07x20 - The Lady Who Came to Dinner

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Facts of Life". Aired: August 24, 1979 - May 7, 1988.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


Spin-off of Diff'rent Strokes; focuses on Edna as she becomes a housemother at the fictional Eastland School, an all-girls boarding school.
Post Reply

07x20 - The Lady Who Came to Dinner

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both,
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin',
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ Then suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

How soon is it? Four days away.

It can't be! It is!

That's not enough time.

Tootie, you can't
fight the calendar.

Why do we always
do this to ourselves?

Why do we always wait
till the last minute?

Just keep telling yourself,
"it's only a birthday."

It's not only a birthday...
It's blair's birthday.

It's her 21st birthday.

Her parents can't make it,

Mrs. Garrett may
not be back in time,

And natalie's still in fort
lauderdale with her grandmother,

So it's all on our heads!

Look, we go shopping, we get her a blouse
she can't put in the washing machine,

We sing happy birthday.

How tough is that?

That's not a surprise.

Blaire wants to be surprised.

We've got to surprise her.

I hear real estate
makes a nice gift.

I know what we'll do.

We'll... Sell more cards.

That's a great idea, tootie.

All kinds of cards.

Greeting cards, playing cards,

Recipe cards.

Baseball cards, index
cards, credit cards.

And we'll promote it.

We'll send out post cards.

Great... Great.

Terrific, fabulous, neat.

A mystery night.

We'll blindfold her
and take her someplace

She's never been before.

Like where, the bowling alley?

All right, but we've
got to surprise her.

It's gotta be something
she never thought of

But something she wants
more than anything else.

Good, tootie, let us
know what you decide.

Well, think of something.

Help me out.

Ok, ok, all right...

It's possibly
unusual, but here it is.

An eskimo theme party.

We rent kayaks and
eat some blubber.

How about it?

Yeah, we need
something like that.

Not that, but something like it.

Not much like it, the
party part was good.

We need something really big,

Like big cards, huge
cards for big people.

Yeah.

Whatever you come
up with, I know I'll like it.

It's no big deal.

It's only my 21st birthday.

Of course, that only
comes once in a lifetime.

And, well, many people
consider it a milestone.

But really, whatever
you do, I know I'll like it.

I'm going out now.

Bye.

I'm going to the library
to research a paper.

Bye.

Uh, blair.

You dropped something.

Did i?

I'm sure it's not important.

Bye.

Hey, it's a note to us.

Maybe it's the answer
to our prayers.

It's a poem.

"If you've hit a dead end,
then look on the shelf.

There might be a clue
there maybe in a book."

Now, I'd hardly
call that a poem.

The meter's all wrong...
Doesn't even rhyme.

This is ridiculous... Why doesn't
she just tell us what she wants?

Because then it
wouldn't be a surprise.

Oh, wait a minute,
I found something.

It's another stupid poem.

"Think of a girl. She's
pretty and blonde.

"Now you've found something
of which she is fond."

It's "alice in wonderland."

What's that supposed to mean?

Of course, of course...
Don't you get it?

Blair is alice.

"Pretty and blonde."

And this is "something
of which she is fond."

She wants to be
alice for her birthday.

We'll turn the shop
into wonderland

And we'll have a tea party.

I like the party part.

I'm sure that's what it means.

Oh, tootie, it can't be.

I mean, come on... A tea
party with little cups of tea

And doilies and little
tiny cucumber sandwiches

With the crust cut off

And all that polite
conversation?

That sounds like blair to me.

Yeah, you're right.

Ok, we'll send out invitations

And we'll ask everybody to come
as a character from the book.

Tootie, that is so juvenile.

I mean who's gonna want
to dress up like tweedledum

And drink tea for three hours?

We'll have more than that.

We'll have whatever
they have in the book.

Oh here.

We'll have... Bread and butter.

All we can eat?

Guys, it's what blair wants.

Do we have a choice?

Oh, all right.

Buy you can only stretch tea
and polite conversation so far.

Well, we'll have entertainment.

Here, there's lots of
listing in here of people

Who like to
entertain at parties.

Oh, please, no clowns.

They're always
tossing me up in the air.

Leave it to me.

You just concentrate on the
decorations and your costumes.

