06x06 - Jason Flirts, Maggie Hurts

[bunniefuu]

TV: The Saturday sports spectacular continues with the national junior collegiate cheerleaders quarter finals.Blonde division.

Ben: Alright!

TV: Don't touch that dial.

Ben: I ain't touching nothing.

Chrissy: What are you watching Ben?

Ben: Chrissy, do you have to eat your breakfast in here?

Carol: Yes she does.What are you watching?

Ben: Cartoons apparently.

Mike: Hey dad!

Carol: He's upstairs.

Mike: Hey Dad!

Carol: Must you yell?

Mike: How else is he going to hear me?Hey dad, if you want me to go to the gym with you,I'm already.I didn't shower and everything.

Carol: He's in bed Mike.

Mike: What's he doing asleep?Its nine thirty.

Carol: I didn't say he was sleeping.

Mike: Oh!One of those Saturdays.

Ben: One of what Saturdays?

Mike: You know...

Carol: Mike, do you mind.

Chrissy: Like I haven't heard worse around here!

Ben: What are you guys talking about?

Mike: Hey Ben, go back to your cartoons.

Mike: You seriously don't know?Come on Ben.

Carol: Chrissy.

Mike: We've met.

Carol: No, what we are talking about.

Mike: Look Ben, what do little horn balls your age think of every waking hour of their lives?

Chrissy: food.

Ben: Hey, she took my answer.

Carol: I think it's safe to let go of Chrissy's ears.

Ben: Its not food, what else ids there?

Mike: It makes you want to puke hu?

Ben: So stupid.

Chrissy: So he knows too.

Mike: You know dad.This is what life is all about.Sweating with your father.

Jason: It took me a year to get you here.

Mike: You wait.It sure won't be a year until I come back.

Jason: What are you after Mike?

Mike: Come on.You honestly think I'm saying all this just to hit you up for a few dollars?

Jason: How few?

Mike: Two hundred.Eddie and I want to go in on a beach house.

Jason: Where?

Mike: Well, it kind of depends on how this goes.

Jason: You are nowhere near the sand Mike.

Mike: Wow!Wow!

Lady: Hey Jase.Look at you!

Jason: I'd rather look at you Gretchen.

Gretchen: You are really coming along.

Jason: Thank you.Thank you.

Gretchen: Your chest looks strong.

Jason: Yeah, want to see it dance.

Gretchen: You are really firming up.

Jason: Well hello there.

Gretchen: I'll see you later.

Jason: See you.

Mike: Alright dad.

Jason: What.

Mike: That was a woman.

Jason: No.

Mike: And she was actually coming on to you.

Jason: It happens occasionally.

Mike: And you were coming on to her.

Jason: Come on.Are you kidding.I barely noticed she was attractive.

Mike: Oh come on dad.You do exactly what I do with women.Only not so well.

Jason: I don't know what you are talking about Mike.I was just being nice to her

Mike: Nice!Dad you were flirting.And you're a married man.

Jason: Since when did being married mean that you can't talk to a woman

Mike: Dad, I'm not saying that.All I'm saying is that for just two hundred dollars, mum may never need to answer that question.

Jason: Mike, Mike.You have no idea what a worthwhile relationship is all about.

Mike: One seventy-five?

Jason: For your information, not only would your mother not mind if a young lady and I sh*t the breeze, but it is my opinion, and this is my professional gut instinct, my guess is that your mother would think it's kind of cute.

Mike: Cute!

Mike: sh**ting the breeze.

Jason: sh**ting the breeze, with another woman, it reminds her that I belong to her and she has something of value.

Mike: One fifteen this never happened.

Maggie: Ben.

Ben: Yes.

Maggie: Ben, you are supposed to be entertaining Chrissy.

Ben: I am.

Chrissy: Ben, the commercial's over.You are missing a blonde pyramid.

Ben: Its ok, I'm taping it.

Maggie: Is anything wrong?

Ben: No.

Maggie: Did you want to talk about something?

Ben: Did you want to talk to me about something?

