06x05 - Dream Date

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



"And then Mr. Reagan said...

"Oh, look, Mommy,

"it's Secretary of State...

it's Secretary of State
George Schultz."

Boy, Andrew, this
Love Republicans pop-up book

was the best purchase
I ever made.

Make Nancy wave again.

(raspy voice):
"Hi."

Thanks for carrying
my books home, Simon.

I'd carry these books
to the ends of the earth

for you, my dearest.

The counter will be fine.

Jennifer, I've been...

Who's the guy?

That's my brother.

Hi.

(quietly):
Don't encourage him, Alex.

Simon, it was really nice of you
to carry my books home and all,

but I really think
you should be going now.

Jennifer, I've been
in love with you

ever since I spotted you
across the crowded auditorium

during that school bus
safety assembly.

Yes, that was a powerful moment.

Tell me you love me.

Yuck! I can't take this.

We can't keep
going on like this.

I mean, you're just not my type.

It's because
I'm a nerd, isn't it?

Yes.

Maybe this would
change your mind.

Diamonds.

(chuckles):
Go for it. Go for it.

Simon, you shouldn't
have done that.

No, no, it's okay,
my mother won't miss them.

Simon, I'm not going to accept
your mother's earrings!

How about her brooch.

Simon, forget it!

Will you go with me
to the sophomore dance?

Simon, I said no, all right?

SIMON:
I-I'm not leaving until you

- give me at least a maybe.
- Okay, maybe.

- Really?
- No!

Please, please, please?

Don't make me beg.

All right... maybe.

Boy, Simon, this is about
as much fun as a bloodletting.

I am one step closer
to paradise.

Until later, my love.

Geez, Jen, you know,
you really shouldn't

lead the guy on like that.

Come on, give him a break,

will you?
Go to the dance with him.

Alex, he's a nerd.

It's true... but he's
a nerd bearing gifts.

Who's that guy I saw
skipping across the front lawn?

Oh, that was Simon.

A young gentleman suitor

that I think Jennifer
should consider going out with.

Alex, he's a nerd.

He gave her diamond earrings.

He did have a certain charm.

I don't need
this kind of pressure.

I mean, being in high school
by itself is hard enough.

Oh, stop!

What is so hard
about high school?

High school wasn't
that hard for me.

Yeah, but she actually goes
into the classroom.

I can't believe the social
pressures in high school.

I mean, it's not enough
just to be smart anymore.

Now you have to worry
about what you wear,

who you hang out with,
who you date.

That's what I loved
about high school...

your outward appearance
is everything.

Boy, oh, boy, the streets
are getting dangerous.

We almost got plowed down
by this kid

skipping down
the middle of the street.

Oh, that's Simon.

Yeah, it's
Jennifer's new boyfriend.

- STEVEN: Oh!
- He is not my boyfriend.

I don't even like him.

He likes Jen.
He offered her diamond earrings.

Boy, things have sure changed
since I was in high school.

Actually, there is this boy
I kind of like in high school.

His name is Roger,
he's a sophomore,

and a total, unmitigated hunk.

(sighs passionately)

Really?
Have you talked with him?

- Actually, he talked to me.
- (gasps)

He's gonna be at the sophomore
dance on Friday night.

Are you gonna go?

I can't.
I'm not a sophomore.

I'll probably have to go
to the dumb freshman dance.

What's wrong with that?

You are a freshman, aren't you?

Dad, you can't go
to your own class dance.

That's so embarrassing.

Oh, of... course, I forgot.

Why not?

Because it's just not done,
that's all.

I mean, girls have to aspire
to something bigger

than their own class dance.

The freshman girls go
to the sophomore dance,

the sophomores go
to the junior dance,

the juniors go
to the senior dance,

and the seniors, well, they
hang out at the Jack in the Box.

- MALLORY: Hi, Jen.
- Hi.

What's the matter?
You look kind of down.

Mallory, the sophomore dance
is only two days away,

and no one's asked me to go yet.

I've got to go.

I just have to.

Roger's gonna be there.

He smiled near me today.

How close?

Eight lockers away.

That's meaningful.

There's nothing like
a smile from a hunk.

I know. It's even better than

when you walk
into your classroom

and you see
a movie projector set up.

Yeah. Right.

I've got to go, Mal.

Well, look, you could crash it.

I'd be too scared to.

