07x17 - Menage a Luke

[bunniefuu]

Ben: Can you believe it?I bagged an A-minus on the test.How'd you do?

Luke: No big deal.

Ben: A-plus?

Luke: Made some lucky guesses.

Ben: In algebra?

Luke: It's not like math is an exact science.

Luke: Okay, I'll get a B next time.

Ben: That's Sasha Soroski.Today's the day Sasha's going to ask me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

Luke: How do you know?

Ben: Well, it's the payoff of my master plan of conquest.

Luke: Your what?

Ben: Phase one; I ignored her.Phase two; sat across from her in the lunchroom, never made eye contact.

Phase three; pulled some strings to get into her English class.Sat behind her the whole year; never talked to her once.

Luke: You've been doing this all semester?

Ben: Don't be silly.Since sixth grade.And it's definitely worth it, because now I've become that unattainable, desirable, man of mystery.

Luke: Okay...

Ben: She wants me so bad!

Luke: What!

Ben: What, are you blind?She practically undressed me with her eyes.

Luke: That little tease.

Ben: It's time to put that poor, love-starved girl out of her misery.

Cheryl: Hi, Ben.

Ben: Hi, Cheryl.

Luke: Hey, what's going on?

Cheryl: What a coincidence running into you.

Ben: This is the eighteenth coincidence today.

Cheryl: Somehow I seem to have memorized your schedule.

Luke: You did?

Ben: Look, uh, Cheryl, can we talk later?I'm kinda busy.

Cheryl: Too busy for our history presentation?

Ben: Our history presentation?

Cheryl: We signed up as partners in class last week.

Ben: I don't remember that.

Cheryl: You were sleeping; I held up your hand.So, when do you want to get together to work on it?After school?

Ben: Not really.

Cheryl: Tonight?

Ben: We'll discuss it.

Cheryl: Later tonight?

Ben: Look, uh, Cheryl, Luke and I have got some man things to talk about.You know, spitting...scratching.

Ben: What?

Cheryl: I also wanted to know....would you go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me on Saturday night?

Ben: Uh, gee, I'd like to, but my mom's come on.

Cheryl: Is that Maybe?

Ben: No, I don't know.I think that's the night my mom's having her surgery.

Cheryl and Luke: Really?

Cheryl: What's wrong with her?

Ben: Um, nothing serious; she's, uh, donating a kidney.

Cheryl: Oh, my gosh.To who?

Ben: Oh, whoever pops up.

Ben: Yeah, right.

Cheryl: Bye!

Ben: Anyway, Sasha awaits.(blows in palm) Won't k*ll her.

Ben: All right, I've let you dangle long enough.Your hunk-a-hunk-a-burning love is here.

Chrissy: Is Mike home yet?I got my first homework assignment today.

Jason: Oh-ho, I'm not so sure Mike's the one you want to ask for help.

Chrissy: Sure he is; he can tell me how to get out of it.

Jason: Why do you want to get out of it?

Chrissy: Dad, we're not talking "bring in a leaf from the backyard." This is big time; I have to tell my class what your jobs are.

Maggie: Well, honey, that sounds like fun.And we'll both help you.

Chrissy: So I'm stuck doing it?

Carol: Guess who got an A on her first lab assignment from Felix "I flunked my mother" Fitzsimmons.

Maggie: Chrissy, if you want help, there's the person to go to.

Carol: Help with what?

Maggie: Chrissy just got her first homework assignment.

Carol: Huh!That's wonderful!I remember mine.We had to describe our favorite time of year.I chose winter.

Jason: Oh right, then we had to have two parent-teacher conferences over that one.

Carol: I still can't believe that I was the only five-year-old to see "Frosty the Snowman" as a metaphor for death.

Chrissy: I'll wait for Mike.

Ben: Dill chips, peanut butter, and mayonnaise?

Mike: Hey, guys.

Luke: Hey, Mike, you want one of my miracle sandwiches?

Mike: What's the miracle?

Ben: If you can swallow it without hurling.

Mike: Thanks, anyway, but Kate's making a macrobiotic dinner for me tonight.I've got to be totally starved to choke it down.

Hey, guys, there's a girl walking up the walk there.She's kind of cute; she's about your age.Must be lost.

Ben: Oh, no, it's Cheryl Murray.We were supposed to work on that stupid assignment.What a pest!Look, make an excuse for me.

Mike: Ben, there is no excuse for you.

Luke: What about your history project?

Ben: I'm not doing homework when I can be out living the wild life.I'm going bowling with Stinky.

Luke: Doesn't get any better than that.

Luke: Uh, hi.Ben had to go to Stinky's.It was an emergency.

Cheryl: Oh, gee, anything serious?

