06x16 - Anniversary Waltz

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



(chuckles)
Who's that?

Uh, that's Dad's
mother's mother,

our great-grandmother.

She had real flabby arms.

Yeah, they're a nice match
with the legs.

There's a nice-looking guy.

Who's that?

That's Vic Damone.

His picture came with the album.

JENNIFER:
Mm.

Oh, look.

"Mr. And Mrs. Charles Donnelly
announce the wedding

"of their daughter
Elyse Katherine

to Steven Richard Keaton."

Hey, Mom, look at your
old wedding invitation.

.

years ago.

Steven, can you believe it?

(Steven groans)

I guess he can't believe it.

Are you guys gonna have a party?

Well, I'm working on it,

but your father doesn't like
to celebrate these things.

Of course I do.

I love to celebrate
these things.

I just don't like big parties.

I happen to believe
it's possible

to have a celebration with, uh,

fewer than a thousand people.

You used to like big gatherings.

Elyse, this is our anniversary,

not the march on Washington.

ELYSE:
You know, actually,

you already agreed
to have a party.

When did I agree?

Last year.
Don't you remember?

Just the two of us
had dinner together.

Course I remember.

It was very romantic.

Well, this year,
instead of romance,

let's have fun.

You know what I mean.

Let's face it, Dad,
she wants a big party.

Well, it's our th;
it's a big day.

I-I just feel there are
a lot of people

that I would like
to share that with.

Okay, Elyse, if you insist
on having a party,

I won't stand in your way.

Sounds like a go to me.

This is so exciting.

You're going to love it, Steven.

Where-where will we have
the party?

Anyplace you want
is okay with me.

You decide.

I am thoroughly amenable.

Uh, maybe we could get
the banquet room at Guido's.

Not Guido's.

What's the matter with Guido's?

N-nothing, no...

Guido's-Guido's is fine.

Okay, I'll keep it small
and intimate, Steven, I promise.

What, just a few other couples?

Well, now, if we're going
to rent a room

and hire a band,
I think, I think...

A band?!

Okay, okay, a band is fine.

I'll stay out of this.

It sounds like fun, Mom.
Do you want me

to call Guido's
and reserve the room?

No, that's okay.

I already called them.

- (thunder rumbling)
- Hi, Mom. What's for dinner?

You know, I thought we'd start
out with some hors d'oeuvres...

rumaki, pigs in blankets,
things like that...

and then chicken Florentine,
zucchini, pastry, and coffee.

Well, I'll have everything
except the coffee.

Let's eat.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I was talking about the party.

Oh. And what are
we having tonight?

Tonight we're having Captain
Barnacle's take-out fish balls.

Again?

Well, I hope they defrosted
them this time.

- (thunder rumbling)
- Oh, hello, everybody.

- MALLORY: You did!
- I did not.

- I know you did, Alex.
- No, no, no.

You think you know I did,
but I didn't.

Steven, where are
the fish balls?

I couldn't start the car.

I had to leave it at work.

I took the bus home.

I'm soaked to the skin.

I couldn't get the fish balls.

Oh, Steven.

You couldn't get
the fish balls?!

Let me run this
by you again, Elyse.

I couldn't start the car.

Had to leave it at work.

Took the bus home.

I couldn't get the fish balls.

Say it with me, "I couldn't..."

- "I couldn't start..."
- MALLORY: Dad!

Dad, Alex has been
reading my diary.

I know because he's been
using words and phrases

that I use in it.

Look, that is not true.

Her-her accusations are...

totally bogus and grody
to the max.

You see? He doesn't
talk like that.

Look, I didn't read
her diary, okay?

I went into her room
to look for a book.

Ha! What would a book
be doing in my room?

She's got me there...

...for sure.

I really had my heart set
on those fish balls.

So, Mom, what is for dinner?

Well, we've got
some frozen waffles.

Throw 'em in the toaster.

I'd love to throw 'em
in the toaster,

but the toaster is broken.

I have some gum in my room.

That should hold me over
till breakfast.

Look, Steven, I-I've got to talk
to you about the arrangements.

Now, now, Guido's is all set
for the party.

Guido's? H... Oh, okay.

Guido's, uh... Guido's is fine.

Whatever you do will be fine.

Is it raining in here?

Yes, it is!
I thought we had that fixed.

- I did! I'll call the roofer.
- Thank you.

- Dad, you've got to talk
to Alex. - About what?

About reading my diary.

Alex, read your sister's diary.

MALLORY:
Dad!

Look, I didn't read
her stupid diary.