You could go with Simon.

Yeah, but then I'd have to ditch
him right when I got there.

- I just couldn't do that.
- Yeah, I guess not.

What? What? Couldn't do what?

This is not your area, Alex.

Hey, how do you know?

Because it involves feelings,
thought and emotions

of a nonmonetary nature.

Yeah, you're right.

Jen, I know how important
this is to you, right?

So I'm gonna go upstairs,
put my mind to it,

and I won't come back
until I have an answer.

We're never gonna see her again.

What's the problem?

Don't tell me...
teen problems, right?

You need braces.

Not exactly.

You, uh... want
a phone in your room.

No.

Need your ears pierced?

No.

Well, you haven't got
any teen problems.

Alex, there's this guy
at school... Roger.

Whenever I see him
in the hallway,

I get this kind of
light feeling in my stomach.

Do you ever get that way?

It's kind of an excitement
bordering on nausea?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Whenever I hear the words
"tax-free."

I don't know what happens to me.

I-I get so... I get nervous,

I freeze up.

I can't even speak.

I know the feeling,
I'm telling you.

If Roger were tax-free,
we'd both be deeply in love.

But Roger doesn't
even know I'm alive.

Meanwhile,
Simon won't stop bugging me

to go to the dance with him.

Oh, hey, I like that Simon.

I'm telling you, he compensates
for his complete lack

of coordination,
poise and social grace

with expensive gifts.

Got to love the guy.

Alex, do you think it's okay
to manipulate...

Absolutely.

I didn't finish my question yet.

Jen, it doesn't matter.

As a general rule,

manipulation is
a great way to go.

But what if it
might hurt a person?

If you do it right,
nobody gets hurt.

All right, I'll give you
an example, okay?

Santa Claus.

Right? Nice guy, right?

He's cute, yeah.

Now, there he is
every Christmas,

whipping toys down chimneys...

every kid's dream.

Now, he thinks he's doing it

to make all the little
boys and girls happy.

What he doesn't realize...

is that he's just a sales rep...

for Mattel.

What are you
talking about, Alex?

He's a pawn!

He's a pawn
for the big toy conglomerates.

He's a big, chubby,
ruddy-faced pawn.

I don't get it.

Jen, Santa is being
completely manipulated

by the toy companies.

But-but-but he's, you know,
flying around with his reindeer,

he's chuggin' eggnog,

he's having the yuletide
time of his life.

There's only one small flaw
in your theory, Alex.

(chuckles)

Yeah? What's that, Jen?

Santa Claus doesn't exist.

(laughs)

(laughs weakly)

(trembling):
What are you talking about?

Santa Claus... he doesn't exist.

You know, I hate
when people say that.

I'm sorry, Alex.
I thought you knew.

That's all right,
that's all right.

I try to give a little pep talk
in favor of manipulation,

and I get my feelings crushed.

It'll work, Jen, okay?
Just trust me.

Hello. Simon.

This is Jennifer.

Okay, I'll go
to the dance with you.

Hello, Simon?

Are you okay?

Hey, honey, what do you have?

Oh, nothing much.
Just a dress.

I borrowed it
from my friend Jane.

Jennifer, let me see this.

Jennifer, this is
not just a dress,

this is a Jocometti original

in an iridescent
emerald green cloqué

from the Rive Gauche
Resort Collection, circa .

Mal, how is it humanly possible

for you to have
all that in your head

and nothing else?

Jennifer, what is this for?

Nothing much... this, that;
I'll wear it around the house,

maybe to the sophomore dance.

Oh, you're going!

That's great.
Who's the lucky boy?

Oh, um... no one you know.

ELYSE:
Uh, what's his name?

Anthony Quinn.

Yeah.

Zorba?

Isn't he a little old for you?

All right, it's Simon.

Si... well, I-I thought
you didn't like Simon.

I kind of don't.

Then why are you going with him?

Because Alex told me to.

ALEX:
Oh...

Now, wait a minute
Wait a minute.

Don't blame me.

I'd rather you'd go for Zorba.

All right! I'm going with Simon

because I want to go
to the sophomore dance,

and that's the only way
I can get in.

Besides, once I'm there,
anything can happen.

I might bump into Roger.

Oh, Jen,
I'm-I'm really surprised at you!

I mean, you-you must realize
what you're doing.

You're just using Simon
to get to Roger.

