08x09 - Fast Food

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Facts of Life". Aired: August 24, 1979 - May 7, 1988.*
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Spin-off of Diff'rent Strokes; focuses on Edna as she becomes a housemother at the fictional Eastland School, an all-girls boarding school.
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08x09 - Fast Food

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ Then suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

Seriously, beverly ann,

You haven't gone out on a
date since you moved here.

Isn't it about time you
started living a little?

I've lived.

Believe me, it's very overrated.

Okay, so things didn't work out

With your ex-husband.

But it's like
riding a bicycle...

You fall off, you
gotta get back on again.

I'll take the bus.

But...

Thank you, andy.

The price you pay
for being a ladies' man.

Okay, jo, let's go
over this list again.

If I don't get a job,

I won't pass my business course.

All right, how about this one?

"Trainee sales manager,
far east auto imports."

Oh, jo, be serious.

I couldn't sell an economy car

With a clear conscience.

Fine, so don't get a job.

Then I won't graduate.

Then get a job.
There's nothing left.

Is it my fault all the decent
jobs on the list are taken?

Oh, not at all.

Waiting till the last
moment was a great idea.

I'll get it.

Hello.

Yes, this is
beverly ann stickle.

Oliver thompson?

Oliver thompson?

Wait. Don't say another word.

Well... Could you hold
on just a moment, please?

Why not?

Beverly ann, you've got
to have the right attitude

Before talking
to that special guy

Who could sweep
you off your feet.

Is this one of those
bicycles you want me to ride?

He's my new sociology professor.

The minute I saw him, I
knew the two of you

Would be perfect together.

I hope this isn't a toll call.

Tootie, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

But I'm gonna tell
him absolutely no.

Hello? Professor thompson?

Uh... Oliver.

This is mrs. Stickle again...

Beverly ann.

A date?

Tonight?

Well, sure. Why not?

8:00?

Fine. Thank you. Okay, bye.

Oh, that's it, bev. Hang tough.

Boy, am I rusty.

I couldn't even tell him no.

Okay, beverly ann,

The groceries are all put away.

Did any of them make
it to the cupboard?

The ones I could reach.

I'll take care of it.

So, are you gonna wear
your hair up or down?

Oh!

Hey, guys, if snake calls,

Tell him I'm at
senor sombrero's,

But not to call me there

'Cause I can't accept
personal calls at work.

How would they
know it's personal?

Most people don't do business

With a guy named snake.

Here you go, blair.

Senor sombrero's...
It's on your list.

Jo, you're not
seriously suggesting

I dip the warner
hands in refried beans.

I'm suggesting that if you
don't dip them in something,

You're not gonna graduate.

Wait a minute, if
you're talking about

Our student-trainee
program, forget it.

This is my first management job,

And I don't want to risk it.

I need someone who
knows the meaning of work.

Well, that leaves me out.

Play it smart, blair.

With natalie helping
you, it'll be an easy "a."

Natalie, before you
reject me out of hand,

Think of the fun.

Just you and I standing
shoulder to shoulder

Over all that mexican stuff.

Sharing an occasional laugh.

Ha, ha, ha!

Together, feeding
a hungry nation.

If you start singing
we are the world,

I'm leaving.

Okay, but don't
expect any favors.

This job may mean
graduation to you,

To me it's survival.

Be prepared to put your
nose to the grindstone...

Again.

The things I do to graduate.

This is my real nose!

There's your burrito
bonanza and a guacamole slush.

It's $3.75.

And here's your
state flag of utah.

There you go.

Thank you.

Green.

Yes, mr. Simmons.

That scoop of beans you dumped

On the woman's burrito bonanza

Was way over four ounces.

She looked hungry.

Green.

An extra ounce of
beans... Is seven cents.

Seven cents multiplied by

100 Customers a day is... $7.00.

Comprende?

Si. Oh, by the way,

I have an applicant coming in

For that
student-trainee program.

If they're breathing, hire them.

I heard that.

Well... This is... Quaint.

Yes... A quaint dump.

Blair, what are you
so dressed up for?

I'm ready for work.

Where's my office?

First of all, you're
in your office.

And second of all,
we can't get started

Until you fill out

The employment application.

Name?

Whoopi goldberg.

You know my name.

Address, miss goldberg?

Natalie, you've lived
with me for eight years!

You're probably
wearing my pantyhose.

I'm just trying to do
this by the book, blair.

And I borrowed
this pair from tootie.

Age?

22.

Have you been
sexually active lately?

Is that on the form?

No, but I thought I'd ask.

Can we get on with this?

