06x14 & 06x15 - The American Family

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



As you all know, Lauren is doing
a paper on the American family.

And as you also may know,

she's chosen us
to be her case study.

So, I want you all
to answer the questions

to the best of your ability,
all right?

Um, Mom and Dad, uh, feel free

to refer
to any old photo albums.

Mallory may need
the aid of a thesaurus.

Or, if Nick comes by,
he may wish

to express himself
through cave paintings.

Any questions?

Yeah. Who said you can do
all the talking?

All right, all right.
Sorry.

All right, go ahead, honey.

Okay, are there any questions

before I get started
with my questions?

Ooh! Ooh! Yeah.

Uh, Miss Miller, uh,
you've picked us

- as the typical American family.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, does this mean you-you...
you find me to be typical?

Because, uh...
because I've always

kind of prided myself
on not being typical.

You know, not normal.

You've succeeded at that.

Okay, Mr. And Mrs. Keaton,
I'll start with you,

because, after all,
if it wasn't for the two of you,

this family
wouldn't even be here.

What does she mean by that?

Because they're
the mommy and daddy.

How did they get
to be the mommy and daddy?

They won a raffle.

Okay, when you first met,

uh, did it ever occur to you

that your life
would turn out this way?

I mean, was having a family
always the main goal?

Well, uh, when I met Elyse,
it was truly magical.

The first time
I laid eyes on her,

I knew we'd be together forever.

I swear, at that moment,
time and space did not exist.

Just us.

Is it any wonder
I find him so attractive?

(Steven chuckles)

How come you didn't inherit any
of your father's romantic side?

Hey, come... Me?
You're kidding.

I'm-I'm-I'm on the FBI's
ten most romantic list.

Violins play wherever I go.

Try leaving the room.

See if the music starts up.

Okay, so then, after the two
of you met and you fell in love,

did, uh, things go
as you hoped they would?

Would you say that your life
is the fulfillment

of a dream that the two of you
set out for yourselves?

But there were a lot
of surprises along the way.

Can you give me an example?

Well, when I found out
that I was pregnant with Andy,

that was a surprise.

A delightful surprise.

Hey, you okay?

Hmm? Oh, sure. I'm fine.

I just couldn't sleep,
I was so excited.

How are you two feeling?

Fine.

(high-pitched):
Fine. How are you?

I had a little trouble sleeping.

I, uh... I can't stop thinking.

About what?

I mean, about what specifically?

Elyse, I'm years old.

I'm, uh, about to become
a father again.

Last time I changed a diaper,
Richard Nixon was president.

I thought I'd seen
the last of both of them.

- You know what I keep realizing?
- What?

We're going to have to start
watching Sesame Street again,

Romper Room, Mr. Rogers.

I like Mr. Rogers.

Have to start going to the zoo.

Pony rides, birthday parties.

Sterilizing baby bottles.

Tripping over toys.

Before you know it, the
terrible twos will be upon us.

Remember when Alex used to run
around the house all the time

going, "Mine! Mine!"?

He never really outgrew that,
did he?

Seems like such a long time ago.

- You know, I've been doing
some calculations. - Hmm?

When the baby's ten, I'll be .

- When the baby's ,
I'll be . - Mmm.

When the baby's , I'll be .

's a little old
to have a baby, isn't it?

It won't be a baby when it's .

Yeah, I guess you're right.

When the baby's ,
Jennifer will be .

Steven, cut it out!

I'm sorry.
I'm just not used to the idea.

Neither am I.

It's a nice idea
to get used to, isn't it?

I wish the kids
were more excited.

Oh, they'll come around.

Who could not love
a beautiful newborn baby?

Besides, it gives us
someone else to pick on.

You know, uh,
there's one other thing

about this we haven't mentioned.

It's going to be
real expensive, huh?

I find this absolutely
the sexiest thing in the world.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Come on. Cut it out.

Don't you know
that's how you got

into trouble in the first place?

Alex, what are you doing up?

How am I supposed to sleep, Mom?

I'm about to become a brother
for the third time.

It's not going to happen
tonight, Alex.

It's not, is it, Elyse?

I can almost guarantee it.

What's in the package?

Oh, uh, it's, uh, something
I picked up for the little guy.

ELYSE:
Oh, it's so cute!

Yeah. Uh, pull the string.

TOY:
I love Alex.

Oh!

Isn't that sweet?

