06x10 - It's Dynamite

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( theme song playing ) HOGAN: Nitro or dynamite.

LeBEAU: Do we have a choice? That stuff's dangerous.

Thanks, Carter.

It's also against the Geneva Convention to keep dynamite in a POW camp.

Andrew, the complaint department's on the third floor.

Why here, sir? Because they know Allies wouldn't b*mb a stalag, that's why.

HOGAN: Uh-oh.

Conference coming up.

Let's go.

Stalag 13 is the logical place to store this material.

Material? Dynamite.

Donnerwetter! It is dynamite.

Otherwise known as Donnerwetter.

KLINK ( over radio ): But you're using the cooler to store it.

You have no prisoners in there.

You run such a perfect camp, Klink, you have no need for a cooler.

You cannot use it, and that's final.

You have one simple alternative, Commandant.

You can transfer to a frontline combat unit.

My cooler is your cooler.

Klink doesn't scare easy.

Not easy, but fast.

I will use one of the cells for an office until my job here is finished.

Ja, ja.

May I ask what the dynamite is for? You may not.

Then I won't.

Now, the dynamite will be moved by truck at the proper time.

I will need a driver or two.

We are somewhat shorthanded.

Ja.

Schultz, is there a man you can assign to the major? Ja, Corporal Weber.

No ( giggles ) he's in communications.

I cannot spare him.

Sergeant Schmidt, perhaps? SCHULTZ: Excellent idea, Herr Kommandant.

His uncle is officer in the Gestapo.

Forget Schmidt.

Oh, that was stupid.

Schultz, try to be a little bit more intelligent about this.

I'm sure you have some man here who is not really needed.

Someone not vital to the w*r effort.

Someone who's not really needed.

Expendable.

Ja.

I'm a terrible driver.

We do not need an expert.

I'm a little too heavy to sit behind the wheel.

We will move the seat back.

Any more excuses, Schultz, huh? Nein, Herr Kommandant, unless you have any.

Please? It's all settled then.

You will drive the first shipment when we are ready.

I'm very proud of you, Schultz for volunteering.

This is our chance to get some extra dynamite.

Hijack? Right.

Schultz should be a pushover.

I don't understand, Schultz.

Why are you paying your debts? NEWKIRK: You feel all right, do you? I want to settle up, just in case.

Danke, Colonel.

You leaving us? It's a good possibility.

Haven't we got a sweater for him? You mean two sweaters.

I can sew them together.

Why why do you want to give me a sweater? You're being transferred to the Russian Front, right? Worse.

I'm going to drive a dynamite truck.

POWs: What! Huh? Dynamite? Here, Newkirk, I owe you six bars of chocolate.

Well, what's this? I gave you good English chocolate; you give me this German rubbish? Where you taking the dynamite, Schultz? I don't know.

How can you be driving a dynamite truck and not know where you're going? It's top secret.

Well, they must have told you something.

One of the Gestapo men mentioned something about the Flensheim road, but I get my orders when I leave the camp.

Well, it was a pleasure guarding you.

Nice being guarded, Schultzy.

( others agree ) Hey, Schultz, what are you going to do about your wife-- you know, just in case? She always says I haven't done anything for her through all these years.

Why should she expect anything now? ( sighs ): Auf Wiedersehen.

I hope.

It was the best w*r I ever had.

Flensheim road Not much to go on, is it? Like to know where that dynamite's going.

I think I'll have a sh*t at Klink.

Which somebody should have taken years ago.

And it's none of your business if the Gestapo stores dynamite in a POW camp.

It's against all the rules of civilized warfare.

There is no such thing as civilized warfare.

You guys ought to know about that.

All right, Hogan, I will not put up with your insolence.

Commandant, unless that stuff is moved to the arsenal at Hammelburg, I intend to make a formal complaint to the protecting power.

It is not going to the arsenal at Hammelburg.

All right, the ball bearing plant at Flensheim then.

It isn't going there either.

Look, it doesn't matter.

You don't have to tell me.

You think I would, Hogan? My orders are to cooperate with the Gestapo, and when I'm given an order, I obey.

I'm a good German.

Funny, you don't look German.

All right, Hogan.

Dismissed! Commandant, do you realize if that stuff goes up, you go up with us? In one giant expl*si*n, monocle and all.