"The applicant must memorize
the following company policies:

"When a customer
comes in and orders

"A twin bean tostada
and a giant nacho mucho,

He is entitled to receive,
absolutely free..."

A stomach pump.

I was about to say
the state flag of utah.

Oh, this is so degrading.

Can't I just hire somebody
to do this for me?

Look, forget the
job. Don't graduate.

Cut off your nose
to spite your face.

Fine. I'll take it.

And how many times
do I have to tell you,

This is my real nose!

All right, I've got
my books, my pencils,

My radio, my black coffee,

My vitamins, my trail
mix, and my beef jerky.

Jo, you're studying
for a midterm,

Not being dropped
behind enemy lines.

Lady and gentleman, ta-da!

Whoa! What a babe.

You look great.

I'm so nervous, I'm
going to throw up.

Beverly ann, everything
is going to be fine.

You're right.

He's only a man,
for goodness' sakes.

I'll get it.

Oh, my god. He's here.

Don't! Tootie, don't
open the door.

I can't go through with this.

Jo, you go out with him.

He's never met me.

You tell him that...
That you're from

That village in russia
that eats the yogurt.

Hi, professor thompson.

Come on in. Tootie.

Everyone, this is
professor thompson.

Good evening, good evening.

How you doing?

And, uh, you must
be beverly ann.

Oh, well, it's...

It's so nice to meet
you in the flesh.

No, I mean with your clothes on.

No, I mean... I think I
know what you mean.

Do you?

Clothes are nice
on a first date.

Tootie here speaks
very highly of you.

Oh, well, you know tootie,
always exaggerating.

She speaks highly of you, too.

That's nice to know.

I think.

So, what do you two kids

Have planned for this evening?

Well, I thought we
might just take in a movie.

If that's all right with you.

Oh, it sounds good.

I... I haven't
seen a movie in...

Well, since last night.

But I like movies.

Well, we could just
go to dinner if you like.

Oh, well, I had
dinner last night.

Oh, but I could have
some dinner again.

You know, here's a nutty idea.

Yeah?

Why don't you
guys go see a movie

And then grab a bite
to eat afterwards?

You mean, all in one night?

Well, why not?

I am a wild and crazy guy.

Oh, senor sombrero is open late.

It's across the street
from the theater.

And the food's...
Well, it's open late.

Well, what do you
think, beverly ann?

Oh, it sounds
good to me. I'm easy.

Yeah? No, I mean...

Why don't you
guys get going, huh?

There you are, sir.

Be careful of the salsa.

It's really hot.

Come on, warner. Get out here.

I hate my life.

You look fine.

How come you don't
have to dress like this?

I'm the assistant manager.

I can't look like a fool.

Well, neither can i.

I see.

Trainee evaluation
form. Cooperation, zero.

All right, all right.

Come on, blair, I'm sticking
my neck out for you.

You've got to make me look good.

Let's get to work.

Lesson number one...
How to assemble a taco.

First, you take your taco shell.

Then you put in your
meat, your cheese,

Your lettuce, your tomatoes,

Your salsa, and your guacamole.

Put it in wax paper and serve.

You mean I have to touch that?

Yes. You're also gonna learn

How to make tamales,
tostadas, burritos.

Oh, listen, I'll be right back.

Wipe down the counter.

Eww!

Oh, uh... Hi.

Is there something
I can get you?

How about a nice fresh taco?

Eh, nah, I'm sick of tacos.

Uh, give me a burrito.

We're all out of burritos.

Okay, make it an enchilada.

Just sold our last one.

How about a tostada?

All gone.

Tamales?

Sorry.

What do you have?

Nice, fresh taco?

Give me a taco.

Excellent choice.

Okay.

♪ First you take your beef,
and then you add your cheese ♪

♪ And then lettuce ♪

Hello.

Oh, hi.

I'm making a taco.

♪ Then you add your salsa ♪

♪ Oops! Forgot tomatoes ♪

♪ And lots of guacamole ♪♪

There you go, sir.

Bon appetit.

Pretty generous with
the guacamole, huh?

Well, I had to do something
to disguise that so-called beef.

Anything else you don't
like about the food here?

Have you got a couple of hours?

Take the produce...
Brown lettuce,

Tomatoes that look like

They've been rolled
in from the field,

And the cheese...

Well, let's put it
out of its misery.

Anything else I
can get you, sir?

No, thanks. I, uh...

I just remembered
I'm on an all-fiber diet.

Look... You...

You just lost a customer.

It wasn't me, it was the food.

We should talk to the manager

About the quality
of his ingredients.