Luke: Nah, emergencies happen a lot to guys named Stinky.

Cheryl: You don't have to cover for him.It's me, isn't it?He thinks I'm a dork.

Luke: Oh, no he doesn't.

Cheryl: Really?

Luke: He doesn't even think.

Cheryl: Well, I guess I'll work on my presentation alone.

Luke: Well, what's it on?

Cheryl: The 500th anniversary of Columbus' voyage.

Luke: Thanks for reminding me, you know, I still have to get him a gift.

Cheryl: Huh?

Luke: Yeah, what does a 500-year-old explorer need?

Cheryl: Mouth-to-mouth?

Guest sh*ts on Hollywood Squares. "I'll take Christopher Columbus to block."

Cheryl: He'd probably be selling his own line of perfume; Chris Columbus' Discovery: A New World Odor.

Luke: Today on Oprah: Men who exploit the New World, and the women who love them.

Cheryl: And of course he'd be on Arsenio.

Luke: That's how you should do your project.

Cheryl: Yeah, like a talk show.

Luke: Ladies and gentlemen, he proved the world is bigger and rounder than the Pillsbury Doughboy's butt.Give it up for my man, Christopher Columbus!

Cheryl and Luke: Woo-hoo-hoo!

Luke: Chris, two words.New.World.How did you do it?

Cheryl: Dedication, perseverance, and regular floggings.

Luke: I hear you.Okay; you're an explorer, you're a sailor, you're a navigator.What next?

Cheryl: I want to direct.

Luke: We gotta take a break; we'll be right back.

Cheryl and Luke: Woo-hoo-hoo!

Chrissy: So Ben says people come into your office, and they lay down on the couch.

Jason: Some people do, yes.

Chrissy: Do you make them take a nap?

Jason: No, no, no, they don't sleep.The couch just helps them relax.

Chrissy: Is this before or after you shrink their heads?

Jason: No, that's a figure of speech.I just talk to them.

Chrissy: About what?

Jason: Well, whatever they want to talk about.Whatever they need to talk about.

A lady came in to see me yesterday because she was really upset with her husband.

Chrissy: Like mommy?

Jason: No, no, this lady is upset all the time.

Chrissy: Oh, like Carol.

Jason: No, no, let's see, um, people think they know the reasons they do things.

But inside of every person there's sort of a second person in there, and that's the real reason we do things.

They leaves 2 people, We'll always fight each other, try to control a third person.

Jason: This would be easier if you understood the id, ego, and superego.

Cheryl: This would be easier if you were a fireman.

Mike: Oh, man, I am starved.I need something with meat or sugar or fat in it.

Luke: I thought you ate at Kate's.

Mike: Oh, well, we had, let's see; hay, stucco patties, and for dessert we split a Chia pet.

Luke: Well how about I make you a sandwich with no ingredients that occur in nature?

Mike: Oh, all right, now that's food!

Luke: Mike, I need your advice about dating.And Ben.

Mike: Well, that's easy enough; he's not your type.

Luke: I'm talking about Cheryl.

Mike: Oh, was that the girl who was here earlier?

Luke: Yeah.Anyway, she likes Ben.

Mike: Oh, so she's insane.

Luke: Maybe, but I like her.And I think she likes me.I mean, ever since she left, she's all I can think about.

And Ben; well, I get the impression he'd like her to disappear.

Mike: Yeah? What makes you think that?

uke: Well, he said "I wish she'd disappear."

Mike: Great!Then what's the problem?

Luke: I don't know the rules about dating.Is it all right for me to see Cheryl again?

Mike: Yeah, it sounds great to me.I mean, you get her, she gets you, and Ben gets Stinky.

Ben: Hey, nice sweater.I got one just like it, only I never wear it.It makes me look like a dork.

Luke: Actually, this is your sweater.I mean, I didn't think you'd mind.Everybody says it makes you look like a dork.

Ben: Hey, there she is.So, how's this sound?Uh, so Sasha, you doing anything special Saturday night between eight and midnight?What do you think?

Luke: Nice balance between subtlety and begging.

Ben: Oh, no, not now.It's Cheryl.At least I think it's Cheryl.She looks so girl-like.Look, do me a favor.

Keep her busy so she doesn't blow my chances with Sasha.

Luke: I gotta go to class...

Cheryl: Hi Ben, Hi Luke.

Ben: Ah, uh, Cheryl, um, I gotta run.Luke was just asking me about my schedule.Maybe you could fill him in?

Ben: Hi, Sasha.And speaking of the Sadie Hawkins dance...

Sasha: Me and you?What, are you joking?Not in a million years!Don't ever speak to me again.

Ben: Hey, I already have a date for the dance, so quit throwing yourself at me.It's over, baby!

