07x04 - Undercover Lover

[bunniefuu]

♪ Now the world don't move ♪

♪ To the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born he's
a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot so what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours ♪

♪ And I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine ♪

♪ Because it takes diff'rent
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪

- I'm sure glad Mr. D
bought this telescope.

- Yeah, hey, there's
the Chrysler Building.

Oh, and there's that new
condo down the street.

Yeah, there's a lady in a towel.

- There's a lady
wearing a towel?

- (gasps) Oops, not anymore.

- Let me see.

- No, your eyes are too young.

- Please let me look, I
promise I'll keep my eyes shut.

(audience laughing)

- That movie was fun.
- Yeah, fun.

Restaurant was good.
- Yeah, good.

- Hey, wanna watch TV?

- TV again?

Oh, sure, why not.

- Hi Willis, hi Shari.

- Hi Arnold.
- Hi.

- Hi, Sam.

- You don't have to yell
at us for bothering you,

we're going to get
something to eat.

- Yeah, cantaloupe
would be more exciting

than watching you guys.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Well, I mean you guys have
been dating a few months,

and well, things
sure have changed.

I mean, you used to
come home from a date,

sit on that couch,
and it was sizzle time.

- Sizzle.

- These days,
it's just fizzle time.

- Fizzle.

- That's ridiculous.

- No it's not.

I used to spend hours
peeking at you guys.

When friends have stayed
over, I'd charge them money

just to get a peek at you.

- You didn't.

- I did.

Your lips put me in
a higher tax bracket.

- Well these lips are still hot.

I mean, when we kiss we
set off every smoke alarm

in the building.

- Hot?

(scoffs) Come on, Sam, let's
go before the fire department

shows up and find
out it's a false alarm.

(audience laughing)

- Those guys are
nuts, no sizzle, ha.

- Yeah, ha.

(audience laughing)

Willis, I think we'd
better have a long talk.

- I guess it's over, isn't it?

- Look, I'll see you in school.

- Right.

- Willis, I heard you
and Shari out here,

and I thought you
might want some coffee.

- No, thanks anyway,
Pearl, but Shari's gone.

- Oh, another time, perhaps.

- No, no, she's gone for good.

- You broke up?

Oh, come on, Willis,
you'll get over it in no time.

Why, when I broke
up with Romano,

it only took me three months.

Three long months.

Three long, gut-busting,
tearful, pitiful, wrenching months.

And of course, with a
year and a half of therapy.

(audience laughing)

Oh Willis, you poor guy.

Thank you.

- Yeah, that was fun, too.

Oh, hi Willis.

We just ran into
Shari in the hallway.

- She's the sweetest
thing, you'd be a fool

not to hang on to her.

- That's him, Willis
what-kind-of-fool-am-I Jackson.

- What does that mean,
what happened, Willis?

- Well dad, Shari and I
had a really long, open,

and mature discussion
about our relationship.

And we decided we needed a
little vacation from each other.

- She dumped him.

(audience laughing)

- Willis, is that true?

- Well, Shari and I, I guess
we just lost the excitement.

I don't know what to do, dad.

- Face it, Willis,
you're boring.

(audience laughing)

You've bored Charlene,
you've bored Shari.

You're just a walking
bottle of Sominex.

(audience laughing)

- If I'm boring, you
don't have a pulse.

- Alright now, cool
it, cool it Arnold.

Listen, Willis, this isn't
the worst thing in the world.

At your age, you should
be out there exploring,

playing the field, isn't
that right, Maggie?

- That's right, Willis, why
you're only 18 years old.

There are a lot more
fish in the ocean.

- Yeah Willis, play the field.

That way, you can get
dumped by everybody.

(audience laughing)
- Arnold, Sam, upstairs.

- Willis, why this long face?

You'll find somebody
else in no time.

- That's right, you've
got so much to offer.

- Yeah, that's right,
you're good-looking.

- Awfully handsome.

- Yeah?

- Sure, and what a personality.

- And that great sense of humor.

- Yeah.

- Oh sure, you don't wanna
keep yourself out of circulation.

- Yeah, that's right, dad.

It wouldn't be fair
to all those girls.

- That's the spirit.

- What do you say, son?

- I say I'm gonna
go for it, dad.

I'm talking pulling
out all the stops now.

- Oh no, not the designer socks.

(audience laughing)

- That's right, I'm gonna
pull out the big g*ns now.

I'm talking my Franco
DeAngelo knee-highs.

- Hey, that's the
way to impress her.

