04x15 - Anniversary from Hell
Jason: He! Not in this family. The only way I can get a slice is to cook it early. The earlier the better.
Maggie: That's ridiculous.
Jason: It's not ridiculous Maggie. It's self-defense.
Jason: Smooth Maggie, very smooth. Hello, ah ha. Who's this? That's impossible, I don't have a favorite father in law.
Maggie: It's daddy?
Jason: Ed, how are you? How close?
Maggie: They're close?
Jason: Stopping by. When?
Maggie: They're coming here?
Jason: Shh! Yeah. Yeah, no. That's nice of you to call first Ed. For a change.
Jason: So, when can we expect you?
Jason: Sorry, I can't hear you. Some lunatics honking his horn here.
Jason: Ok, you talk to your father, while I go yell at one of Mike's friends.
Maggie: Hi daddy. Why are you laughing?
Ed: Ha ha ha!
Jason: Hey, people are trying to sleep in...
Ed: Aren't car phones wonderful?
Maggie: Oh, they're here. Aren't car phones wonderful? Daddy, mum. The cross country travelers. What a wonderful surprise.
Ed: Hey, you still don't have much of a grip do you?
Jason: Good to see you too Ed.
Maggie: What happened to the Winnebago?
Grandma: You father swapped it for this with some pimp in Cincinnati.
Maggie: Mum, how do you know what a pimp looks like?
Grandma: I know every song recorded by Gladys Knight and the Pimps. Now take me to meet my new granddaughter.
Jason: This is some car you got here.
Ed: I feel it's good for a fellows, uh, attitude. If you get my drift.
Jason: Yeah, well does that mean that your days on the road are over?
Ed: We're going to give retirement condo living a try. I want to know what it feels like to sit around and do nothing all day long. It sure seems to agree with you. Is that bacon I'm smelling now?
Ed: It's got to be. Wait till I get my tote bag. You know me and bacon.
Jason: Yes I do. I'll see you inside.
Mike: Hey grandpa. Ah you were great.
Mike: Hey, how you doing?
Ed: Sure I was great. How do you like my wheels?
Mike: Ah, this thing is hotter than you said.
Ed: Hot car for a hot guy.
Ed: Listen Michael, is everything all set up?
Mike: Yeah. I've taken care of the whole shebang.
Ed: Your mother doesn't suspect anything?
Ed: And your dad?
Mike: Dad doesn't have a clue.
Ed: Well I know that, but is he on to the surprise by now?
Ben: Grandpa, when do I get a ride in your corvette?
Ed: Oh, we've got plenty of time for that Ben. We're going to be here for at least a month.
Maggie and Jason: What?
Ed: That condo in Boston, it's not going to be ready right away. So we were kind of hoping that we could bunk here with you until it is. Eh?
Maggie: Oh daddy, that would be great. Jason?
Jason: Great isn't the word.
Grandma: And Carol, you are looking so svelte and sexy. What made you decide to loose all that weight?
Mike: It was either that or we add onto the house. High outside. Ball four.
Ed: Could you grab that other pound of bacon for me Jason?
Jason: That was the other pound of bacon Ed.
Ed: You guys have gone through both of them already?
Jason: Well if you'd called and given me say a days notice in advance, I would have had a d*ad pig waiting for you.
Ed: You know, to say thank you in advance for letting us bunk in here with you, Katie and I would like to take you and Jason out to dinner tonight.
Maggie: Oh, daddy, that won't be necessary.
Jason: Maggie, the man wants to buy us dinner.
Ed: I didn't say buy dinner, I said take you out to dinner.
Maggie: Come on mum. Let's get Chrissy bathed and dressed.
Grandma: Oh, she pooped.
Ben: Grandpa, can I wash your new car?
Ed: Sure you can lad.
Jason: And you can wash my new car too lad.
Ben: Yeah right.
Jason: Well, I guess I better get down to the grocery store and stock up. If we are going to have guests for a month.
Ed: Would you pick up some of that decaf coffee for yourself? You're beginning to look a little tense.
Carol: Oh Grandpa, he is going to be so excited when he finds out.
Ed: Oh, yeah, we are going to have a wonderful anniversary party.
Carol: I was talking about him finding out that you're not going to be staying for a month.