Ben: So, Cheryl, I've got some good news.

Cheryl: Have you found someone for your mom's kidney?

Ben: No, uh, actually nobody needed it, so they put it back.

Cheryl: Uh-huh.

Ben: So, uh, now I can go to the dance with you.

Cheryl: Gee, Ben, I'm sorry, but since you didn't give me an answer, I'm going with Luke.

Chrissy: About murders and stuff?

Maggie: No, but it's very important.

Chrissy: About what?

Maggie: Boxer shorts.

Chrissy: No, really.

Honey, a consumer reporter tests different products to tell people which ones they should buy. Today it's men's boxer shorts.

"Happy Man" boxer shorts. "If what's inside your shorts really matters, only Happy Man shorts will do." Uh, okay, let's test the waistband.

Chrissy: Ouch!

Maggie: Well, the elastic has to be strong.Who wants their shorts around their ankles?

Chrissy: Not me!

Maggie: They also claim to be specially treated to resist stains.Well, we shall see.

Chrissy: This is a lot more fun than daddy's job.

Maggie: Okay, we'll finish up later.Let's get dinner out of the oven.

Ben: Where's Luke?

Maggie: Well, I think he's...

Ben: (yelling) Luke!

Maggie: ...upstairs.

Ben: (yelling) Luke!

Luke: Good pipes!Every Luke within five miles is on his way over.

Ben: I can't believe you humiliated me in front of the entire school.

Luke: What?

Ben: You knew Cheryl Murray was my territory.

Luke: Your territory?You treat her like dog dirt.

Ben: We've got a special relationship.And it's none of your business.

Luke: Oh, yeah?Well, I'm making it my business.I'm the guy who's taking her to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

Ben: Yeah?Over my dead body!

Luke: Oh that can be arranged.

Ben: Yeah?

Luke: Yeah!

Maggie: Anybody ready for some dinner?

Ben: Yum-yum.

Luke: Mm-boy.

Ben: This is my chair.

Luke: No, it's not.

Ben: Yes, it is.I always sit here; the one furthest from Carol.

Jason: C'mon Ben, you sit next to your sister.

Ben: Thanks a lot.

Carol: Thanks a lot.

Maggie: Okay, tonight by special request; chicken and mushrooms.

Ben: Whose request?I hate mushrooms!

Ben: I've never liked mushrooms.All my life I've made that very clear.I will not eat fungus.

Chrissy: Eww!Me either!What's fungus?

Ben: It's like the stuff between Luke's toes.

Chrissy: Eww!

Luke: Like the stuff between your ears.

Chrissy: Eww!

Jason: Ben, c'mon, watch it; your mother went to a lot of trouble....defrosting...that chicken.And opening that can of mushroom soup.

Ben: Did I mention I hate mushrooms?

Carol: What's the big deal?Just pick them out.

Ben: Well, if I was gonna pick something out, I'd pick out a new family who lived in a mushroom-free zone.

Jason: Can we just have some pleasant conversation around here?

Ben: Fine.

Jason: All right.So Luke, you making a lot of new friends at school?

Ben: (choking)

Maggie: Ben, are you all right?

Chrissy: It's the fungus.

Ben: I'm fine.Sorry if my near-death experience ruined anyone's meal.

Luke: Didn't ruin mine.

Carol: I'm fine.

Mike: No problem here.

Ben: Carol, will you please ask Luke to pass the salt.

Carol: Luke, pass Ben the salt please.

Ben: Tell him I'll save him some in case he wants to pour any of it in my wounds.

Luke: Listen, I don't know why you're so mad at me.Mike said I wasn't doing anything wrong.

Ben: Mike?You told him to do this to me?

Mike: Ben, would you keep it down?I'm trying to enjoy my chicken here.

Ben: Oh, you like dinner so much?You can have some of mine.

Entire family: (yelling) Hey!Stop it you two!

Jason: What's going on between you guys?

Mike: What are you throwing food at me for?

Ben: I'm sorry, excuse me.I didn't mean to throw food at Mike.I meant to throw it at him!

Entire family: (yelling)

Maggie: I said stop it!

Jason: Get out of here!All you guys!And you go with them, since you obviously have something to do with this, Mike.Big surprise!

Chrissy: Can't they stay?I've never seen a food fight before.

Jason: You just stay here and eat your chicken and fungus.

Mike: C'mon, Ben.We didn't think you were interested in Cheryl.

Ben: That didn't mean I wanted her stolen away by some sniveling weasel.

Luke: Yeah, well, this sniveling weasel's gonna pop you one.

Ben: Yeah?

Mike: Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys, c'mon.You're fighting over a girl.

All right, now why don't you save it for the important stuff, like...who gets the remote control.

