07x18 - Russian Embassy

[bunniefuu]

♪ Now the world don't move ♪

♪ To the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What may be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two they've
got nothing but their jeans ♪

♪ But they've got
different strokes ♪

♪ It takes different strokes ♪

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter
that you've got ♪

♪ Not a lot so what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs, you'll
have yours and I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine ♪

♪ Cause it takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes it does different
strokes to move the world ♪

- There all done,
property of Arnold Jackson,

697 Park Avenue Earth.

(audience laughs)

- Wow Arnold that's
some neat science project.

Come on let's launch it now.

- No Sam, lift off is in
Central Park in exactly

1300 hours Saturday afternoon.

- Well maybe that's better at

least the paint
will be dry by then.

(audience laughs)

- Right Sam.

Now all I have to do is check

the shutter speed
on this camera.

- What's that for Arnold?

- Well, it's a miniature camera
that fits inside the rocket.

When it's up in the
sky it'll take pictures.

- Of space creatures?

- No Sam unless it
gets a sh*t of Willis.

Now I, Sam how many times
have I told you to keep your

pet mouse out of my rocket ship?

(audience laughs)

- I'm sorry Arnold
but Herman just

loves playing mouse-tronaut.

- Mouse-tronaut?

Give me a break Sam, that rodent

just doesn't have
the right stuff.

(audience laughs)

(knocking)

- Excuse me boys,
but do you have

anything else that
you would like to

contribute to Maggie's
charity auction?

- How about a mouse?

(audience laughs)

- Mr. D make Arnold let
Herman play on his rocket.

- Oh, come on Arnold why not?

You know Herman
loves science. (laughs)

- I know he ate my
instructions for breakfast.

- Please Arnold Mr. D and I even

made him his own
space suit, see.

(audience laughs)

- Isn't that impressive Arnold?

See, we made the helmet out
of the top of my cologne bottle.

(audience laughs)

- That's pretty
neat dad. (laughs)

- Yeah.

- (laughs) That's
pretty funny Sam.

- Does that mean Herman
can play in your rocket?

- No.

- All you have to
do Sam is get me,

the rocket and the
moon in the same picture.

- No problem.

- I'll give you
my dignified look.

(audience laughs)

- [Sam] Okay Arnold, tell
me when you look dignified.

- I do look dignified.

- But that's the same face you

make when I take my socks off.

(audience laughs)

- Will you hurry
and take my picture.

- Okay, okay, I've
got it, just hold still.

- What Herman?

- I don't believe it.

- Hey Arnold Herman
wants to be in the picture too.

- Sam dump the cheese
eater and take my photograph.

(audience laughs)

- Not if Herman's not in it.

- Forget it!

- Then I'm not taking
your dumb picture!

- Who's picture is dumb!

- If the dumb fits, wear it!

(audience laughs)

- I was down in the storage
room and I packed up

some of your old things
for the charity auction.

- You're not gonna
give away my teddy?

- [Maggie] Philip, you
still love your teddy bear,

isn't that adorable. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

Do you still have your
old choo-choo train?

- No, I sold it and
they named it Amtrak.

- Dad you've gotta talk to Sam,

he's getting too attached
to that dumb mouse.

- Arnold, you're
addressing a man

who saved his teddy
bear for 45 years.

(audience laughs)

- Good point.

- [Philip] Arnold how's
your science project going?

- Great, if my rocket
doesn't dazzle them,

setting it off with a remote
control I built sure will.

- Very impressive.

- Thanks, hey dad
can I use your tripod.

- Oh sure, it's in
my closet, unless

someone's given
it away to charity.

- I'll get it.

- Imagine building
a remote control,

when I was a kid we
didn't even dream of that.

- Well, you didn't have to
dear, you had your teddy.

(laughs)

- Okay Herman, give
me a big mousey smile.

(audience laughs)

Let me see your buck teeth.

There, oh, no Herman,
you had your eyes closed.

(audience laughs)

Oh, you're asleep,
okay, you take your

nap in there and
I won't tell Arnold.

And Herman don't snore.

Remember Arnold's
temper, if he finds you

you could end up a mouse burger.

