06x25 - The Boys Next Door

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



Want to buy a raffle ticket,
win a trip to Mexico?

It's for my school.

Ah, that sounds good.
How much are they?

Two dollars.

Yikes! Two dollars!

Wow. Two dollars.

I don't know
if I can swing that.

Let's see.

Boy, it's really fat.
You must be loaded.

(alarm blares)

(loudly): See that?

See what happens?

Just a minute.

(alarm chirps off)

All right.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You want to buy a raffle ticket,
win a trip to Mexico?

Sure.

If I sell more
than the other kids,

I get a bike.

Oh, in that case, Andy,
I'll take three.

I'll take three, also.

Alex only took one,
and that was a struggle.

I thought
I heard his wallet go off.

MALLORY:
Yeah.

- Hey, g*ng.
- Hi. - Hi.

Hi. Do you think
I should wear one of these

to my high school reunion?

I-I wore this to my graduation
party, and this one to my prom.

Oh, Mom, I love these.

I love antique dresses.

Excuse me?

Mom, come on.
You don't honestly think

you're going to fit
into either of those, do you?

Mom, what I mean is,
they-they...

they look...
they look too big for you.

You must have been beefy
in high school.

What are you going to wear, Dad?

Whichever one
your mother doesn't want.

Oh, cut it out, Steven.

He's just grumpy 'cause
he has to go to the reunion.

STEVEN:
Well, why shouldn't I be?

I don't know anyone.

Everyone will be clamoring
around her.

I'll be sitting in the corner,

sucking up punch
with some nerds.

This is so exciting, Mom...

your high school reunion.

I bet all your old boyfriends
are going to be there.

No, I didn't really
have many dates.

I was just waiting for my
Prince Charming to come around.

Hmm. Did he?

Oh. Dad. Right.

Come on, Elyse,

you were the most popular girl
in your high school.

You had millions of dates.

Not really.

What about
this Roger Erdman guy, huh?

He's been calling all week.

He insisted on coming over
to see you today.

"Eggy" Erdman? Please!

He was my next door neighbor.

Wait a minute... Roger Erdman.

Roger Erdman
of Erdman Enterprises?

That's the one.

Mom, that man is a genius!

His-his-his
computer software company

grossed $ million last year.

So what?

So...

(quietly): So you knew Roger
Erdman, and you married Dad?!

Why?

All right, that's it!
I'm not going!

Gown or no gown.

I can't believe
you knew Roger Erdman,

and you didn't tell me!

The things
you keep from me! You...

Who else do you know?

Lee lacocca?

No, just Eggy.

Well, what was he like?

Well, you know, he was kind of
a sweet, awkward guy.

He had the locker next to mine.

He could not close that locker

without catching some part
of his body in it.

He was a strange character.

He was really a nerd.

Hello.

(thud)

I know the type.

SKIPPY:
Uh,

do you guys mind
if I hang out here for a while?

It's kind of lonely at my house.

Where are your parents?

They went away for the weekend
on a skiing trip.

What about your girlfriend?

She went with them.

(knocking on door)

- ELYSE: Oh, my!
- STEVEN: Well, here he is.

- Eggy!
- Elysey!

Oh. Oh.

He's a little nerdy, isn't he?

...so there I was in school,
walking down the halls,

you know, carrying my books.

I always had a ton of books
with me,

because I had a lot of trouble
opening my locker.

Closing it was no picnic,
either, actually.

Anyway, I always...

- Uh, excuse me.
- Oh.

- Um, need some more coffee?
- Oh, thank you.

- Whoa, be careful!
- Oh, oh, oh!

- Thank you.
- There we go. There we go.

All right.

So I-I usually brought
everything I owned with me.

You know, I'd go down the halls
with my books, clothes,

microscope,
a dozen handkerchiefs,

my saxophone and an assortment
of dried fruits.

I should have had one
of those, uh, shopping carts,

but I wanted to be cool,
you know.

That is cool.

I'm-I'm getting rid
of my shopping cart.

You remind me of someone.

Anyway, I was a real
bully-magnet at school,

you know, a target
for book dumping.

Even the school nurse would
get in a sh*t now and again.

But I could always count on
good old Elysey to help me out,

to protect me, to tell me
to stand up for myself.

Do you remember uh, Vinnie...
Vinnie D'Agostino?

Yeah. Oh, he was tough.

I remember once
he held your head underwater

at the public pool.

Yes, he did,
and it was uncalled for,

considering
he was the lifeguard on duty.

Mr. Erdman...

Mr. Erdman,
may I ask you a question?

Certainly,
but please call me Eggy.

I prefer not to, sir.

I-I-I... I don't think that...

that that's suitable for someone

of your standing
in the business community.

