02x01 - Hogan Gives a Birthday Party

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ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.

( theme song playing ) So, this is the refinery at Stuttheim, huh? Yeah, we were sh*t down short of there, Colonel.

We crashed about here.

Once you get through, one plane could blow up the whole place.

Yeah, but nobody gets through.

Yeah, three rings of ack-ack, and Messerschmitts all over.

Yeah, making it rough, all right.

CARTER: Guard coming, Colonel.

It's Schultz.

All right, keep working.

But won't he spot us, Colonel? Schultz? Anything's possible.

LeBEAU: Okay, Colonel Hi.

Hi.

LeBEAU: Try this coat on for size.

Oh, disregard me.

I'm not here.

NEWKIRK: And waist, 32.

Oh, excuse me, please.

Oh, please, Colonel Hogan, I am not here.

Have you ever heard, Schultz, of a man's home being his castle? What am I doing? It's a rotten w*r, Schultzy.

The only thing that keeps us going is the beautiful human beings that we meet along the way.

Now, don't spoil all that by spying.

Spying-- me?! Don't be too tough on him, men.

Klink just had a meeting of the guards, right, Schultz? You're right.

But, uh, I'm pleased to announce that everything here is in order.

By my count, all are present.

Even two over.

Good.

Colonel Hogan.

Two over! Who, who are those two men? Your side sh*t them down, Schultz.

Colonel Hogan, they're prisoners.

They have not been processed in! Only because they're going right out again.

Ah, this is an escape route.

Please, Colonel Hogan, I insist! I must You really want to know what this is, Schultz? No! But This is a refinery at Stuttheim.

You know how many B-17s have been sh*t down trying to take out that refinery? Colonel Hogan You know what that represents in dollars to the American taxpayer? But Colonel Hogan Do you realize what it costs each one of us here at Stalag 13 to process these men through here, send them back to England just so you can sh**t them down again? Colonel Hogan, I know nothing about the refinery.

I don't care about the refinery.

I ride a bicycle.

I would even blow up the refinery myself, but I must insist that those two men are reported.

That's it.

Wha-wha-wha-wha, wha-wha-wha-wha, what's it? You've just given me the whole operation-- have the Germans blow up their own refinery.

( groaning ) Please, I know nothing about it! I only know that these two men must be reported! All right, Schultz, have it your way.

But when that refinery is blown up and it comes out to have been your idea ( frustrated groan ) Colonel Hogan to see you, Herr Kommandant.

Please, I'm much too busy to see Hogan.

Just wanted to say congratulations, Commandant, and no one deserves it more.

And that's from the heart, sir.

Well, thank you, but, but Hasn't even put them on yet.

How characteristic of the man, Fraulein Hilda.

Put what on? Same modest, self- effacing man he was before he made general.

General? What makes you think that I've made general? HOGAN: You haven't? Well, I just assumed when I heard that Lingenfelder of Stalag 16 was promoted.

Lingenfelder, a general?! When I was a colonel, he was a sergeant! I'm terribly sorry, sir.

My record is far superior.

Now, from his stalag, they fly away like pigeons.

From here, not one escape.

It's probably that experimental work he's doing.

It's the flashy kind of thing that looks good in Berlin.

What experiment? What kind of experiment? Well, I believe he measured the prisoners' thumbs, the idea being to prove the German soldiers had longer thumbs.

Oh.

What would that prove? I don't really know.

( annoyed grunt ) To think that they would overlook my record to promote a, a thumb measurer.

Well, let's talk about something else.

What? Why should I want to talk to you about anything? I don't blame you for being down, Commandant, about the Lingenfelder matter.

And, of course, you being a Luftwaffe man, you probably feel terrible about what's happening.

What is happening? Well, the pasting they're taking.

And funny thing, too.

Yes? Why do you find it so funny? Well, from what I've seen of the Allied fliers in camp, the Luftwaffe men seem superior.

Well, of course they're superior.

Well, if that'll be all, sir? Hogan, wait, wait.

Fraulein Helga, come in here, please.

Take a memorandum.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

By George, this sounds important.

All right, now, by scientific testing, I propose to establish once and for all the man-to-man superiority of the Luftwaffe over the Allied fliers.

What a fantastic idea! How'd you ever think of that? I don't know, Hogan.

It just came to me.

Fantastic, sir, fantastic.

Yes, Hogan, it is.

Of course, I have had every cooperation from Berlin.

As a matter of fact, ( chuckling ): rumor has it that I'm being thought of as one of the Luftwaffe's bright young men.

Oh, I can see that; they naturally would.

Berlin is sending a bomber crew for the project.

They're even sending a general.

You know, I might venture to assume, sir, that the name Klink is being bandied about the dinner table at Berchtesgaden.