Maggie: Ben do you have a problem?You look more lost and confused than usual.

Ben: Let's just say I'm stunned.

Maggie: About what?

Ben: Nothing I can talk to you about.I need my space.

Maggie: Well ok.Well whenever you want to talk about whatever's on your mind, I'm available.

Ben: That's what I hear.

Ben: What's wrong with my skin?

Maggie: oh nothing sweetheart.I just meant that I'm human.

Ben: Human.She's human!Since when?She's human.So is dad.They have needs.They take their pants off one leg at a time.Parents are people!

Carol: Ben, how dare you have our little sister watch a blonde pyramid.Oh and now you hit me on the head with a banana.How did you do that?

Maggie: Oh Chrissy!

Chrissy: I didn't do it.

Maggie: Ben, I thought you were supposed to be watching your sister.

Ben: I am.

Mike: Dad, I just want to know why you weren't as nice to the towel guy as you were to the juice bunny.

Mike: Like mum's dumb enough to buy that.

Maggie: Like mums dumb enough to buy what?

Chrissy: Hi daddy.

Jason: Hi sweetheart.Isn't that a bit too much make up?

Maggie: Don't change the subject.Mum's not dumb enough to buy what.

Jason: I'm glad you're here Maggie.I need you to help me demonstrate something to the boy.

Maggie: Ok.

Jason: It seems that Mike here, has the mistaken impression that you, as a woman would be upset if I, as aHa ha.

Maggie: Pardon me?

Maggie: Who?

Mike: Well apparently she likes to talk with her hands.

Maggie: Who?

Jason: Come on.She merely patted my stomach and tapped my chest.

Mike: And grabbed your butt.

Maggie: Who are you talking about?

Mike and Jason: Gretchen.

Maggie: Oh Gretchen.Who in the hell is Gretchen, and where did she grab you again?

Jason: In the gym.Mike has the mistaken impression that you as a woman would be upset if me, as a man...

Maggie: Jason, just tell me what you are trying to say?

Mike: Yeah dad.I'd kind of like to hear how you explain this babe too.

Jason: Let's not be chauvinistic here.A babe did not grab me Mike.A woman.

Maggie: What?

Mike: And to think we could have avoided all this ugliness.

Maggie: How nice?

Jason: Let me put it this way.I was basically the same to the towel guy.

Mike: Come on dad.The towel guy didn't pat you on the behind.

Maggie: now, now wait a minute.

Jason: It's very simple.I was just as a man, to a woman...

Maggie: Not you Jason.Mike?

Mike: Mum, this babe goosed dad.

Jason: Oh, that's such an exaggeration.It was so innocent.And it all developed out of a conversation about my body.

Maggie: Ha ha ha.And I bet your dad went "well hello there".

Jason: You know me too well Maggie.

Maggie: Yes I sure do honey.

Mike: You really don't mind, do you?

Jason: And we hope that one day you will have a mature relationship like your mum and me do.

Mike: Well I don't.I think this is kind of sick.Mum, if I had a husband and he was flirting around with other women, I would be pretty upset.

Jason: So would we.

Mike: Mum, how can you think this is cute?

Maggie: Pardon me?

Mike: Yes, dad thinks that you think it's cute when he flirts with other women because it makes you feel like a lucky doll.How dad, why don't you give mum a real hoot and take this babe out for a spin?

Jason: Boy, he's got a lot to learn, hu?

Chrissy: Nine.

Jason: Eight fifteen.

Chrissy: Eight forty five.

Jason: Eight thirty.

Chrissy: Done.

Jason: I'm getting too old for this.

Mike: Hey dad, am I still covered by your auto insurance?

Jason: Yeah.

Mike: Good.

Jason: What?Good!Why?

Mike: No, no.I didn't get in an accident.It's just that well, since I am now financially unable to afford a beach house, I'm going to be doing a lot of driving this summer.

Jason: Sorry I asked.Reservations in eight minutes Maggie.

Mike: So, you are all dressed up.

Jason: Yes.I'm taking your mother out for a little dinner this evening.

Mike: In your groveling suit.