I love it!

Yeah. You know, I think

I need to get one
of these for myself.

This little toy reminds me
of when you were a baby.

Alex, do you remember that song

we used to sing to you
when you were little?

It was your favorite one,
and it always made you smile.

Yeah, yeah. Uh...
♪ We're in the money. ♪

ELYSE:
No.

Don't you remember?

It was, um...

♪ I'm a little teapot,
short and stout ♪

Mom, get a hold of yourself.

♪ Here is the handle,
here is the spout ♪

♪ When I get all steamed up,
hear me shout ♪

♪ Tip me over and pour me out. ♪

This is going to be
a long nine months.

We thought about having
a little brother or sister.

We decided that it could be
a lot of fun.

Yeah, the family needs
a little shaking up anyway.

(plays gentle melody)

Thank you, honey.
This is beautiful.

Look at it!

Well, it's getting pretty late.

I think we'd better call it
a night, huh?

- Oh, yeah.
- Come on.

STEVEN: It did seem
like a long nine months,

but when Andy was born,

it was an incredible thrill
for us all.

Especially Alex, it seemed.

Oh, you know, Steven,
he has your eyes.

STEVEN: Maybe those are my eyes,
but that is your nose.

- I'd know it anywhere.
- (Elyse laughs)

You're great, Elyse.

Oh, thank you, love.
Oh, so are you.

(knocking)

Can we come in?

We heard a baby.

Yeah, we thought
it might be yours.

Come on in.

Oh, wow.

It's a boy.

Thank you!

Oh! Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you! Ah!

Ah, yes,
that was a magical moment.

Yeah, it was fun for me, too.

What was it like
to all of a sudden have

a brand-new baby in the house?

How were your daily patterns
affected?

Well, all of a sudden,

there were diapers to change,
formula to make.

Oh, and rattles, first words

and the constant squeak
from that Jolly Jumper

till I thought it was
going to break off its hinges.

Babies have tons of energy.

No, that was Alex.

Yeah, I was...
I was just checking out

the shocks on the thing,
you know.

Making sure it was safe.

What was the thing that changed
most for the rest of the family?

Was-was there anything that you
felt missing in your life?

ALL:
Sleep.

(baby crying)

What are you doing?

I'm going in to get Andrew.

Steven, that will be
the fifth time

you've picked him up
since midnight.

Elyse, he's crying.

Honey, we've been
through this before.

If you pick Andrew up
every time he cries,

he's never going to stop crying.

Does that mean, when he's ,
he'll still cry in his crib?

Not if we bring him up right.

(crying continues)

Elyse, how can you be so cruel?

He's only been alone
for four minutes.

Four minutes is a big chunk
of his life, Elyse.

We are not going to spoil
this baby, Steven.

Come on.
Let's go back to bed.

(crying continues)

Boy, has this kid got lungs.

Oh, my heaven.

(crying stops)

- Elyse.
- (gasps)

Where are you going?

I was going to straighten
this picture.

- Elyse!
- (crying resumes)

Oh, he's still crying, honey.

I thought you didn't want
to spoil him.

I don't, but I can't bear
to hear him cry.

(crying stops)

He stopped crying.

Hmm.

(all scream)

(crying resumes)

- Is Andrew up again?
- Yeah.

We can't get him to go to sleep.

Oh, maybe we should sing to him.

Dad, we want him to sleep,
not try and escape.

We should try singing.
We should try anything.

I've got to get some sleep.

ALEX:
We'll sing, we'll sing.

Well, wait.
What are we going to sing?

Something for a baby.

Hey, do you know
"Let's Get Crazy" by Prince?

It was our wedding song.

Come on. Come on.
No, no, come on.

I'm not singing anything
by Prince.

Come on! He's tired!

ALL:
♪ Down by the old mill stream ♪

♪ Where I first met you ♪

♪ You were ♪

STEVEN:
♪ You were ♪

♪ My village queen,
my village queen ♪

♪ Down by the old mill stream. ♪

(Alex sighs)

Good night.

(crying resumes)

(all groan)

Look, we can work this out.
We can work it out.

I know we can.

Now, what has stopped him
from crying so far?

When we went in there to sing,
he stopped crying.

Go in there to sing...
stop crying.

When I brought him out here
before, he stopped crying.

Bring him out here...
stop cry... okay.

I've got it. Come on.

What are you going to do?