Oh, oh, please, I'm sure the Fuhrer is much too busy.

That's right.

Single-handed, he runs the whole Russian front, the Italians give him such a headache, and North Africa is nothing but bad news.

And the Allied bombers-- they are Schultz! Are you through?! Boy, am I through.

Now, here, Hogan, is another example of German ingenuity.

A replica of the controls of a Heikel bomber.

Now, the pilot moves the controls.

He can go up, down or to the side.

But, Colonel, Klink, this is a German instrument panel.

It's an unfair test.

Naturally, the German pilots are going to look better.

Naturally.

You mean The aim of a research project, my dear Hogan, is not to discover new facts.

We already know the Luftwaffe personnel are superior.

Here, we are merely furnishing scientific proof.

But surely, we'll have a chance to get acquainted with this.

When you take the test, there'll be plenty of time.

You know, every time I come face-to-face with this cruel German cunning, I always wonder why my side is winning.

Psst.

Hey, Schultz.

Step aside a second, will you? Of course.

Thanks.

I got it.

You can move back now.

Danke.

Look it over, Lieutenant.

This is going to be your home for the next 12 hours.

Well, I don't know, Colonel.

I think I can learn enough to fly it to England, but to b*mb Stuttheim first Look at it this way.

I think there's a captaincy in it for you.

Kinch.

Oh, right here, Colonel.

Lieutenant Hardy here is going to be with you for a crash course in German radio.

Instruments, transmission, recognition signals-- everything.

Will do.

And don't keep him too long.

He's also got to study the navigation instruments and the b*mb site.

Colonel, I don't think there's going to be enough You have a previous engagement, Lieutenant? Well, no, sir.

Okay.

Any questions? Yes, just one, sir.

How do we steal the airplane? Routine.

Come with me.

This is plans and training.

We have it all worked out, mon Colonel.

Piece of cake, sir.

The airstrip is here.

And a Heikel bomber will come in tomorrow morning.

Now, we do it tomorrow night.

They should have a couple of guards in from the other camp.

We take care of them easy.

And we have a tunnel entrance right here, so the distance is not too bad.

Mm-hmm.

The only sticky detail is, uh, lugging the bombs.

Hold it.

You mean we have to take our own bombs? Well, fair is fair.

The Jerries are supplying the bomber.

Where's Carter? Coming, Colonel.

It's a modification of the German design, but I think I've made a few improvements.

Can you get three more of these things ready by tomorrow night? Oh, sure.

Uh, Colonel, there's no way I can be around when they go off? No, Carter.

Yeah, okay.

It's kind of like sending your own child off to w*r without you.

Stiff upper lip.

Ah! General Biedenbender! Hogan, call your men to attention! They are at attention.

Ah, Klink, you ready? Yes, sir.

Good, good.

And, uh, this would be? Colonel Hogan, senior prisoner of w*r officer reporting, sir.

Colonel Robert Hogan.

Yes, shall we proceed with the inspection? ( humming ) You like the climate here, Hogan, or do you prefer, uh, Indianapolis? I've never cared much for the climate there either, General.

Uh, General Biedenbender, have you met Colonel Hogan before? Never, never, but I know him inside and outside.

I see.

You are surprised, Colonel Hogan, huh? ( chuckling ): Don't bother to answer.

I, I know.

Tell me more, General.

Oh, gladly.

Uh, Klink, you have planned a big celebration for tonight, haven't you? A celebration? Ye a-a celebra a c-celebration? For such an important birthday.

A b-birthday? ( laughing ): Oh, yes, of course.

We've been preparing for months, Herr General.

Uh, the Fuhrer's birthday? No, Klink-- Colonel Hogan's.

( gasping ) It is my birthday.

Ja.

( chuckling softly ) I should end the mystery, Colonel Hogan.

You see, I am the reason you are now here a prisoner of w*r.

Well, thanks.

( laughs ): It's nothing.

No, when the bombing raids of the squadron you commanded started to become slightly annoying to the Third Reich, I was assigned to study your tactics, Colonel, to get inside your head.

So, I learned everything about you-- everything.

And then I begin to, uh, to probe, to, uh, search for a weakness.

Loud ties.

No, no, your tactical planning, Colonel.

Brilliant, yes, but at times, over-elaborate.

So, I was able to predict precisely the plan of your last bombing raid on Hamburg, in which you were sh*t down, and I ( chuckling ): I was sh*t up to General.

A little joke, Klink.

( laughing ) Well, as long as it wasn't a total loss.

No, and I've kept an eye on you ever since, Hogan.

Yes, even while you were here in prison camp.

Uh, Klink, this idea of a research project-- this idea was not suggested to you by Colonel Hogan? Oh, of course not, Herr General was it? Yes, Klink.