Uh, I could call you...
I could call you Mr. Eggy.

Fine. That's what
my Mom calls me.

I'm intrigued...

by your wealth.
Um...

Where did it come from,
how did you get it,

and, um...
will you share it with me?

Alex, I'll be honest with you.

I-I never dreamed I'd have
this much money, you know?

Uh, as a matter of fact,
when I was a kid,

I was actually a bit of a nerd.

(Elyse laughs)

But I was a tremendous nerd.

What was that like?

Take a wild guess, Skip.

Well, anyway,
it would have been miserable

if it weren't
for Elyse Donnelly,

the most popular girl in the
school, and she was my friend.

- (Steven chuckles gently)
- Yeah.

You want to buy a raffle ticket?

Oh, sure.

- Uh, how much are they?
- Two dollars.

Oh, two dollars.

All right, I'll take one.

Just one?
Alex said you were loaded.

He's confused.
He's confused.

What I... what I said was that

you may be... quite well off.

You said $ million,

not counting what he's probably
hiding from the IRS.

The things that come out
of this kid's mouth,

I'm... I'm telling you.

(alarm blares)

(alarm chirps off)

So I just used
to stay up in my room

and make up all these imaginary
games and puzzles and tricks,

and you know,
they became the nucleus

of my Ledgermatic
Computer Software System.

Ah. Aha.

Getting back to your wealth...

Alex, come on, I've described it
to you in every way possible.

It's-it's large, it's paper,
it's green,

let's greet it now... money!

Hey! Yeah. Okay.

All right.
Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Uh, um, do you ever...

do you ever just kind of lay it
out and-and roll around in it?

I bathe in it.

Alex, please, I don't want
to talk about money.

All right. Okay.
All right, all right, all right.

Um, this... this, uh...

this... this is not about money.

Well, that's a giant
breakthrough

in our relationship.

This is about life.

Go ahead.

Will you adopt me?

Come on, Alex, you have

a-a full, complete,
loving family here.

Yeah. Yes.

I think I've gotten everything
I can out of the situation.

Let's run away together.

Look, you may not want
to hear this,

but money is not all
that it's cracked up to be.

See...

It is not a sure ticket
to happiness.

All you guys with money
say that.

And then you go home
to your mansions,

and you laugh hysterically.

I want to be with you guys.

I want to laugh with you.

I am so ready to be rich.

You have no idea.

No, I have
a good sense of it, Alex.

I'll tell you what:
Why don't I just give you

a couple of million,
we'll call it even?

I love you.

Uh, you knew him
before Dad, and yet you...

Why am I torturing myself?

You have a beautiful
family there, Elyse.

Steven, Andrew, the girls...
young Mr. Scrooge.

Thank you.

Boy, I can't believe that you're
actually here in my house.

Well, look at you!
You look so grown up.

Your hair is combed,

your shoes are actually
on the right feet...

Yes. That's one
of the advantages of being rich.

I hired a man that takes care of
that before I leave the house.

He's very good.

So happy for you,
for everything that's happened.

For all the success
you've achieved.

I always told you
you could do it, didn't I?

Yes, you did, Elysey.

You were the only one.

So, you proud
of your little Eggy?

You bet! (laughs)

My God, Elyse, you're more
beautiful than I remember.

Ah, you say that
to all the girls.

There are no other girls.
There's only you.

Oh, Eggy.

Do you remember... we did
our act on the talent night

of the Senior Follies?

Yeah...

Remember, we-we wore
those matching outfits?

- (Elyse laughs) -God, those were
beautiful dresses.

You had a run in your stocking.

That night is so clear to me!

Uh, it was in the gymnasium,
the lights went down,

and the announcer got up
and said:

(echoing): "Attention seniors,
seniors, seniors...

"And now, now...
the South Sandusky, Sandusky...

"High School Entertainment
Committee, Committee...

"proudly presents

"sents... sents...
Elyse Donnelly, ly, ly, ly...

"and Roger...

"Is this thing on?
I don't think it's on.

"Erdman... man, man...

"the Doo-Wop Twins...
ins, ins...

"with their rock and roll
rendition... ion... ion...

of 'Dream Lover! '
Lover, Lover!"

♪ Dream lover ♪

♪ Where were you? ♪

♪ Dream lover
with a love so true... ♪

We were so good that night!

Good? We were incredible!

Remember the hand we got?

Yeah, I remember
a couple of people booed.

Well, my parents never liked
that sort of thing.

Then... then we rushed off
into the wings, and...

and you kissed me.

No. Did I?

Yeah.

Right here.

For a long time, I was thinking
of having it framed.

It was such fun.

Let's do it again.

We've got to do it again.

I've been practicing.

Do it again... remember?

♪ Splish splash,
I was taking a bath ♪

- Eggy...
- ♪ Long about a Saturday night ♪

- Oh!
- ♪ Ding dang... ♪

We did it! It's over!

I mean, come on, we're not
in high school anymore.

You got to grow up.

Oh, don't look at me
like that, Eggy.

You don't think
I've grown up, Elyse?

I-I didn't mean anything by it.

- I... - You're sorry
I came, though, huh?

No, I'm not.
I'm glad to see you.

It's just that it's...
it's years later,

I don't feel like splish-
splashing with you, that's all.

You say that to a Doo-Wop Twin?

You have changed. Boy!

Let's-let's drop it, okay?

Let me make you a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich

and a raw egg for dessert...
you've always loved that.

No, thanks. I've eaten.

And if you haven't noticed,
Elyse Donnelly,

I have grown up.

I'm not the same Eggy you knew.

I'm a new, improved Eggy.

One that won't be bothering you

with silly little memories
of a time

you'd evidently rather forget.

Far as I'm concerned,
high school never existed.

See you at the reunion!

♪ Dream lover ♪

♪ I can't go on... ♪

VOCALIST:
♪ Everybody needs... ♪

ELYSE: I can't believe
I feel so nervous about this.

What if no one remembers me?

How do you think I feel?

There's no chance
anyone's gonna remember me.

I'm just afraid someone
will remember me

and lock me in the girls'
bathroom all night.

Probably go sign in here.

Uh, excuse me. Hi. I...

Elyse Donnelly!
I can't believe it!

You look exactly the same.

- Bob Dunphy.
- Bob!

Hi! Hi!

Hi, Elyse.
Norma Coleman.

I was hoping you'd show up.

It's great to see you guys!

This is Roger Erdman.

Eggy? No, it can't be... your
shoes are on the right feet.

(laughter)

And this... this...

Yeah, we know who this is...
Danny Wasserstein!

No, I'm Steven Keaton.

Nah, get out of here!

You're Danny Wasserstein,
class clown!

Uh, I-I'm Steven Keaton,
Elyse's husband.

Yeah, sure,
and I'm Ethel Merman.

(Bob laughing)

Elyse, is he
Danny Wasserstein, or what?

How you been, Danny?

Hey, everybody,
it's Elyse Donnelly,

Eggy Erdman
and Danny Wasserstein!

(clamoring)

- Danny, how are you?
- Danny, how you doing?

I-I'm not Danny!

(hysterical laughter)

Hi.

Remember me? The prom?

After the prom?

Danny Wasserstein.

(band playing bright
dance melody)

Hey, listen, Eggy,
I'm really sorry

about holding you underwater
in the community pool that time.

It's no problem, Vinnie;
I was asking for it...

sitting on a beach chair,
reading the Bible.

(song ends)

Welcome back,
South Sandusky Class of ' !

(cheering)

And now it's time to meet
our class celebrities.

Now, whatever became
of Mr. Most Athletic,

Wally Carello? Wally!

(cheering)

What a hunk, huh?
Whoa, whoa!

And...

whatever happened
to Mr. Class Clown...

he's a panic...
Crazy Danny Wasserstein?

(cheering)

(whistling, whooping)

(hysterical laughter)

BOB:
Yeah, what a nut, huh?

Oh...

And I know this lady's out here.

Where is Miss Homecoming Queen,
Captain of the Cheerleaders,

Captain of the Swim Team,
Captain of the Wrestling Team,

Miss Elyse Donnelly?

(cheering)

(whooping, wolf whistles)

And the guy voted
Least Likely to Succeed,

who's probably
more successful than anybody

in this room,
who I'd like to talk to

afterwards about an auto center
I'd like to purchase...

where is Roger "Eggy" Erdman?

(cheering)

Wait, hold on, hold on.

You know, I'm wondering,
is there anybody out there

who remembers a group
called the Doo-Wop Twins?

- (excited chatter) -Do you
remember what they did for us

during Senior Follies?
Come on! Doo-Wop!

CROWD (chanting):
Doo-Wop! Doo-Wop! Doo-Wop!

(rock intro plays)

♪ Splish splash,
I was taking a bath ♪

♪ Long about a Saturday night ♪

♪ Rub-a-dub,
just relaxin' in the tub ♪

♪ Thinking everything
was all right ♪

♪ Well, I stepped out
of the tub ♪

♪ Put my feet on the floor ♪

♪ I wrapped the towel around me
and I opened the door ♪

♪ And then, ooh, splish splash,
I jumped back in the bath ♪

♪ Well, how was I to know
there was a party going on? ♪

♪ There was a-splishin'
and a-splashin' ♪

♪ Rollin' and a-strollin' ♪

♪ Movin' and a-groovin' ♪

♪ Reelin' with the feelin' ♪

♪ Splish splash,
I jumped back in the bath ♪

♪ Well, how was I to know
there was a party going on? ♪

(saxophone soloing)

♪ Splishin' and a-splashin' ♪

♪ A-splashin' ♪

♪ Rollin' and a-strollin' ♪

♪ Rollin' and a-strollin' ♪

♪ Movin' and a-groovin' ♪

♪ Movin', groovin' ♪

♪ Reelin' and feelin' ♪

♪ Reelin' with the feelin' ♪

♪ Splishin' and a-splashin' ♪

♪ Rockin' and a-rollin' ♪

♪ Splish splash,
I was taking a bath! ♪

ELYSE:
Whoo!

(band riffing)

(song ends)

(cheering)

(laughs)
Eggy, that was great!

We did it!
It was great!

(Elyse sighs)

Oh, Roger!

Elyse... Wait, Elyse!

Guess who won the raffle
and the trip to Mexico.

Who?

Buenas noches,
my little burrito.

No, Skippy,
I am not your little burrito.

Oh, come on, Mal,
why don't you just wing up

to sunny Mexico with me?

Mexico's not up, Skippy.

Wh-Where is it, down?

It's out there somewhere.

Well, I don't care,
as long as you know where it is.

Buenos días, my little burrito.

Yeah, buenos días to you, my...

young and faithful enchilada.

Skippy won the raffle
at Andy's school.

(maracas rattling)

Hey, wait a min... Andy!

Andy, you told me
I was gonna win that.

I tell everybody that.

Bandito.

Hi, g*ng.

Hey, how did it go?

Not that great.

I was a big hit, but, uh...

your mother and Eggy
had a little run-in.

Mom, how could you?!
The man is a millionaire!

Maybe a trip to Mexico
would make you feel better?

I don't know,
I'm-I'm not in the mood.

ALEX:
Hi.

Honey, I think we'll all be
in the other room.

How about you, Mr. Keaton?

Would you like to go
to Mexico with me?

Which weekend is it, Skippy?

Whatever she did,
she didn't mean it.

Forgive me, Elyse.

When I, when I saw you,
it brought everything back.

I was again, and so were you.

We're not, though.

You know, we're not , we're...

well, I'm almost .

And strangely, I'm .

You were always
a little different.

Seeing you has brought this
all back to me, too, Eggy...

you know, growing up together,
the old neighborhood,

your old apartment
on Steuben Avenue.

Steuben Avenue.

- Yeah.
- Apartment -A.

My parents, next-door,
in apartment -B.

I used to wait for you
at the bus stop

to come back
from cheerleading practice.

Remember? I used
to carry your pom-poms.

- Oh, yeah... - And sometimes
the guys would whistle at me.

- Uh-huh...
- And sometimes I'd whistle back.

And when we got home, we'd
practice the cheers together.

- You remember?
- Yeah.

Remember? S-A-N-D...

Please don't do the whole thing.

...Usky!

- Thanks.
- I'm-I'm just... I'm sorry.

I was way, way out of line.

I-I-I... I got crazy.

I had no business doing
what I did; no business.

I'm a married woman.

How serious is it?

Danny Wasserstein and I
are very much in love.

I know.

Of course I do, and I...

I'm very happy about it;
I... really, I am.

It's what you deserve.

Oh, Eggy.

It's just that I've thought
about you all these years.

And every time I dreamt
about the moment we'd meet...

it always ended in a kiss.

Well, I've thought
about you, too,

and the moment
that we would meet,

and it always ended
in a minor injury.

You thought about me? Really?

Well, yeah, sure.

Ah, I love that.

See, when I think about you,

I think that all my success

and the great things
that have happened to me

have a lot to do with you.

Your having believed in Eggy
meant the world to me.

Ah. You weren't hard
to believe in.

You were a good friend.

You're definitely,
seriously married, huh?

(Elyse laughs)

That's what I always
loved about you...

you could always make me laugh.

You could always bring out
the silly side in me.

I could bring out the silly side
in Attila the Hun.

Well, you know how,
when I was a little kid,

I used to always take myself
a little too seriously.

I could never have done
"Splish Splash"

with anyone but you.

You-you taught me

it was okay to be silly,
that it could be fun.

I've carried that
throughout my whole life.

It helps when
you have four kids.

So there's...

still a little Eggy
left in your life, huh?

There is.

That's good.

I like that.

So...

you made me believe in myself...

and I made you silly.

It's a fair trade, believe me.

It was great to see you, Elysey.

It was great to see you, too.

Eggy...

This one I'm definitely framing.

(Elyse laughs gently)

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)