- Shh, shh.
- (Alex groans)

Wow, what are you doing?

Okay, take it easy.

That's my good boy.
That's my good boy.

♪ Down by the old ♪

- ♪ Mill stream... ♪
- (baby crying)

Nice try, Dad.

Oh, yes, the song stylings
of the Keaton family.

That... that was quite a night.

It's getting late, Andy.
I think it's time for bed.

But, Dad, I'm the center
of attention.

Well, why don't you go on up,

and I'll be
the center of attention.

Come on, Andy, I'll take you up.

Good night, Andy.

- Good night, Andy.
- Well, honey...

is it time
for my personal history yet?

No, not just yet.

Okay, well, you give me
lots of warning, okay?

Because I got to set up
that whole slide show and...

We're onto
an interesting area here.

The-the most recent addition
to this typical American family.

Okay, as Andy grew,
would you say the style in which

you raised him was any different
from the rest of the children?

Well, actually,
it was very much the same.

Oh, but-but as time went on,
we started getting little hints

that-that Alex intended
to be more involved

in Andy's upbringing
than we had hoped.

This started very early on.

Okay, Andy, you ready?

(Andy coos)

Okay.

This is him.

This is the guy
I've been telling you about.

This is everything you'd want
in a president.

Alex.

Put this away...
you'll frighten him.

Ah, there you go again, Dad.

Republican.

ELYSE: And then there
were other hints.

Things that were tough
to ignore.

Who's that?

- You.
- Who am I?

- My mommy.
- That's right.

And who's that pretty girl?

- Jennifer.
- Who's Jennifer?

- My sister.
- That's right.

- Who's that?
- Alex.

Who is Alex?

Alex is king.

STEVEN:
And after a while, we had

to face the fact that we had
another Alex on our hands.

Mommy, come quick...
gold closed at $ . .

Thank you for having him.

Ah, got to love that kid.

I got to admit
their relationship is cute

in its own weird way.

What's wrong with
a little brother following

in his older brother's
footsteps?

What's wrong with our footsteps?

Well, hey, Dad, you know,
he would've followed

in your footsteps...
I just got to him first.

Why couldn't he follow
in my footsteps?

Oh, great, he'd be on a...

on a circular track
to and from the mall.

What's wrong with that?

His first words would be,
"Attention, shoppers."

Alex has, on occasion,
uh, taken this

"follow in his footsteps"
business a little too far.

Moi?

Oui.

I seem to remember
Andy's first day of preschool.

You went a little
overboard there.

Moi?

MALLORY, ELYSE and STEVEN:
Oui.

Andy, here's your lunch box.

Now, these are your
coloring books and your crayons.

Remember, how do we feel
about sharing?

(blows raspberries)

Attaboy.

Good.

Okay, now, you just wear this,

and I don't think
we'll have any problem.

Good morning, Andy.

Good morning, Mrs. Kluger.

Good morning, Mrs. Kluger.
I'm Alex Keaton, Andy's brother.

I'm Mrs. Kluger, the director.

Right. Oh, listen, Andy,
I got to run to class now,

but remember, tonight,
we're going to go out,

we're going to get ice cream,
then I'm going to take you

and show you how the
automated teller machines work.

Okay? Remember... who loves you?

Alex loves me.

You know it.

So, uh...

how's he doing?

Oh, he's a terrific child.

He's very sensitive
and very thoughtful

of the other children.

Well, I can't help that;
it's my parents' influence.

You know, Andrew talks
about you all the time, Alex.

Oh, really?

Yeah, he mentions
your name so often,

you'd think someone was
paying him to talk about you.

Mrs. Kluger, do you mind if I
take a little look around here?

Oh, no, feel free...
we encourage visitors.

We're completely open
and free here.

That's nothing to brag about.

So, this is the library?

Yeah, and we try to fill it with
colorful, interesting books.

We've got, uh,
Old Charlie Goes to School,

A Snowy Day, The Curious Cow.

Yeah, we've got
that one at home.

Mallory's reading it.

My sister.

Oh, you've also got
a sister in preschool.

No, Mallory couldn't get
into preschool.

So she's going to Grant College.

Hi, Mrs. Kluger.

Hi, Michael.

What does your patch say?

I know how to say
good-bye to my daddy.

Very good, sweetie.

Isn't that wonderful, Alex?

What's so wonderful about that?

I know how to say good-bye
to my daddy.