Yes, I recognize instantly the Hogan touch.

Over-elaborate planning.

Mm-hmm, a clever device to get an airplane within reach, which you would then steal and, uh, all escape to England.

Uh ah, you, uh, you are crestfallen, yes? Uh, no, sir.

I just have a naturally crestfallen face.

( clearing throat ) It is disquieting, Hogan, to have someone inside your head, yes? ( chuckling softly ): Huh? My airplane will be under 24-hour guard.

Night and day, So, you would be better starting up ( chuckling ): some other little plan, which I shall know before almost you do yourself.

Ah, Klink, shall we, uh, get on with the research project? And, uh, move out the men.

Yes, sir! Of course, Herr General.

Achtung! Right face! Forward, march! What do we do now, Colonel? We're fighting against a ruddy crystal ball.

Yeah, sounds kind of spooky to me.

What'll I do with my bombs, Colonel? Carter Forget it, sir; I'm sorry.

You've got your own problems.

I can assure you, General Biedenbender, that Yes, what is it? Colonel Hogan requests an audience, Herr Kommandant.

We're much too busy.

Send him in, Hilda.

Send him in! You may go Fraulein Hilda.

Stay, Hilda.

Stay! My congratulations on the test today, General.

We didn't have a chance.

Naturally.

Great sh*t in the arm for German morale.

Didn't do much for ours.

Hogan, what is it you want? Whatever you're drinking.

( laughs ) Hogan! Very good.

Colonel Hogan's had time to hatch up another one of his little gambits.

Yes? Nothing like that at all, sir.

I was wondering if-- to celebrate your victory today-- you and your men would care to join us in our barracks tonight for dinner.

With the Fraulein Hilda, of course.

Fraulein Hilda, of course.

Simple prison fare.

You forget, Hogan, I'm inside your head.

Yeah? ( chuckles ) Herr General, what is it? What is he planning? Well, Hogan, the plan is almost too simple.

Once we are inside the prison barracks, they overpower us, use me as a hostage, and, uh, make their escape.

Not so? I deny most emphatically, General, that I Ah-ah-ah.

I guess you hate me for it, sir.

( laughing ): Oh, no, not at all, Hogan! Not at all! I find your little schemes very, uh stimulating.

So you shall join us for dinner tonight in Colonel Klink's quarters, and, uh, Fraulein Hilda, of course.

Yes, sir.

I don't deserve it, sir.

Ah, you forget again, Hogan.

It is your birthday.

Smile! You are fantastic, sir.

You mean, he really fell for that, Colonel? Sure, but we've got some work to do.

Colonel, I've got to hand it to you.

I would have said that general didn't have a single weakness.

No, just booze, girls, and the feeling that he's always right.

The normal weaknesses.

Look, I need you two guys to get me some Luftwaffe uniforms for Karis and Hardy, all right? Right Colonel.

Carter?Yeah.

I want you to get those bombs of yours out to the end of the tunnel, and we're gonna have to leave one.

We got a big crew.

We're all going out, Colonel? Look at the way we did today on those tests.

We need some flying time.

Oh, you disappoint me, Colonel Hogan.

Here we have dined together, had a little coffee, and now some schnapps, and, uh, you've not come up with one single little plot, one scheme.

Oh, you misjudge me, General.

Colonel Klink will give me a character reference.

A model prisoner, right, sir? Uh, there have been some strange things here from time to time, sir, but never an escape.

You see? Make no mistake, Herr Klink, you have an eagle in your cage.

An eagle? BIEDENBENDER ( laughs ): Yes.

Most resourceful, but most dangerous.

When I get back to Berlin, Hogan, I shall still be keeping an eye on you.

And you can do it, sir.

When are you going? Hmm? Why? Oh, no reason.

No reason at all.

Not before tomorrow? ( laughs ) I shall leave tonight.

But-But Herr General, I thought you would stay at least until And so did Colonel Hogan.

Oh, no.

He's planning some action for tomorrow.

I know this man.

But Herr General, he is a prisoner.

Prisoner, schmizner.

Makes no difference.

Klink, call your aide.

I'm leaving for Berlin tonight.

KLINK: Of course, Herr General.

Schultz? Schultz, I I'm-I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant I was I was in the kitchen.

You are always in the kitchen.

Sergeant, tell my men to get aboard the plane, dismiss the guards, have the crew prepare for takeoff.

I am flying to Berlin tonight.

It shall be done, Herr General.

Schultz, take me back to my barracks.

It's on your way.

I'm sorry I won't be able to see you to your plane, sir.

That's all right, Hogan.

I, uh I'm sure Fraulein Hilda will fill in for you very nicely.

You win again.

BIEDENBENDER: Hogan? I hope I haven't spoiled your birthday party.