- Thanks dad, Maggie,
tomorrow when I go to school

I'm gonna find me a new girl.

I'm talking search and destroy
and take no prisoners, yeah.

Hi.

How you doing?

I'm a free man, spread the word,

Willis Jackson is up for grabs.

Of course, you know that.

- Go get 'em, tiger.

- Girl's crazy about me.

- I heard she dumped you.

- It was a mutual dump.

- Hey Jackson, check
out the new chick.

Pretty nice.

- Bo Derek's nice, this is
d*ed and gone to heaven.

No, she qualifies for
Dr. Love's new patient,

and the doctor is in
and about to operate.

- Hey, dudes.
- Hey, Skyhigh, Weasel.

- I got some snow here
that's really primo, man.

- That's primo, primo.

- Hey, this stuff is so good,
even you straight clowns

would wanna get a taste.

- Pass.
- Forget it.

- Okay, your loss is
somebody else's high.

- Right, Wease?
- Huh?

Right, right,
Skyhigh, always right.

Except for that time
you paid a grand

for that talcum powder.

(snickering) (audience laughing)

I liked the talcum powder.

- Jerks.

Okay, watch out, I'm
about to make her day.

(audience laughing)

Hi, I'm Willis.
- I'm Denise.

I've seen you around,
you're pretty cute.

- Yeah I know, I can't help it.

- The bashful type, huh?

- I'm trying to overcome it.

- Don't, I like bashful.

- Then you'll love me.

Listen, Denise, since
you're new around here,

I'm gonna show you the ropes.

There's only two things you
need to know about this school,

never eat the meat loaf, and
when it comes to guys, I'm it.

- Oh, tell me more
about the meat loaf.

- So, what are you into, Denise?

- A lot of things,
rapping, dancing, skiing.

- Alright.

- And, I also like to get
high every once in a while.

How about you?

- You mean dr*gs?

- Well sure.

You do do dr*gs,
don't you, Willis?

- Sure, all the time.

- I can believe that.

You must've been ripped
when you bought those socks.

- Yeah.

(audience laughing)

So Denise, how about we'll
meet at Eddie's after school

for a soda?

- Oh, that sounds like fun.

But I might like
something a little stronger.

- Well, I'll see what I can
do, I got all the connections.

- Really?

- That's right, stick with me.

- I'm stuck.

See you later.
- Right.

- dr*gs, you?

You still have to take
your aspirin in apple sauce.

(audience laughing)

Why do you wanna get wrapped up

with a girl like
that for anyway?

- Listen, I can handle it.

I'll be okay.

- Give me a quarter,
and I'll let you see

Halley's Comet when it comes.

- I heard Halley's Comet
is gonna blow up the world.

- Right, that's why I'm
gonna charge you in advance.

(audience laughing)

(doorbell ringing)
- Alright.

Oh yeah.

(audience laughing)

Hi there, welcome
to my humble abode.

- Humble, Willis you
should've told me you live

in Buckingham Palace.

- You get used to it.

- I'd love to give it a try.

- Why don't we get to
know each other better.

- Better?

Willis, you haven't left my
side these last couple of days.

You follow me around
like a puppy dog.

- Not me, woof, woof.

- Down boy.

- Hey listen, do you
believe in love at first sight?

- Only where Lionel
Ritchie is concerned.

- Well, I believe in it
ever since I met you.

I really mean it.

- Willis, you're rushing me.

- I can't help it.

- You know what I'd like?
- More of this?

- No, some of this.

- You wanna rub noses?

- No, I want some nose candy.

- Oh, you mean coke?
- Yeah.

You did buy some, didn't you?

- Well, I was a
little short of money.

- You, short of money?

Michael Jackson's
voice will change

before you run out of money.

Look, if you don't wanna buy it,

just tell me who
your connections are,

and I'll make the score myself.

- Denise, what do you
need that stuff for anyway?

- [Sam] Wow, look at that.

- Yeah, that's some
girl Willis is with.

- I'm talking about the
spider on the wall behind her.

- Give me this telescope.

No, I wanna look at
the city, I'm tired of this.

You're always fooling around.
- No, no!

- Excuse me, you
two get out of here,

or you're gonna be seeing
stars without that telescope.

(audience laughing)

We are not putting on
a show for you guys.

- Wanna bet?

- Get out of here, b*at it,
scram, come on let's go.

- Willis, give them a break.

- It's just like
you said, Arnold,

Denise is too good for
that skin head, Willis.

(audience laughing)

- Alone at last.

