

A nice steady business.

He wanted me to
be a pharmacist, too,

But I said, "hey, pop,
I don't do dr*gs."

So he said, "one thing
people will always need

"Is other people to manage
their money for them,

Which in the end, beaver,
will make you money."

So here I am, going for
my m.b.a. And that bmw.

At least it's not an iou.

Well, I gotta go.

I got some research
to do at the library.

Nice to have met you, natalie.

Same here.

You sure you don't
want more coffee?

"Oh, not for me, thanks."

"That's funny,

He always has a
second cup at home."

I know. Wow.

It's criminal, natalie.

Just criminal.

What is? What's
happening with robert.

His parents have pushed him
into business administration.

The nerve of them.

He might wind up with a
secure life with goals.

Natalie, he's a funny
guy. He's a real natural.

And if it's one thing
I know, it's talent.

I forgot. You're a
shaker and a baker.

I didn't even get
his phone number.

I don't even know
where he lives.

He may never come
back in here again.

The world may be
forever deprived

Of the laughter
that he can give.

Plus he was very cute.

Relax, tootie, there's
always laurel and hardy.

I resent that.

I don't think she
was talking about us.

Tootie has switched professions.

She's turned star-maker.

Hey, you know, you're right.

I could represent him. I
could even be his agent.

I've got to find him and
convince him to give it a sh*t.

Who? Robert davis.

The next comedy
sensation. He cracks me up.

Tootie, everybody cracks you up.

You still get
hysterical at big bird.

He's a funny bird.

Anyway, I got to
catch up with him.

I may walk out this
door a has-been actress,

But I'm coming back with a star.

Wait a minute.

If he puts up a fight,
hit him with one of these.

Good peanutty bouquet.

Crispy... Crunchy...
Dry... Good. Good.

Then why aren't swallowing?

Because I've got
my life ahead of me.

Great, blair. Another
batch down the tubes.

At this rate, we'll have to charge
$6.00 a cookie just to break even.

Hey, it's your own fault.

I wanted to use a pinch of lard.

But no. You
insisted on a dollop.

The recipe specifically
called for a dollop.

And you call that a dollop?

I'm telling you, when mrs.
Garrett says a dollop,

She means somewhere
between a smidge and a dab.

I found him. I found him.

Great! How'd you do it?

Well, I approached it logically.

I thought business.
I thought finance.

And then I thought I saw him go
into the store across the street.

Good thinking, tootie.

Now will you tell me
what I'm doing here?

Yes.

I want to be your agent.

Business students
don't need agents.

No, but stand-up comics do.

Hey, I told you, I'm
not going that route.

I'm going to sit around

Waiting for peoples
annuities to mature

And then get real excited
when they roll over their cd's.

Tootie, it might not sound
hysterical, but it is safe.

Comedy's a tough business.

Robert, you're throwing
your potential away.

So I'll claim it as a tax loss.

I'm serious.

I'm serious, too.

What do you know
about being an agent?

What do I know
about being an agent?

Do you see the
name tootie ramsey

On the cover of variety?

No.

Right there, on
the address label.

They don't send
that to just anybody.

First we'll package
you imagewise.

Let's see... Robert
the funny comedian.

Oh, no, it doesn't sing.
We'll change robert.

We need something
fresh, something perky.

Bobo. Robo. Rambo.

Milty. Shecky. Lenny.

Happy. Slappy. Myron.

Bobby! It works.

Girls! Why are you
playing with my life?

We just met.

What, do you think I'm
some kind of ken doll?

Hey, that works.
Put it in the act.

I'm serious.

I don't want you to be serious.

I want you to be funny.

Look, you've got talent.

I want to help you.

I know people. Some of
them have connections.

I can make it happen.

Yeah?

All we need is someplace
to showcase what you've got.

We'll do it here.
We'll do it right here!

Oh, great.

Live from the gift wrap section.

Over our heads
presents bobby davis.

That's great. That's stupid.

Wait a minute.

We can do business, too.

We can unload a lot of cookies.

It has potential.

Then we're all set.

This is unbelievable.

Well, believe it.

Now, get out of here
and work on your act.

Wait, I haven't
agreed to do anything.

But you'll think about
it. I'll think about it.

Just do it. She
always get her way.

For the hard of hearing.

I'll think about it.

You know, tootie,

I hope you're not making
promises you can't keep.

No problem. I've
got connections.

Hello, hollywood information?

May I have the number
for johnny carson, please?

Hello. Is this johnny
carson, please?

Oh, this is mr. Carson?

Mr. Johnny carson?

Oh, rabbi johnny carson.

Oh, thank you. Uh... Shalom.

Tootie, taste
these. Guys, I'm busy.