Maybe the manager likes
the quality of his ingredients.

Maybe the manager's an idiot.

Oh, mr. Simmons, I
see you've met blair.

Oh, not formally.

Hi, I'm blair warner,
student trainee.

Jerry simmons, idiot manager.

Oops.

Warner, go shred lettuce.

Good idea.

So that's the new
trainee you hired?

Yes, sir.

She has an attitude problem.

Look mr. Simmons, she's
just a little nervous.

Give me some time
to work with her

And you have my
personal guarantee,

You will be
completely satisfied.

Okay.

But if she screws up one
more time, she's history.

Yes, sir.

And so are you.

The movie should be over by now.

Uh-huh.

They're probably on their
way over to senor sombrero's.

Who?

Beverly ann and
professor thompson.

What about them?

Never mind.

Sorry. I was looking
for a green one.

Why don't we go over there?

Go where?

To senor sombrero's.

Couldn't you use a break?

Definitely. Why don't you go?

Jo, if I go by myself,

Then they'll think
I'm spying on them.

But if we go together...

They'll think we're both spying.

Okay. Fine. I'll go by myself.

It's just too bad
you'll miss seeing blair

Slopping those tacos
in her mexican sombrero.

Bye.

I'll drive.

Blair, pay attention! You're
pouring the salsa into the guacamole!

If you don't shape up,

Mr. Simmons is gonna
ship us both out.

All right, I understand.

But you don't have to treat
me like a total incompetent.

I never used the word "total."

She looks easy.

Go take her order.
I'll handle the food.

Don't blow it.

Yes, sir!

May I help you? Yes, dear.

I would like the
number two combination,

But could I possibly have

Rice on the side
instead of beans?

I don't see why not.

Good. My doctor told me
to avoid all gassy foods.

And you've chosen to eat here?

That's an outgoing
bell, not incoming.

Blair, our policy
is no substitutions.

Oh, but her doctor told
her to avoid certain foods.

Okay, just this once.

You're gonna have to
charge her an extra quarter.

Oh, no. What's happening?

Every night at this time
the movie lets out next door.

It's a madhouse.
Stay on your toes.

Is this table all right for you?

Oh, yes, this is fine.

You know, we could grab
that other one if you want.

Oh, no, no. I love this table.

Oh, you love it?

So... How did you
like the movie?

Oh, I liked it, yeah. Mm, good.

In fact, actually, I
enjoyed it more this time

Than I did the
first time I saw it.

So...

You ever been
to... Hah! Wah! Wah!

No, I've never
made it to hawaii.

I, uh... I want to
do that someday.

Maybe you can recommend a hotel.

Habba! Habba!

Oh, I hear that's
a beautiful one.

You're right on the beach.

What are you... Oh!

Here... Here, let me... Aah!

Excuse me, sir.

Uh, here. Oh! Oh! Ooh.

You feeling better?

Ha! Hee! Heal!

Okay, you had the taco and...

Oh, no, no, you're right.

Okay, you had the taco
and you had the burrito.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I
have the wrong table.

Enjoy.

Chop chop while it's hot.

Chop chop while it's hot.

Here you go, ma'am.

I made the substitution,

But I'll have to charge
you an extra 25 cents.

That much?

Well, I suppose I can
walk home tonight.

It's only seven miles.

I'll tell you what.

You won't have
to leave me a tip.

Oh, I wasn't going to.

Beverly ann, professor thompson.

Oh, blair!

Oh, you look so cha-cha-cha.

I'll be right back.

Oh, miss, you forgot my water.

One water coming up.

Look, natalie.

Isn't that sweet?

There's beverly
ann and her date.

I saw them when they came in.

I think they make a
lovely couple, don't you?

Blair, let me put this in a way

I think you may understand.

Serve the damn food!

Don't forget my water.

If I don't take my pills,

I have a tendency to pass out.

I wish.

There's blair.

There is a god.

Yo, cisco! Could we
have a couple of menus?

They're on the counter.

I know, that's why we
need them over here.

Look. There's beverly ann
and professor thompson.

Yoo-hoo!

Psst!

Uh, let's sit over there
so I can hear them better.

Anyway, as part of
the divorce settlement,

Margery got my water-skis.

Oh.

Well, it didn't really matter.

She already had the boat.

Frank and I were usually
very happy together.

Yeah? But after the divorce,

Our relationship took
a turn for the worse.

Well, will you look at us?

I mean, here we sit,
breaking rule number one...

Never talk about your
ex on the first date.

Oh. Well, it's only natural.

