08x11 - Write and Wrong

[bunniefuu]

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both,
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ Then suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

Keep going.

Keep going.

Keep going.

And... Right... There!

What do you think?

You know, I'm no expert,
but I got to tell you,

It sounds pretty much the
same as it did over there.

And over there, and over
there, and over there.

I don't know... I do.
It's perfect here.

You're not just saying that
to make me happy are you?

Believe me, that's the furthest
thing from my mind right now.

Hey, is the mail here yet?

No, but they delivered my piano.

Is that where
you're gonna keep it?

Yes. Yes.

Oh, george, let's bring in

My sheet music from the garage.

How much sheet music?

Just one small box. Good.

You may have to move that big
old refrigerator to get to it.

Natalie, you aren't by
chance waiting to hear

If you sold a story to
desperate confessions are you?

Give me that. Oh,
please let it be yes.

If there's higher power
of any denomination,

Please let me be published now.

So, open it.

It's probably
another rejection slip.

Natalie, if it were
a rejection slip,

They would have returned
the manuscript, right?

You're right. You're right.

I'm published. I'm published.

"We'll be returning your manuscript
when we do the bulk mail. Please..."

"Accept a complimentary
copy of our magazine."

I'm not published.

You know, maybe
it was the title.

What's wrong with
barbara's downbeat summer?

Nat, don't take it personally.

I mean, maybe you just weren't
what they were looking for.

Let's hope so.

Here's something called
roxanne's august of passion

Written by desiree.

Would you really want to be
published in the same magazine

With someone named desiree?

Yeah, I mean, it
sounds like a perfume

That gets there 10
minutes before you do.

Thank goodness
it's just a small box.

Oh, listen to this.

"Roxanne looked out
the window one last time

"Before she turned back into the
room and switched her sun lamp on.

"Clouds, nothing
but clouds and fog

Had been haunting
the riviera this year."

That's beautiful.

Wait a minute. That
sounds like my story.

It is my story!

Only the heroine's name
should be barbra, not roxanne.

And it's not the
riviera, it's the poconos.

Someone stole your story?

Why?

Because it was the
best thing I ever wrote.

Probably the best
thing I'll ever write.

Probably the last
thing I'll ever write.

Looks like we got a case
of plagiarism in the works.

What should I do?

I always say, "don't
hesitate, litigate."

You know, I got a friend who's
a lawyer right here in peekskill.

It's not the one that helps you
hang doors on the weekends, is it?

Yeah, that's him.

I don't know, I hate
the idea of suing.

"Pining"? She has
barbara pining?

Barbara does not pine.

I'm not only being plagiarized,

I'm being plagiarized badly.

George, go get your friend.

Well.

Well.

Well.

After reading both versions,

I have to say we have a
clear case of plagiarism.

You bet your shingle we do.

So what do we go for here?

Whelp, first thing we got to do

Is find out who this desiree is.

You know, how old is
she? Where does she live?

Is she available?

At this point, no one
is above suspicion.

Has anything unusual
happened around here recently?

No, nothing special.

Not since mrs.
Garrett moved away,

And beverly ann moved in...

Beverly ann have you
ever had the desire

To publish anything
under an assumed name?

I resent your less than subtle
aspersions on my character,

And refuse to participate
in this damnable witch hunt.

No further questions.

But, there were other people

Who had access barbra's
downtown summer.

Downbeat.

Wait a minute, I think you
may be onto something.

I've always known that everyone
here envies my literary prowess.

Natalie, I think you can
safely leave your best friends

Off the most-wanted list.

Okay. Maybe you guys.

But what about those
people at the post office?

I mean, can you really trust
a guy who drives around

In a funny little white truck

With the steering
wheel on the wrong side?

Am I mistaken,

Or do I smell the
irresistible combination

Of after shave and a
monogrammed briefcase?

Blair, you remember
jack, don't you?

That depends.

Are we talking jack
the promising lawyer,

Or jack the shiftless
door-hanger?

Jack the lawyer.

Counselor, what a
pleasant surprise.

Come sit with me.

Let us talk about the law.

Well, I'd like to,

But I'm due at the mayor's
office in 10 minutes.

Natalie, I'll be in touch.

This is quite impressive.

He's handling a
case for the mayor?

No, we're hanging his doors.