Oh, come on, tootie. We've been
tasting cookies all afternoon.

We have no feeling
left in our tongues.

We need an objective mouth.

Guys, I don't have time.

I'm trying to get a
hold of johnny carson.

Out of the phone book?

I'm out of options, okay?

I couldn't get through to
anybody today. I'm desperate.

Tootie, it's all set.

Our posters are in
every store window.

And on the way home, I saw three
of our flyers in the trash can.

Our message is
really getting across.

Did you get the butter?

I got the butter,
I got the flour,

And I got an opening act.

They have a coupon for that?

I hope you dont mind this
guy. He's from the store.

The club is packed.

We're turning them
away at the door.

You know, I really don't think
this club thing is a great idea.

They're drinking lots of coffee,

They're eating lots of cookies.

They're not going to buy them.

They'll have to.

We'll have a two-cookie minimum.

We would sell a lot more
cookies if we had a longer show.

And how do we make
it a longer show?

With an opening act,

With is sonny delvecchio,
the juggling bag boy.

Forget it, nat. There's
not going to be any show.

Why? We worked so hard.

The reason for all the work

Was to get somebody
important here to see bobby.

I tried everything and got
turned down by everybody.

Well, the big shows
are hard to get on.

I couldn't even get him
on a.m. Peekskill, natalie.

What a shame.

Do they need a juggler?

Nat, please, let me destroy
one career at a time, all right?

Sonny can juggle three different
flavors of ice cream at the same time.

He could have been big. His
name could've been right here.

Ok, maybe not on page one,

But back here with the coupons.

Doesn't this paper
have a food section?

Would you give me my paper back!

Hey, wait a minute. What's this?

Guys, check this out.

"Jim mccawley redeyes
home to gotham."

Do you know what this means?

I recognize the word home.

Blair, if you read variety
as regularly as do i,

You would know that jim mccawley

Is the comedy talent
coordinator for the tonight show.

Redeye means he took
the midnight plane,

Gotham means new york,

And home means mom and dad.

What are you doing?

Don't you see?

Jim mccawley's parents
must live in new york.

They're not famous,

So they're probably
listed in the phone book.

And if you should get
jim's mom on the phone,

What are you gonna say to her?

All moms are alike.

I'll just do what I do
with my own mother.

Whine until you
get what you want?

If I have to.

[Piano playing]

The crowd is getting restless.

They're eating the cookies.

Well, just a little
while longer.

Tootie, we've been
stalling for 30 minutes.

I'm running out of tunes.

Jo, we have to make
the audience wait.

I'm trying to create a
mood, an expectation,

A tension that will explode

When bobby comes on.

All right. Glow
worm one more time.

[ Playing glow worm ]

Even if your guy doesn't show
up, tootie, we have an audience.

Let me put on my bag boy

Before his vegetables rot.

All right, natalie, but
tell him to juggle slowly.

Ladies and gentlemen,

The act before the act
you've all been waiting for...

You've seen him at the safeway,

You've loved him
at the shop 'n save,

And now over our
heads proudly presents

The juggling stylings
of sonny delvecchio.

Let's hear it for him.

[Cymbal crash]

[Piano playing]

When that jim
mccawley gets here,

I'm gonna give him
a piece of my mind.

How dare he be this late?

Uh, ladies, there's
a guy at the door

Who says he's jim mccawley,

But he doesn't have
an i.d. Can I bounce him?

Are you crazy? Let him in!

Nat, he's here! He's here!

I can't believe you
actually got him here.

What did you say to his mother?

Nothing. I was completely
straight with her.

I just told her why she
should convince her son

To come out and see bobby.

Ah, you must be cousin tootie.

How do you do?

Uh, mr. Mccawley, I have to be
completely honest with you.

I'm not really your cousin.

No.

She's coming clean.

But I can spot talent.

And bobby's good, you'll see.

Well, I'm here.

He's here. This is
it. The big moment.

How do you feel?

Fine.

Well, you don't
seem too excited.

As a matter of
fact, I'm petrified.

Well, that's normal.
Come on, you'll be great.

Tootie, I can't go on.

You're kidding, right?

Tootie, sit down.

There's something I should
have told you a long time ago,

But I didn't, so
I'll tell you now.

Last year, I had a sh*t
at a club in new york city,

And as they say in
the comedy business,

I wasn't funny.

Well, so what? You
just had a dead audience.

They were not dead.

They were coming
onstage to get me.

But that was a long time ago.

You've got a new outlook now.

You've got a new agent.

And you've got new
material... Don't you?

Oh, hurry up.

He's already juggled
three bags of groceries.

Well, tell him to do an encore.

Ok, but the cheese wheels
are getting a little gamey.

All right. I'll do it for you.