What are you going to do about that? I'll tell you what I'm going to do about that.

Fräulein Hilda! Herr Kommandant? Prepare furlough papers at once-- indefinite period.

Reason for furlough: family business.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

In whose name? Wilhelm Klink.

Everything's loaded.

All right.

Now, all we've got for sure is the Flensheim road.

It's best if we stop Schultz just beyond the bridge.

Yeah, the road curves.

He must slow down.

Right-- we'll unload the stuff, hide it in the woods and use it as we need it.

At last, a munitions dump of our very own.

We're really coming up in the world.

Baker, alert the underground.

We'll need a liaison man.

Right, sir.

In my opinion, sir, we don't need any help.

Sergeant, do you mind if I exercise my eagles once in a while? The underground can use some of the dynamite.

They'll have to know where it is.

Yes, sir.

Geez, some people are so touchy.

Carter! Yeah? You, Newkirk and I will handle the truck.

Right.

Baker, LeBeau-- observation.

Two positions-- one here and one about there.

Radio or light signals, sir? Radio-- use the walkie-talkies.

We'll go out right after roll call.

Anything else? I hope that big Kraut doesn't blow up that truck before he gets to the bridge.

Well, in case that happens, just don't get hit by a flying Schultz.

( engine humming ) Lookout One calling Papa Bear.

Over.

HOGAN ( over radio ): Papa Bear to Lookout One.

Read you loud and clear.

Over.

Big Ball just drove by.

Lookout Two calling Papa Bear.

Come in, Papa Bear.

Over.

HOGAN: Papa Bear to Lookout Two.

Over.

Big Ball moving your direction.

Over.

HOGAN: Roger, Lookout Two.

Read you.

Return to home base.

Over.

All right, Schultz is on the way.

Newkirk, Carter, get the sign on the road.

Right, sir.

All right, Berger, when he stops for the sign, you talk to him.

Tell him you have a message from Major Hochstetter.

Major Hochstetter.

That'll give us time to move in, tie him up and do the job.

I understand, Colonel.

HOGAN: where could he be? Schultz is never on time for anything.

It can't be more than four miles to where Baker's observation point is.

Did the truck break down, Colonel? Schultz could have walked back to camp by now.

Baker and LeBeau would've reported it.

Papa Bear to home base, Papa Bear to home base.

Come in.

Over.

BAKER ( over radio ): Home Base to Papa Bear.

Reading you okay.

Over.

No sign of Big Ball.

Question: Has Big Ball returned to home base? Over.

BAKER: Negative.

Repeat, negative.

Over.

Understood.

Over and out.

No side road, not even a path-- no place he could've turned off on.

Uh, it's a right old mystery.

The trees here are so thick, he could not have driven off the road more than a few yards.

Especially Schultz.

How can you lose a load of dynamite and a 300-pound Kraut sergeant? Gone into thin air.

I've got a suggestion, sir.

Why don't we turn out the lights, and whoever stole Schultz and the truck, put them on the table, and no questions asked? Sometimes I wish we had a cooler of our own.

I was only trying to lighten things up a bit, sir.

( feigns cough ) ( clears throat ) Cough.

( clears throat ) Newkirk, can't you see I'm busy dictating? And a jolly good job you're doing of it, if I may say so, sir.

Where's the commandant? Packing for his furlough.

What's the problem? I've got to see you, sir, have a word with you.

Very important.

I'm sorry, Fräulein.

( whispers ): Schultz got back this morning early.

The truck was empty.

How about that? I'll talk to him right away.

Would you like me to carry on with your dictation, sir? You're very helpful.

No, thanks.

HILDA: Colonel Yes? Didn't you forget something? What? Your cap.

You're a love.

So, how'd it go, Schultz? Easy, nothing to it.

A piece of strudel.

A piece of cake.

I like that, too.

Congratulations.

At least you're alive.

Danke, Colonel Hogan.

Oh, Colonel Hogan Mm-hmm.

You know the money I borrowed from you and I gave it back to you yesterday? Yeah, what about it? Bitte, Colonel Hogan, could I borrow it again? Oh, sure, Schultz.

By the way, where'd you take the dynamite? Oh, I couldn't tell you that.

The Gestapo would sh**t me on sight.

