06x06 - Stomach Mumps

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Good Times". Aired: February 8, 1974, to August 1, 1979.*
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A spin-off of Maude, which itself is a spin-off of All in the Family, making Good Times the first television spin-off from another spin-off; revolving around a poor family making the best of things in the Chicago housing projects.
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06x06 - Stomach Mumps

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Anytime you meet a payment ♪

♪ Good times ♪
♪ Anytime you need a friend ♪

♪ Good times ♪ ♪ Anytime
you're out from under ♪

♪ Not gettin' hassled
Not gettin' hustled ♪

♪ Keepin' your
head above water ♪

♪ Makin' a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Easy credit rip-offs ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Scratchin' and survivin' ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Hangin' in a chow line ♪
♪ Good times ♪

♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪

♪ Good times ♪♪

Wow, Keith! This is just
the middle of the afternoon.

Hey, I was just warming up
for the Super Bowl tonight!

I thought we won last night. That
was a tie. Now we're into sudden death.

Yours or mine? [Laughs]

Okay, um, this time
I'll kick it off. All right.

Mmm! Spike the ball. [Laughing]

You took it right
into the end zone.

Okay. Now are you tired?
Well, Keith's a little tired,

but there's a couple of substitutes
that's ready to come in, like this one.

[Imitating Clark Gable] I love you,
baby. You can't cook chicken, beef or ham.

But, frankly, Scarlett,
I don't give a damn.

[Laughing]

Let's see. That was
Bill Cosby, right?

[Imitating Bill Cosby]
Right. You see,

I love your walk. It's
cool and smooth as lotion.

But I've never seen a
better backfield in motion.

Hey, hey, hey!

[Door Opens]

All right, you two.

Last call for laundry.

I said, "Last call for laundry."

- Thelma!
- Oh! [Chuckles] Oh, Ma, I'm sorry.

- I was a little distracted.
- Yeah, you may have been
a little distracted,

but you are hardly sorry.

Oh, it's all right. I know
all about newlyweds.

It's a beautiful
feeling, isn't it?

It is beautiful. It really is.

- Where's your laundry?
- Oh, It's in a box
next to the bed.

Yeah, I couldn't
make it to the hamper.

On account of the leg, you know.

Right.

- Ma, you want me to help
you with the laundry?
- No, no, sweetheart.

I'd like to finish today.

Let me see. Where
were we? [Clears Throat]

Oh, yes.

[Imitating Jerry Lewis] Oh, Thelma,
sweetheart, love of mine. [Guffawing]

Oh, please.

Give me one more kiss,
one more sublime. [Guffawing]

Now, why don't I ever see
anything like this on Sesame Street?

[Imitating Bill Cosby] That's
because Big Bird can't pucker.

[Chuckles, Clears Throat]

Hi, Willona. Hey.

[Clears Throat Loudly]

There's people here.

Penny, why aren't you home
watchin' Sesame Street?

Because Big Bird
can't pucker. What?

[Laughing] Oh, Mom,
they're just messin' around.

"Messin' around"? Now,
where'd you learn that?

The kids in school use it so
they won't have to say "sex."

- [Stifling Laughter]
- That's not funny.

Now, Penny, I told you not to
run around with those kind of kids.

- You have to pick
your friends more carefully.
- Hey, Willona, lighten up.

- Hi, Willona. Hi, Penny.
- Hi, Aunt Florida.

Can I help you sort
the laundry? Oh, sure.

Never mind! I'll, uh, take
care of that. Come on, baby.

You take the laundry soap down to
the laundry room for Mama. Okay?

Okay. All righty.

You'd think you'd keep your
intimate garments out of sight.

Intimate garments? Oh, you
mean... Oh, Keith's shorts?

I know what I mean.

Willona, can I ask you
a personal question?

What are you so worked up about?

Are you aware of the things
that's going on around here?

Like what? Those two!

- Carrying on like... like...
- Newlyweds?

- Yes!
- Well, that's because
they are newlyweds.

What do you want
'em to do, arm wrestle?

It's practically a Roman orgy.

Willona, are you
serious? Yes, I am.

- Does this go on all the time?
- No, we break for lunch on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Come on. Let's go to our room,
baby. You mean by ourselves?

Unless Willona wants
to chaperone. [Laughs]

Flo... Willona, what's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.
You know Penny's friend Tina,

age 13, is pregnant?

Oh, no. Yes, the babies
are having babies now.

[Sighs] She had to
drop out of school.

I'm worried sick about Penny.

She's growing up too
fast. Asking questions.

Last month, she wanted
to know about Peter Rabbit.

This month, it's
the rabbit test.