You don't see me
wearing a patch.

Well, we try to encourage
Michael... he's very shy.

This gives him a sense
of accomplishment.

Well, I'm all
for creating a sense

of accomplishment, Mrs. Kluger.

I just question your methods.

Oh, well, what do you suggest?

Well, have you thought
about dividing the children

into different play groups?

Giving them IQ tests?

Well, Alex,
we're trying to foster

a noncompetitive environment.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Kluger.

Join us in the real world here.

Do you see people out there
who are noncompetitive?

People sharing?

People taking naps on mats?

Steven and Elyse Keaton
are your parents?

Oh, Mrs. Kluger, I got to go.

Um, I'm just going to say
good-bye to Andy,

- and I'll be on my way.
- Sure.

He's over there playing house.

No, no.

That's impossible...
Andy doesn't play house.

Well, of course he does.
See him diapering that doll?

He's diapering a doll?

Andy, what are you doing?

Diapering a doll.

Where's your wife?

Out working.

We're out of here.

Let's go.

You took Andy out of preschool?

I brought him back.

Yeah, after the deprogramming
didn't work.

So, Alex seems to be
a little overzealous

when it comes to Andy.

Well... well, yes, I am,
sugarplum.

Could you explain further
this obsessive involvement?

Well, frankly, it has to do
with the way I was raised.

Excuse me?

One thing you have to know
about Mom and Dad

is that they're not
your normal parents.

He says the sweetest things.

Well, what I mean
is they really got involved

in everything we did.

Sometimes a little
over-involved.

Can anyone cite an example?

- More popcorn?
- Uh...

There was this time
that Dad felt

he wasn't spending
enough time with me,

so he decided
to become my buddy.

ELYSE:
Oh, right.

♪ Everybody down, low bridge ♪

♪ For we're coming to a town ♪

♪ And you'll always
know your neighbor ♪

♪ You'll always know your pal
if you've ever navigated ♪

♪ On the Erie Canal. ♪

WOMAN:
All right!

(all clapping)

Well, what do you say, Dad?
Do you want to go now?

We've been here
three minutes, Jennifer.

All right, that was
very nice singing, girls.

And now onto the new business.

I would like to welcome
all the moms...

and the dad.

Mr. Keaton,

nice that you could come, sir.

Uh, thank you, Mrs. Carpenter.
I feel very much at home.

In fact, I'd like to give
you all a warm Sunflower...

Dad!

Well.

Now it's time
for the round table.

- Oh, what's that?
- Well, once a month,

we discuss some topic of
interest to the Sunflower Girls.

Oh, great, I'm-I'm all ready...
camping, boating, hiking?

Today we're going to talk
about sex.

I'm your guy.

Did you say "sex"?

Mm-hmm.

Dad, maybe
you should go, really.

Nonsense, Jennifer.

I'm a Sunflower Dad.

I think I can handle a...

a mature discussion about,
uh, what she said.

WOMAN:
Now,

we're going to discuss
our bodies

as they blossom into womanhood.

And about boys and their bodies
as they burst into manhood.

I know that some of you
have already gone out on dates

with boys, and I want to talk
about first experiences.

And I want the younger girls
to benefit from you older girls.

So we're going to go
around the room

starting with you, Shelly.

Well, on my first date,

I went out with a guy
in my class.

I'm not going to name names,
but...

Was it Larry Barker?

That's right.

Anyway, I went out with Larry,

and all he wanted to do
was fool around.

What do you mean
by "fool around"?

I mean he wanted
to touch my body

as it blossomed into womanhood.

Boys are only interested
in one thing: Sex.

Right, Mr. Keaton?

Well... well, uh...

- Wh-What's your name?
- Alice.

Well, Alice, some boys
are very interested in sex.

Were you?

Well, um, when I was a boy,
I was interested

in a lot of things.

Was sex one of them?

Well, I was interested in, uh,
baseball, basketball, football.

You're not answering
the question.

Get off my back, will you?

I don't want to lie
to you, uh, Alice.

Uh... (laughs)

I admit, there...
there were some, uh, girls, uh,

that, uh...

I remember Marjorie McCracken.

Boy, she had a body on her.

Dad, I can't believe
you're talking about this stuff.

What can I do?
She was hounding me.

Dad, you're really
embarrassing me.

This is not the place
for you to be.

Why do you say that?

Look around you, Dad.

