07x01 - It Happened One Night

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



(Steven whistling a tune)

All right, who did this?

This is the most
regressive, childish,

immature thing
I have ever seen in my life.

I did the teeth.

I did the mustache.

I did the beard.

Who did the antennas?

I think he always
had those, honey.

- (all arguing) -The man was
crying out for antennas!

I had a Magic Marker.
Who could resist?

Hey, what's going on?

I mean, I could barely
hear myself blow-dry my hair.

Well, you wouldn't be
interested, Mal;

we're talking
about the election.

Oh, really, Alex?
Are you forgetting something?

I'm voting this year.

Nick and I went down
and registered.

I guess this means

they've abolished
that literacy requirement.

Have you decided
who you're voting for, Mallory?

- No, not yet.
- Well, honey, we've got

some Dukakis literature
upstairs, if you're interested.

I have some Bush literature
that I think is very helpful

in defining the differences
between the two candidates.

Dentists also use it
when they run out of Novocain.

- (all arguing)
- Can you vote? Can you vote?

(arguing continues)

Alex, Alex, listen!

What are you...

(arguing stops)

Sorry to interrupt
your quiet morning at home.

Uh, sorry, we, uh, we get
a little passionate around here

- come election time.
- Well, have you

decided who you're
gonna vote for, Lauren?

- Because we have some literature
upstairs. - Hey, Mom, Mom, Mom.

Just give me a little bit
of credit here, okay?

Lauren and I have
discussed the issue,

and I think she feels
the same way as I do about this.

Oh, you've really got her
under your thumb, son.

Andy, you...
you want to get Lauren

another one
of those Bush T-shirts?

Okay, but I think
we're out of mediums.

I'm not gonna vote for Bush.

For one, I've never fully
accepted his explanation

of his involvement
in the Iran-Contra affair.

Bush had an affair?

Well, not-not really, Mal.

The Iran-Contra scandal.

Wait a minute, Dad...
"scandal" is a loaded word.

Y-You're right, you're right.

The Iran-Contra prank.

- Wait, he had an affair in Iran?
- This is the kind of political

- back-and-forth we have here.
- (all arguing)

Listen, listen...

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

Wait a minute!

- That is enough election talk.
- (arguing stops)

For the past month,
it's been nothing

but Dukakis-Bush around here.

And, you know,
I think we care more

about the election than they do.

Maybe we ought to get away from

this media hype
for a while, huh?

Go somewhere where
there's no... television,

no radio, no telephone...

- (gasps)
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Breathe, breathe.

Um, look, um...

Do you guys remember
those weekend camping trips

we used to take
up to the Sandusky campgrounds?

Oh, oh, I loved those weekends.

Friday, we'd leave after dinner,

and we'd drive
all through the night.

And my favorite part was
in the car.

- We'd play word games
and we'd sing. - Oh, boy.

♪ Hundred bottles of beer
on the wall ♪

♪ A hundred bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall ♪

♪ bottles of beer
on the wall ♪

♪ bottles of beer on
the wall, bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall ♪

♪ bottles of beer
on the wall ♪

- ♪ bottles of beer
on the wall... ♪ -Hey, guys.

Guys.

I think we know
where you're going with this.

Well, what do you say?

Let's do it again, this weekend.

Um, I can't make it
this weekend, Dad.

I mean, camping was fun
when we were younger,

but that's when I was wearing
Earth shoes.

And I have a history report
on Ancient Greece

I want to get started on.

Well, okay.

It was just a thought.

Well, hey,
just the two of us can go.

We can still have fun,
despite these spoilsports.

Oh, come on, Elyse.

It won't be any fun
with just the two of us.

I mean, it'll be too much fun
with just the two of us.

(knocking)

Coming.

Hey, hey, Alex.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, what are you guys
up to, huh?

Well, I'm trying to get Lauren
to wear this T-shirt.

Oh, I know that guy.
I know who that is.

I... I seen him on TV.

- That's, uh...
- (snapping fingers)

Orville Redenbacher.

This is George Bush.

You're voting this year, Nick.

You're supposed to know
this stuff.

I mean, how...
how are you gonna decide

who you're gonna
vote for this year?

Uh, you know, I'm not too sure.

I'm gonna have to leave it
up to Mel;

she's the brains
behind this couple.

I weep for this nation.

Hey. Hey.

Well, hey,
what's going on here, huh?

Oh, Mr. Keaton and Andy and I
are going camping this weekend.

Just the three of you?

Everybody else is busy.

It's no big deal.

So, uh, you guys
all ready to go?

Yeah, I think so.

Let me just check
this list again,

see if we've got everything.

- Uh, tent?
- Oh, check.

