08x07 - The Ratings Game

[bunniefuu]

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ Then suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

I don't think I'll ever
get the hang of this thing.

Nonsense. Anyone can
learn how to use a computer.

Good luck. We've been
trying to teach her for a week.

All you have to do is read the
screen and answer the questions.

"Do you want to go to mars?"

This is it. The end of an era.

You're throwing
out your make-up.

No. I'm throwing out my files.

I don't believe it. What files?

Blair gathers information
on every guy at langley,

And then she rates them.

Kind of like hamburger meat...

Prime, choice, dog food.

So why are you
throwing out your files?

I thought they worked for you.

It was getting ridiculous.

Every time a guy would call
and ask me out for a date,

I'd have to rummage
through all these cards

To see if he was
worth a yes or a no.

I finally said to
myself, "princess..."

That's what I call myself.

I said, "princess,
this is primitive.

"From now on, I'm on computer.

"They're faster and I
can exchange information

With women all over the world."

Other women rate
men the way you do?

Well, of course,
not as accurately.

I prefer going to
three decimal places,

But I can use the
standard 1-10 in a pinch.

I like that...

A woman who's flexible
in her shallowness.

This sounds awfully complicated.

Of course, when I was dating,

They only had roman numerals.

Actually, it's quite simple.

I just look at their height,
weight, kind of car they drive,

Financial status,
family background.

That's more than I
knew about my husband

When I divorced him.

Just out of curiosity,

How would a dude like me rate?

Excluding the height
and car categories?

Short people who
ride bicycles like me

Need love, too.

Blair, how would you like it

If men sat around rating you?

I'd love it.

But it's so dehumanizing.

Not when you're a 10.

If you're a 10, I'd
hate to see a 1.

Then avoid mirrors.

I love being around
college students.

There's always a stimulating
difference of opinion.

You can put down my
computer system all you want.

But I'm hooked up to a
girl at barton college

Who has the same
ratings system as I do.

We've set up an exchange.

Muffy's sending over 20
guys to our mixer tonight

Along with all their
ratings information,

And I'm doing the
same for muffy.

Muffy? Her name is muffy?

What kind of person
is named muffy?

Beats me... Tootie.

Ok, who would like
a computer preview

Of who will be the best
guys to meet tonight?

Nobody cares about
your stupid ratings system.

Fine. Then we'll just
fix you up with a 2.

Blair, it's a mixer.

I'll meet whoever
I want to meet.

Ok. You go ahead

And drift around
this party aimlessly,

Meeting men
completely at random.

Yeah, and blair will
be homing in on them,

Like a heat-seeking m*ssile.

I don't believe this.

How come we got stuck on
the decorating committee?

What are you complaining
about? I'm not even in school here.

Now, girls, let's be fair.

Blair's gotten some of the guys to
come over and help us move furniture.

Yeah, maybe we'll
get first cr*ck

At a couple of live ones.

I lost my head.

Hi. I'm ron.

And I'm don.

Muffy sent us over to
help set up the party.

What party? You must
have the wrong address.

Told you we'd get lost.

Natalie, that
wasn't very polite.

Did you see those guys?

I thought it was illegal

To experiment on human beings.

Ok, so they look a little
strange, but give 'em a chance.

I always say, "you can't
judge a book by its cover."

You can when it's plaid.

All right. I'll get them back.

Come in. I was only kidding.

I guess we look a
little unusual, huh?

No.

I guess you two
are together, huh?

We're pledging a fraternity.

We have to dress like
this for a whole week.

And when you get in, do
you get bigger propellers?

How did you know?

It's supposed to be a secret.

Ron and don, that's jo.

I'm natalie. Tootie.
Beverly ann.

I can't believe they make
you guys dress like that

Just to get into
some fraternity.

Oh, we can dress
any way we want.

They just make us
wear the beanies.

What should we do first?

Help me with the refreshments.

You can be in
charge of the dips.

Cool.

Can't judge a book
by its cover, huh?

So much for clichés.

I'll get it.

Hi.

Hi. I'm doug larson.

