06x08 - Invasion of the Psychologist Snatchers

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪

Hey, Andy and I
are going out for a walk.

You want to come, Jen?

Oh, no, thanks, Dad.
I've got this paper to write,

and it's going kind of slow.

Oh, maybe I could help.

I don't think so, Dad.

I see. You think that now
you're in high school

your homework's getting
a little too complex

for your old,
intellectually washed-up dad.

(chuckles)

Well, it's just that you go
completely overboard

in these situations.

It's like the time
when you tried to help me

with that book report
on Huck Finn,

and we had to write it on a raft
floating down the Mississippi.

Well, what's so terrible
about a parent

trying to get involved
with his children's education?

After all, I help Andy
with his homework.

I always redo it
after you leave.

Jen, I'll tell you what.

I'll only help you
if your paper's

in an area of my expertise.

All right, Dad.
I'm writing a paper

for my introduction
to philosophy class

on the existentialist
perspective

of Søren Kierkegaard.

Søren Kierkegaard?

Sørie?

Who's Kierkegaard?

He was a Swedish philosopher,
Andy.

He was a Danish
philosopher, Dad.

T-Technically he was Danish.

But he had an apartment
in Sweden.

Lauren, Lauren, come on,
come on, let me take that.

Alex, it's one bag.
I can carry it.

Hey, listen, the woman I love

is not gonna be lugging
around a heavy grocery bag.

Yo, Alex!

Sorry, sorry.
Forgot you were out there.

ELYSE:
It's all right.

I'm used to it. The minute
we walked into the market,

I knew you two
were in your own world.

Lauren, I still
can't believe it.

After three months of going out,
you still seem to like Alex.

Have you ever taken
a really good look at him?

Oh, my God!

You're right.

Hey, hey.

Of course she likes me.

I'm cute, I'm intelligent,

and I have unlimited
earning potential.

I know that's
what attracted me to you.

I think you guys
make a cute couple.

I just never want
to go shopping with you again.

- (phone rings)
- Oh, I've got it!

Hello.

Um, yeah. Yes.

Hold on a second.

- Uh, Lauren, it's for you.
- For me?

I thought from the ring
it would be for me, but...

Hello.

Eric, what a surprise!

How'd you get the number here?

Oh, I see.

Oh, I'm fine, fine.
How are you doing?

Oh, that's great!

Yeah, well, I don't know. Um...

Yeah, I'll have
to think about it.

Yeah, I will.
(chuckles)

Good hearing from you, too.

Bye-bye.

That was Eric Matthews.

Uh, Eric Matthews. Why does
that name sound familiar?

He's the guy that I
went out with before I met you.

Yeah, that's it.

Well, he's coming in
from New York tomorrow night,

and he wants to know
about dinner.

Oh, well, geez, uh,
I'm busy tomorrow night.

I think he meant me.

Oh, of course. Oh, you!

Oh, you-you should go.

Are you sure
it wouldn't bother you?

No! No, absolu...
Look, he's come all this way.

You know, uh, I think
it would be a nice gesture.

Alex, that's so sensitive
of you.

I-I thought you'd be threatened
by something like this.

Hey... What, are you kidding?

Come on, you should know me
better than that.

Now, let's just put the rest
of this stuff away, okay?

We'll go in,
we'll have a nice dinner.

Afterwards, we'll get married.

Alex, sit down.

I'll make you some tea.

Oh, uh, no, listen.

Uh, uh, I'm going to get going
'cause I don't want

to be here when, uh...
when Eric gets here.

Alex, you don't have to leave
just 'cause Eric's showing up.

Well, I know.

I know, but, uh, you two

probably have a lot
of catching up to do.

You know, I'd just be
in the way.

So you go out
and have a nice dinner.

You're n-not going to go out
like that, are you?

You know, dressed up.

Alex, this is just a sweater.

I know. I know. It's just...
it's just such a fancy one.

I mean...

I mean, you're just going out
for dinner, right?

You're not going to meet
the queen afterwards.

Alex, if you're nervous
about this, I'll call it off.

No, I-I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

Okay, you sure?

- Positive.
- All right.

- (knocking)
- Okay.

Eric.

Lauren.

Oh, you look terrific.

Your hair's a little shorter.
I like it.

Oh, thank you.

You look terrific, too.

Your hair's a little longer.

Well, thanks.
Nice of you to notice.

Mine's exactly the same.

I'm sorry.

Eric, I'd like you
to meet Alex Keaton.

It's a pleasure meeting you,
Alex.

Yeah, pleasure meeting you,
too, Eric.