(audience laughs)

- [Arnold] Okay dad, I got it.

- Watch it Herman,
it's Arnold code red.

- Alright, Sam,
give me the camera.

Now get off the
balcony it's restricted.

- Restricted to who?

- All red-headed twirps, bye.

(audience laughs)

- Alright Arnold, I know
when I'm not wanted.

- Hi, mama, hi Mr. D.

- Oh hi there Sam.

- How are you doing sugar plum?

- Terrible, Arnold's
acting real grouchy.

- Oh, he's just a little nervous
about his science project.

- No, he's not Mr. D,
Arnold's just mad

'cause Herman looks
more dignified than him.

(audience laughs)

I guess I'll just watch some TV.

- Wait Sam!
- No no that's not that's not!

(rocket blast)

- [Philip] There it goes!

- Oh no, it just missed
Connie Chung's apartment.

(audience laughs)

- Sam!

- I'm sorry Arnold, I thought
this thing was for the TV.

- Sam!

- Hey wait, Herman!

- What about him?

- He's in your rocket.

(audience laughs)

- [Arnold] Who you
calling dumb squirt?

- [Sam] Who you
calling squirt dumb?

- Let's just forget this,
Arnold, I'll see that you

get another rocket
ship, Sam, I'll

see that you get
another mouse, okay?

- But there's only one Herman.

He's the only mouse I
ever saw with a dimple.

(audience laughs)

You've just got to
get him back Mr. D.

- Philip, maybe we
should call the police,

they may have
gotten a report on it.

(audience laughs)

- I guess it's worth a try.

Hello, this is Philip
Drummond 697 Park Avenue,

I was wondering if
any of your officers

might have spotted
a rocket ship?

No, no, no, not a real
rocket ship, just a model.

But it does have a real
mouse in the nose column.

And the mouse has a dimple.

(audience laughs)

And he's wearing an
aluminum space suit.

Well, thank you very much!

(audience laughs)

- What'd they say Philip?

- Said they hadn't
seen any rocket ships

just a couple of dinosaurs
down on 41st street.

(doorbell rings)

- I'll get it.

Hello.

- This the Drummond residence?

- Yes it is can I help you?

- We're looking for Arnold
Jackson 697 Park Avenue Earth?

(audience laughs)

- Hey did you find my rocket?

- No but we have a pretty good

idea where it
is, he'll tell you.

- Oh that's great news, please
come in gentlemen, (mumbles).

- Thank you sir.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Where's Herman?

- Oh, this little one
must be Sam McKinney.

- Excuse me may I ask
who you gentlemen are?

- Yes ma'am, I'm Jenkins, that's

Armstrong, State Department.

(audience laughs)

- State Department, hey
NASA must have heard

I'm a pretty good
scientist and sent the

big boys down to pick my brain.

- Not quite.

- Is there some
kind of a problem?

- Some kind, it seems
that Arnold's rocket

crashed through
the window of the

Soviet Delegation
to the United Nations.

(audience laughs)

See folks the rocket
crashed through a skylight

during the middle
of a big staff dinner.

It landed between the
borscht and the chicken Kiev.

(audience laughs)

They called the fire department
who in turn called the b*mb

squad and the entire
building had to be evacuated.

- It was great, we
got pictures of every

one of them racing
out of the building.

Sure beats hanging
around gangster funerals.

(audience laughs)

I mean, you can just
spend hours, I'm done.

- Bottom line here the
Russians are pretty upset.

- Great, not only am
I gonna flunk science

but now the
Russians are after me.

(audience laughs)

- Arnold I think
you're exaggerating.

- Maggie, you're
face is not gonna be

hanging in every
Russian post office.

- Stop complaining
Herman, they've already

got Herman I bet he's
halfway to Moscow.

(audience laughs)

I just hope he's
wearing a fur hat.

- You better hope
he isn't a fur hat.

(audience laughs)

- Forgive me
everybody but I think

this is just plain silly,
after all this rocket ship

was just a child's
school project.

- [Jenkins] Rest assured
Mr. Drummond we're

convinced that
Arnold isn't trying

to overthrow any
foreign governments.

- Of course he isn't, Arnold
gave that up years ago.