You are a devil, sir.

( chuckles ) I try.

Don't bother to notify the crew, Schultz.

They'll meet you at the plane.

Oh, please, Colonel Hogan.

It will be worth my life! You're right, of course, Schultz.

I am? Yeah, the jig's up.

This man can read my mind.

I'll be a better person inside when I make a clean breast of everything that's been going on around here.

Mm, please, Colonel Hogan.

You won't mention my name? Yeah, but I'll recommend leniency.

Oh, please, Colonel Hogan, please.

The crew will meet me at the plane? Word of honor.

( sighs ) You don't care which crew, do you? Colonel Hogan This thing really works.

Pilot to navigator.

Come in, navigator.

It all checks out here, Colonel, so far.

Roger.

Come in, bombardier.

I found a button, Colonel.

Just tell me when.

Not now, Carter.

Yes, sir.

Uh, no, sir.

Yes, sir.

SCHULTZ: Colonel Hogan? Colonel Hogan? Yeah? Colonel Hogan, please.

A man with five children cannot be flying around in the air.

We can't afford to leave you, Schultz.

I'm sorry.

Oh, please, Colonel Hogan.

I won't say a word.

Not one word.

Oh, please, Colonel Hogan! Are we already in the air? Oh! I can't look.

We're waiting for Biedenbender, Schultz.

Don't worry.

We'll bring you back as soon as we b*mb the refinery.

Oh, I cannot stand bombs.

I have been told that by doctors.

I can even get you a letter.

Oh, please Too late, Schultz.

Here comes Biedenbender.

Newkirk, LeBeau, get ready.

You're not going to kidnap a general! All right, here he comes.

Hogan, I see nothing! I know nothing Thank you for a wonderful evening, General.

And good-bye.

Ah, no, not good-bye, Hilda.

Au revoir.

Hmm? Till we meet again.

You see, the activities of Colonel Hogan will need constant watching.

And at close range.

And by me personally, hmm? Au revoir.

Au revoir, Liebchen.

( humming ) What's? ( Biedenbender shrieks ) All secure here, Colonel.

Uh, welcome aboard Stalag Anything we can do to make your flight more comfortable, please feel free to call upon us.

Thank you.

( grunts ) Colonel Hogan is your pilot, we are your stewards, and Sergeant Carter is your bombardier.

Bombardier? Wait! How about it, Kinch? Stuttheim? That's how I make it, Colonel.

The refinery should be below us in about Did you hear that, Carter? You bet I did, Colonel.

Now?! No, not now.

Hold on, Carter.

Easy, boy.

Steady, boy.

All right, Carter.

Get ready, Carter.

Now, now, now! ( bombs whistling ) ( expl*si*n ) Let's get out of here.

Ah, you'll make it all right, Lieutenant.

We've alerted the RAF to look for you.

Oh, I know we'll make it all right, Colonel, but why don't you go back to England with us? Don't tempt me.

Unfortunately, there's a w*r going on.

Good luck.

Thanks.

HOGAN: All right, fellows, let's Hey, Colonel Hogan, I'm too old to parachute jump.

Never too old, Schultz.

Come on.

Colonel Hogan, I'm too big to parachute jump.

Now there you have a point.

Are we all set? We're over Stalag 13 in All right, now, everybody land outside the fence.

We don't need showoffs.

Open the hatch, let's go.

Now, Schultz ( whimpering ) Listen to me, listen.

All you got to do is jump, count ten, and pull the ring.

Off you go.

( yells ) How about nine or eight? Come on, Schultz.

( screams ) Just my luck, I'll meet him on the way up.

Go.

Go.

Carter, come on.

Yes.

Let's go, Chief.

Out.

All right, Hardy, keep him covered, huh? All right.

General, you'll like England.

It's a fun place.

Cannot understand it.

I-I just cannot.

You'll have time to figure it out.

Oh, General, you probably know what I'm gonna ask you.

No, I do not.

What? Don't you want to wish me Happy Birthday? You are a devil, Hogan.

I try.

I want answers, and I will have answers.

Now a Gestapo investigating team is on its way here.

Do you know what that means? Something happened? The impossible has happened.

General Biedenbender took off in his own plane last night, apparently alone, bombed the refinery of Stuttheim, then defected to England.

Well, they say, if you drink, don't drive.

( grunts ): Schultz.

Y-Y-Yeah, Herr Colonel.

You were ordered to call the crew of that plane.

They were not called.

Why? Herr Kommandant, I Biedenbender countermanded the order.

Right, Herr Kommandant.

But he was so loyal, so dedicated.

Maybe he heard something.

What? You heard something? What? After the Gestapo goes.

After the Gestapo goes? You know they have ways of getting things out of a man.

Yes.

Of course.

I know.