Do you see anyone else here
who shaves?

Jennifer, I just want
to spend some time with you.

I'm sorry, Dad, but this
isn't the right place.

If you don't leave, I will.

I have to say I learned a lot
from that meeting.

Me, too.

Like don't ever be seen
with your father in public.

I think it's a lovely thing
your father did.

It shows what kind of dad he is.

He's not a stay-at-home dad.

Dad, in the future,
do us a favor... stay at home.

Can you think of other ways

that your father embarrassed...

I-I mean got involved
in what you kids were doing?

Nothing specific,
but he was always involved.

Mom, too.

What would you say
is the key to the closeness

that you have with your parents?

Honesty. Yeah.

Talking out problems.

Financial dependence.

And honesty
and talking out problems.

Well, we made a decision
a long time ago

that if anyone had a problem,
they would come to us

and we would talk about it.

- And that works for you?
- Definitely.

Um, well, sometimes it's
a hard thing to do.

Like the time I had
to tell Mom and Dad

that I might not graduate
from high school.

Hi, honey.
I had the dress altered for you.

I'm so excited
you're going to be wearing it

to your graduation.

This really means a lot to me.

Uh, what do you think
of this frame, Mal?

I think your diploma
will look great in here.

Oh, it looks nice
the way it is, Dad.

Do you want to try this on now?

Uh, no, Mom.

There's plenty of time for that.

No, there isn't.

Mom, there's time.

Trust her.

Come on, Jen.

(Alex whistling)

Mom, Dad,

there's something
I have to tell you.

This isn't easy for me,

and it's not
going to make you happy.

I don't like it any more
than you will.

You know,

I don't know why we're going
to put ourselves through this.

In fact, I don't know why
we're having this conversation.

I'm a little fuzzy on it myself.

Okay, I'm failing history.

Unless I get a "B" on my final,

which is not likely,
I'm not going to graduate.

Not graduate?

Why is this the first
we're hearing of this?

I didn't mention it before?

No.

I guess I was hoping
it wouldn't come to this,

that I'd get
that diploma somehow.

Well, how did you plan
on getting this diploma, Mal,

by going to the mall
four nights a week?

By spending
all that time with Nick?

By talking on the phone
all hours?

Okay, that didn't work.

I'm real glad you can see
the humor in this,

Mallory, because I can't.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to start
taking things seriously.

- I want you to grow up!
- Mom, don't yell at me.

- I feel bad enough already.
- Well, sometimes I have

to yell at you;
it's the only way

I can get through
to you these days.

All right, come on, come on,
getting all upset

isn't going to help, Elyse.

How could you do this, Mallory?!

I didn't want to.

Can't you bring
the grade up at all?

I don't know.

My teacher is so unfair to me.

I asked her
if I could do extra credit.

She said, "No, Mallory.

You have to get a 'B'
on the final or else."

There's no way I'm going
to be able to do that.

There's still time.

Come on, Mom, I can't learn

a year's worth of work
in four weeks.

Can't you guys talk
to Mrs. Hillman for me?

Well, fine,
what are we going to say?

That she should let you graduate

even though
you haven't done the work

and you don't deserve it?

Okay, but put it
in your own words.

If that's your attitude,
just fine.

Don't graduate.

What do you want me to do?

Look, I think
your only choice now

is to sit down
and study as hard as you can.

Dad, what would be the point?
I'd still flunk.

I'm not smart.

There's no way I can do this.

You are smart, Mallory.

You just don't apply yourself.

Your teachers
have always said that.

Look, if you give up on this,

you're not even giving
yourself a chance.

Now, this time,
it's too important.

(sighs)

I'm scared.

You have no choice.

MALLORY: Well, I hit the books
like I never did before,

and by the time
the big exam came,

I thought I was ready.

So, have you been studying?

Yes, a lot.

Good.

- Well, good luck.
- Thank you.

Okay, I'm going to ask you
six questions.

I want you to think
about what you're going to say

and be brief and to the point.

You ready?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

What was the Louisiana Purchase,

and how did it affect
Thomas Jefferson's presidency?

Well, Thomas Jefferson
wanted some land,

and, uh, Napoleon had some.

Uh, so he finally bought it
for $ million,

which wasn't a bad price,
considering it was from France.

I thought you said you studied.

I did.

That answer was gibberish.

Now tell me the answer
in clear and coherent English.

I don't know what you mean.