Willona, I'm worried
about Penny too.

But I think it's time you
explained to her about sex.

Oh, honey, you're talking
about my daughter. [Laughs]

I'm not gonna explain
that to her until she's ready.

Girl, this neighborhood
is not a finishing school.

It's the ghetto.

Now, if you don't explain it to her,
she's gonna hear it in the street.

And she's gonna hear it wrong,
and from the wrong people.

Remember, Willona, I've been a
mother for over 20 years to your one.

That's all well and good.
I respect you for all that.

But if it's all the same to you, I'd like
to raise my daughter the way I want to.

Now you do me one favor
and mind your own business!

Well, I guess I'll
sort my laundry.

- I'll help you.
- Mama?

Flo, is the bedroom door
closed? Willona, please!

Mama, I just remembered. I
need some gym shorts for school.

I'll get them for you this weekend,
baby. But I need them for tomorrow.

Well... Oh, it's okay. I'll borrow
some from my friend, Tina.

Tina? No, no, no!

Don't you go near Tina. But, Mama,
she's just my size, and she's my friend.

Stay away from that girl!

Maybe she's right, sweetheart.
They're having problems over there.

You see, Tina has...
Stomach mumps!

Say what? Stomach mumps,
and it's very contagious.

Baby, now she's really sick.

Promise me you'll stay away from
her, understand? Stay away. Okay.

Okay. [Whispering]
"Stomach mumps"?

Willona. Tina is pregnant. Shh!

Florida, I don't
want her to hear that!

Hey, y'all, what's
happening? Oh, hi, J.J.

How'd your job interview
turn out? Well, Ma.

There's good news and bad news.

The bad news is, somebody
got hired just before me.

The good news is, I got myself a
date with the personnel director.

So while she's goin' over my
forms, I will be going over her form.

That's it. That's it. Come on,
baby. Wait for Mama at home.

But I was just sittin' down.
That's all right. You go home now.

- What'd I say?
- Why can't you ever
go job hunting...

and come back unemployed, like
all the other black kids in Chicago?

Now you see what
I'm talking about.

Oh, Willona, you
know how J.J. is.

Yeah, just like everybody
else these days.

Like the two kids on
the bus this morning.

Couldn't have been no older
than Penny. And would you believe,

they were sittin' in the
backseat huggin' and kissin'...

so fast and furious, the bus
driver could've stopped the bus...

and coasted all the way
across town on pure friction!

Well, if parents would take time
to teach their children about sex,

they wouldn't have
to cheapen it on a bus.

What are you talking about, the
parents? They teach sex in school now.

They do? Hey, I'm going
back for my extra credit!

- All right, Michael!
- I was just joking, Ma.

Hi, everybody. Hey, Michael.

Hey, J.J., what's going on around
here? Well, they're talking about sex.

Is Mama for it?

Well, we're here. Figure it out.

Look, whatever
they teach in school,

it's still the parents'
final responsibility.

It's your duty to make sure Penny
knows all there is to know about sex.

Now wait just one minute.

I let her read the
newspaper, look at television,

I buy her those little fancy T-shirts
with the names across the front.

Yeah, but all they have is a
picture of Leon Spinks on 'em,

sayin', "Look, Ma, no cavities."

You know she's gonna learn everything
you're trying to shield her from,

right out of this... newspaper.

All she's gonna learn from
that is how to make doilies.

Well, I may cut out an
objectionable article from time to time.

But what is wrong with that? I'll
tell you what's wrong with that.

You're avoiding
your responsibilities,

and you're blaming it on
society and the schools.

That's right. All the schools
taught me was how to dissect frogs.

Yeah, and that don't come in handy unless
your old lady's got a thing for lily pads.

She is just 13 years old.

So Thelma was only 11
when I told her all about it.

- And Michael was
even younger than that.
- How old was J.J.?

Well, Michael, now you're
getting to an exceptional case.

Me and Ma sat down and
had our first little "conflab"...

when I was at the tender
age of six and a half.

Six and a half!

- You don't call that early?
- Yeah, but Ma was
always a good learner.

Michael. Yeah, Ma?

Don't you have
some studying to do?

Oh, yeah, you're right.

I got to go to the library
and do some research.

Later, y'all. J.J., I
thought you had a date.

Oh, yeah, I do, Ma, with,
uh, "Boom Boom" Belinda.

We're going over
to the frog pond.

I'm gonna teach her the
different croaks for different folks!

- Disgusting.
- Oh, I am getting
sick and tired...

of this sudden puritan attitude.

I seem to recall, Ms. Woods,

that angels never sang when
you crossed a floor either.

What are you talking about?
I'm talking about high school.

Oh, high school! Yeah!

You wore your sweater so
tight, you had to lift it up to inhale!

Me? What about you and
Kinky Curly, the football player?

But I also knew about
real love when I met James.

And that's what you should
be telling Penny about...

The difference between
the two. Oh, Florida.

I'm getting sick and tired of you
telling me how to raise my daughter!

That goes with the light things.

Now you're mixing
the light with the dark!

Florida, don't you understand? I don't
want Penny to end up pregnant like Tina?

Since when does knowing
about sex mean getting pregnant?

It's not knowing that does it.

Penny is my daughter, and
I'm gonna raise her properly.

I don't care how
you raised your kids.

Are you saying that I
raised my kids wrong?

I'm saying this house is a
bad influence on my daughter,

and she may not come
back in here no more.

Willona!

This is my laundry. That's
right. It's your laundry.

Take your laundry!

And I wouldn't let Penny
back in this house again...

if your teeth was gold and
your last name was Carter!

Good-bye, Mother Goose.

Little lady who lives in a shoe,

got one child and
don't know what to do.

[Gasps] Okay, Michael.

Give me another
10 pounds. All right.

Hey, man, aren't you
finished with that résumé yet?

Look, Keith, in today's
world of business,

a man's "resume"...

is his launching pad to
the galaxy of opportunity,

his first base in the
diamond of success,

his training bra on the
Dolly Parton of employment!

- What position
are you applying for?
- Lifeguard.

Lifeguard?

- Lifeguard?
- That's right, lifeguard.

Y'all heard it the first time.

Those girls will go mad
when they see my body unclad.

Listen, stick, every time you
go in the water, you'll be lucky...

if a dog doesn't bring you
back between his teeth.

[Knocking]

Hey, what know, folks?
[Laughs] [Groaning]

That was some fight your Mama
had with Ms. Woods. Ooh-whee!

Wait a minute. Nobody else was supposed
to know about that. How did you find out?

Well, you know, as they
say, the walls have ears.

Yeah, and you're
the wall that knows.

Are you saying that I listen to
what goes on in here, lifeguard?

Bookman, what did you
come up here to do us out of?

Oh, offhand, about $13.50. What?

That's your share of
the repainting costs.

Ms. Woods says she wants all the graffiti
on the walls in the elevator cleaned up.

No graffiti on the
elevator? Mm-mm.

Hold on Bookman. What are we gonna read on
the two-hour trip it takes to get up here?

You can't erase that graffiti.
Some of that stuff is classic.

What's so classic about a
naked woman eating grits?

Hey, come on. I was only 12
years old when I painted that.

I didn't even know how
to draw clothes then.

All I know is, you
owe me $13.50.

Hey, come on, Bookman.
You should he paying me.

One day I am going
to be as famous as

Michelangelo. People be
comin' from miles around...

to see the ceilings of
J.J.'s Sistine Laundry Room.

Look, I'm just doin' a
favor for Ms. Woods.

It's my good deed for the day.

You know something? I
used to be a Cub Scout.

More like a "tub scout."

One more insult like that,
and I walk right out of that door.

All right. Gimme a second.
I'll think of one. That's it.

How you think he would
have felt about "jelly belly"?

He wouldn't have liked it.

Come on, Keith. It's time
to go jogging! [Groans]

[Laughs] Here, J.J.
Hold on to these.

[Groaning] [Laughs]

You know, J.J., we gotta do something to
get Mama and Willona back together again.

I mean, they been friends for too long to
let a silly little argument break them up.

[Straining] Maybe we could
get them to meet at the drugstore.

What would they be doing there?
Buying me a truss for my double hernia.

Michael, watch a real
diplomat in action. All right.

Oh, hello there, Ma.

Wonderful, cheery
afternoon, isn't it?

Uh, would you like
to sit down here?

Maybe you'd like to have
some coffee, tea, milk.

Maybe some prewashed cornflakes?

Uh, Ma, it's about that little spat
you had with Willona yesterday.

Y'all have been friends for
years and years and years and...

Short years though. Very,
very, short years indeed.

Mama, what I think
J.J. is trying to say...

is that you and Willona have been friends
for too long to let this come between you.

I don't wanna hear
anymore about that woman.

Doesn't she know that each year, a million
teenage girls get pregnant in the country?

Imagine how many
get pregnant in the city.

J.J., out of that million,

over 13,000 are 14 and under.

Now, it's a sad
state of affairs...

when kids have to
guess about sex...

because parents are
too scared to face facts.

It just isn't right!

- Hi.
- Penny, what are
you doing here?

Now, you know you
shouldn't be here.