If jack calls, tell him
I'll be washing my hair

For the rest of
his natural life.

Beverly ann, it's
your shift in the store.

Try to push the
madonna frisbees.

I think we misjudged her appeal.

Gotcha.

Well, jo, I'm gonna sue.

My lawyer says
I've got a solid case.

You know, I always prefer
the more direct approach.

Find her, confront her,
b*at a confession out of her.

What's going on?

Natalie's suing
somebody named desiree.

Desiree?

She plagiarized her story.

What's bugging
me is how she did it?

The final draft did
not leave my hands,

Except when I gave it
to andy to make copies.

Andy who?

Andy who better have
a real good answer

To natalie's next question.

Andy, did you give me
back all the copies?

Well, that depends.

When you say all, do
you mean all the ones

Including the one I kept?

Yes.

Well, then... No.

But it's not what you think.

Save it, andy. Why did you
take credit for my story?

I don't know anything about it.

Just leave me alone, okay?

I've got to call his parents.

Still no answer. Maybe it's...

How do I tell andy's parents?

Mr. Moffett, the good news
is your son's a plagiarist.

The bad news is his
pen name's desiree.

Wait a minute. His
parents are away.

I seem to remember
andy coming into the shop

And telling me his parents
were going to europe.

Who's taking caring of him?

I think he's been staying
with his grandmother.

Aha! No parental supervision.

The leading cause of crime
and polyester formal wear.

You know, I'm not buying this.

We've known andy
for a long time.

And he's a good kid.

Isn't that the way it always is?

I mean, you think
you know somebody,

Then one day you find
out you really don't.

I mean, what do we
really know about andy?

Sure he's short and cute,

But so is imelda marcos.

I mean, these people just
go along and go along,

Then one day something
happens, and they just snap.

Shut up, tootie.

Like that.

Tootie has a point.

Convoluted as it is.

And you're going to be
one to straighten it out?

Oh, no. That's hopeless.

But I do have a story

Which might shed
light on this incident.

You know, edna once
stole something from me.

That's impossible.
Mrs. Garrett's perfect.

Sure. Now.

But when she
was 14, and I was...

A toddler... There
was a baking contest,

And edna stole my prize-winning
apple brown betty recipe.

Of course, I stole
it from betty.

Oh, I'm being silly.

The point is...

I still remember running
into my parents' bedroom,

And saying, "oh,
edna stole my recipe,"

And hearing them say,

"Not now, beverly ann,

"We've told you never
to come into this room

Without knocking."

The point is...

I thought that was the point.

This is a two-part point.

The other one is,
edna turned out fine,

So let's not assume

That andy's destined
for a life of crime

Just because of one
duplicitous act of thievery.

You know, that made sense.

It did, didn't it?

Ooh, I'm getting a chill.

Well, put on a sweater.

Because there's plenty
more where that came from.

Andy, come clean!

Come in!

Come in.

I brought my grandma polly.

This is tootie. Hi.

Beverly ann, natalie...

I'm beverly. Won't you come in?

Sit down.

Oh, I'm so glad to
know all of you.

Andy tells me

There's a wee bit of a problem

Concerning theft.

Now, I'm not gonna make
a big deal out of this

As long as he makes
full restitution

And issues a formal letter of
apology to desperate confessions.

Which I'll be glad
to help him write.

Now, I know this looks bad,

But... Andy's an honest boy.

I remember when
he was 3 years old.

I told him not to
play in the dirt.

And he came in one day
all covered with mud.

And I said,

"Andy, have you been
playing in the dirt?"

He said, "no, grandma polly,

I've been playing in the mud."

So you see, he's a good boy.

He's not only
good, he's literal.

Look, the bottom line here is
that natalie's been ripped off,

And we think andy
knows something about it.

Girls, maybe it would be better

For us to talk this out

Guardian to guardian.

Now, grandma polly...
May I call you polly?

Of course.

Or you can call me desiree.

Oh!

Desiree!

What a lovely name.

You're desiree?

This year.

Of course, I've
also used camille

And phoebe and zane,

But I think I'm going
to stick with desiree.

It's brought me luck.

It's the first story I've sold

In over 50 years of trying.

Well, congratulations, grandma.

You must be so proud.

Tootie, she stole my story!

Let me rephrase that.