Well, then you're going
to flunk,

- and you won't graduate.
- Mrs. Hillman...

When are you going to drop
this charade

and start acting like
an intelligent young woman?

I'm doing the best I can.

Well, Mallory,
if this is the best you can do,

then obviously
I've overestimated you.

How can you say that?

I've been studying my head off
for four weeks.

What do you want from me?

An intelligent answer.

Now, come on.

How did the Louisiana Purchase

affect Thomas Jefferson's
presidency?

Tell me what you think,
intelligently.

Can you do that?

Or would you rather...

The Louisiana Purchase
was difficult for Jefferson

because he supported
states' rights,

and when he made the purchase,

he was doing more
for federal powers

so he lost political backing

for the people involved
in states' right.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

Mallory,
that's what I want from you.

Now, that was
an intelligent answer.

It was?

Yes, it was.

And that is the story
of how I got to Grant College.

Grant College,
where the school motto is,

"Get left back,
win a free pie."

Hello, everybody.

Hey, hello, hello.

Look, another Grant College,
dare we say, student.

What brings you by, Skip?

Nothing, just a slow night
at my house.

My mother's playing mah-jongg,

and my dad's cleaning
the furnace

with an electric toothbrush.

Same old stuff.

What's going on here?

I'm interviewing the Keatons
on what it's like

to be a typical
American family in .

Oh, well, then, Lauren,

you might want
to interview me, too.

I mean, having lived next door

to the Keatons
for so many years,

I've felt just like part
of the family.

- Really?
- Yes.

Alex and Jen and Mallory

have always treated me
like a brother.

And Mr. And Mrs. Keaton

have always treated me
like the son they never had.

Thanks, Skip.

This isn't cutting
into my time at all, is it?

No, it's fine.

Everyone's going to have
their chance to speak.

All right, go ahead, Skippy.

Um, can you remember
a specific time when the...

when the family embraced you

and included you
as one of its members?

Did we do that?

Now that you mention it,
I-I can.

It was when I-I first
found out that...

(whispering):
I was adopted.

You're adopted?

Yes.

(whispering):
Skippy...

we all know.

Well, anyway,
the news was rather shocking,

but with the encouragement
of the Keatons,

I decided to go see
my natural mother.

But it didn't turn out
as great as I'd hoped.

She didn't want me back
in her life.

When we got back here,
I was crushed.

Alex, I'm in a daze.

I'm stunned.

My mother rejected me... again.

My mother never
would have acted that way.

That's just the point, Skip.

See, she wouldn't have done that
because she is your mother.

She loves you.

Wait a minute, which mother
are you talking about?

I'm talking about your mother.

N-Not... not the one from today,

but your other mother,
your real mother.

The one from today
is my real mother.

Well, that's true, but I
was referring to the mother

that you thought
was your real mother

until a few days ago.

You mean my mother.

That's what I said, Skip...
your mother.

When you said my mother,
I thought you meant my mother,

as in the one
who was my mother first.

No, no, I'm talking
about your other mother.

Not the mother who...
who knew you first;

the mother that you knew first.

Got it.

What about her?

Look, Skip, all...

all I'm trying to say
to you is this.

Your mother didn't reject you.

The woman who gave birth
to you rejected you.

You mean my mother?

Let's not start
this again, Skip.

Look, when you were
seven years old

and you got your head caught
in the banister,

who got you loose?

My mom.

Which mom?

The one that raised me.

Mrs. Handelman.

That's right.

And when you were years old

and you got your head caught
in the banister...

...who got you loose?

That time, it was my dad.

Um, Mr. Handelman.

Skip, if it wasn't
for those two people,

your head would be stuck
in that banister right now.

It's true.

See, the woman you met today

is your natural mother,

and-and there's a guy out there
who is your natural father,

but they haven't been a part
of your life for years.

They-they've had no role
in-in nurturing you,

in molding you,

in-in caring for you.

They, uh... they created a baby,

but they had no part
in creating the human being

that's Irwin N. Handelman.

Oh, even so, Alex,

how would you feel
if you found out

that your mom and dad
aren't your natural parents?

It would explain a lot
of inconsistencies in my family.

Look, what it gets
right down to, Skip, is:

The people who are
most important in your life

are the people who love you

and the people
who care about you,

and you've got those people
just as much as I do.

(indistinct chatter)

(clears throat)

You're home.