Ben: When are they going to leave for dinner? When are they going to leave for dinner?
Mike: Hey relax or you are going to wet yourself.
Ed: Hey now just to double check, the food is on its way?
Carol: Grandpa, trust me. There's going to be tons of food, tons of people..
Grandma: And tons of fun. Hey, I made a joke!
Ed: Nah you didn't Kate. Ok, we're going to keep your folks away till about seven thirty.
Grandma: Carol, did you invite a boyfriend to this party?
Carol: Well he's not exactly my boyfriend yet, but yes. Sandy will be here.
Ben: My girlfriends coming too.
Ed: Oh, you got a girlfriend now do you Ben?
Ben: Yeah. It's pretty serious too. She's the first girl I've ever met who doesn't make me puke.
Grandma: Well, that's important.
Ed: How about you Mikey? You got a hot one on for this evening?
Mike: Oh no. No I'm going stag tonight.
Ed: But you are usually such a ladies man.
Grandma: Eddie, don't push him. If he doesn't like girls, he doesn't like girls.
Maggie: What do you want me to do Jason? Send my parents to the YMCA? YMCA! I love that song.
Carol: Did you remember to Julie about coming over to take care of Chrissy?
Mike: Yeah. I called. Julie's all set.
Carol: Ok. The caterers get here in an hour. The first guests in an hour and a half. This is going to go like clockwork.
Mike: Probably Julie right now.
Dave: Dave Sacks, Party Animal Party Rentals. Let's party!
Carol: You're early.
Man: I had nowhere to go.
Carol: The kitchen's that way.
Mike: Yeah well listen. You didn't park your van in our drive way did you? Because it's a surprise party.
Man: They don't give me a van.
Mike: Clockwork he?
Carol: Oh, so one mistake and I'm a bozo?
Mike: Your turn bozo.
Urma: Hi hi hi! Hi sweetheart.
Wally: Hi sweetie.
Urma: And Mikey. Ooh!
Wally: How are you?
Carol: Grandma, Wally, you're early.
Wally: Well your grandmother thought you might need some help Carol.
Mike: Yeah, she does. Any of you a plastic surgeon.
Urma: Mike! You never change. Honey, is everything all set?
Carol: Grandma, everything is going to go perfectly.
Urma: And your mum doesn't suspect a thing.
Wally: Your dad?
Ben: Dad doesn't have a clue.
Wally: I know, but is he on to the party?
Carol: Shh! Shh! It's them! It's them!
Everyone: Happy Anniversary!
Carol: Only Sandy.
Sandy: Only Sandy?
Carol: I meant the one and only Sandy, who I care about deeply.
Urma: Shouldn't they be here? Its seven forty five.
Carol: Wait, it's really them this time. Everyone hide.
Everyone: Happy Anniversary!
Larry: Hey hey! Cheer up! Larry is here. So let the games begin. So where's the happy twentieth anniversary couple?
Carol: They're not here yet, and you are?
Larry: Cousin Larry. And you have got to be Charlie.
Carol: No, Carol.
Larry: Close, I knew it was a bisexual name.
Minister: Too bad about you losing the hair Jason. But damn it, you look good.
Dave: Well thanks padre. Damn it I feel good.
Mike: How come we don't know most of these people?
Carol: Beats me. I used mums Christmas card list for the invitations.
Julie: Mike, that Larry creatures been here less than a minute, and he's already pinched me twice.
Mike: Hey, I can't say I blame him.
Julie: Mike please.
Mike: Don't snap at me. I didn't do it.
Julie: What am I talking to you for? You couldn't even get a date.
Everyone: Happy Anniversary! Oh.
Mike: Hey grandpa, is mum and dad here?
Ed: Relax. I b*at him by a mile. He should have a bumper sticker "I break for everything".
Urma: Eddie! Ha ha.
Urma: How have you been, you old flat foot?
Ed: Great. How have you been you gorgeous dame?
Urma: Wonderful. Kate.
Urma: I want you two to meet my special fellow. Ed and Kate, this is Wally Overmyer, my fiancé.
Wally: Kate. Hello Ed.
Ed: You must be that soldier boy Maggie told us about.
Urma: Captain. US Army. Retired.
Ed: Oh. An officer. I was in the real Army myself. You ever serve any time in Korea.