I don't want you
to do it for me.

If you're not gonna
do it for yourself,

Then don't do it at all.

Then I won't do it.

Ok. Do it for me.

[Piano playing]

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

For one night only,
over our heads

Has become a comedy showcase

So that we can bring to your
attention a very funny guy.

So please, help me
give a warm welcome to

Bobby davis, the funny comedian!

Thank you. Like
to thank the band.

Folks, do me a favor...

Be really nice to
the waitresses here,

Because it's an incredibly
difficult job to wait on people.

I know, because I was a
waiter for many years.

And for some reason whenever
people sit down at a restaurant

And they look at a menu,

It's like their brain is
vacuumed out of their head.

People ask the stupidest
questions in the world.

Excuse me, excuse me,
waiter, waiter, waiter.

What is in this spinach,
bacon, and mushroom salad?

Why, that's spinach,
bacon and mushroom.

Aha.

And there are two
prices here... $3.95 and $7.95,

Pray tell, does that mean
there's a small and large?

Why, no, ma'am,
there's only one size.

You order it, and I get to decide
how much I'm gonna charge you.

It's funny, 'cause even
when I went to prep school,

I wasn't accepted right away

Because they had
this image in their mind

Of what a black
person would be like.

'Cause I was, like, one of the
first black people to go there.

And I figured...

When in rome, do as romans do.

So I wore my little
button-down shirt,

My khaki pants, my topsiders,
my brooks brothers jacket.

And they were real disappointed.

They were like, "no, no, no.

We're pretty sure
we ordered a n*gro."

In fact, I'm about to go back
to my prep school reunion.

And they have a new
radio station back there,

The name of which delineates
the kind of people that went there.

♪ W.a.s.p. ♪

Brought to you by anglo-sheen.

You know what's wrong
with rich people's radio?

It's that there are no,
like, rich people rap songs.

You know what rap
songs are, right?

I'll do one for you. Let's
get a little applause.

No, forget it,
forget it, forget it.

You guys are doing it like...
♪ Look for the union label ♪

♪ I got credit
cards everywhere ♪

♪ I've got millions
in a trust fund ♪

♪ I don't have to care ♪

♪ My son's at harvard,
my daughter's at smith ♪

♪ Coming home this weekend
with her boyfriend, biff ♪

♪ Polo in the front yard,
swimming in the back ♪

♪ The maid's in the kitchen ♪

♪ Fixing me my snack ♪

♪ I got my gin and tonic ♪

♪ But she forgot the lime ♪

♪ Gonna put her
back on welfare ♪

♪ 'Cause she does
it all the time ♪♪

Folks.

Thanks a lot. I've got to go.

I don't understand it.

Everybody liked bobby.

Except mr. Mccawley.

[Natalie] is he still breathing?

Did he have any cookies?

Well, at least you
got bobby a sh*t.

That's an accomplishment.

Oh, some accomplishment.

I may have wiped out his
entire career in one evening.

I'm sorry if you didn't have
a good time, mr. Mccawley.

I thought bobby had something.

Oh, he does. I
enjoyed him very much.

But we were watching
you. You never laughed.

I had to give up
laughing a long time ago.

I see 50 or 60 comedians a week.

My mind is like a computer now.

It just has two print-outs,

Funny. Not funny.

And you think bobby is funny?

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, great! When does
he go on carson's show?

Next week? The week after?

I thought you gave up laughing?

Well, I did, but that
was funny. Really funny.

Uh, young lady,

When I say bobby
is good, I mean it.

But it's a long way
from "good" in peekskill

To a guest appearance
on national television.

He needs a lot more seasoning.

Well, how long are
we talking about?

A year or two,
maybe three or four.

Life is not a hundred-yard dash.

Life is a marathon.

Hi. Hi. Uh, bobby,

This is jim mccawley
from the tonight show.

A pleasure to meet you, sir.

Hi, bob. I'm glad I caught
your act. You were terrific.

Thank you!

Uh, bobby, you're not exactly

Going on the tonight
show next week, but...

But I am going to start
watching your career,

And I have a feeling that we'll
be seeing each other again.

Thanks.

I'll see you at the
next family reunion.

You did it!

He liked me! He liked me!

He liked you,

But he said that you
need more seasoning.

Great! Where do we go from here?

Well, robert, new york
is just a train ride away,

And I think that you should
go in and try the clubs.

Give it a sh*t.

Why do I get the felling
you're not coming with me?

Because I'm not cut
out to be an agent.

But you're so good at it.

I'm great at it.

I just think it's time that
I run my own marathon.

Ok.

Oh, listen.

Somebody handed me
this dollar off-stage.

It's our take.

Where's my 10%?

No. I want cash.