I'm here to help
move the furniture.

Great. Come on in.

I'll help.

No, that's all right.

I'm jo polniaczek.

Polniaczek?

I used to play stickball with
a kid named mike polniaczek.

In the bronx?

Yeah.

He's my cousin.

You're kidding. No.

You a friend of his?

Yeah. Well, I used to be,

Until my parents
moved us to connecticut.

Really? What street
did you live on?

Pelham, pelham avenue.

You're kidding. Pelham and what?

Right around the corner
from kimmelman's candy store.

Do you know where that is?

Know it? I used to steal
empty soda bottles from it...

When I was much younger.

I'd swing by there after
school, swipe a couple bottles,

Then I'd walk
around the block...

And then bring them back
for the deposit money.

Guess it was the closest
thing I ever had to an allowance.

That's why old man kimmelman
made them so easy to steal.

He knew there were a lot of
poor kids in the neighborhood,

So he left them out
where you can get 'em.

How do you know that?

He's my uncle.

Great. I used to steal soda
bottles from your uncle.

We're practically related.

My, my, my.

I see we've gotten a lot done.

I've got to hand it to blair.

There are a lot of
great-looking guys here tonight.

Like that guy over there.

Mm-mm-mmm.

Do you think it would be too
forward for me to go over and say,

"Hi. I'm tootie ramsey. What do
you think of interracial marriage?"

Tootie, I told you, you
can't come on strong.

Men are intimidated
by strong women.

I just want to meet the guy, I
don't want to bench press him.

Just be low-key about it.

All right. Fine.

Come on.

Excuse me.

I hope we're not being
too forward, but...

No problem. It
happens all the time.

So, who can I make it out to?

Make what out to?

The autographs.

Why would we want
your autograph?

Bob dillingham, channel 51,

Barton college
television station.

I do the weather.

Here. You'll recognize this.

You do toothpaste
commercials, too?

No, no, no. That's my trademark.

If the weather's
going to be good,

I give it the thumbs up.

Bad, I give it thumbs down.

Great trademark.

Say, would you girls like
to come back to my place

And see my satellite photos?

Oh, uh-uh.

Tell me how somebody that fine

Could be such a jerk.

Tootie, sometimes
looks can be deceiving.

And other times they're not.

Oh.

You know... The
party's over there.

I know. I'm fine.

I'm just waiting for
somebody to show up.

Well, don't wait too long.

I always say, "she who hesitates

Is only waiting until
she does something."

I'll keep that in mind.

Oh. Has the party
already started?

Yes, blair.

You are fashionably late.

Ready to meet mr. 2?

I told you, I will meet
whoever I want to meet.

I think you're afraid to admit
these ratings systems work.

You're out of your mind.

Ok, then let's put it to a test.

I'll spend the evening with a
10, you can spend it with a 2,

And we'll see who
has a better time.

I am not gonna hang out all night
with somebody just to prove a point.

Ok, how about half an hour?

Isn't it worth 30 minutes of
your time to prove I'm wrong?

Let me get this straight.

All I gotta do is talk to
this guy for 30 minutes?

A 2.

And afterwards,
we'll compare notes

And see who had a better date.

Then you'll have to admit
just how well my system works.

All right.

But if it doesn't, I get to dump
your files once and for all.

It's a deal.

I have a perfect 2.

Let me just see
if he's arrived yet.

Want to split the deposit?

Hey, how you doing?

Fine. You look great!

You're not doing
too bad yourself.

Excuse us, but jo's
date has arrived.

Oh.

A deal's a deal.

Your 2 is waiting.

Oh, bob.

This is jo.

She so wanted to meet you.

Of course.

Is that, uh, joe with an "e"?

You two have fun.

I'll be with my 10.

You're on final approach
to the planet's surface.

Right. So I fire retrorocket
and lower landing gear.

Then I hit "enter."

It worked!

I've landed on neptune!

Congratulations!

You're now computer literate.

Oh!

All she needed was
the right teacher.

It must have been
some party last night.

Yeah. Great.