Well, I just came over
to borrow some eggs.

I thought it would be okay if
I didn't talk or look at anyone.

Then I guess it's all right. Penny,
how many eggs do you want?

I'll take a whole
carton if you've got it.

Mommy gave me enough
money to pay for them.

- How come you just didn't go
to the store and buy some?
- I tried.

But I couldn't go in
because Tina was there.

Penny, what does Tina
have to do with this?

Mama didn't tell you?

Tina's real sick, and I'm not supposed
to be around her or else I can catch it.

- Did your mother tell you that?
- Uh-huh.

And it's real contagious, too, if you
don't get your stomach-mumps sh*t.

"Stomach-mumps sh*ts"?

Yeah, and Tina's
got it real bad, too,

'cause she gettin'
real puffy right here.

To me it looks
like she's pregnant.

- What did you say, Penny?
- I said, it looks
like she's pregnant.

- You know about being pregnant?
- [Chuckling] Sure!

Not much though. Just what I hear
the girls giggling about in school.

Sometimes I wanna ask them,
but then I feel sort of dumb about it.

Penny, baby. You come
over here and sit down.

Aunt Flo want to
tell you something.

- You see, Penny, it's...
- So you're here.

I told you I didn't want you
to come in here anymore.

But I was just talking to Aunt
Florida. Okay, baby. Let's go home.

Okay, but can I tell you that
it's no fun bein' alone every day?

Sometimes I wish I had a baby.

Florida Evans, you
told her to say that.

I did not.

And for your information,

Penny already knows more than
you give her credit for, Willona Woods.

What are you
saying, Florida Evans?

I am saying, Willona Woods,

that your little fairy princess
is waking up to the real world...

while you are still having
babies with stomach mumps!

Mrs. Evans, you don't tell a
child that her friend is pregnant.

It could cause her to have a
trauma. Oh, that's ridiculous.

It would sure give me one.

You don't mean you
told her? No, I didn't.

Penny told me.

She said Tina's puffy stomach
made her look pregnant.

But she still doesn't
know what she should.

And you was gonna tell her
everything, huh? Yes, I was.

Because evidently, you weren't.

I told you, I would tell
her when she was ready!

And I will decide when
she's ready... me, not you.

Ladies, ladies, please.

Allow the Henry Kissinger
of the ghetto to intervene.

[Together] Shut up, J.J.!

See, Michael? I told you I'd
get 'em to agree on one thing.

J.J., let's get out of here and let
Mother and Willona talk about this thing.

Oh, when she's ready, I will
sit her down and talk to her.

"When she's ready."

Willona, you can't gain anything
by letting a girl Penny's age...

run around Chicago thinking that
booster sh*ts will keep her stomach down.

How do I know she
won't get into the same

problem that Tina's in
if I tell her what to do?

You're not telling
her what to do.

You're explaining a
very natural thing to her.

But if you keep on this way,
she'll be scared to death.

She'll never know that
it can also be beautiful.

Flo, I-I don't know.

I love my daughter.
I care what...

Then for God's
sakes, prepare her.

Don't just let her think
her best friend has

got a six-pound,
seven-ounce virus in her belly.

- Flo...
- [Sobbing]

- Penny, what...
- Mama.

Penny, what's wrong? He
wouldn't... He wouldn't give 'em to me.

Who wouldn't give
what? What's the matter?

I went to get the gym
shorts. You went to Tina's?

No, you told me not to.
So I called someone else.

But she wasn't home. So her
brother brought them to me.

But when I met him in the hall,

he said he wouldn't give
them to me if I didn't let him...

If I didn't let him... Oh,
baby, don't... don't cry.

Don't cry. But why
did he try to do that?

Did I do anything wrong? [Sobs]

I told him they would fit. I told
him. I told him they would fit.

Penny, did he... did
he... I ran away from him.

Oh, thank God.

Flo, she's just a baby. A child.

No. She's a developing
young woman.

And it's about time you give
her all the information you can.

Now, she's had a
terrible experience.

But you can't let her think
that's all there is to sex.

In heaven's name, Willona,
take her home and talk to her now!

But I got to... I'll
call the police.

Okay. You take her home.

Flo. Flo. Well, just...

Thank you! It's all right, baby.

♪♪ [Piano]

♪♪ [Humming]

♪ Just lookin' out
of the window ♪

♪ Watchin' the asphalt grow ♪

♪ Thinkin' how it all
looks hand-me-down ♪

♪ Good times Good times ♪

♪♪ [Continues] Good Times is
videotaped before a studio audience.

♪ Making a wave when you can ♪

♪ Temporary layoffs ♪
♪ Good times ♪♪
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