Woman, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself!

I agree.

Natalie worked very
hard on that story.

I assume.

I didn't steal her story.

So you think it's
just a coincidence

That the first story you sold

Was almost exactly like
the one natalie wrote?

Oh, no.

Mine was nothing like hers.

Then you admit
reading her story.

Oh, yes.

I looked forward to reading
a page of it every night.

It helped put me to sleep.

Hold me back.

Do you actually think

That roxanne's august of passion

Is the same as barbara's
downtrodden summer?

Downbeat.

Aside from part of the title,

Is there anything else
you remember of her story?

Grandma's memory just
isn't what it used to be.

And it used to be terrible.

I recall passages like,

"She went outside. It was hot.

She complained."

I mean, now really, dear.

Okay. So I'm a little
on the side minimalist.

That doesn't give you the right
to throw in some adjectives

And call the story your own.

I did more than that.

I reworked it so it's a
completely different piece.

I'll say it's
different! It's worse!

So then why am the
one they paid the $500 to?

I'll tel you why... $500?

Hold me back again.

Now, let's not turn
this into a brouhaha.

Ha ha ha.

Beverly ann, it's too late.

The next time you hear
from me, grandma polly,

It will be through my lawyer.

The wheels of justice
have already been greased.

Now is that bad writing or what?

Come on, andy.

Let's go spend some of our $500.

$500 Isn't what it used to be.

Yeah, it used to be mine!

Jack was afraid you wouldn't
have enough evidence,

But you've got a lot of paper.

Paper, george, paper?

This isn't just paper.

It's four drafts of a story

That's been gnawing
at me for years.

Four drafts for a
little short story?

Doesn't it ever
take you four times

To hang doors right?

On a good day.

All right, I'll guard
this with my life.

That's a figure of
speech, you understand.

Hey, george. Good morning.

Natalie, I thought you had
the early shift at the cannery.

Gathering evidence is more
important than scaling smelt.

Oh, I'm glad you're all here.

I have an announcement to make.

This friday evening I'm
giving a recital of songs

From the mississippi chain gangs

Arranged for the piano.

I hope you all attend.

Natalie, I think you should know

We've all been
doing some talking,

And we think you should
reconsider this lawsuit.

Now, we have reasons for this.

Some of them good,

Some of them jo and tootie's.

Blair, the woman
is a plagiarist.

I know you see
her as a plagiarist,

But I can't help but see
her as a little old lady

With fading twinkle in her eye,

Grasping for one last
shred of recognition.

You're saying

There should be an
age limit to thievery?

Exactly.

Oh, I'm sorry, blair,

But I have to
disagree with you...

Which I'm sure
you'll get used to.

Just because you're old
enough to ride the bus for a dime

Doesn't mean you can also steal
someone's purse while you're on it.

Oh, that was nice.

Age isn't the issue here.

We're talking about
andy's grandma.

Just because a relative
gets on the bus for a dime,

Doesn't mean she can
steal someone's purse

While she's on it.

Eh.

I don't care who
she's related to.

She's a neighbor.

And if people start
suing their neighbors,

Then pretty soon,
they'll get the reputation

Of being neighborhood suers.

Let me get this straight.

You guys are deserting me?

No. No. We'd never do that,

But what harm did she really do?

Oh, yeah, what's the big deal?

All you do when you write,

Is pour your
emotions out on a page

For everyone to see.

Who cares if someone
takes my words

A rearranges them
like pieces of furniture

Then claims them for her own?

Am I crazy or has a
wrong been done to me?

Natalie, you're right!

Thank you.

Although that's not
the only issue here.

How many points is
this story gonna have?

Multiple.

Let me start with my world view.

Suing a person is kind of
like starting a little w*r.

I think I understand.

If gorbachev gets on a bus

And sits next to ronald reagan,

It doesn't give him the right

To steal his purse.

You got it.

Now, wait a minute.

Who am I in this,

Gorbachev, reagan, or the purse?

The bus driver!

Okay, I give up.

Why is natalie driving the bus?

Because she's the
one who has to decide

Which way to turn.

I got to go to school.

But natalie, whichever
way you decide to turn,

We're behind you.

Even if you do decide to sue

A helpless old grandmother.

And if you do,

I hope you make scads of money.

I don't care what they
say, I know I'm right.