Oh, you want me to trust you, but you don't want to trust me.

( music plays from radio ) Oh, you fixed it.

Yeah.

Oh, thank you, Colonel Hogan.

Anytime at all, Schultz.

Colonel Hogan, may I ask you something, please? Yeah.

Colonel Hogan why are you so curious? Just bored, Schultz.

You know how it is.

I cannot tell you anything about the dynamite, even if you do not lend me the money.

All right.

All right, Schultz.

Hey Old Dynamite Daredevil driving again tonight? SCHULTZ: Oh it's Corporal Müller.

He volunteered at the request of Commandant Klink.

Oh, Flensheim road again? No, it's the north road.

That's all I know.

North road, out towards the Hammelburg power station.

I know nothing! Nothing! Thank you, Colonel Hogan.

He knows nothing.

Never bloody well does.

Only this time, he's lying.

The Gestapo's got him scared.

So, Müller's taking another truckload out tonight.

Do we try for it, Colonel? If you mean hijack it, no.

It's more important we know where the Krauts are taking the stuff, and the sooner, the better.

Beginning to bother you, Colonel? Yeah-- last night I dreamt that Schultz ate all the dynamite.

With him, it's possible.

( no audio ) ( no audio ) HOGAN: Berger, you were closest to the power plant.

Less than a quarter of a mile, Colonel.

No activity.

Nothing unusual.

And I never saw the truck.

But the rest of you did and reported it.

Well, that means that Müller and the truck disappeared somewhere between these two points.

Mm-hmm.

It's an even-money bet he's going to show up with an empty truck tonight or tomorrow morning.

Berger, can you have your people organize a search? Yes, we can do that, Colonel.

All right.

Work on the Flensheim road first, huh? We'll search the bridge on both sides of the road.

Contact by radio-- work it out with Baker.

And if he doesn't find anything, Colonel? We'll have to consider digging up Sherlock Holmes.

I have a feeling we're not alone.

So have I.

There's that man again.

Can't you knock or cough or anything? Well, I hate to interrupt you when you're dictating, sir.

From Berger.

"Merchandise located.

Meet tonight 2300 hours, bridge.

" That's the best news we've had all week.

Tell Baker to confirm the meeting.

Would you like me to Uh no, thanks.

( hinge creaking ) HOGAN: So this is why we never saw Schultz that night.

Of course-- we were waiting on the other side of the bridge.

And he was here, unloading the stuff and stashing it in the ground.

And we found another cache like this near the power plant.

That settles it for me.

I wish you'd settle it for us.

The Allies land in Europe, fight their way into Germany.

The Krauts retreat and make it tough for us.

They blow up bridges and power plants.

Scorched earth.

HOGAN: That's what they call it.

You hide dynamite near the installation you plan on blowing up.

It's handy when you need it.

Let's get it out of there.

HOGAN: No, no, no.

Leave it right here.

All right, close the lid.

Put the lock back on.

Notify all underground units: Don't move any dynamite they may find.

We don't want the Germans to know that we know.

Those bloody Krauts-- they think of everything.

Except how to win the w*r.

Let's go.

My guess is that Hochstetter has the job of hiding the dynamite in this sector of Germany.

He's a good man for it, sir.

Yeah, he's so secret, he wouldn't even talk to himself.

If I'm right, he'd have a map or a chart with the locations with him.

London could use that, and we have to get it first.

It's impossible, I'd say.

I have a little plan that might work.

See how wrong you can be? I bet I know what it is, Colonel.

You start a fire, a diversion, something like that.

Then you take the map while they're not looking? A fire with all that dynamite? As strange as it may seem, Carter's close, but not a fire-- smoke.

When, Colonel? HOGAN: Tomorrow.

Klink leaves on furlough, Schultz will drive him to the station.

They'll both be out of camp.

Baker, we'll need a car from the motor pool.

Check.

Take it out of camp tomorrow night, keep it under cover.

We'll also need a girl.

She's got to be pretty, intelligent and with guts.

Baker, get in touch with Berger; he can help us.

Right, Colonel.

Oh, Carter, we'll need some smoke bombs-- four or five of them, huh? Right, Colonel, can do.

A girl and a car? Sir, the car I understand, but why the girl? Simple-- fire chief of Hammelburg never goes anywhere without his secretary.