Mike: well mum must be pretty upset about your flirting, hu?

Jason: No she isn't and I didn't.You know, women can be strange.Who knows what is really the matter.Maybe one of her dresses didn't fit this morning.Maybe it's the age thing.Maybe she feels that her best years are behind her.Maybe...

Maggie: Maybe it's my marriage.

Jason: Maybe.Mike, don't ever talk to me again.

Mike: Ever?

Jason: Ever.Ever

Waiter: An excellent choice of wine.

Jason: Thank you Marcus.

Waiter: Enjoy.Isn't it fun to spend money?

Jason: I may even order soup tonight.Good idea though, you and I being out alone, don't you think?Just a spare of the moment kind of thing.A special occasion with no special occasion.I just wanted a chance to tell you how I truly feel about you.

Maggie: I'm happy.

Jason: And you are beautiful.Did I mention that?

Maggie: About sixteen times.

Jason: Well for the seventeenth, you are beautiful.

Maggie: Well thank you again, again.

Jason: So, what shall we start off with here?

Maggie: Well everything looks so good.Oh, I think I'll have the goose liver pate.

Jason: Fine, ok, ok.Let's just deal with.

Maggie: What?

Maggie: Jason, what in the world are you talking about?

Jason: What am I talking about Maggie?Pate, the goose.

Jason: Very smooth.

Maggie: What?

Jason: Maggie, come on.You've been on my back ever since Mike said about the gym.

Maggie: Jason, I haven't said a word.

Jason: Well you don't say a word louder than any woman I know.

Maggie: Jason!

Jason: Maggie, you just didn't use those words on purpose?Come on.Goose, breast, drawn butter.

Maggie: Drawn butter?

Jason: That's right.Drawn butter.If you've got something to say just say it honey.

Maggie: Honey, it's ok.I understand.I am not upset.

Jason: You're not?

Maggie: No.

Jason: Ok.To us.

Maggie: Just don't do your flirting around me.

Jason: Maggie, I wasn't flirting.

Maggie: Then what would you call it?

Jason: I don't know.But I didn't flirt.

Maggie: Ok honey, how would you like it if I didn't flirt, like you didn't flirt?

Jason: I wouldn't mind at all.

Maggie: oh you wouldn't mind if I said to the waiter "nice buns"?

Waiter: Why thank you.

Maggie: You're welcome.

Jason: Do you think I'm walking around saying that kind of thing to women Maggie?Cos I'm not.

Maggie: Well Jason, they are saying it to you.

Jason: Do you think it's easy walking around with a rear end like this?From this jocularity a good time will grow.

Maggie: Fine, fine, we wont have a serious conversation about you middle aged insecurity.

Jason: I'm not middle aged.

Maggie: Oh, you plan to live to be eighty-six?

Maggie: Fine.If you can live with that.

Jason: If I make eye contact with a woman and I imply that maybe I would like to be intimate, and then she, there's some intimacy that, uh, um, some, ...Well where was I?

Maggie: Oh Jason.

Maggie: Jason, for me cant you just apologize?

Jason: Lets dance.

Ben: Well Carol, if mum and dad are just people, that change everything.

Carol: There's a thought there Ben.

Ben: Carol, you are not listening to me.

Carol: There's a thought there Ben.

Ben: Carol!

Carol: Ok.Of course they're people Ben.Look, these may be giant discoveries for someone with a sloped forehead, but they don't interest me.I had those thoughts when I was six.

Ben: You mean you knew that mum and dad were human being all along and you never told me?

Carol: Well would you have believed me?

Ben: No.So dad's just like me?

Carol: Unfortunately.

Ben: You've actually seen the magazines under his bed?

Carol: I'm going to wake Chrissy up so we can do a happy dance that we are girls.

Maggie: Goodnight Ben.

Jason: Mum and I are a little tired, so we are going to go up to bed.

Ben: Alright dad!

Jason: Well, you certainly made a spectacle of yourself tonight.

Maggie: Oh, you minded me doing the Lambada with a handsome man?