Yeah, just got back.

Uh, we would have
been here sooner,

but we got stuck
at the Wilson Interchange.

I was worried you might.

They ought to put
better signs up there.

So, how'd it go, baby boy?

You don't have
to call me that anymore.

Did you meet...

her?

Yeah, I met her.

She was...

pretty nice.

I see.

Alex met her, too.

Yeah, yeah, she was, uh...
she was nice.

Well, I'm glad

your real mother's nice.

You're my real mother.

Oh, Mom.

Hey, what about me?

You're my real dad, Dad.

(laughter)

Let's go home
and have real dinner.

Let's go home.

I just said that.

Oh, yeah.

Honey, tell me...

and you can be
completely honest with me, okay?

Are we ever going to get
to my personal history?

I'm afraid not.

Okay, okay.

That's fine.

Don't pout.

I'm not. I'm not.

I have the slide projector
set up, everything.

I just think
that we've discovered

a very interesting area here.

More interesting than me?

Have you seen my baby pictures?

You know, what I think is
interesting is that in all this,

there seems to be a sense
of responsibility that...

that bonds this family together.

I mean, whoever's in need,

they-they always have
someone to go to.

We try to be there for them
to, uh...

to guide them, to nurture,
to support them.

Children need their parents.

Well, Dad, I mean,
wait a minute. Wait a minute.

It's not just
a one-way street here.

I mean, there have been times
that you've come to me for help.

Real?
Oh, I don't remember that.

Well, I do.

Well, can anyone cite an example
of when one or...

or both of your parents
came to you for help?

- Ooh, ooh.
- I've got a great one.

Alex?

Okay, all right.

Uh, Dad, remember that time

that-that-that-that old flame
of Mom's came into town?

They went out for dinner,

and-and you got so jealous
you made a fool of yourself?

I don't...

So, what are you doing here?

I thought you and Mom were going
out with Richie tonight.

We did.

What happened?

Well, I embarrassed your mother,
I embarrassed myself,

I embarrassed an old friend,

and as far as I can tell now,
I'm probably completely wrong.

So it's nothing new, then.

Well, I mean, you know,

it's nothing you haven't been
through before.

I guess not.

Listen, Dad, you know,
you always told me

that it takes a big man
to admit when he's wrong.

Mm-hmm.

And to always try and keep
a perspective on things.

Uh-huh.

- To always respect the other
person's point of view. - Right.

- To understand your own
motivations... - Right.

...control your own
worst instincts.

- Yeah.
- To always rise...

Enough!

I'm sorry.

You're right.

Don't worry, Dad.

You're going to pull
through this.

And, uh, when you talk to Mom...

cry if you have to.

You know, women like that.

It's no skin off your back,
and they think it's sensitive.

How did my little prank go over?

How could you do this, Steven?

I thought we had a bond of love
and respect between us,

an understanding that would
preclude anything

like this from ever happening.

I'm insulted that you obviously
don't feel the same way.

I do feel the same way.

Oh, really?

Well, you have an interesting
way of showing it.

Embarrassing and insulting me

and a dear old friend
in a public place. Steven...

I'm not saying there isn't room
for improvement.

Steven, stop it!

What you did tonight
was absolutely indefensible!

I'm so sick and tired of it.

I-I don't want to hear
another word about it.

Elyse, I'm sorry,
but I only did this

because you're the most

beautiful, exciting woman
I've ever met.

And sometimes the passion I feel
for you is so great,

it, it makes me crazy.

I'm listening.

Do you remember,
the first day we met,

freshman year,

you were lost, you couldn't find
your class?

I had a map.

Unfortunately,
it was a map of Spain.

So, so we spent the day
wandering around the town,

getting ice cream, uh,
browsing through bookstores...

falling in love.

Oh, you were so beautiful.

You still are.

And even after all these years,
after all we've been through,

after everything that's
happened,

I still can't believe
you picked me!

Go on.

Don't you see
what I'm saying, Elyse?

When, when Richie came here
and...

and I found out
about the two of you,

it just went right to the heart
of all the insecurities

I've ever had about myself.

And about whether I'm, uh,
good enough for you.

Steven, what do you think
I've been doing all these years?

Biding my time till I found
someone I really liked?

I don't want to become
one of those couples, Elyse.

The ones that have settled,
grown tired, bored,

where everyone else
is more exciting

than the person
they're married to.

I don't want that either,
Steven!