Look, this isn't
as one-sided as it seems.

If I go out with Simon,
he'll be happy.

He'll stop bugging me,

calling me all the time,
coming over.

Besides, it's not
that big of a deal.

Simon doesn't care
about me that much anyway.

ELYSE:
It's just...

Oh, no?

Simon!
What are you doing?

Oh, I just wanted to say that...

Who's the guy?

That's my father.

- How do you do, Mr. Keaton?
- Fine.

It is such a thrill.

Mm-hmm.

What, um?

Oh... don't worry
about that, sir.

It's not what it looks like.

I mean, it is a cake.

It's all they had left
at the bakery.

That's a relief.

I always believed that I would
meet a girl like you one day.

A girl who saw past
what everyone else saw

and really liked me.

Really liked the me in me.

Congratulations
on being that girl, Jennifer.

- But Simon, I...
- Shh.

Not another word, my sweet.

I just want you to know

that if I die
at this very moment,

I will die happy.

Oh!

You still happy?

(gasps) A little dizzy,
but still happy.

All right, Andrew, you're really
coming along with your reading.

Very proud of you.

Thanks. I owe it all to you.

Well, let's not get mushy.

Okay. What is this word
right here?

- "Impeach."
- (quietly): Good.

Isn't that sweet?

It really is.

You know, sometimes I think
we're too harsh on Alex.

He-he's not just a callous,
arch-conservative Republican.

You know, sometimes,

he can be a-a warm,
loving son and brother.

Okay, now read this one
with me, okay?

BOTH:
"I... am... not... a... crook."

Hey! Hey! Hey! What?

Whatever happened
to books like, uh,

The Little Engine that Could,
or The Cat in the Hat,

or The Grinch
that Stole Christmas? This...

Come on, Dad,
this is real reading!

Besides, those other books...
they scare kids.

Give 'em nightmares.

I mean, what's scarier...
the Grinch,

or, uh, or-or a little
pop-up Richard Nixon?

It's hard to say.
They look so much alike.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

Hi, Simon.

Hi.

Oh, my, my!

Aren't you...
aren't you dapper?

Yeah. It's a rental.

Oh.

Ajax Rent-A-Tux.

Yeah. How'd you know?

Well, you've got the bill pinned
to your back.

Yeah.

So-so, you... you've also rented
shoes, socks and glasses.

Oh, nothing's too good for
your little girl, Mrs. Keaton.

- Oh, hey, follow me.
- Yeah.

STEVEN:
What?

I want everyone to see my latest
gift to my beloved Jennifer.

- Look up there.
- What? - What is it?

It's a love message
in skywriting.

"Happy... birthday...

Juanita."

- I got a deal.
- That's nice.

STEVEN:
It's lovely.

It's muy bueno.
Muy bueno.

You know, Simon,
I like your style.

You're really starting
to grow on me.

And I'm really worried about it.

SIMON:
Ah.

Jennifer's wearing
a Jocometti original

in an iridescent
emerald green cloqué

from the Rive Gauche
Resort Collection,

circa , borrowed from Jane.

ALEX:
Yeah...

Well, Simon, what do you think?

There. That's better.

ALEX:
Whoa! Look out! I'll catch...

- Simon.
- Come on, buddy. - Come on.

(slow dance music playing)

Do you want to dance?

No. Why would I want to dance?

I don't know.

I mean, it is called
the sophomore dance,

not the sophomore stand-around.

(upbeat pop music plays)

- Oh, hi, Jen.
- Hi, Nancy.

Jen, this is Brad Hallahan,
my date.

- Hi, Brad.
Nice to meet you. - Hi.

This is Simon.
What's your last name?

Wickerson. Simon Wickerson.

Simon Wickerson?

Don't I know you?

Didn't I b*at you up last week?

I don't think so.

But I could pencil you in
for next Wednesday, if you like.

Now, are you sure?

I'd never forget a face
like that.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

It's all right.
If you're sure.

Yeah, well, see you later,
Jen, Simon.

JENNIFER:
Bye.

So, then, we're on
for next Wednesday, right?

(gasps)

It's him! It's him!

Who him?

- Let's dance.
- But you just said...

(Simon grunts)

Hey! Hey!

Yeah!

Hi! Hi.

Do I know you?

I've seen you around.

Hey, who's your date?

No one. Uh, he must have
stepped out for a minute.