- No, that's alright,
I don't mean that.

I just don't think that a
woman in your position

should thr*aten to shove
a horn into a cabbie's ear.

- He deserved it for that
obscene hand gesture,

and the horn
would've fit in his ear

along with the
bumper and my shoe.

Hello, Willis, this
must be Denise.

Nice to meet you.
- My pleasure.

- Hello, Denise, will
you excuse us, please?

- I wish I could stay longer
but I really gotta get going.

- Well look, Denise,
how about tomorrow

if we find a place
more private than this.

- How about a
subway at rush hour?

- See you, sweet lips.

- Philip, do you get
the feeling that girl

has overwhelmed
this boy's watch?

(audience laughing)

- Hey, no way, dad,
she's just another chick.

I mean I turn on the
charm and she was mine.

(audience laughing)

- It's love, I haven't
seen him this excited

since he got his
first full-length mirror.

(audience laughing)

- This is Officer
Charles, Narcotics.

Oh yeah, it's going
fine, my cover's good.

I hooked into this straight kid,
who seems to know everyone.

I think he can lead me
to almost all the dealers.

Yeah.

Willis, you gotta stop
staring at me like that in class.

- Yeah, you're right.

How about if I just paw you?

- Slow down.

- Hey, Denise, I hear you
looking for a connection.

- I might be, know
any good ones?

- You talking to him.

- Come on, that
stuff is garbage.

- Hey, that was the old stuff.

This is the new
and improved stuff.

- Yeah, yeah, new and improved.

It's whiter and it's brighter.

- Tell me about it.

- I got a mega load coming
in tomorrow afternoon,

it's gonna be the best
stuff to ever hit this place.

Wanna try some?

- Yeah, yeah, it'll
give new meaning

to the words, high school.

Get it?

Ain't I a hoot?

- Not bad, you got a
new source or something?

- Yeah, me.

I'm handling the
whole east side now.

Just have lots of
casharooni, tomorrow.

- Yeah, casharooni
for snootarooni.

(audience laughing)

(bell ringing)

- Denise, maybe we
should have a talk about

all this drug stuff.

- Sure, I gotta get to class.
- Sure.

- Let me speak to
Officer Stevens, Narcotics.

Some clown named Skyhigh's
got a big shipment in tomorrow.

Be ready to move in for
the bust, I'll contact you later.

Bye.

- Willis, I've got to
tell you something.

- I know, I know,
you thought it over

and you're still
in love with me.

- I've got more feeling for
the soles of my gym shoes.

(audience laughing)

Just listen.

Your new girlfriend is an
undercover narcotics officer.

- Wow, I knew breaking up
with me was gonna be tough,

but I didn't think
it'd make you crazy.

- I heard her on the
phone saying something

about Skyhigh and
a big drug shipment.

- I don't believe you.

- Willis, believe me.

Whatever happened, we
never lied to each other.

- Denise a narc, how
could she do this to me?

- How could she
use me like that?

- Willis, I'm really sorry.

- Hey we just heard,
Willis, you've been dating

either Cagney or Lacey.

(audience laughing)

You didn't tell her
anything about us, did you?

- That'd be bad, that'd be bad.

- I didn't have to tell her
anything, you guys did.

Man, I'm gonna nail her.

- Forget it, man.

We know how to deal with narcs.

- Yeah, we got
friends in low places.

(audience laughing)

- And just in case
you're still sweet on her,

keep your mouth shut.

Or you're gonna end up
with lots of broken body parts.

- Yeah, broken toesies,
broken nosesies.

Oh, and broken headsies.

I guess we scared Jackson,
but we better get lost

until everything's cool.

- Oh, are you kidding?

This is a once
in a lifetime deal.

When that shipment comes in,
I'm gonna be king around here.

Don't worry about
the narc, we'll fix her.

- Yeah.

- Ah, here's Willis.
- Hey, Willis.

- What's troubling you, Willis?

- Dad, leave him
alone, I like him quiet.

- By the way Willis is pining,
I'd say it's woman trouble.

- Is there something wrong
between you and Denise?

- You bored this
one in record time,

way to go Sominex.

- I don't wanna talk about it.

She lied to me, she betrayed me.

Our whole relationship
was a sham.

- No, it can't be
all that bad, Willis,

you make it sound as though
she was cheating on you.

- I wish that's all it was.

She's an undercover narc.

- A narc?
- What?

- Hey, ain't that a
kick in the teeth?

- A narc?

But you don't use dr*gs, do you?

- Of course not.