I want there to be romance,
bells going off,

quickened pulses when I walk
through that door.

I want that look,
that look is mine.

What look?!

My look.

The one that's supposed to be
only for me.

The look that tells me
that we're really meant

to be together;

that I'm the one.

I have a look
that says all that?

Yeah, I showed it to you
yesterday!

I can't do it. You do it!

Now you look like Daffy Duck.

Steven, forget the look.
The look isn't important.

What's important is...

is that we trust each other.

You're my best friend, Steven.

I rely on you.

I want you to rely on me.

I love you, Steven.

Let's go upstairs.

Why go upstairs...

Captain Romance?

That's the look.

Get a camera.

- You really do love me, huh?
- Mm.

Quick, somebody stop them
before they start kissing.

Get a bucket of water or bang on
some cymbals or something.

My parents never kiss
in front of me.

At their most romantic,

they might rub noses
or pull each other's hair.

Well, I think that's all the
time that we have for tonight.

(scoffs)

Alex, I'm going to take
your baby pictures home.

I'm going to look at them later.

It's not the same.

Who's going to be there
to-to "Ooh"?

Who's going to be there to "Ah"?

I really want to thank you all
for taking the time to share

your views
and experiences with me.

It's been very enlightening.

Well, I think the pleasure's
been ours.

I really enjoyed this little
trip down memory lane.

All right, in closing,
if you had to pick one word

that means family to you,
what would it be?

Love.

Love.

- Love.
- Love.

Money.

Love of money.

Love. Love.

I don't think
you can sum up family.

It's a web of interchanging

and always-changing relations
and emotions.

Come on, Alex.
You're his big brother.

- You set a good example for him.
- Mom, no, this is ridiculous.

Show him!

Okay, watch Alex, Andrew. Okay.

Now the mama bird
flies back to her nest.

And the baby bird opens up
his mouth so big...

Come on, Alex,
open your mouth, Alex. Open.

Would you open your mouth, Alex!

Hi, guys.

I can't get either one
of them to eat!

Dad, we need a new mom.
This one's had it.

Do you know what it means
that we're brothers?

It means that I have to do
everything that you say.

That's a big part of it, yep.

If you want to fit in
around here, Nick,

you got to look like me,
you got to act like me,

you got to talk like me,
you got to be another me.

Okay, I'll do it.

I'll do it
because I love Mallory.

Why do you do it?

All right, all right,
okay, Jennifer. All right.

I've tried to appeal
to your sense of compassion.

I have no other option.

Ten dollars.

- $ .
- $ .

- $ .
- $ . .

- $ . .
- $ . .

- $ . .
- Done.

You guys are really something,
you know that?

You're a very special couple.

You do things together.

You, you learn from each other,
you share things.

Common interests.
You like being with each other.

What's your secret?

I never get my way.

Do you know
that I used to sit around

just thinking about what it
would be like if we got married?

(coughs)

Married?

Yeah! Yeah, I had the whole
thing planned out.

A-A big ceremony at night
under a big tent.

Like a circus?

Exactly. But instead of walking
down the aisle,

I'd get sh*t out of a cannon
toward the altar.

And then, uh,
we'd go on our honeymoon.

We'd go to Paris, where we'd
spend our evenings dining alone

on the banks of the Nile.

Skippy... the Nile's in London.

Mallory, if we've given Alex
more freedom

in his personal life,

it's only because he's a boy
and you're a girl!

Go ahead. I'd like to hear
the rest of that.

I can't believe
you just said that, Dad.

- Mal... - Hang tough, hang tough.
Looking good.

This is really nice.

Uh, you guys eat like this
all the time?

You mean with utensils? Ow!

What is this?!
I found it in the shower!

That's generic-brand shampoo.

(shrieks)

It's family, Alex.
You can't escape it.

Yeah.

I'm hip. I'm cool.

I'm a happening fool.

I want to slow
this thing down, Elyse.

Going too fast.

Yesterday Jennifer was two.
Today she's .

Alex is .

What the hell's going on here?

It's life.
That's what's going on here.

I love you all so much.

- I love you.
- I love you.

I love you.

I love you, honey.

Alex loves me.

I love you, Dad.

I love you more every day.

I love you, too, Steven.

Everything I care about,

really, really, care about
is in this house.

MALLORY: Just think about how
we just love each other.

Just remember those things.
We do.

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)