Fire chief of Hammelburg? Guten Tag, Major.

Guten Tag.

I am the fire chief from Hammelburg.

My papers-- you will find them in order.

Oh, and, uh my secretary, Fräulein Schmidt.

Heil h*tler.

( breathlessly ): Heil h*tler.

Well, Chief, your secretary looks as if she could start fires as well as put them out.

( cackles ) Well, Chief, what can I do for you, huh? Hmm, well, this is just a routine inspection.

It's Fire Prevention Week, you know.

Oh, no, I did did not know that.

Neither did I.

Oh, allow me.

CARTER: Until last night, I mean.

Well, time does fly, doesn't it? MAJOR: Yeah, well, you could have saved yourself the trouble.

This is a m*llitary post.

The Luftwaffe maintains its own fire-fighting unit.

CARTER: Oh, well, miltary-shmilitary.

All I know is, I'm to inspect everything in or near Hammelburg.

All right, all right, carry on.

Danke.

That's a nice load of dynamite.

( chuckling ): Ja.

Oh, uh danke.

But you have very poor ventilation.

This was a cooler.

Oh.

Ah, well, I've known coolers to get pretty hot.

I have noticed you in town, Major.

Oh, yeah? You have noticed me, huh? SCHMIDT: You Gestapo men-- you're so handsome in your black uniform.

Those cute caps with the death head insignia.

There's something so romantic about a skull and crossbones.

Oh, ja? I never noticed that before.

Ja, that is pretty, ja.

MAJOR: Fräulein Schmidt, I would enjoy seeing you sometime.

( Elsa giggles ) Shall I give you my address? Oh, no, that's all right.

I have everybody's address.

Well, alles in Ordnung now, Major.

Ah, danke.

Good.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Wiedersehen.

Wiedersehen.

Fräulein Heil h*tler.

Don't forget to call me.

MAJOR: Oh, I will most certainly not forget to call you, Fräulein.

Chief, you may inspect here anytime you wish.

Just be sure to bring Fräulein Schmidt with you, huh? Danke.

You watch your ventilation.

Wiedersehen.

Wiedersehen.

Wiedersehen.

MAJOR: Fire! Fire! I warned you about your ventilation! Fire! With all this dynamite? Help! Stay where you are, Major! I will get help! I'll bring someone! Please stay.

There's a fire in there! HOGAN: Thanks, Chief.

LeBEAU: We're here, Major! Careful there.

We got it, Major.

Here, Major, let us help you, huh? Oh, the filing cabinet.

The filing cabinet! BAKER: We got to get out of here! The stuff's going to blow! Why do you need the filing cabinet? This is full of the names of suspects.

Don't worry, you can get more! HOGAN: Careful, Major.

Oh, wow! Whoo! Hogan, you saved my life.

If it wasn't for the colonel, you could've been blown up in there.

Blown up or drowned.

( groans loudly ) There's the bridge location and the power plant.

And there's the Gladstein dam.

Mm-hmm.

You guys did a nice job.

All right, we'll get you out of camp tonight, Fräulein Schmidt.

You get this to London, huh? I'll take care of it, Colonel.

LeBEAU: Attention! Special formation right away.

Schultz is yelling for us.

All right, let's go.

Carter Oh.

Here we go.

Sir, tell Schultz I'm just going to have a game of darts with Elsa.

I, uh I think Maybe I'd better go.

They miss me, you know.

KLINK: Even though you are prisoners, I cannot tell you how proud I am of your actions in our recent emergency.

( sneezes ) Not only did you save Major Hochstetter's life-- for which I'm very grateful-- but also his briefcase and other valuable property of the Third Reich.

In appreciation, I shall reward you one whole week of white bread.

( all cheer ) LeBEAU: Marvelous! KLINK: Please, I'm not finished.

An additional award will be Wiener schnitzel on Saturday night.

( all cheer ) Wiener schnitzel? Why? Someone sh**t a horse? And now, the senior POW officer, Colonel Hogan.

Thank you, Commandant Major.

( sneezes ) Well, no one wins an award like this without help.

I want to thank everybody who made it possible.

And to you, Commandant Klink, Major Hochstetter, I can only say I had a wonderful time at your fire.