- Flashlight?
- Check.

- Family?
- Ooh.

Oh, sorry.

Never mind.

Dad, are you really upset
about us not going?

Oh, no!

Don't be silly.
I was just kidding.

No big deal.

Anyway, you guys are all busy.

You have your own lives to lead.

What about me?
Do I have my own life?

You're too young to have
your own life.

The last thing we want to do
is make you guys feel guilty.

Absolutely.

Let your conscience
be your guide.

Not you, Alex.

Mr. Keaton, could you give me
a ride to my apartment?

Oh, sure thing, Lauren.

God knows we've got enough room
in the car.

Just kidding! Kidding!

All right, on we go, campers.

- On, you huskies!
- You watch the house.

Just take it with you, okay?
Just take it.

- All right, all right.
- Drive safely.

- Bye.
- See you later, guys. Okay.

Bye-bye. See you.

I don't feel guilty.

Yeah, me neither.

They need some bonding time
with Andy anyway.

And camping trips are always
such a mess.

Hey, Alex, remember that time
you got poison ivy

and nobody wanted to sit
next to you on the way home?

How could I not remember that?

You don't forget
driving miles

strapped to a ski rack.

It's always cold at night,

and the tent's
always collapsing.

Yeah, or it rains.

Yeah, you get sick.

That's funny.
You know, when I was a kid,

I always wanted my parents
to take me camping.

I mean, they took me
to the woods once,

but they just left me there
and went home.

I...

Anyway, I always imagined
sitting out there at night

around the campfire.

Everybody being together,
cuddling up to stay warm.

Roasting marshmallows.

Well, it seemed like
it could be fun.

Sometimes it was nice.

Yeah, like when Mom would
play her guitar.

Yeah, or we'd just sit
and look at the stars.

I... I found ten dollars
in the woods once.

We should've gone.

I know.

Yeah, it's true.

And, you know, Mom and Dad...
they're getting old.

They're deteriorating rapidly.

All they've got left
are their memories.

Memories.

Like the corners of their minds.

I think we should go out there
and surprise them.

Misty...

water-colored memories.

That is a great idea, Jen.

I'm gonna go get
the sleeping bags.

- Well, I'll get the road maps.
- Okay.

♪ Of the way we were. ♪

Alex, do you think we could
speed it up a little bit?

I have to be back
for my graduation in two years.

Jennifer, I am not about to go
hot-rodding around

for your amusement.

We're only going .

An old woman just passed us.

That's fine.

Let that old woman drive
as fast as she wants.

She was on foot.

Yeah, come on, Alex.

I can't wait to get up there
and see Mom and Dad.

Boy, they're gonna be surprised
to see us.

Especially me.
(chuckles)

I hope they don't scream
or anything.

Look, why don't you all
just relax, okay?

Enjoy the drive.

The freedom and exhilaration
of the open road,

the wind flowing
through your hair.

There's no wind at this speed.

It's really deserted out here.
Where are we?

Um... I don't know,
I don't know.

Jen, let me see that map.

All righty. Let's see.

This is a map
of Ancient Greece, Jen.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh? Uh-oh, what uh-oh?

I had the maps right next
to my history homework.

(groans):
Oh.

- I must have taken
the wrong one. - Great.

Great. How are we supposed
to know where we are?

I'd say we're about miles
from downtown Sparta.

Well, let's do something.

- Like what?
- (Alex exhales)

Anything.

Hey, remember what we used to do

during those long rides
down to the campgrounds?

Hold Jennifer out the window?

No, no, not that.

No, we used to play
the word games and stuff.

Oh-oh, hey, hey, I got one.

How about Questions?

You know, where somebody
thinks of a person,

and everybody else has
questions to guess who it is?

- (Alex sighs)
- Okay, okay, okay, I'll start.

Okay, I've got someone!

Okay, ask away.

Okay, is this person
living or dead?

Neither.

I see hours of fun-filled
entertainment ahead.

It's not really a person,
it's more of a thing.

Like a fictional character
or something?

Exactly.

Is it Mickey Mouse?

Yes!

(Mallory and Nick laughing)

Oh, are we perfect
for each other, or what?

It's like we're sending
telepathic messages

to each other
that nobody else can hear.

I'm sure no one's trying
to listen in.

(clattering, whirring)

- What was that?
- I don't know.

(engine sputtering)

(groans)
I'll check it out.

You got a flashlight?

Yeah, we have one in here.

Oh, good, it doesn't work.

Oh, I've got something
that lights up.

My compact!

- All right, Mel,
give him the compact. - Okay.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, we got big trouble.

What-what is it?

- It's the generator.
- Oh.

For crying... not the generator.

Mm-hmm.