Ben: That's another thing; how come he gets the remote control all the time?

Luke: Yeah?How would you like the channels changed on your face?

Mike: Hey, hey, hey, guy, guys, knock it off.All right now, Luke, c'mon, go upstairs and give me a minute to figure this out with Ben.

Luke: Sure, I gotta go Q-tip the mashed potatoes out of my ear.

Mike: Now, Ben, you mind telling me what's going on here?

Ben: Cheryl adored me.She worshipped at the shrine o'Ben.

Mike: Oh, now, c'mon.Do you think that's really fair?To use some girl like that to stroke your own ego?

Ben: Of course.

Mike: Ben, what if some girl was doing the same thing to you?Oh, I'm sorry about that.How is my hair?

Ben: Mike, she made me feel important.I mean, all my life I've been Seaver's little brother.I mean, that's all I ever heard.

I'm finally out of your shadow, and now I'm the kid who lives with Luke.

I mean, he gets better grades than me, looks better in my clothes, and I choke on his mushrooms.

He's even stealing the advice you should be giving me.You're my brother, not Luke's!

Chrissy: Hi!

Jason and Maggie: Hi, Honey!

Maggie: How was school?Did you tell them about our jobs.

Chrissy: Yeah!It was great.I even drew pictures.

Jason: Oh, how nice.

Maggie: That's very imaginative.

Chrissy: Yeah, it was great.First I told them what daddy does.I said he takes women into his office, closes the door and makes them lay on the couch.

An hour later they come out crying and give him money.

Maggie: And what did you tell them about my job?

Maggie: Oh-oh.

Chrissy: And I said when you finish, you pour hot coffee on them.

Jason: Well, what did your teacher think of this report?

Chrissy: She must have liked it; she told me to go straight home and have you call her.

Jason: Yeah, why don't we do that right now.[Doorbell]

Cheryl: Hi, is Ben home?

Jason: Yeah, come on in.Ben!

Ben: Cheryl, what a pleasant surprise.

Cheryl: I just came here to drop off your history notes, since we won't be doing our presentation together.

Ben: What are you talking about?We're partners.

Cheryl: Not anymore.

Ben: Cheryl, what happened to our relationship that let an outsider come between us?

Cheryl: You never called, we never went out, and you made fun of me at school.

Ben: Sure, if you want to nitpick.But we can make things the way they used to be.

Cheryl: The way they used to be?Me hanging around your locker, doing your homework, hoping that just once you'd eat lunch with me?

Ben: Worked for me.

Cheryl: Forget it!It didn't make you like me.And you know, I didn't like me either.

Luke may not be interested in me, but things are never going back to the way they were.

Ben: Wait!Wait a minute.What do you mean; Luke's not interested in you?

Cheryl: Ask him; he broke our date.

Ben: He did?Why?

Cheryl: He said something about family problems.

Ben: Look, Cheryl, I've been a jerk and I'm sorry.Would you mind going in the kitchen for a minute?

Cheryl: Why?Do you want me to fix you dinner?

Ben: Just for a minute, please.(yelling) Luke!

Luke: You bellowed?

Ben: Listen.What happened between you and Cheryl?

Ben: But I thought you said you really liked her.

Luke: Yeah, but I didn't know you'd get so freaked.And besides, you and your family have been so good to me, this isn't how I wanted to repay you.

See you around.

Ben: Luke, we don't need you to repay us.You know, we want you here.

Luke: I've seen it happen to kids before.One day you just go too far and wear out your welcome.

Ben: If that were true, Carol'd have been gone a long time ago.

Luke: Well, we never did fight over mushrooms and sweaters before.

Ben: Look, I'd never fight like that with a stranger.Only a brother...who really ticks me off.

Luke: The feeling's mutual.

Ben: Well, since it looks like we're both gonna be here awhile, would you mind doing me a favor?

Luke: Sure.

Ben: Go check out my history presentation.It's in the kitchen.

Luke: Your history presentation?

Ben: Just get in there, mushroom-breath!

Cheryl: Luke.

Luke: Cheryl.

Cheryl: Listen, I...I'd better go.

Luke: No, no, no.You can stay; I'll go.

Cheryl: No, no, no.You can stay.

Luke: No, no, no.I'm going.

Cheryl: Luke, you live here.

Luke: Oh.

Cheryl: Well, see ya.

Luke: Look, Cheryl.

There's two ways I can play this; I can spend the next three years ignoring you until you're crazed with desire for me,

or plan B - I could ask you here and now to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

Cheryl: No, you can't.I'm supposed to ask you.Okay, two words.Sadie.Hawkins.

Luke: One word.Yes.

Cheryl and Luke: Woo-hoo-hoo!