(Alex clears throat)

You're a little early.

I wasn't expecting you
for another hour.

Oh, you know me.

I'm always a little early.

Can't help it.

I think it's important
to be punctual.

Don't have to tell me.

I'm, uh... I'm...

I'm here for a date next week.

Why don't I call the restaurant

and see if they can
take us earlier?

- Good idea.
- Okay. I'll be right back.

Right.

(whistles, chuckles)

So you and Lauren met
over at Leland.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

She was, uh... she was
doing a psychology experiment

on, uh, overachievers,
so I applied.

I'm in the economics department
myself.

My old stomping grounds.

How's Professor Carpenter doing?

Great. I had him for micro
this past semester.

He's a tough old guy, isn't he?

Ooh, you bet. I was, uh...

I was lucky to squeeze
a B-plus out of him.

I mean, I deserved more,

but-but-but he's got
this crazy rule

against giving A's.

Really?

He must have started that rule
after I left.

He, uh... he-he gave you an A?

A-plus.

Well, well, he ma...

he made up
for the low grade, actually.

He, uh... he recommended me
for the Wilson scholarship.

Oh, congratulations.

I won that, too.

Well, I-I, uh...

I also won the Burke scholarship

and the Harrison scholarship,
the Matthews scholarship.

I received all those
except the Matthews.

Oh, well, can't win them all.

Especially not that one.

It's named after me.



Did I mention
my miniature golf trophy?

Look, uh, Alex...

It's sort of pointless
for us to sit here

comparing grades and awards.

I mean, we might as well
just exchange résumés.

(chuckling)

Right, right.

(Alex sniffs, sighs)

This is amazing.

This is incredible.

I-I mean, Lauren-Lauren told me
you worked on Wall Street.

I had no idea it was
at Dunn and Bradley.

Dunn and Bradley.

That-that's the most prestigious
banking investment firm

in the world.

Isn't it?

What is it like to work there?

Oh, it's so magical.

It's hard to describe.

You know that feeling you had
when you were a kid

and your parents
would take you to the bank?

You'd dream about getting naked
and leaping into the vault?

Know it?

I actually did it.

The only downside is

that there's not much time

for a personal life.

And even with all the success
and all the money,

when I get home
to my empty apartment,

I feel like there's
something missing from my life.

Maybe you need a dog.

Okay, ready to go?

- Yeah, okay.
- Okay.

(chuckling):
Oh, I'm sorry.

You meant you two.

Okay, well, uh,

I'll meet you outside
when you're ready.

I'm across the street
in the black Porsche.

Nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you, Eric.

(whispering):
He's got a Porsche.

Hey, do you guys have a minute?

I need your help on something.

- Yeah. What's up?
- Well, I-I've been up in my room

trying to figure out
what is attractive about me.

So far, a normal evening.

Anyway, I've-I've come up
with a... with a partial list

of-of some of my good points,

and, uh...

Now, here's where I need
your help.

Carrying the list?

No, no, no, no,
I mean, uh, filling it in.

Rounding it out. You know,
making sure I haven't...

haven't forgotten anything.

I, uh... I think it's fun
for the whole family.

Wait a minute, Alex, you...
you have a list here

of your good points
and Eric's good points.

Who's Eric?

Uh, my imaginary friend.

Uh, your imaginary friend
has a Porsche?

It's an imaginary Porsche.

He also has a job
on Wall Street,

an apartment in Manhattan,

and he went out
with Lauren for a year.

Well, that's how we met.

Uh... uh, Lauren introduced us

at a... at a...
an imaginary, uh,

real person, uh, get-together.

Which group were you with?

All right, Eric is, uh...
Eric's Lauren's old boyfriend.

He's back in town,
and they went out

for dinner tonight.

(gasps)

You let them go?

(gasps)

I let them go.

What's so amazing about that?

Well, I just know
that I'd be very nervous

if one of Nick's old girlfriends
came to visit him.

We'd all be nervous, Mal.

It would mean
there had been a break-out

at the women's detention center.

Uh, did you meet, uh, Eric?

Uh, briefly, briefly.
We, uh... we exchanged résumés.

Ah.

I guess a handshake
seemed too obvious.

I'm telling you, Dad,
this guy is impressive.

It's the first time I've ever
been in a room with someone

that I didn't feel complete
intellectual superiority over.

Thanks very much.

Mom, you know what I mean.

I mean, this guy,
when you compare our résumés,

he tops me in every category.

Alex,

you have something
that Eric doesn't have.

Lauren's love.