No, no way.

I'm not dressing up
as the mad hatter.

Ok... Ok.

No funny hats or big shoulders

Or big bow ties
and no big shoes.

That's where I draw the line.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Come on, jo, you're
gonna have a terrific time.

As long as nobody
comes as a mountain lion.

One carrot joke,
you eat that hat.

Eh, what's up, doc?

So what's the story with blair?

She's changing in the bathroom.

I told her that we
wanted to see her.

This thing is so itchy.

I'm gonna go roll in the dirt.

Here's the bread.

Hey, george, what are
you supposed to be?

I'm liberace.

I'm the jack of hearts.

Can't you tell?

Is this all the bread you got?

Are you kidding?

Look, I got french, sourdough,

Pumpernickel, rye, seeded.

I got unseeded, bread sticks,
bread crumbs, croutons...

Oh. And, uh... Bagels.

Well, listen, blair's
coming down any minute.

So could you keep an
eye out for her, george.

Or should I say, jack?

Yeah, I'll just shuffle
off to the door.

No big deal.

So when blair comes
down, what do we do?

Well, tootie got some
entertainment didn't ya?

Yeah, I got this great lady.

Check out her ad.

"Louise le beau.

The life of the party."

What do we really
know about this person?

Hey, you want sinatra give
me a budget I can work with.

Ooh.

Could you just
scratch right there?

Oh, thanks.

Hey, andy, I've been
meaning to ask you.

What are you supposed to be?

Can't you tell?

No.

I'm a munchkin.

This is "alice in wonderland."

Yeah, right. Munchkins.

No, that's "the wizard of oz."

Oh great, so what're
you telling me,

There couldn't possibly have
been a munchkin in wonderland?

Where's that book?

I'm gonna go
write in a munchkin.

She's coming! She's coming!

(All) surprise!

What is all this?

Tootie...

Why is blair dressed like
that while I'm dressed like this?

I thought you were changing.

I was.

Not as much as
you did, apparently,

And why did you, exactly?

You wanted
wonderland, didn't you?

This is wonderland.

No, no, I wanted the
wonderland cafe.

It's a new place
right off campus.

I wanted to go there for dinner.

How about that, tootie?

She wanted to go to
the wonderland cafe.

Isn't that funny?

Oh, come on, everybody.

This can still be a lot of fun.

Oh, really? How?

Well, you got your
friends, we got tea,

We got plenty of
bread and butter.

Bread and butter?

That's what you got
me for my birthday?

I wanted to go to
the wonderland cafe.

Blair, we did this for you.

Sit down and enjoy it.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear blair ♪♪

[Horn honks]

Ladies and gentlemen!

This is your entertainment.

The one and only
life of the party...

Miss louise le beau!

♪ There were bells ♪

♪ All around ♪

♪ But I never heard
them ringing ♪

[Honk]

♪ No I never heard them at all ♪

♪ Until there was you ♪

[Trumpet blast]

♪ There were birds in the sky ♪

♪ But I never saw them winging ♪

♪ No I never saw them at all ♪

♪ Till there was you ♪

♪ And there were
wonderful roses ♪

♪ They tell me ♪

♪ And sweet fragrant meadows ♪

♪ Of dawn ♪

♪ And dew ♪

[Cymbals crash]

♪ There was love ♪

♪ All around ♪

♪ But I never heard
them singing ♪

♪ No I never heard 'em at all ♪

♪ Till there was you, you ♪

♪ Boo ♪♪

(Jo) she awake yet?

No, thank goodness,
she had a rough night.

Let her sleep.

This is all your fault.

Now thanks to you, we're
gonna be tiptoeing around her

For the next 10 years.

Come on.

Everybody loved louise.

Blair didn't.

No, no!

Please make her stop singing.

Now look.

She's having
birthday flashbacks.

Should we wake her up?

I'm awake.

Now see, you woke her up.

I woke her up...
You woke her up.

You both woke me up.

Look, blair, we better
have this out right now

'Cause we're tired
of apologizing.

If you weren't so difficult
about your birthday,

You could've gotten a nice
blouse instead of louise,

Which would have
made us all happy,

Most of all me 'cause I
got rabbit fur in my ears

And a rash down my back.