I can't wait till I'm in college
so I can party all night

And then regret
it the next morning

When I look like you.

In fact, I regret it already.

Oh, jo, this is so exciting.

Now I can do the store inventory

And you don't even
have to help me.

Uh-huh.

I take it whoever you
were waiting for last night

Never showed up.

Unfortunately, he did.

Well, don't fret.

Anyone as pretty as you

Shouldn't have a bit of trouble
finding a really terrific man.

Look at blair.

Just last night, she
met a lovely fellow

And already he's asked
her out for next week.

Oh, no. Oh, god.

Oh, now I've done it.

Let me guess.

You fired the retrorockets

And vaporized the inventory.

No. I accidentally put in blair's
ratings disk and erased that

Instead of the
inventory we sold.

What a day. First the
microwave and now this.

Calm down, beverly ann.

Come on, this is
an easy thing to fix.

Do I want to ask what
happened to the microwave?

You know that big
fluffy cat next door?

Oh, no, you didn't?

No, no, no, of course not.

No, but I was trying to
heat up his dinner for him.

Nothing wrong
with that, I guess.

No. In the can.

I guess I wasn't thinking.

Are you sure you can fix this?

Yes. I'll call up the bulletin
board blair subscribes to

And transfer the
information onto this disk.

You're a lifesaver.

Well, if you need me
I'll be in the kitchen

Scraping out the
rest of the meow chow.

It's all right, I'll have
this fixed in no time.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

I'll fix it.

Morning.

You got in kind
of late last night.

Well, I had this sudden
urge to take doug dancing.

How about you? Have
a nice time with bob?

Why don't you just admit it, jo?

You had a rotten
time with your 2,

And I had a wonderful
time with my 10.

We'll get to that later.

Oh, by the way, muffy
called, and she said

You better check the
computer bulletin board.

There have been some changes.

Probably making doug an 11.

There aren't many guys
as wonderful as doug.

But then again, there
aren't many girls

As wonderful as me.

That's impossible.

Hmm? What?

Doug is really a... 2.

You're kidding.

No. And that
weatherman's really a 10.

This update says they
mixed up the files last week.

I told you I had a
good time with bob.

See, you had him all wrong.

I'm supposed to go out with
doug this saturday night.

What am I gonna do?

Knowing you, you'll
probably break the date.

Well, you're wrong.

These ratings are just a tool.

I'm not a complete
sl*ve to them.

I went out with
doug and liked him,

So I'm going to keep
going out with him.

Great.

Hello. Is doug there?

Can you give him
a message for me?

Tell him that blair called,

And I have to cancel
saturday night.

Ok, thanks. Bye.

Couldn't face going
out with a 2, huh?

No.

It's just that
we're incompatible

In some very important areas.

For instance... I like silk.

He likes cotton.

Irreconcilable
fabric differences.

You're right. It
would never work.

You think it's wrong
of me to break this date.

It's up to you.

That's him.

How do you know?

Only a 2 would call right back.

Hello.

Oh, doug, how nice of
you to call so promptly.

Could you hold on just a
tiny little second? Thanks.

What should I do?

I don't know.

Make up some excuse.

Like what?

Tell him your aunt d*ed and
you have to go to her funeral.

On a saturday night?

Tell him there's a
party afterwards.

Can I call you right back?

Ok, thanks. Bye.

Why are you finding
this so difficult?

Look, here's this guy.

He gets a date with me.

Immediately, he brags
to everyone he knows.

I cancel. He's despondent.

He commits su1c1de,

And I'm on the hook for
involuntary manslaughter.

Do you know what happens
to girls like me in prison?

I don't believe I'm having
this conversation.

Look, jo, I know you're not the
kind of person to ever break a date,

Dates being so hard
to come by for you,

But hypothetically,
how would you do it?

Well... Hypothetically,
I would, uh...

Let him down easy
by fixing him up

With someone he'd
like just as well.

Where am I gonna find someone

He'd like just as well as me?

Search me.

Well, I guess he'll have to
make do with second best.

Natalie!

Yeah?