Jason: Maggie, there was no dance floor.And just to be picky about it, there was no music.

Maggie: There wasn't?

Jason: Uh hu.And for your information, the Lambada is a forbidden dance.These are the thanks I get Maggie?I have been true to you for every second of the twenty-two years we've been married Maggie.And I can say this to you, I've never had a serious thought, I can say this, I have never had a serious thought about cheating on you.

Maggie: Well then let's deal with your frivolous thoughts.

Jason: I'm disappointed in you Maggie.

Maggie: Oh.You're disappointed in me.

Maggie: Jason, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could we please deal first with your midlife crisis, before we deal with your insanity?

Jason: Oh yeah.Just as long as we keep enough time open to deal with your outrageous behavior at that expensive restaurant.

Maggie: There were no bottoms grabbed, except when the dance called for it.

Jason: Well I didn't do anything to her.

Maggie: Oh right.

Jason: Oh Maggie, come on.Look at the subconscious facts here.I talked to a woman your height, your hair color, your eye color, except little flecks of amber in hers.But what does that tell you?

Maggie: It tells me that you were too stinking close to her.

Maggie: I should have listened to Oprah.You cant count on a marriage even when it has lasted for twenty two years and four months.

Jason: Oprah didn't do a show on that.

Maggie: Her point being that a woman shouldn't trust her marriage when it's built on the fragile psyche of the aging male.

Jason: Oh yeah, well what does Phil Donohue say?

Maggie: Oh Jason, what's wrong with me?

Jason: What makes you think anything's wrong with you Maggie?

Maggie: Don't I excite you anymore?

Maggie: Admit it Jason, you find a twenty-year-old woman with a fully conditioned body and beautiful hair and eyes attractive?

Jason: Maggie sweetheart.What do I need with a beautiful woman when I've got you?

Maggie: Oh save it Jason.Don't you see what happened today was simply a reflex ion of your subconscious need?

Jason: No sweetheart.I don't.I'll tell you what I do see.I see a woman going through middle aged crisis for no reason what so ever.

Maggie: You really don't think I have a reason?

Jason: Come on honey.You're gorgeous.You're intelligent.You're better today than the day i met you.

Maggie: Oh Jason.

Jason:So Why are we arguing?

Maggie: I don't remember.

Jason: Good.

Maggie: Yes I do.Honey it's not your flirting.It's your attitude.It's your unrelenting sureness that you have done nothing wrong.

Jason: Are you sure?Are you sure about that?Because what I thought....it doesn't matter what I thought.

Maggie: Jason, you just don't get it, do you?

Jason: Maggie, tell me what you want?

Maggie: I want you to have some guilt.

Jason: Done.

Maggie: And some awareness too.

Jason: You got it Maggie.

Maggie: Jason, sometimes you are so thick.I mean whether you flirted or not, right or wrong, think for a second if it might appear to me that you might have flirted.Then how would I feel?

Jason: So if you thought that nothing was something, even, even if nothing was nothing, then, the fact that you think that nothing was something means that I hurt you.Maggie, I'm a slope headed jerk.I feel terrible.

Maggie: Great.

Jason: You think it's great I feel terrible?

Maggie: Yes I do.

Jason: How could I be so insensitive?I am the worse person.Please forgive me.

Maggie: Honey it's ok.

Jason: How can it be ok?

Maggie: Because I just found out that your midlife crisis is worse than my midlife crisis.

Jason: You know somewhere in the world it is still Saturday morning.

Gretchen:: Your parents don't mind us taking all this food?

Mike: Oh no.Just as long as I don't touch their fiber.

Maggie: Jason, I'll get the fiber.

Mike: Ah mum, meet Gretchen.

Gretchen: Hi.

Maggie: I feel like I already have.Damn, they are amber.

Jason: Oh, I'm starved.Oh hi.

Gretchen: Hi.

Jason: get out.

Mike: Oh,ok, we'll see you later.

Gretchen: Nice to meet you.

Gretchen: That's funny.Before you called me up for a date, I didn't have a clue your dad was married.

Jason: She could have asked.