All right, fair enough.

It was the thought that counts,

And I appreciate you letting
me sleep late this morning

And making me breakfast...
It smells wonderful.

Well, good.

I'm glad we got that out in
the open and cleared the air.

Did you make her breakfast?

Then who made breakfast?

♪ There are bells on the hills ♪

♪ But I never heard
them ringing ♪♪

[Honk honk honk honk]

How's that bacon, eh?

Mmm, delicious.

I'm a real magician with bacon.

Just watch me make it disappear.

Ta-da!

Well, my date
nut bread is rising.

I got to go.

But, before I go,

How can you tell if there's an
elephant in your refrigerator?

I don't know, how?

Footprints in the cheesecake!

[Honk]

Oh, you're a great audience.

You really are.

Oh and by the way, thanks
for letting me stay last night.

Well, what could I do.

I mean, she missed her last bus

And I couldn't just turn
her out on the street.

Why didn't you tell us?

I sensed it would
only aggravate you.

I think I sensed correctly.

Where did she stay?

In the spare room.

We don't have a spare room.

You know, the other room.

Mrs. Garrett's room?

Yep. That's the one.

You invited a semicrazy
person to stay

In mrs. Garrett's room?

What if she comes back
and finds louise tap dancing

Across her dresser?

I'm sure she'll be very careful.

I mean, she's been
cooking all morning

And she hasn't gotten a thing
on mrs. Garrett's sweater.

She's wearing mrs. G's clothes?

Tootie, we cannot have
a woman with a ukulele

And cymbals on her knees
wearing mrs. G's sweaters.

There are rules.

I'm sure mrs. Garrett
wouldn't mind.

Let me take the
opposing point of view.

Mrs. Garrett would
go absolutely crazy.

♪ Here comes the bread
here comes the bread ♪

♪ All baked fresh this morning ♪

♪ Here comes the bread ♪♪

Some party last
night, eh, birthday girl.

Too bad we ran out of tea.

We could've stayed
until morning.

Uh, louise, um, could we talk?

Sure, kid. What's up?

Over there.

Good. Girl talk, huh?

Louise, we've been
talking, and, well...

When I said that you
could spend the night...

[Whimpering]

Well, it's not that
we don't like you.

It's just that...

We didn't know you
were such a good cook.

There's plenty more
where that came from.

Wait'll you see.

And you girls, now
listen, don't lift a finger.

'Cause I'm gonna
do all the dishes.

But!

Before I go...

How do you know if
there's an elephant

Standing behind
you in the elevator?

How?

By the smell of
peanuts on his breath!

[Honk]

Good job, tootie.

I couldn't do it.

Tootie, the longer she stays,

The harder it's gonna
be to get her out.

We performers have a bond.

I couldn't turn
away a kindred spirit.

Well, she's no kindred of mine.

I'm gettin' rid of her.

She'll just be
staying a few days.

See, her apartment's
being painted

And she's allergic to the fumes.

So... So we have a deal.

In exchange for her room she
does all the cooking and cleaning.

And... Any of mrs. G's
sweaters she wears,

She washes...
Which I think is fair.

Don't you think you were
a little hard on her, jo?

What was it...
The trembling lip?

No.

She had a cream that
got rid of my rabbit rash.

Doesn't she have any family
or friends she can stay with?

She said she was all alone.

What was I supposed to tell her?

So we're stuck
with her, is that it?

Just until the paint
dries in her apartment.

How many coats?

♪ What good is sitting
alone in the room ♪

♪ Come hear the music play ♪

♪ Life is a cabaret, ol' chum ♪

♪ Come to the cabaret ♪♪

Got to go.

But before I go,

Where do you think I spent
my vacation last year, tootie?

The island of bora.

You mean bora bora.

No, it's not half the
place it used to be.

[Honk]

I have a final tomorrow

And I only get to study
during intermission.

She ironed the sheets.

Nobody irons sheets.

Her paint has had
plenty of time to dry.

I've got it, I've got it.

What're you... Waiting for
a drum roll or something?

Fact, the woman irons sheets.

Fact, the woman
cooks up a storm.

Fact, she scrubs the grout
in between the bathroom tile

With a toothbrush.

I'm telling you, the woman
is somebody's mother.