(audience laughs)

(Armstrong laughs)

But why can't you
just go to the Soviets

explain to them what
happened, asked them

please to accept
our sincerest apology

for any inconvenience
we may have caused them

and could they please possibly

return the space
ship and the mouse?

- And if that doesn't work
I say storm the embassy.

(audience laughs)

- I'm sure there'll
be no problem,

these people must
have a sense of humor.

- When's the last time a
Russian made you laugh?

- Not since Khrushchev.

(audience laughs)

- We do have a snag ma'am.

Boys I'm sorry we
have some bad news.

- Yes the Russians won't
return the rocket or the mouse.

They're pretty miffed
about the whole thing.

- They got over the
Cuban m*ssile crisis,

they'll get over this too.

(audience laughs)

- I hope so ma'am but
you see the camera that

Arnold hid in the rocket got
them to thinking about spying.

- Spying, I don't believe
that, that's ridiculous.

Arnold, you didn't put a
camera in the rocket ship.

(moans)

(audience laughs)

- And another
thing, the mouse got

them to thinking
about germ warfare.

- Germ warfare,
now that is absurd.

- Maybe not Mr. D,
Herman did have a cold.

(audience laughs)

Mr. Jenkins you've just
got to get Herman back,

you've just got to!

- I'm very sorry Sam but the

(audience laughs)

they're shipping
everything back to Russia.

They're going to inspect the
camera and examine the mouse.

- What, you two in the
State Department are going to

stand around and let this
happen to my son's mouse?

I don't, for once, I what!

- No, no, no, Maggie
please calm down.

- Well Philip do something.

- Mr. D do something, you
can't let them hurt Herman!

- Gentlemen I think
that they're right.

Something should be done
and if you're not gonna do it I am.

It's just outrageous hanging
on to a child's toy and a pet.

I'm gonna go down there and
give them a piece of my mind.

- And if that doesn't work I'll

give them a backside
full of buckshot.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Drummond, Mrs.
Drummond, the United States

State Department
would frown on that.

- We frown on a great deal.

- Well, it just doesn't
make any sense.

- I'm sorry sir, we can go
back and make some more

phone calls but I don't think
it's gonna change anything.

- Well, we understand.

- We do?

I don't.

(audience laughs)

- I wished things could
have worked out better.

- It's days like this I
wish I were a fireman.

- I wish you were too.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Sam, precious,
I know this is terrible

but sometimes things happen
that are out of our control.

- But why does it have
to be, can't someone

go down there and talk to them?

- No, Sam you heard
Mr. Jenkins it's useless.

- Mr. Jenkins doesn't know
about our secret w*apon.

- What's that?

- Your big mouth.

(audience laughs)

- See Sam, Arnold just
can't go down there and talk

to the Russians,
it's not that simple.

- Listen to the man.

- See what we're
up against is we're,

wait a minute, wait a
minute, maybe it is that simple.

- What you talking about dad?

(audience laughs)

- Listen to the man.

- Arnold if you could meet with

the Russians it might just work.

You remember that
little girl who wrote to the

Russian Premier a couple
of years ago, he wrote

back to her and invited
her to come over there.

- Has anyone seen her since?

(audience laughs)

- Arnold of course they've
seen her, she's back home.

- See, I think if a child
could talk to the Russians

they might change
their attitude.

- Come on Arnold, you're the
best talker in the whole world.

You can talk
anyone into anything.

- Well, I can't argue there.

(audience laughs)

But I'm still not going.

- Now look Arnold, if we
can arrange this through

the State Department
and that's a big if

but if we could I
think it's worth a try.

- Okay, okay, don't
you think it'd be better if

Sam talked to them I mean
his red hair matches their flag.

(audience laughs)

- Mr.Drummond,
Arnold right on time.

- Everything is set, you'll
be meeting a Mr. Doshenko,

that's his aide right there.

- We'll be right
outside if you need us.

- Thank you.

- Don't go to far,
I guess you can

keep in touch with headquarters.

- Headquarters, I'm listening
to the Nicks and Lakers.

They're in overtime.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Drummond
please come forward.

- Good afternoon this is
my son Arnold Jackson.

- This is your son.

America is some melting pot.