That's not something
that can be put on a résumé.

No, Dad,
he's got that down here.

I-I must be missing something.

There-there must be
some good points that I have

that Eric doesn't have.

So that's why
I need your help, okay?

I-I-I want to know
what you like about Alex Keaton.

Huh? Who want... who wants
to get the ball rolling?

- Uh...
- I...

Well...

- Mal? Mally? Huh?
- Huh?

I-I don't know.
It's so hard, Alex.

Can I get back to you?

Come on, you know?

This is real important
to me now.

My-my whole relationship with
Lauren could be at stake here.

(sighs) All right,
just give me a minute.

Uh... you... (sighs)

Um... uh...

Forget it, Mal. I don't want you
to hurt yourself.

I don't know, Dad.
I have to disagree with you.

Kierkegaard felt
that all knowledge

must be self-knowledge.

I think you're wrong, Jen.

He was also concerned with
the larger societal problems.

Dad, you're missing the point
completely.

Oh, am I?

Kierkegaard believed
that examining man's existence

within a larger framework of a
societal historical dialectic

was an avoidance of subjective
knowledge so essential

to comprehending any type
of spiritual truth.

Jennifer, go to your room.

That's a great argument, Dad.

What do you think Kierkegaard
would have said to that?

Who cares?
He didn't have any kids.

STEVEN:
Alex.

Hey, I thought you said you were
gonna turn in early tonight.

Oh, yeah, I was, I was.

Just, uh... just came down
to get a snack.

You seem a little distracted.

Oh, no. No, no, I'm fine, fine.

All right.
Enjoy your Brillo pad.

Hello. Hi, Stacey.

Yeah. Is Lauren back yet?

No.

Yeah, yes, I know.
I know she went out with Eric.

Yes, I know he has a Porsche.

No message. No... no message.

Hi. Yeah, Columbus...
Columbus Grill?

Um, yeah, is the Matthews party
still there?

I see. They left two hours ago?

Yes, I know he drives a Porsche.

(knocking)

(whispers):
Hey.

Hey.

Lauren.

Sweetheart.

Lauren.

Hey, honey bear.

Sweetheart.

Hey, Lauren.

(both scream)

Alex, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here?
What am I doing here?

I live here, buddy.

No, you don't.

No, I don't.

But I live very nearby.

What the hell
are you doing here?

Look, Alex...

I think I know what you're
thinking, and you're wrong.

Oh, really, Eric?
Well, let me tell you something.

I may not be one of your slick,
fast-talking, money-mongering,

underhanded Dunn and Bradley
friends...

although I hope to be one
one day...

but I am not that gullible.

Alex, listen to me.

On the way home
from dinner tonight,

my car broke down
in the middle of nowhere.

We had to walk two miles
to a gas station,

get a tow truck,
and then get a cab back here.

By that time, it was after : ,
I didn't have a place to stay,

so Lauren told me
I could sleep in her room.

She's down the hall
in Michelle's room.

You expect me to believe
that your brand-new

$ , Porsche just
conveniently broke down tonight.

Actually, it was closer
to $ , .

Well, that's a very tough story
to swallow, Eric.

Well, that includes dealer
shipping and handling charges.

Look, I'm talking
about what happened

with you and Lauren tonight.

Now, believe it or not,
some things in life

are more important
than money and finance charges.

(chuckles)
You don't believe that.

Well, uh, normally, I don't,
normally, I don't.

But... but in this case, Eric,
there definitely is something

that's more important to me
than money.

Come on, Alex, nothing matters
more than money.

I mean, let's be honest.

That's what separates guys
like us from everybody else.

Look, that's not the point.

Come on, Alex, we've known it
since we were kids.

Remember the first time
you saw a dollar sign?

April , .

My first time, I was coming home
from kindergarten.

I was with a couple
of my other friends.

We passed a bank,
and there it was in the window.

- The other guys know
what it was? - No.

They just thought
it was a big "S"

with two vertical lines
through it.

To me, it was a symbol of life.

The other kids just went home
for milk and cookies.

I knelt.

I don't deny it, okay?
I love money.

But there is definitely
something in my life

that I love more... Lauren.

All right, Alex,
I'll be honest with you.

I did come back here
wondering if Lauren and I

could start
seeing each other again.

But from the minute
I picked her up,

all she did was talk about you.

I could see
she was really in love.

So I decided just to have
a good dinner,

enjoy driving my new car,
get a good night's sleep.

Instead, dinner was lousy
and overpriced,

my car's in the shop,
it's : in the morning,

and I'm wide awake.