What does the generator do?

Well, without the generator,
the battery's dead.

You know, we're not moving.

Well, let's look
at the bright side:

We have plenty of time
for Questions.

Okay, okay, okay, I've got one.

Oh, all right.

Oh, it's really cold.

How long have we been out here?

About minutes.

I can't believe
we haven't seen a car.

We're not going to.

This road only goes
up to Sandusky,

and if you were going camping,
you'd be there already.

No, our only hope
is to be rescued

by some other guilty children.

It's so dark out here.

I've never seen it this dark.

It's kind of scary.

I miss the mall.

Well, we can't just stand
out here all night,

and it's too cold to sit in the
car without the heater working.

I know. What else can we do?

I think we should go for help.

Out here at night?

I know it's dangerous,
but I think we've got to try.

Yeah, I agree.

Good luck, Jenny.

Hey, hey, hey, I'll go with you,
Jenny, all right?

All right, that's all right,
that's all right, Nick.

That's all right,
I'll go, I'll go.

After all, she is my sister;
I got to protect her.

Oh, here, take my compact case.

Oh, yeah,
this will come in handy

in case we have to do
any emergency eye-lining.

Oh, hey, and, uh,
stay in sight of the road, huh?

- Yeah. - Yeah.
- You know, they always say that

in those teenage horror movies

just before somebody
gets hacked up.

Jen, you got the map?

Yeah.

All right.

Okay, we'll just head this way,
towards the Parthenon.

I hope they'll be all right.

You really care about him,
don't you?

Hmm.

No.

I just want my compact back.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.

I know how you guys are.

You make fun of each other
and everything,

but deep down you guys really
care about each other.

You know, that's what makes you
Keatons such a tight family.

Hope I'm in a family
like that someday.

Well, you will be, Nick.

Someday we'll get married.

That is if we're not eaten
by a coyote

- or bear first.
- Hey.

No coyote or bear's gonna
keep me from marrying you.

It's your father
I'm worried about.

Oh, hey, listen, Nick.

As long as we're out here,
I want to tell you something

my father told me.

But he made me promise
never to tell you,

so you can't let him
know I told you.

sh**t.

Okay.

One day,
completely out of the blue,

he says to me, "Mallory,

"I guess it's not
totally inconceivable

that you could've done
worse than Nick."

(sighs)

(sobs)

You think he really meant it?

I do, Nick, I really do.

Aw, God.

And all this time,
I thought he didn't like me.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah, I'll say.

You know, you look up,
up at them stars,

and you just
can't help thinking.

(quietly):
Thinking.

Nick, sometimes you are so deep.

Oh, look.

Mating season has already begun.

What happened?
How come you guys are back?

Well, we got a little ways up
the road and we saw this sign,

"Next modern facility:
miles."

Great. Now what?

Well, I guess we could
set up camp here.

Oh, yeah, let's set up
camp here.

What are we,
the Swiss Family Robinson?

This is all right.

Clean air, smell of pine,
the moon high above,

the thrill of being
at one with nature.

God, what I wouldn't give
for a Holiday Inn.

Oh, stop whining, Gumby.

We should've gone
with Mom and Dad.

I mean, what would've been
the big deal?

I know. Well, it was
kind of selfish, I mean,

when you think of
all that they've done for us.

It's all gonna
come back to us, Jen.

One day, we'll be asking
our kids to go places with us,

and they'll tell us
they're too busy.

It's not gonna happen
with mine, Mal.

Oh, it happens to every kid
and their parents, Alex.

Nope, nope, not mine.

No, my kids are gonna be
on a straight commission basis.

Two dollars for a hug.

Five dollars for a kiss.

And for an "I don't want to go
to Aunt Mallory's house,"

bucks and a set
of American Tourister luggage.

Well, we're not gonna be
like that with our kids.

- Are we, Nick?
- Mm-mm, no way.

Our kids are gonna love us

whether we give them luggage
or not.

We're gonna be very close
to Nick Jr. And Nicolette Jr.

Or little Mallory
and little Mallomar.

Mallomar? (laughs)

Make that a hundred bucks
for not wanting

to go to Aunt Mallory's house.

I bet Mom and Dad and Andy are
having a great time right now.

(sighs) They're probably
roasting marshmallows.

Uh, Dad's probably
doing that, uh,

Indian moon dance
he's so fond of.

The one where
he's kind of a cross

between Geronimo and...

Ginger Rogers.

They're probably starting in on

"A Hundred Bottles of Beer
on the Wall" right now.

By now, we'd probably be
on to your version.

What's your version, Mal?

Oh, it's silly, Nick.

That never stopped you before.

- Do it, Mallory.
- Well...