How would you know my diary's
stupid if you hadn't read it?

Mallory, I don't have
to stick my hand in water

to know it's wet.

Okay, now, guys, the roofer can
be here Wednesday after : .

Can anybody be here?

- MALLORY: I'm busy.
- ALEX: Not me. - STEVEN: I can't.

Oh! I'll try to be here.

Steven, I-I've got to talk
to you about these arrangements.

Now, I've got the guest list
here, and-and I...

That is the guest list?

Why don't we use
this guest list?

Fewer people.

- I'll look through it.
- I bet you will.

Oh, this is gonna be
a fun party.

I'm really looking
forward to it.

Yeah, me, too.

Mallory, can you put something
under this drip?

You're a drip, Alex.
Why don't you sit in it?!

All right, Mallory.
Bag your face.

- years, huh?
- Yeah. It seems just like, uh...

BOTH:
Fifty.

(thunder rumbling)

Yes... Y-Yes... I see.

I understand
you're very busy now, but...

uh, now is when our roof
is leaking.

I'm sorry we never call you
when it's sunny.

(sighs)
Wh-When can you come?

A month from Thursday.

Well, I-I appreciate
your squeezing us in.

Thank you.

You're a saint.

Thank you.

Sorry I'm late.
I stayed at the office

to put the guest list
through the computer.

You forgot the roofer, Elyse.

Oh, no, I didn't. He's invited.

I mean, you weren't home
when he got here.

So what?

So I forgot the roofer.

So what?!

So what? Have you been
in the kitchen lately?

- No.
- No?

Take a dinghy.

Steven, I had
a hard day at work.

Please, let's not get
into a fight.

Okay.

You're right. Uh...

Sorry you had such a bad day.

Well, it really wasn't
such a bad day.

I had lunch with Suzanne,
and she and Ron are coming.

Oh, good. At least some
of my friends will be there.

Well, they can't get here
till midnight,

and they won't be able
to stay very long.

I also ran into, uh,
Bernie Packer.

Glad he's not invited.

Well...

- Elyse! - Well, Suzanne
assumed he was invited

and mentioned it,
so I had to invite him.

He's a very sweet man.

He was very helpful
to my mother a couple years ago.

In that case, why don't
we take him in as a boarder?

Elyse, the man is a buffoon.

He's not a buffoon.

He happens to have
a very good sense of humor.

Oh, is he? He's really funny.

I especially like
that noise he always makes.

What noise?

(honks loudly)

That noise.

I never noticed that noise.

How could you not notice
(honking)?

I am aware of the positive
things about Bernie.

(honks) is the most positive
thing about Bernie.

Look, I feel like we're having
some problems here.

If you don't want Bernie
to come to the party,

he doesn't have to come
to the party.

We don't even have
to have a party!

We are having the party.

I'm not gonna miss my th
anniversary because of you.

You are having your th
anniversary because of me!

I-I'm having our th
anniversary because of us.

There wouldn't be any us
if it weren't for me.

Or me, so there.

(phone ringing)

(angrily):
Hello!

(cheerfully):
Bernie!

Bernie Packer.

Great.
Say (honks) for me.

You're coming?

Fabulous!

Steven will be so happy.

Till then, Bern. Bye.

Okay, Elyse, now all
your friends are coming,

including Bernie. Happy?

Never happier.

Oh, I've never been
happier either.

I'm delirious with glee.

Bernie Packer is coming
to our party.

How much delight
could one man possibly stand?

Will you stop
putting down Bernie?

- I am crazy about Bernie!
- Well, you can

just spend the whole evening
with Bernie.

You can just dance with Bernie

and (honks) Your brains out.

ALEX:
Mallory!

- What are you doing in my room?
- MALLORY: What are you doing

- in my room? Reading my diary?
- ALEX: No, I was...

- STEVEN: Would you...
- ELYSE: Will you shut up?!

I don't want any more
yelling in this house!

Happy anniversary!

Many happy returns!

Alex, will you get
over here, please?

We've got to talk
about Mom and Dad's present.

Speaking of talking, Jennifer,
did you know that Mallory

is afraid to talk
to Curt McMillan?

Alex, the only way
you would know that

is if you read my diary.

That's not true.

He could've eavesdropped
like I did... ah...

Maybe this whole discussion
is academic.

I mean, the way
they've been fighting,

they're probably gonna
call the party off.

It is getting pretty rough.

Now they're fighting
about anything.

ELYSE:
This is my umbrella.

I don't know what you did
with your stupid umbrella.

STEVEN: You're right!
It is a stupid umbrella!