(audience laughs)

Interesting to meet
American boy who

cause building to be evacuated.

And make for me to miss my
one afternoon off this month.

(audience laughs)

- Sorry, you know we really
missed you guys at the Olympics.

- We miss you too.

Please wait one moment.

(foreign language)

Jackson, Earth.

(audience laughs)

Mr. Doshenko
says for you to go in.

- Here we go.

- No, no, no, it's just
for little boy to go inside.

- Hold your horsees.

(audience laughs)

- Now wait one minute, I am not

gonna let him go in there alone.

- Oh, it's not to
worry Mr. Doshenko

nice man, he tell me so himself.

(audience laughs)

- Don't worry dad, I
think I'd rather go in there

and face whatever's
in there instead of

going home and
telling Sam I didn't try.

- Well, I'm very proud of
you I'll be waiting out here.

- Hello?

(audience laughs)

Herman is that you?

(audience laughs)

(sings)

(audience laughs)

Build tanks, buy wheat,
drink vodka (laughs)

(toilet flushes)

- I'm Evanivich Doshenko.

- Hi, my name is Arnold
Jackson and please

you must understand
it wasn't me,

it was my little brother Sam.

- You mean your
stepbrother Sam McKinney,

eight years old born
in Tulsa Oklahoma.

- Right, how'd
you know all that?

- The KGB, they know everything.

(audience laughs)

- The KGB?

- Be seated.

- Nah, I'd rather stand.

- Sit!

(audience laughs)

This picture doesn't
do you any justice.

- Picture?

(sighs)

Sir does (sighs)
mean the same in

Russian as it does in English?

- You could do better in
school, especially in biology.

(audience laughs)

- Right, I gotta buckle down.

Look, I can explain
that essay on Russia,

I got most of that out
of a James Bond movie.

- Ah, from Russia With Love.

I was told that the
rocket with the camera

and the mouse in it was just a

harmless child
science experiment.

- That's right, you can't get
anymore harmless than me, see.

(audience laughs)

So just give me the rocket
and the mouse, I'll be going.

- But...

- I knew there was a but.

(audience laughs)

- The State Department says
they'll prove it is harmless.

They say for me to
meet the boy who made it.

- And here I am.

It's nice meeting
Mr. Doshenko but if you just give

me the rocket and the mouse...

- [Mr. Dolhenko] But...

- Another but.

(audience laughs)

- There is the possibility
that your government

was trying to fool me
and put the 13 year old

on the payroll as a cover up.

- Our government
would never do that

and neither would
your government.

- Oh yes we would.

(audience laughs)

- Right, well sir that
may be the problem,

I mean, if you do
something like that and we

do something like that
back well everybody thinks

everybody's lying and
nobody trusts anybody.

- It is big problem.

- Well, when you talk to
Arnold Jackson you get the

straight truth, I don't
work for anybody.

Unless you count a little
red headed pin head at home

who has tears in his eyes
who can't understand any of this.

Now I want that mouse and that

rocket and I'm not
leaving until I get them.

- Is that so?

(audience laughs)

- I could just take the mouse
and you could have the rocket.

- I believe you Arnold Jackson.

- You do, I'm better
at this than I thought.

(audience laughs)

Thanks Mr. Doshenko,
you know, things

would be a lot
better if people could

talk to each other one on one.

- I like, then we wouldn't
be so afraid of one another.

- You got that right.

- Arnold Jackson,
end of mouse crisis.

- Thank you sir.

Where's my rocket?

- Oh.

(audience laughs)

Such a nice rocket.

(audience laughs)

I have a grandson back in
Moscow, where did you buy it?

- Well, I got it at, give
it to your grandson.

Tell him it's from his
friend Arnold in America.

Be sure to tell him not to aim
it at the American Embassy.

(laughs)

(audience laughs)

Is good?

- Is good.

(audience applause)

♪ Now the world don't move ♪

♪ to the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ Might not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born he's
a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two they've
got nothing but their jeans ♪

♪ But they've got
different strokes ♪

♪ It takes different strokes ♪

♪ It takes different
strokes to rule the world ♪

♪ Yes it does, it takes different
strokes to rule the world. ♪