How would you like to spend
a romantic saturday evening

With someone tall,
dark, and handsome?

I already am. I have
a date with snake.

You mean the guy on the
road crew who poured hot tar?

Yeah. He's taking
me to the drive-in.

Tootie!

All right, what's
wrong with this guy?

Nothing. He's wonderful.

Oh, yeah? Well, then, why
don't you go out with him?

He likes cotton.

The scoundrel.

I'll pass.

Well, looks like you're
stuck with this guy.

See you.

Wait a minute, jo.

Have you ever noticed

How the best part of friendship

Is doing something to make
the other person happy?

Listen, I would
love to help you out,

But I already have a date for
saturday night, with bob the weatherman.

Perfect! We'll switch.

Let me get this straight.

You want me to give
up a date with a 10

To go out with a 2.

I'd do it for you.

No, you wouldn't.

You're right.

But that's just because
I'm a selfish person.

You, on the other hand,
are a generous person.

And you have the
opportunity to help me change

By setting a generous example.

All right, you
talked me into it.

But you owe me.

I gotta call doug.

Wait, let me call bob first.

Of course. Alone.

Whatever you say.

I had a great time
at the concert.

Oh, me, too. Four encores.

Well, it wasn't just
the music, though,

It was the way you
were enjoying yourself.

Somehow I can't imagine
blair standing on a chair

Yelling, "more, more!"

She only does that
when she shops.

Could I ask you a question?

Sure.

What made you ask blair out?

Well, at the party I
assumed you were taken

When you went out
with stormy weather.

Right.

And then, even though blair
seemed a little shallow at first,

I figured if she was
a friend of yours,

There was more to her.

Well, that's the
thing about blair.

At first, she seems to
have this shallow facade.

But, once you get to know her,

You realize that's
actually the deep part.

That's why I like
you, you're honest.

Most of the time.

Ok, so you stole a
couple of soda bottles.

And a few other things.

Uh-uh-uh. I never invite
anyone in on the first date.

Well, then I guess
this is good night.

Uh-uh-uh. I never kiss
on the first date either.

Well, what do you
do on the first date?

Make a second date.

Ah. I'll call you tomorrow.

They always do.

Oh, hi.

It's... Doug, isn't it?

Hi.

Uh... Blair, could I talk to you

In the other room
for a minute, please?

Look, jo, I'm really tired,

So if it's about
something I've done wrong,

Can it wait till the morning?

You haven't done
anything wrong. I have.

Well, in that case,
what's a little sleep?

I'll be right back.

Is this something I'm gonna
hold against you for a long time?

Probably.

Good. Let me get comfortable.

This sounds like you
girls need some privacy.

Let me just get out of here.

No, it's all right, beverly ann.

You might as well
stay and hear this, too.

Look, this has been
driving me crazy.

I'm not proud of this,

But I tampered with
your computer disk.

I switched bob
and doug's ratings

So I could go out with doug.

Bob is really the 2, and if
you ask me that's generous.

Nice try, jo, but
it's not working.

What's not working?

Your little plan to
steal bob from me.

This isn't a plan.
It's the truth.

Jo, jo, jo.

I know you must
be kicking yourself

For letting me
trick you out of bob,

But all's fair in love and w*r.

All right, I tried.

And it was a good try.

Oh, nice touch, having
beverly ann stay.

Really added that
air of believability.

If you'll excuse me, I
need my beauty rest.

You were telling the
truth, weren't you?

Yeah.

You mean you went
to all that trouble

Just to prove blair wrong?

Yeah.

No... I didn't.

I did it because I wanted
to go out with doug.

Guess that makes me just as
bad as blair and her ratings, huh?

No.

It just makes you human.

Thanks.

Just like blair.

Thanks.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, fine.

I guess blair
and bob hit it off.

I guess some people were
just made for each other.

Uh, well, I got to go.

What do you say we take a trip down
to the old neighborhood tomorrow?

We can take my motorcycle.

You have a motorcycle?

Yeah. Do you like motorcycles?

Like I said, I guess some people
were just made for each other.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye.