06x28 - Father, Can You Spare a Dime?

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



Okay, Andy, here's your pop
sticks and here's your glue.

What are you going to make?

A mess.

Come on, Andy.

What did Nick teach you
in art class?

He taught me to let
your artistic ideas

spill out all over the place.

Sure.

That's because he doesn't
have to clean it up.

I want to make
a present for Nick.

I'm going to miss my art class.

I know you are, Andy.

Why does it have to end?

Well, 'cause the
community center needs the space

and the class was only
for six weeks anyway,

so it has to end.

I can't work
under these conditions.

Hi, guys.

Well, this was a successful trip
to the supermarket!

And good news.

There was a special
on turkey franks.

It was not a special.

Sure there was.

Buy , get one free.

What's all this stuff?

Oh, Andy's making
a farewell gift for Nick.

A farewell gift for Nick?

Let me help.

Dad, relax.

Nick's not going anywhere.

It's just that
his art class is ending.

That's such a shame.

You know, I picked up Andy
there last week,

and-and I saw Nick teaching.

He's wonderful with those kids.

And he's not taking this
sitting down.

He wants to start
his own art school.

He went to the bank today
to get a loan.

A loan? They won't even
give him a calendar.

Don't laugh.
Alex went with him.

I think he really has a chance.

ALEX:
Just explain to me, Nick,

explain to me
how you could do that, okay?

You completely blew it.

What happened?

What happened,
we go down to the bank,

my favorite bank;
they love me there.

I mean, the bank manager's got
a picture of me on his desk.

So what went wrong?

Hey-hey, I don't know.

I-I walk into the bank,

I go up to the guy
behind the counter,

and I say,
"I need $ , and quick."

So?

So he rang the alarm.

I had to identify him

to the police.

I hope the bank invites me

to the annual money fondling
picnic again.

Well, I guess that's the end
of the art school.

This seems so wrong.

I mean, all you need is $ , .

You know, I don't think
you have any other choice.

There's only one place to go

to get this money,
and you know it.

Where's that?

To your father.

- (whispers): Yes.
- (whispers): Thank God.

Uh, no way.

I told you, he and I
are not on speaking terms.

There is no way
that I am asking him.

Okay, everybody,
paint brushes down!

All right, all right.

Let's check it out,
see what we got here, huh?

Whoa.

Hey, you know something?

We're good.

You know something?

You're right, we are good.

This is great, huh?

Anyway, next week,

we are going to do collages.

What about the week after that?

There isn't going to be
any week after that, honey.

Class is over then.

(kids groaning)

Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey.

But that does not mean

you guys got to stop
doing your work, right?

Okay, now come on.

Let's get your coats
and everything.

Everybody find your moms.
Bye-bye.

- We'll see you next week.
- KIDS: Bye.

Nick, I already did my work.

Oh, hey, Andy.

This is very creative.

You got, let me see,
a house with a tree,

and a, uh, birdie
mowing the lawn.

That's not a bird.

- That's Dad.
- Oh.

Really?

I thought that was your mother.

Oh, no, no, that's definitely
you, Mr. Keaton.

Uh, check out the spindly legs.

Always a pleasure, Nick.

Hey, bye-bye, Andy.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, Mr. Keaton.

Bye-bye, art class.

Nick, you can't let this happen.

You've got to keep teaching.

Well, Mal,
what am I going to do?

How about your father?

Oh, no, no, no.

He is not going to help me.

He has to, Nick;
that's the rule.

Fathers have to help
their children.

Mal, he walked out on us
when I was years old.

Well, do you know
where he is now?

Yeah, sure.

He's got a, uh,
used car lot downtown.

Joe Moore's Motors.

Joe Moore?!

The one on TV?!

I love his commercials!

Especially the one

where he walks on top
of the cars wearing stilts.

How does he do that?

I don't know.

He used to do that at home, too.

Nick, a lot of time has passed.

I mean, maybe he's changed.

Nick, give him a call.

If-if he doesn't want
to see you, fine, forget it.

But if he does, then maybe
you can work something out.

Hey, my old man here yet?

No, no.

Come on in.

Look, uh, Alex,
I hope you don't mind me

having this little
family reunion here.

You know, Mal thought
it would be a good idea

for me and my father to meet
on neutral territory.

Nick, let me
tell you something, okay?

This is our living room.

Switzerland is
neutral territory.

But, uh, listen, seeing as
your father's coming over,

and-and he has that-that lot
full of used cars,

wonder if you could
mention to him

that I just, I happen to be
in the market for, uh,

for a very reliable, I mean,

I mean, bargain-priced,
rock bottom,

almost free... Jaguar.

Look, Alex, Alex,
you don't understand.

Me and my old man,
we don't get along.

You know, I ain't got nothing
to talk to him about.

You don't know how lucky you are

to have a dad who loves you.

You know, a dad with class.

A dad you can be proud of.

Turkey franks, anyone?

I got turkey frank pâté.

I got turkey frank meatballs.

And my personal favorite,
turkey Frank Sinatra.

You were saying, Nick?

(doorbell rings)

That's him! That's him!

Now wait a minute.
Don't get...

Oh, my God, Dad!

Now, just 'cause this man
is on television

is no reason to get crazy.

Dad! Just act natural,
all right?

Everybody, you hear me?

Just act natural.

Okay?

Okay, hey.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Stand back.

I'm going to open the door now.

Are we greeting your father
or molten lava?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

My God, Elyse,
they're speaking Nick-anese.

Look at you.

You look great!

Yeah, you look great, too.

Yeah.

I don't see what the problem is.

They seem to agree
on everything.

Hey, hey-ey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I think they're summing up now.

Joe, I'd like you to meet
Mrs. And Mr. Keaton.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Alex and Jennifer.

- Hey.
- Hey.

And my lovely girlfriend,
Mallory.

Mallory.

- I love your work.
- Yeah.

Uh, now you met me,

I want you to meet
my better half, uh, my car.

Oh.

- Ain't she a beauty?
- (whistles)

I call her Marie.

You got yourself
a good woman there, Joe.

Uh, you know,
if you like her so much,

she just happens to have a twin
down at the lot, name of Joann.

Joann recently passed
her emissions test.

Joe, Joe, Joe, these people
do not want to buy a car.

Hey, don't go nuts, okay?

It's a reflex.

I sell, I sell. Huh?

Okay.

- Uh, excuse me, uh, Joe.
- Yeah?

Uh, listen,
I was just wondering.

How much would
a couple of classy girls

like Marie and, uh, and Joann
set a guy like me back?

Emotionally,
I don't think I can bear

to part with either one of them.

But $ ,
might help me compensate

for any severe
separation anxieties.

Well, well, why don't
we all sit down and, uh,

get to know each other, huh?

That's a good idea, Nick.

You always were the one
with the brains in the family.

How-how about
an hors d'oeuvre, Joe?

Oh, I don't mind if I do.

Oh, look at that, turkey franks.

They're gorgeous.

Ah, if I have one,
I got to have a million.

(chuckles)

Well, you came
to the right house.

Look, Joe,
about this business proposition.

Uh, what I want to do
is start a...

Business later.

The night is young.

Look, look, look, Joe,
this is very simple,

and I would really like
to get it out of the way, okay?

Nicky...

you miss your old man, huh?

Come over here. Come here.

Give me a hug.
Give me a hug.

I don't feel like it.

Hey, come on.

Give me a hug.

Come on.

There.

Hey.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute.

What's this?

It's a bread box for Nick.

A bread box?
Wait a minute, I thought...

I thought we decided
what we were going to make

for Nick's farewell present.

Huh? What did we say
we were going to make?

The Reagan Ranch.

That's right, that's right.

I got the plans right here.

I even... now this is great...

even have plans
for a little, uh,

a little pop stick Ron
and a little pop stick Nancy.

How about a pop stick jail
for his cabinet?

Yeah, okay.

I get it, I get it.

The minute I leave, you guys,

you guys turn on me,
you change your mind.

All right, that's fine.

I don't need you guys.

I will build
my own Reagan Ranch.

I will build my own
pop stick empire.

(sarcastic laugh)

Oh, no, you don't.
No, you don't.

I stayed up all night eating
ice cream pops for those sticks!

Nick, I'm so excited.

We're going to see
Dalmatians for the st time!

Quick-quick-quick,
turn on the TV.

- I don't want to miss
any of the barking. - Okay.

(banjo playing over TV)

JOE (over TV):
This is Joe

"I've got a cherry of a deal
for you" Moore.

(chuckles)

At Joe Moore Motors,
you get more.

More value, more quality,

more car
for your car-buying buck.

Oh, God, this is embarrassing.

I got to turn it down.

Oh, Nick, you have to be
a little bit more understanding.

I mean, Joe does things
the best way he knows how.

I mean, granted, he's not
the classiest guy in the world.

I mean, he's not you.

You see, that's just it.

You know, you caught
all the breaks.

Your dad's smart,
your dad's intellectual,

your dad's distinguished.

Oh, boy! Dalmatians.

(clears throat)

Did I miss any barking?

You see, Mal? You see?

My father never did
anything like this with me.

You know, Mr. Keaton,

in a way, my father's
not my father.

You're my father.

Oh, Nick.

Don't say that.

- (doorbell rings)
- I'll get it.

- (shrieks)
- JOE: Hey, sir or madam!

Guess who.
I'll give you a hint.

It's me!

(laughs)

Joe, you're so funny!

I brought presents.

Uh, personalized mud flaps
for everybody.

- Oh!
- Hey! Ooh.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you. Thank you, Joe.

I'm-I'm going to run these
mud flaps up to Elyse.

Uh, our anniversary's coming up.

Congratulations.

Joe, tell me,
what kind of transportation

could a fellow get for $ ?

You can get on a bus to Haiti.

(chuckles)

Okay, all right.

I'll come back when you, when
you stop kidding around, huh?

- Okay. Thanks.
- All right.

And for you, Nick,
I got something special.

Me.

Huh?

Oh, hey, thanks, Joe.

I ain't got nothing like this.

How about I take you two out
to dinner at the Fish Shanty?

You remember
the Fish Shanty, huh?

- No.
- Come on!

It was your favorite restaurant.

I took you there once.

Yeah, yeah, right, I remember.

Beautiful time.

No.

No, I didn't have
such a beautiful time

at the Fish Shanty.

As I remember, you met up with
a couple of your buddies, uh,

started drinking, and you had to
have the waiter drive me home.

It's funny.
I don't remember it that way.

Well, that's the way
it happened.

Look, why don't we forget
talking about the good old days

and, uh, talk about
my art school, okay?

Well, you could talk about it
over dinner.

Somehow, I lost my appetite.

Oh.

Uh, Nick.

Hmm?

I'll tell you what.

Tomorrow afternoon,
come down to the lot.

You tell me what your needs are,
I'll make out a check for you.

(door closes)

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

Very clever indeed.

You really pinned me
to the wall on this one.

Uh, let's see what we have here.

With the rebate,
the dealer warranty, and...

No!

. financing.

Oh, you get one cherry
of a deal, my good friend,

at , .

I beg to differ, my good friend.

But the automobile in question,

if squeezed
into a glass of water,

would produce a tangy and
refreshing glass of lemonade.

.

You insult me, my dear friend.

And yet,
I take no personal offense.

The car does have
a certain citrus quality...

...which may be easier
to swallow at the paltry price

of , .

A good price
and a wonderful year.

, .

Hey.

Alex, what are you doing here?

I'm trying to buy an automobile,

but, uh, Joe and I
aren't seeing eye-to-eye.

Careful, he's a snake.

Hey, don't worry, Mal,
I can take care of this guy.

I was talking to Joe.

Alex, I'll tell you
what I want you to do.

I want you to take her out
for a test drive.

I know you're going to love
the way she handles.

Just don't turn right.

Ah.

Okay, Nicky, what do you need?

, .

, .

It's really great
what you're doing for Nick, Joe.

It really means a lot to him.

Here you go, son.

$ , .

Hey, uh, thanks, Joe.

I really appreciate this.

Uh, I'll make sure
I get it back to you.

Excuse me, Mallory.

I would like to have
a private moment with my son.

Oh, sure, sure.

I-I'll just go join Alex.

Yes, I see him out there
going around in circles.

So, uh, what do you want, Joe?

I just gave you , smackers.

Don't call me "Joe,"
call me "Dad."

I don't know.

It's not easy.

- I'm your father, right?
- Yeah, you're my father.

I brought you
into this world, right?

Yeah, and I've been meaning
to thank you for that.

You can thank me.

You can thank me
by calling me "Dad."

Hey, hey, let's not start this,
all right? What's the point?

We both know
what's gone down between us.

In other words,
you're going to take the money

and you're going to be off
on your sweet way?

Is that what it is?

Well, what else is there
here for me, huh?

There's me, Nicky.

Oh, come on, Joe.

Who are you kidding, huh?

I was there.

I was there
the day you walked out.

What is with you, huh?

Are you determined not to
forgive me, no matter what I do,

no matter what I say,
no matter nothing?!

Huh?!

You don't understand me!

You don't know
my side of the story!

Oh, yeah?

What is your side of the story?

Okay, you want to know
my side of the story?

I'm going to tell you!

Your mother and I
never loved each other, okay?

We got married because
she was pregnant with you.

We tried to make it work, Nicky.

Believe me, we tried.

We did everything we could do,
but there was no way.

But that's all in the past now.

Can't we get beyond this point?

Maybe you can, but I can't.

I was years old the day
you walked out that door.

And that was my childhood,
the only one I'll ever have,

and there was no father there!

Hey!

You called, I came.

You said you needed money,
I gave you a check.

What else do you want from me?

Not this.

Well, this happens to be

a particularly
interesting collage.

Uh, we got a man's head
on a kangaroo's body.

Anybody know what we call that?

KIDS:
No.

A mangaroo.

(kids laugh)

All right, all right, everybody,

it's time to call it quits.

(kids groaning)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I am not that happy
about it, either.

And I'm going to miss
each and every one of you.

But I got a very special present

for all of you
over here on the table.

So make sure you pick one up
before you go, all right?

Hey-ey!

I'll see you later, all right?

- You take care.
- Bye, Nick.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

Nick, I have a present for you.

- Whoa.
- It's a breadbox.

Oh, great, Andy.

Thanks.

Take care, buddy.

Nick...

...this is for you.

It's the Reagan Ranch.

Buddy, thanks.

(grunting)

No, forget it, Nick!
Forget it, Nick!

I worked all night on this!
This is mine, okay?!

This is my ranch, all right?
This is mine.

I'm taking this, too.
I want this, too.

- How are you, Joe?
- Hey. - Hey, Joe.

Uh, what is this, some kind of
kids' coloring center?

Well, uh, in a manner
of speaking.

So, uh, Nick is
the chief colorer?

He's very talented and
he's wonderful with children.

Oh, yeah?
A chip off the old block, huh?

I got a way with kids.

Hey, kid, you got a smoke?

- Nick. Nick.
- Huh?

Look who's here.

Hi. I'm really glad
you could come, Joe.

Yeah, Mallory.

Have a seat.

Huh.

(clears throat)

So, you're a teacher, huh?

Who would have ever thought a
son of mine would be a teacher?

You know, Nick,
when you were born,

I just had one dream for you:

That you'd turn out
to be better than me.

No, I never wanted
to be better than you.

You're my dad.

I looked up to you.

I just wanted you to be around.

I just wanted you to be there

to teach me things,
like how to throw a ball

or how to ask a girl out
or how to dance.

Hey, it's not too late.

What do you want to learn,
the mambo, the cha-cha,

the hunky-dory chicky-dory?

Hey.

Huh?

Hey-hey, I am serious here,
you know?

This may be a big joke to you,

but this is my life
we're talking about.

All right, all right.

So I was a lousy father,
all right?

So I fooled around,
I went to the track,

I went to the pool hall.

You know what hurt me?

Is that you just
forgot about me.

I never forgot you, Nick.

I followed everything
you ever did.

I went to every one of your art
shows when you weren't there,

because I didn't think
you wanted to see me.

You did that?

Yeah.

You remember the first painting
you ever sold?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, Woman With
Half- Eaten Burger.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's hanging
in my living room.

- You bought it?
- Yeah.

I went home last night
after you came to the lot,

and I'm looking at it.

And I realized,
unless I work things out,

that would be the only thing
I ever have of you.

Nicky, I want to start again.

But I want to start right
this time.

I want that, too.

How about we go out
for some fish and talk?

I mean, really talk.

Yeah, I'd like that.

By the way, I still got
that check for your school.

And this time,
you're going to take it.

How can I say no... Dad?

Yeah. Ah.

MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)