- (Simon clears his throat)
- I...

I'll introduce you
when he comes back.

Jennifer.

This is your date?

Hey, didn't I b*at you up
last week?

Yeah, you did,
as a matter of fact.

Yeah, yeah, I really enjoyed it.

Are you free on Wednesday?

No, no, I'm all booked up
on Wednesday.

Oh, but perhaps I could fit you
in after the holidays.

He's not really my date.

I mean, I'm... available,

if you'd like
to dance or something.

What makes you think
I'd want to dance with you?

Come on, Roger.
What are you doing

hanging around these dorks?

Dorks? Hey, wait a minute.

There's only one dork here.
That's me.

This is Jennifer Keaton.

She is once, twice,
three times a lady.

Wait a minute...
didn't I b*at you up last week?

You did, as a matter of fact.

You know, you two could get
the group rate if you wanted.

Come on, Roger, let's dance.

I don't get it, Jennifer.
Why did you say that?

Why did you say
I wasn't your date?

Simon, I only came here with you

so I could get into
the sophomore dance.

(Jennifer sighs)

You mean, you-you just used me
for my s-sophomoreness?

I thought you were different
than all the others, Jennifer.

I thought you were smarter.

Well, you're not.

Boy, will you be sorry
when I grow into my looks.

Okay, big fella,
time to go to sleep.

I don't want to go to sleep.

Well, everybody in the
White House is going to sleep.

Oh, no, they're not.

Oh, no? Listen to this.

(imitating Ronald Reagan):
Well, Nancy...

I'm really sleepy
after a long day

of punishing naughty Democrats.

Good night, Nancy.

Good night, Admiral Poindexter.

Good night, Ollie.

And so ends another night
of Toddler Republican Theater.

It's way past
your bedtime, Andy.

- It's awfully late.
- Yeah.

I know.

I stayed awake longer
than President Reagan.

Well, that's
no great feat, uh, Andy.

Come on, Andy.

I'll take you upstairs
and read you something normal.

I've got just the thing.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
you're not reading to him

from the Bloomingdale's
catalog again.

If anybody wants me,
I'll be upstairs

trying to piece together
the shattered fragments

of my tragic
high school existence.

What happened?

It was a complete disaster, Dad.

Simon found out
that I only went with him

to the sophomore dance
to meet up with Roger.

And to top that off,
Roger was horrible to me.

He was mean.
He was rude.

He treated me like...

Like, uh...
like you treated Simon.

I hate to say this
when you're...

when you're already hurting,
honey,

but what you did wasn't right.

I-I... I think you know that.

I don't know what happened.

Somehow, Simon's feelings
didn't seem important.

It was almost like I didn't
think he had feelings.

He really
cares about you, honey.

I know.

I don't know
how I didn't see that.

It was hard to miss.

The skywriting was
a sure tip-off.

I feel so terrible.

I mean, even after I was mean
to Simon, he stood up for me.

I don't think I can ever
look him in the eye again.

Did you at least have a chance
to apologize to him?

I tried, but he ran off so fast,
I couldn't catch him.

(knocking on door)

Oh, well, honey,
now is your chance.

If you want to talk later,
we'll be upstairs, huh?

ELYSE (quietly):
Yeah.

Hi, Jen.

Hi, Simon. Come on in.

I don't have long.

The tux has
to be back by midnight.

It's only rented
for three hours.

I looked all over for you.

Where'd you go?

I went across
to the freshman dance.

There was no one there.

So I danced with Miss Polniki,
the school nutritionist.

Look, Simon, I'm really sorry
what happened tonight.

I shouldn't have done
what I did.

It was mean.

But believe me, I got a big dose
of mean right back.

Could you ever forgive me?

Yes.

Really?

Yes. I forgive you.

I see you for what you are.

Not what you were at the dance,
but what you are right now.

Know why?

Because I am highly evolved.

So, then,
we can start over, right?

I mean, just as friends.

It would be a lot cheaper.

See, I had a great time tonight.

I got to be seen
at the dance with you.

It did a world of good
for my prestige.

And it was a real honor for me.

Believe me, Simon,
the honor was all mine.

You are one of the sweetest,

nicest guys
I'll ever go out with.

Hey, how'd you like
an ankle bracelet?

It's my Mom's, but I think
I can get it off her leg.

She's a heavy sleeper.

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)