Wally: Yes, I've been there twice. You?
Ed: Oh, you bet. Ya, m*llitary police. Us MP's used to wipe up the bars with you guys pretty regular. I bet I may have even slung you over my jeep once or twice.
Wally: Oh, I don't think so Ed. The only MP's I ever met were loud mouth clowns.
Ben: Hey everybody. Mum and dad are coming up the front porch.
Mike: Hey look. Are you sure it's them and not just another guest?
Larry: Hey. What kind of rude jerk would show up late to a surprise party? Ha ha ha.
Jason: Your father should have a bumper sticker that says "I don't break for anything".
Maggie: Oh Jason, at least the meal was nice.
Jason: Sure it was. I paid for it.
Maggie: I thought my dad was going to pick up the check.
Jason: Oh he did. Then he handed it to me. Oh now come on honey, be honest. How would you feel if suddenly my side of the family showed up unannounced?
Everyone: Happy Anniversary!
Jason: Mum! Well this is great but, our anniversary isn't for two weeks.
Maggie: Three weeks.
Urma: We know. That's what was so clever about my surprise party. If I do say so myself.
Grandma: Your idea!
Larry: Hold it! Let's get a picture. I don't have a camera. Hey do I have to do everything?
Ed: Jason. Jason, you should have seen the way your eyes bugged out when I told you we were bunking in for a month.
Jason: So you mean you're not?
Ed: Oh heck no. That was just part of the surprise scam.
Jason: Ha ha ha. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Maggie: Now were you kids in on this?
Carol: I sure was. I sent the invitations.
Mike: Now I know why you only send these people Christmas cards.
Carol: Ok everybody. After some more mingling and eating, mum and dad will re-pledge the troth the pledged almost twenty years ago.
Everybody: Yeah! (Applause)
Carol: And, and the best news of all is that I was able to find the Reverend Chuck McGregor, the minister who performed the original ceremony.
Everybody: Yeah! (Applause)
Minister: Oh hi. If you are out of Margarita mix, I'll have a Pina Colada.
Julie: First, my name's not babe. Second, I take care of Chrissy, I'm not the help. And no I do not own one of those out of sight French maid outfits.
Larry: Hey, I was just trying to make a little small talk here babe. Chill out!
Mike: Uh, is there a problem Larry?
Larry: No, no problem. Hey look Mikey. I couldn't help noticing that you are a stag at this deal. Ha ha ha. Me too.
So I'm warning you, I've already staked my claim on blondie over there.
Ooh hoo, she's got her eyes on the prize.
Mike: Ah, are we talking about Julie?
Larry: Julie. Hey thanks, she wants me. I think it's my vulnerability.
Mike: Yeah well listen. Larry. I don't think Julie would be interested in you.
Larry: Yeah right!
Mike: No I'm serious. I mean I don't know if I should tell you this, but she used to be a guy.
Larry: A guy?
Larry: Get out of town.
Mike: No, no I'm serious. Before the operation, we used to be fraternity brothers.
Hey aren't you glad I told you before you went and made a fool out of yourself?
Larry: Not now kid. Hey Julie. How about them Nicks?
Urma: Kate, I was just saying that perhaps you were mistaken.
Grandma: Mistaken! Urma dear, I'm as sure of this as I am my own hair colour.
Urma: Well I'm as sure of this as I am a size two.
Grandma and Urma: Maggie! Maggie!
Urma: Come here dear.
Maggie: Mum, Urma, what is it?
Grandma: Urma has this misguided notion that Chrissy looks like her side of the family.
Urma: It is not a misguided notion Kate. Maggie you agreed with me, didn't you Maggie?
Grandma: That's not what she told me. Tell her dear.
Urma: It isn't?
Maggie: Did I mention what a great dress that is?
Grandma and Urma: Oh thank you.
Ben: So, who are you rooting for dad?
Jason: Well, let's see now. Ed is my father in law. Wally's going to be my step father soon. So, uh...
Ben's Girlfriend: I think they are both going to bust a gut.
Jason: I could live with that.
Wally: Got ya!
Ed: You didn't get me. You cheated. Your elbow was a foot off the stinking table.
Wally: The Houdini it was.