She said she was all
alone in the world.

I've got a stack of
lemon-freshened socks

That says she isn't.

How can you get in
touch with her family?

How did you call
her for the party?

I called the number in the ad.

Well, I think it's
time to call it again.

Okay... Here we go.

These cookies are great.

Everything was great.

Everything's always great.

Look we made a decision
we have to stick with it.

Don't you think we oughta tell
her before her son shows up?

Yes, okay, I'll tell her,

But I'm warning you, I'm never
gonna have another birthday

As long as I live.

Blaire, do you want
your skirt ironed?

Speak now or forever
hold your pleats.

Louise...

I don't know how
to tell you this, but,

Well, your son and
daughter-in-law are...

They found me.

Well, they were worried,

They didn't know
what happened to you.

Well, looks like I'm
retiring from show business.

How come?

Well, my son has a
strange sense of humor.

If I tell a joke, he stares.

If I say I want to be an
entertainer, he just laughs.

"Mother," he says, "dad's gone.

You're with us. It's secure.

At your age, you can't
take unnecessary risks."

Well, I'm sure he's
just concerned.

They treat me like a kid,

So I acted like a kid, I
ran away from home.

[Doorbell rings]

Posse's here. I'll go quietly.

Louise, didn't you ever
talk to them about this?

Of course I did, but...
They don't hear me.

I don't know what
their problem is.

Sometimes I think they
got bananas in their ears.

[Doorbell rings]

Get in the kitchen...
Don't make a sound.

What... What?

Go. You said... You mean it?

Go.

Hello.

Hello, I'm stanly boles.

This is my wife francine.

Hi. I'm blair.

This is jo and tootie.

We want to thank you,
jo, blair, and tootie.

We've been very concerned.

Can we see mother?

Mmm.

Stan and fran, huh?

That's cute.

It is?

Yeah. It rhymes.

Stan, fran.

Yes, I suppose it does.

We never really
thought about it.

I hope mother hasn't been
too much a burden to you.

Mother was so relieved
when you called.

Mother was very
worried about mother.

Mother was worried about mother?

He calls me mother, too.

I'm the mother of his children.

So you have a wife-mother
and a mother-mother.

That's right.

I guess you could say, in the
mother department, I've got two.

Now where is she?

Um... She's gone.

She just took her ukulele and
left... Didn't even leave a note.

Mother better call the police.

We've got to find mother.

No need to do that.

She could get into trouble.

She's elderly, you know.

Well, she was on her way home.

How do you know that
if she didn't leave a note?

We were very close.

Well, in that case, stanley,
I'd say we better head back.

Uh, you know, she's a really
funny lady, your mother.

Your other mother, I mean.

She plays a mean ukulele.

Isn't that aggravating?

She has a lot of
childish habits.

Fortunately, she has
us to take care of her.

Thanks for all you've done.

Come, mother.

Ooh, fun couple.

Thank goodness she doesn't
have to go home with them.

Which means she
stays here with us...

Until her cymbals wear out.

What do we tell
mrs. Garrett, now?

We'll just tell her
louise is the maid

Who wears her sweaters.

Tootie.

Are they gone?

Yes.

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ Skies above are clear again ♪♪

Why'd you do that?

'Cause you were obviously
unhappy with them.

You are good kids.

It's the first time in
years I've felt at home.

We're like a family.

I'm leaving.

What?

Getting my act together.

Getting it on the road.

Look at this.

Dinner theater needs
experienced performers.

Hey, "room and board
provided." Good deal.

Yeah, I'm going to juggle
limes for my audition.

For my fair lady?

What brought this on?

You did.

You said I was funny and
blair said I played a mean uke.

The critics love me.

The world's my oyster.

And what happens if
you don't get the job?

Well, I'll do some
more birthday parties.

Oh, I'll take care of myself.

And I'll write to you kids
as soon as I get settled.

And don't worry, I'll
tell mother and stan

I'll call and tell
'em I'm all right.

Just as soon as I
reach the border.

[Honk]

Well, I got to go now.

But before I go...
Thanks for everything.

But before you go...

Where does a
600-pound gorilla sleep?

Anywhere he wants!

[Honk honk honk honk]

♪♪
Post Reply