- You bought it for me!
- (thudding)

Sounds like it's tapering off.

ELYSE: Better than that
ridiculous rain hat

- you bought me!
- (thudding)

Look, just on the off chance
that they do make up,

we have to get them a present.
Now, what do they need?

They need a lawyer.

I hope they make up.

I don't want to end up
at some home for waifs.

Now, come on,
what should we get them?

Let's get 'em
a new set of tires.

Look, I've got
a much better idea.

We'll get them, uh, matching
sweater and slacks outfits.

It'll be great.

Uh, Mallory, we-we're shopping
for our parents here,

not Ken and Barbie.

Alex, do you have to sh**t down
every good idea I have?

Mallory, the day you get
a good idea, let me know.

I will!

(imitating Mallory's tone):
Okay.

Will you two stop fighting?

We've got to work this out.

- (Jennifer shushes)
- No, I disagree.

I think we have a lot
to learn from Einstein.

Talking about
the anniversary, hmm?

Is there still gonna be one?

Why wouldn't there be one?

Been looking all
over the house for this.

Look, there's no doubt
in my mind

they'll make up before
the party tomorrow night.

But if they don't,
I'm calling a family meeting.

This family meeting is
hereby called to order.

Will the secretary please read
the minutes of the last meeting?

You are the secretary, Jennifer.

You're out of order.

I know,
I'm the secretary, Mallory.

I'm just trying
to be official here.

Jennifer, you were about
to read the minutes

of the last meeting...
will you get to it, please?

I, for one, want to hear them.

You can't hear them.

I was going to get to that.

You see, I was reading them
in the bathtub last night...

and...

well, the rest is history.

The Chair recognizes Mommy.

I would just like to point out

that we're supposed to be
at Guido's in minutes.

If we do not proceed
with this meeting,

we'll all miss the party.

Suits me fine.

I have the floor...
you're out of order.

She's right, Dad, technically,
you are out of order.

Now you're out of order, Alex.

How can I be out of order
telling him he's out of order?

You're out of order again.

Listen, the whole purpose
of this meeting is

for us to discuss all the
fighting that's been going on.

- I'm tired of it.
- So am I.

Me, too... Alex, I don't see why

you and your sister
can't get along better.

Pardon me
for pointing it out, Mom,

but you and Dad haven't exactly
been Ozzie and Harriet.

Well, look, uh, kids,

we don't need
a meeting like this.

Your mother and I can settle our
little differences ourselves.

Really? The two of you
haven't slept

in the same room
for the past three nights.

I haven't been tired.

I don't like it
when you guys fight.

It's scary.

Sounds like
you don't like each other.

Honey, we don't mean
to scare you.

So, now, you're ready
to make up?

Uh, well, um, I-I...
I think the first thing

that needs to happen here, um,
procedurally speaking,

is for Alex and Mallory
to end their fight.

How about it?

I will make up with Alex

if he promises
never to read my diary again.

I didn't read it
in the first place.

Prove it.

For one thing, Mallory,
it has a lock on it.

How would you know?

I, uh...

I've admired it from a distance.

I'll bet!

Okay, look, I promise,
all right?

You have to promise
to stay away from my records.

All right.

I'm sorry for all the names
I called you.

Likewise.

Say, "I'm sorry."

(quietly):
I'm sorry.

Louder.

I'm sorry.

Louder.

Mallory!

All right.

Very, very nice.

Uh, now, uh...

why don't the two of you
shake hands and make up?

That was very nice.

Well, guess that
takes care of everything.

Not so fast!

What about you
and Dad making up?

I'm willing, if he is.

I am.

I consider us made up.

How about a hug?

A handshake?

It was a stupid fight.

Very.

Oh, honey.

(Elyse sighs)

We really should hurry.

I told Bernie Packer

we'd give him a ride
to the party.

Get him a mule.

Steven!

Elyse, you know
I don't like the man!

But it's raining!

What was I going to do,
tell him to take a bus?

No, no, he can ride in our car.

- I'll take the bus!
- Fine!

- Okay!
- Ooh!

- (thunder rumbling)
- (Alex groans)

This meeting is called
because of rain!

STEVEN:
Aah!

(soft, romantic jazz plays,
crowd chatter)

You dance divinely, my dear.

Likewise, I'm sure.

Don't you wish
there were some boys here?

No. I'm very happy with you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Truly, we're blessed.

Whoa! Mom! Dad!

(camera shutter clicks)

Perfect! That's a keeper.

Congratulations!

- Oh!
- Oh!

And my love to both of you
on this day of days.