What a bust this trip was.

I just hope I can write it off.

You'll be able to write it off.

After all,
we talked about business, right?

You could tell them
it was, uh...

it was a recruiting session
for Dunn and Bradley.

Hi, honey.

What is this?

Some overachiever pajama party?

I'm sorry, honey.
Did we wake you?

Alex, what are you doing here?

Oh, listen, uh,
I talked to Eric.

He explained everything.

Don't worry.

What is there to explain?

Why don't I just, uh,
step out for a minute?

Hey, hey, Lauren, listen,

I-I wasn't gonna
come over here.

It's just that I kept calling,
and you weren't home.

And-and the restaurant
said you left.

What?
You called the restaurant?

Alex, why?
Don't you trust me?

Of course I trust you.

You got a funny way
of showing it.

Hey, come on, Lauren!
Any other guy...

Alex, I don't care
about any other guy.

I care about you.

And our relationship.
And trust!

You know,
I can't believe you did this.

I'm really mad at you.

- (door slams)
- Lauren.

Lauren.

Hey, Dad.

Where were you, Alex?
It's : .

Oh, uh, just,
I was over at Lauren's.

What are you doing up?

Oh, just a little reading.

Existentialism for Dads.

Yeah.

There's one thing I can say
for Kierkegaard...

no matter how depressed you are,
he's more depressed.

In a strange way,
it's sort of a pick-me-up.

- Mind if I borrow
this book, Dad? - Sure, sure.

I recommend chapter eight:

"Existence is meaningless
and life is absurd,

so wipe that smile
off your face."

What a rotten night, Dad.

I-I was... I was going crazy
worrying about Lauren and Eric,

so I went over there
to see what was happening.

What was happening?

Nothing... until I got there.

And-and, uh, now Lauren
thinks I don't trust her.

I doubt she'll ever talk
to me again.

Look, Alex,
there are a lot of...

(knocking)

Let me just leave you
with a thought

from the immortal Kierkegaard:

(Danish accent):
"Women... can't live with them,

can't live without them."

- Hi.
- Hi.

Lauren, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Look, it's not all your fault.

I-I should have been more aware.

I knew that even though you
were trying to act gracefully,

deep down
it really bothered you.

That's the thing.

I knew that you would think

that deep down it...
it would bother me,

so... so I wanted
to go even deeper

and prove that you were wrong.

It just so happens that, uh,
I don't go that deep.

You go plenty deep, Alex.

Too deep sometimes...
you overanalyze everything.

I want you to have the best
of everything, you know?

And then, when I met Eric,

I just couldn't help but think
that maybe he was the best.

Alex, I don't love Eric.

Why not? I do.

The point I'm trying to make
is that I love you,

and you're just gonna have
to learn to accept that.

Maybe it might be a little
easier for me to accept that

if-if I knew why you love me.

What do you mean,
why do I love you?

Well, in order for a guy like me
to feel secure,

I-I have to know what it is
that you love about Alex Keaton.

It's a lot of things.

I can't just sit here
and name them.

Why not?

Because it just doesn't work
that way.

Can you tell me why you love me?

You're smart, you're beautiful,
you're warm, you're wise,

you're witty, you're sensitive,

you're kind to children
and old people,

you care about what's going on
in the world.

Boy, you're really good at this.

Yeah, better than you.
I'm...

At least you could give me

a token "you're a nice guy"
or something.

All right, Alex,
you want to know why I love you?

Yeah.

Because of
"The Banana Boat Song."

"The Banana Boat Song"?

(chuckles)
Yes. We were at one of those

economic department symposiums
you drag me to,

and some guy was droning on
for hours and hours

about the deficit
or the surplus or something.

I don't know.
It was excruciatingly boring.

Then, suddenly, when I thought

I just couldn't take it
for another minute,

you... you sang to me
"The Banana Boat Song."

(Alex chuckles)

♪ Day-o, Day-ay-ay-o ♪

♪ Daylight come
and me want to go home. ♪

That's why I love you.

You ever heard me do "Misty"?

Alex, it was the fact that in
the middle of this stuffy affair

with all your professors around,

you sang me
"The Banana Boat Song."

It didn't make any sense.
It was a complete contradiction.

It's what makes you
uniquely you.

All right. All right.

You can't come up
with anything concrete...

...that'll have to do.

Alex, this isn't something
you have to define.

You don't have to clarify.

It just is.
And it's wonderful!

(laughs) Sure, I could sit
around here all night

and rattle off great things
about you.

(both chuckle)

I got nowhere to go.

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)