We spent half a lifetime
with those people.

Then this isn't such a bad
way to start the second half.

To the second half.

Oh.

Here's your water.
It's about time.

My food got cold
while I was waiting.

All right, I'll take it back

And reheat it. Thank you.

Oh, miss, since you're
going back there anyway,

Could you change my order?

I'm sorry, but
that's impossible.

Impossible?

Oh, my... Everything's
going black!

All right, all right.
What do you want?

I'll be right with you.

I'll take the number
five combination,

But instead of a
tostada and a tamale,

I'll have two enchiladas.

Just a minute.

I'm sorry, there
are no substitutions.

Yo, waitress, come on!
How about those menus?

Stick a sock in it!

I hate people who are
unhappy with their work.

Warner, we're
getting backed up here.

Yeah, warner, get a move on it.

You know, warner, you're
not being very cooperative.

Oh, manager!

I'm the assistant manager.

What seems to be the problem?

Her! She wants
another substitution!

Give it to her. We can't
afford any trouble.

I want her to wait on me.

You wouldn't be happy
with anyone waiting on you.

You're just a pesty,
fussy troublemaker

Who likes to make life miserable

For working girls like me.

Listen, chippie.

I've been coming in here

Since before you were blonde.

And no one ever
insulted me like that.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how did they insult you?

Excuse me, ma'am.
I'm the manager.

I'm sorry.

Would you like the
state flag of utah?

I would like to go to utah!

Maybe there a senior citizen

Can get some courteous service.

Warner, you're fired.

Oh, you can't fire me. I quit.

You'll have my resignation

On your grill in the morning.

Green!

Before you say anything,
I want you to know

This wasn't entirely my fault,

And I promise, it will
never happen again.

I know it won't. You're fired.

Good morning, natalie.

Come on, nat, how
long do you intend

To hold on to this
ridiculous grudge?

Ridiculous grudge?

I laid road tar... No problem.

I scaled smelt... No problem.

I give a job to a friend,
suddenly I'm a bag lady.

Call it a hunch,
but I have a feeling

You're not adjusting
at all well to this.

Blair, I needed that job,
not to mention the paycheck.

Of course, you don't know what it
means to have to hold down a job.

Good morning, everybody.

Morning.

Stop being so cheerful.

Boy, is she still upset?

Yeah, but don't worry.

I called mr. Simmons and he's
gonna give her her job back.

Based on your close
personal relationship with him?

No, I merely told him that

My father was chairman
of warner industries,

And he was looking for
someone to head up his i.t.d...

International taco division.

Is that true?

Well, he is my father.

And he is the chairman.

Two out of three isn't bad.

So you "warnered" your
way out of another one.

I didn't do this for
me, I did it for natalie.

The poor kid earns her living.

She deserves a second chance.

If you want a hot breakfast,

You'll have to
fix it yourselves.

What? Blair isn't serving us?

Well, you guys work it out.

I'm meeting oliver for brunch

At the campus cafeteria.

Well, I knew that
it would work out.

I should open up my
own dating service.

Good morning.

Is green here?

Green, you here?

Come in. Mr. Simmons, isn't it?

Yes, hi. Oh.

Mr. Simmons.

Hi, green.

Look... I realized I was hasty

In holding you responsible

For your friend's
bungling ineptitude.

So, I wish you'd
come back to work.

Natalie! He's offering
you your job back.

That's wonderful.

I don't know.

Oh, go ahead. Take it, nat.

What about you?
What are you gonna do?

Don't worry about me.

I'll get a job with
someone else.

God help them.

Mr. Simmons, I'm yours.

Great. Can you start right away?

I need someone for
the morning shift.

Sure. I'll go get
my stuff. Great.

Well, there now. "All's
well that ends well,"

As shakespeare and my
grandmother used to say.

Well, I'd better go.

I'm meeting ollie for brunch,

And he's saving a
place for me in line.

"Bungling ineptitude"?

Don't you think you were
laying it on a little thick?

Well, don't you?

What do you mean?

I made a few phone calls.

There is no international
taco division.

Well, then why did you
give natalie her job back?

Because she's a good worker.

And good workers
are hard to find.

Exhibit "a."

Well, I think that went
rather well, didn't you?

Yeah, sure. What
about your degree?

Seriously, blair, are you
really looking for another job?

Of course. I called
far east auto imports,

And I start in the morning.

You're actually gonna show
up every day, punch a clock,

Use the public restroom?

Oh, don't be silly.

I met their adorable sales
manager over the weekend

And he promised me an easy "a."

Sayonara.
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