Ed: Jason, Jay, you saw this. Tell him.
Jason: No I was talking to the...
Wally: Tell him he's full of malarkey.
Sandy: Nifty party.
Carol: Are you just saying that because my family are lunatics and you're too polite to be honest?
Sandy: Yeh. Uh hu.
Julie: No. I do not want to discuss my operation.
Larry: Ok. ok. Gee. It's not like I ask you to show me your scare or something.
Ben: This is Nora. She's my girlfriend.
Ben's Girlfriend: Uh hu!
Ben's Girlfriend: Hu hu!
Ben's Girlfriend: Hu hu.
Ben: Well what the heck are you anyway?
Minister: So kid. Couldn't snag a date for this hu? Me neither.
Mike: No I could not find a date for this, alright. What do you want me to do? Take an add out in the New York Times? I got it, why don't we just hire a sky rider?
Minister: I'd forget about that blonde over there. She used to be a guy.
Dave: Are you the anniversary couple?
Jason: Fraid so.
Dave: Then I guess you get this. Major credit cards. No personal checks. My mozeltov, etc etc.
Ben's Girlfriend: No. I'm not going to accept your apology. This is really embarrassing. How could you even do that?
Carol: I would like to remind all you stinking people, that we are a family and we love each other. Even Larry.
Larry: Thank you Charlie.
Carol: Now, almost twenty years ago, my Grandpa Ed toasted two newly weds, as they began their life together. So grandpa, would you please lead us in another toast?
Ed: Look, look. I am not very good at this, but, well, well, here goes.
Now, I'll be the first to admit that I didn't think this marriage was going to work in the first place.
I would have bet a weeks pay that Maggie's marriage to Jason was going to end in disaster.
Wally: You weren't kidding. You're not very good at this.
Ed: What I'm saying is, while we are mainly here with a lot of obnoxious people, eating bad food and drinking cheap booze, couldn't we at least pretend that we were having a good time?
Here's a toast, to Maggie and Jason. Who knew?
Ben: Where did mum and dad go?
Maggie: Oh Jason, you know what all that fighting in there reminds me of?
Jason: Our wedding reception. Still it was real nice of the kids and our folks to surprise us with this party.
Maggie: Oh it sure was.
Jason: Twenty years.
Maggie: Yeah. So much has changed.
Jason: Oh yeah. Yeah we used to have to sneak out behind their garage to make out.
Now we have to sneak out behind our own garage.
Maggie: Oh Jason, I think that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me.
Jason: I know.
Dave: Dessert is served.
Ben: Pie! Can I get you a slice?
Ben's Girlfriend: Sure. Thanks Benjamin. Maybe just a small one.
Ben: Yes dear.
Ed: Let me help you get that Urma.
Wally: I'll handle that Ed.
Grandma: Eddie, Wally can handle it.
Ed: I said I would get it.
Wally: Ed, I said I'd handle this.
Grandma: You think that's funny?
Urma: Of course I don't.
Wally: You think that's funny? (Cake goes in Larry's face)
Julie: Mike, mike. Chrissy's asleep. (Cake goes in Julie's face)
Larry: Woops! Sorry buddy.
Ben: Here's your pie. (Cake goes in Ben's girlfriend's face) (Ben puts his face in his pie)
Maggie: What the heck is going on in there?
Jason: Oh come on honey. It's a room full of our relatives. What could be going on?
Maggie: Oh I don't want to know.
Jason: What are those?
Maggie: Daddy's keys.
Jason: Oh yeah!
Maggie: What do you say we elope?
Jason: As long as I can drive. I hear these cars do great things for a guy's attitude.
Jason: Ooh yeah.
Mike: (reading a note on Julie's door: If you are a burglar, boy have you got the wrong apartment. If it's you Mike, I ran out to get pizza.)
Well at least we won't starve.
(So come on in and make yourself at home. The key is inside Mr. Edison's invention.)
Edison! There's no phone around here. Ah that Edison.
(Note on the TV says: No TV. We are studying)
I knew that. Oh honey, listen, now before you even say a word, I just want to say, I could have really used a date tonight.
But I know, you're right. We have to keep our relationship a secret. Let's face it; you could have used a date too.
Hey, you kiss pretty good for a guy.
Julie: Shut up Mike.