Oh, thank you, Chaim.

Thank you, Chaim.

I often say to Chaim,

"Steven and Elyse due cuori
che battono come uno."

"They have two hearts
that b*at as one."

Thank you, Akila.

CHAIM: I never heard you
say that, Akila.

ALEX:
Whoa! Guys!

(camera shutter clicks)

Perfect. That's a keeper.

MAN:
Brrr!

(laughs)
Guess who!

That's a tough one.

Bernie Packer.

(laughs)
How'd you know?

Golly, Steven, how many years
has it been now... eight, nine?

Hey, Guido's, huh?
Nice place.

It's a lot like you, Steve...
luxury on a budget.

(Bernie laughs)

So, what's for supper?

Or, gee, was I supposed
to bring a bag lunch?

Brrr!

Oh, there she is!
There's the little bride!

- (Bernie laughs)
- Bernie, nice to see you!

Aw, golly, golly, golly, this is
just great, isn't it, guys?

Tell you what.
You two lucky kids...

you're going to spend a week...

that's seven days
and five nights...

(laughs)

...at my condo on Lake Erie!
(laughs)

- Uh, Bernie...
- Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

It's just 'cause
I love you, guy! Brrr!

You know, Bernie,
Steven doesn't like to let on,

but he feels
just the same way about you.

Once in a while, he gets
this faraway look in his eye,

and... and I say,
"Sweetie, what is it?"

And he said,
"Elyse, I miss Bernie Packer."

(band plays fanfare)

Okay, uh,
got to be out there somewhere.

Where are they?
Yes, there they are.

The anniversary couple
and our hosts for the evening...

come on to the dance floor,
Steve and Elyse... the Keatons!

Yay!

(band plays upbeat tune,
woman whoops)

I'm surprised you wanted
to dance with me.

I wasn't going to make a scene.

That's sweet.

(Elyse groans)

"That's sweet."

Do you know this last week,
living with you

has not exactly been a trip
to the beach!

Speaking of the beach,

we now have one in our kitchen,
thanks to you-know-who.

Yeah. Oh!

Now I'm responsible
for the rain?!

Well, you're certainly not
responsible for the sunshine.

That's it, Steven!
This dance is over!

Good! Then get off my feet!

Uh, excuse me. Excuse me.

I hate to break up
the festivities,

but, uh,
if I could have your attention,

my, uh... my sisters and I
would like to make a toast.

years ago today, they decided

they couldn't live
without each other,

and we're so glad
they felt like that.

When Shari Scharfer dumped me

for the captain
of the football team...

Dad taught me
how to throw a spiral,

and, uh, Mom taught me
how to tackle.

They took me ice skating
and held me up

when my ankles turned,
and, uh...

Mom was seven months pregnant
with Jennifer.

When nobody would buy
my Girl Scout cookies,

Mom and Dad bought them all.

They allowed
the Young Republicans

to meet at our house.

Though they probably wanted to,
they didn't say anything

when, uh,
Johnny Holmstead took me out.

He has blue hair and an earring.

But, uh, most important of all,

the way they respect each other,

the way they're open

to each other's feelings
and needs has, uh...

has taught us the values
by which we live our lives.

And we love them.

ALEX:
Mom, Dad...

ALL THREE:
Happy anniversary!

- Speech! Speech, Steven!
- Speech! Speech!

Come on, Steven, say something.

- BERNIE: Speech! Speech, Elyse!
- Speech! Speech!

(applause continues)

I'm embarrassed
and proud at the same time.

Me, too. (laughs) Uh...

- I...
- You...

I-I think
we should tell you that...

Steven and I have been fighting
all week.

Uh, we, uh...
we have been fighting

about, uh, all kinds of things.

- Yeah. - About, uh, uh,
the roof leaking, uh...

Oh, yeah. The...

About, uh, this party.

(Elyse laughs)

About, uh...

Brrr! Brrr!

About everything.

Thank you, Alex,
Mallory and Jennifer

for, uh... for showing
your mother and I

how foolish we've been.

I think we just forgot

how much
we care about each other.

How much we need each other.

I'm sorry, Elyse.

I'm sorry, too, Steven.

I love you.

(whispers):
I love you, too.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary!

- (Elyse laughs)
- Happy anniversary.

Wait! Wait!
No, it's not over.

Hit it, boys!

(band plays intro)

♪ Oh, how we danced ♪

♪ On the night ♪

(crowd joins in):
♪ We were wed ♪

♪ We vowed our true love ♪

♪ Though a word wasn't said. ♪

(camera shutter clicks)

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)