- Why would she
be interested in you,

you're not a dealer, are you?

(audience laughing)

- No, of course
I'm not a dealer.

- Right, Willis doesn't
even like to play cards.

(audience laughing)

- I guess she was just
using me to find out

about some of the
guys I know at school.

- Well, I hope that those
guys aren't your friends.

- No way, dad.

- Son, I know this is
a hard sh*t to take,

but dr*gs are a
very serious problem.

- Yeah, but I wonder
why Denise had to use me.

- I just feel awful for Willis.

He's so upset, he
couldn't eat his dinner.

- That's a shame, can I have it?

(audience laughing)

- Isn't that something,
Denise a policewoman.

- I hope she didn't see
what Arnold was looking at

with the telescope.

(audience laughing)

- What are you doing, Willis,
trawling for a new girlfriend?

Looks like I went
too far even for me.

Willis, I'm really
sorry about Denise.

- Thanks, Arnold.

- Look, I know you're
real bummed out,

but Denise is
just doing her job.

She's stopping kids
from using dr*gs.

- Yeah, I know.

- Anyone else know she's a narc?

- Skyhigh and all
the wrong people.

- Uh-oh, creeps like
that play pretty rough.

- Listen, Arnold, don't
you think I know that?

- Willis, you gotta call
Denise, you gotta protect her.

Willis, I'd be afraid
of those turkeys too.

But don't you see, if they
make enough of us afraid,

they'll just keep on
selling that garbage.

Willis, you gotta do it, those
scuzzballs are drug pushers.

- Look, Arnold, my brain
understands what you're saying,

but my bones don't
want to get involved.

Especially my neck
bone which cracks easily.

- Willis, if you don't, your
bones won't think much of you.

And neither will I.

- Okay, guys, I'm
ready to do business.

- Yeah, so are we,
let's go take a little walk.

- Yeah, a long walk.

- Alright guys, hands off.

- Hey, b*at it, Jackson
or you're dead meat.

- Listen guys, let her go
or I'll start breaking faces.

- Oh yeah?

You and what army?

- This army.

(audience laughing)

Think they bought that?

- Arnold, what are
you doing here?

- Well, besides shaking
in my boots, I had to come.

I was a little
worried about you.

Now I'm a little
worried about me.

- No, don't!

- Willis, I'm not
running, I'm your brother,

and I'm gonna stay right here.

Alright, alright, who
wants to get it first, huh?

Get back, get
back, huh, come on.

Oh, chicken huh, you
must've heard about the old

Jackson jawbreaker, yeah.

Come on, come on, back
off and slack off, turkey.

- Arnold.

- The police.

- Oh, we don't need the
police, we're under control.

- The police are right
in back of you, Arnold.

- What you talkin'
about, Denise?

(audience laughing)

I knew they were there,
I knew that, I knew that.

- Guys, the bust was already
coming down but thanks.

- Hey man, you can't do
nothing, you ain't got no warrant.

- Wanna bet?

- Big deal.

- Yeah, search our lockers.

- I'd rather search you.

- Hey, she's good.

- Just wait, pal, I'll be
out on bail in an hour,

and guess who I'm coming after.

- Guess, guess.

- Anybody touches
Willis Jackson,

I'm gonna breakdance
on the bridge of their nose.

Understand, turkey?

Take them out of here.

- Yeah, get these bums out of
here, move 'em out, Sergeant.

(yelps)

Book him, Danno.

- Willis, I'm sorry
I had to hurt you,

but it goes with the
badge, do you understand?

- I guess so, sure.

- Look, I really appreciate you

sticking your neck out for me.

- No big deal.

- You're a brave kid.

(clearing throat)
(audience laughing)

- What about me?

- You, you're a k*ller.

- Hey, the word's out, huh?

(audience laughing)

- Denise, I've gotta
ask, how old are you?

- 24.

- Hey, well-preserved.

- Hey, it's clean living.

I'm not kidding, Willis,
you keep doing the same.

- Sure thing.

- I never been kissed
by a cop before.

- See you later, champ.

- Well, takes
care of that, Willis,

almost like Batman and Robin.

- I think more like
Abbott and Costello.

Listen, Arnold, I
really appreciate you

coming down here
like that, Arnold.

But, you really took a chance.

- Hey, a man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.

- And thank heavens the
cops did what they had to do.

- Right, Willis,
this was too much.

With the next girlfriend,
go back to boring.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

♪ Now the world don't move
to b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪

♪ They got diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪

♪ Yes it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes
to move the world ♪