NICK:
Yeah, yeah.

♪ bottles of nail polish
on the wall ♪

♪ bottles of nail polish ♪

♪ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall ♪

♪ Get on your bike
and go back to the mall ♪

♪ bottles of nail polish
on the wall ♪

♪ bottles of nail polish ♪

♪ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall ♪

- ♪ Get on your... ♪
- Wait, wait, wait.

Shh! Car, car.

Hey, hey,
don't interrupt the song.

(car approaching)

- Oh, hey, hey!
- The car!

Hey, hey, hey!

It's Mom and Dad!
It's Mom and Dad!

- It's Mom and Dad!
- I know who it is, hey!

- (all clamoring)
- What are you doing here?

- What's happening?
Why are you here? - Wait, wait.

All right, hey, hold it.
One at a time.

What are you guys doing here?

We were on our way
up to Sandusky.

Yeah, we were gonna surprise
you, but the car broke down.

- Oh, that's so sweet.
- You guys are great.

Well, what are
you guys doing here?

Well... oh, I don't know,
I guess it just

didn't feel right up there
without you.

It didn't have that good
old-time family feeling.

There was no one to heckle
my Indian moon dance.

I heckled.

So did I.

Yeah, it just wasn't the same.

I guess we missed you guys.

Oh-ho, hey, thanks.

We missed you, too.

Oh, good, Nick.

That-that... that means a lot.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Mr. Keaton.

- Hmm?
- Look, uh,

I know how you feel about me.

And, uh, I mean,
let's put it this way.

It's not totally inconceivable

that Mallory could've
done worse than me.

You told him.

ELYSE: Just drop
everything right here.

We can straighten it all up
in the morning.

Well, this turned out great.

We logged over miles,

- and not a marshmallow
was roasted. - I'm sorry.

I hope we didn't make you feel

like you had
to follow us up there.

It's just some
crazy idea we had.

No, no, no, Mom,
it was our fault.

We should've gone with you.

Yeah, we felt guilty
about not going

up there in the first place.

Well, uh, maybe next time.

You mean, we have
to do this again?

(Steven chuckles)

It's usually not this bad,
Andy, believe me.

Yeah, normally we sit
around the fire,

we have a nice big dinner...
beans out of little tin cups.

(chuckles) Which reminds me,
I'm really hungry.

Jen, check it out,
I got something here for you.

Ew, what's that?

Well, it's just like beef jerky,

but it's only healthier.

It's turkey jerky.

See, I-I keep it in my pocket,
and by the end of the day,

it's cooked.

I'll just stick
with the marshmallows.

Hey, look, we're camping.

And, uh...

I notice there's a full moon
out there tonight.

- (chanting)
- No, Dad, no! - No, no!

- Please, no, no.
- I'm just... okay.

All right. Come on, come on.

Oh, you know what?

I'm kind of glad this
camping trip didn't work out.

Me, too.

I mean, look at how much fun
we're having.

You can't plan moments
like this.

They've got to sneak up on you.

I know what you mean; it's like
if you've got a big party

to go to and you buy
a very special outfit,

maybe a plaid skirt with
a black blouse... No, no, no!

Uh, a lavender suit with
a matching scarf with paisley

- with a little bit of...
- Mal, Mal, Mal.

Just kind of move it along.

Oh.

Oh, right and anyway, um,

you get to the party,
and it's not that great.

But on the way home, uh,
you see a beautiful moon,

or a big orange cat comes and
rubs itself up against your leg.

Yeah, or a complete stranger
leaps out of the darkness

and gives you a stock tip.

Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, just for a minute,
it's a special moment.

You could never have planned it.

Is this a special moment?

You bet it is, pal.

Very special.

That reminds me of something
that John Lennon once said.

"Life is what happens to you

when you're busy making
other plans."

John who?

Oh, boy, do I feel old.

One of the Beatles, honey.

What are the Beatles?

Oh, no, now I feel old.

(guitar playing gentle melody)

♪ There are places ♪

♪ I remember ♪

♪ All my life ♪

♪ Though some have changed,
some forever ♪

♪ Not for better ♪

♪ Some have gone, some remain ♪

♪ All these places have
their moments ♪

♪ With lovers and friends ♪

♪ I still can recall ♪

♪ Some are dead ♪

♪ And some are living ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ I love them all... ♪

♪ But of all these friends
and lovers ♪

♪ There is no one
who compares with you ♪

♪ And these memories
lose their meaning ♪

♪ When I think of love
as something new ♪

♪ Though I know I'll never
lose affection ♪

♪ For people and friends
who went before ♪

♪ I know I'll often stop
and think about them ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ I loved you more ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ I loved you more. ♪

(music fades)



MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)