And I'm gonna have
my day in court.

Hey, guys.

Hi, andy.

Got some great news.
Grandma wants natalie

To come by her
house today and talk.

She can talk to my lawyer.

Natalie, I'm really sorry.

I didn't know this
was gonna happen.

I only gave grandma your story

Because she's trying
so hard to be a writer.

And I thought it would
cheer her up to know

That someone else wasn't
having any luck either.

That's very thoughtful of you.

So will you just go talk to her?

Please?

Okay. Tell her
I'll be right over.

Great, thanks, natalie.
Bye, beverly ann.

Bye, andy.

This is more like it.

The woman's finally
gonna admit she's a thief

And give me what I deserve:

My credit, my money,
and an apology.

And then I'm gonna give
her what she deserves.

Hold it, natalie.

She's making a peace offering,

And you're going to w*r.

After what she put me though,

I want to see her
squirm in her rocker!

Calm down, natalie.

It's important that you
listen to what she has to say

With an open mind.

It's probably be difficult

For her to face you.

So just make it as
easy on her as you can.

Okay. I'm fine.

I'm under control.

Beverly ann, I'm
not under control.

Will you come with
me to make sure

I don't go off the deep end.

You want me to go with you?

Yes. I'm a little more emotionally
involved than I thought.

You want me?

Oh, hello, won't you come in?

Oh.

What a charming house.

So full of
everything imaginable.

It's been in my
family for years.

My father was just
getting ready to move.

Then the w*r came along.

Which w*r?

World w*r i.

Then I grew up,

And my husband and
I decided to move.

And then world
w*r ii came along.

And when those yahoos
crossed the 39th parallel,

I said, "that's it.

Now, we're not gonna move
until they get this thing settled."

You know what they
say, real estate is hell.

Well, I love it here.

I have a lot of friends.

I invite people into my home

As though they
were my own family.

Don't touch that!

I'm sorry.

I... I just...

Your little
miniatures are so cute.

Well, I didn't mean
to snap at you, but...

Well, it took me hours
to arrange these things

Just exactly the
way I want them.

I don't let anyone touch them.

Well, I'll just admire
them from over here.

In fact, I'll wait
till I get home.

Why don't you sit down?

I'm brewing some tea.

Oh.

Andy said you wanted to talk
about our little disagreement.

Yes, that's right.

I... I think it's unfortunate

That this little incident
has gone on as long as it has.

I couldn't agree with you more.

And I'm ready to listen to
whatever you have to say.

Well, I thought about
my name on that story,

And I thought about
the $500 they gave me,

And then I thought about
the contras in nicaragua,

And I decided not to move.

And i, i... Uh, what I
wanted to say was,

Um... That story is really mine.

And if you want to claim it,

You're gonna to have
to sue my doilies off.

Tea?

Excuse me, but is this
a negotiating ploy,

Or do you actually
believe what you're saying?

Now, natalie, don't
go off the deep end.

I'll handle this.

We're calling
your bluff, granny,

So can the poker
face, and start talking.

Well, I thought I
covered about everything.

I could say it
louder, if you'd like.

Or in spanish. I'm
bilingual, you know?

Confesse que usted ripped off

La historia de natalie.

Si no, yo voy a ver usted

Squirm in your rocker.

It's okay, beverly ann.

I think you've calmed
me down enough.

Polly, I'm not gonna sue you,

And I'm not gonna tell you why

'Cause you wouldn't understand.

We're leaving.

We're back and I'm
going to tell you why.

I'm not gonna sue you,

But it's not because you're old.

Yeah, you're not that old.

It's not because you
live in our neighborhood

You don't live that close.

And it's not because
you're andy's grandmother.

Yeah. Let's see some i.d.

Then why aren't you
gonna sue me, dear?

Because this only
thing has turned me

Into someone I don't like.

I've become so obsessed,
I can't think straight.

I've become
suspicious, paranoid...

Grumpy.

You have.

And for what?
Nobody's dead here.

Nobody's been hurt.

All we're fighting for
is some satisfaction.

I don't need some
court to give me that.

Sometimes it's enough
to know you're right.

You don't always
have to prove it.

At least I know that when
my first story is published...

Correction, my
second... It will be my own.

Come on, beverly ann.

I'm right behind you, natalie.